the defense rests

Trump ‘Least Racist’ Person In World: Hired Black Guy Six Years Ago On TV


Here you will see three idiots on the sofa stare intently into a void. Out of the void comes the voice of a fourth idiot. “When it comes to racism and racists,” the fourth idiot muses (he uses “racists” as if it were a subject unencompassed by “racism” in order to seem more intelligent), “I am the least racist person there is. And I think most people that know me would tell you that. I am the least racist.” The idiots on the sofa continue to stare. Finally, one of them senses that he hasn’t made a movement in a while. He remedies this by nodding and smacking his lips. He has assured the universe for a few more moments, at least, that he exists.

“In fact,” Trump added, “Randal Pinkett won on The Apprentice a little while ago, a couple years ago, and Randal’s been outstanding in every way. So I am the least racist person. But [Van Jones] is a guy trying to get some publicity for himself by attacking Donald Trump.”

Pinkett won the show in 2005, and was the first African-American contestant to win.

Bob Barker gave away brand-new cars and tens of thousands of dollars to black people every day for decades on his game show. If Trump is the “least racist” person on Earth, what does that make Barker? Dead?

Donald Trump is less racist than you. He is less racist than Nelson Mandela. He is less racist than newborn babies, those racist fucks. [TPM]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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124 comments

  1. BaldarTFlagass

    Wonder how well old Randal Pinket still likes his job in the copy room.

  2. baconzgood

    I'm not racist either. This morning a black man was getting on the bus in front of me and I didn't even push him down.

      1. baconzgood

        I've always had a great relationship with black people….It's the chinks I gotta problem with.

  3. CapeClod

    "Van Jones is a guy trying to get some publicity for himself by attacking Donald Trump.”

    And Donald thinks its a disgrace that someone should be that publicity hungry.

    1. BerkeleyBear

      Given the amount of time spent by Beck on Van Jones, I think the last thing Mr. Jones needs is publicity.

  4. nappyduggs

    "And I think most people that know me would tell you that. I am the least racist."

    As they say, less is more. Methinks the merkin doth protest too much.

  5. lefty74

    I kinka always thought either you are a racist or you aren't a racist.
    Like pregnancy. One cannot be the least pregnant person on the planet.

    1. JustPixelz

      Trumpettte may be as fair-minded as we'd all like to be. But when he talks about race, he sounds defensive.

      And Fox is like an all-white country club. Where the member's kids get into Yale as legacy admission.

    2. David_in_NYC

      You only say that because you never asked the Donald. He is both the least racist AND the least pregnant person on the planet.

  6. nounverb911

    "Hired Black Guy Six Years Ago On TV"
    He's keeping both my shoes and cars well shined.

  7. bumfug

    And then last night he fired all three of the black women on Celebrity Apprentice.

    1. GunToting[Redacted]

      My step-sister-in-law (Jesus, these integrated families are complicated) was runner-up on CelebApp last year. She now states that one of her proudest moments was NOT being selected to win by that asshole.

  8. neiltheblaze

    Aw, c-mon Donald – don't be so hard on yourself You're as racist as anyone in the field! You just have to practice more.

  9. mavenmaven

    yes, there are many people who are racist against many different kinds of people, I at least am not racist against Eastern European immigrants with big racks.

  10. rhubarbpie2

    Luckily for Trump and his interviewers this wasn't a "least brain-dead" contest.

  11. CapeClod

    I would love to see him and Colbert have a debate about which of them is the least racist person.

  12. nounverb911

    "Hired Black Guy Six Years Ago On TV"
    He polishes my bald spot before I get my combover.

  13. baconzgood

    Sooooo Donald Trump has a deep-seated hatred for white people or the white culture? Run with Glenn. Run with it.

  14. Schmannnity

    Since the birther stunt cratered, I guess he is going to have to re-investigate Jeremiah Wright–in a totally non-racist way, of course.

  15. OkieDokieDog

    I think that rich old white robber baron Gop and Teabagger guys are the most racy-ist of the racists, and I'm not racist against white guys, so I trump the Trump.

  16. Sue4466

    New game! Trump says that "most people that know me would tell you" something like it's like a separate validation of his own opinion. E.g., "I think most people that know me would tell you I am a very smart guy, the smartest, actually."

    Now for the home version: "I think most people that know me would tell you I have a squirrel living on my head."

  17. jus_wonderin

    Snark off: Did he ever say he paid or compensated the maid (as i child support)?

  18. elviouslyqueer

    Yea right, Donald. And Elton John is the least gayest person there is, also too.

  19. El Pinche

    You know you're a racist when you have to get on Fox and Friends and repeatedly state that you're not a racist.

  20. a_pink_poodle

    Ah the good ol' "I'm not racist, I have (race) friends" excuse! Not as fun as the "I'm not racist BUUUUUUT" but still pretty fun!

  21. Mumbletypeg

    OK fine Donald you're not a racist. (You just happen to be very popular with them.)

  22. SorosBot

    Trump may be telling the truth; he might not be a racist, but may just keep saying racist things to pander to the racist GOP base. Which is just as bad.

  23. horsedreamer_1

    The Donald-Omarosa relationship is as affectionate as the Oprah-Gayle relationship. FACT.

  24. widestanceroman

    Perhaps his mouth could be stretched over a Japanese reactor core and concrete poured into his anus. At last, he might contribute something to this world.

  25. WriteyWriterton

    Barry said/implied it best: Trump is a carny barker. His natural habitat is a carnival midway sinking in a mud-soaked Great Plains cornfield, which blue-haired farm-widows cruise past in K-cars, pressing their lips in disgust.

  26. 4tehlulz_lite

    On the Birthernacht episode of Apprentice, he will say that he doesn't mad when someone calls him a nigger, so neither should blacks.

  27. RadioGroundZero

    Hey, at least it is a new variant on a theme. "I'm not a racist but,…" has now become "I'm the least racist person in the world, but…."

        1. Lascauxcaveman

          Gee, nounverb, I didn't know you were black. Now I'm going start acting all weird around you.

  28. WhatTheHolyHeck

    So that's why my newborn wouldn't breast feed. Ingrate.

    I'll show him and cast him in a Jodie Foster movie with an animal puppet. Racist little fucker will never see the light of day again.

  29. DemmeFatale

    Yes, Donald. Yes.

    I love how he pats himself on the back, while referring to himself in the third person.

  30. petehammer

    Summary:

    Four very white people talking about racism, one of them nods in a way that says "I am pretending to recall what you are talking about, but no one really remembers reality shows a year after they air."

  31. metamarcisf

    Watching 60 Minutes last night, it would have been easy to picture Trump being the one interviewed by Steve Croft. Except if it was Trump, he would have been more decisive and more American and everything.

  32. pinkocommi

    You know how some of Trump's best friends are ugly women, but he wouldn't want to marry them? . . . Same policy for black people.

  33. Lascauxcaveman

    Funny true story about how racist I am: I met a very black local semi-homeless guy who said he just moved here, looking for work. I had some projects lined up, so I hired him for two days of casual labor at my hotel, and he had such a mush-mouth deep Southside accent that when I asked him where he was from, and he said "Chicago" I thought he said "The Congo."

    So I replied, "Gee, you've got pretty good English for a guy fresh off the boat from Africa."

    We both had a good laugh about it after I explained to him that I was really hard of hearing. "Yeah, uhm, I noticed."

  34. DaRooster

    Sorry folks… "Winning" and becoming Trumps Apprentice… that ain't winning.

  35. fuflans

    please please please let the donald and the newt primary together. for the comedy.

    please please please.

  36. GunToting[Redacted]

    There are only two things I can't stand… Intolerance, and the Dutch.

  37. BarackMyWorld

    He may not like "the blacks," but to be fair he dislikes poor whites just as much.

  38. WriteyWriterton

    Portland, ME or Portland OR? I ask because I've been in both, and I can't imagine a Mainer knowing of the existence of any place called "the Congo."

  39. aguacatero

    I hear a "Are You Less Racist than Donald Trump?" reality show coming round the bend, and it will make our country even prouderer.

  40. James Michael Curley

    I don't know who those three people are, but when I see them I think that is what Sarah Palin saw when she started halucinating about Death Panels.

  41. Lascauxcaveman

    In my defense, I'm reallllly hard of hearing.

    And the dude just looked African to me. Compact, muscular, extremely dark skin, clothes all wrong-looking for an American black male. So anyway, I know I'm kinda racist, making assumptions based on how the guy looked.

    1. tessiee

      "And the dude just looked African to me. … So anyway, I know I'm kinda racist, making assumptions based on how the guy looked."

      Or, if not actually racist, not 100% clear on the distinction between African-American, i.e., black guy who was born here, and African-American, i.e., born in Africa and moved to America.

      It suddenly occurs to me that there are a lot of people unable to make that distinction, but only where Pres. Obama is concerned, so I should say that I'm not calling you a birther.

  42. SorosBot

    ..and America's largest concentration of hipsters. Well, maybe Austin has more.

    1. WriteyWriterton

      Has anyone counted the pork-pie hats/square mile? Or are they innumerably numerous?

  43. Geminisunmars

    Donald says "it's okay [to attack him for publicity] because a lot of people do that". With logic like that no wonder he is becoming king of Teabaggerishness.

  44. BaldarTFlagass

    Oh, fuck it:

    Do you know who else claimed to be the least racist person he knew?

  45. ShaveTheWhales

    You know, it's nice that Trump has a rich fantasy life and all, but I'm ready for him to stop sharing it.

  46. mourningnmerica

    In related news, I am the least lazy person I know, and I have the least smallest dick. I think people that know me will tell you that. So I have the least smallest dick.

  47. hagajim

    Donald may not be racist, but his is the biggest self-aggrandizing prick ever.

  48. Redhead

    He's also the least sexy, least interesting, least intelligent and least aware person in the world.

  49. sezme

    Donald Trump doesn't care about black people.

    But that doesn't make him a racist.

  50. PostApocalypse

    Like many of the blacks, Trump himself is very articulate. Wait… no he's not.

  51. RavenRant

    Trump/Dr. Laura/Mel Gibson 2012!

    World's getting more complicated. We need two VPs.

  52. Sassomatic

    He's way less racist than Archie Bunker, and he made out with a black dude on TV.

  53. NadePaulKuciGravMcKi

    Ball Of Confusion (That’s What The World Is Today)

    give it up government we are on to your lies
    give it up media we are on to your lies

    watch?v=miZWYmxr8XE
    watch?v=6kEBTOw0ppA

  54. ttommyunger

    Never paid much attention to the Trumpster until this faux Presidential Campaign thing came along. Now I understand why.

  55. benjo765

    He is less racist than your white younger brother who's obsessed with hip-hop.
    He is less racist than a platypus making love to a bald eagle.
    He is equally as racist as a guy in a vegetative coma who involuntarily makes sound sometimes. He may well be that guy.

Comments are closed.