Officials Uncover Osama Bin Laden's Inevitable Porn Stash

Hmm, Osama bin Laden was 1) a male who 2) sat around his house all day. Whatever could he have been up to? Oh, just THE most covert masturbation sessions in all of human history. That's right— there was a porn stash in bin Laden's compound. It was "extensive." Oh no! Why did we heathen Americans have to make sexual intercourse so alluring to bin Ladne's body? Now he'll never get into heaven. He was so close to getting into heaven! "The pornography recovered in bin Laden's compound in Abbottabad, Pakistan, consists of modern, electronically recorded video." He had video equipment and liked porn; there is hope for an Osama bin Laden sextape after all! (Maybe it's that one John Edwards made?)

Specifically, the officials said they did not know if bin Laden himself had acquired or viewed the materials.

Surely there is some, uh, DNA on it that they can test? C'mon, OFFICIALS, this is important.

Unfortunately, there is no description of what kind of porn bin Laden liked, because the people at Reuters are really bad at their jobs. But we can think of two options:

• Pathetic, low-quality VHS tapes recorded off Cinemax and sold by a Turkish teenager on eBay

• Disgusting shit that is very illegal in this country

Obviously, those are two equally good, very likely options. That's why he stayed at large for so many years—he always kept you guessing. And he had a pretty good way to deal with stress. [ Reuters ]