american innovation

Finally, Truck Nutz and Scooters Unite

This is EXACTLY what George Washington's cock looked like.
We’ve made it to the mountaintop, dear readers. First there were Truck Nutz, the automotive accessory a certain segment of the electorate used to alert others to their tenuous hold on masculinity. Then arose the Scooter People, the Tea Party faithful who realized the greatest dream of humanity: using a motorized wheelchair to save their obese selves from ever again having to exert themselves by walking. For too long, these memes have charged on independently. But today, they unite, stronger together as one. Watch out, Obama. The scooters now have testicles.

'And I proudly stand up next to you and defend her still today'

Wonkette operative “Brain K.” documents history:

So I was walking around the Upper West Side yesterday near the the American Natural History Museum when this specimen emerged from one of the shops. The Hoveround nutz were brass and clanking against the metal in the back. This was as close as I could get before he sped off through the crowd.

American. Natural. History.

With Scooter Nutz riding along with them, is there anything the Teabaggers can’t accomplish? Yeah, changing the paradigm of American politics and getting their ideas turned into legislation. Probably that.

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef
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177 comments

  1. tiredalways

    And electing a president who killed America's # 1 enemy..And of course, spelling Morans correctly.

    1. WriteyWriterton

      I think we're long past the first sign. Look at last week's Republican "presidential-candidate" debate.

      We must be on about the lebenty-hundredth sign o' the apocalypse.

    2. Respitetini

      Yep. Says so right in Revelations: "Yea, verily, twelve days before they shall feel My wrath, the unholiest of signs shall meet, and of their union shall create Scooternutz."

      1. jus_wonderin

        And here I thought it would be something like a horrible plague or hordes of cock-a-roaches…not the hideous evil that is scooternutz!!!

  2. e_z

    Well of course they have testicles. It takes real balls to bitch about Gooberment Entitlement Progrms when you are sitting on your fat ass, zipping around on a circus car sized golfcart paid for by that self same Gooberment you are whineing about.

    1. V572..whatever

      We'll have to wait for that genius prose-stylist from the Guardian to weigh in on that one.

  3. tiredalways

    Looks like the troll-script is getting an email notification on new post because I was down to 0 in less than 2 seconds.

  4. x111e7thst

    This man is not fat enough to be a real Amerikkkan. And all the ScootNutz on earth won't change this.

    1. ThankYouJeebus

      The photo is obviously staged. A real Amerikkkan would have rolls of fat bulging around the armrests.

    2. horsedreamer_1

      Was reading Peter King's "Monday Morning Quarterback" & he included a tweet from Atlanta Falcons tight-end Tony Gonzalez (open vegan): "People need to get in shape in this country". Tweet was in response to Gonzalez's flight being delayed after the plane ran out of seat-belt extensions.

  5. Lascauxcaveman

    Wait a minute. Maybe there's just a dead animal in the the scooter's seat-back pouch.

    A dead small animal with enormous testicles.

    1. baconzgood

      You think you can just half ass to that. You put balls on a scooter you gotta go all out.

    1. GOPCrusher

      I know. I'm so fucking proud to be an American at this moment, I'm going to go get a flag with an eagle tattooed on my arm tonight after work.
      I'M PROUD TO BE AN AMERICAN, WHERE AT LEAST I KNOW I'M FREE…….

      1. savethispatient

        Exactly! It makes me proud to have a Green Card. I'm going to hug it extra tight as I sleep tonight!

  6. pukebot

    cool. i'll buy some scut nutz with pseudo counterfeit money.

    btw, does this not scream, "i am a sex offender"

  7. Winnie_Cooper

    I need to find the comment where I first suggested this winning combination. It was months ago!

  8. OkieDokieDog

    I bet that old dude's nutz hang down farther than that, so it's a good thing he can't walk or his calves would be chafed from all that brassiness.

    ewww. I'm grossed out just thinking about some old scooter dude's private man parts.

  9. SayItWithWookies

    Riding a little high, aren't they? Hell, I'd let mine scrape the ground and give off sparks against the concrete.

  10. BaldarTFlagass

    I wonder if the Medicare paid for his upgrade to "removable testicles." That shit would come in handy during bike rides and such.

    1. MissusBarry

      Seems like there's room for a King Missle reference here, but I'm failing at bringing that remnant of middle school into the realm of political comedy/discourse/source of suicidal thoughts nearly 20 years later.

      1. BaldarTFlagass

        Well, only the scrotum is there, so maybe he had lost his penis. Maybe he had just had breakfast at the Kiev, and was rolling down Second Avenue towards St. Mark's Place, where all those people sell used books and other junk on the street, and shortly after this pic was taken, he found his penis lying on a blanket next to a broken toaster oven. A happy ending!!!

  11. Boredw/Gravitas

    My fondest dreams are realized – the merging of skooters & TruckNutz. Thanks, operative "Brian K." — that's coming off my bucket list.

  12. Toomush_Infer

    Can't help it….can't think straight right now….I need access to Osama bin Laden's wives for reasons of national impurity….fuck scooternutz….

  13. kissawookiee

    Pardon my nitpicking (borne of coursework in heathen subjects such as "biology" and "anatomy"), but shouldn't those balls be hanging down between the back wheels of the Hoveround? At least most of the idiots who hang nutz on their truck bumpers manage to be more or less anatomically plausible.

    Then again, this guy probably couldn't find his own actual nutz, or ass, with both hands, a flashlight, a GPS unit, a roadmap, and a trail of Cheeto crumbs, so maybe I'm setting my standards a little bit high in this instance.

    1. riverside68

      I think we have confused two similar but different movements: TruckNutz and tea baggers. These are clearly too high for TruckNutz, which hang between the wheels. This may be a new 'grasp the slur' backlash among the tea baggers. Say it Loud, Say it Proud: WE ARE THE TEA BAGGING NATION!

      When we see a train of rascals with each tea bagging the one in front, we will know there is a new movement a foot (a wheel? a round?).

  14. GunToting[Redacted]

    You know, these things have bothered me for quite a while… I am in possession of a somewhat used (42 years) scrotum, and the TruckNutz look NOTHING like my sac. Should I see a doctor?

    1. WriteyWriterton

      CAUTION: Side effects of scooter use may include support for torture as a tool of interrogation, eruptions of racism, reflexive jingoism, and delusions about the birthplace of the President. Discontinue scooter use and contact your physician immediately if you suffer any of these symptoms.

  15. SorosBot

    With these, the teabaggers can do their teabagging despite being too fat to stand up.

  16. MLite

    And a voice cried out from the heavens saying "IT IS DONE." We can all get raptured and Go Galt now.

  17. Texan_Bulldog

    I think I'm going to get some of those for my kid's bicycle–of course it still has training wheels on it but it's never too early for tacky, god-awful, redneck accessories. May have to find a way to attach a gun rack. Also.

  18. SudsMcKenzie

    Kudos “Brain K.". You are a one man Wonkette Seal Team 6. You got em!11

    1. Jukesgrrl

      Is it possible the nutz could be intended as snark? Surely there is at least one liberal in NYC forced to depend on a scooter. (I had to ride one through Home Depot and Lowes when I broke my leg while remodeling a house.) Maybe Progressives could demand blue scooters?

  19. poncho_pilot

    doctor: ok. this might be a little uncomfortable. i want you to turn you steering wheel and rev your electric motor.

    old dude: whiiiiirrrr!

  20. BaldarTFlagass

    I bet I know which song is #1 in the "most played" category of his iPod.

    Some balls are held for charity
    And some for fancy dress
    But when they're held for pleasure
    They're the balls that I like best
    My balls are always bouncing
    To the left and to the right
    It's my belief that my big balls
    Should be held every night

    I've got big balls
    I've got big balls
    They're such big balls
    And they're fancy big balls
    And he's got big balls
    And she's got big balls
    But we've got the biggest balls of them all

  21. slithytoves

    Is it any coincidence that the ad for the novel 31 Bond St, has, as the text immediately to the right of this post: A blend of historical evidence and fictional imagining…?

  22. BaldarTFlagass

    Trucknutz and scooters, what a perfect combination. The fucking Reese's Peanut Butter Cup people are beside themselves.

    1. bureaucrap

      Two great tastes that go great together, like four loco and santorum:

      "You got Four Loco in my santorum!"
      "You got santorum in my Four Loco!"

  23. jus_wonderin

    This is the same kind of asshat that gets all upset at any thought of a safely clinical sex-ed discussion in a Health Class. If my daughter had asked what that was I'd have to stop him and have him explain. Then deck him.

  24. Not_So_Much

    In fairness, that could be him airing out part of his high-fructose coated colon. It does have a tinge of Cheese Doodles™.

  25. WhatTheHeck

    When we hit that compound in Pakistan last week, I hope we left some trukNutz as a calling card. So there would be no doubt as to…

  26. MaxUdargo

    This whole "truck nutz" phenomenon has taught me one thing: I have a fine, firm, shapely scrotum. I might even describe my scrotum as "perky" or even "buxom," if that makes sense. I wouldn't have recognized these sagging, shriveled vehicle accessories as nutz were it not explained to me at some point.

    I believe I could be a nutz model.

    1. Gopherit

      sounds like you need some quality time with a latex or plaster of paris mold. Remember to shave first…..for your safety.

  27. Doktor Zoom

    May I remind you that May 21 is just 12 days away.

    "And when the first Trumpet sounded, I did see an enfeebled horde, each warrior borne upon a tiny carriage whose Buzz was of the Locust and whose price was paid by Caesar, even though they professed their hatred for all works of Caesar. And the loathsome horde did slowly advance upon the Seat of Power in the Kingdom, each carriage bearing a Device which resembled the Organs of Generation, and while their words and the grotesque Organs were barren, the Pharisees did pay the horde tribute. And thus a mighty Nation was brought low…

    1. tessiee

      What manner of people are these, O Lord? Strange are their ways, and mirthless their iniquities. Verily, the truth is as dung to them, for it is said that their heads may be harmed with knowledge. They knoweth not one end of a spear from another without sitting thereupon.

  28. MasterDebater

    !!!!!!!!

    I was there when it started, and now, to see this…

    I just ejaculated in my pants.

    Wonkette, all I can say is, MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.

  29. jjdaddyo

    Probably got lost looking for the creationism wing of the Museum of Natural History. "Where's the room with Jeebus riding the giant dinosaur? I saw it in the "Night at the Museum" movie with that jewboy Stller fella!"

  30. meufchelou

    Hey I was there yesterday too, and everyone in NYC was out. And I mean everyone. So it stands to reason there'd be a trucknutz scooter–after all NYC IS the world's greatest mashup.

  31. user-of-owls

    Jack Commits Alt-Text Suicide:

    This is EXACTLY what George Washington's cock looked like.

    He's coming, he's coming…

  32. Mort_Sinclair

    All these nut facsimiles lack a single strand of hair of any sort, further suggesting that the owners are stuck in some pre-adolescent, skinned-chicken sort of sexual limbo.

      1. Mort_Sinclair

        Of course, the owners of these ersatz balls, given their girth, couldn't find them to "scape" them if their lives depended on it.

    1. AJW@[redacted]

      zackly. TruckNutz on trucks, Beer Nuts on beer, Deer nuts, as usual, just under a buck…

    1. SorosBot

      The guy complains that the blimp didn't get coverage the last time around; but I remember a ton of coverage, all mocking. Ah, please to it again, Paultards; it'll be like old times.

    2. poncho_pilot

      "…the blimp really intrigued me and got me excited…"

      someone needs to have sex. and with a human this time.

    3. Worthly[♬♪♬♪♫♪♬]Skum

      "I would gladly donate to another blimp".

      Chris Christie on line 1.

  33. DustBowlBlues

    While being too fat to walk and riding a scooter, especially one that sports truck nutz, is prima facie proof of an American's patriotism, the more obtuse might not get it. He needs to hang a little flag with "John 3:6 "printed boldly across it on that carrying case that his nutz (perhaps his only pair) are hanging from. And that head rest has room for a picture of Barry with a Hitler mustache and a piece of watermelon in his hand.

    Now that, my friends, is an unequivocal way to say, I'm An American And Proud Of It." Which probably should be on a button pinned to his hat, just in case there's any doubt.

  34. emmelemm

    This is the best day of my life.

    /OK, that might be a smidge of hyperbole. This is certainly the best day of my life since I started reading Wonkette, though. May 21 here we come!!!

      1. emmelemm

        Bless you for your well wishes. If I got to 100 p today, it surely would be the best day of my sad, pathetic life.

  35. DashboardBuddha

    I believe we're on the wrong track here. Here's my take. He is a domestic abuser and one night he wife knocked him out and cut of his balls. That's why he's on the scooter. He wife was declared innocent due to self-defense. When he was found guilty for battering, part of his punishment was to carry his former balls on whatever vehicle he used. They had to bronze them though to keep them from smelling the place. This is just the modern version of the Scarlett Letter.

  36. DustBowlBlues

    He checked her into a nursing home, courtesy Medicaid, and moved up to the main floor of her house.

  37. DustBowlBlues

    Brian K gets the biggest Get of all time. The rest of us can do little more than sit back in stunned envy.

  38. emmelemm

    Agreed (sadly), and also adding: those nutz look precariously attached to the sling-bag; it almost looks like someone ran up and stuck them right on the center back, like a "Kick Me" sign or something. They're not in a very "permanent" place to be affixed, like true TruckNutz(tm) on a bumper.

    But it's more fun to wail about the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse, isn't it?

  39. Gopherit

    It was a brave move for him to come out in public. Kudos to him…..but where is his Gadsen flag?

  40. ZombieForceD

    If he hadn't prematurely evacuated, he could have completed the Teabagger Trifecta by having a rifle rack and a stars and bars bumper sticker. Also.

  41. Terry

    Aren't those Trucknutz riding a little high? It looks more like a brass abdominal hernia than a scrotum.

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  43. elviouslyqueer

    Better yet (and with profound apologies to Rodgers and Hammerstein):

    Chicks and ducks will laugh off their hooters
    When I take you out in the scooter,
    When I take you out in the scooter with the Nutz on back!
    Watch those Nutz and see how they flutter
    When they drive them high, flappin' nutters.
    Nosey pokes'll peek thru' their shutters and their eyes will pop!
    The wheels are yeller, the upholstery's brown,
    The dashboard's genuine pleather,
    With Plexigas curtains y' can roll right down,
    In case there's a change in the weather.
    Two brass nuts a'winkin' and blinkin',
    Ain't no finer rig I'm a-thinkin'
    You c'n keep your rig if you're thinkin' 'at's a fine nutsack.
    Talking 'bout that scooter with the Nutz on back!

  44. fuflans

    in celebration of this momentous day, I am going to go to my local supermarket, grab a scooter and ride up and down the liquor aisle. Whooping of course.

    I am just sad we are not allowed to carry guns here.

  45. MissTaken

    Just noticed Mr. HoverNutz's shirt sleeves are rolled up. There is so much raw, unadulterated sexuality oozing from this man I can barely stand it.

  46. Cheetah Repeater

    "Proud owner of Scooter-Nutz® and I VOTE!!"

    Someone, here's your first million-selling scooter sticker right there.

  47. MilwaukeeKent

    Obviously he's the man from Provincetown, Mass., when he bangs them together to play "Stormy Weather", lightning shoots out of his ass.

  48. EBGrey

    Um, I hate to break to you, but that shriveled bag appears to contain the man's actual testicles.

  49. ttommyunger

    "impotent, fearful man with small pecker who fears women."…and men, and insects and black Presidents….No, wait!

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