heart attack aficionados

Dick Cheney Doesn’t Think Obama Lets Detainees Be Questioned At All

Robotnik livesIn a moment of weakness last week, Dick Cheney, whose human form is still somehow able to emit sulfurous breaths of scorn despite not having a pulse for the better part of a year, said something nice about Barack Obama after the dirty socialist captured and killed Osama bin Laden. But by the time Cheney got to his appearance on Fox News Sunday on Fox News Sunday (it airs Sundays, on Fox News), the gothic torture-loving character from a Tim Burton film was back to his old ways. “It’s not clear to me today if we still have an interrogation program to put someone through,” he said, showing off his classic elder-statesman decorum.

Yes, does the guy who OVERSAW THE KILLING OF OSAMA BIN LADEN even let people question terrorists at all, or does he bake the evil-doers cookies, paint his toenails with them, and talk about his boy problems?

Cheney said the Obama administration should be willing to use waterboarding and other enhanced techniques.

Oh, isn’t that cute, the guy who had over 7 years to torture his way to bin Laden but failed is lecturing the guy who did find him on how to deal with terrorism. We’ve often said the only thing keeping Cheney alive is the pure hatred that runs through his veins. It would appear you can add to that list naked spite and the unquenched desire to torture more human beings and feed off their mortal agony. Usual vice president stuff.

On a lighter note, Cheney said his health has improved since last year when he was diagnosed with “end-stage heart failure” and fitted with a battery powered device that helps his heart function.

He said hasn’t decided whether to seek a heart transplant, offering a rather political answer to a medical question: “I’m not prepared to make any medical announcements.”

He’s a coy one! But yes, that stockpile of preserved Iraqi children’s hearts he keeps in the garage is working out just fine. [Politico]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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  1. CapeClod

    Yes, interrogation without torture is like having a fluffer-nutter sandwich without the fluff.

  2. freakishlywrong

    They were all at it yesterday. That awful spawn of his, Liz, was on the ABC abortion of a discussion show, (with zero pushback). They trotted out torturers and ex-Bush officials as though they were still in office. Who ever is booking these steaming piles of horseshit should be water boarded.

    1. horsedreamer_1

      DC is a world unto itself, with Ron Fournier the master of puppets. & in that world, Mc Cain won.

      1. qwerty42

        The Beltway crowd lurves them some suffering. It's not going to affect them and will be bracing for everyone else. Per Jon Chait. No wonder outside-the-beltway types from both sides hate them so much. For more on our elites, see Paul Krugman.

        1. horsedreamer_1

          Glenn Kessler has a future at Politi"Fact", once WaPo closes its doors.

          1. qwerty42

            Chait's final para:
            This, too, is Washington consensus thought in its essence. The premise is that we need calm, bipartisan discourse, and the greatest impediment is people in either party saying mean things about each other. Thus they proceed straight from this assumption to the conclusion that any mean claim is false. This assumes out of existence the possibility that a plan to reduce entitlement spending might actually have dire real-world consequences that can be truthfully described.

            His analysis of the original editorial that prompted Kessler's response is vintage Chait:
            …the editorial adopts a version of Ryan's argument, namely:
            1. Something must be done about Medicare
            2. Ryan's plan is something
            3. Ryan's plan must be done.

    2. DustBowlBlues

      Is that the one that C. Amanpour hosts now? (I teach Sunday School, so I'm never at home then). Whenever I see her with the usual band of pricks like George Will and Her Ladyship of Irrelevance, Peggy Noonan, I don't understand why they didn't scrap the panel along with George S and replace them with smart people. Or at least people who aren't insufferably smug.

      1. freakishlywrong

        It is. It's enormously disappointing as well. I kinda had hopes for that show, but it's been a non-stop parade of clowns since she took over and there's absolutely no push back no matter how outrageous.

      2. horsedreamer_1

        George Will's syndicated submission to the Journal-Sentinel's Sunday Op-Ed page was a lugubrious monologue about turning 70. I am hoping there is a Wonkette response. (Though, maybe the Trig-Steuf-Schnatter brouhaha has dissuaded Our Wonkette from birthday posts?)

  3. WhatTheHeck

    On the brighter side of things, a guy who is “half alive” is also “half dead.”

    1. horsedreamer_1

      To paraphrase Weezer from their unfairly maligned fourth album: "Hate/ barely alive/ Craven".

    1. mumbly_joe

      I'm pretty sure, in a novel variation on graft-versus-host disease, the heart would reject Cheney.

    2. Wadisay

      Memo to myself: (1) Amend my organ donor card to make sure Cheney can't get my heart and lungs; (2) maybe sell my motorcycle.

      1. Angry_Marmot

        Worked in a hospital during college, and "motorcycle owner" was interchangeable with "organ donor".

  4. MARCdMan

    That's funny, most of the detainees have been questioning whether Dick Cheney was still alive.

  5. ManchuCandidate

    I'm surprised that Cheney didn't just outright say that the Dev Group SEALs copied his "shoot'em in the face" tactic for Close Quarter Combat.

    It obviously wasn't because OBL is dead while the only thing dead on Cheney is his humanity.

  6. Gorillionaire

    The next GOP primary debate should start off with the question "is it fair for American taxpayers to keep this son of a bitch alive?"

    1. Terry

      Run some bill boards all across the Rust and Bible Belts that have a photo of Cheney and the text "Why does this guy have health insurance and you don't?"

        1. Ohforcripessake

          And are we still paying the secret service to guard this a$$hole? MFer should have to pay for it himself.

          1. James Michael Curley

            Yes. Previously a VPSecret Service detail was ended 6 months after the VP left office.

  7. Gratuitous World

    “I’m not prepared to make any medical announcements.”

    Really want that info? take away his peanuts and he'll sing like a bird. waterboarding not necessary.

    1. DaRooster

      Probably one those kids that would hold a mirror up to his fighting fish until it killed itself banging into the side of the tank.

    2. flamingpdog

      He prolly missed those lunchtime meetings in the White House with President Dubya recounting their childhood experiences stuffing firecrackers in tortoise shells.

      1. flamingpdog

        HA HA, downfister, you can zero out my upfists all you want, but my p just skyrocketed from 82 to 99. Suck on that, moran!

        1. HELisforHEL

          LOL They really are pathetic–as if all their trolling has any bearing on our opinions. HAHAHA childish & stupid downfisty troll is childish & stupid.

  8. Texan_Bulldog

    "Usual vice president stuff." Quit blood libeling Joe Biden–he just cares about the choo choos and trying not to stick his foot in his mouth.

    1. Terry

      Joe's a good guy, honest to his roots and pretty darn straight forward. Smart, too. Just a bit goofy at times.

      1. V572..whatever

        Having ultra-serious, never-goofy national leaders like Cheney produced mixed results, it must now be acknowledged.

      2. Texan_Bulldog

        Damn straight, Terry. If Dick had 1/1000th of Joe's humanity, he'd be elevated to flea larvae.

      3. HELisforHEL

        He's a decent man, is nice to kids & animals and likes commuting by trains as much as I did. He's also damn smart.

        He's like a crazy fun Uncle that you always look forward to visiting…"Pull my finger kiddo–ahhahaha fooled ya again ya rapscallion!"

  9. BaldarTFlagass

    I like how the collar in the picture obscures the bolts sticking out of his neck. "My Name is Legion, For We Are Many."

    1. DustBowlBlues

      I was thinking more on the line of zombie invasion. Unless he refuses to be interviewed in daylight, and we all know what that means.

  10. meufchelou

    "Cheney said he’s working on a book, spending time with family and heading out on a fishing trip later in the month. Asked whether he can get near water with an electrical device attached to his body, Cheney joked: “You’re not supposed to fall in.”"

    Watching all those torture sessions does indeed teach you how to be cautious,eh?

    1. Terry

      That means he mustn't bathe anymore. So, in addition to the scent of sulfur and brimstone, Cheney now has a big cloud of old man funk surrounding him.

  11. memzilla

    I picture Cheney cutting his finger and seeing the white fluid come out, like Bishop from Aliens did, but that would be an insult to CyberAmericans.

    1. Terry

      Yes, remember that Bishop saves the little girl in Aliens 2. Cheney would have pushed her out of the airlock to save himself.

  12. riverside68

    needs mor Brokeback Mountain

    Only let's break some backs while ass fucking this time.

  13. SorosBot

    He also criticized Obama for keeping America weak by refusing a daily breakfast of human blood, preferably from babies.

  14. iburl

    Don't worry Pulseless Dick, Obama is just as dedicated to illegal spying, torture, murder and holding (former) children, chefs and chauffeurs indefinitely without charges as you were.

        1. zhubajie

          Bin Laden has won. The attack on 9-11-01 was mostly on the nationalpride. The goal was to start an avalanche of self-destructivebehaviors. It was not hard, back then, to judge the US economy ahouse of cards and the US populace on the verge of civil war, with aLARGE fraction of the populace eager for some kind of lightlydisguised authoritarian government. Now we have the economic collapseand the lightly disguised authoritarian government. Civil war? Notyet.Bush was our Julius Caesar, Obama, our Augustus. Tiberias? Who can tell?

    1. riverside68

      Loves me some Patsy

      Patsy and Foreign Affairs go together like Veuve Clicquot and coke

  15. elviouslyqueer

    On a lighter note, Cheney said his health has improved since last year when he was diagnosed with “end-stage heart failure” and fitted with a battery powered device that helps his heart function.

    Here's hoping the doctors implanted the device with a couple of AA Ray-o-vacs with an expiration date of 1991.

  16. fuflans

    it's funny that the wingtards get more outraged about painting the toenails of little boys than they do about waterboarding.

    funny in a bad way.

  17. Schmannnity

    Incredible! Obama is not keeping Dick in the loop so he can take over at a moment's notice? After all the nice things he had to say about him for the last 2 years? What a fucking ingrate.

  18. Weenus299

    “I’m not prepared to make any medical announcements.”

    — He's still torturing the rats in trying to find a cure for cancer?

  19. baconzgood

    My mom said that if you can't say somthing nice about a person don't say anything at all…..

    (crickets churping)

  20. x111e7thst

    In addition to spearheading the Bush administration's efforts to find bin Laden, Dick also did important work on how best to cement deep wells for Haliburton. Leave this misunderstood genius alone.

  21. edgydrifter

    Oh, hearing the reactions from some of my relatives to the news that HUSSEIN the Kenyan Terrorist had snuffed OBL makes me think maybe President Barry enjoys doling out his own particular brand of torture, because they are possessed of great mental anguish and suffering terribly.

    1. riverside68

      The relevant question is are they permanently significantly physically impaired? Any measurable major organ damage?

      Otherwise fuck em. Actually fuck em anyway.

  22. Ducksworthy

    No need to waterboard this cheesey dick. Just unplug him for 45 seconds to a minute. Simulated death is a great motivator.

  23. BaldarTFlagass

    It's okay for Cheney to come on TV and second-guess Obama, because we remember how much time Al Gore spent doing the exact same thing to the Bush Administration between '01 and '09.

    1. HELisforHEL


      What? He didn't do that? Oh, I guess that happened in my Inner Movie Version. Oh wait–in that one, Shit For Brains and his Merry Band of Assholes didn't 'win' the election in 2000 and none of the horrid crap that occurred until 2008 transpired.

      1. BaldarTFlagass

        Alas, Pam Ewing was not dreaming and Bobby Ewing really was dead. The end.

    1. rhubarbpie2

      The worst part of this is imagining the funeral they'll give for him before he heads straight to hell.

      1. HELisforHEL

        UGH it'll be like that orgasmafest they had for Nixon, where everyone conveniently forgot what a shitload he was.

  24. SayItWithWookies

    Amazing how civilization manages to crawl along without the benefit of the wisdom of sadistic failures such as Mr. Cheney. On the other hand, I am happy that he's lived long enough to see bin Laden killed by a black liberal without using information gleaned from torture (which that asshole knows is the truth regardless of what he says on television). It might compensate for not seeing his wretched face peeking out over an orange jumpsuit, at least for a while.

    1. WhatTheHolyHeck

      Not for me. I won't be satisfied until I see an orange-clad Cheney doing the Filipino Prison Dougie.

  25. mumbly_joe

    I'd say something here, but I'm pretty sure my hatred would just make Dick Cheney stronger.

    1. poncho_pilot

      now i'm imagining the Statue of Liberty walking around New York doing Cheney's bidding.

      1. undeterredbyreality

        Notice that Cheney and Rummy are never on at the same time: "Don't cross the streams!"

  26. OkieDokieDog

    I'm just happy that Dick is receiving the best medical advancements and treatment that taxpayer funded health care can buy. No one deserves it more than him. Not you, not your Mother, or your little kids. Just him.

  27. EatsBabyDingos

    "When asked for a comment, Voldemort said 'Hey, I may be evil incarnate, but that cat Cheney gives me the willies. When he dies, Hell will close and everyone will go to Heaven. Because he scares the Hell out of the dead, too!'."

  28. DaRooster

    “end-stage heart failure”… sound promising… yet he's still around. DAMMIT!

  29. freakishlywrong

    Good thing we decided to "look forward" and not go back and prosecute criminals. Good. Thing.

    1. mormos

      There are five people I would like to see tried for war crimes in this country. They are: Dick Cheney, George Bush, Donald Rumsfeld, George Tenet, and Karl Rove.

      Rove didn't really do anything, but the man needs the fear of God put into him.

      1. glamourdammerung

        Rove didn't really do anything, but the man needs the fear of God put into him.

        Re-criminalizing homosexuality would work.

  30. Slim_Pickins

    Yes, misinformation gained by waterboarding Kahlid Sheikh Mohammed lead indirectly to bin Laden when it didn't agree with intelligence acquired without torture. See torture works!

  31. mourningnmerica

    I liked the part in the interview where he ran the razor over his tongue, so he could get his blood fix.

  32. Terry

    I thought the plan was for the Cheney and Bush families to run off to their secret ranches in Paraguay or Uraguay by now. I'm really looking forward to that day.

  33. Lascauxcaveman

    the guy who had over 7 years to torture his way to bin Laden but failed is lecturing the guy who did find him on how to deal with terrorism.

    He is being consistent to the Republican way of doing things:

    Cut taxes on the rich to improve the economy —> economy gets much worse —> cut taxes on the rich to improve economy

    Work full time to regulate every woman's uterus —> get re-elected on campaign of getting the government off our backs —> work full time to regulate every woman's uterus

    Waterboard potential informants to get information to catch the bad guy —-> fail to get information to catch the bad guy —> Waterboard potential informants to get information to catch the bad guy

    1. WriteyWriterton

      What a bargain! Three operational definitions of "insanity" for the price of one!

    2. freakishlywrong

      I fist this very much. Only you forgot "blame the left, Democrats, liberals, etc." after the policies fail and before introducing them again.

      1. Lascauxcaveman

        Given a moment's thought, there are probably quite a few more we could add.

  34. Sophist [غني عن ذلك]

    Well, when he bumps into him in hell he can personally ask him for one.

  35. Redhead

    So Cheney's against stem cell research because then there are fewer aborted fetuses for him to eat every day, rate?

  36. L188188

    Why does ANYTHING have to be "made clear" to you, you bloodless piece of shit? Who gives a shit what you understand? Just make sure you have a fresh pile of Depends, the remote control and some pudding nearby, and shut up.

  37. WriteyWriterton

    [snark off]

    I would so like to see this shameless and disgraceful b*&tard in the dock at the Hague, along with Bush, Wolfowitz, Rumsfeld, and Yoo (especially Yoo). They disgust me.

    [snark on]

      1. WriteyWriterton

        I'd like a photo of him chained to a chair in the waiting area in a precinct station. I'd frame that.

  38. PostApocalypse

    Obama killing bin Laden proves only one thing. Torture as a means to an end lacks purity. Torture is the end.

    1. Ducksworthy

      DVD's of Kalid Sheik Muhammad being waterboarded were the only thing that could get if hard for him toward the end.

    2. PostApocalypse

      It's just like with hunting. You don't go hunting for food. You go hunting to shoot a guy in the face.

  39. mavenmaven

    Gotta understand the mindset: Its more fun to be allowed to torture than to actually achieve any goals. Abu Ghreib was cool! Too bad Bin Laden is dead, because we could have tortured us up a few ragheads! Dems take away all our freedoms!

    1. AJW@[redacted]

      They wouldn't believe that any more than they believe a birth announcement.

  40. Limeylizzie

    I am almost to the point where I loathe the daughter more than the vile Dick, maybe because she and I have the same name, maybe because she and I are both women, maybe because she and I are both short ,white women….fuck me running , I am Liz Cheney.

    1. freakishlywrong

      That mother of hers is no day at the seaside either. So, unless your mother was a strident, hateful harridan who could marry and re-produce with a vampire such a Dick, you, Limey, are no Liz Cheney. +you're funny and very salty, she is neither of these things.

      1. Limeylizzie

        Thanks for the talking down from the ledge, Freakishlywrong, seriously she is just such a ghastly creature. How can you get to be that hateful ? She must have been abused or spoiled rotten, one or the other.

    2. flamingpdog

      Today, we are ALL Liz Cheney! (My apologies, ahead of time, to everybody.)

    3. HELisforHEL

      No, you are definitely NOT that she-thing of evil. You have a functioning heart and brain and soul. Items that the Cheney family does not possess.

  41. An_Outhouse

    Why don't they arrest the war criminal and then he can find out if there is "an interrogation program to put someone through,” ?

  42. kissawookiee

    On a lighter note, Cheney said his health has improved since last year when he was diagnosed with “end-stage heart failure” and fitted with a battery powered device that helps his heart function.

    The battery powered device is just a cover; it's really the horcruxes that keep him going.

  43. Sue4466

    "Oh, isn’t that cute, the guy who had over 7 years to torture his way to bin Laden but failed is lecturing the guy who did find him on how to deal with terrorism."

    Sums it up perfectly.

  44. JustPixelz

    If torture works — like the Cheney and other wingers claim — and if it's morally justified — because it saves lives — there is absolutely no reason not to use it. In fact, we shouldn't limit ourselves to waterboarding. Its results are sketchy at best. Let's torture a presumptive terrorist's children in front of him. That will work. And save lives. Your move, Liz Cheney.

  45. anniegetyerfun

    I'm not saying that Obama SHOULD ensure that Cheney is never accepted onto the recipient list for a heart transplant. But he COULD.

  46. cheetojeebus

    not sure why, but i am reminded of that fat striped demon in Tim Burton's Nightmare before Christmas? the one full of bugs and stuff. Dude prolly smells of a freshly opened year old casket dug from the grave just this morning. I don't know of anyone in public life right now who i despise more than this man.

  47. El Pinche

    Ooooh oooh! I have a rebuttal. Here goes….

    OBL was killed under Command and Chief Barack HUSSEIN Obama. The End.

  48. LakeLucilleLoon

    I'm pretty sure that photo of Cheney is the same one that Bristol Palin gave to her plastic surgeon.

  49. NewtsChicknNeck

    i really enjoyed dana perino's multiple appearances. very meta when you remember that in 50 years some waaaay hotter bimbo will be press secretary for one of W's grandchildren and "not really know" what osama bin laden is…and the circle of life (for spokesmodels) will be complete. just like dana and her problem remembering about cuba and missiles. of course, dana's excuse is that it happened before she was born. which, wow. i'm done.

    of course, that also explains mccain's expertise in all things Teddy Roosevelt.

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