why so angry troll?

Hmm: Andrew Breitbart Gets Really Defensive About His Alcohol Use

Score one for random chance: for the first time in the long history of C-SPAN, something interesting actually happened on air! Democracy’s best friend Andrew Breitbart (he’s also best friends with truth and journalistic ethics; pick one, Andy!) was on to talk about his book when he was asked to describe his “current relationship with alcohol.” We all enjoy alcohol from time to time, don’t we? That’s a simple question. But it’s not for Breitbart, who quickly got very defensive. “Why do you ask?!” Breitbart demanded. This is so odd. Why ever would that question hit close to home for Breitbart?

Then Breitbart turned the tables.

“Would you ask Barack Obama in an interview with him … what’s your current relationship with cocaine?”

Yes, that probably is what the media would ask Barack Obama, if they saw him at parties all the time stoned on cocaine.

An update on this item from a couple weeks back:

There is some amazing video of Andrew Breitbart from that cocktail party in Washington Thursday night, and as soon as the wrestling match between two very unlikely and very minor media outlets in D.C. can be resolved, we are going to post this video and a certain unnamed fun-loving conservative rabble rouser is probably going to be sharing a room at Detox Mansion with Lindsay Lohan.

We now hear this video is not going to be released. But what would be the problem? That video could have nothing to do with Breitbart being drunk off his ass and doing some questionable things. Because Breitbart doesn’t have a drinking problem. He never did. [Patrick Gavin]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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  1. WhatTheHolyHeck

    Fuck booze, I want to hear about his current relationship with his own colon. He seems to spend a lot of time up there.

    1. Doktor Zoom

      I would describe my “current relationship with alcohol" as affectionate, perhaps even rather flirty.

      My colon and I have not been on speaking terms for years, however.

      1. FlownOver

        Nope. The scientists (the ones not busy running from the torches-and-pitchforks gang, anyway) call that "convergent evolution." Like rats on cocaine or Republicans chasing young boys… but I repeat myself.

  2. widestanceroman

    That's amazing, since there is nothing to his disheveled sweaty bloat to suggest such a thing.

    Andy–no amount of alcohol will make you sound like a man, so give it up, girl.

  3. memzilla

    Well, we know Breitbart's relationship with an a**hole, that's for sure (extra credit if you answered "indistinguishable").

  4. forgracie

    Dude looks like he just got off a five day bender. Probably smells of cheap scotch and cigarettes.

    1. fuflans

      i thought he was drunk when the video started.

      he's just unsavory on every level.

    2. riverside68

      Was that "off a five day bender," or "on a five day bender?"

      On a related matter: Do you know why Pirates do not get hangovers?

      Cause they never stop drinking!

    3. ThankYouJeebus

      Pre-cancer Christopher Hitches always had that look about him. Funnily, I'd much rather hang out with a smelly hung-over Hitchens than Breitbart in his Sunday best.

    4. glamourdammerung

      While defending Breitbart makes me a little sick (not to mention a significantly better person than him or any of his followers), I think he makes those odd faces to hide all the extra chins and it may not be because of drugs and/or alcohol.

    1. carlgt1

      well didn't Hitchens have to field questions like this all the time? and he's 1000 times the intellect & writer & journalist that Breit could ever be….

  5. FNMA

    We've all done some things that we regret while drunk, but considering the whole of Brietbart's existence, I think I can say, with confidence, that I've never been that wasted.

    1. WriteyWriterton

      I don't have a drinking problem, but I do have an Andrew Breitbart problem.

  6. SorosBot

    Andy, you'll never get it together if you don't follow step 1 and admit that you have a problem.

  7. skoalrebel

    He's just trying to defend America from the Kenyan mooslim and his Crack Ho wife. That's what makes him so mad all the time. Shit, I get mad when I think about all the commies running this country. And I'm not a drunk. Really. I'm not.

    1. horsedreamer_1

      I was rooting around the return bin for the 3d glasses used for the IMAX showing of Thor & found what I thought was a Cherry Pepsi bottle in the bottom, so I pitched it to the trash-can. Then, the contents spewed as the bottle rattled in. &, I had to wonder: why is the soda lingering on the wall behind? Turned out, it was dip.

      Just, disgusting.

      1. GhostBuggy

        The thing I like most about this story is the implication that "rooting around the return bin for the 3d glasses used for the IMAX showing of Thor" is a normal thing to do.

      1. baconzgood

        You've convinced me. I'm going to get stinking drunk tonight. I gotta commit.

  8. MissTaken

    Good lord, he looks worse than I did Friday morning after Cinco de Mayo. Let's just say my current relationship with tequila is hateful at best.

  9. neiltheblaze

    I want to know what his current relationship with "reality" is. Divorced, from the look of it.

  10. SorosBot

    Sadly for him, Breitbart can't follow Mel Gibson's lead and blame alcohol for all the racist things he's done since most of them were clearly premeditated.

      1. WriteyWriterton

        "…ring up…"

        Ah think we got us another Limey here, boys. Get the rope.

  11. chascates

    No doubt that video was edited to show America's Savior in a less-than-respectable sight.

    1. BeWoot

      Muckmaker is more like it. If Andy was a raker he'd be working with the real stuff before the edits.

  12. iburl

    How come you D.C. guys never share your saucy photos and videos? You don't want to "Spike the Football" on Breitbart's alcoholism?

  13. Schmannnity

    just because he is starting to look like Zach Galifianackis in the morning of The Hangover, why do you ask?

    1. WriteyWriterton

      O/T, I thought "The Hangover" was just about the unfunniest purportedly funny movie I've seen in years. I like stupid-guy movies, too, being a stupid guy, but that thing was repugnant.

      1. horsedreamer_1

        Todd Phillips is an acquired taste, I suppose. He's too crass to appeal to a wide audience, as does his supposed kindred spirit Judd Apatow, but not crass enough to have his films classed as "so bad, they're good", like, say, the film Machete.

        1. WriteyWriterton

          Having seen the preview for H#2, I doubt I'll work to acquire the taste.

  14. Andrew Drinker

    Wait, Breitbart's a drunk? Hey, he has more in common with us than we previously thought! (And he shares my first name!)

    Hey Andy, come down to The Jury Room and first round's on me! They make a mean Sidecar!

  15. Goonemeritus

    I see his point his years of hard work and discipline in the field of journalism should afford him equal deference to that shown a sitting POTUS.

  16. pinkocommi

    Given the current Republican 2012 presidential candidates, how can we not drink ourselves to oblivion?

    1. flamingpdog

      Given the current Republican 2012 presidential candidates, how can we not nominate Breitbart?

  17. hagajim

    Q:So Andy – what is your current relationship with alcohol….

    Andy – "Well, to tell you the truth, I love it like my gay lover…in fact I shove a bottle up my ass every night"

  18. Badonkadonkette

    I wouldn't have led with a question about his relationship with alcohol. It's kind of obvious the guy is a raging alcoholic. I would have said, "What's your current relationship with underage cock, and does your current relationship with alcohol have anything to do with it?"

  19. elviouslyqueer

    Wait. Randy Andy went to Tulane? That proves he's had his legs in the air at Lafitte's at least twice.

  20. MinAgain

    There's no "relationship". He just felates the occasional bottle in a backroom until it's drained dry and then stumbles on home.

  21. HobbesEvilTwin

    Breitbart doesn’t have a drinking problem. He never did.

    Breitbart's problem isn't with alcohol; it's with reality.

  22. PsycWench

    I read the post originally as referring to an event on C- Span, as in "C-minus Span". Which explains so very much. Keep drinking, Andrew, and you'll be a regular on F-Span!

  23. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    If there were any journalistic ethics any more, they would have asked Brietbart about his relationship with Riley.

  24. 4tehlulz_lite

    I think he's just shocked that anyone would imply that Breitbart could maintain a relationship with anything or anyone.

  25. m_supercomputer

    No sober man would go on TV with hair like that, even if it is just C-SPAN. And actually, no man whose wife doesn't hate him would, either – expect that'll be the next scandal for poor oh-so-mistreated Andy.

  26. metamarcisf

    Alcohol my foot! He hasn't put the pipe down since his appearance on Real Time last Friday.

    1. SorosBot

      Since you're always willing to brave the hell that is the Breitbart forums, has there been any mention of this over there?

      1. metamarcisf

        Well, when they posted this story today:

        "Whitney Houston Voluntarily Enters Rehab"

        I wrote "Breitbart will be next". To which one person responded, "maybe he'll get your old room". Not bad.

  27. horsedreamer_1

    That video makes me think Breitbart is actually a leftist from the local hobo jungle who is putting one on the Right.

  28. JoshuaNorton

    The middle of traffic in Dupont Circle looked like a nice place to take a nap. Got a problem with that commie?

  29. baconzgood

    Up fists for all!!!! We ALL knew troll would show for a story about Breitbart. Maybe troll IS Breitbart.

  30. riverside68

    Barak to BB: "Hee hee, that's funny, my relationship with cocaine. Would you like a piece of me cute boy? My Seals tell me you got purdy lips. Hey cut it out, no reason to pee on the rug, it ties the room together."

  31. randcoolcatdaddy

    It looks like he has a wonderful, close relationship with alcohol. I, for one, fully support his rights to enjoy embracing alcohol in the privacy of his own home and, depending on the outcome of certain court cases, his right to marry the alcohol of his choice.

    1. DashboardBuddha

      Just as long as he doesn't marry Jim Beam or Johnny Walker. If he married one of them they'd both be dewers.

  32. KeepFnThatChicken

    Why be a dick to the milquetoast C-SPAN interviewer? Is this so Andrew will keep awake?

  33. DownFist Troll

    Memo to Andy. don't show up to C-span interview dressed like you just got out of a police drunk tank.

  34. DashboardBuddha

    "What's your relationship with alcohol?"

    We just good friends…but he does give me the encouragement to make indecent overtures to Riley Waggaman. (Riley…why won't you return my calls??!)

  35. CapnFatback

    I believe Mr. Brietbart made his intentions known the moment he slipped a promise ring over the neck of that bottle of Beefeater's.

  36. Thurman Munster IV

    He may be a drunk today, but tomorrow madam, he'll sure as hell still be a total douchebag

  37. Cheetah Repeater

    I agree: Obama's former cocaine use ethically absolves Breakfart of his alcoholism or any other fault. It's his endless craving for underage lads that's Andrea's real problem.

  38. MasterDebater

    Um, a picture says a thousand words. Literally, in this case. He goes on TV looking like THAT and gets defensive when asked "hey why are you a drunken slob, as evidenced by how you LOOK RIGHT THIS VERY MINUTE YOU BOOZE ADDICT."

    1. HuddledMass

      Also "lorry," "flat," and "lift."
      I'm watching those sneaky Brits and their "humour"

    2. wondering where i am

      Yes, what is it with "maths"? Do the Brits have like multiple quantities of mathematics, you know, some extras kicking around to use as a spare?

  39. WriteyWriterton

    Oh, going all evidence-y, are we? Where's that great Murken propensity to leap to conclusions when we need it?

    In the run-up to the Iraq invasion, you were probably all squishy on the WMDs. Commie!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  40. Gorillionaire

    Speaking as a man who learned the hard way some very serious things about alcohol abuse, that was some of the funniest shit I have ever seen on tv.

  41. June_Cleaver2.0

    That is how Repubs answer questions they don't like. If Dems were more confrontational like this with the media, the media would be more thoughtful in asking Dems questions. That answer is why Repubs get soft questions.

  42. Toomush_Infer

    He's right – his problem probably isn't with drinking…it's more likely with looking around the bar in a haze and realizing that no one is anywhere near him – again! They were when he came in…

  43. AlaskaGrrl

    Oh yeah. You can just tell by that classy Lounge Lizard outfit, that 'Ol Andy don't have no problem with the bottle.

    1. glamourdammerung

      I did not notice until you pointed it out, but yeah, I dress like less of a slob than that when I was under my house fixing a pipe this weekend.

  44. Gopherit

    OMG. You guys need to get that video. Ask Larry Flynt for the money. He hates hypocrites and would probably love to be the guy who took Andy down.

  45. Sue4466

    I like how asking him a question means asking Obama an equivalent question. Because Breitbart and Obama are in the same league. Obviously.*

    *When you're completely loaded.

  46. FakaktaSouth

    I particularly enjoy the automatic "on the same level" allusions of himself to the Prez. I dig that they have the whole "we both wrote books about doing shit in college thing" in common, but Andrew seriously needs to keep his comparative associations closer to his actual Tucker Max wannabe counterparts. And seriously, fuck that guy.

  47. Mort_Sinclair

    Andrew Breitbart: Christopher Hitchens without the intellect, education, erudition, atheism, cancer, humor, or common sense.

  48. SheriffRoscoe

    And do you know who else had a relationship with cocaine before he entered politics?

  49. LionHeartSoyDog

    …“current relationship with alcohol.”

    My parole officer asked me about this when he saw me hustling an empty 12-pack to the dumpster, one time.

  50. Crank_Tango

    what do you have against michael bolton? you didn't like the jack sparrow song?

  51. skytrucker

    So we need to accord you, a political gadfly, the same respect we would the President? Climb down off that ego for a moment and get a clue.

    1. glamourdammerung

      But clearly the President of the United States of America is the egotist here.

  52. BZ1

    Anytime you're stuck for an answer, change the subject to the Kenyan commie… seems to work for the teatards…

  53. Rotundo_

    Well, if Andy is a drunk, there is always that slight chance that he will drown in his own sick. And if that thought doesn't perk you up a little, you just don't know Andy like we know Andy. Bottoms up big guy!

  54. BerkeleyBear

    Apparently the alcohol has rotted his memory, because people did in fact speculate wildly about President Obama's relationship with cocaine and lameass media picked up on it and asked.

  55. Wilcoxyz

    He says he has an open relationship with alcohol. But he gets insanely jealous and menacing when he sees other people enjoying themselves with booze.

  56. RavenRant

    The cocktail party video must be released! By any means necessary! America has a right to know!


    You guys are breaking my black-hearted heart.

  57. Swampgas_Man

    It's not a "relationship w/ alcohol" if you're just paying the bottles to fuck them.

  58. glamourdammerung

    Why isn't this guy in jail, or murdered?

    Because we are better than his sort.

  59. SonofSpermcube

    The dude looked and sounded drunk in that clip. Maybe that's where it came from.

    (Mr. Breitbart, if you have some neurological problem that explains that, I sincerely apologize.)

  60. jaytingle

    You'd drink too if you were a super-talented movie guy who has been blacklisted by the liberal powers-that-be who control Hollywood. Because the movie industry is dominated by liberals who put personal politics ahead of profit. Also, Andrew Breitbart is not gay, so quit being so mean.

  61. Isyaignert

    If I was Breitbart, I'd be drunk all of the time too. It's the only way I could live with myself.

  62. ttommyunger

    I like to think I've mellowed in my old age, but watching Andrew during this very short clip reminded me that he is one of the few men on Earth who ( if I could not immediately get away from) I would have to physically assault in a very serious way; just for drill and for doing what's right.

  63. lulzmonger

    Video or it didn't hap- … aw, who the fuck am I kidding, of course it happened.

    Release the video!

Comments are closed.