the revolving door is for patriots

FCC Lady Who Approved Comcast Deal Handed Nice Comcast Job

By 'private sector,' she means the spot where America is screwed.Federal Communications Commission commissioner Meredith Attwell Baker was so nice about letting Comcast buy NBC that Comcast offered her a job. Yay! We love happy endings! This must be a really good job, the kind that comes with a huge bonus for doing something like, oh, we don’t know, clearing the giant corporation over a tough regulatory hurdle, because Baker is leaving the Janet Jackson boob squad to take the position. Some people don’t like when this sort of thing happens, but those people should shut their stupid faces. Bureaucrats have to make bank too! And that’s why, at the same point in their careers, police officers should quit the force to go work for criminal gangs trying to help them escape the law. Everybody does it, right?

Comcast declined to comment, a company spokeswoman said.

Ms. Baker did not respond to several emails and phone calls for comment.

Huh? Why is that? Don’t they want to tell everyone how excited they are to be working together? It’s almost like there’s something wrong with doing a corporation a huge favor and immediately landing a cushy job with them.

If there’s one Founding Father this country adores, it’s Benedict Arnold, who had the sense when to stop doing public service work and cash in with the other side. George Washington, the poor bastard, was a chump. Arnold’s dedicated years working for the American public as a general totally absolve him of anything he did afterwords, right? [WSJ/Reason]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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149 comments

    1. Omophagist

      Well, hopefully she still feels just as Comcastic*TM when her husband dies in a nasty autoerotic asphyxiation tryst with a rent boy and her son OD's on heroin! That way when after she loses everything and decides to kill herself by shoving both hands into the grinder of an In-Sink-Erator*TM and bleed out she can think to herself, hey, at least I screwed America over for money like a common syphillic street whore that was driven into that life b/c my father molested me.

    2. Rotundo_

      Comgasmic? I think this goes beyond feeling Comcastic. That kind of money should put most folks in a perpetual state of bliss.

    1. MasterDebater

      It's the wholesome-looking ones that are totally depraved kinkbots in bed. Always.

        1. anniegetyerfun

          Hell, you could probably burn a pile of bills and then use the resulting heat to rapidly air-dry your post-coital tears.

    2. Wadisay

      Thank god. I thought all these phone company crooks had to wear that little pink dress.

    3. OhNoGuy

      It is critically important for an old whore to be well turned out.

      Don't ask me how I know that.

  1. mavenmaven

    The invisible hand of the free marketplace can be legitimately used by Republicans for masturbation as well.

  2. SayItWithWookies

    That's okay — it's just like when corporate execs do something good for America, they're rewarded with government jobs. Oh wait.

    1. comptoneffect

      Kinda hoping that as soon as Rachel sees this post she'll put something together for tonight's show.

    1. Not_So_Much

      534 legislators (Gabby gets a pass) seem to be thriving with this mindset.

      Plus, Cheney is doing it with NO FUCKING PULSE (which is pretty gangsta, to be honest).

    2. Rotundo_

      You may have the occasional pang of guilt, but damn, it just washes down the drain in your marble shower with 50 nozzles directed for maximum pleasure and cleanliness. You might wonder what sort of world your kids will inherit, but those private schools really make a difference in getting your foot in the right doors. You might realize that money won't bring you happiness, but that 100 footer moored down in Florida distracts you pretty damned well.

  3. baconzgood

    "Ms. Baker did not respond to several emails and phone calls for comment."

    Because she was to BUSY ROLLING AROUND ON BIG FUCKING PILES OF MONEY!

  4. Barb

    We should all get a job with Comcast. We can tell them they we are going to show up "sometime between 9 A.M. and noon" and just show up at 3:00 P.M. and stay for 45 minutes and leave with nothing working.

    1. WhatTheHolyHeck

      Or wait until after 3:00 to cancel the workday out of the payroll system and claim it was never scheduled in there to begin with.

    2. elviouslyqueer

      "If the customer's not happy, Comcast is not happy."

      HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

      1. Barb

        30 minutes is spent accepting personal calls on our cell phones and calling other employees and sipping from the Big Gulp, full of gin while we work.

        1. elviouslyqueer

          Our last installer was so stoned I could smell him from 20 yards away. And the sorry SOB didn't even have the decency to share. Customer service FAIL.

    3. SorosBot

      We can also have a secret stash of booze that we can use to become all pixilated at random times and become impossible to work properly.

  5. sezme

    You can tell she was qualified for the job, because she didn't qualify for Affirmative Action.

  6. loulouroo

    Yeah, um, no shit. And Billy Tauzin got a nice job lobbying for pharmaceuticals after he helped cram through the drug bill. Whores one and all!

  7. phlox✔

    It's the American way, right? They've (all) been doing this for years.
    We're just inured to the blatant quid pro quo at this level of 'government'.
    Things like this used to be a little more nuanced but these days there's just no need.
    No one really cares enough.

  8. BaldarTFlagass

    I could see this as natural behavior were she a holdover from the Bush years, but she was appointed by Obama. Way to make us pine for Colin Powell's son, Kable Kunt!!!

    1. SayItWithWookies

      Appointed by Dubya in 2009 — the last 20 days of the administration — according to ThinkProgress. So I guess she's ethically grandfathered. Be sure to count the silverware, FCC.

      1. SorosBot

        So that means Obama will be able to put in her replacement and the balance of power a bit. Does anyone know what the D/R spread is now? Hopefully we'll get more people who realize that saying fuck or showing a breast on-air doesn't actually hurt anybody instead of the prudes that run it now.

      2. BaldarTFlagass

        Huh, Wiki (I know not the most reliable source) sez "nominated for a seat on the Federal Communications Commission (FCC) by President Barack Obama on June 25, 2009." Oh well, I strive for Christ-like perfection, but when I fail to achieve it, I will so admit with Christ-like humility.

        1. SayItWithWookies

          A few links later, it turns out that both accounts are right. She was appointed by Dubya and headed the program to send out coupons to people to help with the transition to digital television, and then President Obama appointed her as the minority party rep to the FCC. Also, she's married to the son of Republican Fredo James Baker III, unimaginatively named James Baker IV. http://voices.washingtonpost.com/posttech/2009/12

          1. DustBowlBlues

            Miss Manners says that Junior is used to denote a son named for dad. She goes on to say that use of III, IV etc. is just tasteless affection unless you're a monarch or the pope.

            So fuck them and their affectation.

          2. V572..whatever

            Actually the rule is this. I am V572625694. My son is"V572625694, Jr" if and only if he has the exact same first and middle names. His son with the same name is "V572625694 III." When I die, Jr becomes just "V572625694," and his son moves up to Jr status. If III has a kid with the same name while I'm alive, he is "V572625694 IV," but that doesn't happen too often for obvious reasons.

            Plus, as you correctly point out, it's pretentious bullshit.

            Hope that clears it up.

  9. horsedreamer_1

    Is this prediction, or reporting?

    I don't get Current on my gym's cable package — the only place I regularly watch cable, or tee-vee, for that matter — so I hope it's the former. & I hope it's… WRONG!

    1. freakishlywrong

      I'm not even predicting horse, just snarkin', but Republicans melt in the facty water, so I'm hoping not, and would follow Rachel anywhere.

  10. ManchuCandidate

    Let's hope it ends just as well for her as it did the Pentagon lady who approved the flawed Boeing Tanker deal and then was fired/landed in jail because that's a (non sexual) happy ending.

  11. MildMidwesterner

    My telephone call to NBC has been on hold ever since it was purchased by Comcast.

  12. Gopherit

    Republican Federal Communications Commission commissioner Meredith Attwell Baker is planning to leave the agency for a job at Comcast Corp., according to people with knowledge of the matter.

    Ah, in that case, completely understandable. Nothing to see here. Carry on.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      Also: "She is married to the son of James Baker, who served as the Chief of Staff in President Ronald Reagan's first administration and in the final year of the administration of President George H. W. Bush."

      Does anything more need be said?

      1. lulzmonger

        In before hemophilia, blue skin & congenital psychosis.

        But America doesn't have an aristocracy, because it's a democra- bwahahahahaha!

  13. AnAmericanInTO

    As someone who shares her first name, I am disgusted.

    Of course, the way she spells it is the Whore way.

  14. Goonemeritus

    Nice to see a sister getting her beak wet, why just a generation ago this kind of unethical behavior was totally male dominated. “You’ve come along way Baby”

    1. RadioPlasticSurgery

      You go girl, shatter that glass ceiling.
      Andrea Dworkin and Mary Daly would be so proud.

    1. DustBowlBlues

      I take it he got out of his contract by signing one of those agreements that he wouldn't appear on another channel for a few months?

      He might actually do some good for Current if his show gets more teeth than he could have on MSNBC. As I recall, he left Countdown about 40 minutes after the Comcast deal.

  15. prommie

    This is the ultimate success for a staffer, a toadie, a Smithers. Long-time staffer rises to appointed head of some agency or another, spends 3 years, then retires to corner office working for some major player in the regulated industry. Job duties: taking old friends who still work in government out to play golf. Thats it, thats the whole job description.

    1. RadioPlasticSurgery

      You forgot one big modern skill: Instituting metric based performance reviews.

  16. OkieDokieDog

    This is all just a co-inky dink.

    A very well thought out planned co-inky dink.

    1. comrad_darkness

      Let's hope her boss expects her to fluff him before meetings on the expectation that she's used to that sort of thing.

  17. JoshuaNorton

    Meredith Attwell Baker was so nice about letting Comcast buy NBC that Comcast offered her a job.

    The striking thing about this is she'll lie about why she got the job, and we'll all know she is lying, and she'll do it anyway. There's a point where actions tend to cross over from bravado into sociopathic illness.

  18. chascates

    If something like that happened between Wall Street and the government regulators something catastrophic could happen!

  19. Duly_Noted

    Somewhere, the spirit of George Washington Plunkett (aka "Plunkett of Tammany Hall," who said; "I seen my opportunities and I took 'em.") is smiling.

  20. SorosBot

    Commcast/XFinity has been such an outstandingly ethical company though, with such upstanding practices as owning the station that shows most Phillies, Flyers and Sixers games and not letting dish networks or FIOS carry it, or the new XFinity ads where just by coincidence everyone only watches NBC shows, I cannot believe they would resort to bribery.

  21. Worthly[♬♪♬♪♫♪♬]Skum

    I'll withhold judgement until I see her naked on a roof.

  22. DashboardBuddha

    What.the.fuck?! I sell insurance and I had to sign a non-compete clause in case I leave. Why don't we have a rule that says that if you are a high ranking government official, you can't work for a company you regulated for 5 years?

    1. Gold_ManSacks

      You're asking why people who make rules and regulations don't pass rules and regulations that would prohibit them from making shit-tons of cash? I think it has something to do with the shit-tons of cash they stand to make.

      1. DashboardBuddha

        :::slaps forehead::: Sorry…I forgot what country I was living in for a moment.

    2. DustBowlBlues

      Exactly. I was thinking the same thing. The answer, of course, would be that one the government salary, we couldn't afford to hire "the most qualified." Like there isn't an un-or-under employed wonkeratti who is more qualified than this corporate cock sucking bitch.

    3. OhNoGuy

      Missed the obvious. Rules are for the little people and you're (NOTICE I SPELLED IT RIGHT) one of the little people.

      So sit down and shut up. That's the rule for the new century.

  23. BaldarTFlagass

    I don't know how they get away with this shit in the upper echelons. Us trench-dwellers, if one of us decides to leave govt to go to work for a contractor, have to recuse ourselves from any kind of contracting activity or anything else having to do with that contractor from the minute the decision is made. If someone was involved with the award of a big contract (or even one worth a few measly million) and then left and went to work for that contractor, the Air Force OSI would be up their ass with a microscope.

  24. Zvi_Bleindmeis

    I'm considering getting out of the clinical psychology game. I would like to try causing some traumatic reactions for a change. Any suggestions where I could find some opportunities to pursue that passion?

    1. James Michael Curley

      Go into colorectal medicine and from behind the back of your patients mutter, "Oh my god, Oh my god."

  25. DustBowlBlues

    In your 5 bedroom Aspen ski bungalow. Because you don't want to suffer when you're on holiday, do you?

  26. DustBowlBlues

    Let's pray for her ratings to be high. Maybe we should write her sponsors and tell them we're buying their shit bec. they advertise on her show?

    Ed. note: between arthritis in my right hip (which never hurt before) and fucking up my right shoulder doing exercises I learned in fucking physical therapy, the right side of my body is in serious pain. Hence, the use of abbreviations. Just so you know I haven't gone all Grassley on your asses.

  27. proudgrampa

    Awww, come on. You don't think there was a quid pro quo going on here, do ya? I wouldn't believe that in a million years…

  28. KeepFnThatChicken

    So which commissioner voted for Netflix? Or should we prepare to watch another FCC vacancy come about when someone goes to AT&T?

  29. DustBowlBlues

    Am I just dreaming, or have we seen a bit of feistiness on the part of Democrats besides just Sanders and my pretend boyfriend, Weiner (D-Dreamboatsville)?

    If this circle jerk isn't worth getting up in front of the 2 or 3 dozen people watching C-SPAN and making a Hyde Park Speaker's speech, then what the fuck is?

    This would be a great issue to launch an Alec Baldwin campaign for [public office ].*

    Fill in the blank.

  30. user-of-owls

    George Washington, the poor bastard, was a chump.

    Maybe, but I heard he had like, thirty dicks.

  31. BlueStateLibel

    Do the Chinese put up with this crap? I seriously doubt it, as I remembering some hanging over bad milk. That's why they're kicking our ass and will continue to do so. But have to keep the happy face on because we killed that pathetic old guy in his underwear last week. USA and all that.

      1. mumbly_joe

        Oh, well never mind then. If there's one thing the world needs more of, it's definitely reciprocity.

        Uh. That definitely wasn't an embittered reference to my last relationship or anything.

  32. fuflans

    you know whenever something particularly unsavory comes up, it's followed by 'bush administration, bush era regulation, bush appointment, etc.'

    like for instance the teri gross interview i'm listening to RIGHT NOW about for-profit colleges (see: bush admin created loopholes to allow for profit colleges to aggressively recruit / pay bonuses for recruitment, obama admin is having to clean up the mess).

    but still!! we have a black man for president and he lets rappers visit the white house!!!! never forget!!!

  33. MissTaken

    "Ms. Baker did not respond to several emails and phone calls for comment."

    Well, duh. Here cable modem went out and she has to wait until 3 Tuesdays from now sometime between 9 am and 4 pm for the Xfinity dude to show up.

    Oh wait, that's me. Nevermind!

  34. Rotundo_

    Different time, different place. High finance and bidness has re-entered the glorious wild west days with no fences or barriers (laws, impediments, strong hints that theft and murder are illegal) to keep them from prospering the living shit out of 'Murca. Once they rode tall steeds, now they ride mousy brunettes and Gulfstreams to fame and fortune.

  35. comrad_darkness

    Don't let that revolving door hit you on the ass; it's spinning mighty fast.

Comments are closed.