John Ensign Proposed To His Mistress At the National Prayer Breakfast

  republicans in the news

Jeez, just buy a diaper prostitute, bro.Does anybody care about this John Ensign affair/bribe thing anymore? Probably nobody cares about this John Ensign affair/bribe thing anymore, but the details of this thing are just ridiculous. Here’s a thing John Ensign did: He took his mistress, the wife of his friend and mother of his children’s friends, to the National Prayer Breakfast to propose marriage to her. How romantic! God strolled into the National Prayer Breakfast, saw Ensign on one knee, said “Oh fuck this shit” to himself, and walked right back out. There are enough things in the Senate Ethics Committee report to embarrass Ensign’s children and those of his mistress’ for many lifetimes, but they already know that, because Ensign was pretty much doing it right in front of them, and then all the adults in the situation destroyed their own lives. This all sounds really hott!

It didn’t take long for Doug Hampton to discover the affair. It happened a couple days before Christmas 2007, when he and Cynthia were headed to the airport to pick up their son. His wife was picking up their son’s girlfriend when Hampton looked at her cell phone. He noticed a text message from Ensign which “made it clear an affair was occurring” — press reports indicated it read “How wonderful it is. … Scared, but excited.”

When she (and presumably, their son’s girlfriend) got back in the car, Hampton said he knew what she and Ensign were up to and called Ensign to tell him as well. Ensign was also on his way to the airport to greet the Hamptons’ son, and when the their two cars were in the airport parking lot, Hampton jumped out of his car and chased Ensign.

Cynthia went into the airport and stayed there for hours, later taking a taxi home. She set up a time for the two couples to discuss what happened. On Christmas Eve, they met in Ensign’s home office where the senator cried and both he and Cynthia said the affair would stop. Both couples told their children, and the next day, the families celebrated Christmas together.

AHH! THAT SOUNDS LIKE THE WORST FAMILY GATHERING IN THE HISTORY OF HUMAN SOCIETY. The Baby Jesus probably called them up and was like, “Yo, maybe we can reschedule? You don’t have to celebrate my birfday today. I don’t get off work until six anyway, and I’ll probably be tired after.”

 
Related video

Yeah, the affair didn’t stop. It went on for months. And now everyone is going to prison for bribery or some such. Do you enjoy your present, Jesus? It’s called misanthropy. Try it! You’ll enjoy it! And need you’ll need it. (Tom Coburn helped, btw.) [U.S. Senate [PDF]/TPM]

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About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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318 comments

    1. OneDollarJuana

      It's because of shit like this that "All My Children" and "One Life to Live" were cancelled. Fiction writers just can't keep up.

    2. fuflans

      or pirates of the caribbean III and needs more johnny depp.

      or almost anyone, really.

    3. Steverino247

      As Mark Twain said, "Of course, truth is stranger than fiction. Fiction has to make sense."

    4. DustBowlBlues

      All a screenwriter has to do is transcribe the Ethics report, add some quotes for dialogue, a few transitions and settings and Bob's your uncle–you've got the perfect Lifetime Movie For Women.

      Unlike "OBL Must Die," I don't see this one on the big screen and especially not in 3D.

    1. ChessieNefercat

      Is this why the Republicans go into high-powered snit mode every year when the emails claiming that the muslin usurper is going to cancel the Prayer Breakfast, start circulating?

    2. OneDollarJuana

      Look, they're Republicans. They were having a run-of-the-mill extramarital affair, with the standard variety of betrayal and lying. Ensign just felt he needed to add some perversion to make it interesting to his peers. Sort of "keeping up with the Haggards", so to speak, although Ted's bar is set pretty high (so to speak).

    3. SayItWithWookies

      The family that prays together…has illicit sex with other families that pray together.

    4. tessiee

      Sorry, Luci, I think you've got it backwards.
      Scumwad proposed to his married mistress at a prayer breakfast, therefore it was NOT illicit romance. QED.
      *brushes palms together*

      But seriously, the convergence of sleazy sex and mealy-mouthed religion? It's like a perfect storm of suck.

    5. FrenchTwist40

      I would totally give someone a blowjob in the men's room at the National Prayer Breakfast, just to be able to tell the story afterwards. Rep. Schock, are you listening?

  1. BlueMonkeh

    Jesus, these people. It's like some stupid, 70's era swinging gone terribly wrong.

  2. Hatrabbit

    I just cannot believe this bullshit! What an asshole! … what? He's a Republican?

    Than it must be part of God's plan Move on folks, nothing to see here.

    1. Gopherit

      Jesus had him speaking in tongues……sorta. That Jesus was always a cunning linguist.

        1. Gopherit

          meh. cunnilingus has converted more women to believing in a god than any milliion teatarded evangelicals.

  3. GuyClinch

    "Cynthia went into the airport and stayed there for hours, later taking a taxi home."

    Something tells me the Cinnabon had record sales that day.

    1. Tundra Grifter

      Personally, I'm going to guess she was stuck out at the airport after a vodka front moved in.

    2. Callyson

      That would be the difference between a Republican woman and a Democratic woman like me: if I were her, it would be the bar that had record sales that day.

  4. GodShammgod

    And remember everyone, this man will make more in a year than you'll make in 10.

        1. Negropolis

          If that's what you want to call the Vegas hooker in the waiting room, sure, a there's a slot machine in the waiting room.

  5. OneYieldRegular

    I would so love to see this whole thing made into a warm, sentimental Christmas TV special, you know, like "The Homecoming." And since I don't have a TV, I wouldn't have a chance to watch it.

    Anyway, g'night, John-Boy.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      One thing's for sure, I'm never gonna complain about having to watch that damn idiotic Frosty the Snowman with my kids again.

    1. Jukesgrrl

      You'll have better luck with that bet than any you'd put down in one of Daddy Ensign's casinos.

  6. Hatrabbit

    Christmas was awkward enough without John and Cynthia getting it on under the mistletoe. Way to rub it in assholes.

    1. OneDollarJuana

      Now, wait. Did you leave out a comma, or is this story a bit kinkier than I thought?

        1. dr_giraud

          Reminds me of Sinatra singing "Mistletoe and Holly" like they're the names of a couple of cocktail waitresses at the Sands.

    2. ChessieNefercat

      Isn't mistletoe sharp and jabby. Wouldn't rubbing it in assholes be uncomfortable? Or am I confusing it with holly?
      Never mind.

  7. SorosBot

    Well I can think of at least two people who were on Santa's naughty list and got coal in their stockings that year.

      1. Jukesgrrl

        Not necessary. No such thing as global warming. Their Spiritual Adviser and Expert on Everything Senator/LadyDoctor Coburn (R-EXXON) told them that, too.

  8. Goonemeritus

    How is it possible that Republican men are getting laid at all…. ever? You ladies out there need to get your shit together.

    1. AKbum

      Couldn't. Agree. More. But, then again, they are taking all the crazy women who were traumatized by having a date-rape abortion in college who later found jebus off our hands, so…

    2. OneDollarJuana

      Actually, a poll not too long ago found that, in committed relationships, Republicans were more satisfied with their sex lives than Democrats. However, we are talking about "committed" relationships, so I'm not sure that it's possible to get a statistically-significant sample on the Republican side.

      1. flamingpdog

        I wasn't aware these Republican folks had "committed" relationships. Moar like "should be committed" relationships.

      2. Lascauxcaveman

        *but not necessarily the sex lives they are having with the ones to whom they are committed.

        1. DustBowlBlues

          And Ted Haggard bragged, on camera, that Evangelicals have the best sex lives.

          1. tessiee

            Never, never, never use the words "Ted Haggard" and "sex" in the same sentence again.
            Thank you.

      3. riverside68

        I think that marrying repuglican shows a lack of imagination and ambition in the first place, so I'm not surprised they are satisfied.

        They are probably satisfied with Network TV and frozen TV dinners also.

    3. Goonemeritus

      All good points but for my personal sanity I am going with chloroform as the only possible answer.

    4. Limeylizzie

      I have never knowingly fucked a Republican, but I did have a long, steamy affair with someone from CBS.News and we fucked on Andy Rooney's desk.

        1. Limeylizzie

          I was thinking of him saying 'You know what I hate…..when someone you don't know has sexual congress on your desk”

          1. ChessieNefercat

            "'You know what I hate…..when someone you don't know has sexual congress on your desk""

            …"and I wasn't there to see it."

          2. TheMeatmaker

            But he was fine with Harry Reasoner rogering Leslie Stahl on the desk. Professional courtesy.

      1. Goonemeritus

        I’m guessing someone at CBS had daddy issues you on the other hand are awesome. For the record my comment is not meant to apply to those old timey Northeastern Republicans that are so thin on the ground these days. It’s just these cynical Neo-Thatcherite pricks I can’t stand.

        1. Limeylizzie

          Awesome wasn't often used to describe me back then ,in my wild and single days, slutty more like!

          1. DaRooster

            Yeah, that's when they always turned to,"I just want to be friends… 'cuz the slut thing isn't finding me love" crap…

  9. i_AM_ready

    Rachel Maddow was all over this last night. My favorite part was right in the middle of the whole mess, with his mistress trying to get away from him and his parents paying $80,000 in hush money and his Senate staffers ratting him out to prosecutors, he had to run to the Senate floor to announce his support of the Defense of Marriage Act.

      1. Native_of_SL_UT

        well, that and working too hard. Oh and how passionately he felt about his country, also.

    1. SilverFox

      you beat me to it. i was hoping someone like maddow would put together a greatest hits of this dbag moralizing from the senate floor. i'll consult the youtubes.

    1. widestanceroman

      They grew tired of frottaging Mitch McConnell's warble, and can you blame them?

    2. Mahousu

      Somebody has to pour the syrup. The sweet, hot syrup, splashing over your sausage with wild abandon.

    1. RavenRant

      Apparently big fans of the sexual depravity/mega hypocrisy combo.

      Oh, well. No surprises there.

    2. DustBowlBlues

      They know that the worse their heroes look, the more we're going to enjoy the story so, like the true humor-sarcasm-and- irony free they are, the more they want to ruin our pees.

      1. ChessieNefercat

        And yet, we continue to comment… What will they do one fine day when (if?) it finally registers that we. don't. care.

  10. bigdupa

    Too bad there isn't a transcript of the gift exchange: "From: Santa To: WHORE." "Knee pads and mouth wash… thank you!" "Who wants to sing Jingle Balls?" "Time for the reindeer games. Dad, you get to be Rudolph. The Senator will be slipping his Prancer into Vixon played be Mom" "Honey, please wipe the nog off your chin."

    1. tessiee

      I gave your comment the upfist it deserved, but I also wanted to mention that I grew up in a multicultural neighborhood and learned a few words of Polish, so I would like to unofficially upfist your screen name as well.

  11. Gopherit

    Wow, I thought the Gopher family Christmases were dysfunctional…….but at least those usually involved alcohol. Thank jesus i didn't grow up in a WASP family.

    Also, proposing to your mistress at a prayer breakfast, that is Klassy with a capital K.

    1. Texan_Bulldog

      Esp. when you aren't even divorced yet. Ensign's taking a page from the Newt playbook, I see.

    2. ChessieNefercat

      And your married self proposing marriage to your married (to your friend) mistress at a prayer breakfast? Klassier yet!

      (God rolling his eyes, digging around under the throne cushions, asking where in hell, I mean heaven, the smite control is…)

    3. riverside68

      Sounds like the devil be going to prayer meetings, someone otta put the word out!

  12. baconzgood

    Holy shit!

    Worst Fucking Christmas EVER!!!

    "I'm porking your friends mom, pass the crandberry sause"

  13. nounverb911

    "John Ensign Proposed To His Mistress At the National Prayer Breakfast"
    The Newt is strong in this one.

  14. x111e7thst

    He should have done the diaper/rentboy thing. In an airport bathroom. So much more dignified.

      1. V572..whatever

        That's the new stigma: "They found porn on his computer. He was just as bad as bin Laden!"

        1. DustBowlBlues

          Okay, I feel like hell and you made me laugh out loud, causing the muscle I fucked up in my shoulder to hurt worse. I hope you're happy with yourself.

          1. V572..whatever

            Back when he was funny, Dennis Miller used to say comedy is like sex: it’s best when it hurts a little. But I’m sorry, and if it’s any consolation my back hurts.

        2. DemmeFatale

          Please let me upfist you on that one, before you-know-who gets back from the 7/11 with a fresh bag of Cheetos.

          1. V572..whatever

            But I don’t know who! Unless you mean the redoubtable Barb, who shames us all with her speed and wit.

          2. DemmeFatale

            OMG! Not one of us!!
            I meant some idiot downfister (but wasn't sure I could say it).
            I LOVE Barb!

          3. Barb

            Oh my! That's a demerit. I was going to give you some love because you were the first person who ever "followed" me when I joined this site 8 months ago. Now I will just give you some Cheetos and send you on your way. LOL

          4. Barb

            I was there, I promise. I was at the MGM Grand. You should have told me you were there. We would have invited you out for a drink.

          5. AJW@[redacted]

            I was visiting cousins that were there for a timeshare presentation. They were at the Riviera, we went to a show at the Flamingo, I came home. That was enough of the Strip to satisfy me for the next several years.

          6. Barb

            I'm going back in three weeks to see Paul McCartney. Well that and to visit the money I lost, lol.

  15. philpjfry

    I guess there are worse places to propose to your friends wife, but I can't think of any. Anfd this moran actualy helped run the country? When he wasn't chasing the wives of his friends. Just a douchebag, may be rot in hell.

    1. Mahousu

      At your press conference, so you wife finds out by watching TV?
      Beside your cancer-stricken wife's hospital bed?
      As the two of you flee from a National Enquirer photographer?

    2. OneDollarJuana

      How about the men's room in the bus station?

      How about at her daughter's funeral?

      How about in the El Paso drunk tank?

    3. riverside68

      hey don't forget the Appalachian Trail, although I guess that was technically Brazil

    1. V572..whatever

      Were you operating under the misconception that United States Senators actually do something besides bloviate for C-SPAN, have press conferences, and appear on "Meet the Press"? Fort God's sake, they're not proletarians who punch time clocks!

    2. tessiee

      "These people sure have alot of time on their hands. "

      Why wouldn't they? It's not like they have to work for a living.

  16. OneYieldRegular

    "You say Jesus done touched you? Meet me on my knees! Meet me on my knees! Somebody give the Lord a hand-clap!"

    1. RadioPlasticSurgery

      And the good biznessman doctor minister cancer survivor was "negotiating" the price downward. Skate, Tommy, skate.

    2. Negropolis

      The bag man, eh? So, this is far more kinky than we could have ever imagined…

  17. Captain_Quark

    Sexytime with Aunt Judy FTW! I guess this didn't happen in Vegas, since it sure didn't stay there.

  18. PuckStopsHere

    We have got to get the airport security footage of the chasing of the one another around the parking lot thing. Gotta be a lock for "America's Funniest (Broken) Home Videos", I'm sure.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      Shouted conversation, during the footrace:

      Cuckhold: "John! Stop running! I want to talk to you!"

      Ensign: "No, you don't, you wanna KILL me!"

      Cuckhold: "Well, that too. But anyway, stop!"

  19. SorosBot

    Lovely man: "According to Ms. Hampton, the affair continued very sporadically, with one meeting in June and one in July 2008 for a very short visit. Ms. Hampton felt that she was not a healthy person at that time, and her attitude during these meetings was that my life is ruined, so whatever, and that she agreed to see the Senator only because his persistence wore her down. Although Ms. Hampton continually told Senator Ensign to stop contacting her, he ignored her wishes. "

    Stalkerriffic!

    1. RavenRant

      The whole 'affair', from start to finish, reeks of intimidation and stalking. Also, quid pro quo sexual harassment, since both Hamptons were 100% financially dependent on Ensign.

      1. SorosBot

        Yeah, reading some of those excerpts from the ethics committee report makes me think Ms. Hampton, who has had to declared bankruptcy, could have a good case for sexual harassment and get something from that scumbag. No wonder he actually resigned; this was more than just a consensual affair.

        1. RavenRant

          When I first heard about this story, it struck me that everyone concerned, including her husband, spoke about Cindy like she was an inflatable doll, with no autonomy or choice in the matter.

          Turns out, that's exactly how they treated her.

          1. Limeylizzie

            It sounds as if she didn't even want to have sex with him at all, so she basically had to so her kids could stay at the fancy fee-paying school that he was paying for . Yuck, just fucking yuck.

          2. RavenRant

            OMG, I forgot – not only were the husband and wife dependent on him for jobs, but the kids' schooling, as well.

            Almost like he planned it that way, hmmm?

          3. SorosBot

            It really is sickening; I'm not sure if what Ensign did was exactly rape or not, but it was pretty fucking close.

          4. RavenRant

            Yeah, I think the only thing distinguishing it from rape is that she was too much of a doormat/dormouse to actually say no to the douchebag. And the Family, enablers all the way.

    2. baconzgood

      True Story:
      When My ex and I first started going out her ex-boyfriend used to hang out by her bedroom window at night when I was over there (sometimes having the secks-loudly). Which was really really creepy since it was the summer and she didn't have AC and her place was a ranch home…..That was just a little more creepy than this.

  20. prommie

    "God meant for us to be together, Margaret."
    "His will be done."
    "KIss my hot lips, Frank."

    The evangelicals, whose religion is based on a narcissistic belief that Jesus is their very own personal best friend, always think that every time they are horny, thats actually God's will, urging them on to do what God wants them to do, and if it violates any of those rules and commandments and such about the adultery and the fornication, well, God has made an exception for them, because he wouldn't make them want to do it so badly if he didn't want them to do it. Because they are special, being Jesus's very own personal best friend and all.

    1. OneDollarJuana

      This is exactly the reasoning that they use when voting down Medicare to give tax cuts to billionaires.

    2. DustBowlBlues

      That's how good little girls get pregnant. They're so awash in abstinence-only bull shit that they don't use contraception because sex is a sin. But when basic human need takes over, it isn't their fault.

      1. tessiee

        Sex isn't a sin. Taking responsibility for sex is a sin. If you don't use anything, you can claim that your pants magically fell off and it just sort of happened. Also, if you don't use anything, you're a lot more likely to wind up with an unwanted pregnancy or an STD, which means the sex didn't count.

      2. Jerri

        One of my insane fundie relatives actually explained it to me thusly: contraception is sinful because it prevents pregnancy and is therefore just a notch down from abortion.

        Guess how many kids she had before age 18?

    3. tessiee

      "God has made an exception for them, because he wouldn't make them want to do it so badly if he didn't want them to do it. "

      Homer Simpson: "O Lord, I make an offering to You of this milk and these cookies. If it is Thy will that I eat them, please give me a sign by doing absolutely nothing…

      [pause]

      Thy will be done."

      *munch munch munch*

  21. DahBoner

    "John Ensign Proposed To His Mistress At the National Prayer Breakfast"

    If this is the sort of thing that happens over Breakfast, can you imagine how many Conservative Southern Baptist wives are getting fucked over lunch after church on Sundays?

    All that fried chicken, biscuits and sweet tea ain't just eatin' itself, people..

    "LuAnn, can I put my finger in your belly button?

    Why Gomer, that ain't my belly button!

    That's OK, LuAnn. That ain't my finger either.."

  22. Guppy06

    “How wonderful it is. … Scared, but excited.”

    Wait, that's it? How do you get "My wife is sleeping around" out of that? If this is what qualifies as Republican hetero pillowtalk sexting, no wonder they all seem to end up on the other team!

    The Kwame Kilpatrick sexts are downright X-rated in comparison!

  23. Sue4466

    "Cynthia went into the airport and stayed there for hours, later taking a taxi home."

    WTF is with Republicans and holding their sex scandals at airports?

  24. mourningnmerica

    I used to think I was a lousy parent. How fucking sick is it, to do that to your kids. They should have those kids taken away and put in foster care. Plus somebody should just beat the motherfucker unconscious.

  25. RavenRant

    Can't believe nobody's quoted the best line of the report:

    "Put on your pants and go home!"

    This whole report reads like an assessment of a backward teenager with an impulse control disorder. His cronies, his 'spiritual advisors', his parents, everyone cleaning up after Widdle Johnnie. It's hard to fathom that this is a guy in his 50s.

    1. DustBowlBlues

      "Put on your pants and go home!"

      I have been a regular church goer for all but 12 of my 63 years and I can honestly say that no preacher has ever said that to me. Nor any "spiritual mentors" (isn't that what the spooks at C Street call themselves?), either.

      1. RavenRant

        Proud of you, DBB.

        I'm just a depraved fallen away Catholic, but I have never required such interventions to stop me from destroying the lives of everyone in my vicinity.

        But you and I can't be trusted with control of our own naughty bits. We need the Ensigns and Coburns of the world to take charge. (With that teeny, tiny government all up in afore-mentioned bits.)

    2. riverside68

      You just wait till you hit fifty. It's a wild out-of-control ride, I'm impressed he had some idea where his pants were.

    3. tessiee

      "Can't believe nobody's quoted the best line of the report:

      "Put on your pants and go home!" "

      Why in the world would I want to quote myself?

    1. DustBowlBlues

      A razor cut, like all good 1970s lounge lizards have. Where's the leisure suit?

    2. RavenRant

      All the qualifications he needed to be considered 'Presidential' on Repug ticket.

      1. Terry

        A good haircut and a willingness to pander to the teabagger fringe and take direct orders from the Koch brothers.

        1. RavenRant

          Correction taken. No matter how nice the hair, integrity would disqualify him. Fortunately, that hasn't been a problem.

          1. tessiee

            But but but…
            The REAL problem is that Bill Clinton once got a really expensive haircut!

  26. BaldarTFlagass

    The cherry on the sundae would be the predicted rapture next Saturday. Talk about getting dealt the royal straight flush.

        1. baconzgood

          What time? I have Orioles tickets and can the end times please hold off till the evening so I can have a dog and couple beers?

  27. Eve8Apples

    This is why I celebrate Kwanzaa. White people haven't managed to fuck it up, yet.

    1. Negropolis

      So, you're the other person in America that celebrates Black Channukah…er..Kwanzaa.

      I'm partial to Kwanzachristmakah, myself.

  28. BarackMyWorld

    Someone help me out….how recently was it he was considered a possible presidential candidate?

    1. horsedreamer_1

      2007? 2009?

      Either leading into the last cycle, to replace Bush, or coming out of the inaugural, an early contender to vie with Obama in '12.

    2. RavenRant

      Right up to the minute his mistress's husband contacted Megan Kelly to intervene. (Just another freaky twist to this tale.)

  29. DustBowlBlues

    Shit. I was editing the above when someone replied and intenseD told me I couldn't. I wanted to add that I would gladly exchange The Family intervening in these poor people's lives again if {eyes tightly closed, hands raised in prayer, whispering} please, please, please {opens eyes and types again} DOJ will haul Spooky Doktor Tom's ass in front of a grand jury and they indict that son of a bitch.

    1. RavenRant

      Agree. I'm hoping for the wife and kids, at least, that they escape The Family's clutches.

  30. SayItWithWookies

    What a complex person that John Ensign is — the face of Ted Baxter, the hands of Bill Clinton, the false piety of Pat Robertson, the sordid opportunism of Newt Gingrich, the sense of entitlement of Bernie Madoff and the class of Charlie Sheen. And this is the product of The Family, the religious whackos who gave us the C Street House and have an inexplicably huge influence on Congress.

    1. RavenRant

      World wide. We have them to thank for the "Kill the Gays" law in Uganda. As well as a variety of psychotic warlords in various parts of the world.

  31. fuflans

    i don't see what you people are so exercised about. jesus forgives republicans.

    and then they get to run for president.

    1. Rosie_Scenario

      Like Newtie, they love America so much and work so hard, that these things happen . . .

      1. V572..whatever

        When ever bad shit begins, the grammar goes to passive voice. "Mistakes were made…"

  32. sportshort

    Everyone knows that churches are hotbeds of prostitution and vice. Prayer meetings are for hot young things to get down and get it on. Beneath their clothes they are all wearing pentagrams and kissing the blighted butt of S.A.T.A.N. Desperate for power, so that they can spread a rose-petaled cushion for the Lord of Darkness to enter the Kingdom of Sweaty People 'Doing It' To Old Pat Boone Records. I hereby certify I am not on drugs. Much.

  33. baconzgood

    No one said this yet so I quess I have to:

    JER-RY, JER-RY, JER-RY, JER-RY, JER-RY, JER-RY, JER-RY, JER-RY, JER-RY, JER-RY,

  34. Lascauxcaveman

    Lol, I have friend whose second wife was the delivery nurse at the birthing of his firstborn son.

    This guy is … wait for it … a conservative born-again Christian who votes Republican.

    1. DustBowlBlues

      Troll fucked you but I countered. Like a Xmas gift, except the kind Democrats give to each other.

      1. DaRooster

        They say it works 1 out of 10 times… 9 slaps though… Could just think of it as rough foreplay.

        1. riverside68

          Plus all that rejection shame is very HOTTTT, gets you in the mood for dirty nasty transgressive sex, just like what one imagines the liberls and gays have.

  35. V572..whatever

    Anybody besides me find the idea of a "National Prayer Breakfast" disgusting? Who the fuck are these sanctimonious bastards to call their little séance over waffles "national"?

    1. SorosBot

      No, I find it pretty creepy too (along with The Family itself), but you just know if Obama didn't go he'd be called a secret Muslim again & un-American.

    2. kissawookiee

      As a staunch waffle supporter, I must take issue with this and insist it was biscuits 'n' gravy.

    3. Negropolis

      Who the fuck are these sanctimonious bastards to have the nerve to refer to it as a "prayer breakfast?"

      What we all can agree on is off all of the descriptions, it's probably only accurate to refer to it as a breakfast, and then, we don't even know that because we don't know what kind of food they serve.

    4. tessiee

      Isn't there some way to make a positive out of this?
      Couldn't we have, say, a Rastafarian National Prayer Breakfast?
      Sure would work up an appetite for those waffles.

    1. PuckStopsHere

      I'd let Tom Coburn suck my dick. In fact, let me say this: "SUCK MY DICK TOM COBURN!" There. I feel better now. Nice article you linked to. (I typoed "kinked", ha, ha Fruedian typing, I think.)

  36. BklynIlluminati

    Ethics??!! We don't need no stinking ethics! I actually feel bad for the psychiatrist that has to deal with this in a couple years with those kids where do you even start? Xmas permanently ruined the airport issues GAHHHH

  37. BaldarTFlagass

    Was there anything in that amygdala report thingy about uncontrollable libido?

  38. carlgt1

    as the song goes: "and they'll know we are Christians by our love…..errr….sex scandals….err butt-sex"

  39. riverside68

    Three cheers for a good old fashion Wonkette twisted sex scandle!!!

    Took better part of an hour to read through it all, with a couple of comments, laughing all the way.

    Well done, Jack, Thanks for a great Friday send off!

  40. DustBowlBlues

    When the book about The Family and the C Street House came out, I remember someone on NPR explaining the naughty-boys shenanigans this way: like David in the Old Testament, their sexy time doesn't count (nor, in King David's case, 1st. Degree Manslaughter of Bathsheba's husband) because God has singled them out especially to do his work on earth.

    I wonder how they worked that out. Do you just get elected to a position that could give the right wing Coe family (they started during the New Deal as union busters, did you know that?) political influence for their right wing causes. And for murdering gay Ugandans. Inhofe (R-BigOil) is one of them, as well.

    1. RavenRant

      Either elected, or rich, or just in a useful strategic position. Voila! You are one of God's Elect, and can do no wrong.

      One of my favorite anecdotes from the book was a (nameless) Senator whose wife was complaining that he didn't satisfy her sexually. A sane counselor might recommend a sex manual or taking time for foreplay or, gee, I don't know, ASKING her what she would like.

      The Family spiritual advisor's suggestion? Exorcism! She must be demonically possessed. There's no other possible explanation.

      And these people are writing laws.

      1. tessiee

        ???

        I knew that laws, rules, and ethics were for [adjusts tiara] the *little* people…
        But foreplay is too?

  41. franco_pinyon

    Makes one wonder WHICH marriage he was trying to defend with his vote for the DOM Act.

    Repubs get nuttier by the day.

  42. DustBowlBlues

    During the original Ethics investigation, Spooky Doktor Tom, an OB/GYN, claimed he didn't have to talk because of "doctor/patient confidentiality." Were the results of Ensign's pelvic exam including in the Ethics report?

    1. Warpde

      Not at all. The resident Downfister guy is what you would call an Equal Opprtunity Troll.

  43. alzronnie

    Perhaps he took her there to break the news to her that it's over. Cheaper than a restaurant and she probably wouldn't start screaming at a prayer breakfast.

  44. Callyson

    Hampton jumped out of his car and chased Ensign
    Somewhere, there has to be a video of this, from the parking lot security camera perhaps? I could use a good laugh…

  45. El Pinche

    Wait ,is this the same honkey that wore the diapers? I get confused between all these fake xtian hypocritical fartbags.

    1. anniegetyerfun

      No, that was Vitter, and I think he just hired whores, not married women (there's a big difference, as it is more honorable to fuck a whore than to fuck someone else's wife). I have no idea who Ensign is, though. These fucktards all look alike.

  46. Walkinwiddaking

    “How wonderful it is. … Scared, but excited.”
    At first blush a text message like this could be misconscrewed… I mean misconstrued.

    1. riverside68

      She, on the other hand, coming to understand the terms date rape and stalking, was probably feeling ill and suicidal.

  47. lochnessmonster

    Really? They celebrated the birth of baby Jesus anyway after all was revealed? What is the matter with some people?

  48. tessiee

    "THAT SOUNDS LIKE THE WORST FAMILY GATHERING IN THE HISTORY OF HUMAN SOCIETY. "

    My relatives proudly held that title for decades, if not generations, but now I must hand my crown over.

  49. WinterOuthouse

    I thought my family was fucked up. These bastards are out there… Like a bunch of Mormons on Spanish Fly

  50. Terry

    "Hampton jumped out of his car and chased Ensign."

    I would have paid to see this, especially if the Benny Hill soundtrack was playing.

  51. rickmaci

    Forgive me if someone has already said this, but these folks make the people on Jerry Springer look look like models of good taste and decorum. AT CHRISTMAS DINNER THEY SPRING THIS ON THEIR KIDS? "Hey kids, I'm diddling your best friends' mama, your mama says she is OK with this and I got their daddy a new job in violation of a little federal law. Oh, and grandpa and grandma are going to pay for the whole thing and lie to any investigators so if they end up committing some money laundering crime what the fu*k, they're old anyway and what's a little jail time to them?"

  52. Kakkeltje

    Can you imagine being their son's girlfriend?
    - your boyfriend asks you to spend Christmas with his family, because you should meet them and they are really nice.
    - his mother picks you up from the airport.
    - as you get in the car, his mother jumps back out and hides in the airport for hours.
    - a senator runs by, being chased by the father of your boyfriend.
    and that turns out to be the least akward part of the weekend…

  53. Negropolis

    Tearfully proposing to your mistress at the National Prayer Breakfast is probably the most pitiful thing about this most pitiful affair. This guy needs to be indicited, if only for his pitiful offense of the breaching of the pimp code.

    BTW, it looks like the only person nearing prison at the moment is Doug Hampton, which is a damned shame if you ask me. In all honestly, Ensign, his wife, his parents, and the Hamptons (probably even including their oldest son) probably need to be under investigation at least. Oh, and creepy old Tom Coburn. Also.

    Emo Ensign, go home.

    1. tessiee

      "Tearfully proposing to your mistress at the National Prayer Breakfast is probably the most pitiful thing about this most pitiful affair. "

      Yeah, no kidding!
      It takes the king of idiots to, with one sentence, simultaneously ruin boning AND waffles!

  54. orygoon

    What a story.

    Jesus wept. And He has enough other shit going around to make him sad, you bastards.

  55. berkeleyfarm

    Dear C-Streeters Who Can't Keep It In Your Pants,

    That's not the Holy Spirit that's moving you to this behavior. That is your dick. And you are not King David. David actually repented, for one. Cut it out.

    Damn you double-predestination "I am SAVED so it doesn't really matter if I cheat on my spouse, lie, steal" types.

    Special note to John Ensign: grow up, already.

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