the banality of basic cable

If Osama Were Alive, He’d Be Watching Himself On TV Watch Himself On TV


This weekend, the U.S. released parts of videos found on the number of hard drives that were not used by Osama bin Laden for illegally downloaded Wes Anderson movies. The videos, such as the one above of the famewhore murderer watching himself on teevee and switching the channel when his friend Barry Hussein comes on the tiny screen (seriously, guy lived in a mansion and couldn’t afford a flat screen? that’s the most un-American thing of all), are meant to embarrass him. But c’mon, USA, everybody loves the blooper reel!

“[This is] just a guy who wants to be seen, who wants to be known,” Wright said. “Very pathetic in a way.”

He does look a bit old to be Generation Y, but maybe all that murder has kept him young at heart.

We anxiously await the Osama bin Laden sextape. You know, the one where he gets raped by a water buffalo in his ratty, mostly dead courtyard garden. Hurry up and find it, CIA, so we can set it to a Kelly Clarkson song and put it on YouTube. [ABC News]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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  • CapeClod

    I think Donald Trump does the same thing.

    • freakishlywrong

      Well, he also has three wives, so there's that.

  • DaSandman

    He was getting the streaming Netflix prompt "Unable to connect to the Internet."

    It's frustrating. Hence all the homicide.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      I know that buffering bullshit makes me crazy, so I can understand his frustration.

  • Buzz Feedback

    Al-Qaeda prohibits any use of the pictures or descriptions of this jihad without its express written consent.

    • Weenus299

      No muslims were harmed in the making of this film.

      • horsedreamer_1

        Luke Scott says you could have just as well said "animals" instead of "Muslins".

    • DashboardBuddha

      the National Jihad League and its affiliates.

  • memzilla

    I'm picturing Glenn Beck with a beard and a kaffiyah, and Osama with a crewcut and no beard, and frankly, it works both ways.

  • http://wonkette.com/ Monsieur_Grumpe

    Hey! That’s the same kind of TeeVee that Ken watches!

  • BaldarTFlagass

    VHS or Betamax?

    • baconzgood

      Laser Disk.

      • horsedreamer_1

        Diabetic Islamists — they're just like us Rob Zombie!

  • SorosBot

    He's just ripping off Spaceballs here.

  • http://thethingsrepublicanshate.com/ Chillwaver

    I think Osama would've been a lot more comfortable watching HBO at Guantanamo Resort & Spa.

  • memzilla

    Probably surfing for the Playgoat Channel or Al Jizz-Era.

    • spudgun

      Wow, that's a visual — Playgoat. Way to make me spit-take my morning tea, memzilla!

  • Weenus299

    I reckon OBL could rustle up some good snatch if he wanted. He's a master terr'ist, for crhissake!

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I'm too sexy for my love too sexy for my love
    Love's going to leave me
    I'm too sexy for my shirt too sexy for my shirt
    So sexy it hurts
    And I'm too sexy for Milan too sexy for Milan
    New York and Japan
    And I'm too sexy for your party
    Too sexy for your party
    I'm too sexy for my car too sexy for my car
    Too sexy by far
    And I'm too sexy for my hat
    Too sexy for my hat what do you think about that

    • James Michael Curley

      Madman drummers bummers and Indians in the summer with a teenage diplomat
      In the dumps with the mumps as the adolescent pumps his way into his hat

  • http://howtosavetheworld.ca/ BZ1

    Checking the video indicates that Osama used Grecian formula…

  • CapeClod

    After a while he got bored and tossed in his "Girls Gone Chaste, Vol. XI" DVD.

  • Weenus299

    Him figuring out how to work the VCR was fuckin' POETRY, man.

    • memzilla

      Probably was wondering why the remote detonator wasn't working.

  • http://howtosavetheworld.ca/ BZ1

    If this is a million-dollar estate in Pakistan, what does a half-million dollar estate look like (fill in the answers below)?

    • LetUsBray

      As crappy as a half-million dollar "estate" in So. California?

    • Fare la Volpe

      Bristol's house.

    • CapeClod

      A lot like Snowbilly's house.

    • riverside68

      No goats

    • DaRooster

      Like a double wide… but with one of them nifty carport roofs over it.

  • samsuncle

    With the beard, knit hat, and blanket he looks like the ubiquitous homeless dude found in any big city. He would be alive today if only he had moved to NYC and hid in plain site.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    So, I'm watching a video of a guy watching TV. FML.

    • http://wonkette.com/ Monsieur_Grumpe

      And you're blogging about it.

      • BaldarTFlagass

        And you're commenting about my blogging about it.
        This is great.

  • Goonemeritus

    Mother of God, is there any way I can unread that!

  • x111e7thst

    His wives were probably really tired of hearing him talk about how he could have been a contender.

    • SayItWithWookies

      "I'm still big — it's terrorism that's gotten small."

  • JoshuaNorton

    Seriously, it’s kind of obvious that a million dollars in Abbottabad doesn’t buy you much curb appeal

    • elviouslyqueer

      Evidently OBL didn't splurge on the upgrade package so he could access HGTV, Fine Living, and Martha Stewart.

  • DaRooster

    "Could I get a fucking chair up in this bitch? And who gave me this knit fucking cap… its 108 degrees."

    • baconzgood

      Win!

  • Lucidamente1

    "Why can't I find Midnight Blue with Al Goldstein? Dammit, I miss that fat Jew and the naked infidel ladies."

  • Texan_Bulldog

    Ummm…who videotapes themselves watching TV. Oh, that's right–all my stupid Facebook friends–thanks iPhone 4! OBL would have been right at home on FB.

    • bagofmice

      I'm fairly certain he held strong views on their privacy policies.

  • Weenus299

    9/11 was a long-distance dedication gone wrong.

    • ghblowhard

      LOL Good One! Are we dating ourselves with our Casey Kasem knowledge?

  • MinAgain

    It's probably a good thing bin Laden never learned about Jumbo Tron technology.

  • DaRooster

    Yeah, but I'm fucking HOT!

  • OkieDokieDog

    I suggest this muzak soundtrack instead of Kelly Clarkson –
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vsQzw_Ax8Cw

  • horsedreamer_1

    His tee-vee gets more channels than mine.

    Thanks a lot, Best Buy, for the piece of crap antenna you sold me with my flat-screen!

    • bagofmice

      Antenna? Have you not heard of hulu?

  • DaRooster

    Benny Hill reruns?
    Leave It To Beaver?
    Cosby Show?
    Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?
    Man, there is never ANYTHING on… oh wait… WWE… Huzzah!

  • Arken

    I got 2/3 of the way through it before asking myself why the hell I was watching an old man sitting on his ass doing nothing.

    • baconzgood

      We call that "visiting grandpa" in my family.

    • DaRooster

      He's no Daniel Tosh.

      • RavenRant

        Is it wrong to hate Daniel Tosh more than OBL?

        • DaRooster

          Not anymore…

  • JoshuaNorton

    Why is he trying to watch "Wheel of Fortune" on a Commodore 64?

  • SexySmurf

    Needs more Scarface poster.

  • forgracie

    "When I look at the television I want to see me staring right back at me." Counting Crows

  • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

    Could be Osama. Could be my grandfather. Both have about as much ability with a remote.

    If you zoom in on the other channels he's got in his FAV list, pretty sure it has Bravo, Food Network, Fox News and Lifetime.

  • GregComlish

    By viewing an image of Osama looking at an image of Osama, the viewer is put in the challenging position of empathizing with Osama. Osama himself is revealed to be an invention of the lens, making him both more naked and more human. By pushing Osama's vulnerability vis-a-vis the media age, the artist exposes the roles we adopt ("Father", "Media Critic", "International Terrorist Mastermind") as artifacts of the arbitrary conditioning we experience. Every response to life, even the most retrograde and primal religious zealotry is, in some sense, a product of the emptiness of modern life.

    "[Viewer watching] Osama watching Osama"
    Video Recording
    Osama Bin Laden
    May, 2011

    • Thurman Munster IV

      All it needs is Osama in a container of piss and it'll be in the Saatchi

    • ShaveTheWhales

      Please tell me you don't actually do that for a living.

    • Timofmars

      My thoughts exactly.

    • ttommyunger

      …what he said.

  • riverside68

    Depressing. No evil sidekick, no freakish pet, no dancing women.

    ADD channel surfing on a 15" TV. Bundled up like a nursing home resident.

    Okay I'm convinced, mass murder/jihad is not a great career choice. A moment of thrill, 10 years of stupefying boredom. (And UBL was the successful one. Just think of all the failed evil mass murderer wanta be's.)

  • ottercliff

    Can someone put me in touch with his decorator?

    • MissTaken

      Decorator not needed. It's the Jihadssen product line at IKEA, right next to the swedish meatballs.

  • baconzgood

    "Osama honey, it's a lovely day today. Why don't you turn off the TV and go to the park and play with your friends so mommy can get some house work done."

  • JoshuaNorton

    I'll take "Things you find in Baba ghanoush" for 500, Alex.

  • Rosie_Scenario

    Bin Laden wrapped in a blanket sitting in front of the TV. But, wait, I think he is wearing a Snuggie. Worst terrorist move ever. Well, second worst.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Well now home entertainment was my baby's wish
    So I hopped into town for a satellite dish
    I tied it to the top of my japanese car
    I came home and I pointed it out into the stars
    A message came back from the great beyond
    There's fifty-seven channels and nothin' on

  • Hatrabbit

    Watching 'Real Terrorist Housewives of Abottabad"

  • horsedreamer_1

    Moby's was worse.

  • TanzbodenKoenig

    I prefer watchin myself on the 30 big screen TVs at Best Buy

  • PubOption

    Bin Laden spent all his time watching his TV, which was plugged into a ratty extension cord, in the basement. He wore clothes in dingy camouflage colors, and had been photographed and videotaped with guns. He supposedly had health problems. Sounds like a teabagger to me

  • mavenmaven

    Yes, but which newspapers did he like to read?

    • elviouslyqueer

      All of them, Ahmed.

      • jqheywood

        FTW!

      • horsedreamer_1

        How did one of Frank Zappa's kids get to Osama before the U.S. government?

    • DaRooster

      Weekly World News. Especially the ones with the aliens on the cover.

  • widestanceroman

    Now this is what he really watched (and just look at that sex machine GO!):
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7sJOEOAmJVo&fe

    • neiltheblaze

      Dancing with the Stumps

  • elviouslyqueer
    • BaldarTFlagass

      Archie Bunker?

    • neiltheblaze

      Newtie is looking all mottle-faced and doughy in that picture. His pin-up days are clearly over.

    • SayItWithWookies

      Joe the Plumber?

    • horsedreamer_1

      Beavis & Butt-head?

  • Poindexter718

    I dare anybody to try and get the remote out of that ol' fecker's hands during an Al Jazera story about Qaeda or a Matlock re-run.

  • WIDTAP

    …and the Americans just laugh and laugh at OBL's use of an analog picture tube TV.

    Is there no end to the humiliation that Al Quaeda must suffer?

  • Slim_Pickins

    I think that he's watching the Soaps, and no amount of "evidence" will convince me otherwise.

  • TheMeatmaker

    With so many wives, it was hard to find time for the Lakers games.

  • owhatever

    Ginger or Mary Ann? Ginger or Mary Ann?

  • e_z
  • ttommyunger

    Fortunately, "Objects in mirror are larger than they appear", so, I've got THAT going for me!

  • ttommyunger

    Adult Swim or GTFO!