HIS CURRENT AFFAIR  11:09 am May 11, 2011

As He Enters Race, Newt Knows All of History Was Leading Up To Him

by Jack Stuef

Somebody found his running mate!Newt Gingrich is temporarily quitting his dubious money-making schemes today to run for president, which will give him attention and help him make more cash when he returns to his important work mailing people’s pets “dog of the year” awards that require owners to send Newt $5,000 for a plaque. He will announce this the same way he sort of did, sort of didn’t, then sort of did again months ago: on the Facebook and the Twitter. And then he will go on Sean Hannity’s show to seal the deal with a kiss. Also, he may think he is the culmination of all of human history and see himself as a triumphant figure like Charles de Gaulle, of all people.

Is Matt Bai ever really right? Probably not. But what he writes sounds good to the kind of people who read the Times, and sometimes he is fun, like this:

Mr. Gingrich is a devotee of the historian Arnold J. Toynbee, who meditated on the concept of “departure and return” — the idea that great leaders have to leave (or be banished from) their kingdoms before they can better themselves and return as conquering heroes. One of Newt’s heroes, the French general and statesman Charles de Gaulle, embodies just this kind of romantic narrative, having spent 12 years out of power before returning to lead his country. So does Ronald Reagan, who traveled the country after losing his bid for the Republican nomination in 1976, then came roaring back to win it all four years later.

Like Mr. de Gaulle, Mr. Gingrich has been out of power for about 12 years. And if elected president, Mr. Gingrich, like Mr. Reagan, would be 69 when taking the oath of office. (Mr. de Gaulle was 68.) Coincidence? It might seem that way, but I’m guessing he sees something more portentous in the parallels.

Oh that Matt Bai, always guessing!

As delightful as it is to imagine Newt dressing up in De Gaulle’s French military uniform with the funny hat and playing with his zoo animal friends, we feel this is probably a reach. Newt Gingrich has reportedly read a lot of historians, not just this guy. And if you ask us, this is the historic figure Newt sees himself as: T.E. Lawrence. Or maybe that dog that was in the bin Laden raid? One of the two. [NYT]

 
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{ 186 comments }

Texan_Bulldog May 11, 2011 at 11:14 am

Ronnie may have had a whole host of issues but comparing him to Newt probably has him & Nancy rolling in their graves. What….Nancy isn't dead yet? Oops.

ttommyunger May 11, 2011 at 12:21 pm

Oh she's dead, all right. At least that's what Frank Sinatra said….No, wait! He said she FUCKS like a dead woman, sorry, my bad.

horsedreamer_1 May 11, 2011 at 1:07 pm

But blows like an Oreck.

ttommyunger May 11, 2011 at 5:07 pm

Must have been why Ronnie was so mellow.

DerrickWildcat May 11, 2011 at 11:14 am

Just because he posed for a picture with a Cat doesn't mean he's not a Catist.
Dog of the year…indeed.

poncho_pilot May 11, 2011 at 11:56 am

what? he has a good relationship with "The Cats".

horsedreamer_1 May 11, 2011 at 1:08 pm

Don't Ask, Don't Tell repeal will be safe under our 45th president, then.

forgracie May 11, 2011 at 11:14 am

When he first came to power (back when most of you kids were still filling diapers) I told a friend of mine that "Newt will take care of Newt." I still feel that way. This will be the kamikaze of all presidential runs.

poncho_pilot May 11, 2011 at 11:58 am

as long as it ends with Newt smashing head first into the deck of an aircraft carrier i'm all for it.

BaldarTFlagass May 11, 2011 at 12:00 pm

Mission Accomplished!

Lascauxcaveman May 11, 2011 at 1:01 pm

And by "kamikaze" I think you mean "fail to get much interest and just sort of fade away before the first primary."

anniegetyerfun May 11, 2011 at 2:44 pm

He's the Fred Thompson of 2012! But grosser, somehow.

horsedreamer_1 May 11, 2011 at 1:09 pm

This is prolly Giuliani 08 redux, just sub Nevada for Florida.

lulzmonger May 12, 2011 at 1:15 am

If only he can somehow top McCain's "my fellow prisoners" … oh man … I'm getting all tingly just thinking about it.

YES HE CAN!

Chillwaver May 11, 2011 at 11:14 am

Newt's "Exploratory Committee" includes 10 potential new wives…

Worthly[♬♪♬♪♫♪♬]Skum May 11, 2011 at 12:18 pm

Like a cross between the Municipal Sewer Committee annual meeting and Temptation Island.

CapeClod May 11, 2011 at 11:14 am

"And if you ask us, this is the historic figure Newt sees himself as: T.E. Lawrence."

So he's going to blow up trains and get buggered by Turks?

BaldarTFlagass May 11, 2011 at 11:20 am

Well, hopefully he rides a motorcycle, anyway, so he could meet an early demise.

Arken May 11, 2011 at 11:25 am

Don't forget, T.E. Lawrence also changed his name, left all the publicity behind and spent the rest of his life in intentional obscurity. I fully support Newt following his example.

BaldarTFlagass May 11, 2011 at 11:28 am

And joined the RAF. Don't think Newt meets the weight requirements for the USAF (or age, for that matter).

memzilla May 11, 2011 at 11:34 am

Newt meets the weight requirements of a C-130.

V572..whatever May 11, 2011 at 11:36 am

Which are manufactured in his former district, no matter how much the Air Force doesn't want them. Lockheed Martin says, "Thank you, Newt!"

Lucidamente1 May 11, 2011 at 12:17 pm

I think blow up Turks and get buggered by trains is more Newt's style.

[redacted]hse May 12, 2011 at 12:23 am

Newt thought he wrote "Lady Chatterly's Lover."

OC_Snurf_Serf May 11, 2011 at 11:15 am

c'mon…Newt is a changed man, he's been married to his third wife 11 years now.

Terry May 11, 2011 at 11:18 am

She must have him followed or something. No, I bet its that he doesn't have the Congressional staffers to choose from.

SorosBot May 11, 2011 at 11:23 am

She hasn't gotten cancer or MS yet. As soon as she gets sick, however, it'll be out the door.

neiltheblaze May 11, 2011 at 11:34 am

Wouldn't it be a pisser if he got sick and she dumped HIM? Not that I sit around hoping for people to get sick or anything (OK – maybe Cheney) – but it would be justice of the poetic variety.

RadioGroundZero May 11, 2011 at 11:38 am

At least he has Medicare.

finallyhappy May 11, 2011 at 1:59 pm

I kind of think about heart attacks/strokes or overdoses for Limbaugh. unfortunately, it seems bad things don't happen to bad people as I could wish.

mrblifil May 11, 2011 at 11:22 am

She should not have that mole checked until after November 2012.

Biel_ze_Bubba May 11, 2011 at 5:04 pm

She'd better hope his model is T.E. Lawrence, and not, say, Henry VIII.

DaSandman May 11, 2011 at 11:15 am

And he'll be out and about in our great nation, sampling the local harvest of amoral slightly vacuous bottle blondes.

A quick hummer on the bus is a win in the Salamander's book.

memzilla May 11, 2011 at 11:16 am

I would like to see Newt enter the race… specifically, the Indy 500… on foot.

nounverb911 May 11, 2011 at 11:16 am

Since when are lizards allowed to run for office?

Arken May 11, 2011 at 11:24 am

Newts are amphibians, not lizards (which are reptiles).

It's never too late to learn!

poncho_pilot May 11, 2011 at 12:07 pm

he wasn't born in the US, he was hatched! from wikipedia (sounds like the bastard):

"After hatching they eat algae, small invertebrates or other tadpoles."

nounverb911 May 11, 2011 at 11:17 am

"Exploratory Committee" sounds like an alien abduction.

BlueMonkeh May 11, 2011 at 1:20 pm

I'd like to think there will be some uncomfortable probing involved for him.

SnarkoMarx May 11, 2011 at 11:17 am

I always thought Newt was a little more Mussolini-ish.

Frost/Nixon/Robocop May 11, 2011 at 11:17 am

You know who else returned to power after an attempted government shutdown aka putsch?

nounverb911 May 11, 2011 at 11:20 am

Napoleon?

elviouslyqueer May 11, 2011 at 11:22 am

Moses?

Geminisunmars May 11, 2011 at 11:24 am

Jay Leno?

baconzgood May 11, 2011 at 11:24 am

Hugo Chavez?

poncho_pilot May 11, 2011 at 12:09 pm

isn't he that Mexican Porn Star?

Arken May 11, 2011 at 11:24 am

You know who else posts this same joke in every single Wonkette comments section?

nounverb911 May 11, 2011 at 11:35 am

All of them, Katie.

HELisforHEL May 11, 2011 at 12:17 pm

And we have a winner.

Lascauxcaveman May 11, 2011 at 1:38 pm

Cleopatra?

Gleem_McShineys May 11, 2011 at 2:43 pm

Not Hitler.

Veritas78 May 11, 2011 at 7:01 pm

And it's STILL the funniest joke on the site. I get the giggles every time!

BaldarTFlagass May 11, 2011 at 11:26 am

King Charles I of England? Oh wait, he was beheaded.

jakegittes May 11, 2011 at 11:41 am

Schwarzenegger?

Rosie_Scenario May 11, 2011 at 12:07 pm

Richard M. Nixon. And that turned out well.

GOPCrusher May 11, 2011 at 1:29 pm

Daniel Ortega?

Biel_ze_Bubba May 11, 2011 at 5:08 pm

The Thetans? (They've already got Hollywood.)

baconzgood May 11, 2011 at 11:17 am

Unrelated to this post. We have a few of these here in my city.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Toynbee_tiles

That is all I know about Toynbee.

James Michael Curley May 11, 2011 at 12:05 pm

For years I have thought that the Newt's current wife looked like the Stewardesses on 2001: A Space Odyssey.

HempDogbane May 11, 2011 at 11:18 am

When I hear "romantic narrative" I can't help but think of Newt.

mereoblivion May 11, 2011 at 12:18 pm

Interesting. "Romantic narrative" usually puts me in mind of one of the other Aquatic Salamanders, but y'kno, different strokes . . .

BaldarTFlagass May 11, 2011 at 11:18 am

This De Gaulle guy, if I recall correctly, was, uh, French? That oughtta go over real well with his "base."

vodkamuppet May 11, 2011 at 11:28 am

Yes but he was also a Nazi collaborator so the French part doesn't matter.

GOPCrusher May 11, 2011 at 1:32 pm

And he wasn't in charge of France in May 1940. I wonder if this Newt character knows anything about history?

vodkamuppet May 11, 2011 at 5:28 pm

Also, too.

tiredalways May 11, 2011 at 11:19 am

This is definitely bad news for Herman Cain.

nounverb911 May 11, 2011 at 11:23 am

Cain can always go back to delivering pizzas for tips.

DerrickWildcat May 11, 2011 at 11:19 am

Although Newt avoided the draft, he still feels a deep connection with historical Military heroes.

nounverb911 May 11, 2011 at 11:24 am

Benedict Arnold?

RadioGroundZero May 11, 2011 at 11:41 am

Sepp Dietrich?

BaldarTFlagass May 11, 2011 at 11:44 am

Otto Skorzeny?

Slim_Pickins May 11, 2011 at 12:51 pm

Worse, the American traitors, RE Lee et al.

GOPCrusher May 11, 2011 at 1:33 pm

Vidkun Quisling?

freakishlywrong May 11, 2011 at 11:19 am

Wow. The Conservatards must have really perfected rigging elections in 2010 if ole' Newtie thinks he's got even a wisp of a chance. Koch and Rove must have assured him they've got a little something up their sleeves. This cowardly fuckwit would never put his goiter of a head on the line if not.

Biel_ze_Bubba May 11, 2011 at 3:49 pm

Newt has figured out that the GOP primaries are fantastic free (to him) publicity, and are great groundwork for a career writing books, giving speeches, and starring on "reality" TV. (See Trump, Donald) (See Palin, Any)

mrblifil May 11, 2011 at 11:20 am

You heard it here first. The world is not prepared to encounter just how corpulent Newt is. He's as fat as Huckabee used to be. I don't say this with judgement, I'm just saying that people don't generally regard him as morbidly obese, when in fact he is. His entire media career is conducted north of his sternum. But in a Presidential campaign, there's nowhere to run, nowhere to hide. I predict he will drop out by South Carolina.

Texan_Bulldog May 11, 2011 at 11:22 am

I say the free food candidates have to eat at all those festivals and carnivals is the only reason Newt is running.

GOPCrusher May 11, 2011 at 1:35 pm

Maybe he will have a massive heart attack in front of the Turkey Leg and Funnel Cake concession stand at the Iowa State Fair?

James Michael Curley May 11, 2011 at 12:07 pm

Then the Repubs will draft Chris Christie who will eat South Carolina.

HELisforHEL May 11, 2011 at 12:18 pm

That wouldn't be a bad thing, really.

Gleem_McShineys May 11, 2011 at 2:59 pm

But likely, he'll poop out something WORSE. Think on that.

WriteyWriterton May 11, 2011 at 3:10 pm

Sharron Angle?

mog253 May 11, 2011 at 12:07 pm

As a person of girth, I agree, this country won't sit still for a fat guy. Or stand up for that matter.

Biel_ze_Bubba May 11, 2011 at 5:23 pm

Who knows – with 1/3 of Americans already larded up, he might actually have quite a large constituency. (To match his lardish consistency.)

mog253 May 11, 2011 at 5:36 pm

I'm only lardish on my father's side, but I wouldn't vote for him.

Rosie_Scenario May 11, 2011 at 12:12 pm

Not to praise Newt or anything, but I happened to see him in a hotel lobby while in San Diego in December. Took me a moment to recognize him and I was surprised that he seemed about average height and girth (U.S. American average.). Fairly ordinary over all. Just that familiar face.

mrblifil May 11, 2011 at 12:23 pm

Well I saw him less recently than that, so he must be into some major binge and purge activity. I saw him outside Fox News HQ on Ave. of the Americas, and he had the proportions of a Weeble, or someone wearing a hoop skirt. His waistline was massively immense. He was easily over 300 lbs.

bumfug May 11, 2011 at 11:20 am

You know who else traveled the country? Caine from Kung Fu, that's who.

DonnyKerabotsos May 11, 2011 at 11:33 am

Or as Vince Vega said in Pulp Fiction, "It's called being a bum."

Worthly[♬♪♬♪♫♪♬]Skum May 11, 2011 at 12:27 pm

I wish Newt all the success of David Carradine – erotically, anyway.

Gleem_McShineys May 11, 2011 at 3:05 pm

Oh SNAP! (as in the sound of a rope)

OC_Snurf_Serf May 11, 2011 at 11:21 am

…fuck, just preparing to announce you may be considering a committee to investigate a possible run for president is now an actual full-time Republican career.

nounverb911 May 11, 2011 at 11:21 am

Nikola Tesla?

Eve8Apples May 11, 2011 at 11:21 am

Regarding the picture and the alt text

Newt/Pussy 2012

CliveWarren May 11, 2011 at 11:22 am

De Gaulle?

More like The Ghoul…

mrblifil May 11, 2011 at 11:22 am

Wow, Newt's admiration for Al Gore must know no bounds…

Arken May 11, 2011 at 11:23 am

I want to see Newt with a cute little moustache like De Gaulle.

poncho_pilot May 11, 2011 at 12:16 pm

you know who else had a cute little mustache?

BlueMonkeh May 11, 2011 at 1:26 pm

Don Corleone's mother?

GOPCrusher May 11, 2011 at 1:37 pm

Ann Coulter before laser treatments?

Lascauxcaveman May 11, 2011 at 2:06 pm

Charlie Chaplin?

Biel_ze_Bubba May 11, 2011 at 5:28 pm

Joe Stalin.

lulzmonger May 12, 2011 at 1:23 am

Christine O'Donnell?

fuflans May 11, 2011 at 11:23 am

oh bless his heart.

justkillmenow May 11, 2011 at 12:58 pm

That should be followed with something along the lines of 'he can't help it. He's been touched by the good Lord.'

Callyson May 11, 2011 at 11:23 am

One of Newt’s heroes, the French general and statesman Charles de Gaulle
Yesterday, it was his wife with the French horn, and now this. Je suis très bien amusé!

Lascauxcaveman May 11, 2011 at 2:07 pm

Now if it's revealed that he likes drawing crude pictures of wild animals on the sides of caves, he's got my vote.

Biel_ze_Bubba May 11, 2011 at 5:30 pm

"Yesterday, it was his wife with the French horn"
Tomorrow, it's Colonel Mustard with the candlestick.

BaldarTFlagass May 11, 2011 at 11:23 am

Maybe the history-repeating-itself trend will continue, but this time Michael Lonsdale won't get there in time to prevent Edward Fox from completing his ass-ass-ination task.

Sue4466 May 11, 2011 at 11:24 am

Ah, so leaving Congress in disgrace was all part of his plan to go and "better" himself with the Reese's peanut butter eggs?

Okay.

DashboardBuddha May 11, 2011 at 11:24 am

"Newt dressing up in De Gaulle’s French military uniform with the funny hat"

I don't think this one will be among Lizzie's fantasy repertoires.

Limeylizzie May 11, 2011 at 6:41 pm

Zut Alors!

LetUsBray May 11, 2011 at 11:24 am

Since the Newt is fond of quoting historians, I'll mention a favorite by Herodotus: "Look at that hideous blowhard engaged in a colossally self-indulgent waste of time."

Biel_ze_Bubba May 11, 2011 at 5:32 pm

It probably sounded much better in Greek.

BaldarTFlagass May 11, 2011 at 11:25 am

Winston Churchill? Two or three times?

SorosBot May 11, 2011 at 11:25 am

Newt wants to become President long after losing political office; so he's promising he'll be the new Nixon.

Geminisunmars May 11, 2011 at 11:26 am

Can't change the spots on that cat.

memzilla May 11, 2011 at 11:26 am

Better alt-text for the picture:

<–Cheetah | Cheater –>

SorosBot May 11, 2011 at 11:26 am

Dan Quayle?

Biel_ze_Bubba May 11, 2011 at 5:19 pm

Now the fun really begins: What question has Tesla, Churchill, and Quayle as answers?

[redacted]hse May 12, 2011 at 12:28 am

"What were you doing with that lady?"

Grief_Lessons May 11, 2011 at 11:27 am

The picture kind of looks Photoshopped, but why?

freakishlywrong May 11, 2011 at 11:27 am

Was Charles de Gaulle a thrice married disgraced former speaker and a shiester ? Cuz, if so, then, yeah, he's got a chance.

Not_So_Much May 11, 2011 at 11:28 am

So, if it *is* the Apocalypse and he wins office at age 69, he's for sure a two-termer, what with his high level of personal fitness and dedication to clean living, right?

elviouslyqueer May 11, 2011 at 11:28 am

It seems to me, though, that if Mr. Gingrich is looking for hopeful historical comparisons, the more apt one might be Richard Nixon. Unlike Mr. Reagan, who even in his lower moments retained a certain celebrity appeal, Mr. Nixon was humiliated and all but exiled after publicly self-destructing in 1962. He then retreated to the sidelines and watched as his party disintegrated, leaving a vacuum of leadership and gravitas on the right that enabled Mr. Nixon to make one of the great comebacks in political history.

Wow, Matt, really? Because we all know how splendidly the Nixon presidency turned out.

GOPCrusher May 11, 2011 at 1:40 pm

I think it says volumes, when someone looks back at the Nixon Administration as a high point of Republiklan history.

BaldarTFlagass May 11, 2011 at 11:29 am

"This matrimonial arrangement grows tiresome. Now is the part of the marriage where we cheat."

Troubledog May 11, 2011 at 11:29 am

Newt's got 99 problems and a running mate ain't one.

Dr_Zoidberg May 11, 2011 at 11:30 am

Why is he doing this? Does he think he really has a chance?

On the other hand….this will be good for the lulz.

lulzmonger May 12, 2011 at 1:29 am

I've already ordered a new fleet of Mongering Units & oh lord, those poor babies are gonna get so beat down in the next year … my hands are already literally smoking from rubbing them together in fiendish glee so hard.

DaRooster May 11, 2011 at 11:31 am

Newt/Diebold 2012!

Fuck.

fuflans May 11, 2011 at 11:31 am

when i think of important lessons from history i think:

those who do not learn the lessons of history are condemned to repeat them.

but maybe that's just me.

donner_froh May 11, 2011 at 11:32 am

Equating Ronnie Raygun with le grand Charles? Nice to know that Matt Bai is an idiot.

4TheTurnstiles May 11, 2011 at 11:34 am

Worst GOP hair since Jack Kemp.

metamarcisf May 11, 2011 at 11:35 am

So basically, Newt's role model was the Shah of Iran?

Papa_Uniform May 11, 2011 at 11:35 am

Newt's in? Great! What a motherlode of fuckwad.

neiltheblaze May 11, 2011 at 11:35 am

Pudgy dude won't make it past South Carolina – but I hope he does. I want him to waste as much $$$ as possible.

baconzgood May 11, 2011 at 11:36 am

Newt is like de Gaulle? I didn't know de Gaulle left his wife when she cancer.

KeepFnThatChicken May 11, 2011 at 11:40 am

Or the Winston Churchills and George Herbert Walker Bushes, who did some good things, then immensely fucked things up, and were told to get the fuck out.

BaldarTFlagass May 11, 2011 at 11:40 am

"That cat won't hunt."

BaldarTFlagass May 11, 2011 at 11:41 am

Maybe we can get the French to rename that cluster-fuck of an airport there in Paris after Gingrich.

cheetojeebus May 11, 2011 at 11:44 am

Hubris: Check
Looks like a pedophile: check
Morally bankrupt: check
Has a knack for fleecing the poorly educated: check
Momma's boy who never grew up: check
Fucker: check
Basically a failure: check

I smell success!

jodyleek May 11, 2011 at 11:45 am

I can't shake this scene from my head: Newt a la Benny Hill, chasing buxom blondes in red, white and blue micro-mini dresses. Yakkity Sax playing throughout, of course. But who shall play the tiny bald man he pats on the head?

gurukalehuru May 11, 2011 at 1:13 pm

That would be John McCain, I'm sure.

baconzgood May 11, 2011 at 11:45 am

Why couldn't have Newt been wearing Lady Gaga's meat dress when that photograph was taken.

iburl May 11, 2011 at 11:47 am

America yearns for your adulterous, pauper-throttling hand, our resplendent, chalky overlord!

RadioGroundZero May 11, 2011 at 11:47 am

Newt's got to work on his "Obama is weak and timid" schtick. (Don't they all?) But he's got the deficit all figured out: "Block grants for Medicaid!" And, obvsly, no taxes on the job creators.
Gingrich/Bolton '12

Geminisunmars May 11, 2011 at 11:48 am

It's not so much the joke, but the responses that are funny. Don't play if you no likey.

mourningnmerica May 11, 2011 at 11:49 am

2nd best photo ever on Wonkette, a close second behind Santorum family.

WhatTheHeck May 11, 2011 at 11:49 am

I don’t know if you guys realize I can predict the future, but I can.
Here’s how it unfolds:
Newt visits Nancy.
Newt visits Margaret Thatcher.
Newt visits israel.

Republicans make it easy for me to read the tea leaves.

mereoblivion May 11, 2011 at 12:22 pm

Somewhere in there:
Newt announces he is neotenic and will be reproducing before he achieves full metamorphosis.

Rotundo_ May 11, 2011 at 8:30 pm

Here's my best Carnac on this:

Nancy is busy that day, and all the other ones.

Margaret smiles and shits her Depends and drools while looking at him wondering what the nice fat man wants to give her.

Israel shines him up and treats him like a dignitary, 'cause you never know in american politics, like that Bush kid, oy…

Worthly[♬♪♬♪♫♪♬]Skum May 11, 2011 at 11:50 am

Alt-text s/b: Cat, Scat!

Slim_Pickins May 11, 2011 at 11:50 am

Name another "leader" that converted to catholicism while wandering in the dessert, or perhaps he was wandering among the deserts.

GOPCrusher May 11, 2011 at 1:43 pm

Emperor Constantine?

Slim_Pickins May 11, 2011 at 6:00 pm

Well Newt is a roamin' too, I guess.

whiterabid May 11, 2011 at 11:51 am

I listened to the White Album backwards and, surprisingly, came to the same conclusion as Newt. If Charles Manson isn't released and allowed to run, then Newt will definitely be the man.

prommie May 11, 2011 at 11:52 am

Walter Mitty asshole. Dude has quite the fantasy life, don't he? He is a "historian" the same way I am a "General" because I read some Tom Clancy weapons porn.

Chillwaver May 11, 2011 at 11:56 am

More like Flavor Flav's "Flavor of Love", except Newt is uglier.

hagajim May 11, 2011 at 11:58 am

Exploratory Committee? Is he exploring some new anus?

bureaucrap May 11, 2011 at 12:02 pm

I see Newt as more like one of the very late roman emperors, who thought himself upon coronation to be the apotheosis of history, until he was beheaded by the praetorian guard two weeks later.

joobajooba May 11, 2011 at 12:09 pm

Cheetahs nevah prosper

mereoblivion May 11, 2011 at 12:23 pm

Right on, daddy-o!

Rosie_Scenario May 11, 2011 at 12:13 pm

Do you think Newt will pose au naturel like DeGaulle did for that famous portrait? Let's hope not. Sorry no link, but I've seen it.

BZ1 May 11, 2011 at 12:16 pm

Newt: defined as a slimy salamander ('nther name for nutter?)

mereoblivion May 11, 2011 at 12:25 pm

Newt, channeling DeGaulle channeling Louis XV: Apres le deluge, all the newts come out.

Guppy06 May 11, 2011 at 12:29 pm

Newt in his natural environment: a cathouse.

owhatever May 11, 2011 at 1:07 pm

Smarter than Palin, fatter than Huckabee, more hair than Trump, older than sin, nuttier than a fruit cake and utterly disgraced. What else could the Republicans want in their candidate? Go, Noot.

DemonicRage May 11, 2011 at 1:08 pm

The time is so right for this square-faced man with a jowly chin to be President. Ever since his perceptive comment about Obama suffering from a Kenyan Colonialist outlook, I have been convinced that he really has his finger on the pulse of the nation, or maybe stuck in some other place.

BlueMonkeh May 11, 2011 at 1:25 pm

…for America. USA! USA! USA!

undeterredbyreality May 11, 2011 at 1:27 pm

I was listening to some NPR show this morning in which his history professor recalled how Newt's visit to some WWII bombing site with his dad affected him so much he decided to get into politics. So this de Gaulle fixation has been hanging around for a while.

ttommyunger May 11, 2011 at 1:34 pm

Ugh! The picture is nauseating. That is one ugly pussy. The Feline, on the other hand, is quite beautiful.

Schmegeg May 11, 2011 at 1:43 pm

Newton Leroy McPherson, This is Your Life! First, let's have a look at the birth certificate. Harrisburg?? I bet you really were born in France. Then, your military record (visiting the Verdun battlefield does not count. but de Gaulle did piss there at one point).

Then, the coup de grace, your marital record. More like Henry VIII (who regarded himself as King of France).

In conclusion, Newton McPherson is obviously a deep cover Frankish conspiracy to overthrow the USA and install a Catholic monarchy.

finallyhappy May 11, 2011 at 2:02 pm

It isn't funny?

user-of-owls May 11, 2011 at 3:14 pm

he may think he is the culmination of all of human history and see himself as a triumphant figure like Abdalá Bucaram.

p.s. His Wiki entry has scrubbed the part about him hosting a presidential dinner for the world's most famous Ecuadorian: Lorena Bobbit.

[redacted]hse May 11, 2011 at 3:37 pm

"…and it's just like every other day
That's ever been.."

Beck_is_Trig May 11, 2011 at 3:43 pm

Yes, but there is some critical information being ommitted from consideration: none of those other figures left their job in absolute disgrace before coming back as "conquering heroes" or whatever Newt fantasizes that he is, that egomaniacal obese little troll. Newt is more the equivolent of say, Peter III who was removed as Tsar because he spent his short time in power handing over Russian state power to a sworn enemy (Prussia) that he for some reason worshipped. Newt left under THAT kind of cloud being a serial adulterer who tore this country apart impeaching President Clinton for being what he, himself is thus proving not only is he a chubby and little narcisstic egomaniac, but that he has a host of ADDITIONAL mental problems that would be really fun to diagnose. Amiright, Psychwench?

Beck_is_Trig May 11, 2011 at 3:48 pm

I love the hilarious meme "Speaker Gingrich is an ideas guy" still being promulgated by wingnuts like slavemaster worshipper Joe Watkins. Dude, Newt hasn't had a government job or been considered an "ideas guy" on any forum aside from Rush and Hannity for like 12 years….it's as farcical as the grifters insistence on being called "governor" Palin. I mean, I played HS football and baseball like 10 years ago, I don't refer to myself when I meet people as a two sport athlete because that would be stupid. Wingnuts….I fucking hate them but I LOVE to laugh at them too.

glamourdammerung May 11, 2011 at 3:57 pm

So is a "reality show" in which Newt is scenically filmed inside other people's wives on the horizon?

Biel_ze_Bubba May 11, 2011 at 5:24 pm

Hmmm… I thought he was a black hole only in the intellectual sense.

Biel_ze_Bubba May 11, 2011 at 5:27 pm

So it's that "Think of England" thing, but American style?

widget2011 May 11, 2011 at 7:03 pm

Blah blah blah…..lower taxes….blh blah blah…..american ingenuity…….blah blah blah……personal responsibility…..blah blah blah…..muslin president…..blah blah, blah……ownership society…….blah blah blah……fiscal responsibility…….blah blah blah……abortion…….blah blah blah…….new leadership…….blah blah blah……..privatize federal land……..blah blah blah…….lower taxes (for top 5 %)…..blah blah blah…..make america competetive again (lower wages)……blah blah blah…….. the bible says.

There, enough "Dog Whistles"?

DashboardBuddha May 11, 2011 at 7:30 pm

ouch…hahahaha…ouch….hahahaha

[redacted]hse May 12, 2011 at 12:30 am

Will I be safe in culottes? That's all.

user-of-owls May 11, 2011 at 3:20 pm

Don't Asp, Don't Tell.

DashboardBuddha May 11, 2011 at 7:17 pm

I'm laughing so hard I'm going to have a Caesar

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