Oh look, one of those basic cable reality-teevee families is getting another reality show. And we are posting it, because that is apparently what we do here, which is yet another reason why we are all washing our hands of this daily deluge of mental sewage and walking away, with a smile of relief on our faces and a song in our hearts. It is truly time to leave the Internet, isn’t it? Wouldn’t you rather be reading a nice book, outside on your “coffee break” or whatever? Wouldn’t it be fun to destroy your television with your computer?
We actually started this post with yet another screenshot of some cracker wingnut on Twitter threatening to kill President Obama and then dumping the slain president’s body at the site of the World Trade Center and then encouraging other wingnuts to visit the corpse and defecate on it. Honestly. But we are just too weary of this constant idiot nonsense. So, we pasted in this screenshot from the New York Times website, instead, about what’s her name, the cow-demon lady, and her teen-mom daughter. This is the soundtrack to the apocalypse.
Or not! You really can just walk away, from the Internet. If you’re using the Internet to escape an unpleasant reality during the daytime hours — a miserable job, for example — you can also quit your job, and spend those daylight hours doing something that makes you happy. Happy! There are many such things, depending on your tastes. We know, we know, there are not a lot of jobs out there, and this is maybe not a good time in World History to be seeking another one. Still, it’s not like you get another life. This is it. [New York Times]
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Will they stop the fuck of paying these half-wits. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Damn, why can only females have a money-baby????
Some people are candidates for artifical de-semination.
The Revolution will be Twittered.
The odd thing being, of course, that this ridiculous country has lost all contact with reality.
Sorry, can't watch this dreck, my teevee does not have a "Grift-O-Matic" setting.
Ron Popeil has got just the thing for you!
It somehow seems ironic to leave a comment to this post.
Another uplifting post from Captain Sunshine.
That cunt. 'S daughter.
Do it like the Icelandic people do , so she would be Bristol Cuntisdottir.
Or you could go Russian and it could be Bristol Kuntiskova
I never thought there would be a TV show that would make me long for the good old days of Paris Hilton, but this has got to be it.
Now THAT girl had some class. I mean, comparatively.
Isn't that the truth though? I get the same feeling about the Housewives or Mob Wives or basically any reality show out there. I think the difference between when Paris was out whoring around and now is that back then there was only a few dispicable useless socialites with TV shows, now everyone on television is a useless no-talent socialite that have never contributed anything to society. America has completely lost it's mind.
Have you forgotten "Jersey Shore"?
Like I have long said-
"You only live once… that you remember."
But if you work it right, once is enough.
I'm curious; what, exactly, do the Palins have to do with reality?
You have earned the lion's share of pee.
"…If you’re using the Internet to escape an unpleasant reality during the daytime hours — a miserable job, for example…"
Yep, some days a 3 martini lunch just don't cut it…
I read about this "reality" show yesterday. So she and baby Tractor or whatever are gonna shack up in LA with two brothers (one her former "dance" partner). So are they gay or what? Not that it matters – unless they're both straight – then she's shacking up with two horndog dudes. omg. Life is so tuff for a single mom. And what about the house in Arizona? So many questions, so little time to say who gives a fuck? Oh. haha! I just did.
Actually not her partner (I thought so to at first). But even better – it is two black dudes, one of whom used to be on something called "That's so Raven". So she's either shacking up with 2 black dudes looking to score tail, or she's shacking up with 2 gay black dudes looking to score ass. Either way, this is going to be ugly.
Sarah Palin asked Todd to pick up a couple selections in the Oh, My God! There's a Negro in My Daughter series so they can steel themselves for the inevitable.
That house is for Sarah, from which she can run for Senate; Jon Kyl's old seat.
So is this going to be a reality porn show?
Disconnect Twitter? Check.
Beard? Full and trimmed. Double-Check.
Bath? Check. Behind ears and everythang!
Blow up TV networks? Uh, I'll get to that one tomorrow…
Is this post, with its somewhat valedictory tone, another of the "surprises" Ken promised the other day?
…and spend those daylight hours doing something that makes you happy. Happy!
Come on, Ken. She bought a new chin, and this is how you show your appreciation??
~
There's nothing dripping from that new chin, and that's probably what kept her from making the cut.
This is why I refuse to have anything to do with reality.
Reality is a crutch for those who can't handle drugs.
Real Grifters of Maricopa.
Will she show us how they make meth at her palacial casa in Maricopa, AZ? I think they call it BristolMeth…
Bristol Blue Persuasion, according to Tommy James and the Shondells.
i think the Sex Bristols covered that one.
Get her a job with the Rand Paul campaign and she can do the Bristol Stomp!
Or is that what she was doing on DWTS?
Stomp? From what I gathered, I don't think she ever exerted that much energy.
UpBrists for All!
It's going to air on BIHO, The Ho-ography Channel?
If this gets her out of Arizona, I am all for it.
Yeah, but it puts her in SoCal, so I'm wondering why we never built the danged fence on our eastern border.
Here's hoping there's a weekly featurette called "Clubbing the Halibut", with guest stars like Joe Cocker, Lady Gaga and the other guy from Two and a Half Men
So Ken…..did Riley leave on his own…..or was he pushed? Because having a staff meeting like that every week or so would make me run like hell.
Was just thinking it must have been one hell of a staff meeting. Ow!
It had better be a reality show considering her acting 'talent' on Secret Life of the American Teenager.
I like the graphic just to the right of the second line of the hed, illustrating the contrast between the shapes of her "after" and "before" faces.
No–that's her boobs. That's next on the list.
That's the state of her pupils immediately after testing the latest batch of "product".
…and then television itself disappeared up its own asshole in a moronic singularity of incestuously recursive incestuous recursiveness.
Just by reading your post, I became my own aunt.
Teevee has sucked for a long time, eventually becoming a literal black hole of idiocy isn't really surprising.
metagoatse.cx
Why is sophistry always "rank?"
And redundant repetition.
Another cable show I'll blessedly never see, because I don't think cable is worth paying for. I am vindicated.
yes! i haven't had cable in twelve years. every now and then i'll catch a bit of a show at someone's house and realize why it's still not worth paying for.
I did that once when I was out of work, and found I liked it pretty well, stuck with for a year or 2 after I got a job. Downloading bootlegs was my fulltime job for a while.
Now, I'm at the opposite end, I've gotten soft and now have Dish with the full HBO 1-11 package, DVR, buying UFC fights like a dumbass. I tell myself it's to support the economy.
Keep fighting the good fight tho.
I have Cable, wifey pays for it. I too, will never see this show, though. Promise.
we are all washing our hands of this daily deluge of mental sewage and walking away
Mother of Mercy, is this the end of Rico?
Where's your Messiah NOW???
That's exactly what you said to Riley, ISN'T IT?!?!!!
Bristol Palin's Gay L.A. ?
Plus, the hilarious bit to me is they are giving her a job at a community organization "in need" so she has something to do during the day. What job skills does she have, exactly? Twat usage? Unsuccessful efforts at contraception? Dancing like a listing seacow?
Well, she emptied the til at her abstinence charity to the tune of $262K. I am sure she can bilk the fuck out of this place, too.
She probably did this lot out of well over $100K. Maybe more.
How do you pitch this?
pitcher: "Young mother with little education moves to LA with toddler son to work at some charity or other. Reality show."
studio: "Fuck off. Are you fucking mad?"
pitcher: "It's Bristol Palin"
studio: "Nine episodes with option to extend!"
What's the over/under on her getting knocked up before this time next year?
Get me a ticket to LA, I'll use my stunt dick to do the job, for America.
You, sir, are a true patriot. Be sure to recite the pledge and wear a flag pin as you do the dirty deed.
T
I dunno … 'Think of America' might not be enough to get me through it.
I wouldn't fuck Bristol with Martina Navratilova's dick.
God bless you, Mayor, taking one for the team.
*wipes away a tear*
"What's the over/under on her getting knocked up before this time next year? "
Make only buttsecks part of the contract.
Sir, I represent the United Federation of Listing Seacows. We plead you use another species to illuminate your points regarding Miss Bristol Palin.
We suggest: Listing Bristol Palin.
Oh, the Huge Manatee!
Bwahaha!
As I representative of the Drunken Tapirs on a Greased Basketball Court Guild, it needs to be made clear that the Guild would like to immediately distance itself from Ms Palin and will seek legal recompense should any comparison be made to our members.
"…comparison be made to our members…" Heh.
I thought that was lisping sea cow.
She's a community organizer? You know, like a small-town mayor… without any responsibility?
Aren't they against "community organizers" anyway?
Posts like this remind me why I divorced my TV. What that I could watch dreck like this, I would watch dreck like this, even if for a short while, and complain of its awfulness the entire time.
A lifetime wasted, one episode at a time.
I haven't had a television for a couple of years now and I don't watch shows like The Bachelor or When Animals Bite Grandmas anymore. Instead I stream Hoarders on Netflix, 'cuz I'm discerning and shit.
I visit with the actual set when I dust it off now and then, and am comforted by its cold dead stare.
i have not watched tv since the early 90's. i'm not kidding. we occasionally get series (deadwood, buffy, dr who, modern family) recommended by friends but no actual feed in this house.
i have not missed ANYTHING. and this was pre internet…
now, if i could only quit wonkette i could walk away from so much crap that makes me so angry…
It is shit like this that makes me want to secede from humanity.
Er, excuse me, but what exactly do the Wasilla Snowbillies have to do with reality?
Oh cheer up! The world's gonna end at 6pm on May 21. Even if they manage to get the show filmed and edited by then, we'll all be toast before prime time.
Now, now. They are saying Jesus is coming on that day. They never said the world was going to end. See, it's a tricky way out for them when it doesn't end . Then they just say "He IS here. He just hasn't revealed himself yet."
Jesus will take one look at this shit show and start some good old fashioned smotin'.
it occurs to me i have to go to a wedding on that day and i have a show.
huh.
Is that 6 pm EST, or GMT?
This is important – I got stuff to do that day!
Shoot, and darn, and fiddlesticks too (y'all). I was all set to type the wittiest comment in the anals of Wonkette when lo, one of the cats started hurling all over Christendom, Jewdom, Islamdom, and wherever. By the time I cleaned it all up, scrubbed my hands in boiling lye, and made him swear never to do it again, I plumb forgot what I had been all set to say. But it would have set the net ablaze with raucousity. Oh well, I'm going to hazard that we'll find more news of this perusasion tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow, so I may get another chance.
That comment sat there unmolested for 19 hours.
IN THE ANALS OF WONKETTE, PEOPLE!
This gives me hope. If Bristol can get a frickin' reality show, then my ambition to have a tv show about sobriety and sound work ethics isn't just a crazy dream.
Sort of the opposite of "Absolutely Fabulous"?
ha ha ha ha ha ha! Who would POSSIBLY want to watch THAT, let alone DO that? *sigh* (please kill me)
I'm still at a loss as to what this "sea cow" (as someone above so perfectly wrote) has done to deserve one minute of public attention. If all it takes is to have an out of wedlock baby, please sign my niece up. She needs work too.
Yeah, my idiot (not!) daughter is slaving away maintaining a 4.0 grad school gpa. I don't know where I went wrong. Oh, now I remember, I went to grad school also.
Sadly, it didn't occur to either of us to get ourselves knocked up out of wedlock.
Grad school the Path of Doom!
They can call it "American, Idle".
Oh man, that's beeyooteeful. I kneel to touch the hem of your raiment.
I bask in the glow of his radiance.
Poiny, you are sharp.
Point. Set. Touchdown!
The show will follow Bristol Palin "as she moves with her 2-year-old son to Los Angeles from Wasilla, Alaska, and works at a charity."
The only place this will be shown is in the dayrooms of institutions for the long-term criminally insane where it will be constantly.
Any institution where this is on constantly will become an institution for the criminally insane. (The very thought of this "show" has me ready to get up and go off the whole grifting lot of 'em, which I think would be the criminal part.)
I'm sure if things had gone differently, we'd be awaiting the premier of "That's So Sasha!"
But when will she quit the show? That's the real mark of a winner.
And people wonder why I watch and re-watch Pride and Prejudice.
Geez, you can't be my wife on Wonkette, are you?
Haha, Jane Austen fans don't get married!
Ha, ha, married for 28 years to the same guy- but not Steverino(my husband is cooking dinner – I can see him). I even took a 4 day trip sans husband to see Colin firth in a show in London.
My wife of 33 years watches that movie daily or so it seems (that or a Harry Potter flick). I don't think I've ever seen it from start to finish, myself.
By the way, what's for dinner?
Of course Sarah Palin is running. From the process-servers.
A girl with no education, no talent, no skills, no experience and no accomplishments manages to get a teevee production company to give her a pile of money and provide her with a pretend "job" and pretend "roommates" just so they can follow her around and film it.
Wow, the grift is strong in this one.
And now with more despair!
It's going to make Jersey Shore look practically inspired.
Another generation of Palins making a good living while contributing didley to the society they purport to love.
F ___ 'em.
Ken needs a reassurance hug.
Reassurance of what?
Beats me. You don't expect me to understand my own comments, do you?
What about all the prom queens that leave their babies in a dumpster? They need tee vee shows too.
Yes, yes they do.
Why don't you tell us all about it…
IN SONG??
Thanks Ken for giving me a mid-life crisis.. My so-called job is the only thing keeping me sober (well, at least 40 hours a week). Of course I want to disconnect. Fortunately, though, I don't watch TV. At least I have that.
Please don't dance any more….
This is surely one of the first signs of the coming apocalypse …
Bring it on, I say.
The new, improved Bristol Palin in a "reality" TV show.
I'd rather have my face gnawed off by rats then watch this show.
After ol' what's his name got whacked it sure was a nice break from these grifterbillies.
Winston Smith: "Do it to Bristol!"
"Just a little off the chin area, kthxbye!"
George Orwell would approve.
"Intellectual consistency"? Wuzzat?
See, Ken, this is what I was talking about when I told you you'd be responsible for Riley. Only it looks like he may have infected you!
These people (shaking head)…there's no bottom they can't find, and no dollar they can't lift. They are relentless.
Thank you again, Walnuts. Not that you'd notice or even care.
This show is going to be a big hit down at the Trailer Park.
What more can I say. Except… damn you, that person who ever invented tee vee.
TeeVee doesn't make monsters, John McCain (indirectly) makes monsters!
The Palins make Jersey Shore look like Masterpiece Theatre.
Get it? She's going to be a COMMUNITY ORGANIZER!!!!
To paraphrase Riley:
FUCK THE PALINS!
FUCK SQUIRMISH.
Like Mother, like daughter, Bristol's 15 minutes are so fucking up!!!!!
Most likely scenario: they hate us for our shit teevee, not our freedumbs.
I hear announcements like this and I feel like I could begin to understand the joys of self-detonation.
To quote David Cross, talking about terrorism and "The Simple Life" on FOX:
"Fuck, man, *I* hate our freedom! That's what we're gonna do with it?"
There's the less popular but completely accurate "they hate us for" reason, too:
People who are stomped by American-backed and American-controlled dictators and corporations justly hate American power.
Yes, but that one requires a basic understanding of human motivation or history or empathy or … aw fuck it. USA! USA! USA!
Next she runs for governor of California.
Yes, and now that you mention it, the incompetent lying bitch foisted her responsibilities off onto a newly created "city manager" position.
And then had the gall to sneer at someone who didn't abandon his actual responsibilities.
So I'm guessing it's got kind of a "Hee Haw/Jefferson's/Nip,Tuck" vibe going for it.
Save a wedge of that pie chart for Jerry Springer.
Bristol Palin's Arizona
To paraphrase the old Hollywood remark about sincerity, "Reality is everything. Once you can fake that, you have it made."
yes. and it still fills me with unspeakable rage.
thanks ken. (seriously).
i lost a $$$$ job i HATED and am again doing the (low paying) thing i love. it's good to remember that when i wake up at 3 am worrying about the mortgage…
course, we now routinely eat kraft cheddar explosions for dinner, but hey! there's always cheap booze…
And any patch of dirt around your lodgings can generate about 10 pounds of fresh tasty produce per week in exchange for a few dollars worth of seeds, composted kitchen scraps and a nice couple of hours a week working outside in the garden.
So what do we think, another abstinence charity? Or following the theme of "total lack of self-awareness", maybe an outreach program for people who can no longer afford their giant desert homes?
They're hoping some of Snookistol's mentally disabled fans might catch a science or space documentary.
I found the solution a long time ago: just TiVo Adult Swim cartoons and forget that the TV has channels.
The fact that Willow hasn't gotten pregnant yet makes me think the Palins have realized the gravy-train is approaching its last station. If they didn't, Willz would be with child, so the whole dang inhumane comedy could perpetuate itself.
Plans to fap tonight, then the Bristle Pix. Instant soft-on. I'm not sure Carmen Electra actually sitting on my face would resurrect the resulting turtle-head effect this clueless cunt has on me. (Whimper)
Happily, I finally realized, two or three months ago, that since I no longer have resident chilluns, I don't have any use for teevee, so I am disconnected. (I'll confess that I should have reached this apotheosis sooner, except for the Super Bowl).
And not a single fuck was given that day.
I didn't think they'd ever out-stupid Jersey Shore.
I was wrong.
I'm forcing my TV to wear a burqa.
(Actually, it hasn't been turned on since the Super Bowl, but just in case, you know?)
Everybody Sing! Hooooo-ray for Hollywood!
Eight or so years of living boob-tube-free & lovin' it.
HA! My legs have now atrophied to the point that I CAN'T walk away from the computer! I AM A WINRAR!
Besides, there's mega-fucktons of awesome smart content on the Interwebs. Yeah, Drudge, Gawker, WND & HuffPo get lots of hits. So does a crackhead with a shiny new stolen car.
I signed up for free cable right before 9/11 & thus got to see it live. At the end of the month when I told the company to cut it off, the lady on the phone reacted as if I'd just told her I anally raped her children. They then "accidentally" left it on for about another ten days until I again insisted that they turn off the spigot on their shit-funnel, & tried to bill me for it.
TeeVee stupefies, no matter how highbrow its content is – if I want a haze in my noggin, there's a cold beer-&-wine store a block away.
And speaking of Bristol & reality:
ANCHORAGE, Alaska—Bristol Palin admits her recent change in appearance was due to a procedure — but not plastic surgery.
The 20-year-old daughter of 2008 GOP vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin tells Us Weekly that she underwent corrective jaw surgery in December, a month after she finished third on ABC's "Dancing with the Stars." Her face now appears thinner, with higher cheekbones and an angular jaw.
The new look, complete with Palin losing 5 pounds, was unveiled April 30 at the White House Correspondents' Association dinner in Washington, D.C.
"Yes, it improved the way I look, but this surgery was necessary for medical reasons," she told the magazine for its May 23 issue, which will be on newsstands Friday.
Much like medical alcohol in a war zone. Or the Prohibition.
Did you hear? Bristol's going to be rooming with honest-to-goodness black people! Two brothers! No, not just those kind of "brothas", but biological brother brothas.
The Pale King is really good, Ken.
"Wed May 11, 2:42 am ET
ANCHORAGE, Alaska – Bristol Palin admits her recent change in appearance was due to a procedure — but not plastic surgery.
The 20-year-old daughter of 2008 GOP vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin tells Us Weekly that she underwent corrective jaw surgery in December, a month after she finished third on ABC's "Dancing with the Stars." Her face now appears thinner, with higher cheekbones and an angular jaw."
Miss Chokesondick apparently put her jaw out with all the cock-chugging for meth back in Wassilla.
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