she performed it herself!

Bristol Palin’s Facelift Was ‘Necessary For Medical Reasons’

Just any every middle America teen girl.Sure, it seemed strange when we read famed Hollywood reproducer Bristol Palin was moving “to Los Angeles from Wasilla, Alaska” to live with two black people and will be “working” at “a job” for what will be the most fictional show in the history of American television, not the least because, as we are embarrased to know, she has been living in Arizona, not Alaska, for quite some time. But this is more odd: Bristol Palin had all the fat sucked out from underneath her face and suddenly has a new Jay Leno chin. This allowed her a chance to once again tap some food money from US Weekly, by denying the procedure was plastic surgery. The problem, she says, was that her snowbilly teeth were all screwed up and her jaw was about to rot off or something. Even better!

“Yes,” she admits, “It improved the way I look, but this surgery was necessary for medical reasons…so my jaw and teeth could properly realign…I don’t obsess over my face”

Still, “I am absolutely thrilled with the results,” she gushes. “I look older, more mature, and don’t have as much of a chubby little baby face!”

See, she doesn’t care what she looks like at all! The medicines just told her that her face was going to fall off, so they forced her to reengineer the skull God fucked up on when he was making her. But she loves how great she looks, even though she doesn’t care at all about how she looks!

Doctors had to liposuction her chin scrotum, of course. But they weren’t removing fat! That’s where all her teeth were. It makes a lot of sense.

Bristol Palin’s teen pregnancy was necessary for monetary reasons. [US Magazine]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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229 comments

    1. tessiee

      Then she was doing it wrong. The sucking motion should create hollows under the cheekbones.

    2. [redacted]hse

      "It wasn't so much lipo-suction, actually. Essentially it entailed removal of all the built-up bukkake smegma and plaque," according to hospital officials.

        1. BaldarTFlagass

          I'm not clicking that, because I'm pretty sure what it's about, and the idea behind that movie makes my genitalia retreat way up into my abdomen. Yikes!

    1. WunkRocker

      People, c'mon it is WasillaBillies we're a speakin' a bout. Obviously a case of Meth Mouth.

  1. horsedreamer_1

    Sorry, Bristlecone, but this isn't going to get you into Playboy. Only one Wasillabilly allowed per decade.

    1. YasserArraFeck

      Mom's saving that slot* for when the grifting wears thin.
      *every other slot is, however, open for business – as always

  2. SorosBot

    Lots of plastic surgery, that new face and living with two black guys – Bristol's becoming a Kardashian (sp?).

    1. freakishlywrong

      Only if she marries one. (Mama Grizzly methinks would NOT approve). Now that reality show I'd watch.

        1. horsedreamer_1

          The Simple Life meets The Price Is Right.

          Libertarian retard Drew Carey just cummed.

    2. Rosie_Scenario

      The new chin makes her more like Snooki, pre-tan. Bristol needs a tanning bed like Mama Grizz.

    3. DustBowlBlues

      Is that what her show is about? Bristol living with two black guys? Who gives a shit?

      Just another reality show I can add to the notches on my "I've never watched a reality show" belt.

      1. FannyBurney

        She's relocating from Wasilla to L.A? What happened to the house in Arizona/ Was it repossessed?

  3. GregComlish

    Baby, if your teeth are getting misaligned with your jaw then you're definitely doing it wrong.

    Also: Ouch.

  4. Badonkadonkette

    this surgery was necessary for medical reasons

    Real Americans lie to their health insurance companies. I mean, assuming they have health insurance.

  5. Buzz Feedback

    As we speak, the fat they sucked out of her face is being injected into some Arab dude's joint so he can have a bigger honker. CoExist.

  6. BaldarTFlagass

    "I don't obsess over my face."

    Maybe you should obsess over them thunder thighs, honey.

    1. NorthStarSpanx

      I think the trick is to NOT obsess over her thighs, then they'll magically disappear.

      And it's her abdomen that's more noticeable, if she'd quit getting pregnant, all that shit may finally settle in.

      1. horsedreamer_1

        Every morning there's a diaphragm hangin
        from the corner of my girlfriend's four post bed
        I know it's not mine but I'll see if I can use it for
        the weekend or a one-night stand
        Couldn't understand
        How to work it out
        Once again as predicted left my broken heart open
        and you ripped it out
        Something's got me reeling
        Stopped me from believing
        Turn me around again
        Said that we can do it
        You know I wanna do it again

    1. Gleem_McShineys

      (As someone pointed out earlier) perhaps the chin was "engineeringly necessary."

      They needed a larger area upon which to distribute the forward force from the testicles, which would otherwise dislodge or misalign the teeth.

  7. Lascauxcaveman

    In Bristol's defense, I think I should point out the habitual use of meth really *does* screw up your teeth, and eventually your jaw bones and facial bones, if you survive that long.

  8. BaldarTFlagass

    "her snowbilly teeth were all screwed up"

    Meth-mouth is a nation-wide problem. Maybe she can become a spokes-hole for that, too.

    Edit: Dangit, Caveman!

    1. SorosBot

      Could be the wrong word, or a comment on her "medically necessary" claim – either way works.

    1. baconzgood

      sHEz pURiTY.

      (Edit): Seriously dude, It's lunch time here for Baconz any you ruined my Chef Boyardee Beefaroni.

    2. mourningnmerica

      Nounverb, you fuck. That was really upsetting. And those gigantic pores…

  9. neiltheblaze

    I thought that double chin would go away once she moved to Arizona and didn't need the extra flab for warmth.

    1. fuflans

      i was just reading about maine coon cats (we think we might have one): rectangular core, huge rear and exaggerated tail for warmth and walking over snow.

      no idea if bristol has tufts in her toes and ears, but otherwise this sounds about right.

  10. CrankyLttlCamperette

    I …don’t have as much of a chubby little baby face!"

    But somewhere, you do have a chubby little baby, don't you?

    Or did you magically lose that too?

  11. donner_froh

    Lovely work by her surgeon. She was a relatively normal looking young woman–while by no means attractive she wasn't fearfully ugly.

    Now she looks like a genetic freak with a Hapsburg chin.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      The fat is gone, yet it's oddly wrong.

      She's what, nineteen years old? What a freakshow she'll be at forty.

      1. Moonbat

        Seriously. Who in the hell has plastic surgery before they're legally able to drink?

      2. Not_So_Much

        shit-sticks, I gotta stop reading from the bottom up — you already teed off on teh meths well ahead of this. I suck (but my teeth are great and my chin is all original!).

    2. Weenus299

      I can't wait to see the plastic surgery breakdown when she turns 30 and is a mere Wasilla Po-Po mugshot of her former self.

  12. GOPCrusher

    At what point will an IRS agent show up at her house to investigate where the funds came from to pay for this elective surgery? Or for her house?

    1. undeterredbyreality

      Hey, they're her hard-won earnings for being a non-profit post-partum virgin speechifier.

    2. berkeleyfarm

      I'm thinking more along the lines of an insurance auditor, if indeed Mini-Me billed insurance.

      1. finallyhappy

        hahaha, I know you are watching the Royal wedding highlights with Perez Hilton every evening

        1. SorosBot

          A man can dream of a world where all the members of that anachronistic family, like the Palins, were living in their deserved anonymity.

  13. RadioGroundZero

    And another thing: Because this was a medically necessary procedure, and not cosmetic, Obamacare is picking up the tab.

  14. Zvi_Bleindmeis

    The key to understanding the PR significance here is that unwritten fundamentalist law allows for extravagant cosmetic surgery on a healthy 20-year old in cases of rape, incest, and to protect the livelihood of the mother.

    1. NorthStarSpanx

      To which Sarah will joke on her next visit with the Alaska National Guard, "Oh Bristol, why the long face?"

  15. prommie

    Its amusing to think that someday, if she is lucky, she may aspire to the level of success and respect and position in society achieved by The Situation. But she's way way far from it, so far.

  16. Troubledog

    Where the fuck did she get insurance that covers maxillofacial reconstructive surgery?

  17. elviouslyqueer

    Bristol, honey, I've been talking to my dentist about having this same surgery. He advised me that I'm going to have to have my jaw wired shut for about a month or so. Pity your dentist didn't follow that same advice.

    1. Gopherit

      Exactly. I hear that one of the possible severe complications is severe TMJ where your jaw can lock up good and tight. I would have had my fingers crossed if I had known about her surgery.

    1. ProgressiveInga

      Right? I think she's going for that Maria Shriver Schwarzenegger look…on a Kirstie Alley frame. Not good.

    1. Ohforcripessake

      They wouldn't have to shoot it into her brain. They'd just drill a hole in her skull, place the fat nearby and let the vacuum suck it in.

    2. tessiee

      I'm still waiting for the one where they suck the fat out of your ass and inject it into your lips.

  18. Schmannnity

    Medically necessary = couldn't lay off the Moon Pies and chicken fried everything.

  19. V572..whatever

    “I am absolutely thrilled with the results,” she gushes. “I look older, more mature, and don’t have as much of a chubby little baby face!”

    Right. Now you look like a fag hag. The Full Zsa-Zsa should be easily obtainable with some peroxide.

  20. Worthly[♬♪♬♪♫♪♬]Skum

    Like her first marriage, a girl's first liposuction is very special. I just hope that Yucca Mountain Repository is up and running soon, or the country will drown the coming lipid tsunami.

  21. Gopherit

    This is such horse shit. I've known two people in the last 10 years who needed corrective overbite surgery. There were two things they both had in common. 1: neither came out of surgery with Jay Leno jaw and 2: they spent months…..MONTHS afterwards with corrective mouth gear and braces to make sure everything came out okay. I don't hate the Palins because they lie…….I hate them because they do it so badly. GO AWAY GO AWAY GO AWAY GO AWAY!!!!

    1. RadioGroundZero

      Great point gopherit, their lies are nothing more than insults to our intelligence. And also, GOAWAY, GO AWAY,GO AWAY!!1!

    2. FakaktaSouth

      The chick I knew with a misaligned jaw 1) actually had a noticeable cross bite pre-surgery and 2) spent 6 weeks with her mouth wired shut after they "aligned" it.

    3. tessiee

      Whether or not Whistle actually had jaw surgery to correct her bite (and I doubt it, but I don't know for sure), she has most certainly had a chin implant. Anyone who doesn't believe it should scroll down to the before and after profile pics until her new chin touches the bottom of the screen.

  22. RadioGroundZero

    I drink too much alcohol because of it's healthful, cardioprotective benefits — and just to be social. In no way would I drink for its tranquilizing, intoxicating effect.

    1. V572..whatever

      Red wine is full of healthy stuff I can't recall the name of right now — it's not triglycerides, I know that — and if a glass a day keeps you healthy, I'm so far ahead of the game I should live to be 130 easy.

        1. horsedreamer_1

          Franzia needs to do up the Wonkette page like Larry Flynt did for his Presidents sex book.

  23. SheriffRoscoe

    Oh my gosh, the things they can do with those procedures nowadays. Why, they made the old gal look months younger!

    1. comrad_darkness

      I think it was more that the lipstick on a pig comments were hitting too close to home.

  24. horsedreamer_1

    Obama would use his jackbooted thugs to tear down a potential rival & her family, yes.

  25. __kth__

    Years ago, the pretty lady who was the office manager at the law firm where I mopped the floors was in a terrible car accident and had to have some reconstructive surgery. But while they were at it, and as long as it was on the insurance company's tab, she figured she'd get a new and improved set of breasts. It's a safe bet that's the story with Bristol as well.

  26. zappadoo76

    She looks way better. This is not an endorsement of her moral character or mental abilities.

    1. anniegetyerfun

      Yeah, from a purely shallow standpoint (and there really isn't any other stand one can take with the Palins), she certainly look better.

    2. comrad_darkness

      Diet and exercise would have done 80% of the job. Nothing like taking the cheaters way out.

      1. MadBrahms

        How can you expect her to stay on a diet? The Palins have made quitting a family value.

  27. James Michael Curley

    Who paid for this? Sounds like the statement you give a medical insurer like the Alaska Native Claims Settlement Act based on Todd's claim of being one half Inuit.

    1. NorthStarSpanx

      Yup'ik. He's 1/8th Yup'ik Eskimo of the Bristol Bay Native Association. Their version of the Navajo Nation.

  28. JoshuaNorton

    Bristol Palin’s Facelift Was ‘Necessary For Medical Reasons’

    Yeah. The old one was making the rest of us sick.

  29. Terry

    Not only did she get the fat sucked from under her chin, she got a chin implant, too. Look at the length of her chin down from the bottom of her lower lip.

    Yeah, Bristol, fat sucking and an implant will make your jaw and teeth line up better.

  30. sportshort

    I bought a new flatscreen teevee because the old teevee was clogging my arteries. It had nothing to do with the improved definition and larger image. Which, by the way, I love even more now that my health has improved. From the non-clogged arteries.

    1. Mumbletypeg

      An investigation would turn up weapons of mandible construction… but no amount of digging will yield any connection drawn between this farcical facial and "medical necessity" of such urgency it was necessary to invade.

  31. MistaEko

    Yet another reason for Single Payer – stop companies that refuse poor people biannual physicals but subsidize grifters' plastic surgeries as medical necessities.

    1. SheriffRoscoe

      Oh we don't care. We're just a bunch of Peeping Toms, looking through the window of Bristol's soul.

  32. poncho_pilot

    we could only hope for some type of Ruby Ridge scenario. the militia people need a new national holiday.

  33. WIDTAP

    All the cool snowbillies get mandibular sagittal split osteotomies. The rest just get dentures.

    < /snark >
    I have had this surgery. I too lost a lot of weight when I was not able to stuff burgers in my wired (actually lots of rubber bands) shut mouth for a month and a half, nor drink lots of beer for fear that I would have to vomit through my nose.
    < snark >

    What is the over/under on the time it will take for her to refill the neck waddle?

  34. prommie

    I saw what you did there, Jack, "famed Hollywood reproducer," that was very clever. I like that, Hollywood "reproducer," he he he.

  35. DaSandman

    And now the little Miss Meth can unhinge her jaw like a carnival reptile and service the whole package.

    Better living thru technology

  36. prommie

    And to think, all of those people who are forced to use medical marijuana to deal with their various genuinely crippling ailments for which truly only marijuana offers relief, does their insurance cover their legitimate medical necessity? The injustice, I tells ya.

  37. DustBowlBlues

    I don't have the dough to have my eyes done, and this snowbilly bitch has plastic surgery? Fuck these fucking grifters.

    And fuck the Baptists. The felon who won the mayor's didn't get his pardon and now there's a rumor his wife will run. The fucking Baptists are going to get City Hall, one way or another. On the off-chance this town isn't just a pile of cord wood in a couple of years and we still have a school, I'm sure the school board is next.

    Fuck the Palins. Fuck the Republitards. (Yeah, I said it) and Fuck the Fucking Baptists.

  38. hagajim

    She had to have the surgery so she could take rails across the face without all the jizz getting stuck in her chin folds.

  39. DustBowlBlues

    I was wondering the same thing. The Palins don't seem to drag their kids out unless they need them as props. They're not as cute when they outgrow infancy, I guess.

  40. Steverino247

    I must compliment you Wonketteers today. The comments on this post are as funny as any i've read.

    And yes, the bitch is lying about this being medically necessary, etc.

    But, on the bright side, she's already given over her body to whatever some PR hack thinks it should look like, so we have many years of laughter (at her expense) ahead.

  41. fuflans

    on the plus side, i guess this means hollywood is now part of the "pro-America areas of this great nation".

  42. politics_nerd

    i was thinking of opting for a medically-necessary tummy tuck or blowjob at some point.

  43. comrad_darkness

    You seem especially angry today, Prommie. Not that I don't appreciate the ratcheting up of the humor (hatcheting up?) Just thought I'd mention it for your sake. Do something fun just for you.

  44. Fare la Volpe

    Just like all 6 of the Rosenstein girls at my school "needed" that rhinoplasty at age 16: it was medically necessary (for them to find husbands)!

  45. CrunchyKnee

    I wonder if they made some TRUCKNUTZ outta the leftover fat?

    And, what the hell is it with that cunt Sarah's family and not telling the truth about anything? Sheesh.

  46. ttommyunger

    While you're at it, Bristle; I have it on good authority that you can have your bush and taint lasered which will be good for the environment 'cause then Poncho won't have to take the weed-wacker to it every damn week.

      1. ttommyunger

        Poncho will not be pleased to hear that. He prefers a dusky butthole, you know….Just makes him feel more at home.

  47. Guppy06

    "I don’t obsess over my face"

    That would make her the fist teenager in the history of ever.

    Or a bald-faced liar. And considering her pedigree…

  48. smitallica

    While having my appendix out, I determined it was medically necessary to have my own unit replaced with a horse's cock.

    Looks like the apple hasn't fallen too far from the vain, lying cunt.

  49. Not_So_Much

    Well, she looks slightly less like a wadded up catchers mitt. But the words "lying twat" come to mind… It's darling how much she lernt from Mama Grizz. Truth sucks or is embarrassing? Just make some shit up! Yay!

  50. NorthStarSpanx

    Getting plastic surgery is no big deal, isn't even frowned upon – but for her to pull a Palin and snark on those that do get it and then LIE about getting it herself is worth attacking.

    1. tessiee

      Maybe now that she's spent all her abstinence money, she can now make big $$$ by being the spokesskank for not getting plastic surgery.

  51. MrFizzy

    Walking around with another dick or two in her mouth would've accomplished the same thing, and made someone else happy.

  52. SenileAgitation

    Poor Levi. Hit it when youthful hormones could override the horror. Now that her medical condition has been corrected and she is closer to attractive, it's strictly hands off, except to her new hulking Hottentot house mates (for TV). At least her inner scamming skank will forever remain intact.

  53. JustPixelz

    Good thing she got this done. I understand the Repubicans are going to outlaw all "medically necessary" treatments. Only "medically unnecessary" procedures will be allowed — like ultrasounds, listening to doctors read stuff from right-to-life groups, waiting in hotel rooms.

  54. Limeylizzie

    My doctor once said , apropros of nothing, that I could get a breast reduction and my insurance would cover it, I declined. Oh and she is still a puffy-face, lying, bloated , marginally attractive spawn of Alaskunt.

  55. Redhead

    Yeah, I had braces as a kid. It fixed my teeth so they aligned with each other.

    Though they never cured attentionwhoritis. That, I bet a facelift would cure. Or exacerbate. Either/or.

  56. DahBoner

    You flip two Hippocrates on the floor, put a board on top, and cover that with a batik and you got a nice TV stand…

  57. MarionNYNY

    Something like that happened to my grandmother. They had to do something about her drooping eyelids which is apparently a painful and life threatening condition. While they were they were "there" and had her "under" they discovered a general "loosening of the skin" and decided to take care of this before it caused more complications. Amazingly, medicare refused to pay for the procedure, but I'm sure once it's privatized that will no longer be an issue.

  58. Darklady

    My most favorite part of all of this is that while the average unwed/teen mom is desperately hoping she can get an appointment at the county health clinic, "I don't have a steady job" intentionally unwed teen mom Bristol is off getting her chin liposuctioned.

    I can not imagine what kind of jaw/tooth misalignment would require the kind of surgery she says she needed given how completely not different her jaw and teeth appear now compared to previously.

    My guess is that her jaw was as misaligned as her mother was pregnant with Trig.

  59. lochnessmonster

    You know the way Joan Rivers and/or Phyllis Diller look with the multiple face lifts? If she's starting this at age 20, will she look like Michael Jackson when she's 70? At least she didn't get Sarah Mama Grizzly Bear Lipstick on a Pitbull Palin's honker!

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      Phyllis Diller, at least, could laugh about it: "One more facelift and I'll have a goatee."

  60. Veritas78

    Wingers always want women to watch certain movies before having an abortion. Plastic surgeons should be required to have their patients watch "Brazil".

    1. tessiee

      The Palins are so goddamn dumb they have paintings in their attic that look great, while they themselves keep getting older.

  61. tessiee

    "stars as the Joker"

    Thereby breaking the hotly contested tie for the part between Laura Bush and Rachel Ray.

  62. PuckStopsHere

    Wah-rong. It's the union thugs who want all the cake. Or was it pie? Whatev. ALL THE DESSERT(s). WAKE UP, AMERICA!

  63. lulzmonger

    A fuck? Sorry, I gave at the office.

    Next time, might I suggest going up 6 inches & back in 5 or so? Take out the speech centers – & convince her Mama Grizzly it's the new kewl thang, so SHE needs hers out too.

    You're welcome, America.

  64. MadBrahms

    If being homely is a medical condition, medicaid spending is about to get a whole lot worse.

  65. Negropolis

    She may have made a legitimate case for a jaw alignment, but the chin was all cosmetic and everyone knows it. Why not just be honest about it? To continue to suspend the snark, I don't think she looked bad before, and she doesn't look bad afterwards, but the constant need to deny this stuff by celebrities kind of diminishes the work done.

    Her looks weren't ever her problem. Her problem is her general lack of a personality, and wearing her disinterest of life on her vacant face. And, what little bit of personality she has displayed has been ugly (i.e. her Facebook tirades). That's what makes her unattractive, on net.

    1. NorthStarSpanx

      "And, what little bit of personality she has displayed has been ugly (i.e. her Facebook tirades). That's what makes her unattractive, on net."

      She's got a prescription from Wonkette for that.

  66. GregComlish

    Sarah Palin derides basic diet and exercise advice as "big government at its worst". Three months later her teenage daughter is getting liposuction. Surprise Surprise.

    1. DahBoner

      Don't be silly. Big Gum'mint didn't pick up the tab.

      The Heritage Foundation or whatever RightwingTard idiot association did.

      That's Crony Capitalism….

  67. carolinaswamp

    Most of all, it was "medically necessary" so that her federal health insurance (Daddy claims benefits as a Native America, you can be sure his little girl does too) would pay for her vanity surgery. Are we Taxed-Enough-Already to pay for plastic surgery for Bristol Palin? Apparently yes.

Comments are closed.