THE BANALITY OF BASIC CABLE  10:36 am May 9, 2011

If Osama Were Alive, He’d Be Watching Himself On TV Watch Himself On TV

by Jack Stuef


This weekend, the U.S. released parts of videos found on the number of hard drives that were not used by Osama bin Laden for illegally downloaded Wes Anderson movies. The videos, such as the one above of the famewhore murderer watching himself on teevee and switching the channel when his friend Barry Hussein comes on the tiny screen (seriously, guy lived in a mansion and couldn’t afford a flat screen? that’s the most un-American thing of all), are meant to embarrass him. But c’mon, USA, everybody loves the blooper reel!

“[This is] just a guy who wants to be seen, who wants to be known,” Wright said. “Very pathetic in a way.”

He does look a bit old to be Generation Y, but maybe all that murder has kept him young at heart.

We anxiously await the Osama bin Laden sextape. You know, the one where he gets raped by a water buffalo in his ratty, mostly dead courtyard garden. Hurry up and find it, CIA, so we can set it to a Kelly Clarkson song and put it on YouTube. [ABC News]

 
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{ 97 comments }

CapeClod May 9, 2011 at 10:40 am

I think Donald Trump does the same thing.

freakishlywrong May 9, 2011 at 10:43 am

Well, he also has three wives, so there's that.

DaSandman May 9, 2011 at 10:41 am

He was getting the streaming Netflix prompt "Unable to connect to the Internet."

It's frustrating. Hence all the homicide.

BaldarTFlagass May 9, 2011 at 10:46 am

I know that buffering bullshit makes me crazy, so I can understand his frustration.

Buzz Feedback May 9, 2011 at 10:43 am

Al-Qaeda prohibits any use of the pictures or descriptions of this jihad without its express written consent.

Weenus299 May 9, 2011 at 10:50 am

No muslims were harmed in the making of this film.

horsedreamer_1 May 9, 2011 at 10:57 am

Luke Scott says you could have just as well said "animals" instead of "Muslins".

DashboardBuddha May 9, 2011 at 11:03 am

the National Jihad League and its affiliates.

memzilla May 9, 2011 at 10:44 am

I'm picturing Glenn Beck with a beard and a kaffiyah, and Osama with a crewcut and no beard, and frankly, it works both ways.

Monsieur_Grumpe May 9, 2011 at 10:44 am

Hey! That’s the same kind of TeeVee that Ken watches!

BaldarTFlagass May 9, 2011 at 10:45 am

VHS or Betamax?

baconzgood May 9, 2011 at 10:51 am

Laser Disk.

horsedreamer_1 May 9, 2011 at 10:58 am

Diabetic Islamists — they're just like us Rob Zombie!

SorosBot May 9, 2011 at 10:47 am

He's just ripping off Spaceballs here.

Chillwaver May 9, 2011 at 10:47 am

I think Osama would've been a lot more comfortable watching HBO at Guantanamo Resort & Spa.

memzilla May 9, 2011 at 10:48 am

Probably surfing for the Playgoat Channel or Al Jizz-Era.

spudgun May 9, 2011 at 12:29 pm

Wow, that's a visual — Playgoat. Way to make me spit-take my morning tea, memzilla!

Weenus299 May 9, 2011 at 10:48 am

I reckon OBL could rustle up some good snatch if he wanted. He's a master terr'ist, for crhissake!

BaldarTFlagass May 9, 2011 at 10:48 am

I'm too sexy for my love too sexy for my love
Love's going to leave me
I'm too sexy for my shirt too sexy for my shirt
So sexy it hurts
And I'm too sexy for Milan too sexy for Milan
New York and Japan
And I'm too sexy for your party
Too sexy for your party
I'm too sexy for my car too sexy for my car
Too sexy by far
And I'm too sexy for my hat
Too sexy for my hat what do you think about that

James Michael Curley May 9, 2011 at 1:24 pm

Madman drummers bummers and Indians in the summer with a teenage diplomat
In the dumps with the mumps as the adolescent pumps his way into his hat

BZ1 May 9, 2011 at 10:48 am

Checking the video indicates that Osama used Grecian formula…

CapeClod May 9, 2011 at 10:48 am

After a while he got bored and tossed in his "Girls Gone Chaste, Vol. XI" DVD.

Weenus299 May 9, 2011 at 10:49 am

Him figuring out how to work the VCR was fuckin' POETRY, man.

memzilla May 9, 2011 at 10:51 am

Probably was wondering why the remote detonator wasn't working.

BZ1 May 9, 2011 at 10:50 am

If this is a million-dollar estate in Pakistan, what does a half-million dollar estate look like (fill in the answers below)?

LetUsBray May 9, 2011 at 10:53 am

As crappy as a half-million dollar "estate" in So. California?

Fare la Volpe May 9, 2011 at 10:53 am

Bristol's house.

CapeClod May 9, 2011 at 10:56 am

A lot like Snowbilly's house.

riverside68 May 9, 2011 at 10:58 am

No goats

DaRooster May 9, 2011 at 11:24 am

Like a double wide… but with one of them nifty carport roofs over it.

samsuncle May 9, 2011 at 10:50 am

With the beard, knit hat, and blanket he looks like the ubiquitous homeless dude found in any big city. He would be alive today if only he had moved to NYC and hid in plain site.

BaldarTFlagass May 9, 2011 at 10:50 am

So, I'm watching a video of a guy watching TV. FML.

Monsieur_Grumpe May 9, 2011 at 11:07 am

And you're blogging about it.

BaldarTFlagass May 9, 2011 at 11:24 am

And you're commenting about my blogging about it.
This is great.

Goonemeritus May 9, 2011 at 10:50 am

Mother of God, is there any way I can unread that!

x111e7thst May 9, 2011 at 10:51 am

His wives were probably really tired of hearing him talk about how he could have been a contender.

SayItWithWookies May 9, 2011 at 11:41 am

"I'm still big — it's terrorism that's gotten small."

JoshuaNorton May 9, 2011 at 10:52 am

Seriously, it’s kind of obvious that a million dollars in Abbottabad doesn’t buy you much curb appeal

elviouslyqueer May 9, 2011 at 11:08 am

Evidently OBL didn't splurge on the upgrade package so he could access HGTV, Fine Living, and Martha Stewart.

DaRooster May 9, 2011 at 10:52 am

"Could I get a fucking chair up in this bitch? And who gave me this knit fucking cap… its 108 degrees."

baconzgood May 9, 2011 at 10:55 am

Win!

Lucidamente1 May 9, 2011 at 10:54 am

"Why can't I find Midnight Blue with Al Goldstein? Dammit, I miss that fat Jew and the naked infidel ladies."

Texan_Bulldog May 9, 2011 at 10:55 am

Ummm…who videotapes themselves watching TV. Oh, that's right–all my stupid Facebook friends–thanks iPhone 4! OBL would have been right at home on FB.

bagofmice May 9, 2011 at 11:06 am

I'm fairly certain he held strong views on their privacy policies.

Weenus299 May 9, 2011 at 10:55 am

9/11 was a long-distance dedication gone wrong.

ghblowhard May 9, 2011 at 7:37 pm

LOL Good One! Are we dating ourselves with our Casey Kasem knowledge?

MinAgain May 9, 2011 at 10:56 am

It's probably a good thing bin Laden never learned about Jumbo Tron technology.

DaRooster May 9, 2011 at 10:56 am

Yeah, but I'm fucking HOT!

OkieDokieDog May 9, 2011 at 10:57 am

I suggest this muzak soundtrack instead of Kelly Clarkson –
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vsQzw_Ax8Cw

horsedreamer_1 May 9, 2011 at 10:59 am

His tee-vee gets more channels than mine.

Thanks a lot, Best Buy, for the piece of crap antenna you sold me with my flat-screen!

bagofmice May 9, 2011 at 11:08 am

Antenna? Have you not heard of hulu?

DaRooster May 9, 2011 at 10:59 am

Benny Hill reruns?
Leave It To Beaver?
Cosby Show?
Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?
Man, there is never ANYTHING on… oh wait… WWE… Huzzah!

Arken May 9, 2011 at 10:59 am

I got 2/3 of the way through it before asking myself why the hell I was watching an old man sitting on his ass doing nothing.

baconzgood May 9, 2011 at 11:01 am

We call that "visiting grandpa" in my family.

DaRooster May 9, 2011 at 11:04 am

He's no Daniel Tosh.

RavenRant May 9, 2011 at 11:32 am

Is it wrong to hate Daniel Tosh more than OBL?

DaRooster May 9, 2011 at 12:10 pm

Not anymore…

JoshuaNorton May 9, 2011 at 11:00 am

Why is he trying to watch "Wheel of Fortune" on a Commodore 64?

SexySmurf May 9, 2011 at 11:02 am

Needs more Scarface poster.

forgracie May 9, 2011 at 11:02 am

"When I look at the television I want to see me staring right back at me." Counting Crows

JustPixelz May 9, 2011 at 11:02 am

Could be Osama. Could be my grandfather. Both have about as much ability with a remote.

If you zoom in on the other channels he's got in his FAV list, pretty sure it has Bravo, Food Network, Fox News and Lifetime.

GregComlish May 9, 2011 at 11:03 am

By viewing an image of Osama looking at an image of Osama, the viewer is put in the challenging position of empathizing with Osama. Osama himself is revealed to be an invention of the lens, making him both more naked and more human. By pushing Osama's vulnerability vis-a-vis the media age, the artist exposes the roles we adopt ("Father", "Media Critic", "International Terrorist Mastermind") as artifacts of the arbitrary conditioning we experience. Every response to life, even the most retrograde and primal religious zealotry is, in some sense, a product of the emptiness of modern life.

"[Viewer watching] Osama watching Osama"
Video Recording
Osama Bin Laden
May, 2011

Thurman Munster IV May 9, 2011 at 11:06 am

All it needs is Osama in a container of piss and it'll be in the Saatchi

ShaveTheWhales May 9, 2011 at 2:04 pm

Please tell me you don't actually do that for a living.

Timofmars May 10, 2011 at 1:08 am

My thoughts exactly.

ttommyunger May 10, 2011 at 8:01 am

…what he said.

riverside68 May 9, 2011 at 11:06 am

Depressing. No evil sidekick, no freakish pet, no dancing women.

ADD channel surfing on a 15" TV. Bundled up like a nursing home resident.

Okay I'm convinced, mass murder/jihad is not a great career choice. A moment of thrill, 10 years of stupefying boredom. (And UBL was the successful one. Just think of all the failed evil mass murderer wanta be's.)

ottercliff May 9, 2011 at 11:07 am

Can someone put me in touch with his decorator?

MissTaken May 9, 2011 at 1:45 pm

Decorator not needed. It's the Jihadssen product line at IKEA, right next to the swedish meatballs.

baconzgood May 9, 2011 at 11:09 am

"Osama honey, it's a lovely day today. Why don't you turn off the TV and go to the park and play with your friends so mommy can get some house work done."

JoshuaNorton May 9, 2011 at 11:10 am

I'll take "Things you find in Baba ghanoush" for 500, Alex.

Rosie_Scenario May 9, 2011 at 11:13 am

Bin Laden wrapped in a blanket sitting in front of the TV. But, wait, I think he is wearing a Snuggie. Worst terrorist move ever. Well, second worst.

BaldarTFlagass May 9, 2011 at 11:16 am

Well now home entertainment was my baby's wish
So I hopped into town for a satellite dish
I tied it to the top of my japanese car
I came home and I pointed it out into the stars
A message came back from the great beyond
There's fifty-seven channels and nothin' on

Hatrabbit May 9, 2011 at 11:16 am

Watching 'Real Terrorist Housewives of Abottabad"

horsedreamer_1 May 9, 2011 at 11:18 am

Moby's was worse.

TanzbodenKoenig May 9, 2011 at 11:18 am

I prefer watchin myself on the 30 big screen TVs at Best Buy

PubOption May 9, 2011 at 11:19 am

Bin Laden spent all his time watching his TV, which was plugged into a ratty extension cord, in the basement. He wore clothes in dingy camouflage colors, and had been photographed and videotaped with guns. He supposedly had health problems. Sounds like a teabagger to me

mavenmaven May 9, 2011 at 11:20 am

Yes, but which newspapers did he like to read?

elviouslyqueer May 9, 2011 at 11:25 am

All of them, Ahmed.

jqheywood May 9, 2011 at 11:30 am

FTW!

horsedreamer_1 May 9, 2011 at 3:17 pm

How did one of Frank Zappa's kids get to Osama before the U.S. government?

DaRooster May 9, 2011 at 12:03 pm

Weekly World News. Especially the ones with the aliens on the cover.

widestanceroman May 9, 2011 at 11:31 am

Now this is what he really watched (and just look at that sex machine GO!):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7sJOEOAmJVo&fe

neiltheblaze May 9, 2011 at 11:57 am

Dancing with the Stumps

elviouslyqueer May 9, 2011 at 11:39 am
BaldarTFlagass May 9, 2011 at 11:39 am

Archie Bunker?

neiltheblaze May 9, 2011 at 11:59 am

Newtie is looking all mottle-faced and doughy in that picture. His pin-up days are clearly over.

SayItWithWookies May 9, 2011 at 12:13 pm

Joe the Plumber?

horsedreamer_1 May 9, 2011 at 3:17 pm

Beavis & Butt-head?

Poindexter718 May 9, 2011 at 11:40 am

I dare anybody to try and get the remote out of that ol' fecker's hands during an Al Jazera story about Qaeda or a Matlock re-run.

WIDTAP May 9, 2011 at 11:43 am

…and the Americans just laugh and laugh at OBL's use of an analog picture tube TV.

Is there no end to the humiliation that Al Quaeda must suffer?

Slim_Pickins May 9, 2011 at 11:46 am

I think that he's watching the Soaps, and no amount of "evidence" will convince me otherwise.

TheMeatmaker May 9, 2011 at 12:07 pm

With so many wives, it was hard to find time for the Lakers games.

owhatever May 9, 2011 at 12:39 pm

Ginger or Mary Ann? Ginger or Mary Ann?

e_z May 9, 2011 at 3:39 pm
ttommyunger May 10, 2011 at 7:58 am

Fortunately, "Objects in mirror are larger than they appear", so, I've got THAT going for me!

ttommyunger May 10, 2011 at 8:03 am

Adult Swim or GTFO!

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