SHE PERFORMED IT HERSELF!  12:15 pm May 11, 2011

Bristol Palin’s Facelift Was ‘Necessary For Medical Reasons’

by Jack Stuef

Just any every middle America teen girl.Sure, it seemed strange when we read famed Hollywood reproducer Bristol Palin was moving “to Los Angeles from Wasilla, Alaska” to live with two black people and will be “working” at “a job” for what will be the most fictional show in the history of American television, not the least because, as we are embarrased to know, she has been living in Arizona, not Alaska, for quite some time. But this is more odd: Bristol Palin had all the fat sucked out from underneath her face and suddenly has a new Jay Leno chin. This allowed her a chance to once again tap some food money from US Weekly, by denying the procedure was plastic surgery. The problem, she says, was that her snowbilly teeth were all screwed up and her jaw was about to rot off or something. Even better!

“Yes,” she admits, “It improved the way I look, but this surgery was necessary for medical reasons…so my jaw and teeth could properly realign…I don’t obsess over my face”

Still, “I am absolutely thrilled with the results,” she gushes. “I look older, more mature, and don’t have as much of a chubby little baby face!”

See, she doesn’t care what she looks like at all! The medicines just told her that her face was going to fall off, so they forced her to reengineer the skull God fucked up on when he was making her. But she loves how great she looks, even though she doesn’t care at all about how she looks!

Doctors had to liposuction her chin scrotum, of course. But they weren’t removing fat! That’s where all her teeth were. It makes a lot of sense.

Bristol Palin’s teen pregnancy was necessary for monetary reasons. [US Magazine]

 
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{ 229 comments }

mrblifil May 11, 2011 at 12:18 pm

Problem was the skin around her cheeks and jowls had become horribly stretched from the near constant knob gobbling.

elviouslyqueer May 11, 2011 at 12:22 pm

Now be nice. Those were Stretch Marks for Jesus, donchaknow?

GOPCrusher May 11, 2011 at 12:24 pm

But the new chin does make a more convenient spot to rest your testicles.

mrblifil May 11, 2011 at 12:25 pm

True. You're gonna be there a while. May as well get comfortable.

tessiee May 11, 2011 at 10:59 pm

Then she was doing it wrong. The sucking motion should create hollows under the cheekbones.

[redacted]hse May 12, 2011 at 12:19 am

"It wasn't so much lipo-suction, actually. Essentially it entailed removal of all the built-up bukkake smegma and plaque," according to hospital officials.

nounverb911 May 11, 2011 at 12:19 pm

While she was at did she get revirginized?

ThundercatHo May 11, 2011 at 12:34 pm

Did she have teeth "down there" too? No wonder Levi bailed.

nounverb911 May 11, 2011 at 12:36 pm

Yes! TEETH, The Movie.

BaldarTFlagass May 11, 2011 at 12:39 pm

I'm not clicking that, because I'm pretty sure what it's about, and the idea behind that movie makes my genitalia retreat way up into my abdomen. Yikes!

GeoffPeterson May 11, 2011 at 4:28 pm

Ah, the old vagina dentata. Well played.

Gratuitous World May 11, 2011 at 12:19 pm

god willing, someday we'll find a cure for "gulletitis."

WunkRocker May 11, 2011 at 1:35 pm

People, c'mon it is WasillaBillies we're a speakin' a bout. Obviously a case of Meth Mouth.

horsedreamer_1 May 11, 2011 at 12:19 pm

Sorry, Bristlecone, but this isn't going to get you into Playboy. Only one Wasillabilly allowed per decade.

YasserArraFeck May 11, 2011 at 12:54 pm

Mom's saving that slot* for when the grifting wears thin.
*every other slot is, however, open for business – as always

horsedreamer_1 May 11, 2011 at 1:25 pm

She'll have to wait 'til she's 54 or so, then. 'Cause Mercede got first.

SorosBot May 11, 2011 at 12:20 pm

Lots of plastic surgery, that new face and living with two black guys – Bristol's becoming a Kardashian (sp?).

freakishlywrong May 11, 2011 at 12:24 pm

Only if she marries one. (Mama Grizzly methinks would NOT approve). Now that reality show I'd watch.

SorosBot May 11, 2011 at 12:29 pm

"Keeping up with Bristol the white trashian".

horsedreamer_1 May 11, 2011 at 12:41 pm

The Simple Life meets The Price Is Right.

Libertarian retard Drew Carey just cummed.

Gopherit May 11, 2011 at 12:56 pm

She has the ass to prove it.

Rosie_Scenario May 11, 2011 at 12:57 pm

The new chin makes her more like Snooki, pre-tan. Bristol needs a tanning bed like Mama Grizz.

DustBowlBlues May 11, 2011 at 1:21 pm

Is that what her show is about? Bristol living with two black guys? Who gives a shit?

Just another reality show I can add to the notches on my "I've never watched a reality show" belt.

FannyBurney May 12, 2011 at 1:11 pm

She's relocating from Wasilla to L.A? What happened to the house in Arizona/ Was it repossessed?

GregComlish May 11, 2011 at 12:20 pm

Baby, if your teeth are getting misaligned with your jaw then you're definitely doing it wrong.

Also: Ouch.

freakishlywrong May 11, 2011 at 12:20 pm

Jesus Christ. Please. Go. Away.

Badonkadonkette May 11, 2011 at 12:20 pm

this surgery was necessary for medical reasons

Real Americans lie to their health insurance companies. I mean, assuming they have health insurance.

Boredw/Gravitas May 11, 2011 at 12:21 pm

Plastic surgery fail. Still looks like a hick grifter Palin to me.

Buzz Feedback May 11, 2011 at 12:21 pm

As we speak, the fat they sucked out of her face is being injected into some Arab dude's joint so he can have a bigger honker. CoExist.

blinky_twinkie May 11, 2011 at 12:47 pm

That's not change we can believe in…

crybabyboehner May 11, 2011 at 1:43 pm

and thus the Circle of Life (TM) is completed …

BaldarTFlagass May 11, 2011 at 12:21 pm

"I don't obsess over my face."

Maybe you should obsess over them thunder thighs, honey.

NorthStarSpanx May 11, 2011 at 2:35 pm

I think the trick is to NOT obsess over her thighs, then they'll magically disappear.

And it's her abdomen that's more noticeable, if she'd quit getting pregnant, all that shit may finally settle in.

Lucidamente1 May 11, 2011 at 12:21 pm

14:57, 14:58, 14:59 . . .

nounverb911 May 11, 2011 at 12:23 pm

Andy Warhol approves this message.

horsedreamer_1 May 11, 2011 at 12:43 pm

Every morning there's a diaphragm hangin
from the corner of my girlfriend's four post bed
I know it's not mine but I'll see if I can use it for
the weekend or a one-night stand
Couldn't understand
How to work it out
Once again as predicted left my broken heart open
and you ripped it out
Something's got me reeling
Stopped me from believing
Turn me around again
Said that we can do it
You know I wanna do it again

comrad_darkness May 11, 2011 at 1:42 pm

You optimist, you.

tessiee May 11, 2011 at 11:04 pm

Her fifteen minutes were over forty-five minutes ago.

DashboardBuddha May 11, 2011 at 12:21 pm

Who picks Jay Leno as a facial model?

Pragmatist2 May 11, 2011 at 1:26 pm

That would be Elephant Man.

Gleem_McShineys May 11, 2011 at 2:10 pm

(As someone pointed out earlier) perhaps the chin was "engineeringly necessary."

They needed a larger area upon which to distribute the forward force from the testicles, which would otherwise dislodge or misalign the teeth.

DashboardBuddha May 11, 2011 at 2:15 pm

Does this mean that Jay Leno also sucks cock? …or just sucks?

AutomaticPilot May 15, 2011 at 8:43 pm

both

bagofmice May 11, 2011 at 2:41 pm

Teabagging 102?

Ansnarkist May 11, 2011 at 7:22 pm

I'm with Coco.

memzilla May 11, 2011 at 12:21 pm

Wattle she do next?

BlueMonkeh May 11, 2011 at 1:02 pm

HAH!

DashboardBuddha May 11, 2011 at 1:04 pm

Well done

comrad_darkness May 11, 2011 at 1:41 pm

I bow to you.

blogslut May 11, 2011 at 2:52 pm

Today, you are my favorite Wonketteer.

OkieDokieDog May 11, 2011 at 12:22 pm

LEAF BRISTEL A LONE!!1!!! SHe MericaS SWeatharT!!

SnarkoMarx May 11, 2011 at 2:41 pm

Or maybe America's Sweathog.

DangerHelvetica May 11, 2011 at 12:23 pm

I'm sure her mom's boob job was for medical reasons too.

Bonzos_Bed_Time May 11, 2011 at 12:30 pm

To help her teeth alignment.

axmxz May 11, 2011 at 1:27 pm

To help her future children's teeth alignment.

arihaya May 11, 2011 at 4:07 pm

tits alignment ?

CapeClod May 11, 2011 at 1:17 pm

Where do you think they put the fat they sucked out of Bristol's face?

Lascauxcaveman May 11, 2011 at 12:23 pm

In Bristol's defense, I think I should point out the habitual use of meth really *does* screw up your teeth, and eventually your jaw bones and facial bones, if you survive that long.

BaldarTFlagass May 11, 2011 at 12:23 pm

"her snowbilly teeth were all screwed up"

Meth-mouth is a nation-wide problem. Maybe she can become a spokes-hole for that, too.

Edit: Dangit, Caveman!

Lascauxcaveman May 11, 2011 at 12:26 pm

Lol. Beat ya.

iburl May 11, 2011 at 12:23 pm

#NotIntendedToBeAFactualFace

slithytoves May 11, 2011 at 12:25 pm

Jack, Re: "Hippocrates" scribble – didn't you mean "hypocrite'?

Badonkadonkette May 11, 2011 at 12:26 pm

Hippo…something.

SorosBot May 11, 2011 at 12:31 pm

Could be the wrong word, or a comment on her "medically necessary" claim – either way works.

tessiee May 11, 2011 at 11:06 pm

As does either "wattle" or "waddle".

blinky_twinkie May 11, 2011 at 12:48 pm

Or he's referring to Bristle as a Hippocratic oaf.

iburl May 11, 2011 at 5:40 pm

Or a Hippoistic Arf?

nounverb911 May 11, 2011 at 12:25 pm

Speaking of plastic surgery failures.

Bonzos_Bed_Time May 11, 2011 at 12:31 pm

WTF!?!?!

baconzgood May 11, 2011 at 12:32 pm

sHEz pURiTY.

(Edit): Seriously dude, It's lunch time here for Baconz any you ruined my Chef Boyardee Beefaroni.

Weenus299 May 11, 2011 at 1:33 pm

That looks like Marlon Brando and Tina Turner crashed.

mourningnmerica May 11, 2011 at 5:09 pm

Nounverb, you fuck. That was really upsetting. And those gigantic pores…

neiltheblaze May 11, 2011 at 12:25 pm

I thought that double chin would go away once she moved to Arizona and didn't need the extra flab for warmth.

fuflans May 11, 2011 at 1:29 pm

i was just reading about maine coon cats (we think we might have one): rectangular core, huge rear and exaggerated tail for warmth and walking over snow.

no idea if bristol has tufts in her toes and ears, but otherwise this sounds about right.

CrankyLttlCamperette May 11, 2011 at 12:25 pm

I …don’t have as much of a chubby little baby face!"

But somewhere, you do have a chubby little baby, don't you?

Or did you magically lose that too?

techmom May 11, 2011 at 10:14 pm

Only one?

tessiee May 11, 2011 at 11:20 pm

With that ass, she's worried about her face?

Chillwaver May 11, 2011 at 12:26 pm

The brand new Brisket Palin Chin™

baconzgood May 11, 2011 at 12:46 pm

Pal(ch)in?

Weenus299 May 11, 2011 at 1:33 pm

All the Chins in Chinatown: "There goes the neighborhood."

DahBoner May 11, 2011 at 5:16 pm

Just ask for dah boob job, for short…

BeWoot May 11, 2011 at 12:27 pm

Wow, the surgery worked. All my contempt for her just evaporated!

donner_froh May 11, 2011 at 12:27 pm

Lovely work by her surgeon. She was a relatively normal looking young woman–while by no means attractive she wasn't fearfully ugly.

Now she looks like a genetic freak with a Hapsburg chin.

Lascauxcaveman May 11, 2011 at 12:52 pm

The fat is gone, yet it's oddly wrong.

She's what, nineteen years old? What a freakshow she'll be at forty.

Moonbat May 11, 2011 at 1:30 pm

Seriously. Who in the hell has plastic surgery before they're legally able to drink?

tessiee May 12, 2011 at 1:20 am

Vapid whores.
[see also Hilton, Paris]

Not_So_Much May 11, 2011 at 2:39 pm

It won't end well when the Meth takes her teefesuss.

Not_So_Much May 11, 2011 at 2:42 pm

shit-sticks, I gotta stop reading from the bottom up — you already teed off on teh meths well ahead of this. I suck (but my teeth are great and my chin is all original!).

Weenus299 May 11, 2011 at 1:35 pm

I can't wait to see the plastic surgery breakdown when she turns 30 and is a mere Wasilla Po-Po mugshot of her former self.

Jukesgrrl May 13, 2011 at 8:24 pm

Is Reese Witherspoon a Hapsburg?

GOPCrusher May 11, 2011 at 12:27 pm

At what point will an IRS agent show up at her house to investigate where the funds came from to pay for this elective surgery? Or for her house?

undeterredbyreality May 11, 2011 at 12:45 pm

Hey, they're her hard-won earnings for being a non-profit post-partum virgin speechifier.

berkeleyfarm May 11, 2011 at 9:49 pm

I'm thinking more along the lines of an insurance auditor, if indeed Mini-Me billed insurance.

carlgt1 May 11, 2011 at 12:27 pm

it was medically necessary to desperately try and look more like Kate Middleton?

SorosBot May 11, 2011 at 12:41 pm

Who?

carlgt1 May 11, 2011 at 12:44 pm

sorry, the Duchess of Cambridge

finallyhappy May 11, 2011 at 1:52 pm

hahaha, I know you are watching the Royal wedding highlights with Perez Hilton every evening

SorosBot May 11, 2011 at 2:03 pm

A man can dream of a world where all the members of that anachronistic family, like the Palins, were living in their deserved anonymity.

tessiee May 12, 2011 at 1:21 am

Hey, at least Kate Middleton's boyfriend actually married her.

SheriffRoscoe May 11, 2011 at 12:27 pm

Bristol wants to have her cake. And eat it, too.

RadioGroundZero May 11, 2011 at 12:28 pm

And another thing: Because this was a medically necessary procedure, and not cosmetic, Obamacare is picking up the tab.

BlueMonkeh May 11, 2011 at 1:12 pm

Where in the hell are the death panels when we need them?

mereoblivion May 11, 2011 at 12:29 pm

Her plastic surgeon: "Oh, chin TUCK–I thought you said . . . "

Zvi_Bleindmeis May 11, 2011 at 12:30 pm

The key to understanding the PR significance here is that unwritten fundamentalist law allows for extravagant cosmetic surgery on a healthy 20-year old in cases of rape, incest, and to protect the livelihood of the mother.

NorthStarSpanx May 11, 2011 at 2:39 pm

To which Sarah will joke on her next visit with the Alaska National Guard, "Oh Bristol, why the long face?"

prommie May 11, 2011 at 12:30 pm

Its amusing to think that someday, if she is lucky, she may aspire to the level of success and respect and position in society achieved by The Situation. But she's way way far from it, so far.

Not_So_Much May 11, 2011 at 2:37 pm

Why is a long-time Wonketteer like you pee-less?

BaldarTFlagass May 11, 2011 at 12:30 pm

Sam Lowry's mom approves!!!

Troubledog May 11, 2011 at 12:31 pm

Where the fuck did she get insurance that covers maxillofacial reconstructive surgery?

nounverb911 May 11, 2011 at 12:33 pm

Canada?

elviouslyqueer May 11, 2011 at 12:34 pm

Bristol, honey, I've been talking to my dentist about having this same surgery. He advised me that I'm going to have to have my jaw wired shut for about a month or so. Pity your dentist didn't follow that same advice.

Gopherit May 11, 2011 at 12:53 pm

Exactly. I hear that one of the possible severe complications is severe TMJ where your jaw can lock up good and tight. I would have had my fingers crossed if I had known about her surgery.

Poindexter718 May 11, 2011 at 12:34 pm

From baby face to hatchet face.

ProgressiveInga May 11, 2011 at 12:51 pm

Right? I think she's going for that Maria Shriver Schwarzenegger look…on a Kirstie Alley frame. Not good.

DashboardBuddha May 11, 2011 at 1:05 pm

and a dull hatchet at that

mavenmaven May 11, 2011 at 12:35 pm

When does she finally marry Donald Trump?

fuflans May 11, 2011 at 1:30 pm

trumps have way better taste than palins.

tessiee May 11, 2011 at 11:25 pm

She'd also be a little too old for his taste.

metamarcisf May 11, 2011 at 12:35 pm

So they sucked the fat out of her chin and shot it into her brain?

Ohforcripessake May 11, 2011 at 1:12 pm

They wouldn't have to shoot it into her brain. They'd just drill a hole in her skull, place the fat nearby and let the vacuum suck it in.

tessiee May 11, 2011 at 11:25 pm

I'm still waiting for the one where they suck the fat out of your ass and inject it into your lips.

poncho_pilot May 11, 2011 at 12:35 pm

Trogdor Clampett.

Schmannnity May 11, 2011 at 12:37 pm

Medically necessary = couldn't lay off the Moon Pies and chicken fried everything.

V572..whatever May 11, 2011 at 12:40 pm

“I am absolutely thrilled with the results,” she gushes. “I look older, more mature, and don’t have as much of a chubby little baby face!”

Right. Now you look like a fag hag. The Full Zsa-Zsa should be easily obtainable with some peroxide.

Worthly[♬♪♬♪♫♪♬]Skum May 11, 2011 at 12:42 pm

Like her first marriage, a girl's first liposuction is very special. I just hope that Yucca Mountain Repository is up and running soon, or the country will drown the coming lipid tsunami.

BaldarTFlagass May 11, 2011 at 12:46 pm

The Tyler Durdens of this nation will love it, though.

Gopherit May 11, 2011 at 12:43 pm

This is such horse shit. I've known two people in the last 10 years who needed corrective overbite surgery. There were two things they both had in common. 1: neither came out of surgery with Jay Leno jaw and 2: they spent months…..MONTHS afterwards with corrective mouth gear and braces to make sure everything came out okay. I don't hate the Palins because they lie…….I hate them because they do it so badly. GO AWAY GO AWAY GO AWAY GO AWAY!!!!

RadioGroundZero May 11, 2011 at 12:49 pm

Great point gopherit, their lies are nothing more than insults to our intelligence. And also, GOAWAY, GO AWAY,GO AWAY!!1!

FakaktaSouth May 11, 2011 at 12:54 pm

The chick I knew with a misaligned jaw 1) actually had a noticeable cross bite pre-surgery and 2) spent 6 weeks with her mouth wired shut after they "aligned" it.

tessiee May 11, 2011 at 11:28 pm

Whether or not Whistle actually had jaw surgery to correct her bite (and I doubt it, but I don't know for sure), she has most certainly had a chin implant. Anyone who doesn't believe it should scroll down to the before and after profile pics until her new chin touches the bottom of the screen.

RadioGroundZero May 11, 2011 at 12:43 pm

I drink too much alcohol because of it's healthful, cardioprotective benefits — and just to be social. In no way would I drink for its tranquilizing, intoxicating effect.

V572..whatever May 11, 2011 at 12:50 pm

Red wine is full of healthy stuff I can't recall the name of right now — it's not triglycerides, I know that — and if a glass a day keeps you healthy, I'm so far ahead of the game I should live to be 130 easy.

baconzgood May 11, 2011 at 12:52 pm

By "glass" you mean box right?

horsedreamer_1 May 11, 2011 at 1:29 pm

Franzia needs to do up the Wonkette page like Larry Flynt did for his Presidents sex book.

Moonbat May 11, 2011 at 1:33 pm

Bottles are made of glass…

SheriffRoscoe May 11, 2011 at 12:44 pm

Oh my gosh, the things they can do with those procedures nowadays. Why, they made the old gal look months younger!

comrad_darkness May 11, 2011 at 1:35 pm

I think it was more that the lipstick on a pig comments were hitting too close to home.

GuanoFaucet May 11, 2011 at 12:44 pm

Keep your chin up, Bristol.

YasserArraFeck May 11, 2011 at 1:01 pm

Feel free to use scaffolding if necessary

horsedreamer_1 May 11, 2011 at 12:45 pm

Obama would use his jackbooted thugs to tear down a potential rival & her family, yes.

__kth__ May 11, 2011 at 12:46 pm

Years ago, the pretty lady who was the office manager at the law firm where I mopped the floors was in a terrible car accident and had to have some reconstructive surgery. But while they were at it, and as long as it was on the insurance company's tab, she figured she'd get a new and improved set of breasts. It's a safe bet that's the story with Bristol as well.

zappadoo76 May 11, 2011 at 12:46 pm

She looks way better. This is not an endorsement of her moral character or mental abilities.

anniegetyerfun May 11, 2011 at 2:38 pm

Yeah, from a purely shallow standpoint (and there really isn't any other stand one can take with the Palins), she certainly look better.

comrad_darkness May 11, 2011 at 4:17 pm

Diet and exercise would have done 80% of the job. Nothing like taking the cheaters way out.

MadBrahms May 12, 2011 at 3:07 am

How can you expect her to stay on a diet? The Palins have made quitting a family value.

baconzgood May 11, 2011 at 12:48 pm

Yeah….I got a "chubby" for your face right here bitch.

James Michael Curley May 11, 2011 at 12:49 pm

Who paid for this? Sounds like the statement you give a medical insurer like the Alaska Native Claims Settlement Act based on Todd's claim of being one half Inuit.

NorthStarSpanx May 11, 2011 at 2:43 pm

Yup'ik. He's 1/8th Yup'ik Eskimo of the Bristol Bay Native Association. Their version of the Navajo Nation.

JoshuaNorton May 11, 2011 at 12:51 pm

Bristol Palin’s Facelift Was ‘Necessary For Medical Reasons’

Yeah. The old one was making the rest of us sick.

Terry May 11, 2011 at 12:52 pm

Not only did she get the fat sucked from under her chin, she got a chin implant, too. Look at the length of her chin down from the bottom of her lower lip.

Yeah, Bristol, fat sucking and an implant will make your jaw and teeth line up better.

sportshort May 11, 2011 at 12:53 pm

I bought a new flatscreen teevee because the old teevee was clogging my arteries. It had nothing to do with the improved definition and larger image. Which, by the way, I love even more now that my health has improved. From the non-clogged arteries.

simplyblue7 May 11, 2011 at 12:54 pm

About as believable as the reason why we invaded Iraq.

Mumbletypeg May 11, 2011 at 1:46 pm

An investigation would turn up weapons of mandible construction… but no amount of digging will yield any connection drawn between this farcical facial and "medical necessity" of such urgency it was necessary to invade.

MistaEko May 11, 2011 at 12:57 pm

Yet another reason for Single Payer – stop companies that refuse poor people biannual physicals but subsidize grifters' plastic surgeries as medical necessities.

Buckminster May 11, 2011 at 1:01 pm

Who the fark cares?

SheriffRoscoe May 11, 2011 at 1:04 pm

Oh we don't care. We're just a bunch of Peeping Toms, looking through the window of Bristol's soul.

poncho_pilot May 11, 2011 at 1:03 pm

we could only hope for some type of Ruby Ridge scenario. the militia people need a new national holiday.

El Pinche May 11, 2011 at 1:05 pm

Sarah can now see Russia on Bristol's new chin

WIDTAP May 11, 2011 at 1:09 pm

All the cool snowbillies get mandibular sagittal split osteotomies. The rest just get dentures.

< /snark >
I have had this surgery. I too lost a lot of weight when I was not able to stuff burgers in my wired (actually lots of rubber bands) shut mouth for a month and a half, nor drink lots of beer for fear that I would have to vomit through my nose.
< snark >

What is the over/under on the time it will take for her to refill the neck waddle?

prommie May 11, 2011 at 1:09 pm

I saw what you did there, Jack, "famed Hollywood reproducer," that was very clever. I like that, Hollywood "reproducer," he he he.

DaSandman May 11, 2011 at 1:10 pm

And now the little Miss Meth can unhinge her jaw like a carnival reptile and service the whole package.

Better living thru technology

prommie May 11, 2011 at 1:10 pm

And to think, all of those people who are forced to use medical marijuana to deal with their various genuinely crippling ailments for which truly only marijuana offers relief, does their insurance cover their legitimate medical necessity? The injustice, I tells ya.

owhatever May 11, 2011 at 1:12 pm

Levi laughs.

Ohforcripessake May 11, 2011 at 1:15 pm

I'm sorry but I'm going to need to see the long-form medical certificate.

x111e7thst May 11, 2011 at 1:17 pm

Too much meth will make your teeth fall out. So there is that.

DustBowlBlues May 11, 2011 at 1:17 pm

I don't have the dough to have my eyes done, and this snowbilly bitch has plastic surgery? Fuck these fucking grifters.

And fuck the Baptists. The felon who won the mayor's didn't get his pardon and now there's a rumor his wife will run. The fucking Baptists are going to get City Hall, one way or another. On the off-chance this town isn't just a pile of cord wood in a couple of years and we still have a school, I'm sure the school board is next.

Fuck the Palins. Fuck the Republitards. (Yeah, I said it) and Fuck the Fucking Baptists.

unclejeems May 11, 2011 at 2:09 pm

As a graduate of two Baptist universities, I second that last motion.

trampndirtdown May 11, 2011 at 3:40 pm

Sic em DBB!

BaldarTFlagass May 11, 2011 at 1:23 pm

STFU, faggots!!!

hagajim May 11, 2011 at 1:26 pm

She had to have the surgery so she could take rails across the face without all the jizz getting stuck in her chin folds.

GeneralLerong May 11, 2011 at 1:28 pm

Just a Snooki wannabe.

DustBowlBlues May 11, 2011 at 1:28 pm

I was wondering the same thing. The Palins don't seem to drag their kids out unless they need them as props. They're not as cute when they outgrow infancy, I guess.

Steverino247 May 11, 2011 at 1:29 pm

I must compliment you Wonketteers today. The comments on this post are as funny as any i've read.

And yes, the bitch is lying about this being medically necessary, etc.

But, on the bright side, she's already given over her body to whatever some PR hack thinks it should look like, so we have many years of laughter (at her expense) ahead.

comrad_darkness May 11, 2011 at 1:35 pm

The sad thing is, these really are Real Americans(T)

FannyBurney May 11, 2011 at 1:35 pm

Lipid Libel.

fuflans May 11, 2011 at 1:36 pm

on the plus side, i guess this means hollywood is now part of the "pro-America areas of this great nation".

comrad_darkness May 11, 2011 at 1:37 pm

But, did she bill Medicare for it?

politics_nerd May 11, 2011 at 1:37 pm

i was thinking of opting for a medically-necessary tummy tuck or blowjob at some point.

comrad_darkness May 11, 2011 at 1:39 pm

You seem especially angry today, Prommie. Not that I don't appreciate the ratcheting up of the humor (hatcheting up?) Just thought I'd mention it for your sake. Do something fun just for you.

prommie May 11, 2011 at 3:39 pm

Today yes, I am the Angriest Dog in the World.

PuckStopsHere May 12, 2011 at 1:25 am

Well, way to bring it home!

Fare la Volpe May 11, 2011 at 1:41 pm

Just like all 6 of the Rosenstein girls at my school "needed" that rhinoplasty at age 16: it was medically necessary (for them to find husbands)!

tessiee May 12, 2011 at 1:27 am

Big noses are the result of an accident…
of cruel genetic fate.

CrunchyKnee May 11, 2011 at 1:43 pm

I wonder if they made some TRUCKNUTZ outta the leftover fat?

And, what the hell is it with that cunt Sarah's family and not telling the truth about anything? Sheesh.

chascates May 11, 2011 at 1:45 pm

Now she just needs a pair of glasses so she'll appear intelligent.

DaRooster May 11, 2011 at 1:59 pm

I bet it'll be easier to rest BALLS on now.

ttommyunger May 11, 2011 at 2:09 pm

While you're at it, Bristle; I have it on good authority that you can have your bush and taint lasered which will be good for the environment 'cause then Poncho won't have to take the weed-wacker to it every damn week.

tessiee May 12, 2011 at 1:31 am

The problem is that if she had that done, it would become medically necessary to have her butthole bleached.
No, I am not kidding. I wish I were:
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20060

ttommyunger May 12, 2011 at 2:56 pm

Poncho will not be pleased to hear that. He prefers a dusky butthole, you know….Just makes him feel more at home.

Fox n Fiends May 11, 2011 at 2:09 pm

i can't wait until she hosts her own Fox News show.

Guppy06 May 11, 2011 at 2:19 pm

"I don’t obsess over my face"

That would make her the fist teenager in the history of ever.

Or a bald-faced liar. And considering her pedigree…

smitallica May 11, 2011 at 2:19 pm

While having my appendix out, I determined it was medically necessary to have my own unit replaced with a horse's cock.

Looks like the apple hasn't fallen too far from the vain, lying cunt.

DerrickWildcat May 11, 2011 at 2:22 pm

Can's wait to read her new Face Diet book.

Not_So_Much May 11, 2011 at 2:33 pm

Well, she looks slightly less like a wadded up catchers mitt. But the words "lying twat" come to mind… It's darling how much she lernt from Mama Grizz. Truth sucks or is embarrassing? Just make some shit up! Yay!

NorthStarSpanx May 11, 2011 at 2:47 pm

Getting plastic surgery is no big deal, isn't even frowned upon – but for her to pull a Palin and snark on those that do get it and then LIE about getting it herself is worth attacking.

tessiee May 12, 2011 at 1:32 am

Maybe now that she's spent all her abstinence money, she can now make big $$$ by being the spokesskank for not getting plastic surgery.

TheMightyHaltor May 11, 2011 at 3:09 pm

"I swear I didn't have plastic surgery! I paid cash!"

MrFizzy May 11, 2011 at 3:31 pm

Walking around with another dick or two in her mouth would've accomplished the same thing, and made someone else happy.

trampndirtdown May 11, 2011 at 3:36 pm

Medically necessary…. did it stop the fat hog snoring syndrome?

FannyBurney May 11, 2011 at 3:40 pm

Plastic surgery canard.

SenileAgitation May 11, 2011 at 3:49 pm

Poor Levi. Hit it when youthful hormones could override the horror. Now that her medical condition has been corrected and she is closer to attractive, it's strictly hands off, except to her new hulking Hottentot house mates (for TV). At least her inner scamming skank will forever remain intact.

JustPixelz May 11, 2011 at 3:51 pm

Good thing she got this done. I understand the Repubicans are going to outlaw all "medically necessary" treatments. Only "medically unnecessary" procedures will be allowed — like ultrasounds, listening to doctors read stuff from right-to-life groups, waiting in hotel rooms.

Limeylizzie May 11, 2011 at 3:51 pm

My doctor once said , apropros of nothing, that I could get a breast reduction and my insurance would cover it, I declined. Oh and she is still a puffy-face, lying, bloated , marginally attractive spawn of Alaskunt.

[redacted]hse May 11, 2011 at 6:56 pm

That's no way to talk about your doctor, Tits.

Redhead May 11, 2011 at 4:28 pm

Yeah, I had braces as a kid. It fixed my teeth so they aligned with each other.

Though they never cured attentionwhoritis. That, I bet a facelift would cure. Or exacerbate. Either/or.

smrtmnky May 11, 2011 at 4:40 pm

it'll be the best show on SyFy

dahboner May 11, 2011 at 5:08 pm

Lair?

DahBoner May 11, 2011 at 5:11 pm

You flip two Hippocrates on the floor, put a board on top, and cover that with a batik and you got a nice TV stand…

MarionNYNY May 11, 2011 at 5:45 pm

Something like that happened to my grandmother. They had to do something about her drooping eyelids which is apparently a painful and life threatening condition. While they were they were "there" and had her "under" they discovered a general "loosening of the skin" and decided to take care of this before it caused more complications. Amazingly, medicare refused to pay for the procedure, but I'm sure once it's privatized that will no longer be an issue.

Darklady May 11, 2011 at 6:01 pm

My most favorite part of all of this is that while the average unwed/teen mom is desperately hoping she can get an appointment at the county health clinic, "I don't have a steady job" intentionally unwed teen mom Bristol is off getting her chin liposuctioned.

I can not imagine what kind of jaw/tooth misalignment would require the kind of surgery she says she needed given how completely not different her jaw and teeth appear now compared to previously.

My guess is that her jaw was as misaligned as her mother was pregnant with Trig.

Biel_ze_Bubba May 21, 2011 at 7:39 am

It got mis-aligned moments after her dad found out she was preggers.

lochnessmonster May 11, 2011 at 6:23 pm

You know the way Joan Rivers and/or Phyllis Diller look with the multiple face lifts? If she's starting this at age 20, will she look like Michael Jackson when she's 70? At least she didn't get Sarah Mama Grizzly Bear Lipstick on a Pitbull Palin's honker!

Biel_ze_Bubba May 21, 2011 at 7:37 am

Phyllis Diller, at least, could laugh about it: "One more facelift and I'll have a goatee."

Warpde May 11, 2011 at 6:47 pm

Oppps, Hey Brist, they missed a spot.

Veritas78 May 11, 2011 at 6:53 pm

Wingers always want women to watch certain movies before having an abortion. Plastic surgeons should be required to have their patients watch "Brazil".

Jerri May 11, 2011 at 8:53 pm

She doesn't look a day over 42.

BZ1 May 11, 2011 at 10:57 pm

Is there a Dorion Gray painting somewhere in the attic?

tessiee May 12, 2011 at 1:35 am

The Palins are so goddamn dumb they have paintings in their attic that look great, while they themselves keep getting older.

tessiee May 12, 2011 at 1:26 am

"stars as the Joker"

Thereby breaking the hotly contested tie for the part between Laura Bush and Rachel Ray.

PuckStopsHere May 12, 2011 at 1:27 am

Wah-rong. It's the union thugs who want all the cake. Or was it pie? Whatev. ALL THE DESSERT(s). WAKE UP, AMERICA!

lulzmonger May 12, 2011 at 1:52 am

A fuck? Sorry, I gave at the office.

Next time, might I suggest going up 6 inches & back in 5 or so? Take out the speech centers – & convince her Mama Grizzly it's the new kewl thang, so SHE needs hers out too.

You're welcome, America.

DahBoner May 12, 2011 at 10:55 pm

Surely they have a surplus of ice picks just laying around in Alaska?

MadBrahms May 12, 2011 at 3:06 am

If being homely is a medical condition, medicaid spending is about to get a whole lot worse.

Negropolis May 12, 2011 at 4:46 am

She may have made a legitimate case for a jaw alignment, but the chin was all cosmetic and everyone knows it. Why not just be honest about it? To continue to suspend the snark, I don't think she looked bad before, and she doesn't look bad afterwards, but the constant need to deny this stuff by celebrities kind of diminishes the work done.

Her looks weren't ever her problem. Her problem is her general lack of a personality, and wearing her disinterest of life on her vacant face. And, what little bit of personality she has displayed has been ugly (i.e. her Facebook tirades). That's what makes her unattractive, on net.

NorthStarSpanx May 12, 2011 at 9:38 am

"And, what little bit of personality she has displayed has been ugly (i.e. her Facebook tirades). That's what makes her unattractive, on net."

She's got a prescription from Wonkette for that.

GregComlish May 12, 2011 at 9:14 am

Sarah Palin derides basic diet and exercise advice as "big government at its worst". Three months later her teenage daughter is getting liposuction. Surprise Surprise.

DahBoner May 12, 2011 at 11:00 pm

Don't be silly. Big Gum'mint didn't pick up the tab.

The Heritage Foundation or whatever RightwingTard idiot association did.

That's Crony Capitalism….

Rowdy5000 May 12, 2011 at 4:27 pm

Head still big.

carolinaswamp May 13, 2011 at 5:20 pm

Most of all, it was "medically necessary" so that her federal health insurance (Daddy claims benefits as a Native America, you can be sure his little girl does too) would pay for her vanity surgery. Are we Taxed-Enough-Already to pay for plastic surgery for Bristol Palin? Apparently yes.

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