GROSS THINGS TO EAT  1:37 pm May 11, 2011

Delicious Recipes From Ancient American Congressional Wives

by Ken Layne

How many things can you make with bribes and gay hookers?Most Americans today completely ignore politics and Congress, and most of those who follow the stuff very intensely are, you know, insane, and the only “congressional recipe” America’s Abused Liberals know about is the Larry Craig “super tuber,” which is a wiener forced inside a hole cored in a potato, again and again, until both the wiener and the potato are spent. WE FEEL YOUR DOUBT SO GO NOW AND LOOK AT THIS, THEN COME BACK. There. Do you feel better? Of course you don’t. Let’s talk about History instead — the history of Congressional Cookbooks of Olden Times When Blacks Were Still Legally Prevented From Voting In Most States and World War I veterans were smashed and beaten in the streets of Washington by active-duty troops led by MacArthur and Eisenhower. You know, 1933! The last Great Depression!

Our pretend-friends at The Hairpin came across this delightful recipe book of terrible food items allegedly prepared by the vacant-eyed wives of congressmen and senators. (The food was really prepared by black house-servants, who must’ve been appalled by this scary white people food free of spice or seasoning.) Each recipe is gross! So gross, in fact, that we cannot quote them here. Instead, we will make up our own versions based on the titles of the individual recipes. (You can read the real ones at The Hairpin.)

  • EGG LEMONADE:
    Take several plastic jugs of whatever corn syrup/citric acid “lemonade” is sold in the congressional cafeteria these days. Masturbate furiously into the bottles while thinking of killing Arabs and sucking off a cop. Remember not to pay for the lemonade! (A staffer can take care of that, or you can just tell your staffers to “write an omnibus bill” making it illegal for anyone to complain about you stealing stuff, and then you can include whatever billions of dollars in corporate welfare the Koch Brothers demanded with their last gift basket.) Serves yourself.
  • GRANDMOTHER’S INDIAN PUDDING:
    Kill several million Native Americans and tell a bunch of hideous lies to the rest. Then, when you’re caught with a gambling addiction at a local Indian Casino, have your staffers write a “budget plan” that makes it illegal to be Native American. Masturbate into some pudding at the congressional cafeteria. Serves you right.
  • YUM-YUM GEMS:
    Make your staffers write a “declaration of solidarity” with white-ruled South Africa, in the 1980s, and then take one of diamond necklaces you got as a bribe and give that to the boy you call from the telephone service at night. Serves the servants.

Well, that’s all the time we have for whatever this was, today! See you again on the next episode of “Famous Congressional Recipes.” [The Hairpin]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 130 comments }

nounverb911 May 11, 2011 at 1:39 pm

Soylent Green sounds tastier than those recipes.

Weenus299 May 11, 2011 at 1:39 pm

No thanks, I prefer my Indian grandmothers in pie.

OneDollarJuana May 11, 2011 at 2:56 pm

I prefer my Indian grandmother's pie. ; )

WIDTAP May 11, 2011 at 1:42 pm

"It's a Cookbook!"

memzilla May 11, 2011 at 1:42 pm

To Serve Man. ("It's a Koch book!")

CrankyLttlCamperette May 11, 2011 at 2:16 pm

Puh-lease. The only men those two are serving are themselves.

Weenus299 May 11, 2011 at 1:43 pm

"Believe it or Not Salad"

Place lettuce on a plate, a banana to garnish, then surprise a young boy forced into prostitution on the streets around the Capitol and remove his face. Place face on plate, salt and pepper to taste.

SexySmurf May 11, 2011 at 1:43 pm

Where's Cindy McCain's recipe for "Old-fashion Vicodin Brownies?"

Schmannnity May 11, 2011 at 1:45 pm

Right after the Oxycontin Ox Tails.

memzilla May 11, 2011 at 1:53 pm

And the Prozacasserole.

ejcsanfran May 11, 2011 at 2:25 pm

John McCain still prefers his mother's Laudanum Trifle.

mog253 May 11, 2011 at 3:26 pm

Only if it's made with Lydia Pinkham's, the original lady's relief tonic.

BaldarTFlagass May 11, 2011 at 1:44 pm

Finally, a Ken post that doesn't make me feel like swerving my vehicle across the median into the path of an oncoming tanker truck.

V572..whatever May 11, 2011 at 1:44 pm

Ken: get a grip, man. The key word is "humor," and we're not talking black bile, yellow bile, blood or phlegm.

user-of-owls May 11, 2011 at 1:48 pm

I think your humors are out of balance. Try leeches, they work wonders.

memzilla May 11, 2011 at 1:52 pm

Bile be seeing you… in all the old familiar places…

OkieDokieDog May 11, 2011 at 1:44 pm

It's not real Murika food if it's not covered in Kraft's processed cheeze foodstuff.

Weenus299 May 11, 2011 at 1:45 pm

with penises.

spudgun May 11, 2011 at 6:57 pm

Dontcha mean Oscar Mayer Little Smokies?

WhatTheHeck May 11, 2011 at 1:45 pm

You can tell a republican shopping in a supermarket by how long they hang out at the cucumbers and Italian squash aisles.

JustPixelz May 11, 2011 at 3:45 pm

Same rule for women married to Repubicans.

ProgressiveInga May 11, 2011 at 1:45 pm

I couldn't find Barney Frank's husband's favorite national and international recipe.

Schmannnity May 11, 2011 at 1:46 pm

Hidden sausage pie?

LabRodent May 11, 2011 at 1:50 pm

NO pie!

Grief_Lessons May 11, 2011 at 1:45 pm

)

Sorry, I was distracted waiting for the closing braket after the opening bracket in the Egg lemonade recipe.

user-of-owls May 11, 2011 at 1:48 pm

Thanks. We all needed closure.

Grief_Lessons May 11, 2011 at 2:06 pm

Ooops, now it's there. I look like an asshole. More of an asshole.

mog253 May 11, 2011 at 3:28 pm

It's okay, that way you mix right in with the rest of us!

x111e7thst May 11, 2011 at 1:45 pm

If I were a Congress person I would demand that my staff do my masturbating in the pudding for me.

Mumbletypeg May 11, 2011 at 1:55 pm

Nonsense. Why let them have all the funk?

bumfug May 11, 2011 at 1:45 pm

John Ensign's Naughty Dessert:
(1) Steal your friend's pie.
(2) Eat it.
(3) When he finds out and gets pissed, have your mom pay him way more than it was worth.

CrankyLttlCamperette May 11, 2011 at 1:57 pm

Actually, according to the 1998 edition (yeah, I collect odd cookbooks) John Ensign's recipe was for "Champagne Salad." Boehner's was a chili recipe and Gary Condit's was for "Chocolate Tart."

I couldn't make this up.

user-of-owls May 11, 2011 at 1:46 pm

From now on, whenever I see a vacant-eyed wife of a congressman and or senator, I'm gonna shout, "What a dish!"

Sophist [غني عن ذلك] May 11, 2011 at 1:46 pm

Only congress? Darn, I was looking forward to Lindsey Graham's recipe for spotted dick.

(My alternate joke is about republican congressional wives having lots of Pigs in a Blanket recipes.)

prommie May 11, 2011 at 1:47 pm

Is one expected to give the "potato" a reacharound when performing the "super tuber?" I'd think that would just be the polite thing to do, but then again, its also very altruistic and "collectivist" to give a shit about the potato's orgasm. Is that what they really mean when they say "going Galt," just stone fucking someone for their own selfish pleasure, with no concern whatsoever for their partner's enjoyment?

V572..whatever May 11, 2011 at 1:52 pm

You have now comprehended what is known as Sex, Republican Style. It's Government, Republican Style, too.

BaldarTFlagass May 11, 2011 at 1:48 pm

Though not technically a food recipe, I hope that when they update this they put "Mark Foley's Congressional Page Buttered Popcorn Surprise" in there, for the lulz.

baconzgood May 11, 2011 at 1:48 pm

Breakfast bacon: "Dip slices in milk and fry" I'M SOOOOO EFFIN' BUYING THIS BOOK!!!!!!!

axmxz May 11, 2011 at 1:54 pm

The only way to make that less kosher would be to serve it still oinking.

MissTaken May 11, 2011 at 1:49 pm

Yum! I know when I'm parched from inserting a Super Tuber in and out of my mouth several times I like to wash it down with some Egg Lemonade. For the children.

Gopherit May 11, 2011 at 2:08 pm

That's … not… egg white.

Steverino247 May 11, 2011 at 2:45 pm

Speaking of masturbating furiously…

undeterredbyreality May 11, 2011 at 1:49 pm

Chocolate Cream Pie:

…oh nevermind. Use your imaginations. I just can't go there.

SexySmurf May 11, 2011 at 1:51 pm

By Mrs. Rick Santorum.

MissTaken May 11, 2011 at 1:53 pm

Something tells me her Chocolate Cream Pie has a lovely, frothy egg white meringue on it.

AJW@[redacted] May 11, 2011 at 5:54 pm

Can't, or won't?

memzilla May 11, 2011 at 1:49 pm

Ken, Ken, Ken… where's the lightly salted poison rat dick canapes?

Lucidamente1 May 11, 2011 at 1:50 pm

And the anus burger surprise?

axmxz May 11, 2011 at 1:53 pm

Who ordered White Castle?

SheriffRoscoe May 11, 2011 at 1:50 pm

Where's the apple-less apple pie? This is the lamest depression EVAR.

memzilla May 11, 2011 at 1:51 pm

And the Lettemeat Cake?

user-of-owls May 11, 2011 at 1:52 pm

We are living in an ersatz democracy.

GOPCrusher May 11, 2011 at 3:14 pm

Stone Soup

102415 May 18, 2011 at 4:46 am

"Where's the apple-less apple pie? This is the lamest depression EVAR"

I love that pie. it was made with Ritz crackers.

axmxz May 11, 2011 at 1:51 pm

Boehner's Recipe for Success:

1) find the juiciest and sourest orange.
2) eat it to gain its powers.

BlueMonkeh May 11, 2011 at 2:08 pm

3) wear said orange's skin

OkieDokieDog May 11, 2011 at 1:52 pm

So Larry Craig actually took the time to whittle out a hole all the way through a potato just to poke a weenie in it? Why doesn't this guy have a reality cooking teevee show? Maybe he can go on Bristol's show and teach her how to cook this delicious recipe for her "housemates".

SorosBot May 11, 2011 at 1:52 pm

By releasing a cookbook at a time when many Americans were literally starving to death, the Congressional wives must have just been taunting everybody.

pinkocommi May 11, 2011 at 1:53 pm

I'm pretty sure Pat Nixon served Richard every night barbecued hearts of Viet Cong in Agent Orange sauce.

SorosBot May 11, 2011 at 2:16 pm

I believe Pat Nixon ended each day with a vodka-Valium shooter, a recipe later followed by First Ladies Betty Ford and Laura Bush, as well as would-be First Ladies Cyndi McCain and Callista Gingrich.

freakishlywrong May 11, 2011 at 1:53 pm

Where's the hypocrite fritters and I've got mine sauce?

i_AM_ready May 11, 2011 at 1:53 pm

Go to Senator Barbara Mikulski's website, and the first thing you see is her crab cake recipe. Which is funny because she doesn't realize the other Senators call her Crab Cake behind her back.

DaRooster May 11, 2011 at 1:53 pm

Koch N Gobble (AKA Fascist Burgers)-
Start with pulling down the pants of 1 greasy white prostate cancer victim. Insert shriveled penis into mouth. Mouth continuously for 6 minutes until cream filling erupts on tongue. Spit filling into previously ground union worker eyeballs (6-8). Flatten and serve on 2 toasted stacks of $100 bills. (Catsup optional…'cuz you can use Ketchup)

Weenus299 May 11, 2011 at 1:54 pm

All in all, it makes me want to go on the Larry Craig diet.

JustPixelz May 11, 2011 at 3:47 pm

Eat three helpings of Larry Craig a day? No thanks.

Gopherit May 11, 2011 at 1:56 pm

GOP Po' Boy: Get 5 congressional pages who come from poverty districts, and place them between your mattress and box spring at the C-Street residence. Get the rest of the residents to help you in an enthusiastic rogering/bukake session. For true Louisiana flavor, add tabasco and dirty diapers. Serve gumbo after.

V572..whatever May 11, 2011 at 1:56 pm

It's a bit disappointing to read that I was overweight in 1933 too.

Oh, and this is the weirdest recipe I've ever read:

CHEAP CHICKEN

Have the butcher bone a fresh ham; place it in brine for 48 hours; have it well strapped in roast form; boil for 3 hours, changing the water if it is too salty; this may be browned in the oven; serve with Hollandaise sauce.

Weenus299 May 11, 2011 at 3:09 pm

You could save the expense, dim the lights and bone the ham yourself.

GOPCrusher May 11, 2011 at 3:17 pm

Put on your favorite Barry White album makes it a special occasion.

poncho_pilot May 11, 2011 at 1:57 pm

Duck a la Boehner.

poncho_pilot May 11, 2011 at 1:58 pm

also known as Canard a l'Orange.

DemmeFatale May 11, 2011 at 1:57 pm

Oh, Ken!
It's all "happy-happy, joy-joy" with you, isn't it?

(I'll never eat Indian Pudding again.)

SheriffRoscoe May 11, 2011 at 1:57 pm

"A chicken in every pot!" (Pot not included.)

BlueMonkeh May 11, 2011 at 2:10 pm

Chicken sold separately.

vulpes82 May 11, 2011 at 3:13 pm

Chicken actually boiled ham. (See "Cheap Chicken" recipe.)

WriteyWriterton May 11, 2011 at 3:42 pm

Water sold separately.

mrblifil May 11, 2011 at 1:57 pm

Cunt Salad

Find a Palin. Stick in fork until done. Add Relish. Serve with favorite beverage (cf. Cunt Juice) as they have a tendency to be dry, sometimes to the point of sandpaper.

GOPCrusher May 11, 2011 at 3:20 pm

Is a Palin ever done?

Mahousu May 11, 2011 at 1:58 pm

Syllabub: Grate nutmeg into sweetened cider; milk a cow into the liquor …

Ken's right; these aren't so much recipes as elaborate masturbation rituals.

Monsieur_Grumpe May 11, 2011 at 2:22 pm

You say it like there is something wrong with that.

SayItWithWookies May 11, 2011 at 1:59 pm

GOP Pickles: Empty the pantry, blow the kids' college fund on hookers, come home drunk, fuck the dog, then when your wife threatens to leave, call her a communist.

LocalGirlMakesGoo May 11, 2011 at 1:59 pm

White-ruled South Africa! Oh, now I miss my amah! Maybe I should send her some Thank You For Not Killing Me In My Sleep Butter Cookies.

V572..whatever May 11, 2011 at 11:29 pm

That is viciously funny. Very nice!

mrblifil May 11, 2011 at 2:01 pm

Breitbart Beer Farts

Locate, register, and purchase domain name. Launch aggregating website. Pop open cold one. Profit.

Gopherit May 11, 2011 at 2:03 pm

I prefer my hobo cooked. Raw hobo gives me the trots.

Worthly[♬♪♬♪♫♪♬]Skum May 11, 2011 at 2:04 pm

Turn page over for "Mark Foley's Mouthwatering Pulled Pork".

fuflans May 11, 2011 at 2:07 pm

my beloved wonketteers:

i think you are the wittiest community of intelligent, thoughtful people whose insights i follow with great delight.

however, i will not be reading the comments on this post.

BaldarTFlagass May 11, 2011 at 2:16 pm

"Alright, I'll tell you when it's okay to look. Hey, look! Look! A German shepherd!'

Caveat: 35-year-old cheech and chong reference may be too obscure and somewhat misquoted.

CapeClod May 11, 2011 at 2:17 pm

I don't even want to read my own comments.

BaldarTFlagass May 11, 2011 at 2:07 pm

Just don't try that shit on the Hobo With A Shotgun!

GOPCrusher May 11, 2011 at 3:23 pm

To the Netflix Queue!

OneYieldRegular May 11, 2011 at 2:09 pm

[Regarding that Larry Craig recipe, spoken with Truman Capote lisp]: "That's not cooking; that's pathology."

Gopherit May 11, 2011 at 2:11 pm

David Vitter's Chunky Chocolate Brownies. Standard brownie recipe, but cook til gooey. Hire a prostitute to serve it to you in a diaper.

axmxz May 11, 2011 at 2:13 pm

It's all sausage milking.

fixed.

Gopherit May 11, 2011 at 2:20 pm

It's all sausage stuffing.

OneDollarJuana May 11, 2011 at 2:56 pm

Stuffing in grandmother's "pudding".

poncho_pilot May 11, 2011 at 2:14 pm

"place the skinned and deboned bodies of ten orphans into a very large pot. bring to boil for one hour then reduce to a simmer on low heat. allow to simmer for one week . get an aide to stir pot continuously…"

Monsieur_Grumpe May 11, 2011 at 2:14 pm

How to make a super tuber!
You are welcome.
http://www.foodgoat.com/2007/08/idaho-udaho-actua

Please note that this takes a least one gallon of some kind of lubricant like olive oil.

undeterredbyreality May 11, 2011 at 2:15 pm

"IT'S FROTHY ™!"

ttommyunger May 11, 2011 at 2:16 pm

My fav is also a favorite of Larry Craig: "Cumquat Surprise" with fresh cum. In fact I ran off a batch by hand this morning.

CapeClod May 11, 2011 at 2:17 pm

Ham Biscuits:

Get ham and slice pieces
Cook biscuits and cut in two
Place ham in biscuits
Fondle Lieberman's jowls and masurbate violently.

Gleem_McShineys May 11, 2011 at 5:25 pm

SUPER JEWBER!

SorosBot May 11, 2011 at 2:19 pm

Does the 2003 cookbook include the Bush-McCain-Lieberman recipe for roast limb of Iraqi child?

DustBowlBlues May 11, 2011 at 2:22 pm

HA! I scoff. I've eaten stranger things at United Methodist Women when the really old ladies were still with us. Meat jello or STFU.

sati_demise May 11, 2011 at 10:06 pm

oh I love that stuff. it has a proper name, too, just cant think of it right now. ah, consumme`

DustBowlBlues May 11, 2011 at 10:34 pm

Aspic. But I'm talking about ground ham and potatoes suspended in Miracle-whippy jello. I couldn't force that one into my mouth. I actually ate some of the jello with slices of canned corned beef in it.

Shit that would make a horse gag. All in the name of John Wesley and Jesus. I really deserve to go to heaven someday.

Fare la Volpe May 11, 2011 at 2:24 pm

Just wait until you try the Vitter Fritters.

Gopherit May 11, 2011 at 2:25 pm

Don't ask Bachmann what's in her hotdish…..just try to eat it quickly, and never turn your back on her.

neiltheblaze May 11, 2011 at 2:27 pm

Those recipes are almost as disgusting as anything from Paula Dean.

Monsieur_Grumpe May 11, 2011 at 2:38 pm

That woman sweats butter.

SheriffRoscoe May 11, 2011 at 2:42 pm

You'd sweat butter too, if you fried a cheesecake and then topped it with whipped cream.

Monsieur_Grumpe May 11, 2011 at 2:36 pm

What! No lard sandwiches?

Steverino247 May 11, 2011 at 2:48 pm

I don't always drink piss, but when I do, I drink my own.

God, I love crossed memes…

Steverino247 May 11, 2011 at 2:52 pm

For the record, I know all about the Bonus Army and how they were mistreated. MacArthur also allowed his air force assets to be shot up on the ground AFTER the attack on Pearl Harbor, so there.

However, a more timely historical reference, given today's shitty economic outlook for anyone not currently listed in Forbe's Magazine, would be Cox's Army.

sati_demise May 11, 2011 at 10:07 pm

Smedley Butler was there rockin' out too, fur sure.

metamarcisf May 11, 2011 at 2:57 pm

I'm lookin for a good recipe for Cranberry Relish.

metamarcisf May 11, 2011 at 2:59 pm

And they thought the comments on Trig's birthday party were nasty…

freakishlywrong May 11, 2011 at 3:03 pm

The picture of the Believe it or Not Salad is going to give me night terrors.

Timofmars May 11, 2011 at 3:10 pm

Larry Craig's preparation method also involves shaping the bottom of the potato like a nutsack "for better grip", and piercing a hole into the tip of the hot dog to inject mustard into the interior "for a more even distribution of mustard".

He really gets a kick out of showing the kids how to hold it and get the mustard to come out.

vulpes82 May 11, 2011 at 3:15 pm

Looks like cocktail hour's started early today at the Layne Desert Compound!

the_problem_child May 11, 2011 at 10:16 pm

Dessert (pedant)

mog253 May 11, 2011 at 3:57 pm

ugh, yes, yes, needs more peni$.

ttommyunger May 11, 2011 at 5:12 pm

Mrs. Thumb and her four daughters, always there for me.

Buckminster May 11, 2011 at 5:26 pm

Death Panel Surprise
Take a large handful of memorable and frightning catchphrases, spoon-feed to gullible blue-collar Amurikans, shake well to agitate thoroughly. Give yourself a heaping helping of Koch-supplied lettuce and pat yourself on the back for doing your patriotic duty. Cut as many social and educational programs that help the young, poor, old, female or minority Amurikans as possible. Serves a finite group of corporate donors.

meufchelou May 11, 2011 at 5:37 pm

How to diet:

Read all the comments posted here, three times daily before meals.

sati_demise May 11, 2011 at 10:11 pm

Goldman Sachs supper: sell crap to your clients by marking it AAA steaks, make huge bets on that crap starting to stink, clients die of food poisoning, profit!

the_problem_child May 11, 2011 at 10:16 pm

Dessert (no really, pedant this time).

DustBowlBlues May 11, 2011 at 10:37 pm

There are just some foods that do not belong in jello. Like tuna fish, or so I assume. I can personall attest to the gross out effect of minced ham and potatoes in Miracle whippy jello. Or Corned Beef.

Did these people really eat shit like that in the 50s?

PristineODummy May 11, 2011 at 10:47 pm

Can we sue on the grounds that teh recipes were NOT delicious, as claimed? Seriously, cheap chicken?

BZ1 May 11, 2011 at 11:03 pm

You really have to have a recipe for making tea? Hot water and a tea bag??

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