How many things can you make with bribes and gay hookers?Most Americans today completely ignore politics and Congress, and most of those who follow the stuff very intensely are, you know, insane, and the only “congressional recipe” America’s Abused Liberals know about is the Larry Craig “super tuber,” which is a wiener forced inside a hole cored in a potato, again and again, until both the wiener and the potato are spent. WE FEEL YOUR DOUBT SO GO NOW AND LOOK AT THIS, THEN COME BACK. There. Do you feel better? Of course you don’t. Let’s talk about History instead — the history of Congressional Cookbooks of Olden Times When Blacks Were Still Legally Prevented From Voting In Most States and World War I veterans were smashed and beaten in the streets of Washington by active-duty troops led by MacArthur and Eisenhower. You know, 1933! The last Great Depression!

Our pretend-friends at The Hairpin came across this delightful recipe book of terrible food items allegedly prepared by the vacant-eyed wives of congressmen and senators. (The food was really prepared by black house-servants, who must’ve been appalled by this scary white people food free of spice or seasoning.) Each recipe is gross! So gross, in fact, that we cannot quote them here. Instead, we will make up our own versions based on the titles of the individual recipes. (You can read the real ones at The Hairpin.)

    Take several plastic jugs of whatever corn syrup/citric acid “lemonade” is sold in the congressional cafeteria these days. Masturbate furiously into the bottles while thinking of killing Arabs and sucking off a cop. Remember not to pay for the lemonade! (A staffer can take care of that, or you can just tell your staffers to “write an omnibus bill” making it illegal for anyone to complain about you stealing stuff, and then you can include whatever billions of dollars in corporate welfare the Koch Brothers demanded with their last gift basket.) Serves yourself.
    Kill several million Native Americans and tell a bunch of hideous lies to the rest. Then, when you’re caught with a gambling addiction at a local Indian Casino, have your staffers write a “budget plan” that makes it illegal to be Native American. Masturbate into some pudding at the congressional cafeteria. Serves you right.
    Make your staffers write a “declaration of solidarity” with white-ruled South Africa, in the 1980s, and then take one of diamond necklaces you got as a bribe and give that to the boy you call from the telephone service at night. Serves the servants.

Well, that’s all the time we have for whatever this was, today! See you again on the next episode of “Famous Congressional Recipes.” [The Hairpin]

Hell.No. Hats

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  • nounverb911

    Soylent Green sounds tastier than those recipes.

  • Weenus299

    No thanks, I prefer my Indian grandmothers in pie.

    • OneDollarJuana

      I prefer my Indian grandmother's pie. ; )


    "It's a Cookbook!"

  • memzilla
    • CrankyLttlCamperette

      Puh-lease. The only men those two are serving are themselves.

  • Weenus299

    "Believe it or Not Salad"

    Place lettuce on a plate, a banana to garnish, then surprise a young boy forced into prostitution on the streets around the Capitol and remove his face. Place face on plate, salt and pepper to taste.

  • SexySmurf

    Where's Cindy McCain's recipe for "Old-fashion Vicodin Brownies?"

    • Schmannnity

      Right after the Oxycontin Ox Tails.

    • memzilla

      And the Prozacasserole.

    • ejcsanfran

      John McCain still prefers his mother's Laudanum Trifle.

      • mog253

        Only if it's made with Lydia Pinkham's, the original lady's relief tonic.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Finally, a Ken post that doesn't make me feel like swerving my vehicle across the median into the path of an oncoming tanker truck.

  • V572..whatever

    Ken: get a grip, man. The key word is "humor," and we're not talking black bile, yellow bile, blood or phlegm.

    • user-of-owls

      I think your humors are out of balance. Try leeches, they work wonders.

    • memzilla

      Bile be seeing you… in all the old familiar places…

  • OkieDokieDog

    It's not real Murika food if it's not covered in Kraft's processed cheeze foodstuff.

    • Weenus299

      with penises.

      • spudgun

        Dontcha mean Oscar Mayer Little Smokies?

  • WhatTheHeck

    You can tell a republican shopping in a supermarket by how long they hang out at the cucumbers and Italian squash aisles.

    • Same rule for women married to Repubicans.

  • ProgressiveInga

    I couldn't find Barney Frank's husband's favorite national and international recipe.

    • Schmannnity

      Hidden sausage pie?

      • LabRodent

        NO pie!

  • Grief_Lessons


    Sorry, I was distracted waiting for the closing braket after the opening bracket in the Egg lemonade recipe.

    • user-of-owls

      Thanks. We all needed closure.

    • Grief_Lessons

      Ooops, now it's there. I look like an asshole. More of an asshole.

      • mog253

        It's okay, that way you mix right in with the rest of us!

  • x111e7thst

    If I were a Congress person I would demand that my staff do my masturbating in the pudding for me.

    • Mumbletypeg

      Nonsense. Why let them have all the funk?

  • bumfug

    John Ensign's Naughty Dessert:
    (1) Steal your friend's pie.
    (2) Eat it.
    (3) When he finds out and gets pissed, have your mom pay him way more than it was worth.

    • CrankyLttlCamperette

      Actually, according to the 1998 edition (yeah, I collect odd cookbooks) John Ensign's recipe was for "Champagne Salad." Boehner's was a chili recipe and Gary Condit's was for "Chocolate Tart."

      I couldn't make this up.

  • user-of-owls

    From now on, whenever I see a vacant-eyed wife of a congressman and or senator, I'm gonna shout, "What a dish!"

  • Sophist [غني عن ذلك]

    Only congress? Darn, I was looking forward to Lindsey Graham's recipe for spotted dick.

    (My alternate joke is about republican congressional wives having lots of Pigs in a Blanket recipes.)

  • prommie

    Is one expected to give the "potato" a reacharound when performing the "super tuber?" I'd think that would just be the polite thing to do, but then again, its also very altruistic and "collectivist" to give a shit about the potato's orgasm. Is that what they really mean when they say "going Galt," just stone fucking someone for their own selfish pleasure, with no concern whatsoever for their partner's enjoyment?

    • V572..whatever

      You have now comprehended what is known as Sex, Republican Style. It's Government, Republican Style, too.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Though not technically a food recipe, I hope that when they update this they put "Mark Foley's Congressional Page Buttered Popcorn Surprise" in there, for the lulz.

  • baconzgood

    Breakfast bacon: "Dip slices in milk and fry" I'M SOOOOO EFFIN' BUYING THIS BOOK!!!!!!!

    • axmxz

      The only way to make that less kosher would be to serve it still oinking.

  • MissTaken

    Yum! I know when I'm parched from inserting a Super Tuber in and out of my mouth several times I like to wash it down with some Egg Lemonade. For the children.

    • Gopherit

      That's … not… egg white.

    • Steverino247

      Speaking of masturbating furiously…

  • undeterredbyreality

    Chocolate Cream Pie:

    …oh nevermind. Use your imaginations. I just can't go there.

    • SexySmurf

      By Mrs. Rick Santorum.

      • MissTaken

        Something tells me her Chocolate Cream Pie has a lovely, frothy egg white meringue on it.

    • AJW@[redacted]

      Can't, or won't?

  • memzilla

    Ken, Ken, Ken… where's the lightly salted poison rat dick canapes?

    • Lucidamente1

      And the anus burger surprise?

      • axmxz

        Who ordered White Castle?

  • SheriffRoscoe

    Where's the apple-less apple pie? This is the lamest depression EVAR.

    • memzilla

      And the Lettemeat Cake?

    • user-of-owls

      We are living in an ersatz democracy.

    • GOPCrusher

      Stone Soup

    • 102415

      "Where's the apple-less apple pie? This is the lamest depression EVAR"

      I love that pie. it was made with Ritz crackers.

  • axmxz

    Boehner's Recipe for Success:

    1) find the juiciest and sourest orange.
    2) eat it to gain its powers.

    • BlueMonkeh

      3) wear said orange's skin

  • OkieDokieDog

    So Larry Craig actually took the time to whittle out a hole all the way through a potato just to poke a weenie in it? Why doesn't this guy have a reality cooking teevee show? Maybe he can go on Bristol's show and teach her how to cook this delicious recipe for her "housemates".

  • SorosBot

    By releasing a cookbook at a time when many Americans were literally starving to death, the Congressional wives must have just been taunting everybody.

  • pinkocommi

    I'm pretty sure Pat Nixon served Richard every night barbecued hearts of Viet Cong in Agent Orange sauce.

    • SorosBot

      I believe Pat Nixon ended each day with a vodka-Valium shooter, a recipe later followed by First Ladies Betty Ford and Laura Bush, as well as would-be First Ladies Cyndi McCain and Callista Gingrich.

  • freakishlywrong

    Where's the hypocrite fritters and I've got mine sauce?

  • i_AM_ready

    Go to Senator Barbara Mikulski's website, and the first thing you see is her crab cake recipe. Which is funny because she doesn't realize the other Senators call her Crab Cake behind her back.

  • DaRooster

    Koch N Gobble (AKA Fascist Burgers)-
    Start with pulling down the pants of 1 greasy white prostate cancer victim. Insert shriveled penis into mouth. Mouth continuously for 6 minutes until cream filling erupts on tongue. Spit filling into previously ground union worker eyeballs (6-8). Flatten and serve on 2 toasted stacks of $100 bills. (Catsup optional…'cuz you can use Ketchup)

  • Weenus299

    All in all, it makes me want to go on the Larry Craig diet.

    • Eat three helpings of Larry Craig a day? No thanks.

  • Gopherit

    GOP Po' Boy: Get 5 congressional pages who come from poverty districts, and place them between your mattress and box spring at the C-Street residence. Get the rest of the residents to help you in an enthusiastic rogering/bukake session. For true Louisiana flavor, add tabasco and dirty diapers. Serve gumbo after.

  • V572..whatever

    It's a bit disappointing to read that I was overweight in 1933 too.

    Oh, and this is the weirdest recipe I've ever read:


    Have the butcher bone a fresh ham; place it in brine for 48 hours; have it well strapped in roast form; boil for 3 hours, changing the water if it is too salty; this may be browned in the oven; serve with Hollandaise sauce.

    • Weenus299

      You could save the expense, dim the lights and bone the ham yourself.

      • GOPCrusher

        Put on your favorite Barry White album makes it a special occasion.

  • poncho_pilot

    Duck a la Boehner.

    • poncho_pilot

      also known as Canard a l'Orange.

  • DemmeFatale

    Oh, Ken!
    It's all "happy-happy, joy-joy" with you, isn't it?

    (I'll never eat Indian Pudding again.)

  • SheriffRoscoe

    "A chicken in every pot!" (Pot not included.)

    • BlueMonkeh

      Chicken sold separately.

      • vulpes82

        Chicken actually boiled ham. (See "Cheap Chicken" recipe.)

        • WriteyWriterton

          Water sold separately.

  • Cunt Salad

    Find a Palin. Stick in fork until done. Add Relish. Serve with favorite beverage (cf. Cunt Juice) as they have a tendency to be dry, sometimes to the point of sandpaper.

    • GOPCrusher

      Is a Palin ever done?

  • Mahousu

    Syllabub: Grate nutmeg into sweetened cider; milk a cow into the liquor …

    Ken's right; these aren't so much recipes as elaborate masturbation rituals.

  • SayItWithWookies

    GOP Pickles: Empty the pantry, blow the kids' college fund on hookers, come home drunk, fuck the dog, then when your wife threatens to leave, call her a communist.

  • LocalGirlMakesGoo

    White-ruled South Africa! Oh, now I miss my amah! Maybe I should send her some Thank You For Not Killing Me In My Sleep Butter Cookies.

    • V572..whatever

      That is viciously funny. Very nice!

  • Breitbart Beer Farts

    Locate, register, and purchase domain name. Launch aggregating website. Pop open cold one. Profit.

  • Gopherit

    I prefer my hobo cooked. Raw hobo gives me the trots.

  • Worthly[♬♪♬♪♫♪♬]Skum

    Turn page over for "Mark Foley's Mouthwatering Pulled Pork".

  • fuflans

    my beloved wonketteers:

    i think you are the wittiest community of intelligent, thoughtful people whose insights i follow with great delight.

    however, i will not be reading the comments on this post.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      "Alright, I'll tell you when it's okay to look. Hey, look! Look! A German shepherd!'

      Caveat: 35-year-old cheech and chong reference may be too obscure and somewhat misquoted.

    • CapeClod

      I don't even want to read my own comments.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Just don't try that shit on the Hobo With A Shotgun!

    • GOPCrusher

      To the Netflix Queue!

  • OneYieldRegular

    [Regarding that Larry Craig recipe, spoken with Truman Capote lisp]: "That's not cooking; that's pathology."

  • Gopherit

    David Vitter's Chunky Chocolate Brownies. Standard brownie recipe, but cook til gooey. Hire a prostitute to serve it to you in a diaper.

  • axmxz

    It's all sausage milking.


    • Gopherit

      It's all sausage stuffing.

      • OneDollarJuana

        Stuffing in grandmother's "pudding".

  • poncho_pilot

    "place the skinned and deboned bodies of ten orphans into a very large pot. bring to boil for one hour then reduce to a simmer on low heat. allow to simmer for one week . get an aide to stir pot continuously…"

  • How to make a super tuber!
    You are welcome.

    Please note that this takes a least one gallon of some kind of lubricant like olive oil.

  • undeterredbyreality

    "IT'S FROTHY ™!"

  • ttommyunger

    My fav is also a favorite of Larry Craig: "Cumquat Surprise" with fresh cum. In fact I ran off a batch by hand this morning.

  • CapeClod

    Ham Biscuits:

    Get ham and slice pieces
    Cook biscuits and cut in two
    Place ham in biscuits
    Fondle Lieberman's jowls and masurbate violently.

  • SorosBot

    Does the 2003 cookbook include the Bush-McCain-Lieberman recipe for roast limb of Iraqi child?

  • DustBowlBlues

    HA! I scoff. I've eaten stranger things at United Methodist Women when the really old ladies were still with us. Meat jello or STFU.

    • sati_demise

      oh I love that stuff. it has a proper name, too, just cant think of it right now. ah, consumme`

      • DustBowlBlues

        Aspic. But I'm talking about ground ham and potatoes suspended in Miracle-whippy jello. I couldn't force that one into my mouth. I actually ate some of the jello with slices of canned corned beef in it.

        Shit that would make a horse gag. All in the name of John Wesley and Jesus. I really deserve to go to heaven someday.

  • Fare la Volpe

    Just wait until you try the Vitter Fritters.

  • Gopherit

    Don't ask Bachmann what's in her hotdish…..just try to eat it quickly, and never turn your back on her.

  • neiltheblaze

    Those recipes are almost as disgusting as anything from Paula Dean.

  • What! No lard sandwiches?

  • Steverino247

    I don't always drink piss, but when I do, I drink my own.

    God, I love crossed memes…

  • Steverino247

    For the record, I know all about the Bonus Army and how they were mistreated. MacArthur also allowed his air force assets to be shot up on the ground AFTER the attack on Pearl Harbor, so there.

    However, a more timely historical reference, given today's shitty economic outlook for anyone not currently listed in Forbe's Magazine, would be Cox's Army.

    • sati_demise

      Smedley Butler was there rockin' out too, fur sure.

  • metamarcisf

    I'm lookin for a good recipe for Cranberry Relish.

  • metamarcisf

    And they thought the comments on Trig's birthday party were nasty…

  • freakishlywrong

    The picture of the Believe it or Not Salad is going to give me night terrors.

  • Timofmars

    Larry Craig's preparation method also involves shaping the bottom of the potato like a nutsack "for better grip", and piercing a hole into the tip of the hot dog to inject mustard into the interior "for a more even distribution of mustard".

    He really gets a kick out of showing the kids how to hold it and get the mustard to come out.

  • vulpes82

    Looks like cocktail hour's started early today at the Layne Desert Compound!

    • the_problem_child

      Dessert (pedant)

  • mog253

    ugh, yes, yes, needs more peni$.

  • ttommyunger

    Mrs. Thumb and her four daughters, always there for me.

  • Buckminster

    Death Panel Surprise
    Take a large handful of memorable and frightning catchphrases, spoon-feed to gullible blue-collar Amurikans, shake well to agitate thoroughly. Give yourself a heaping helping of Koch-supplied lettuce and pat yourself on the back for doing your patriotic duty. Cut as many social and educational programs that help the young, poor, old, female or minority Amurikans as possible. Serves a finite group of corporate donors.

  • meufchelou

    How to diet:

    Read all the comments posted here, three times daily before meals.

  • sati_demise

    Goldman Sachs supper: sell crap to your clients by marking it AAA steaks, make huge bets on that crap starting to stink, clients die of food poisoning, profit!

  • the_problem_child

    Dessert (no really, pedant this time).

  • DustBowlBlues

    There are just some foods that do not belong in jello. Like tuna fish, or so I assume. I can personall attest to the gross out effect of minced ham and potatoes in Miracle whippy jello. Or Corned Beef.

    Did these people really eat shit like that in the 50s?

  • PristineODummy

    Can we sue on the grounds that teh recipes were NOT delicious, as claimed? Seriously, cheap chicken?

  • BZ1

    You really have to have a recipe for making tea? Hot water and a tea bag??

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