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If you don't want to have sex with her, don't say anything at all.America, we are in a time of national crisis. The worst has happened: Glenn Beck tried to make some jokes about Meghan McCain, and in response, Meghan McCain tried to make some jokes about Glenn Beck. Beck, you see, thought that confusing PSA of Meghan McCain appearing naked on a rooftop with a collection of forgotten ’90s teen actresses was gross. Here was the king of the Jews’ joke: He pretended to vomit. And here was the rich people’s daughter’s response: “But the thing is, Glenn, I wasn’t really naked and I know the idea of me being naked caused you to vomit on your radio show for 10 minutes.” Ooh! She knows the idea! Great sentence! “By the way,” she writes later, “you should really see a doctor because it isn’t normal to vomit for that long.” Meghan McCain is a vomit connoisseur and will turn her nose up at anyone who doesn’t vomit her way.

A few months ago, I filmed a PSA for skin cancer awareness where I posed in a strapless Juicy dress to appear “naked,” as a metaphor for the dangers of going out in the sun without sunscreen. I thought that pretending to be naked (even if I only disrobed to my collar bone) would hopefully call attention to skin cancer, a disease that both my parents have suffered from.

Haha, somebody at that skin cancer place told Meghan McCain that all those ladies appearing naked wasn’t to draw media attention to the cause, it was a METAPHOR. Meghan McCain’s body is practically Shakespearian its meaning is so deep.

She doesn’t quite understand what a metaphor is, it would appear, but we don’t know why we think she would, considering she also doesn’t know what a collarbone is. She seems to think her collarbone is just above her nipples. Or does she think the collarbone shifts in one’s body to wherever the collar on one’s shirt is? Maybe she thinks “collar bone” is the polite online-magazine-journalist way of saying “boobs.”

As a person who is known for his hot body, you must find it easy to judge the weight fluctuations of others, especially young women. If any of your daughters are ever faced with some kind of criticism of their physical appearance or weight, they should call me, because women’s body image is another issue I feel passionate about, and have become accustomed to dealing with and speaking with young women about on my college tours.

We love the image of Meghan McCain wandering around college campuses, muttering out loud to nobody in particular about women’s body issues, as passing students try to avert their gaze from her. “I am the daughter of a man who ran for president, and I have a body, and I can have sexual intercourse!” she will scream, as campus security officers drag her away from the quad.

Anyway, thank you, Glenn Beck, for giving Meghan material for her monthly column “job.” If you didn’t, she would have probably tried to analyze politics again. [Daily Beast]

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