Newt Gingrich is temporarily quitting his dubious money-making schemes today to run for president, which will give him attention and help him make more cash when he returns to his important work mailing people’s pets “dog of the year” awards that require owners to send Newt $5,000 for a plaque. He will announce this the same way he sort of did, sort of didn’t, then sort of did again months ago: on the Facebook and the Twitter. And then he will go on Sean Hannity’s show to seal the deal with a kiss. Also, he may think he is the culmination of all of human history and see himself as a triumphant figure like Charles de Gaulle, of all people.
Is Matt Bai ever really right? Probably not. But what he writes sounds good to the kind of people who read the Times, and sometimes he is fun, like this:
Mr. Gingrich is a devotee of the historian Arnold J. Toynbee, who meditated on the concept of “departure and return” — the idea that great leaders have to leave (or be banished from) their kingdoms before they can better themselves and return as conquering heroes. One of Newt’s heroes, the French general and statesman Charles de Gaulle, embodies just this kind of romantic narrative, having spent 12 years out of power before returning to lead his country. So does Ronald Reagan, who traveled the country after losing his bid for the Republican nomination in 1976, then came roaring back to win it all four years later.
Like Mr. de Gaulle, Mr. Gingrich has been out of power for about 12 years. And if elected president, Mr. Gingrich, like Mr. Reagan, would be 69 when taking the oath of office. (Mr. de Gaulle was 68.) Coincidence? It might seem that way, but I’m guessing he sees something more portentous in the parallels.
Oh that Matt Bai, always guessing!
As delightful as it is to imagine Newt dressing up in De Gaulle’s French military uniform with the funny hat and playing with his zoo animal friends, we feel this is probably a reach. Newt Gingrich has reportedly read a lot of historians, not just this guy. And if you ask us, this is the historic figure Newt sees himself as: T.E. Lawrence. Or maybe that dog that was in the bin Laden raid? One of the two. [NYT]
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Ronnie may have had a whole host of issues but comparing him to Newt probably has him & Nancy rolling in their graves. What….Nancy isn't dead yet? Oops.
Oh she's dead, all right. At least that's what Frank Sinatra said….No, wait! He said she FUCKS like a dead woman, sorry, my bad.
But blows like an Oreck.
Must have been why Ronnie was so mellow.
Just because he posed for a picture with a Cat doesn't mean he's not a Catist.
Dog of the year…indeed.
what? he has a good relationship with "The Cats".
Don't Ask, Don't Tell repeal will be safe under our 45th president, then.
When he first came to power (back when most of you kids were still filling diapers) I told a friend of mine that "Newt will take care of Newt." I still feel that way. This will be the kamikaze of all presidential runs.
as long as it ends with Newt smashing head first into the deck of an aircraft carrier i'm all for it.
Mission Accomplished!
And by "kamikaze" I think you mean "fail to get much interest and just sort of fade away before the first primary."
He's the Fred Thompson of 2012! But grosser, somehow.
This is prolly Giuliani 08 redux, just sub Nevada for Florida.
If only he can somehow top McCain's "my fellow prisoners" … oh man … I'm getting all tingly just thinking about it.
YES HE CAN!
Newt's "Exploratory Committee" includes 10 potential new wives…
Like a cross between the Municipal Sewer Committee annual meeting and Temptation Island.
"And if you ask us, this is the historic figure Newt sees himself as: T.E. Lawrence."
So he's going to blow up trains and get buggered by Turks?
Well, hopefully he rides a motorcycle, anyway, so he could meet an early demise.
Don't forget, T.E. Lawrence also changed his name, left all the publicity behind and spent the rest of his life in intentional obscurity. I fully support Newt following his example.
And joined the RAF. Don't think Newt meets the weight requirements for the USAF (or age, for that matter).
Newt meets the weight requirements of a C-130.
Which are manufactured in his former district, no matter how much the Air Force doesn't want them. Lockheed Martin says, "Thank you, Newt!"
I think blow up Turks and get buggered by trains is more Newt's style.
Newt thought he wrote "Lady Chatterly's Lover."
c'mon…Newt is a changed man, he's been married to his third wife 11 years now.
She must have him followed or something. No, I bet its that he doesn't have the Congressional staffers to choose from.
She hasn't gotten cancer or MS yet. As soon as she gets sick, however, it'll be out the door.
Wouldn't it be a pisser if he got sick and she dumped HIM? Not that I sit around hoping for people to get sick or anything (OK – maybe Cheney) – but it would be justice of the poetic variety.
At least he has Medicare.
I kind of think about heart attacks/strokes or overdoses for Limbaugh. unfortunately, it seems bad things don't happen to bad people as I could wish.
She should not have that mole checked until after November 2012.
She'd better hope his model is T.E. Lawrence, and not, say, Henry VIII.
And he'll be out and about in our great nation, sampling the local harvest of amoral slightly vacuous bottle blondes.
A quick hummer on the bus is a win in the Salamander's book.
I would like to see Newt enter the race… specifically, the Indy 500… on foot.
Since when are lizards allowed to run for office?
Newts are amphibians, not lizards (which are reptiles).
It's never too late to learn!
he wasn't born in the US, he was hatched! from wikipedia (sounds like the bastard):
"After hatching they eat algae, small invertebrates or other tadpoles."
"Exploratory Committee" sounds like an alien abduction.
I'd like to think there will be some uncomfortable probing involved for him.
I always thought Newt was a little more Mussolini-ish.
You know who else returned to power after an attempted government shutdown aka putsch?
Napoleon?
Moses?
Jay Leno?
Hugo Chavez?
isn't he that Mexican Porn Star?
You know who else posts this same joke in every single Wonkette comments section?
All of them, Katie.
And we have a winner.
Cleopatra?
Not Hitler.
And it's STILL the funniest joke on the site. I get the giggles every time!
King Charles I of England? Oh wait, he was beheaded.
Schwarzenegger?
Richard M. Nixon. And that turned out well.
Daniel Ortega?
The Thetans? (They've already got Hollywood.)
Unrelated to this post. We have a few of these here in my city.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Toynbee_tiles
That is all I know about Toynbee.
For years I have thought that the Newt's current wife looked like the Stewardesses on 2001: A Space Odyssey.
When I hear "romantic narrative" I can't help but think of Newt.
Interesting. "Romantic narrative" usually puts me in mind of one of the other Aquatic Salamanders, but y'kno, different strokes . . .
This De Gaulle guy, if I recall correctly, was, uh, French? That oughtta go over real well with his "base."
Yes but he was also a Nazi collaborator so the French part doesn't matter.
And he wasn't in charge of France in May 1940. I wonder if this Newt character knows anything about history?
Also, too.
This is definitely bad news for Herman Cain.
Cain can always go back to delivering pizzas for tips.
Although Newt avoided the draft, he still feels a deep connection with historical Military heroes.
Benedict Arnold?
Sepp Dietrich?
Otto Skorzeny?
Worse, the American traitors, RE Lee et al.
Vidkun Quisling?
Wow. The Conservatards must have really perfected rigging elections in 2010 if ole' Newtie thinks he's got even a wisp of a chance. Koch and Rove must have assured him they've got a little something up their sleeves. This cowardly fuckwit would never put his goiter of a head on the line if not.
Newt has figured out that the GOP primaries are fantastic free (to him) publicity, and are great groundwork for a career writing books, giving speeches, and starring on "reality" TV. (See Trump, Donald) (See Palin, Any)
You heard it here first. The world is not prepared to encounter just how corpulent Newt is. He's as fat as Huckabee used to be. I don't say this with judgement, I'm just saying that people don't generally regard him as morbidly obese, when in fact he is. His entire media career is conducted north of his sternum. But in a Presidential campaign, there's nowhere to run, nowhere to hide. I predict he will drop out by South Carolina.
I say the free food candidates have to eat at all those festivals and carnivals is the only reason Newt is running.
Maybe he will have a massive heart attack in front of the Turkey Leg and Funnel Cake concession stand at the Iowa State Fair?
Then the Repubs will draft Chris Christie who will eat South Carolina.
That wouldn't be a bad thing, really.
But likely, he'll poop out something WORSE. Think on that.
Sharron Angle?
As a person of girth, I agree, this country won't sit still for a fat guy. Or stand up for that matter.
Who knows – with 1/3 of Americans already larded up, he might actually have quite a large constituency. (To match his lardish consistency.)
I'm only lardish on my father's side, but I wouldn't vote for him.
Not to praise Newt or anything, but I happened to see him in a hotel lobby while in San Diego in December. Took me a moment to recognize him and I was surprised that he seemed about average height and girth (U.S. American average.). Fairly ordinary over all. Just that familiar face.
Well I saw him less recently than that, so he must be into some major binge and purge activity. I saw him outside Fox News HQ on Ave. of the Americas, and he had the proportions of a Weeble, or someone wearing a hoop skirt. His waistline was massively immense. He was easily over 300 lbs.
You know who else traveled the country? Caine from Kung Fu, that's who.
Or as Vince Vega said in Pulp Fiction, "It's called being a bum."
I wish Newt all the success of David Carradine – erotically, anyway.
Oh SNAP! (as in the sound of a rope)
…fuck, just preparing to announce you may be considering a committee to investigate a possible run for president is now an actual full-time Republican career.
Nikola Tesla?
Regarding the picture and the alt text
Newt/Pussy 2012
De Gaulle?
More like The Ghoul…
Wow, Newt's admiration for Al Gore must know no bounds…
I want to see Newt with a cute little moustache like De Gaulle.
you know who else had a cute little mustache?
Don Corleone's mother?
Ann Coulter before laser treatments?
Charlie Chaplin?
Joe Stalin.
Christine O'Donnell?
oh bless his heart.
That should be followed with something along the lines of 'he can't help it. He's been touched by the good Lord.'
One of Newt’s heroes, the French general and statesman Charles de Gaulle
Yesterday, it was his wife with the French horn, and now this. Je suis très bien amusé!
Now if it's revealed that he likes drawing crude pictures of wild animals on the sides of caves, he's got my vote.
"Yesterday, it was his wife with the French horn"
Tomorrow, it's Colonel Mustard with the candlestick.
Maybe the history-repeating-itself trend will continue, but this time Michael Lonsdale won't get there in time to prevent Edward Fox from completing his ass-ass-ination task.
Ah, so leaving Congress in disgrace was all part of his plan to go and "better" himself with the Reese's peanut butter eggs?
Okay.
"Newt dressing up in De Gaulle’s French military uniform with the funny hat"
I don't think this one will be among Lizzie's fantasy repertoires.
Zut Alors!
Since the Newt is fond of quoting historians, I'll mention a favorite by Herodotus: "Look at that hideous blowhard engaged in a colossally self-indulgent waste of time."
It probably sounded much better in Greek.
Winston Churchill? Two or three times?
Newt wants to become President long after losing political office; so he's promising he'll be the new Nixon.
Can't change the spots on that cat.
Better alt-text for the picture:
<–Cheetah | Cheater –>
Dan Quayle?
Now the fun really begins: What question has Tesla, Churchill, and Quayle as answers?
"What were you doing with that lady?"
The picture kind of looks Photoshopped, but why?
Was Charles de Gaulle a thrice married disgraced former speaker and a shiester ? Cuz, if so, then, yeah, he's got a chance.
So, if it *is* the Apocalypse and he wins office at age 69, he's for sure a two-termer, what with his high level of personal fitness and dedication to clean living, right?
Wow, Matt, really? Because we all know how splendidly the Nixon presidency turned out.
I think it says volumes, when someone looks back at the Nixon Administration as a high point of Republiklan history.
"This matrimonial arrangement grows tiresome. Now is the part of the marriage where we cheat."
Newt's got 99 problems and a running mate ain't one.
Why is he doing this? Does he think he really has a chance?
On the other hand….this will be good for the lulz.
I've already ordered a new fleet of Mongering Units & oh lord, those poor babies are gonna get so beat down in the next year … my hands are already literally smoking from rubbing them together in fiendish glee so hard.
Newt/Diebold 2012!
Fuck.
when i think of important lessons from history i think:
those who do not learn the lessons of history are condemned to repeat them.
but maybe that's just me.
Equating Ronnie Raygun with le grand Charles? Nice to know that Matt Bai is an idiot.
Worst GOP hair since Jack Kemp.
So basically, Newt's role model was the Shah of Iran?
Newt's in? Great! What a motherlode of fuckwad.
Pudgy dude won't make it past South Carolina – but I hope he does. I want him to waste as much $$$ as possible.
Newt is like de Gaulle? I didn't know de Gaulle left his wife when she cancer.
Or the Winston Churchills and George Herbert Walker Bushes, who did some good things, then immensely fucked things up, and were told to get the fuck out.
"That cat won't hunt."
Maybe we can get the French to rename that cluster-fuck of an airport there in Paris after Gingrich.
Hubris: Check
Looks like a pedophile: check
Morally bankrupt: check
Has a knack for fleecing the poorly educated: check
Momma's boy who never grew up: check
Fucker: check
Basically a failure: check
I smell success!
I can't shake this scene from my head: Newt a la Benny Hill, chasing buxom blondes in red, white and blue micro-mini dresses. Yakkity Sax playing throughout, of course. But who shall play the tiny bald man he pats on the head?
That would be John McCain, I'm sure.
Why couldn't have Newt been wearing Lady Gaga's meat dress when that photograph was taken.
America yearns for your adulterous, pauper-throttling hand, our resplendent, chalky overlord!
Newt's got to work on his "Obama is weak and timid" schtick. (Don't they all?) But he's got the deficit all figured out: "Block grants for Medicaid!" And, obvsly, no taxes on the job creators.
Gingrich/Bolton '12
It's not so much the joke, but the responses that are funny. Don't play if you no likey.
2nd best photo ever on Wonkette, a close second behind Santorum family.
I don’t know if you guys realize I can predict the future, but I can.
Here’s how it unfolds:
Newt visits Nancy.
Newt visits Margaret Thatcher.
Newt visits israel.
Republicans make it easy for me to read the tea leaves.
Somewhere in there:
Newt announces he is neotenic and will be reproducing before he achieves full metamorphosis.
Here's my best Carnac on this:
Nancy is busy that day, and all the other ones.
Margaret smiles and shits her Depends and drools while looking at him wondering what the nice fat man wants to give her.
Israel shines him up and treats him like a dignitary, 'cause you never know in american politics, like that Bush kid, oy…
Alt-text s/b: Cat, Scat!
Name another "leader" that converted to catholicism while wandering in the dessert, or perhaps he was wandering among the deserts.
Emperor Constantine?
Well Newt is a roamin' too, I guess.
I listened to the White Album backwards and, surprisingly, came to the same conclusion as Newt. If Charles Manson isn't released and allowed to run, then Newt will definitely be the man.
Walter Mitty asshole. Dude has quite the fantasy life, don't he? He is a "historian" the same way I am a "General" because I read some Tom Clancy weapons porn.
More like Flavor Flav's "Flavor of Love", except Newt is uglier.
Exploratory Committee? Is he exploring some new anus?
I see Newt as more like one of the very late roman emperors, who thought himself upon coronation to be the apotheosis of history, until he was beheaded by the praetorian guard two weeks later.
Cheetahs nevah prosper
Right on, daddy-o!
Do you think Newt will pose au naturel like DeGaulle did for that famous portrait? Let's hope not. Sorry no link, but I've seen it.
Newt: defined as a slimy salamander ('nther name for nutter?)
Newt, channeling DeGaulle channeling Louis XV: Apres le deluge, all the newts come out.
Newt in his natural environment: a cathouse.
Smarter than Palin, fatter than Huckabee, more hair than Trump, older than sin, nuttier than a fruit cake and utterly disgraced. What else could the Republicans want in their candidate? Go, Noot.
The time is so right for this square-faced man with a jowly chin to be President. Ever since his perceptive comment about Obama suffering from a Kenyan Colonialist outlook, I have been convinced that he really has his finger on the pulse of the nation, or maybe stuck in some other place.
…for America. USA! USA! USA!
I was listening to some NPR show this morning in which his history professor recalled how Newt's visit to some WWII bombing site with his dad affected him so much he decided to get into politics. So this de Gaulle fixation has been hanging around for a while.
Ugh! The picture is nauseating. That is one ugly pussy. The Feline, on the other hand, is quite beautiful.
Newton Leroy McPherson, This is Your Life! First, let's have a look at the birth certificate. Harrisburg?? I bet you really were born in France. Then, your military record (visiting the Verdun battlefield does not count. but de Gaulle did piss there at one point).
Then, the coup de grace, your marital record. More like Henry VIII (who regarded himself as King of France).
In conclusion, Newton McPherson is obviously a deep cover Frankish conspiracy to overthrow the USA and install a Catholic monarchy.
It isn't funny?
he may think he is the culmination of all of human history and see himself as a triumphant figure like Abdalá Bucaram.
p.s. His Wiki entry has scrubbed the part about him hosting a presidential dinner for the world's most famous Ecuadorian: Lorena Bobbit.
"…and it's just like every other day
That's ever been.."
Yes, but there is some critical information being ommitted from consideration: none of those other figures left their job in absolute disgrace before coming back as "conquering heroes" or whatever Newt fantasizes that he is, that egomaniacal obese little troll. Newt is more the equivolent of say, Peter III who was removed as Tsar because he spent his short time in power handing over Russian state power to a sworn enemy (Prussia) that he for some reason worshipped. Newt left under THAT kind of cloud being a serial adulterer who tore this country apart impeaching President Clinton for being what he, himself is thus proving not only is he a chubby and little narcisstic egomaniac, but that he has a host of ADDITIONAL mental problems that would be really fun to diagnose. Amiright, Psychwench?
I love the hilarious meme "Speaker Gingrich is an ideas guy" still being promulgated by wingnuts like slavemaster worshipper Joe Watkins. Dude, Newt hasn't had a government job or been considered an "ideas guy" on any forum aside from Rush and Hannity for like 12 years….it's as farcical as the grifters insistence on being called "governor" Palin. I mean, I played HS football and baseball like 10 years ago, I don't refer to myself when I meet people as a two sport athlete because that would be stupid. Wingnuts….I fucking hate them but I LOVE to laugh at them too.
So is a "reality show" in which Newt is scenically filmed inside other people's wives on the horizon?
Hmmm… I thought he was a black hole only in the intellectual sense.
So it's that "Think of England" thing, but American style?
Blah blah blah…..lower taxes….blh blah blah…..american ingenuity…….blah blah blah……personal responsibility…..blah blah blah…..muslin president…..blah blah, blah……ownership society…….blah blah blah……fiscal responsibility…….blah blah blah……abortion…….blah blah blah…….new leadership…….blah blah blah……..privatize federal land……..blah blah blah…….lower taxes (for top 5 %)…..blah blah blah…..make america competetive again (lower wages)……blah blah blah…….. the bible says.
There, enough "Dog Whistles"?
ouch…hahahaha…ouch….hahahaha
Will I be safe in culottes? That's all.
Don't Asp, Don't Tell.
I'm laughing so hard I'm going to have a Caesar
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