Make a dick joke! Make fun of his dumb hair! Don't make fun of him for being a good dad.Fiscal conservatives love Indiana Gov. Mitch Daniels because he loves fiscal conservatism. He loves it so much he declared a “truce” in the culture wars in Indiana so he could focus on it. This upset people, and he eventually had to give in to them, because promising the wingnut faithful an end to non-marital and non-heterosexual and non-coital sexual intercouse is how Republicans are elected, not because America is in love with fiscal conservatism geeks, and if the GOP actually ever won the culture wars, their voters would stop going to the polls. But as Daniels starts to look into joining the presidential race, people who don’t want him in it are trying to shame him into the race by propagating Daniels’ big “SCANDAL”: his wife, whom he has since remarried, divorced him in 1994 and moved to California, leaving him with their four young daughters. Despite not having immediate access to their mother, the children did not die. So the skeleton in Mitch Daniels’ closet is that he’s a good parent?

It’s really rather disgusting how many news articles have been written the past few days about Daniels’ past with his wife. Why doesn’t she want to follow him around on the campaign trail and be the pretty, doting prop on the stage next to him? Doesn’t she want to gush to complete strangers, hour after hour, day after day, about how great her husband is at his job, and how much she loves doing her woman duties at home? She probably doesn’t because she’s afraid people will bring up the couple’s divorce 17 years ago, they seem to suggest. WHAT ARE DANIELS AND HIS WIFE TRYING TO HIDE? THAT THEY’RE HUMAN BEINGS AND LOVE AND FAMILY LIFE AND MODERN TIMES ARE COMPLICATED? OOOOOOOOOOOHHHHH! SCAAAAAAAANDAL!

If it had been Daniels who moved to California and left the kids with his wife, nobody would give a fuck. Male politicians are expected to do this. Newt Gingrich is on his third wife because he likes to have affairs all the time, but he’s totally allowed to ask Christian conservative groups for support, and they’ll definitely consider giving it to him.

But a woman left her spouse? She’s a bad mother! Here’s the model GOP politician marriage: The candidate is supposed to be unfaithful, and the wife is supposed to put up with that, take care of the children the candidate never sees, never show any ambition herself outside the home, and travel around the campaign trail smiling and delivering brief, murmuring appraisals of their perfect, 1950s marriage.

And it is unclear how his wife divorcing Daniels is supposed to be his scandal. Are we supposed to dislike him because he wasn’t STRONG enough to force his wife to stay in the marriage with either verbal threats or physical violence? Do we dislike him for marrying a person who seems like she may not always live up to everyone’s impossible standard of what a perfect human being is? What a terrible choice he made! Or, worst of all, are we supposed to dislike him because he’s the rare politician who actually took care of his children and was able to handle the four of them as a single dad for a few years? He should have thrown them in the pool and left them unsupervised so they would drown. Or maybe he should have stopped buying food so they would starve to death. You know, cool things that would make him seem really masculine to the voters!

We live in an America where male senators caught buying prostitutes for diaper sex are easily re-elected. And we’re supposed to hate Mitch Daniels for being a responsible parent? There are signs he may be running in spite of this DEBILITATING SCANDAL. Good for him. It would be nice to have somebody in the Republican field who wasn’t a totally disgusting and/or pathetic human being.

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  • Texan_Bulldog

    Can we dislike him for being W's budget director? And give him a few months battling it out for Republican primary voters; I suspect he'll become a mouth-breathing, full on race baiting tea-tard soon enough.

    • snoopyfan2010

      I think you're right. There is nothing the republicans love more than hate.

      • Jukesgrrl

        And there's nothing they love more than the unborn.

    • justkillmenow

      Can we make fun of him for being from Indiana? I mean, come on. Indiana!

    • edywin2

      Yep, also the policy blunders, the de-certification of State unions, the selling off of Indiana highways to the Germans, the subsequent increase in property taxes, the scandals involving the Lottery Commission,the loss of Medicaid funds to autistic children, not to mention the recent signing of a bill defunding Planned Parenthood in the state will all be covered up by his wife finding a better lay in California.
      Poor Mitch. Lets vote him in!
      I feel bad for him now. And bad for us later.

  • freakishlywrong

    Have these wingnuts forgotten that women vote? This stupid wife thing is not going to tank Mitch Daniels. He defunded Plan Parenthood in his stupid state. For that, and that alone, he should not be considered electable, (in the General).

  • BaldarTFlagass

    You were awfully rough on the Beaver last night, Ward.

  • horsedreamer_1

    I think the reason his wife left him is apparent in the photo: Our Li'l Friend prefers the wieners.

    • Mmm, what a hawt sausage fest!

  • meufchelou

    It's all because he let her do yoga.

  • undeterredbyreality


    • Arken

      Yeah, totally like a RINO to defund Planned Parenthood.

      • DarwinianDemon

        If he didn't burn it to the ground and salt the earth, he's a goddam RINO.

        • horsedreamer_1

          Margaret Sanger? More liked Margaret Singed.

          /tugs collar

          • axmxz

            Margaret Sanger? More like Margaret Zinger. *rimshot*

        • DustBowlBlues

          Or bomb it. They like that, too. And killing doctors, natch.

  • bigdupa

    I would like the MSM to get to the real story. Are any of the daughters hot?

    • horsedreamer_1

      If they were around in '94, at least three are street-legal, so, make with it, Daily Rundown.

    • Arken

      They don't do it for me, but your mileage may vary.

      • Lascauxcaveman

        Maybe not all that hot looking, but they still hope someday to marry a decent and successful man (like dear old dad), and walk all over him, (just like mom).

      • Guppy06

        We need awkward photos of his daughters in shell bikinis stat!

        • horsedreamer_1

          Daniels's speech-writers are already writing the personals ad-copy for the candidacy announcement.

      • BeWoot

        Nope. Identical mileage. I'm sticking with Mrs. Kucinich.

      • HistoriCat

        Hmmm – left to right, 1 drink, 3 drinks, 3 drinks, 2 drinks. Oh who am I kidding. My criteria is "breathing and shows interest" although "intelligent" is a major league bonus.

    • neiltheblaze

      Ain't genetics grand? They all have their mother's mouth.

    • unclejeems

      Nah, Hoosier gals are better looking here in the western part of the state–closer to Ill-a-noise. Anyways, none of them chicks is likely to need da services o' your Planned Parenthood. The Gov has good health insurance, plus great contacts in "the health care industry."

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Single state governor raises 4 children on his own? Wasn't that some sitcom from back in the 70s?

    • nounverb911

      Needs more Gretchen Wilomena Kraus.

      • BaldarTFlagass

        Or maybe Mr French.

    • edgydrifter

      Benson would have been way better with Alan Keyes in the title role.

      • V572..whatever

        "Why don't you kids show some initiative? You're six years old — do you expect to be a parasite all of your life?"

    • Jukesgrrl

      "I liked you girls better when you were fetuses."

  • bureaucrap

    I'm willing to bet that this was generated inside his "campaign" (two college interns and a used Mac) to give him at least a little bit of name recognition. "You know, Mitch Daniels, the candidate with four kids? Remember him? Still no? Slutty wife? Still nothing? Teenage Vampire with six-pack abs? Yeah, that's him."

    • Geminisunmars

      Or get this "story" out early so it can quickly become an old, not important story. Kinda like Grinch Newton is trying to do with his "my patriotism made me do it" story line.

  • baconzgood

    Show me your……WHAT! I need closure on that tee shirt.

    • Arken

      Show me your… menu, please. The waiter never brought mine.

      It wraps around the back of the shirt.

    • kissawookiee

      …buns. Because I can clearly see your wiener.

  • OkieDokieDog

    I'm waiting for Sarah Lou's twat to tweet just what I should think about this scandalous wife leaving her young children. Sarah is America's moral compass on all things childlike.

    • GOPCrusher

      Didn't Sarah Lou leave her husband at least one, if not two children ago?

      • Jukesgrrl

        Whadaya expect? She's a quitter.

  • RadioPlasticSurgery

    You know who else bears a strange resemblance to Mitch Daniels?

    • V572..whatever

      Anybody w/a ginormous forehead? Tim Geithner?

      Honestly, I got nothin.

    • horsedreamer_1

      Loudon Wainwright III?

    • GOPCrusher

      Meg Whitman?

    • DahBoner

      Franciscan monks?

    • Dobby?

  • Fox n Fiends

    Wait…he married the same woman twice? LIBERAL!!!!

    • Hell, he's practically a Mormon.

    • horsedreamer_1

      At the very least, he's Virginia Kelly, Clinton's mom.

    • sounds vaguely bi-sexual.

  • DaSandman

    She was caught compulsively fapping to Barry's sunglasses picture. That's why he defunded Planned Parenthood. He's getting his pay back one way or another.

  • memzilla

    This is weird. His wife, Cheri, looks like Ann Coulter's twin sister, but with less Adam's apple.

    • V572..whatever

      You are cruel to link to that orthodontist's "Before" page.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      No, Ann is Cheri's twin brother.

    • Yep, and with a little Meredith Baxter Birnley thrown in.

    • Bugs Bunny's twin sister.

    • RadioPlasticSurgery

      Those "Chicks on the Right" are even worse. Eww.

    • Geminisunmars

      To me she looks a little like a cross between Carolyn Kennedy and the Duchess of York.

    • mourningnmerica

      Not anorexic enough.

  • V572..whatever

    Jack, it's so sweet to see how outraged you are to learn about the ancient tradition known as "the Double Standard."

  • TanzbodenKoenig

    Republican Glass House Rock Throwing Contest 2012!

  • greypanter

    He appears to be short and balding. Next candidate, please.

  • BlueMonkeh

    He's done enough loathsome things as governor and in his past careers to deserve any and all derision he gets.

  • nounverb911

    Did Daniel's wife come back to him because Newt was unavailable?

  • Terry

    Well, let's be honest. Among Republicans, it's pretty darn unusual for a man to be a good father. It's the uniqueness of the situation that makes this appear to be a scandal to them. Being an outspoken opponent to gay rights who secretly has sex with other men in public bathrooms, not a scandal. Paying hookers to dress you in diapers, not a scandal. Going through wives like tissue paper, not a scandal. Taking care of his kids, lynch him!

    • V572..whatever

      Many upfists would be yours, were I able to make it so.

    • WhatTheHeck

      Terry, Simple-minded people would see it that war.

  • DrBobNM

    really good article, Jack. Bravo! Conservatives can indeed be all -f-ed up.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    Sorry, Mitch, but you're not crazy enough to be a GOP candidate.

  • pukebot

    the real scandal is that after he got slut widowed he followed her to california and did porn under the name "ditch maniels". i read it on drudge.

    • horsedreamer_1

      Talk about automatic transmission!

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Guess she got the "smoke a bunch of sinsemilla, snort a bunch of coke, screw a bunch of lifeguards and surfers" urge out of her system, at least.

    • neiltheblaze

      Sounds like my last vacation.

  • Moonbat

    Well, if he's a good parent, I think he should stick to that. Leave the politicking to people who are good at politics. "Comparative advantage" and all. Smart former OMB director like Daniels should know all about it.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Oy! You see those Bush-era budgets?

      "Smart"? Where'd ya get that?

  • OneDollarJuana

    Obviously the scandal is that Daniels is not cut out to be a good modern Republican. His wife left him, instead of the usual way. Clearly, Daniels has a little penis, completely the opposite of Strong Republican Men. Also, she left the kids with him, instead of the usual way. Clearly, Daniels is pussy-whipped, completely the opposite of Strong Republican Men.

    • mourningnmerica

      Yes. You nailed it.

  • DarwinianDemon

    So Bush's budget director…the guy that helped create the framework that took us from a surplus to a crushing deficit…

    Maybe he'll pick the Captain of the Titanic as his Veep? The guy that invented The New Coke?

    Jesus. The fact that he is the front runner is crushingly depressing.

  • CapeClod

    Daniels is way too short. The last short guy we elected president was Josiah Bartlett and we only did that fictionally.

  • Serolf_Divad

    I hear there are pictures of Daniels in an apron serving his family a quiche lorraine he slaved over all day, while his wife (leaning back in her chair at the head of the table) pats his ass.

  • freakishlywrong

    We should start a group called Planned Victimhood and when all the 'tards sign up due to the librul media, defund it.

  • We are at war with homosexual marriage. We have always been at war with homosexual marriage.

  • Fuck Toad

    "The task of such people is now a simple one. They need only play good defense. The federal spending commitments now in place will bring about the leviathan state they have always sought. The health care travesty now on the books will engulf private markets and produce a single-payer system or its equivalent, and it won't take long to happen. Our fiscal ruin and resulting loss of world leadership will, in their eyes, be not a tragic event but a desirable one, delivering the multilateral world of which they've dreamed so long.

    Fortunately, these folks remain few. They are vastly outnumbered by Americans who sense the presence of the enemy, but are awaiting the call for volunteers, and a credible battle plan for saving our Republic. That call must come from this room, and rooms like it." — Mitch Daniels at CPAC

    Don't believe the hype. Mitch Daniels isn't moderate or reasonable. He called us traitors.

    Plus he wants to 'sunset' Social Security and Medicare. (Same speech, even!)

    • DarwinianDemon

      I am upfisting you thusly.

      Was it good for you?

    • horsedreamer_1

      He called it the Red Scare.


    • GOPCrusher

      Not sure which is more sickening. The fact that these people have a general loathing of the American citizenry or that they believe that the majority of the American citizenry believe the same as they do?

      • horsedreamer_1

        Since Nixon, the "good" people have thought each of them is an island.

        John Donne is spinning in his grave.

  • widestanceroman

    It's scandalous because he was obviously soft on wife-beating–a real man would not have allowed his woman to up and leave.

    For comedic purposes, it's a damn shame her name isn't 'Lucille.'

  • Arken

    Eh, she kind of has a weird sneery smile, but I'm sure she's a lovely young woman.

    • bigdupa

      I put them above the Nixon, Reagans, Bushes, Clinton, and Carter but below the Gore's and Dukakis. For Indiana, they are on the top end of the curve. Bet they know how to handle a plow and basketball and perform the famous "French Lick" maneuver.

      • horsedreamer_1

        famous 'French Lick' maneuver

        Fadeaway jumper?

        • Arken

          It's a town in Southern Indiana. Some other fun ones are Floyd's Knobs and Gnawbone. I grew up in nearby non-funny named Bloomington.

          • undeterredbyreality

            (Home of Larry (white-boy CAN hit fadeaway jumper) Bird.)

      • Negropolis

        For Indiana,

        Best. Qualifier. Ever.

  • FannyBurney

    The Palinistas don't like him because he's…an Arab.

    I swear I am not making this up. They're afraid he might be a secret Muslin.

    • GeoffPeterson

      What are you talking about? He IS a Muslin Arab Terrist! Get out of here Mitch Hussein Daniels!

  • horsedreamer_1

    Daniels is just Abe Simpson to his wife's Mona.

  • BZ1

    The Bushies like the Daniels, look out….

  • Ducksworthy

    Raising kids is women's work. Mitch did women's work. Therefore unelectable. Unless he was molesting them, then it might be OK.

  • I will stick with disliking Mitch Daniels because he is a Republican.

  • PabaBritannica

    Was T-PAW too exciting for you? Well here comes MITCH "THE BORING BALDING WHITE GUY" DANIELS. Thrill to his being the former President of Eli Lily! Quiver in anticipation of his talk on balancing budgets by requiring all people on unemployment to move to Gary!

  • DashboardBuddha

    I once had a girlfriend that was fetching.

    Ok…she was a dog.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Geeze — even the man's scandals are second-rate. I'm gonna go read some more news about Canada.

  • edgydrifter

    I'm going to go out on a limb here and say if you abandon your family to shack up with some dude/dudette out in Cali for a few years while you "get your head together," you are a bad person. I know they're a pain in the ass much of the time, but they're your fucking kids–you made them, so put on your adult britches and deal with them. I know, I know… it's not my place to judge and she probably had a very good reason for doing what she did. Whatever. I'll admit I'm a fairly mediocre dad, but I don't think I need a "Parent of the Year" sash to know abandoning your kids is about one step up the moral ladder from just tossing them in the river.

    And in the end, 'ol Mitch will bear the ire of his base, who will loudly proclaim him less than a man for not being able to keep his woman in her place. He must be a glutton for punishment.

    • Mumbletypeg

      Hard to say if it's for anyone but the kids to decide. Beyond the wife pursuing another guy she believed she'd be better off with — or was infatuated with, or found in him a ready escape from politico-spouse pageantry and whatever's involved with parenting 4 kids — those are details we're without and I'd rather be without. The fact she came back is a remarkable gesture of belief in righting a wrong, I dont' care if she had to endure humiliation at the hands of her fling-object and certainly among their extended families and friends.*

      • Mumbletypeg

        *Saying this as one who with my sister was left in the care of an uncle at a really difficult time in childhood.. But mine was a single mom who had for whatever reason to go away fromhome to scope out job possibilities without the youngsters tagging along; we had a fairly cool hippie-uncle to get to know in her absence and thus bought 4 more months w/ long-time gradeschool buddies until we'd be transplanted away from them/ reunited w/ Mom in a new town. Our relationship did suffer and I grew-up faster but we're a resilient species, and I have to conjecture that the Daniels girls found new sources of strength through their hardships together as well — not to mention getting primary parenting from Dad, something many kids would love to experience just once let alone a few years'. (Also my mom ended up remarrying my dad so maybe that's why else I'm sort of defensive of this couple's personal trial — though I find many of his governing policies indefensible).

  • VinnyThePooh

    perfect, 1950s marriage

    Always dressed in their Sunday best. He in a suit and tie, she in black and blue.

  • proudgrampa

    I, for one, think this is a terrible libel against the Daniels family. I mean, Jeff Daniels is a fine actor and supports Michigan. And what about that great American hero, Jack?

    What? Oh. Never mind.

  • tihond

    Isn't the real skeleton in his closet the fact that his skeleton is only two feet tall?

  • Guppy06

    "In a 2009 interview with the Associated Press, Daniels, 62, lamented the microscope that families come under on the campaign trail. "

    If you parade them in front of cameras at every opportunity (Palin, Santorum, etc.), you don't get to call it "scrutiny."

  • Gopherit

    I am no Daniels fan, but I am a true conniseur of republican hypocrisy. Gingrich can get blow jobs while one of his wives is in the hospital fighting cancer, and he becomes a moral crusader. Daniels and his wife go through a really rough patch, but still manage to eventually honor their vows……and they are using it to shame him. Does it get more republican than that? Jesus is so proud.

  • neiltheblaze

    Fambly valuez!

  • DustBowlBlues

    If this asshole were president, the NLRB would be converted into a regulatory agency enforcing the new national right-to-work law.

  • Redhead

    I suspect the scandalous part is that the kids are actually his, made the old-fashioned way, and not adopted/test-tube-babies/props used to help hide the Republican's homosexuality and love for little 13-year-old boy tail.

    • horsedreamer_1

      Chief Justice Roberts, is that you?

  • neiltheblaze

    Watching Republicans slime each other is the only part of the primary season I'm looking forward to. It's only a pity one of these psychotics has to actually win it.

    I don't give a fuck how they crucify each other, as long as they do.

  • riverside68

    There is a reason why 99.9999999999999999999999999999999999999999999% of people never consider running for office. They don't want every little moment in their lives on the front page of the TV. Like that little tiny period where my partner left spouse, four daughters (mostly pre-teen) ran of to California and GOT MARRIED. WTF?

    Something significant broke down in the relationship. My experience is no matter how much I believe I am in the right at the time, it always turns out in hindsight that both sides in a breakdown had responsibility. I know they are only human, bla bla bla, but they don't have to be president of the country. Governor is pretty good.

    Way too normal for higher office, they need to count their blessing and call it good. Let the Repugs flounder along with the loosers they got.

    (I am waiting for the interview with Interim Husband in CA: Mittens hair? Arnold Pecs? Jerry Brown intellect? Porn star? Deadhead? No children? Wart on p-ness?)

    • horsedreamer_1

      All of the above: which means, that's right, Mrs Daniels was married to Evan Stone.

    • riverside68

      PS: If he cared for her one-tenth as much as he cares for himself he would not take his marital story national. She can't be looking forward to this.

  • teebob2000

    … but a shitty picker of wives.

  • He's still an asshole. Asking the wingnuts to get right why he's an asshole is asking too much.

  • DahBoner

    His hair looks like he is wearing a flesh-colored yamaka.

    The GOP only like guys with Gayhair.

    On the plus side, he is standing in front of a bunch of sausages and next to a guy with a "Show Me Your Tits" t-shirt…

  • DahBoner

    "Texas Congressman Ron…"


    Unless this is someone from the Rio Grande border area, you already told me everything I need to know:

    Some batshitcrazy person thinks they can be Pretzeldent….

  • ttommyunger

    Mitch shouldn't be dissuaded by the fact that he married a wormy cunt who abandoned him and their four daughters for a new punch; then when she started losing her figure and her looks she came crawling back promising to toss his salad at least twice a week and play nice on the campaign trail like a good Stepford Wife. She must be able to suck a golf ball through a garden hose because now she looks like Patrick Buchanan in a cheap blond wig. I hold none of this against him; the Bush accomplice years, that's different.

    • unclejeems

      Or, to quote Willie Nelson in The Electric Horseman, "suck the chrome off a trailer hitch."

      • ttommyunger

        Works for me

  • user-of-owls

    Airfare: Indianapolis-Buenos Aires


    Carne Argentina. Lo mejor carne.

  • Jukesgrrl

    Do we really know if he's an actual "good" father, or does just not dumping your kids when the wife splits count if you're a Republican?

  • Negropolis

    Seriously? Are you really defending this guy against this shit? This is typical media shit, and quite tame. This is my first time hearing the story, and I haven't seen cable news running with this, so it's not like it's been around the world two-times over.

    Can we save this shit for the, oh, handful of decent Republicans that may actually need defending? What an incredibly strange angle to take with this, if I'm being honest. "Poor, persecuted Mitch Daniels." Give me a fuckin' break. It's funny, if a Republican isn't publically screaming about gays, guns, and god he's a decent human being. Forget that he single-handedly did to unions what Scott Walker did, but in one fuckin' day like some crazy-assed dictator, or that he made voter registration more difficult, etc…all the stuff he trailblazed but has since become very popular with Republicans.

    This is not even to mention his very, very recent turn towards crazy. He is not one of the good guys, which as far as I'm concerned means that he can defend himself from (possibly) unfair attacks. The Republicans created their little monster constituency, so they better take it when they come back to haunt their candidates. It's called a karma.

    Surprise: When you play in shit constituencies, you risk getting/being dirtied.

  • But, in the nightmarish eventuality that he actually gets elected, Cheri Daniels would be First Lady! As any wingnut commenter will tell you, this is a position of great importance. We will lose our sweet organic, vegetable garden and be ruled over by Anna Karenina.

  • greenloner

    "Well, he still hasn't done away with public education yet."

    He's well on the way to getting rid of Indiana's public schools. I'm a Hoosier and I loathe him. In fact, this whole business about his wife departing, then returning and remarrying him is the only good thing I ever heard about him.

  • ShaveTheWhales

    1. Parents are sometimes put in difficult situations. Most of them respond by acting like parents. In my own case, my wife died when our two sons were 4 and 1. I don't think I was a particularly wonderful single father, but at least both of them have survived to adulthood. It never occurred to me that I had any choice other than to continue to be their parent. I believe this is true of the vast majority of parents who suddenly find themselves "single" for any reason. Daniels deserves a friendly pat on the back for behaving like a regular human being.

    2. Daniels is also a politician. That's what he does with the part of his life that isn't being a parent. As a politician, he has spent his career advancing policies that are damaging to very many regular human beings (but not him). He would be an even bigger catastrophe than several of his more flamboyant potential rivals, because he does have some grip on how to get shit done. And, of course, the shit that he would get done would be, you know, shit.

  • The thing is, this really does render him unelectable, because the First Family is like a temporary set of Royals, American style. There will be people, plenty of them, who would say "I like his ideas, but I just can't stand the idea of a child abandoning slut as first lady."

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