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How many things can you make with bribes and gay hookers?Most Americans today completely ignore politics and Congress, and most of those who follow the stuff very intensely are, you know, insane, and the only “congressional recipe” America’s Abused Liberals know about is the Larry Craig “super tuber,” which is a wiener forced inside a hole cored in a potato, again and again, until both the wiener and the potato are spent. WE FEEL YOUR DOUBT SO GO NOW AND LOOK AT THIS, THEN COME BACK. There. Do you feel better? Of course you don’t. Let’s talk about History instead — the history of Congressional Cookbooks of Olden Times When Blacks Were Still Legally Prevented From Voting In Most States and World War I veterans were smashed and beaten in the streets of Washington by active-duty troops led by MacArthur and Eisenhower. You know, 1933! The last Great Depression!

Our pretend-friends at The Hairpin came across this delightful recipe book of terrible food items allegedly prepared by the vacant-eyed wives of congressmen and senators. (The food was really prepared by black house-servants, who must’ve been appalled by this scary white people food free of spice or seasoning.) Each recipe is gross! So gross, in fact, that we cannot quote them here. Instead, we will make up our own versions based on the titles of the individual recipes. (You can read the real ones at The Hairpin.)

  • EGG LEMONADE:
    Take several plastic jugs of whatever corn syrup/citric acid “lemonade” is sold in the congressional cafeteria these days. Masturbate furiously into the bottles while thinking of killing Arabs and sucking off a cop. Remember not to pay for the lemonade! (A staffer can take care of that, or you can just tell your staffers to “write an omnibus bill” making it illegal for anyone to complain about you stealing stuff, and then you can include whatever billions of dollars in corporate welfare the Koch Brothers demanded with their last gift basket.) Serves yourself.
  • GRANDMOTHER’S INDIAN PUDDING:
    Kill several million Native Americans and tell a bunch of hideous lies to the rest. Then, when you’re caught with a gambling addiction at a local Indian Casino, have your staffers write a “budget plan” that makes it illegal to be Native American. Masturbate into some pudding at the congressional cafeteria. Serves you right.
  • YUM-YUM GEMS:
    Make your staffers write a “declaration of solidarity” with white-ruled South Africa, in the 1980s, and then take one of diamond necklaces you got as a bribe and give that to the boy you call from the telephone service at night. Serves the servants.

Well, that’s all the time we have for whatever this was, today! See you again on the next episode of “Famous Congressional Recipes.” [The Hairpin]

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