it's morning in america

U.S. Was Prepared To Fight Pakistan In Getting Bin Laden

  • Whoops, another war!Here’s some good news for ally relations: If Pakistan had noticed the U.S. troops entering Pakistan airspace to take out bin Laden in time and opened fire on them, as they likely would have, the U.S. was prepared to shoot back and send in reinforcements to fight the Pakistanis until bin Laden’s body was back in Afghanistan. “Some people may have assumed we could talk our way out of a jam, but given our difficult relationship with Pakistan right now, the president did not want to leave anything to chance,” somebody told the New York Times. But Pakistan is now letting the U.S. talk to the terrorism guy’s widows, hooray! BFFs! Blood brothers! Haha, remember when we almost tried to kill each other and go to war?! That was a crazy week ago! (Would that have been a war or a squirmish?) [NYT]
  • America has had about enough Donald Trump, who suddenly doesn’t seem to have any new ideas up his sleeve about how to get presidential election attention. The teevee ratings for his lemonade-stand competition thing fell 23% Sunday. Maybe Republicans were watching that because they wanted to elect someone called “NeNe Leakes” president? [Hollywood Reporter]
  • Erick Erickson will not vote for Jon/John Huntsman (Erick seems to be unsure how to spell?) because he was trying to run for president when he SHOULD have been keeping an eye on China, who were thus able to get their devious plots past him and will now explode all our fat bodies. [RedState]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef
What Others Are Reading

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

156 comments

  1. V572..whatever

    The gonorrheal drip of information about this great success is going to turn it into a monumental clusterfuck. Wouldn't it have been better to just have State email a press release saying, "Suspected terrorist Osama Bin Laden was found dead in a compound in some shithole called Abbotabad, Pakistan, on Sunday. No further details are available at this time."?

    1. proudgrampa

      Ha! You said "gonorrheal drip." Reminds me of Cheech and Chong: "Tired of the steady drip drip drip of gonorrhea? Well, 'Peter Rooter' may be just what you've been looking for. Peter Rooter, that's the name, you just flush those troubles down the drain."

      Good times.

  2. facehead

    If Trump hired Riley, I might give him some positive attention, or at least I'll stop crapping in the fountain at Trump Tower.

  3. jaytingle

    Couldn't Team 6 members just dress up like a production unit for some TLC docu-drag? Nobody would bother investigating that.

    1. SorosBot

      Well TLC giving the bin Ladens their own reality show would not have quite as offensive as their having already given one to the Palins.

      1. Serolf_Divad

        I can't wait for the episode where the Bin Ladins go visit the Palins and both discover that they had a lot more in common than they at first realized.

  4. Goonemeritus

    Trump just needs to stop taking the high road; maybe he should try some attack politics.

    1. JustPixelz

      There's always anchor baby Bobby Jindal and his "Birth Certificate". Claims he was born in the country of "Louisiana" which is kinda frenchy sounding. But his parents are from Indiana, so at least he doesn't have to argue with Oraly Titz about foreign-allegiance.

    2. elviouslyqueer

      I thought the same thing. Enough pussy-footing, Donald! This time it's PERSONAL.

  5. Texan_Bulldog

    Erick must not likey the Mormons, because I can't believe he'd be that upset about someone being disloyal to Barry.

    1. DustBowlBlues

      Loser retiree wonkeratti that I am, at least I can still take pride in the fact that I don't know who this Erick the Icky is and, if he writes something on the intertubes, have never read it. As old and arthritic as I am, it's one of the few things that keeps me going.

      PS When I said I had a granddaughter older the our dearly beloved, gone and soon to be forgotten Young Riley, I should have mentioned she's a step. "I'm not 70 nor trashy enough to have gotten knocked up in high school." (That's the title of my just completed memoir. The full two pages of the complete work will be available as soon as I get the mimeograph machine warmed up.)

      1. Limeylizzie

        I am the evil stepmother to twin girls and a boy who are only about 10 years younger than I am, so I suspect that both you and I hooked up with an oldster.

        1. DustBowlBlues

          Nah. The Old Man's only four years older, he was working in the Seattle Fire Dept and having kids while I was in college and taking drugs. I won that one.

          1. Limeylizzie

            Mine is 19 years older than I am and for a few , glorious months of the year , he is 20 years older, he was in college when I was born!

  6. Terry

    Wow, who'd have imagined Trump's ratings would fall because of this. You'd think the teabagger crowd he's been courting would be tuning in in droves. Maybe the time slot is bad. Does The Apprentice come on at the same time as Glenn Beck or midget wrestling?

    1. V572..whatever

      Or maybe on of those many shows about the many Kardashians and pathetic erstwhile Olympian Bruce Jenner? Same demographic, one imagines.

      1. James Michael Curley

        I saw a show about the Kardashians. They attack these guys who sit in very cushy chairs in front of this giant wide screen TV but all they ever see are stars and an occasional Skype Vidphone transmission.

    2. Texan_Bulldog

      My vote goes to WWE/WWF, any monster truck rally or one of those 'Living with a 600-lb Tumor' shows on TLC.

      1. Terry

        Bristol Palin would not appear on The Apprentice as it's too close to having to do actual work. That show she signed up to do just involves her walking around, then cashing a check.

        1. riverside68

          She done pretty good laying on her back, I don't know why she thinks walking around is going to be more lucrative for her.

  7. DaRooster

    "Pssst… hey Pakistan…we have something we really need to take care of… we're going to fly in and kill bin Laden. If you fire on us… um… we will kick your faces in."
    "Oh yeah, after we get him we WILL be talking to his wives."

    I'm thinking of all the presidents we've had… this one is the best in my life. Now we need to bring them all back… not the preznits… the troops.

      1. JustPixelz

        He's a badass because we succeeded. Otherwise he would have been they guy who started a war with Pakistan to invade an empty building.

  8. freakishlywrong

    While I always enjoy a good monkey blingee and accompanying alt-text, I'm feeling very "fuck this shithole" today. Just sayin.

  9. ifthethunderdontgetya

    U.S. Was Prepared To Fight Pakistan In Getting Bin Laden

    Maybe we should just stop sending them the $3.2 billion a year, since some of this goes to the Taliban, whom we then spend even more money and blood killing?

    Oh. War machine. Never mind, I was just being silly.
    ~

    1. SorosBot

      Did you really expect we could ever see an end to the power hungry sellin' soldiers in the human grocery store (ain't that fresh)? This is America! Oh, and thanks to Guns 'n Roses for one of the best anti-war songs ever.

      1. horsedreamer_1

        Do you mean "The Civil War" from the Use Yr Illusion two-disc set? (I only ask since honourary hipster Chuck Klosterman (he's too sincerely metal to be all that hip) expressed "The Civil War" is a parable of the last two decades of American policy in the Middle East.)

  10. ThundercatHo

    Of course we would/could/will go to war with Pakistan. They're brown furners, ain't they? Duh! Winning! USA!

    Does Jon/John wear magic underwear, too? If so, JonJohn/MittRom 2012!

    1. GOPCrusher

      JonJohn is already Dead Man Walking with Iowa Republiklans. He committed the cardinal sin of working for the Uppity Black Man in The White House.

  11. freakishlywrong

    Oh, and fucking Eric the fat? You'll vote for what ever candidate has an "R" after his/her name. Fuck, Obamar could switch parties and you un-principled hacks would vote for him.

      1. freakishlywrong

        I knew I was going get at least one of those. Point is, all they care about is the damn (R).

        1. horsedreamer_1

          He said as much to open the piece. Erik of Erik will vote for Huntsman in November 2012, if it comes to that — but he will do his best to keep that non-climate-change-denying plural-marrying candidate-in-exileChina from getting the nomination.

        2. LesBontemps

          Of course the point is the party. As the unwitting Teabagger tools of Koch Industries have ably demonstrated, the individual candidate is irrelevant; it is the policy agenda that is all-important: securing more wealth for the wealthy and punishing those who have made the poor decision to be brown and/or not pay proper homage to Space Zombie Jeebus.

  12. BaldarTFlagass

    Meh, we've got plenty of convenience store owners here to hold hostage if Pakistan wants to fuck with us.

    1. tiredalways

      Comments like this and I remember why the world hates us. We can't even differentiate between Indian/Pakistani/Bangladeshi/Nepali. Apparently, they are all brown furriner for us to use as hostages.

      And I know Baldar, that you were Snarking(TM) ~ I just feel sad about this whole war business.

      1. Texan_Bulldog

        You seem like a nice person, but you might be a little TOO nice, sensitive and politically correct for the Wonkette. The only things sacred to us are drinking, making fun of people (ALL people), and our left-leaning libtard views. That being said, lighten up & enjoy the ride!

        1. Lascauxcaveman

          In fairness, using the term "libtard views" means we are making fun of them, too.

          (butsecks)

        2. DaRooster

          This is like my home away from home… or… at home too.
          Some of the posts that I second guessed and thought,"Maybe not" got the best responses… I have long ripped on pretty much everything and am quite sick of this PC crap… it is a big reason we are a nation of mamby pamby babies and our kids cannot/will not achieve much at all… I LOVE IT HERE!

  13. Monsieur_Grumpe

    What the hell does an attention whore do when no one is paying attention to them?
    Say something incredibly outrageous?
    Make up new words?
    Reality show?
    Announce an exploratory committee for a run for president?

    These have all been done.
    About the only thing left for Donald is a suicide attempt.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      Maybe he could come with some stunt in collaboration with a men's hair care products firm; I'm thinking along the lines of when Gillette or someone tried to get Billy Gibbons and Dusty Hill from ZZ Top to shave their beards off.

    2. Texan_Bulldog

      "About the only thing left for Donald is a suicide attempt."

      Not if Snowbilly tries it first since they appear to be in the same boat.

    3. CapeClod

      He could adopt a black child to prove once and for all that he is the least racist person possible.

      1. Texan_Bulldog

        Don't give him any ideas. I imagine most black kids would prefer foster care to 5 minutes with the Donald asking 'what's up with your hair?' and 'can you teach me how to dance?'

    1. SorosBot

      Someone should also tell Bristol that plastic surgery is meant to make you look better, not uglier; that new chin is hideous.

      1. Texan_Bulldog

        Nice to see her putting all that abstinence talk show circus money to good use. Ughh….curse you, again, John McCain!

    2. Mumbletypeg

      Bio, more formally known as the Biography Channel, is home to "The Chris Isaak Hour"

      What a wicked thing to do/ Perpetuate my nightmares of you
      and your self-ingratiating kin. I'd be so grateful never to hear the name "Palin" again.

    3. elviouslyqueer

      The documentary series — 10 half-hour episodes — will follow mother and child as they move to L.A. and work for a small charity.

      Self-promoting Sluts for Jeebus?

      1. SorosBot

        Well she's already working for the one "charity" that's supposed to promote slut-shaming but only spends a tiny portion of its' donations on actual charity work.

    4. horsedreamer_1

      "I haven't checked her out, so I really wouldn't know," Levi Johnston told RumorFix. "Go on and do your thing, girl, 'cause I'm over it".

      Don't ever change, Levi.

  14. DustBowlBlues

    Opium War, anybody? And while we're on the subject, send some my way when we win, 'kay, sexy Team 6?

  15. Captain_Quark

    Pakistan! Come for the terrorist mastermind, stay for some curry and a firefight!

    I think we have a tourism slogan here. Pakistan is certainly on my short list of vacation spots.

    1. jqheywood

      Of course, the unofficial motto of the Corps is:

      "Join the Marines, travel to exotic places, meet interesting and unusual people, and kill them."

      So there might be some synergy…

  16. CapeClod

    Good thing we decided to attack just when Electronic Arts released the latest version of "Cricket: World Cup." The entire Pakistan Army must have been locked to their controlers and zoning out on their TV screens.

  17. neiltheblaze

    Pakistan will play ball as long as there's India. In fact, I'm not convinced that some in the government did know about it, and kept quiet. They'll act all outraged for awhile and everything – but they're happy to be rid of Bin Laden too.

    So – Donald's ratings gambit fail is collapsing in on itself. A small bit of justice in an otherwise unjust world.

    Erik Erikson's pie hole needs more pie.

  18. tiredalways

    Ahhh, looks like this is going to be the thread where I have to fight my fellow wonkettees for the use of words ..Pakis is very derogatory term used by British.

    1. SorosBot

      Differences in offensiveness across the pond are weird; I know a lot of Brits still use the offensive "oriental" for Asians and don't realize it's offensive.

    2. MrFizzy

      Meant only as a comment on the general stupidity of all involved – if it does not appear this way I will take it down, no problem – don't want to offend my compatriot wonketters, though I'm not sure this is what your comment was about. I do think they deserve some insult at this point, given their apparent complicity in hiding OBL.

      1. tiredalways

        I am not offended at all. I guess, I just might need a break from all these craziness as somebody up thread pointed out I might be too nice for my own good :)

        Or I can just say 'TruckNutzzz' and let go of my sensitivity..

        1. DaRooster

          Just have a nappy… you seem tired always.

          (And no I am not knocking the hair of black girls… relax)

  19. baconzgood

    I had NeNe Leakes once. OMG it was soooo embarrassing. But the Dr. gave me some ointment and in two weeks it was gone.

  20. Poindexter718

    Under Sharia, if a country's sovereignty is violated, aren't it's neighbors supposed to stone it to death? India is ready to step up for that.

  21. MilwaukeeKent

    Even though the Blacks like the Donald (?), evidently even Republicans can't be fooled into thinking he's a serious candidate. Poor Donald!
    And hey Pakistan, what would YOU think if we were hosting your biggest enemy (India?) in a luxurious double-wide in the nearest trailer park to West Point?

  22. nicnack74

    Let's hear it for "frenemies". Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan ain't got nuthin on the Unites States and Pakistan.

  23. metamarcisf

    That editorial goatfuck in RedState yesterday was the stupidest thing I've read since Newt's Contract on America, lo those many years ago.

    1. El Pinche

      Remember , everything at RedState is written by man children.

      "I WONT VOTE FOR HUNTSMAN IF HE RUNS BECAUSE HE MAKES ME MAD BECAUSE HE'S NOT WATCHING CHINA. BUT I WILL VOTE FOR HIM IF HE RUNS FOR PRESIDENT BECAUSE OF NOBAMA. I LIKE SPIDERMAN AND YOOHOO MMMM TASTS GOOD." – Eric erikcson

  24. DustBowlBlues

    Imagine the glee of the speech writer who wrote the joke about choosing between meatloaf and ? being the kind of decision that would keep Barry up at night.

    The wicked, wicked, knife-through-the heart-of-that-loud-mouthed-pigfucker kind of glee.

  25. ManchuCandidate

    Jeez Ewick is sure scared of a lot of things including:
    The shifty eyed Slants/Gooks/yellow people
    Muslins
    Dustbunnies
    Light
    Diets
    Reality
    Loud Noises
    Shadow puppets

  26. nicnack74

    You know I am not a big Erick Erikson fan, but he actually has a point.

    "This is not about partisanship. This is not about Barack Obama. This is about the loyalty of an Ambassador of the United States of America plotting a challenge to the President of the United States while representing the United States to a foreign power."

    Never in my life would I have thought I would agree with that asshole.

    1. BeWoot

      I agreed with E Erickson that morning he woke up with a hangover and said, "I feel like shit." He is shit.

    2. Lascauxcaveman

      Meh. Erik Erickson making any lofty statements based on morals or principle is a bit of an eye roller. It's like, say, Bristol Palin lecturing on teen abstinence. (HA! That'd be a good one.)

    3. riverside68

      You know there is a school of thought that the only reason Huntsman was ambassador to China was to take him out of the running in 2012.

      As Mr. Limmey Lizzie says, Barak plays the long game.

      1. nicnack74

        I know. I'm just one of those losers who think you should honor the committment you have.

  27. fartknocker

    Note to Donald Trump: You're an asshole and fuck you.

    PS: In my house we always name our bowel movements after the person we think is the most hateful, obnoxious, incompassionate person of the moment. Last week it was Rick Santorum. Congratulation Donnie – when I take my next dump, it will be known as a "taking a Trump." It actually has a nice sound to it.

  28. donner_froh

    Killing and being killed by Pakistani soldiers while on the way to kill bin Laden is close to the perfect solution for both endless war and endlessly expanding profits for arms merchants. We shoot them with Amerikkkan made weapons while they shoot us with Amerikkkan made or financed weapons.

    A win/win.

  29. prommie

    Its time to toughen up and just lay it on the line, tell them, "no tickee, no laundry."

    1. jqheywood

      Hmmm, in authentic frontier jingoistic "chinaman" gibberish, wouldn't that be:
      "no tickee, no laundlee?

      1. WriteyWriterton

        I think it was "No tickee, no laundee." That's what my dim memory of what might have been the actual source dredges up to share with me conscious/stoopid mind.

  30. freakishlywrong

    By "shithole" I'm referring to the U.S of America as a whole. Wonkette without Riley is like a day with sunshine.

      1. riverside68

        Okay I am not following you anymore. I understand whining, nihilism and shit-poor judgement, but you lost me on the racist cartoonery charge. I assume that crit of Obama is not racism per se, and anyway that wasn't in the cartoon. Are monkeys racism per se? Monkeys with guns? Big eyed Japanese cartoon girls. Frogs in Santa suits?
        Do you care if anyone has any idea what you're talking about? If so can you help me out?

      2. Limeylizzie

        Hi Baby, I'm with you on this, but I had already got to the point where I rarely bother to read ANYTHING that Jack Stuef writes, he just irritates the shit out of me in 8 out of 10 posts.

    1. DustBowlBlues

      Nah. She'd be reading this in secret, of course, and laughing in that really sweet way she has when she knows a woman of the cloth shouldn't find something naughty so funny. I even say fuck around her when no one is listening. And she's the pastor who cost us some members and some money because she didn't hate the gayz.

  31. EatsBabyDingos

    Take me out with a drone plane
    Take me out with a gun
    I have nothing to worry about
    Here in old Packystan.

    Buy me a flatscreen
    And some tasty rocks
    I don't care
    Cause I still have my looks

    So its one, two, three airstrikes and I'm out
    At the Obama game

    OK that was sad. Downfisties for me until I get more upsmokies in the bong.

  32. RedneckMuslin

    "If he is the Republican nominee, I will vote for him"

    Erik will still vote for him even though Huntsman is unpatriotic and pretty much screamed treason.

    WTF?

    1. elviouslyqueer

      I noticed that too. But it's not exactly like Ewick's ever been the poster boy for credibility or consistency, unless we're talking about his unbridled hatred for Barry.

  33. horsedreamer_1

    If only Larry King were still around to prop up Trump like he did Perot. (Though, to be honest, Perot was a more serious (prospective) candidate ('til the CIA got to his daughter's wedding-planner)). I just don't see Piers Morgan being as keen on plumping for a plutocratic-wannabe.

      1. Lascauxcaveman

        And when I load up on white wine and cucumber sandwiches I can do a pretty good Kenny G.

  34. hagajim

    I think that we now know we could have marched a fucking brigade into Pakistan without them knowing…after all Bin Laden was there for five years and the dumbasses didn't seem to know shit.

    1. MissTaken

      I keep wondering if India sees some inspiration in this operation: "You mean we could just drop a shitload of soldiers in there, take out some key nuke targets, get out and have time to hit that lovely curry restaurant, you know the one with the extra yummy vindaloo, all before Pakistan has a clue we were ever even there?? Score!".

  35. unclejeems

    Pakistan should go on the road as the comedy team of Costellastan and Abbottabad. Might give us a laugh anyway for all the bling we're throwing at them.

  36. MadBrahms

    Meanwhile, India sits in the corner, wondering who they need to harbor just to get some love.

  37. ttommyunger

    "U.S. Was Prepared To Fight Pakistan In Getting Bin Laden." I would certainly hope so.

  38. lulzmonger

    Given the sophistication of 2011 USAF electronic warfare, I doubt those SEALs were fearing Pakistani "friendly fire."

    Best electronic warfare of the year = Obama pre-empting Trump's show right before Teh Big Reveal for his noscope headshot special announcement.

    Codename: OPERATION PIMPSLAP.

    Hey, The Donald, I hear Home Shopping Network is looking for someone to do their 2-8 AM slot on Tuesdays.

    YOU'RE HIRED!

Comments are closed.