Arab Guy On Plane Scaring Wingnuts Probably Just Needed To Pee Really Bad

by Jack Stuef 4:03 pm May 10, 2011

An update on the DOOR-KNOCKING TERROR IN THE SKY:

The man, Rageh Almurisi, 28, may have thought it was a rest room. “He’s not a terrorist, trust me,” said his cousin Rageh Almoraissi, 29, who owns a store in Vallejo, Calif. “You don’t knock on a door as a terrorist act. I think it was just a misunderstanding,” he added, saying that his cousin has a math degree and loves America.

Almurisi tried the handle of the locked cockpit, and when a flight attendant told him the bathroom was to his left, he rammed the door with his shoulder and “kept yelling and pushing,” according to an FBI affidavit.

Like all good, self-centered Americans, he was simply trying to get in there and piss on the pilot’s face for making the passengers wait on the tarmac so long before taking off.

Isn’t “Allahu Akbar” what you yell when you really have to piss and finally get the chance to do it? [NYDN]

59 comments 2149 Views

{ 59 comments }

deanbooth May 10, 2011 at 4:06 pm

"Allah wanna do is piss!"

horsedreamer_1 May 10, 2011 at 4:12 pm

This is why Sheryl Crow had to break it off with Lance Armstrong.

jus_wonderin May 10, 2011 at 4:14 pm

I think he was nuts to break it off with her.

Arken May 10, 2011 at 4:41 pm

He didn't have the balls to commit.

Texan_Bulldog May 10, 2011 at 6:00 pm: Maybe not, but it's a hell of a lot easier to ride a bike for days on end if you only have 1 testicle, eh? I call unfair advantage!

BerkeleyBear May 10, 2011 at 5:13 pm

If she really walks the walk on her TP issues (one square only), I might have had some issues with her.

Limeylizzie May 10, 2011 at 8:18 pm: Ewww. I am an over-wiper and proudly so.

elviouslyqueer May 10, 2011 at 4:23 pm

"Allah wanna do is ~~piss"~~ dance!"

V572..whatever May 10, 2011 at 5:50 pm: More like this, perhaps

Lionel[redacted]Esq May 10, 2011 at 4:09 pm

So, in the end, this was just a comment on modern air travel?

Lionel[redacted]Esq May 10, 2011 at 4:09 pm

And, can you imagine what would have happened if he had to shit?

jus_wonderin May 10, 2011 at 4:10 pm

Dude, there are other ways to avoid deep leg thrombosis.

ph7 May 10, 2011 at 4:11 pm

Rageh: "M'am, I need to piss with my cock. Where does this door lead?"
Stewardess: "The cock pit"
Rageh: "Perfect. Thank you"

iburl May 10, 2011 at 4:11 pm

"it's all ah gots to hold onna this poopbar!"

BaldarTFlagass May 10, 2011 at 4:17 pm

"The little squirrel is poking his head out of the knothole!!!"

jus_wonderin May 10, 2011 at 4:41 pm: In the past, we'd sing "I'm pokin' out a turtle head for you……."

nounverb911 May 10, 2011 at 4:12 pm

I hate it when the flight's on hold.

horsedreamer_1 May 10, 2011 at 4:13 pm

He figured he needed to use the other bathroom, as the first had a sign on the door saying, "For Qu'ranic Use Only".

nounverb911 May 10, 2011 at 4:15 pm

Didn't his parents teach him to pee in a bottle when he was a child stuck in traffic on the Long Island Expressway? (Oops wrong coast, the 405?)

Crank_Tango May 10, 2011 at 9:40 pm

I have successfully pissed in bottles while stuck in traffic, while driving, on the 90 in chicago and the 401 in toronto, and that toronto time I had to use multiple beer bottles, because I had drank multiple beers. the beer goes in, the piss goes out, you can't explain it.

ttommyunger May 10, 2011 at 10:31 pm: You should try a plastic newspaper sheath. It is no-spill guaranteed, since the dick goes all down into the sheath (like a huge rubber). Tie a knot in the top and it is sealed. If you feel perverse, you can fling in into an oncoming convertible just for grins. Just be sure to give it the balloon test first to check for holes. You're welcome.

memzilla May 10, 2011 at 4:15 pm

Maybe he was Palestinian, and he was just resigned to the inevitable "Occupied" sign.

BaldarTFlagass May 10, 2011 at 4:16 pm

piss on the pilot’s face for making the passengers [wait] on the tarmac so long before taking off.

In the pilot's defense, and according to a buddy of mine that flies for Delta, they only start getting paid once the cabin door closes, so they love delays once they've pulled back from the gate.

HELisforHEL May 10, 2011 at 4:31 pm

Besides the truly shitty salary they get to begin with. Me? I sorta figure if someone has the huge responsibility of piloting a gigantic tube filled with people through the air, I would like to think that they get paid well for it. But alas, they aren't. So yeah, they're as thrilled with modern air transportation as the rest of us. Capitalism at its best!

ttommyunger May 10, 2011 at 10:33 pm: Problem is, the Airlines figured out it is a "Buff" job, i.e. most guys would do it for free.

DaRooster May 10, 2011 at 4:16 pm

“He’s not a terrorist, trust me,” “You don’t knock on a door as a terrorist act. I think it was just a misunderstanding,”

Yeah "trust me" and "you don't knock"… How the fuck do YOU know you don't knock?!? You are under arrest for knowing that. Trust me?…HA!

BaldarTFlagass May 10, 2011 at 4:18 pm

I'll bet Pam Geller is really embarrassed and will post an apology forthwith.

nounverb911 May 10, 2011 at 4:20 pm: I'll bet Pam Geller is really embarrassed and will post an apology forthwith.

Pam Geller is really an embarrassment.

-Fixed-

hagajim May 10, 2011 at 4:21 pm

Allah Want is to give my pilot a golden shower!

WinterOuthouse May 10, 2011 at 4:27 pm

The man is obviously a terrist 'cause he's a republican.

ttommyunger May 10, 2011 at 10:37 pm: Welcome back!

MadBrahms May 10, 2011 at 4:28 pm

I know I've praised god when I've drained an over-full bladder, and I don't even believe in him half the time.

SorosBot May 10, 2011 at 4:29 pm

Somehow I don't think the paranoid bigots are going to have one bit of shame over this. Flying while brown is the new driving while black (not to say that driving while black is not still a source of harassment).

Arken May 10, 2011 at 4:45 pm: You have to have a sense of shame to feel it.

MinAgain May 10, 2011 at 4:29 pm

He should have just crapped on the flight attendant's cart, like a real disgruntled American.

nounverb911 May 10, 2011 at 4:30 pm

It would be fun to sit behind Pam Geller on a plane and have a discussion with my seat mate about terroir .

Gopherit May 10, 2011 at 4:37 pm

That's one sneaky ass terrorist, knocking on the door and all.

And, in all seriousness, with all of the USA! USA! chanting you'd think we'd see a little less of the pussification of America. Chill the fuck out, people.

MadBrahms May 10, 2011 at 4:41 pm: Terrorists are increasingly polite these days.

"I'm going to blow up this plane. Is everyone ok with that? Any objections? I mean, I don't want to impose."
Arken May 10, 2011 at 4:47 pm: I don't know, I think chanting USA! USA! when you didn't actually have anything to do with what happened is pretty pussified behavior.

sarjo May 10, 2011 at 4:41 pm

Knock-knock!
Who's there?
Rageh.
Rageh who?
Ragehgainst the machine, brothers!!

mumbly_joe May 10, 2011 at 4:49 pm

"has a math degree and loves America", plus "banging on the wrong door while raising voice inappropriately, without realizing that wingnuts go crazy whenever brown people do *anything* on a plane" = "has Asperger's". Calling it right now.

I can say these things, because, well. I have a pyschology degree, and love America.

prommie May 11, 2011 at 9:38 am

Ah yes, the new "get out of being as asshole free" card, aspergers syndrome. Don't mind that I am an asshole, I have aspergers, I work in IT and I am a Ron Paul supporter.

mumbly_joe May 11, 2011 at 10:26 am: Meh, as I intimated above, I'm an aspie too, and actually also an asshole, also, too, but for entirely different reasons. Aspies that wilfully don't put in the effort to develeop a modicum of social situational awareness give the rest of us a bad name, and cement the disorder's reputation as the excuse du jour, and just generally annoy the fuck out of me. It can be frustrating and mentally exhausting to process social issues intellectually instead of intuitively, but it's frankly necessary. Aspies who try, and just genuinely don't get it, I can understand and accept, though, and it's not really clear which one this guy is.

Also, there's really no excuse at all for being a Ron Paul supporter, Asperger's or otherwise. None.

Redhead May 10, 2011 at 5:02 pm

It wouldn't have mattered if he'd turned to the flight attendant and said, "Why thank you ma'am, I was rather confused" and then walked to the bathroom. He was brown – conservative old gramps would still shake in fear and refuse to ever fly again in the .5 years they have remaining.

ifthethunderdontgetya May 10, 2011 at 5:02 pm

Knock three times on the ceiling…
~

pinkocommi May 10, 2011 at 5:32 pm

". . . has a math degree and loves America."

Math degree? Sure. Love America? Sure. Both? You're lying. Anyone smart enough to get a math degree has to be pissed off with this reality-TV-for-and-about-losers, racist-conspiracy-theory-riddled, tax-the-workers-while-our-overlords-get-obscenely-richer sorry excuse for a country.

JustPixelz May 10, 2011 at 5:34 pm

I'm convinced this came from Al Queda's top planning office.
Step 1 : Knock on door, say "Pizza delivery" in Arabic ("alahu akbar with pepperoni")
Step 2 : If door doesn't open, try again using Domino's "shoulder technique"
This cannot fail.

BZ1 May 10, 2011 at 6:00 pm

Arab guy= Oga booga!

Doktor Zoom May 10, 2011 at 6:39 pm

Knocking on the door is still preferable to tapping your foot.

meufchelou May 10, 2011 at 7:41 pm

Man, I leave for a couple of hours and Jack steals my material!!!

fuflans May 10, 2011 at 8:01 pm

math degree? MATH DEGREE?!?!?!

please.

dude is obviously a terrorist.

ttommyunger May 10, 2011 at 10:41 pm

All of these non-stories about the Browns and Airplanes just really piss me off. The really dangerous dudes wear $5,000 suits and fly first class.

XOhioan May 10, 2011 at 10:57 pm

Shortly after 9/11, I rushed the restroom during takeoff and lived to tell the story. The plane pulled away from the gate at La Guardia and then sat on the tarmac for 20 fucking minutes while two Sam Adams consumed at the airport bar made their way to my bladder. We had strict orders to not get up until the seat belt sign was removed. Maybe it was because the lift jets sounded so much like running water…my bladder said it's own "Allahu Akbar," and self-pissing was clearly imminent. The flight crew were strapped in their little jump seats as I ran like a maniac down the aisle. "Are you ill, ma'am?" screamed one of them. "Yes, I'm pregnant," I lied. It was the only thing to say that would prevent arrest. I locked myself in the bathroom, and they shouted that I had to stay there until they told me otherwise. It is difficult to piss while sitting at a 45 degree angle, but entirely possible. Sweet Allah, the feeling of relief. Afterwards, the flight attendant who initially screamed at me gave me an entire gingerale. Pretending pregnancy is always worth it.