Hello, friends! After nearly two years of writing weird stuff on the Internet, it’s time for “Intern Riley” to “cut and run.” Where are we going? Who knows! At any rate: Writing for Wonkette completely transformed our life, in a good way, we think. We remember when Ken Layne emailed us our WordPress Login Info, when we first started at this blog, in the Summer of 2009. The password that Ken gave us was: “$ummer^666.” He ended his email with a short note. “Change your password, if you want.” We knew right away that a lot more than just a password was going to change. Anyway, Thank You!
Just a few things, before I go bye-bye:
- I’m twenty-three. Can anyone even begin to count how many countries we’ve flattened, for Freedom, since 1987? I’m twenty-three, and for my entire life, all I’ve known is war.
- The fact that the headline of every major newspaper on May 2 wasn’t “Alright. Time For Us To Go The Fuck Home!” is the only reason you need to distrust American Journalism.
- The Revolution will not be televised or livestreamed. Nothing on television/web video is revolutionary. Turn that shit off. It’s just a bunch of Sex, Violence and Fear. God knows how many misguided years I’ve spent reveling in these three things. I’m embarrassed for myself.
- Speaking of Revolution: In our glorious Information Age, Your Mind is where the real revolution is. That’s where all revolution begins, actually. Right there, in your noodle.
Also, I apologize for everything I’ve ever said or written. Except for this:
I’m twenty-three, and I’m pretty dumb, all things considered. But also:
I’m a crappy friend, a terrible son and a lousy brother.
The least I can do is say Fuck War.
I’ve got 99 problems, and Endless War is definitely one of them. It’s your problem, too.
To America’s Future, our College Goin’ Youngsters: I know that it’s fun to play on “the quad,” with your frisbees. And I know there’s all those cute guys and hawt ladies, for sexytime pleasure. Trust me, I totally understand. Just don’t let your schooling get in the way of your education. That would be very sad.
And if you’re opposed to Endless War, you keep good company: Voltaire, Thoreau, Twain, Vonnegut, Heller, Trumbo, Orwell — etc. etc. Lordy, even Helen Keller, who was dealt the shittiest hand, ever, and would have had every right to be a violent right-wing vengeful Bitter, was anti-war. She was actually a straight-up commie. Go figure.
Andrew Breitbart, Richard Cohen, and also most of the “liberal” pundits — nobody will remember these people. Actually, that’s not entirely accurate. In 100 years, some graduate student in a PhD program at the University of the Moon will cite some of that punditry, for his/her dissertation, “How America Became Fascist, On Twitter.”
Anyway, getting back to that revolution, in your head. The revolution has already happened for me. It was nonviolent, and didn’t involve the CIA. My new country is called the Democratic Republic of Rileyland. We’ve got a lot of problems, here in Rileyland. It’s not a very wealthy place, for starters. We have a very large deficit: We owe Sallie Mae a shit-ton of money. But the Democratic Republic of Rileyland does not tolerate endless war. We don’t travel around the world, curb-stomping brown people. Our citizens know better than that. The Democratic Republic of Rileyland has many, many problems — but it is, thankfully, a nation of Peace. And Hope. And Change. (You need Peace if you want those two other things, “Hope” and “Change,” by the way.)
There’s an election coming up in Rileyland. The pundits say I’ll be reelected, and not because I shot some guy in the face.
Much Love, and Peace,