intellectual/comedy heavyweights

Meghan McCain Writes Jokes About Glenn Beck Criticizing Her Naked Body

If you don't want to have sex with her, don't say anything at all.America, we are in a time of national crisis. The worst has happened: Glenn Beck tried to make some jokes about Meghan McCain, and in response, Meghan McCain tried to make some jokes about Glenn Beck. Beck, you see, thought that confusing PSA of Meghan McCain appearing naked on a rooftop with a collection of forgotten ’90s teen actresses was gross. Here was the king of the Jews’ joke: He pretended to vomit. And here was the rich people’s daughter’s response: “But the thing is, Glenn, I wasn’t really naked and I know the idea of me being naked caused you to vomit on your radio show for 10 minutes.” Ooh! She knows the idea! Great sentence! “By the way,” she writes later, “you should really see a doctor because it isn’t normal to vomit for that long.” Meghan McCain is a vomit connoisseur and will turn her nose up at anyone who doesn’t vomit her way.

A few months ago, I filmed a PSA for skin cancer awareness where I posed in a strapless Juicy dress to appear “naked,” as a metaphor for the dangers of going out in the sun without sunscreen. I thought that pretending to be naked (even if I only disrobed to my collar bone) would hopefully call attention to skin cancer, a disease that both my parents have suffered from.

Haha, somebody at that skin cancer place told Meghan McCain that all those ladies appearing naked wasn’t to draw media attention to the cause, it was a METAPHOR. Meghan McCain’s body is practically Shakespearian its meaning is so deep.

She doesn’t quite understand what a metaphor is, it would appear, but we don’t know why we think she would, considering she also doesn’t know what a collarbone is. She seems to think her collarbone is just above her nipples. Or does she think the collarbone shifts in one’s body to wherever the collar on one’s shirt is? Maybe she thinks “collar bone” is the polite online-magazine-journalist way of saying “boobs.”

As a person who is known for his hot body, you must find it easy to judge the weight fluctuations of others, especially young women. If any of your daughters are ever faced with some kind of criticism of their physical appearance or weight, they should call me, because women’s body image is another issue I feel passionate about, and have become accustomed to dealing with and speaking with young women about on my college tours.

We love the image of Meghan McCain wandering around college campuses, muttering out loud to nobody in particular about women’s body issues, as passing students try to avert their gaze from her. “I am the daughter of a man who ran for president, and I have a body, and I can have sexual intercourse!” she will scream, as campus security officers drag her away from the quad.

Anyway, thank you, Glenn Beck, for giving Meghan material for her monthly column “job.” If you didn’t, she would have probably tried to analyze politics again. [Daily Beast]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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  1. Barb

    I hear that her beer heiress Mom is pissed off. Wonder if Beck awoke with Spuds McKenzie's head in his bed this morning?

      1. tessiee

        "I just threw up for 10 minutes."

        Sorry you had a scare, Suds, but to be fair, any mention of Glenn Beck would have that effect.

      1. Badonkadonkette

        No idea. I haven't even been to one of Breitbart's sites in a while. If it doesn't clear up soon, I'll have to make an appointment.

    1. V572..whatever

      And they say recent college graduates can't get jobs — honestly! USC graduates have all sorts of opportunities. Particularly those with rich parents. Which is most of them; they don't call it the University of Spoiled Children for nothing.

  2. Mumbletypeg

    As Harry Reid will tell you, Megs, the distance from collarbone to disaster-prone is just a few inches when the surface is slick.

      1. Mumbletypeg

        Linked from FauxNews, no less? Wow — to quote earlier annie_g: "the mind, it boggles"!

        1. DashboardBuddha

          Yeah…sorry about that. I copied the URL from that site just to sneak it by some uptight righties at another site I frequent. They'r all, "ho ho! You used Mother Jones as a source?!"

          Makes you wonder though. Rush doesn't have kids…hmmmm.

          1. poncho_pilot

            he does have kids but not for very long. after he sucks the stem cells out of them he discards their bodies like so many empty bottles of oxycontin.

  3. BaldarTFlagass

    Meghan McCain’s body is practically Shakespearian
    I always thought "Rubenesque" was more appropriate, but then, Rubens wasn't known for his mastery of metaphors.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      Married guy Pro Tip: Banish the word "Rubenesque" whenever your wife and a full length mirror are in the vicinity.

      1. emmelemm

        I'd rather be called Rubenesque than "fat fucking cow", but yeah, it's still probably a safe policy.

  4. horsedreamer_1

    Does Megz really need the money from that product-placement (strapless Juicy dress)?

  5. LabRodent

    "Naked Rich White Women" was my reply when asked in High school what I wanted to do when i grow up.

  6. DashboardBuddha

    I have to take Meg's side in this (although the headless chicken comment was priceless)…Beck is a douchebag. Seriously Glenn? Suggesting that the daughter of a true blue (albeit senile) American senator wear a burka?

  7. CapeClod

    Beck threw up because Megs being naked reminded him of the time where he killed that girl.

    1. Texan_Bulldog

      Totally chuckled, chortled and laughed out loud at that. But I thought that was Joe Scarborough?

      1. CapeClod

        I hadn't made that link before. So Beck killed her and dumped her body in Joe Scarborough's office!

        1. James Michael Curley

          Now folks, you don't understand the Florida Coronor's Report. Lori Klausutis fainted backward, hit her head on a credenza while alone in Joe's office, promptly stood up and fainted again hitting her head on the desk which explains why there were two trauma wonds on different sides of her head and blood an several pieces of funiture.

          Since the Coronor's report was so confusing, Jeb Bush seized it in 2002 and has zealously guarded us from the angst it would cause if we tried to read the final version.

    2. sezme

      Yes, and it also reminded him of that time he looked at himself in the mirror naked.

    3. WilliamHTaft

      Hey you lib douchebag, that's not fair. There was never a trial and he was never convicted of anything. That's a dirty trick designed to smear his image.

      Although, now that you mention it, it is kind of odd how the lamestream media is so silent on this issue, and so quick to dismiss the concerns of real americuh loving patriots who are just asking questions. And Glenn's never come out and just denied raping and killing that girl on that fateful day in 1990, has he?

  8. jeezycreezy77

    alternate alt text "don't get it in my eyes or hair!"

    make fun of Rubenesque Meg McCabe all you want, every single one of you would hit that.

    1. Arken

      No thanks. I prefer having sex with women who can string words together properly. It might not matter during, but it does before and after.

    2. ProgressiveInga

      Guilty as charged. And I'm a girl and do not have a history of chubby-chasin'. The dissonance is freaking me out a lil' bit.

    3. Native_of_SL_UT

      Your right.
      I would love to hit either one of them. Only in completely different ways for each. With tools.

      1. BaldarTFlagass

        Exactly. I'm so horny I'd fuck a snake. Hell, I'd fuck a pile of rocks if I thought there was a snake underneath it.

        1. DashboardBuddha

          Ok…I'm at work and I laughed deeply. But I didn't want to explain to my office mate why so I stifled it and blew out my eardrums. There's a lesson here, I think.

      2. SorosBot

        Now, some of us have standards. I wouldn't fuck most of the hideous hags that conservatives like to lie about and claim are hot, like Sarah Palin or Michele Bachmann, with Ann Coulter's dick.

    4. GOPCrusher

      I would hit it so hard, whoever pulled me out could be crowned King of England and rule from Camelot.

  9. Gorillionaire

    Just don't ever have a miscarriage, Meghan, or Beck will really make fun of you.

  10. SorosBot

    When is Glenn's canceled show supposed to finally end so that we can return to ignoring the crazed racist fat bile-spewer, anyway? We should have a countdown.

    1. zhubajie

      I predict it will be saved at the last minute. Or migrate to christian cable or something.

  11. Goonemeritus

    Can we just agree that in this case Glen is the dick?

    Now that I think about it this is true for every case.

    1. smitallica

      I hereby change the name of my prog-screamo-punk band to Zaftig and the Post-Neocon Strumpets. 100% fucking brilliant.

    2. prommie

      You know she would come over to the good side, if she could. Never underestimate the power of the expected inheritance, in controlling the behavior of the offspring of the wealthy. I know, I saw the original Arthur.

      1. riverside68

        In fact she could come to the good side. Just because she would lose her identity and risk loosing cash, family, and friends doesn't mean she doesn't have any choice. See Brock, David.

        Having a cat fight with Beck is a step in the right direction.

  12. Schmannnity

    Mormon versus Episcopalian humor. Kinda like Donnie and Marie versus George Plimpton: gut busting alert!

  13. WhatTheHeck

    I hear Glenn is hot in his magic underwear. No. I really mean he's hot because of the many layers of underwear. He's like an onion.

  14. HempDogbane

    "She seems to think her collarbone is just above her nipples." With the proper foundation garment, this will come true.

    1. AJW@[redacted]

      I think it already did, in that Andy Warhol mirror image thing she posted that one time.

    2. Ramon X

      Actually, in our favorite pic of her upside down reading Andy Warhol I believe her nipples were above her collarbone. Something to do with duct tape, as I recall.

  15. BaldarTFlagass

    "He pretended to vomit."

    Perhaps there's some deep-seated reason that the female form induces emesis in Mr Beck?

    1. emmelemm

      That was my first reaction too. OK, so there was a naked lady, and that made you "throw up"?? Either you're like, seven, or you're GAY.

  16. Hatrabbit

    "Meghan McCain’s body is practically Shakespearian " while Glenn Beck's body is Dr Seussian

  17. CapeClod

    Come on, Glenn. The gaunlet has been thrown down. Are you going to take that from a large, naked girl?

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      ♫ ♬ ♪ "Frosty the Snowwwman…" ♫ ♬ ♪

      (Sorry, just took down the Xmas tree yesterday.)

  18. SorosBot

    Also, fuck you again Glenn Beck for making us have to side Megs McCain again (though at least she's not bad for a Republican, and good on social issues).

    1. FakaktaSouth

      Of all the giRls he coulda messed with – Ms McCain is def the least bad. Her problem doesn't seem to be an underlying basic evil. Also, oh my GoD apparently nobody making fun of her for being fat has been to Target down here on a Tuesday morning.

  19. hagajim

    I think Megs probably misunderstood Mr. Beck's vomit comment….it was a metaphor for how many times he had little Glenn vomit as he whacked it….poor dude is raw now, even using the suntan lotion…..EWWWWWWW…sometimes I even make myself a little sick.

  20. undeterredbyreality

    1. The real story here is: Glenn Beck has daughters? If they are biological daughters, they're gonna have a lot more to worry about than their body images. Nobody will ever get past the face–and then the mind! aaaahhhh! Vomiting!

    2. I like Megs. At least when she's on Rachel she speaks her mind freely and seems open to ideas. Whether they ever stay in that mind of hers, I don't know, but she's not a lying piece of shit like every other public repugnantcunt.

    3. Yes, I'd hit it. (But I really always had the hots for Topanga.)

    1. FakaktaSouth

      One of Beck's girls has Cerebral Palsy, which I hope he says something about – like "How dare John McCain's fat daughter mention my daughter in a derogatory fashion." It would just ice the whole "why are people being so mean (when she didn't say anything mean) to us just because we are insufferable dicks" cake.

      I liked MM on Rachel too. She is almost exactly like most of the females I know that really don't know that much about politics either but still like to talk about issues.

  21. LouBristol

    In a slapfight I usually root for the one with the bigger boobs, so in this case it's "Go Glenn Beck!"

  22. Redhead

    Drug-addicted mental-asylum-escapee versus fat, delusional retard. Basically sums up the right wing right now.

  23. DaRooster

    "I thought that pretending to be naked (even if I only disrobed to my collar bone) would hopefully call attention to skin cancer…"
    I watched the clip while at work… three times… probably 'cuz I don't have sound here.
    And also… when I watched, you weren't "pretending" to be naked…

  24. SheriffRoscoe

    Ten minutes? Really? Acting like your vomiting for teh lulz just gets funnier with each passing minute, as any seven year-old boy would know.

  25. Gopherit

    Well, I mean. is anyone surprised that Beck is repulsed by the female body?

    Set those sweater-puppies free, Megs. We'll have your back….

    1. HuddledMass

      If this version of McCain had run in 2008 he might have won. So …. hooray? This seems wrong, I'm calling my ethicist.

  26. AJW@[redacted]

    That segment of her with Rachel at the NRA convention? I'd hit that Megs McCabe.

      1. Limeylizzie

        I think Megs wanted it to happen. Oh what straight woman doesn't want to have at it with Rachel Maddow?

  27. thefrontpage

    I've seen Meghan McCant naked, several times, at least 30 times, and it's nothing to celebrate.

  28. owhatever

    Now for our main event of the evening in the chicken fat, ketchup and mayo wrasslin' title match. Meggie McCain, almost America's princess once, is in a Juicy bikini. Her challenger is the abnormally shaped and unhinged Glenn Beck. Let the squishing begin.

  29. jeezycreezy77

    fuck michele bachmann (crazy bitches are good in bed), marry meg mccain (inheritance, duh), and lastly a toss-up between Palin and Coulter

  30. L188188

    "Meghan McCain", "Glen Beck" and "Naked Body" all in one headline?! That sealed it for me, I am READING this bitch.

    1. ChessieNefercat

      First sentence? Words right out of my mouth. Only my second sentence would have been, pleeease, no, don't ever do that again.

      However, I am willing to defer to all the people on here who think Megan is a doable armful of lovely. Carry on! Casabas for all!

      Also, too, it's nice to see the enthusiasm for Meggie's curves the day after all the disdain for Maria's bony self. Maybe not all guys are into anorexia?

  31. OldWiseWizard

    It boggles my mind that Meghan Mccain is constantly mocked by right wing pundits for being hideous when she's got those old school 50's va-va-voom Betty Grable curves that would make a Tex Avery wolf shoot his eyes out his head. All the while, they push their cadre of right wing "hotties" (Palin,Bachman,Coulter,Laura Ingraham),who look like bargain basement tranny hookers rendered by Nintendo 64 processing power complete with jagged polygonal edges and dead eyes, and view anyone who doesn't get hard/wet by the mere mention of their names as crazy people.

    This is of course all my fault for trying to make sense out of republican sexuality.

  32. ttommyunger

    Meh, two doughy pantloads. One has a pussy and the other is a pussy. Let them hiss and raise their hackles; it's what they do best.

  33. tessiee

    "As a person who is known for his hot body, you must find it easy to judge the weight fluctuations of others, especially young women."

    OH, SNAP!!

  34. crybabyboehner

    Close call but I'm going to go with Megs on this one, on account of her rack.

  35. tessiee

    Meghan may not be a rocket surgeon, but let's just be fair and admit that she's an attractive young woman.
    Even supposing that Glenn Beck liked women, who the hell is he trying to kid with the vomit jokes, like he's got a stable of supermodels or something, and his standards are that high? The only way he would get a good look at the naked body of someone like Meghan McCain would be in a whorehouse, and even then, he'd have to bring along a bushel basket of hundred dollar bills.

  36. BarackMyWorld

    Now, I'm not saying Glenn Back is gay, but isn't it interesting the thought of a 26 year-old big-breasted woman naked makes him physically ill?

    1. GOPCrusher

      My thoughts exactly. Although it probably hasn't occurred to what is left of his viewing public.
      They are probably more shocked that Megs would actually be seen in public with bare shoulders.

  37. chascates

    Her naked dad, along with naked friends Lieberman & Graham, would make a far more effective PSA. For a lot of causes.

  38. Tommmcattt

    Woe unto you, America! For your children starve, your infrastructure decays, your middle-class evaporates, and all the while you affix your mighty gaze upon this: a plump heiress and an even plumper has-been, involved in the moral equivalent of a playground slap-fight.

    I mean, seriously?

  39. El Pinche

    Glenn Beck only likes dead naked little girls. Let's not kid ourselves. We all know what happened in 1990.

  40. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    I'm sure that all Glenn was trying to say is that if Megs was a true conservative, she would be getting plastic surgery and moving to LA like Bristol.

  41. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    And I'm sure Bristol is an expert in vomiting. With her parents, probably her first memory is Mom and Dad heaving all over her.

  42. Tundra Grifter

    Is this really the best Glumm Bleek can come up with? To go after Meghan McCanns?

    He's so five minutes ago!

  43. DashboardBuddha

    In the meantime, it will make a great insult. "Rush is a short-tainted piece of shit".

  44. Tommmcattt

    Meghan McCain’s body is practically Shakespearian its meaning is so deep.

    From a purely pedagogic standpoint, I would have gone with "Falstaffian". Removes any doubt as to what you are trying to get across.

  45. DashboardBuddha

    "I'm so glad Glenn Beck is leaving Fox. Enough vitriol and hate. Glenn you are no rodeo clown. They are decent and nice. You aren't" – Cindy McCain

    Oh snap! I'm no fan of Cindy's, but nice job, mom! And now that I think of it, rodeo clowns are kinda cool when you consider what they do.

  46. GOPCrusher

    So Glenn Beck raped and murdered a girl that was lying dead in Joe Scarborough's office?

  47. pdiddycornchips

    I'm definitely team Meg. She may be dumb as a styrofoam cup but she's not evil. Beck is one evil MoFo. The whole thing brings to mind Sartre's play "No Exit". Sartre's version of hell is three extremely annoying people being forced to live all eternity together. The devil hardly makes an appearance.

  48. Limeylizzie

    As someone with a not dissimilar body to Meg , short, very bosomy and short-waisted I am completely on Meg's' side here, it is an unbelievably difficult body type to dress in a flattering way. You always look about 15 lbs heaver than you actually are and when the "style" of beautiful is tall, skinny and a size zero and you are short and top-heavy and a size 8-10 it can play havoc wth your self-esteem and the last thing you need is a jowly, pudgy , arrogant , unattractive man faking nausea over your body. I think she handled it really well, not sure that I wouldn't have been damn near suicidal over something that public and humiliating at her age . She seems bright, appealng and confident and I think she is terrific when she is with Rachel Maddow. On the plus side, we look much, much better naked than those bony-arsed types ,as MrLimeyLizzie will testify, he likes it so much that he has painted me nude multiple times, me nude-him in an artists smock, and the results are displayed proudly in our living-room So fuck you Glenn Beck, you sorry, pathetic little bastard, you will never know the true beauty and diversity of women's bodies.

    1. Fuck Toad

      I like Megs McCabe too, but she seems pretty ignorant for a 26-year-old. Such as still thinking the Republican party has something to offer young people who don't hate blacks and gays. And she should really wait a decade or so before trying to be a political prognosticator.

      1. Limeylizzie

        I was talking more about her as a woman than as a politician, I am sure she will eventually be a Democrat, how could she not be?

      1. BarackMyWorld

        You think YOU'RE surprised…hell, after reading that description, I was about to propose to her!

      2. Limeylizzie

        I would love to write porn! Full disclosure, I have recorded some erotica for recorded books/books on tape type stuff.

  49. MadBrahms

    Another great debate between two titans of feminism.

    I do have to give her props for the magnificent passive-aggression of "as a person known for his hot body", though.

  50. Limeylizzie

    There is something wrong with me, I read that as "despite having 17 kids and eating my bounteous meat". Well, congratulations?

  51. zhubajie

    I think I'd rather see Meghan McCain naked than Glenn Beck naked. Which do you think is a real blonde? Neither? Both?

  52. Warpde

    OK, How many of you horny bastards were looking for the full shot.
    Yeah. I thought so.
    Hey, as long as she doesn't try to strike up a conversation after……

  53. TheMeatmaker

    So it's OK for Meg? Because when I wander campuses and tell coeds how they should feel about their bodies, someone always calls the cops.

  54. TheSheriffsNear

    Baldar, you're in fine fettle on this thread. First the folksy "pile of rocks" post now this ridiculous pun. I normally hate puns but this was too clever.

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