Officials Uncover Osama Bin Laden’s Inevitable Porn Stash

  the best recommendation of the koran

Here is a totally random porn cover we found totally at random that of course is unrelated to this story. Totally random.Hmm, Osama bin Laden was 1) a male who 2) sat around his house all day. Whatever could he have been up to? Oh, just THE most covert masturbation sessions in all of human history. That’s right—there was a porn stash in bin Laden’s compound. It was “extensive.” Oh no! Why did we heathen Americans have to make sexual intercourse so alluring to bin Ladne’s body? Now he’ll never get into heaven. He was so close to getting into heaven! “The pornography recovered in bin Laden’s compound in Abbottabad, Pakistan, consists of modern, electronically recorded video.” He had video equipment and liked porn; there is hope for an Osama bin Laden sextape after all! (Maybe it’s that one John Edwards made?)

Specifically, the officials said they did not know if bin Laden himself had acquired or viewed the materials.

Surely there is some, uh, DNA on it that they can test? C’mon, OFFICIALS, this is important.

Unfortunately, there is no description of what kind of porn bin Laden liked, because the people at Reuters are really bad at their jobs. But we can think of two options:

  • Pathetic, low-quality VHS tapes recorded off Cinemax and sold by a Turkish teenager on eBay
  • Disgusting shit that is very illegal in this country

Obviously, those are two equally good, very likely options. That’s why he stayed at large for so many years—he always kept you guessing. And he had a pretty good way to deal with stress. [Reuters]

 
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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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212 comments

  1. PabaBritannica

    "He had video equipment and liked porn; there is hope for an Osama bin Laden sextape after all! (Maybe it’s that one John Edwards made?)"

    No, he's wanking it to the lost Michelle Obama "Whitey God Damn America" Tape.

  2. Frost/Nixon/Robocop

    I don't want to know what he was into. If it's the same stuff I'm into, I'll feel bad.

  3. nicnack74

    You know what they say, "A burqua in the streets, a freak in the sheets!"

    Bow chicka bow wow…

    1. Negropolis

      That stuff must be flamming, then, 'cause al Jazeera will show just about any damned thing.

  4. Lucidamente1

    That's how the Navy SEALs got in so quickly: they knocked on the door and said "Pizza Delivery."

    1. DustBowlBlues

      OT–The Old Man came storming out of the home theater one night, yelling about Brian Williams. It was just after the Navy Seal OBL snuff film wrapped, and Williams had drawn a comparison between how cool and steely was at the Corres. Dinner, and Bush on 9/11. When informed the nation was under attack he stayed composed and didn't let on that anything was wrong. The media had no clue–except half the fucking media was in NYC and watching the Towers come down.

      Bush sat there, looking for all the world like an adolescent waiting for the grownups to tell him what to do.

      The MSM's attempt to stay "balanced" is ludicrous.

      1. neiltheblaze

        I just gotta say, I'm totally down with Mr. Dust Bowl – I fucking despise Brian Williams. He has all the human perception of a garden slug.

      2. deanbooth

        Williams isn't too bright. In an interview of him on C-Span in 2004:

        "I do listen to Rush. I listen to it from a radio in my office, or depending on my day, if I'm in the car, I will listen to Rush. And he will tell you I've been listening for years. I think it's my duty to listen to Rush. I think Rush has actually yet to get the credit he is due, because his audience for so many years felt they were in the wilderness of this country. No one was talking to them."

        1. DahBoner

          "And he will tell you I've been listening for years."

          That's because Brian Williams bought one of those "special" radios that let's the radio show host know you're listening.

          At least that's what the salesman at Best Buy claimed…

      3. DahBoner

        Dick and Rummy told Bush there would probably just be a "few" deaths in some "small" attack that they needed to justify invading Iraq.

        Bush was probably just shocked about how well Dick and Rummy's plan suceeded…

    2. TheSheriffsNear

      Pure win. This is the most deft comment of the thread that started of with LoL's.

      <Slow clap>

  5. WhatTheHeck

    Then there was that video of his: “How to do 72 virgins after the big Bang.”

  6. vodkamuppet

    So this whole time we could have lured him out of hiding with the promise of sex with a nubile young teen and some cookies?

      1. vodkamuppet

        "come on in, I'm just folding some laundry. Sit down and have some iced tea and cookies while I change into this bikini". Just once I'd like to see a guy bolt for the door upon hearing those two sentences.

  7. owhatever

    In the well-worn stack of porn was Dancin' with the Stars, the Bristol years. He fantacized of covering her with a burka. But, most of us did.

  8. tessiee

    The caption of that picture should say "Men of Jersey Shore"…
    Although I'd settle for "men of Tessie's household staff", heh heh heh…

  9. axmxz

    I bet the guy who unwittingly picked up the jerking tape scrubbed his hands raw in the sink. "Unclean! Unclean!"

  10. baconzgood

    See there are some things that are capable of uniting mankind in peace….It's watching two chick getting it on!

  11. Troubledog

    I guess a guy with balls big enough to blow up the WTC, three wives wouldn't be enough to even take the edge off.

    I mean, what do you even DO after you pull that off? You just realized your life's goal, all your dreams, and now you are hiding in a suburb in Pakistan playing Xbox and beating off just like the rest of us.

  12. V572..whatever

    Look at it this way: it took the SEALs about 30 minutes to kill him and grab all the stuff. It's taken them more than a week to find the porn. The dude had taken some precautions that even gave NSA a challenge.

  13. V572..whatever

    No wonder his wives were uncooperative in their "interviews" with US agents.

  14. widestanceroman

    We should keep in mind that videos promising facials simply means there were full frontal faces shown.

  15. DustBowlBlues

    And inspired the oldest of his, what, 86 children to go into the family business.

  16. SorosBot

    Once again proving that bin Laden was a total wanker, and a master at baiting the US.

      1. SorosBot

        Though shooting was nice, it would have been cool if the SEALs had killed him by hand; a job like that would be satisfying, since Osama was such a jerk. Off with his head!

    1. jqheywood

      of Steele?

      Oooh, now I need to wash a really disgusting picture of Michael Steele out of my brain….

  17. samsuncle

    The Seals knew there had to be a porn stash when they discovered Cheeto dust on bin Laden's penis.

  18. johnnymeatworth

    We can only hope there's handwritten stories about him teabagging Michele Bachmann while she misinterprets the Constitution….

  19. SayItWithWookies

    Bin Laden's porn stash is so unremarkable, he's even got a copy of Mitch Daniels' sex tape.

  20. Omophagist

    Wrong, his favorite was clearly "The One Thousand and One Cunts of Scheherazade."

  21. neiltheblaze

    We all may have our political and cultural differences, but if there's one thing that brings us all together – it's porn.

    I hope now the closeted, sexually repressed Evangelicals realize there is more that unites them with OBL than divides them.

  22. Schmannnity

    Sex whenever he wanted it. Unlimited weed. Porn stash. Other than no cable and beer on draft, it sounds a lot like community college slackerdom.

  23. MistaEko

    At some point, we all realize that a nice half hour alone to self-tug to videos is much more worth it than an eternity of awkward entry, failure to launch, and confusion with virgins.

    Hear me, jihadis! Convert to Ekoism and be greeted by 72 college juniors who have been around the block!

    1. Weenus299

      Sooner or later those virgins will get shrill and make him clean the garage of paradise.

    2. Tundra Grifter

      If all the college juniors were laid end to end it would be Saturday night.

      (Thank you Dorothy Parker!)

  24. flamingpdog

    Isn't it about time for Wonkette Supreme Sexpert Sara B to weigh in on the matter?

  25. mereoblivion

    Osama Bin Laden
    Took a break from maraudin'
    And stone cold jihadin'
    (Didn't take that much proddin')
    But his wives stopped applaudin'
    And he felt kinda rodden
    'Cause his shorts got all sodden
    And the pron seemed so ploddin'–
    But now this "poet" be noddin'.

  26. horsedreamer_1

    Conveniently, all the porn was labelled as Property of Salvador Allende Ferdinand Marcos Manuel Noriega Osama bin Laden.

  27. sezme

    (AP)
    Using intermediaries and inexpensive computer disks, Osama bin Laden managed to look at Internet porn while in hiding, without leaving a digital fingerprint for US eavesdroppers to find, it has been revealed.

    His system was painstakingly slow, but allowed him to become a prolific wanker despite not having internet or phone lines running to his compound.

    It also left an extensive archive of pornographic images for the US to scour. The electronic records are revealing thousands of images and potentially hundreds of porn sites.

    Holed up in his walled compound, bin Laden would type a URL, then save it using a thumb-sized flash drive. He then passed the flash drive to a trusted courier, who would head for a distant internet cafe.

    At that location, the courier would plug the memory drive into a computer, copy bin Laden's URL into a web browser and hit Enter. Reversing the process, the courier would copy any thumbnails to the flash drive and return to the compound, where bin Laden would instruct the courier which images to click. Having successfully downloaded a number of full sized images, he would finally achieve satisfaction offline.

    It was a slow, toilsome process. And it was so meticulous that even veteran intelligence officials have marvelled at bin Laden's ability to maintain it for so long.

    1. Tundra Grifter

      Business Most Urgent!

      Dear Sir:

      Please forgive a stranger writing to you. I have a financial matter of the utmost confidentiality to impart, and can no longer trust my closest associates.

      My late father, the shiek, died leaving $100,000,000 in oil and gas revenues in a non-interest-bearing bank account in Dubai…

  28. Gopherit

    orgasms while wearing suicide vests are a tricky thing.

    and why can i only picture a bunch of burkha'd taliban hotties showing some ankle and catching prayer beads?

  29. KeepFnThatChicken

    Sunni and Shia, along with Drew I. Slam, star in the Casablanca rewrite, Everybody Comes At Rick's

  30. pinkocommi

    "Hmm, Osama bin Laden was 1) a male who 2) sat around his house all day."

    I'm thinking there is also a ginormous stash of hashish and Doritos. They're there. The US just has to keep looking.

    1. SorosBot

      Also lots of video games and really cheap bear; probably either Milwaukee's Best or Pabst Blue Ribbon. The place were probably covered in "ironic" posters with jokes about beer and half-naked women.

    2. FNMA

      And that's why he spent a good part of the day watching himself on TV and telling his buddies, "That motherfucker on the TV looks just like me."

  31. obfuscator2

    looks like praying wasn't the only thing dude was doing five times a day. if he was a multi-tasker, i'd be wary when handling his prayer rug.

  32. teebob2000

    Hey, if they frown on showing or depicting women in any form in media, how could they have porn??

    Ohhhhhhhhh, THAT kind of porn. Yikes.

  33. DahBoner

    Let's see. A man who "hated" America, yet loved Pepsi, Coke & Porn.

    The 3 most American exports. USA! USA! USA!

    Next, we're gonna find out he loved to sneek out to the local Abbadad McDonalds in drag…

  34. RavenRant

    Casual non-porn question: Do the men of Wonkette just casually stick their thumb in their speedos the way the 'Man of Israel' on the left is doing?

    Can't really 'splain my curiosity. Just wondering.

    1. flamingpdog

      Unlike the girly man in the photo, men of Wonkette have no need to point out the (obvious) location of their p-ness.

    1. Negropolis

      When Sarah Palin apologizes for being a dick. So…never, I guess.

      Also, only after the Real/Despreate Housewives of Wonkette put out a reality show. also.

  35. mourningnmerica

    Wait. Just wait… a… minute…here. Does this mean that it is UnAmerican, or worse, UnPatriotic, to jack off? Shit……………wait…………………what………….Fuuuuuck……….I gotta ruminate on this….

  36. vulpes82

    Michael Lucas porn, Jack? Meh. I mean, it looks good, but maybe it looks TOO good? It's a bit sleek and aesthetic and soulless for my tastes. Plus, gay Republican and Islamophobe Michael Lucas insists on putting himself and his lips in his movies, which is a turn-off. Now if Steven Scarborough wanted to put himself in his movies… well, that would be a different story.

  37. GOPCrusher

    You've peaked my interest. I would like to see an example of this "Disgusting shit that is very illegal in this country".

  38. DahBoner

    "The discovery of pornography taken during raids on Islamic militants is not uncommon, officials told Reuters."

    Hey, if Abdullah won't do it, her sister camel will…

  39. sezme

    Osama at the Al Qaeda supply store: I'll take 3 blankets, a goat, 5 burkhas, 10 copies of the holy Koran, a beard trimmer, a copy The Economist. Let's see, I'll take Time Magazine, The Guardian, and I'll just take one of these.

    Cashier [shouting]: Hey, Akhmed, how much is a copy of Orgasm?

    Osama: Just put it in the bag.

    Cashier: Yeah, ORGASM. Mr. bin Laden wants to buy a copy.

    Osama: Oh, never mind.

  40. SaintRond

    I keep getting these images of a woman wearing a bag over her head with big tits and Daisy Duke shorts covered in soap and washing a goat. It's kind of hot, in a National Geographic sort of way. I mean, I used to jack off to that stuff when I was about 11. Now I just get off watching industrial fires, but I thought he was into that shit too. Oh well.

  41. wondering where i am

    They said it was "very extensive"–his porn collection that is. Are there THAT many videos of boys and goats? And were any animals harmed in the making of these films? I like goats!

  42. Warpde

    Before commenting on this artical I need to make a full discloser.
    In that in the picture, ladies, I'm the one on the left.

  43. icanhazpbr

    So a guy who crashed penis-shaped flying machines into gigantic steel erections had a porn obsession? Go figure.

  44. UW8316154

    To be fair, I too have spent entire weekends in my house doing nothing but masturbating.

  45. ttommyunger

    Watching porn and stroking your moker? Meh. Call me when someone achieves orgasm the George W. Bush way: sitting in a sink full of cottage cheese and playing the Harmonica.

  46. Negropolis

    It's got to be camel porn, lots and lots of camel porn. Want to see a camel show?

  47. Negropolis

    SWAT-that-ass Valley?

    Debbie Does Damascus?

    Tea-Bag-Dahddi?

    al-Jizzia?

    Maur-a-taint-than-ya?

    A-Rack Iran to?

  48. C_R_Eature

    Has anyone considered the likelihood that it’s the Wives Porn?
    Think about it. You’re stuck inside a crappy plastered high walled concertina wire-topped prison in a tourist town, with a megalomaniacal husband who only wants to talk about Mayhem & World Domination, 14 kids and 2 other wives. No phone or Internet, no booze, all the good dope is outside the wall and Hubby’s always hogging the TV watching himself on tape. The Brothers and the odd assorted couriers are too afraid of OBL to properly grope you behind the Mother-in Law Suite. Nothing to relieve the tension but to rub one off on a regular basis. Hell, I’d buy OBL having to have the Girly Porn drop shipped in just to keep the peace.
    I’m waiting for the inevitable Big Box of Dicks revelation. I’ll bet that the only reason we haven’t so far is that there were too many for the Seals to stuff inside the helos and the Pakistani Bomb Squad blew them up, thinking they were Bangalore Torpedos.

  49. qualityshows

    Wow, I just realized that I predicted they'd "find" a porn stash. Along with other stuff almost as ridiculous as the reality, whatever that may be:

    The "Tupac of Terror" Osama Bin Laden Posts New Posthumous Video
    http://wp.me/pKBYM-z5

Comments are closed.