the banality of basic cable

If Osama Were Alive, He’d Be Watching Himself On TV Watch Himself On TV

This weekend, the U.S. released parts of videos found on the number of hard drives that were not used by Osama bin Laden for illegally downloaded Wes Anderson movies. The videos, such as the one above of the famewhore murderer watching himself on teevee and switching the channel when his friend Barry Hussein comes on the tiny screen (seriously, guy lived in a mansion and couldn’t afford a flat screen? that’s the most un-American thing of all), are meant to embarrass him. But c’mon, USA, everybody loves the blooper reel!

“[This is] just a guy who wants to be seen, who wants to be known,” Wright said. “Very pathetic in a way.”

He does look a bit old to be Generation Y, but maybe all that murder has kept him young at heart.

We anxiously await the Osama bin Laden sextape. You know, the one where he gets raped by a water buffalo in his ratty, mostly dead courtyard garden. Hurry up and find it, CIA, so we can set it to a Kelly Clarkson song and put it on YouTube. [ABC News]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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  1. DaSandman

    He was getting the streaming Netflix prompt "Unable to connect to the Internet."

    It's frustrating. Hence all the homicide.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      I know that buffering bullshit makes me crazy, so I can understand his frustration.

  2. Buzz Feedback

    Al-Qaeda prohibits any use of the pictures or descriptions of this jihad without its express written consent.

      1. horsedreamer_1

        Luke Scott says you could have just as well said "animals" instead of "Muslins".

  3. memzilla

    I'm picturing Glenn Beck with a beard and a kaffiyah, and Osama with a crewcut and no beard, and frankly, it works both ways.

    1. spudgun

      Wow, that's a visual — Playgoat. Way to make me spit-take my morning tea, memzilla!

  4. Weenus299

    I reckon OBL could rustle up some good snatch if he wanted. He's a master terr'ist, for crhissake!

  5. BaldarTFlagass

    I'm too sexy for my love too sexy for my love
    Love's going to leave me
    I'm too sexy for my shirt too sexy for my shirt
    So sexy it hurts
    And I'm too sexy for Milan too sexy for Milan
    New York and Japan
    And I'm too sexy for your party
    Too sexy for your party
    I'm too sexy for my car too sexy for my car
    Too sexy by far
    And I'm too sexy for my hat
    Too sexy for my hat what do you think about that

    1. James Michael Curley

      Madman drummers bummers and Indians in the summer with a teenage diplomat
      In the dumps with the mumps as the adolescent pumps his way into his hat

  6. BZ1

    If this is a million-dollar estate in Pakistan, what does a half-million dollar estate look like (fill in the answers below)?

  7. samsuncle

    With the beard, knit hat, and blanket he looks like the ubiquitous homeless dude found in any big city. He would be alive today if only he had moved to NYC and hid in plain site.

  8. x111e7thst

    His wives were probably really tired of hearing him talk about how he could have been a contender.

  9. JoshuaNorton

    Seriously, it’s kind of obvious that a million dollars in Abbottabad doesn’t buy you much curb appeal

    1. elviouslyqueer

      Evidently OBL didn't splurge on the upgrade package so he could access HGTV, Fine Living, and Martha Stewart.

  10. DaRooster

    "Could I get a fucking chair up in this bitch? And who gave me this knit fucking cap… its 108 degrees."

  11. Lucidamente1

    "Why can't I find Midnight Blue with Al Goldstein? Dammit, I miss that fat Jew and the naked infidel ladies."

  12. Texan_Bulldog

    Ummm…who videotapes themselves watching TV. Oh, that's right–all my stupid Facebook friends–thanks iPhone 4! OBL would have been right at home on FB.

  13. horsedreamer_1

    His tee-vee gets more channels than mine.

    Thanks a lot, Best Buy, for the piece of crap antenna you sold me with my flat-screen!

  14. DaRooster

    Benny Hill reruns?
    Leave It To Beaver?
    Cosby Show?
    Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?
    Man, there is never ANYTHING on… oh wait… WWE… Huzzah!

  15. Arken

    I got 2/3 of the way through it before asking myself why the hell I was watching an old man sitting on his ass doing nothing.

  16. forgracie

    "When I look at the television I want to see me staring right back at me." Counting Crows

  17. JustPixelz

    Could be Osama. Could be my grandfather. Both have about as much ability with a remote.

    If you zoom in on the other channels he's got in his FAV list, pretty sure it has Bravo, Food Network, Fox News and Lifetime.

  18. GregComlish

    By viewing an image of Osama looking at an image of Osama, the viewer is put in the challenging position of empathizing with Osama. Osama himself is revealed to be an invention of the lens, making him both more naked and more human. By pushing Osama's vulnerability vis-a-vis the media age, the artist exposes the roles we adopt ("Father", "Media Critic", "International Terrorist Mastermind") as artifacts of the arbitrary conditioning we experience. Every response to life, even the most retrograde and primal religious zealotry is, in some sense, a product of the emptiness of modern life.

    "[Viewer watching] Osama watching Osama"
    Video Recording
    Osama Bin Laden
    May, 2011

    1. Thurman Munster IV

      All it needs is Osama in a container of piss and it'll be in the Saatchi

  19. riverside68

    Depressing. No evil sidekick, no freakish pet, no dancing women.

    ADD channel surfing on a 15" TV. Bundled up like a nursing home resident.

    Okay I'm convinced, mass murder/jihad is not a great career choice. A moment of thrill, 10 years of stupefying boredom. (And UBL was the successful one. Just think of all the failed evil mass murderer wanta be's.)

    1. MissTaken

      Decorator not needed. It's the Jihadssen product line at IKEA, right next to the swedish meatballs.

  20. baconzgood

    "Osama honey, it's a lovely day today. Why don't you turn off the TV and go to the park and play with your friends so mommy can get some house work done."

  21. Rosie_Scenario

    Bin Laden wrapped in a blanket sitting in front of the TV. But, wait, I think he is wearing a Snuggie. Worst terrorist move ever. Well, second worst.

  22. BaldarTFlagass

    Well now home entertainment was my baby's wish
    So I hopped into town for a satellite dish
    I tied it to the top of my japanese car
    I came home and I pointed it out into the stars
    A message came back from the great beyond
    There's fifty-seven channels and nothin' on

  23. PubOption

    Bin Laden spent all his time watching his TV, which was plugged into a ratty extension cord, in the basement. He wore clothes in dingy camouflage colors, and had been photographed and videotaped with guns. He supposedly had health problems. Sounds like a teabagger to me

      1. horsedreamer_1

        How did one of Frank Zappa's kids get to Osama before the U.S. government?

    1. neiltheblaze

      Newtie is looking all mottle-faced and doughy in that picture. His pin-up days are clearly over.

  24. Poindexter718

    I dare anybody to try and get the remote out of that ol' fecker's hands during an Al Jazera story about Qaeda or a Matlock re-run.

  25. WIDTAP

    …and the Americans just laugh and laugh at OBL's use of an analog picture tube TV.

    Is there no end to the humiliation that Al Quaeda must suffer?

  26. Slim_Pickins

    I think that he's watching the Soaps, and no amount of "evidence" will convince me otherwise.

  27. ttommyunger

    Fortunately, "Objects in mirror are larger than they appear", so, I've got THAT going for me!

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