Obama, Boehner Keep Fighting Over How Badly Boehner Will Beat Him

  it's morning in america

You crazy kids!

  • Here is what Congress is getting done these days: If Barack Obama wants to use the bathroom, he has to give House Republicans a spending cut they want. If Barack Obama wants to eat dinner with his family, he has to give House Republicans a spending cut they want. If Barack Obama wants to stop them passing a bill declaring white the official skin color of the United States, he has to give House Republicans a spending cut they want. Barack Obama can deliver great speeches about the debt, and he can kill all the Osama bin Ladens he wants, but it doesn’t matter. John Boehner will deliver inferior speeches based on glaring, elementary mistruths about the economy and still basically win. So how much is this debt ceiling thing going to cost Obama? [NYT]
  • Osama bin Laden’s glamorous head-shot head-shots will be shown to Congress’ intelligence and armed services committees. But every member of Congress is still planning on bragging that they’ve seen them, of course. “We can confirm that we are also the popular kids,” members who are not on those committees said. [CNN]
  • Osama bin Laden’s kids disagree with the murder of their father. Ugh, aren’t the families of murder victims the worst? Pound a beer with us, you pussies! [NYT]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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148 comments

  1. V572..whatever

    Ha ha, this is even better leverage than the budget. If the government defaults on its bond obligations, everyone can kiss their investments, 401(k)s, pensions, and civilized life goodbye. Luckily for us, rich people invest in government bonds too, so this is all theater. Enjoy!

    Oh, and Boehner doesn't have to tell the troof — he's the Speaker! It's in Article 49 of the Constitution, or maybe the 31st Amendment.

      1. Tundra Grifter

        Years ago, when a famous jazz musician was asked for a loan, he replied "Sorry, I can't help you. Right now all my money is tied up in cash."

        1. Gleem_McShineys

          Personally, I am going into the Hobo Bean Processing business.

          That is, eating them and turning them into poop behind bus stops and convenience store dumpsters.

          Profit???

    1. jaytingle

      I pity the poor dems in congress, and the senate, and the white house who stand by helplessly as the all powerful tea party pushes GOP congress members to pretend to want to undermine the soundness of the treasury. One might be forgiven for speculating that, perhaps, the dems have some unpopular budget cuts they would like to see happen.

    2. Dashboard_Jesus

      so in other words, Boner is a big fat, stupid, lying bully and if the skinny black kid don't give up his (our) lunch money then the Orange Oompa Loompa is gonna sit on him, and/ or cry like a baby til he does, WTF?

      I've never in my 50+ years felt that this country is so doomed, when the biggest moron ever to be Speaker of House (as far as I know) can *force* one of the smartest Presidents in our history to cave/ capitulate at the slightest threat of more weeping (wailing, gnashing of teeth, rending of garments, etc.) then we are well and truly fucked…the end

        1. Dashboard_Jesus

          I was talkin' morons only, looks like you're referring to run-o-the-mill douchebag/ criminal Speakers? hell those are a dime a dozen but at least most of them had half a brain, or were just plain mean/ ruthless…and Boner can't even do that, he's basically just a numbers runner

    3. deanbooth

      If the government defaults on its bond obligations, everyone can kiss their investments, 401(k)s, pensions, and civilized life goodbye.

      Why isn't Obama on the teevee every night saying this? In fact, twice a night.

    4. GOPCrusher

      I wonder what Speaker Drunky McNicotinestain will do, when the Chinese show up with a fistful of Treasuries, asking to cash out, and they want it in gold only?

      1. Dashboard_Jesus

        buy 'em a drink? round of golf? dangle some shiny Czech hookers in front of 'em? (works for the Donald every time!)

  2. OneDollarJuana

    It'll be patently obvious who has seen the photos. Most who have seen them will have an ashen, slightly green pallor. Others will have stiffies.

    1. CZL

      Sickened sense of the abhorrent, even if necessary, nature of violence for liberals; raging murder boners for conservatives! Everyone wins!

      /Don't blame me. I voted for Kodos.

    2. jaytingle

      One might expect the "liberals" to be sickened by the war porn, but it is likely that they will see the conservatives react and get sympathy erections. That's how the legislature always works.

  3. baconzgood

    "John Boehner will deliver inferior speeches based on glaring, elementary mistruths about the economy"

    This just in: No one hates cute fluffy long eared bunnies.

  4. LetUsBray

    Can't the prez just make that face at the Rethugs he made watching bin Laden getting capped? Surely that would result in a fair amount of pissing and crapping of pants.

    1. Terry

      No, because then the GOP would put the photo on signs, bill boards, and web sites with text that implies Obama is one of those scary black men who might attack you at any time.

      1. horsedreamer_1

        "When I'm at an Whole Foods, & I see the President of the United States in line one register over, I get nervous".

        – Juan Williams

        1. Terry

          If I saw the President of the United States in line at my local Whole Foods, I'd worry that his wife kicked him out for smoking in the Lincoln bedroom or something.

    1. JohnyEdge

      Of course surrender will be possible under some specific set of circumstances that neither Team 6 nor the House Republicans know.

  5. metamarcisf

    The billions in spending cuts that the House GOP does not want are related to tax breaks and givebacks for the oil companies who continue to rake in record profits while consumers spend more and more of their disposable income on gasoline. Let's hold their feet to the fire on this 'cause it will bite them in the ass.

    1. Boredw/Gravitas

      I just spent $50 to fill up my 2001 Chevy Malibu (yes, a 2001 Chevy Malibu, people. My daughter's college tuition isn't going to pay itself). I was also crying at the time.

      1. horsedreamer_1

        If not for the fact that my Hyundai Elantra pulls in such sweet, sweet tail, I'd junk it & take the bus. I spent 52$ filling it up two weeks ago.

      2. BaldarTFlagass

        75 bucks to fill my 10-year-old 5-series BMW. With a 75-mile roundtrip daily commute, that's 85 bucks a week. I joined a government-sponsored vanpool, so I'm saving around 350 a month, plus wear-and-tear, so I guess I will pretend that's the raise I didn't get in January as well as the raise I won't get next January.

      3. James Michael Curley

        I have a 1994 El Dorado. Everytime I fill the tank, I get a thank you note from the Saudis.

    2. Nothingisamiss

      I don't know which demoncrat party YOU belong to, but I have very little hope this will happen.

      (And yet I do hope.)

    3. Gleem_McShineys

      But giving free taxpayer money to subsidize the oil companies is the good kind of welfare! Mostly because it is completely invisible to your average FOX fan and teabagger!

      Besides, The Coloreds and The Poors have such a huge head start on being scapegoats. Changing the narrative now is just going to confuse people.

      No, stick to the script, buddy. All the problems we have aren't the piles of free taxpayer money being dumped on top of the oil companies' gigantic money mountains, it's really entirely all due to the handfuls of dollars that go to the peasanty beggars, trying to get them to simply stop doing those offensive things they always do, like starving to death, or expecting their children to be taught things.

    4. Beck_is_Trig

      Yes, I've always found it an incredibly convenient position of wingnuts to "oppose" direct subsidies and then when Demos try to eliminate them they pivot and call eliminating corporate welfare a "tax increase" even though corporate subsidies and taxes don't have much in common; taxes are collected independently of subsidies which are paid out regardless. A very convenient position indeed, fucking douchebags.

  6. user-of-owls

    If Barack Obama wants to use the bathroom …he should charge the cockpit and scream "allah-u-akbar."

  7. Weenus299

    So sic the Oompa Loompas on Boner, then pile into the Obama-vator, which'll bust through the ceiling and give you a stunning view of a small German town.

  8. BaldarTFlagass

    "Has to give the Republicans a spending cut they want."

    I can think of a few spending cuts they don't want. Like subsidies to wildly profitable oil companies.

  9. PuckStopsHere

    It is apparently easier, much easier, to find Osama Bin Laden than it is to find a republic representative with a brain. Or a heart.

      1. lulzmonger

        "There's no place like graft! There's no place like graft! There's no place like graft!"

  10. loulouroo

    Obama just needs to take a dump on the orange Boner's lawn. That'll teach him. Then show him the pictures of OBL and say "You're next, Bitch". Done.

  11. LabRodent

    "If Barack Obama wants to use the bathroom" he should go to the one marked Colored like all the other Negros.

  12. rhubarbpie2

    So I guess that "backbone" thing Obama developed when he killed that bad guy was just a temporary thing, huh? Too bad — I was beginning to like it. (Though I would have enjoyed a trial even more, to be honest. Bin Laden sitting in a cage forced to listen to a translation of his prosecution, especially in the sentencing phase, would have been a trip. Concluded by a bullet to his head, of course.)

      1. Terry

        The trial should have been held in The Hague, too, so the Europeans would have to pay for the circus or ask us very nicely in order to get us to pay.

    1. Boredw/Gravitas

      But but the US judicial system is too incompetent to hold trials for terrorists! We either have to shoot them in the head right away or keep them offshore for all eternity.

    1. charlesdegoal

      My aunt, who had married a German, died and was "buried" in the Baltic, somewhere off of Luebeck, between northern Germany and Denmark. Afterwards I received a notice from the funeral company inviting me to visit her "grave" on one of their periodic cruises to the site. Perhaps an enterprising person could offer that same service to wherever OBL was dumped, so that admirers could pay their respect and, alternatively, enemies could try and poke at the corpse with sticks.

  13. freakishlywrong

    This will all be patiently explained by a phalanx of right wingers and ex-Bush economists on all the Sunday shows, so U.S. of America understands why we have to keep shoveling all our monies at "the jawb creators".

    1. Gleem_McShineys

      "Patiently explained" not intended to be a literal statement.

      Explanations may include single sentences with only the latest Luntz buzzwords, and peanuts.

  14. user-of-owls

    OLD CONSERVATIVE MANTRA; We want to shrink the government so small that you could drown it in a bathtub.

    NEW CONSERVATIVE MANTRA; We want to shrink the government so small that you could drown it in a thimble.

    1. LetUsBray

      Or: We want to shrink the government so small that it'll fit inside your lady parts.

      1. widestanceroman

        We want to shrink the size of government so small it will fit inside Newt's d-hole (once we pry some skank mouth off it, that is).

    2. V572..whatever

      Essential functions of government, per the Conservative Agenda:

      (1) Keep the Browns out, except the ones that take care of my kids, house, lawn, etc. And don't let them get legal because, Christ, you'd have to give them workmans' comp'n'shit.

      (2) More wars all the time so my defense stocks go up, but my kids don't have to fight in 'em because, ew.

      (3) Lower funding for schools, health care, police, and parks because I don't use public schools or hospitals, hire my own security guards, and if I want a park I go to my place in the Caribbean, or Mexico, or Bali. There are a couple of others but I can't recall them right now.

      (4) Lower taxes! For freedom!

      1. Sparky_McGruff

        I think of the Republican platform as a Southern phrase I've heard on occasion: Fuck all y'all.

      2. SorosBot

        You forgot several important bits:

        5) Make sure that everyone only uses their genitals according to strict rules designed to make sure no-one ever enjoys their use but only uses them for baby-making.

        6) Make sure that bit of men's property call women don't get uppity and start thinking they are human beings with actual rights.

        7) Similarly, make sure that anyone who doesn't worship Jesus knows their place as inferior hell-bound heathens.

        1. elviouslyqueer

          Well, if you're going to talk about womynfolk, then surely you can't forget…

          8) Legally ensure that pregnant women have no say whatsoever over their bodies because, after all, every fetus is sacred and should be cared for, nurtured, and brought to term, regardless of whether or not the mother actually dies or contracts some horrible lifelong health issue as a result of bringing the precious angel in to the world.

          8b) Recognize that while every fetus is sacred, don't expect taxpayers to care for it after it gets shoved out of the womb. Because of too much taxes and smaller government.

        2. axmxz

          5) Make sure that everyone who is not a rich white man only uses their genitals according to strict rules designed to make sure no-one ever enjoys their use but only uses them for baby-making.

          Fixed.

    1. CapeClod

      They are however, intended to be the drunken ramblings of a man so cravenly afraid of losing his leadership position that he will make any promise he can think of to the dim, political amatuers who make up the house majority.

  15. Pragmatist2

    Osama's kids should be thankful that they won't have to attend any more of those awkward Thanksgiving dinners in Abbotabad, with the old and new wives glaring at each other, .Osama waxing nostalgic on the good old days pre-9/11 and trying to keep the kids from grabbing an AK-47

    1. PsycWench

      And you know at least one kid would have drunk too much "grape juice" and started sobbing about how Dad made him feel worthless that time he refused to shoot the neighbor's barking dog.

  16. mog253

    After reading Boehner's demands, I've taken to my room, no disturbances please and my lunch on a tray. I'm feeling sqlonklish.

      1. mog253

        How inconvenient! I hate it when that happens. We should get people to take care of it for us.

        1. DashboardBuddha

          On a positive note, my sweetie got a good grade in a very important glass and she's coming down tomorrow to celebrate. So, in summary:

          1. Work life: Sucks
          2. Political life: Sucks
          3. Personal Life: Not bad…pretty good actually.

          Number 3 trumps 2 and 1, so Wednesday FTW.

          1. freakishlywrong

            Safely say, Dashboard, that's probably the breakdown of all of here, at least, the "lucky" ones who have jawbs.

  17. SorosBot

    If the Republicans were so concerned about the debt, why didn't they do anything about it when they had both houses of Congress and the Presidency?

    1. freakishlywrong

      Silly Sorosbot, debt and deficit ONLY matter when there is a Demonrat President. Extra crazy budget cutting points if the POTUS is mixed race.

      1. Gleem_McShineys

        No, you see, inflating the debt, during their period at the helm of government, that was the second phase of the attack: Overburden the system with, oh, a couple of endless wars and other (planned) unavoidable expenses.
        The first attack was to cut government income via massive tax cuts, which just happened to really benefit the people with the most money.

        Then, you see, when everything goes to shit because there's no money, you can finally cut those poor scummy non-gentry folks off from all their measly benefits. As an added advantage, the man in the drivers' seat, (most likely from the other party) gets to take all the backlash for the hard decisions! I mean, totally look at his skin! IT IS DIFFERENT!

    2. widestanceroman

      We've seen what they do about deficit when they have both houses and the White House–rack it up to staggering levels so they have plenty to rail against when the other party takes the keys back.

    3. lulzmonger

      Now now. They did something about debt & deficits, alright.

      Besides: feeling up Angela Merkel, pardoning Scooter Libby, fucking up intel about impending terror attacks, fucking up their response to said attacks & going after the wrong guy for Amerithrax, huffing grade-A crank off toasters, fucking oil execs, outing Plame, fighting two useless wars on credit – obviously they were MUCH too busy to sully their precious minds with budget deficits that "don't matter" when the Inbreed Party is in the Ovoid Office.

  18. Captain_Quark

    It's all laid out in the Book of Revelations:

    6:6 And I beheld, and lo a black horse; and he that sat on him was a black dude with a fake birth certificate in his hand. And I heard a voice in the midst of the four beasts say, "Gotta cut the spending, cuz I'm your Boner and you do what I say!"

    End times are a comin' and there's a santorum-covered Boner to prove it.

  19. Mumbletypeg

    Boehner vowed to oppose all tax increases in the upcoming budget and said Congress should not increase the debt limit unless government spending is cut by trillions of dollars — the now standard bargaining positions of Congressional Republicans, reflecting the growing influence of the Tea Party within their caucus

    Trillions, teatards? Really.
    Couldn't the Tea Party become a bubble itself already, and burst? Pretty please?

    1. SorosBot

      The teabagger bubble has burst, except within the GOP; their vote to end Medicare (despite knowing that it would never pass the Senate, never mind that they couldn't override a veto) to appease the teabaggers has really pissed off the rest of the olds and, if the Democrats have a single ounce of sense, will be featured in the commercials for every house race in 2012.

      It's even turned a special election in deeply conservative district in upstate New York (the one vacated by the guy seeking an affair on Craigslist – who won by a margin of 48%) into a toss-up, because the GOP candidate said she would have voted for the Ryan budget to destroy Medikcare (this was all on Maddow the other night).

      1. GOPCrusher

        If Tim Kaine would have had sack enough to distribute the video of Joe Barton apologizing to Tony Heyward to every Democratic candidate to be run on a constant loop, before the 2010 elections, we wouldn't be in the spot we're in now.

  20. freakishlywrong

    I"m sorta enjoying the schadenfreude sandwich that is "Hell No!" Boner being smushed between Wall Street, who will simply not allow this threatened default, (and the Dems know it), and the teahadists who want to drown the Government in the bathtub. Actually, that's a true shit sandwich right there folks..

    1. Goonemeritus

      You sir are dead on right, lip service will be paid to yowling masses and Wall Street will write the policy.

    2. JohnyEdge

      I don't think that word means what you think it means. It's only schadenfreude when you watch other people suffer.

      When we're screwed too, it takes all the fun out of it.

  21. memzilla

    Attention Dem Staffers: Will someone please come up with a chart for all the times that Rethuglicans quote CBO statistics to justify their Class War Positions vs. the times they ignore and/or lie about CBO statistics?

    1. V572..whatever

      In accordance with the New Civility, they'll be castrated with a well-sharpened knife. No more bluntness!

  22. Callyson

    Obama, Boehner Keep Fighting Over How Badly Boehner Will Beat Him
    Actually, I hear Boneheader is willing to settle if Obama officially declares that the speaker's tan is darker than Obama's skin color.

  23. Bonzos_Bed_Time

    Yo dawg, we hear you like spending cuts… so we put spending cuts on yo spending cuts!

  24. Tundra Grifter

    The great Jim Hightower pointed out that "…a Republican plan to privatize Medicare will give future recipients the “same kinds of options” lawmakers have" is technically correct.

    Congress Critters pay a portion of their insurance and the Federal government pays for the rest. The GNoP Medicare plan provides for citizens to pay for part of the plan and the Federal government would pay for the rest.

    As to the portions each party pays – and the requisite income the citizen requires to make that payment – is quite another matter, indeed…

  25. donner_froh

    Obama should try descending to the level of Boehner and the Boyz for a while: "You don't want to raise the debt ceiling without spending cuts? Fine. Let's just fucking default on the 80 zillion in Treasury paper out there."

    We are all fucked anyway, might as well go out with a game of chicken.

  26. KeepFnThatChicken

    He has like, what… twenty children? Jesus, that's like a start-up. Don't cry because something doesn't go your way. Get back to work and compete, motherfuckers!

  27. prommie

    So, Obama's answer to the GOP jacking him up on the debt ceiling is going to be to show them some pictures of what can happen to someone who decides to fuck with a Chicago badass. Good strategy!

  28. BaldarTFlagass

    To the kids of OBL: tough titty. If you were so concerned about your pops getting a fair trial, you could have given to us the return address off the birthday cards he sent you and we would have quietly picked him up in a police cruiser and taken him to the Hague for the trial.

  29. donner_froh

    If a picture of a guy shot in the head isn't a classic head shot (the kind that aspiring actors use to accompany their resumes) is it still a head shot?

  30. MozakiBlocks

    The children whose folks died on 9/11 disagreed with their murders too fellas, so STFU…

  31. ttommyunger

    Congress and Barry can afford to have pissing contests about shit that will never happen since we have finally achieved full employment in America…..No, wait, what?

  32. MrFizzy

    The simple fact is that Boehner isn't too bright – very easily manipulated by the edumacated high-rollers because he wants to be in the club. W Jr.

  33. hilbillyheroine

    All Osama's wives and kids can kiss my American ass. IMHO, we shoulda shot the cunt shacking up with him in the head, too.

  34. DaSandman

    I dunno. I think Barry's laying a complicated trap. And the poor Weeping Tangerine is in no way shape or form a match for him.

    Think not? Ask OBL how it worked out for him.

    1. mrblifil

      Too true. When Barry's kicking back with his sunglasses smile and his "ain't no thang" attitude, his opponents might want to check to see if they are not in fact already dead.

    2. Beck_is_Trig

      Hah! Weeping Tangerine, that sounds like the kind of bar where that drunken overipe crying orange would spend his freetime

      1. V572..whatever

        She texted me from the Owner's Suite at the Wynn…said she had unlimited credit and five cabaña boys tending to her every need. She's already won $40 at keno.

  35. James Michael Curley

    If you can use 3/8ths Inch plasterboard, not too much. Check with your local Code Enforcement Bureau as to whether 3/4 Inch is required in your ceiling as that will more than double the cost. Avoid that stuff they are sending from China.

  36. mavenmaven

    The whole teabag thing is specifically not about reality, but about their outdated fantasy wishes, so it is is no surprise that their leadership would prefer to argue from their beliefs as opposed to arguing from facts.

  37. notreelyhelping

    Hmm. The Dow's off 70 points this morning. Isn't that interesting? If this trend continues, I suspect, at some point, Speaker Boehner will be ushered into a darkened executive office, where Ned Beatty will inform him that he has meddled with the primal forces of nature.

  38. BZ1

    Boner: "We owe them a humbler government…" following along with the teatards belief that gubments should be humbled…

  39. snoopyfan2010

    If Barack Obama wants to stop them passing a bill declaring ORANGE the official skin color of the United States, he has to give House Republicans a spending cut they want.

    FIXED

  40. Gleem_McShineys

    glaring, elementary mistruths about the economy

    "Mistruths," huh? That is a harsh word. Very very harsh.
    Tell you what: we won't raise the debt ceiling, until you change it to "differently intended statements."

  41. Beck_is_Trig

    I wonder if you're giving Obama more power than he actually has here. For one, this is a legislative problem, so all Obama can do is use the bully pulpit, he cannot pass legislation himself. This whole political routine is little more than making Obama take the fall for GOP intransigence when his own party legislators are the ones who make or break this one. It's actually farcical, constitutionally but that being said, Obama doesn't need to do a damn thing for these jackals, he could reverse this entire process by informing GOPers they can't get anything done, either…which since they are so horny for social Darwinism which keeps getting Koch-blocked, will give them raw blue balls over time. Still, I think Wisconsin and Michigan are going to provide the templates for upcoming national battles, especially if for once Democrats are willing to seize the momentum that is.

  42. Beck_is_Trig

    Oh, and Republicans will lift the debt ceiling because while they are both crazy and stupid they aren't THAT crazy and stupid yet; it's the same argument I use for Ahmadinajhad and the prospect of Iran using nuclear weapons. I mean, sure the Teabaggers in the House would GLADLY collapse this country for Social Darwinism, but their numbers are negligible and Boeher would be scared his alcohol might dry up if the US ceased to be (kind of ironic these same teabaggin' UBER patriots get upset when liberals don't get afraid of terrorists wanting to collapse America but I digress). This is just going to be more "tense" moments of thirty second sound bites, 11th hour meetings and accords yadda, yadda. Like I've said before, I wish someone like the voters would remind these assholes politics isn't supposed to be performance art; which until we remove the worst offenders will fall on deaf ears, anyway.

  43. anniegetyerfun

    Hey, Obama kids: if your daddy loves you, and is alive, he will give you a call, mmmkay?

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