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Goodbye Forever! Also: No More War, Please

Goodbye! We Will Miss You.Hello, friends! After nearly two years of writing weird stuff on the Internet, it’s time for “Intern Riley” to “cut and run.” Where are we going? Who knows! At any rate: Writing for Wonkette completely transformed our life, in a good way, we think. We remember when Ken Layne emailed us our WordPress Login Info, when we first started at this blog, in the Summer of 2009. The password that Ken gave us was: “$ummer^666.” He ended his email with a short note. “Change your password, if you want.” We knew right away that a lot more than just a password was going to change. Anyway, Thank You!

Just a few things, before I go bye-bye:

  • I’m twenty-three. Can anyone even begin to count how many countries we’ve flattened, for Freedom, since 1987? I’m twenty-three, and for my entire life, all I’ve known is war.
  • The fact that the headline of every major newspaper on May 2 wasn’t “Alright. Time For Us To Go The Fuck Home!” is the only reason you need to distrust American Journalism.
  • The Revolution will not be televised or livestreamed. Nothing on television/web video is revolutionary. Turn that shit off. It’s just a bunch of Sex, Violence and Fear. God knows how many misguided years I’ve spent reveling in these three things. I’m embarrassed for myself.
  • Speaking of Revolution: In our glorious Information Age, Your Mind is where the real revolution is. That’s where all revolution begins, actually. Right there, in your noodle.

Also, I apologize for everything I’ve ever said or written. Except for this:

Fuck War.

I’m twenty-three, and I’m pretty dumb, all things considered. But also:

Fuck War.

I’m a crappy friend, a terrible son and a lousy brother.

The least I can do is say Fuck War.

I’ve got 99 problems, and Endless War is definitely one of them. It’s your problem, too.

To America’s Future, our College Goin’ Youngsters: I know that it’s fun to play on “the quad,” with your frisbees. And I know there’s all those cute guys and hawt ladies, for sexytime pleasure. Trust me, I totally understand. Just don’t let your schooling get in the way of your education. That would be very sad.

And if you’re opposed to Endless War, you keep good company: Voltaire, Thoreau, Twain, Vonnegut, Heller, Trumbo, Orwell — etc. etc. Lordy, even Helen Keller, who was dealt the shittiest hand, ever, and would have had every right to be a violent right-wing vengeful Bitter, was anti-war. She was actually a straight-up commie. Go figure.

Andrew Breitbart, Richard Cohen, and also most of the “liberal” pundits — nobody will remember these people. Actually, that’s not entirely accurate. In 100 years, some graduate student in a PhD program at the University of the Moon will cite some of that punditry, for his/her dissertation, “How America Became Fascist, On Twitter.”

Anyway, getting back to that revolution, in your head. The revolution has already happened for me. It was nonviolent, and didn’t involve the CIA. My new country is called the Democratic Republic of Rileyland. We’ve got a lot of problems, here in Rileyland. It’s not a very wealthy place, for starters. We have a very large deficit: We owe Sallie Mae a shit-ton of money. But the Democratic Republic of Rileyland does not tolerate endless war. We don’t travel around the world, curb-stomping brown people. Our citizens know better than that. The Democratic Republic of Rileyland has many, many problems — but it is, thankfully, a nation of Peace. And Hope. And Change. (You need Peace if you want those two other things, “Hope” and “Change,” by the way.)

There’s an election coming up in Rileyland. The pundits say I’ll be reelected, and not because I shot some guy in the face.

Much Love, and Peace,

– riley

Goodbye!

Related

About the author

Riley is an "internet blogger." He has written for such internet websites as True/Slant and the terrible Brangelina gossip emporium "The Huffington Post." Riley lives in northeast DC, near H Street. Maybe you do too and want to hang out?

View all articles by Riley Waggaman

Hola wonkerados.

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265 comments

      1. Gopherit

        Newell has turned into such a pageview whore. Don't let it happen to you, Riley.

    1. Doktor Zoom

      Liz Phair?

      whisper whisper whisper "FUCK and run" whisper

      Oh! That's different! Never mind!

      / Litella

    2. Negropolis

      My uncle who let one rip in the living room, and then ran outside to avoid family prosecution?

  1. Limeylizzie

    Are you going to be shackng up wth Breitbart in his swinging bachelor pad?

  2. mileslarboy

    I am so so SO sorry to hear it but good luck you'll need it (but you know that).

  3. spudgun

    Not a huge fan of LOLcats grammar, but frankly, no other phrase fits how I feel right now:

    I haz a sad.

    Fairfarren, Riley.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      Really, I'm told the 60's were a funner time to be young. I know from first-hand experience that the 70's were, and definitely the 80's.

      1. Cheetah Repeater

        Agreed. I'm too young to be a boomer and too old to be gen x, but I feel I was on the tail end of the good tymes in the US. In the 70s/80s acid was still plentiful, and designer drugs were just starting out. In just doesn't seem like 90s+ kids had the chance to screw up and recover and it's only gotten worse since.

        1. DustBowlBlues

          Ha. I'm a Baby Boomer. Remember us? The people who had all the sex, took all the drugs and spent all the money?

          Suck on it, kids.

          1. Negropolis

            I was born in America in the 80's, and all I got was this stickin' monetary and moral debt.

  4. emmelemm

    Wow, this went from the best Wonkette day ever to the worst Wonkette day ever really super duper fast. I'm old (er than 23, by a lot) and I can't take this kind of emotional rollercoaster. My heart! My blood pressure!

    Anyway, godspeed young Riley, and keep the faith. Don't sell out to the corporate interests in Rileyland and forget all about this summer of peace, love and understanding. Remember: No more war.

  5. memzilla

    Mazel tov, Riley! Avoid the Boehners.

    (Of course, if this were 45 years ago, I would have smacked you upside the head for giving up your II-S draft status).

        1. horsedreamer_1

          Diarrhea, diarrhea!

          (Which is also the result of eating Papa John's pizza. Not that it wasn't my go-to pie for a good six years, '03-'09.)

      1. Negropolis

        Please do. I feel he may be the next Senator from Naboo. Then, he'll be able to get us into all of the cool parties!

  6. owhatever

    We are starting a Tea Party in your Democratic Republic, to return it to what the Founding Father (you) intended. Advice from a member of the older generation: Take drugs.

    1. DustBowlBlues

      It's always worked for me. And still does, except now they have a prescription label on them.

  7. cheaphits

    You are absolutely right – The Revolution begins in your mind &

    Fuck war.

    May your future happiness be exceeded only by your peace of mind.

  8. Gopherit

    "I’m twenty-three. Can anyone even begin to count how many countries we’ve flattened, for Freedom, since 1987? I’m twenty-three, and for my entire life, all I’ve known is war."

    Oh, shit. Riley is joining the military. Don't ask and don't tell, man.

    Except Breitbart. Where did he touch you. IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT'S HOLY, TELL US!

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      But seriously, when was the last time you heard a good razzing for founding mother Anna Marie Cox?

  9. Sophist [غني عن ذلك]

    They grow up so fast. One minute you're changing their diapers, and then suddenly they're ready to leave the nest. You do us proud out there in the world, Waggs.

    Carry on my wayward son. Carry on.

    1. DemmeFatale

      I know. *sniff*
      One minute they're saying "guano faucet," the next, "buh-bye."

      Godspeed, young Riley, (and don't let the Breitbart bite).

    2. flamingpdog

      And may you have many happy, productive years before they're changing your diapers again.

  10. El Pinche

    23 yrs old? Even though I have navel lint older than you, you're now too old to be Breitbart meat. 912'ers like their boys with soft peach fuzz on their supple testicles. You're beyond that, blogwarrior. Godspeed.

  11. MissTaken

    Good luck and Godspeed Riley!

    Now we all fully understand why Breitbart was so pissed drunk, he won't have Riley to maul anymore on teh Wonkett.

  12. OkieDokieDog

    I agree, Mr. Riley. FUCK WAR.

    Good luck in your next and all future adventures in Rileyland.

  13. ProgressiveInga

    I was searching your post for any ambivalence whatsoever so I could try to change your mind. None found. 'Bye Riley. You'll be missed.

  14. edgydrifter

    Good luck and farewell, young Riley. Be warned, though. If we find out six months from now that you're catting around with Brietbart, it's going to be war-ON.

  15. WilliamHTaft

    Bye Riley. Make sure you send Andy Breitbart yo digits so he can breathe heavy into your voicemail when he's drunk (every day!).

  16. neiltheblaze

    Riley! How could you?!

    Or perhaps, from your perspective, how couldn't you?

    Good luck to you. You will be missed terribly.

  17. Fuck Toad

    Twenty-fuckin'-three? There are people writing for Wonkette who are younger than me?

    Clearly my life is a failure.

    BYE WAGGZ. Once I get my franchise from S.O.R.O.S. I will for sure hire you for my communist propaganda/gay porn magazine.

  18. Extemporanus

    You came to our Wonkette a Waggamuffin, but you leave our Wonkette a Waggaman.

    Godspeed, brave Riley, and best of luck pulling a high draft number!

  19. V572..whatever

    A Diós, Riley. You provided much enjoyment here. Good luck in the Peoples' Republic of Rileystan!

    Oh and by the way: I'm going on 62 and have always known war too, even got to go to one for a while. We're the humans: war is what we do. Everything else is just teevee, or a shadow on the cave wall, or a performance of "Der Rosenkavalier" by the Vienna Opera.

  20. elviouslyqueer

    Wow. Wonkette is a sadder place today. Farewell, and good luck with wherever life takes you, Riley, and if you're ever in the South, know that you'll have at least one genuinely warm welcome (and I'm not nearly as hands-y as Breitbart).

  21. SmutBoffin

    HEY ENJOY WHATEVER YOU GO DO NOW EVEN IF ITS NOT WRITING TEABAGGER AND TRUCKNUTZ AND INBRED NATION OF CARELESS FIREARM OWNERS ALL DAY LONG

  22. Gorillionaire

    When I was 23 the most terrible things were that my stupid girlfriend went off to some fancy law school and The Smiths broke up. By the time Riley is my age he will be FDR.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      When I was 23 the most terrible thing was my crazy girlfriend was just starting to cut herself. (This was in '84; she was a bit of a pioneer, you might say.)

    2. flamingpdog

      When I was 23 the most terrible thing was I actually MARRIED my crazy girlfriend (not to avoid the war, although it was close). Whatever you do in life, don't marry teh crazy, Riley. Just fight it.

  23. Cheetah Repeater

    Wise words, Riley. Good luck in your future endeavors and take it from someone who's been where you are (except for the "Uncle" Andy's-secret-room-no-girls-allowed place): things having a way of working out. And things are also usually worse than they seem.

  24. occams8ball

    I will always remember you as Young Riley. I have admired the depth and breadth of your understanding and insights, your egalitarian charm and innocent courage, your sense of humor, and idealism. I do think that you have been gazing into the abyss for too long now, there are other ways to pass our short time on this earth. The scooter nuts should have made that clear to all of us.

  25. Geminisunmars

    You warm my heart: You say "Fuck War" even though you aren't draftable. I'm proud of you, young'un. Stay angry and safe.

    1. Gopherit

      Why isn't he draftable? Does our Riley have a secret we haven't heard? Extra limbs? Missing ones?

      1. Geminisunmars

        I just meant that there isn't a current mandatory conscription. I suppose he'd be entirely too draftable if they ever reinsituted it, except for him being an extraterrestrial and all that.

        1. Gopherit

          Yeah. I was still selective service eligible til a couple of years ago. I guess when they want warm bodies, they'll let us know. We'll freedomtrain your ass to Canada, Riley.

  26. Fukui_sanYesOta

    Oh no! Who will do the morning Newz Roundup now?

    Good luck, r-waggs. Hope you have fun wherever you end up.

  27. biocurious

    All I could think reading this was "the Vonnegut is strong with this one." I got my revolution revelation when I was 12, when 9/11 happened, and all I could do was cry, for everyone murdered by another human, no matter where on the planet they were or why it happened. And especially for when some mob-brained group of shitdicks told a bunch of trusting saps, usually kids, to go kill a bunch of other people.

    For Christ's sake (and the sake of anybody else who told us to forgive, to give, to share, to love) – Fuck War.

    1. biocurious

      Oh, and speaking of Vonnegut, "Perhaps, when we remember wars, we should take off our clothes and paint ourselves blue and go on all fours all day long and grunt like pigs. That would surely be more appropriate than noble oratory and shows of flags and well-oiled guns."

    2. DustBowlBlues

      I got on board with that during the Viet Nam war, then the Age of Aquarius turned to a pile of corporate shit.

  28. facehead

    Riley,

    Ever since Wonkette climaxed by finding the guy on the scooter with scootnutz, I too have felt a loss of meaning in my life. This must have been exactly how Obama felt after personally thumb-wrestling Bin Laden to death–what could possibly top this? How can we go on?
    There are no easy answers here Riley, so you should probably just ask Ken for advice and then do the complete opposite. Or dye your hair ginger and hump gawker.

    — Facehead.

  29. rambone

    Fuck War.

    If "War" is the name of a hot Thai hooker who accepts the Discover Card, let me assure you that I will do my level best.

  30. weejee

    The Irish Prayer
    don't run out of rye

    May the road rise to meet you,
    May the wind be always at your back,
    May the sun shine warm upon your face,
    May the rains fall soft upon your fields,
    And, until we meet again,
    May God hold you in the hollow of His hand.

    Waggaman Corollary
    fuck war

    Best wishes for great adventures.

  31. WhatTheHeck

    Freedom!
    Free at last. Free at last. Thank god Riley is free at last to do whatever. Enjoy your freedom.
    As for the war part. Get used to it. This is Amerika. Land of freedumbs.

  32. Zvi_Bleindmeis

    I, too, have a daughter who's (nearly) 23. Several years before you were conceived, I was picking my ex up from her job at the Marcus Garvey Lounge at Wesleyan. Gil Scott Heron was telling us then that the revolution would not be televised.

    But he's a crackhead now, they say. And the revolution will probably be liveblogged.

    I'm going to miss you, little brother. You have a way with a phrase, and can be ferocious without being mean. Fuck war.

  33. Beetagger

    Riley, you're the son I never had. Not those other two losers. They're too busy playin' frisbee and bangin' coeds. REVOLUTION!!

  34. SmutBoffin

    Who is that in the gif hoovering up all of the booger sugar? Wonkbot's older, drug-addled brother?

  35. BeWoot

    Well I'm totally bummed. And just for the record, I never once suspected you of canoodling with Brietbart. Or Sara Benincasa, though you've probably touched yourself thinking about it. Sad to see you go.

    p.s. All right is two words. Always.

  36. RavenRant

    People, can't you see that this is a cleverly coded message from Breitbart's secret dungeon? If we can only figure out the code, we can rescue Young Riley.

    Best of luck, Mr. W.

  37. Nothingisamiss

    Goog luck, young Riley! I will miss you.

    As someone else wrote: stay angry, and stay safe.

  38. Mumbletypeg

    You are truly an original, Riley. Oh, wait…
    Want you to know how much I and Mumblety-companion/a.k.a. "Doppelgänger Surprise" enjoyed meeting you at last year's wonkster-mash. Wonkette won't be the same without you.

  39. undeterredbyreality

    Riley–

    We've had our differences (primarily that you still hold that idealism that was crushed in me so long ago), but I've always admired your turn of mind and your turn of phrase. I am sorry to see you leave the Wonk, but I'm sure you have even better days ahead of you, and I look forward to seeing whatever your future brings. Just don't let the bastards get you down.

  40. fuflans

    why does the wonkette staff leave and the trolls stay?

    best of luck in rileyworld and i would like to visit.

  41. arcane_allusion

    Good bye Riley, you'll be missed.

    However, I can't help thinking that you held on so long because you couldn't find the perfect animated gif to illustrate your farewell post.

    I'm just glad you didn't find it until we found Osama which allowed you to post your masterpiece.

  42. PrimlyStable

    Reading between the lines, I think young Riley has joined the army and ships out to Kandahar at 07:00. Right?

  43. TsunamiAli

    NOOOOOO! Riley, I am so sad – you did some hilarious stuff and the picture of you being groped by Breitard will remain etched in my brain even after the Alzheimer's sets in. Thanks for entertaining us for two years.

  44. mourningnmerica

    Thanks for everything, Riley. (Arm raised with clenched fist) FUCK WAR.

  45. hagajim

    Godspeed Riley…I was 23 (plus) before you were even born and all I've ever known is war….if it wasn't the Cold War, it was the Vietnam War, then it was the War on Drugs, then the first Iraq War, then the War on Terror….how the fuck did we lose our way so badly as a country? When did freedom become freedumb? I hope Rileyland can avoid all this bullshit….and I didn't even include Grenada….

  46. sportshort

    Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck war. Now be a good boy and get me a beer. I mean while you're up. And young. No, I'm not bitter. Much. Still need that beer, tho.

  47. nappyduggs

    Uggggggers– mo' changes at the Wonkette HQ. We all know that you people have plenty of things to do and so many more bridges to cross (burn?) but take it easy on your minions with all these farewells, all of the time.
    You will be missed Riley. My tribute to you will be to go to a Brietbart site while I touch a Buzz Lightyear doll inappropriately, and then to fashion a very symbolic funeral pyre for your avatar out of very real marijuana.
    Fare thee well, young one.

  48. waitforsugar

    Oh shit. You were number 2 on the list of wonketteers I'd let motorboat me (this is good news for Jack however).

    I'll miss your lovely combination of perviness and idealism. I would totally visit Waggamanistan as well.

    Godspeed Riley smiley.

    Fuck War indeed.

  49. natoslug

    As someone conceived during (or shortly after — my parents, thankfully, are a bit vague on this topic) a peace rally in the sixties, I fully support the Fuck War Movement. And goodbye, Riley. I'll drink to you tonight. Usually it's just to the dog or the couch or the sheep or the kids not getting kicked out of school, but tonight I drink to you.

  50. karen

    Good luck with everything! I too owe Sallie Mae a gajillion dollars, that $260/mo payment is a bitch (and that's only paying the interest for 5 years on one), so I feel your pain.

    Peace out.

  51. Fare la Volpe

    Aww, crap. Time for a new rentboy.

    Bye, Riley! We should form a club — The club of "I'm too old for this shit and I'm not even 24 yet." I hear that Justin Beaver kid is looking for a group.

  52. gullywompr

    I knew him, Horatio; a fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy.

    Also, thanks for the great parting gif.

  53. Goonemeritus

    Being so new here I had no idea Riley was but an intern, I can only say the Snark is strong in this one. Go forth good sir in the certain knowledge that you will be missed.

    1. the_problem_child

      Riley has been full editor for a year or so. You might have missed intern Benjamin, though.

  54. BaldarTFlagass

    Keep tongue-punching that fartbox!!!

    It's refreshing to see someone this cynical at such a youthful age; I was 41 (November 2000) before I finally decided that the world was totally fucked and was likely to only get fuckeder (the brief but short-lived flash of optimism of late 2008-2009 aside). Good luck out there, young man.

  55. Jukesgrrl

    Now I can say I knew Riley Waggaman before he referred to himself with the royal "we."

    All and still, I would be proud to have you for a son, Riley, and I wish you every success and happiness in your future endeavors — although "we" know the likelihood of that happening. But I suspect you'll always have your sense of humor since even breathing the same air as Boehner and Breitbart has not killed that off. A huge accomplishment in itself. Keep up the good fight and know I'll be googling like mad to keep track of you. You'll always be my Waggafriend.

    Peace & love from Jukesgrrl

    PS: Be glad Wonketworld has not yet figured out how to collect Ameros in cyberspace, or we'd be presenting you with silver trucknutz as your going-away gift.

    1. HuddledMass

      I'm sure that's the editorial, not the royal "we" …. oh Riley!
      *sobs*
      The good ones always leave.

  56. FakaktaSouth

    "23 and so tired of life,
    such a shame to throw it all away.
    The images grow darker still"
    Oh jesus, you just made me quote DMB. Dang.
    Good luck Riley. You're adorable.

  57. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Why is it the good die young? Why is it that I will always think of Riley as the person Brietbart most wants to be with? Why is it that whenever someone I like leaves Wonkette, they do it on a day where I don't even have time to read the thread.

    Riley, you have been appreciated. May you go in peace…., at least until they track you down and put you in Gitmo.

  58. ghblowhard

    I will pray for you and for peace. Dorothy Day <a href="http://(http://www.catholicworker.org/dorothyday/photos.cfm)” target=”_blank”>(http://www.catholicworker.org/dorothyday/photos.cfm) and the Catonsville Nine <a href="http://(http://c9.mdch.org/)” target=”_blank”>(http://c9.mdch.org/) were against war too. Those were the days when Catholicism was actually the edgy religion who looked out for the working people, poor people, and fought for peace and actually stood for something besides creepy gropers and fetuses and refuge for ex nazis.

    If you want peace work for justice-Pope Paul VI, 1972

  59. ChuckieJesus

    I'm old enough to be your teenage mother, yet you warm the cockles of my heart with your fiery idealism. Ain't none of us a good son/daughter, brother/sister, or friend. Fight the good fight anyway. Peace out, padawan.

  60. TanzbodenKoenig

    Obama Got Riley! Yes We Did!

    More seriously: much love and good luck Waggs

  61. John_Gorenfeld

    Oh no, this is like when everyone left at the end of Bloom County. Silent kid, don't lose your graceful tongue!

  62. finallyhappy

    My daughter is 23 too but as I remember her birth really well- Riley could not be my son.

  63. UW8316154

    I'll miss you, Wryleigh.
    No, that's not quite right.

    I'll miss you, Ryli.
    No, that's not quite right, either.

    Dear God, man, how can you be leaving us??
    That's better…

  64. GinnehRED57

    Farewell, my dear young Wagga Wagga Top Hat ka-boing ka-boing Woops Mr Breitbart, not in that way Tea Party Rascal Magnet Man!

    You will be missed, but this is how I will remember you. Go out there and Fuck War til it ain't no more!

  65. marinmaven

    Riley, Good luck in all your travels. If I have one piece of advice for you, it would be:

    Get a ukulele.

    It is the "people's instrument" and you can never really be sad when you play it. You can take it everywhere and people will smile. You can also play protest songs. I know someone who travelled the Middle East including Iraq with a uke and it was a serious ice breaker.

    There is really no downside – so get one and enjoy life. Be well.

    1. Jukesgrrl

      Wow, you gave me a new perspective on the ukulele. I've always just thought of it as the thing that old asshole Arthur Godfrey played.

      1. marinmaven

        Just check out the Bastard Fairies doing "Brand New Key" with a ukulele choir or Dresden Dolls singer covering Radiohead songs with a uke, or Jake Shimabukuro playing Bohemian Rapsody. They can be found on Youtube, Vimeo, and TED. They will change your thinking about the uke. You are certainly not limited to Hawaiian songs. I have been digging playing the old songs as well as modern stuff — especially "Cocaine Bill and Morphine Sue"

        I figure when we are all hoboes playing the ukulele will be a useful skill.

    2. Negropolis

      I think you just put the uke is a whole new light. In fact, I think you could make a commercial and then thing would be a hit overnight. I needs me a uke so bad, right now.

    3. marinmaven

      I just wish that when I was 23 that someone had pulled me aside and told me that men come and go, jobs eventually change, and family members disappoint, but a uke is your friend that you can take anywhere and don't have to worry about them throwing up and embarrassing you. Life gave me ample opportunity for regrets, but the only one was not taking the uke when I was 23 or younger.

      You can't hold a gun if you are playing a uke. Uke for world peace.

  66. __kth__

    The military will be the 21st Century New Deal, the only anti-poverty/social insurance policy the country has left, probably before the 100th anniversary of New Deal 1.0. Fuck War! is probably the mother of all lost causes. But like the man says, those are the only kind worth fighting for.

    Happy trails, homie, and be sure to drop us a line when you get situated somewhere.

  67. DustBowlBlues

    Best wishes and good luck to you, Young Riley.

    And if you're low on funds, remember old DustBowlBlues advice on the next big thing in Teabagger wear, esp. here in the Heartland: Tim McVeigh commemorative tees and other shit. Be the one on the ground floor selling that crap and make your fortune.

    PS Maybe don't advertise it on the wonket, though.

  68. Jerri

    Aw, man. I cant read my Wonkette all day at work, and I come home to this sadness? Boo!

    Good luck to you Riley, and thanks for making me laugh at the news instead of crying so many times.

  69. TxSpinyLizrd

    Mr. Waggaman done r-u-n-n-o-f-t. Must be lookin' for answers. Good luck Riley, and remember, not all Texans are evil.

  70. Thurman Munster IV

    Riley you magnificent bastard. At 23 you are way too goddamn clever for your own good. We'll miss ya kiddo

  71. Mort_Sinclair

    Ah, best of luck to you!! I'm sure we'll run into you somewhere on the intertubes, Riley. Job well done!

  72. Terry

    Take care, Riley, and thank you for a great two years. I hope you are headed off to the future of your dreams.

  73. Monsieur_Grumpe

    Riley, If I may offer some advice, if you're going to fuck TeeVee, unplug it first. Don't ask how I know this. I will miss my mornings with Waggaman and coffee.
    MG

    1. DustBowlBlues

      Grumpe is such an ill-chosen screen name for someone who routinely makes me laugh out loud. As in this case.

  74. Wadisay

    Well, goodbye and good luck Riley. Thanks for teh lulz. Oh, and a bit of career enhancement advice: On your resume, show the years 2009-11 as "pleasured bums in a bus station in New Jersey".

    P.S. You're not carrying Sara K. Smith's love child, are you?

  75. KenLayIsAlive

    Aw man. Can we at least pretend to fire you for that retard stuff and get our Papa John's ads back?

    Seriously, Good luck with everything. Everytime time I hear about dead baby dolphins I'll think of you. *sniff*

  76. undeadgoat

    Hey there, just would like to say that as someone who is roughly in your age cohort (by which I mean "two-ish years younger"), fuck war to you too, and the Democratic Republic of Rileyland sounds a lot like the Direct Democracy of Me and My Boyfriend Having Sex, Doing Drugs And Ignoring the Media. Our currently operating theory in our little nation, by the way, is that we just need to find all the people like us, I hope you can be helpful with that. I look forward to seeing Wonkette post links to your future internet exploits!

  77. DonnyKerabotsos

    ditto, ditto, ditto….

    Fuck war, of course. I'd say you're pretty smart for 23.

    And if you wind up working at BigSnark.com, I'll never forgive you.

  78. Rev_Lemonjello

    This is terrible. And to make matters worse, The Ed Show was playing in the background as I read this. As if Andrew Breitbart himself accosted me and smeared santorum across my face for good measure.

  79. SaintRond

    If you consider war as just the way nations fuck each other, then you won't feel so bad.

    1. Jukesgrrl

      Why does this post have 0 upfists?? (I put it back to 1.) The troll desecrates even Intern Riley's eloquent farewell? Evil. Pure Evil. I feel like ranting the way Ed Schultz does.

  80. user-of-owls

    Riley, you a good and decent soul. And as an old goat, let me say that I have unexpectedly regained faith in your generation.I mean that most sincerely. In my classes over the last couple years, and especially this semester, I have been awestruck at how your cohort has evolved in ways that give me great hope for your/our future. Old venomous attitudes, particularly toward the LGBT community, are largely bleached from you guys. And I'm not talking about hippies, I am in Arkansas, where even among the industrial-sized Christians, there is a genuine acceptance that said community are not monsters deserving of vicious disdain, but just folks who may be a bit misguided, biblically speaking.

    So, for all the vitriol we olds have spewed at you, let me say I am sorry. I am at a loss to explain how my generation, witness to the trauma of the 60s for me as a child but lived by many of us here in much more dreadful circumstances, could manufacture this toxic soup we live in today. WE are responsible and we owe a terrible debt for our behavior. So all I can really do is express my gratitude to you for representing in honest and often painful ways your thoughts, fears and hopes for our fragile and brutal species. Please know that I will always consider you a beacon of hope and a marker for your generation that i have great faith in. Apologies for the length, but you have always struck a chord and at the expense of bloviating, I wanted to thank you and wish you the very best. Take care, amigo. Que te vayas bien.

  81. Beanball

    Just when I had gotten used to your complaining you stomp out the door.

    Damn whippersnapper.

    Ah, hell, give me a hug and then ta-ta, young grasshopper.

  82. vulpes82

    *sniff* Our little Riley's all grown up! Where did the time go? *"The Cat in the Cradle" begins to play*

    Anyway, Riley, godspeed and good luck! The future of the Democratic Republic of Rileyland is bright! Here's to tongue-punching fartboxes and fingerbangs for all!

  83. Dudleydidwrong

    Thanks, Riley, for all the blood, toil, tears, sweat, fun, sage observations, and for your words of advice. You're not leaving (no need for RIP) and I hope that you will, from time to time, join the madding crowd of Wonketteers as we try to maintain a segment of sanity in this crazy descent into madness. Best wishes always.

  84. chascates

    The great thing about Wonkette is that Ken finds intelligent, snarky writers, nurtures them a bit (no doubt with profanity), and gives us a chance to interact with them. We all have our favorites but they're all really, really good! Some like Sara K. Smith and Jim Newell go on to other online sites, some others just fade away into an alcoholic-induced oblivion. We appreciate them all any way.

    Good luck, Riley. May the road, and Andrew Breitbart, be kind to you.

  85. berkeleyfarm

    Goodbye, good luck, and Godspeed, young Riley. Keep fightin' for freedom (as Blessed Molly of Austin would say) and don't forget to have fun doing it.

  86. ShaveTheWhales

    Was it something we said?

    In any case, gute Fahrt, and thanks for reminding me: Fuck War.

  87. keepem_sikanpor

    Oh, Riley. I want you to be happy and live a life without war. I want it for all of us, more than I can ever say. This made me cry for many reasons. Being angry and horrified and drunk all the time is how I've managed; perhaps not the way to go for such a young man as yourself. I hope wherever you end up will bring you much peace as it can can still be found, although it shouldn't be so hard.
    I'm off now to do a shot (more like three) and slam a can of hobo beans.
    Happy trails, oh very young…

  88. Doktor Zoom

    Farewell, Riley. May the road rise to fingerbang your feet, and may your fartbox never lack for tongue-punching.

    Also: So long and thanks for all the fists.

    1. emmelemm

      That's just about the best send-off ever. It rivals "What is best in life? To see your enemies driven before you and hear the lamentations of their women."

      I think I'm going to start saying to people, "May your fartbox never lack for tongue-punching." I'll let you know how it goes.

  89. donner_froh

    Damn–I was just coming to the end of my long years of intensive therapy to deal with the dread and emptiness of life without Sara K. Smith and now intern Riley heads into the sunset.

    Knock 'em dead in whatever you do next Riley.

  90. undeterredbyreality

    "I’m a crappy friend, a terrible son and a lousy brother."

    Just re-read your post. Riley–I'm sure you're a better son/friend/brother than you think. I worry about you, though. You are much too hard on yourself. Unhappy as it may be, you won't be able to solve all the world's problems. Take care of yourself first, so that you can take care of the rest. Your momma/friends/brother(s) and sister(s) love you–and I'd bet dimes to dollars they worry about you, too.

  91. imissopus

    I’m twenty-three, and for my entire life, all I’ve known is war.

    At the risk of raining on this Riley love parade, I need to point out the inaccuracy of this sentence. Riley, that statement applies to twenty-three-year-old kids who have lived all their lives in Afghanistan, or Gaza, or some backwards banana republic in Africa ruled by some corrupt strongman. Yes, we have been at war during your formative years, and it's great that you have developed strong opinions against it. If the majority of your generation feels the same, I have hope for the future.

    But you grew up in America, in presumably comfortable surroundings. You went to college. There was no draft so you did not have to join the military. Your experience of war, like mine, has been watching grainy videos on CNN…or YouTube, for your generation. Generally speaking, you have known an existence that's pretty damn good for a twenty-three-year-old, these last couple of years of economic ruin and Teatardism notwithstanding.

    So this is my parting advice: always try to keep things in perspective. You'll sleep better.

    TruckNutz!!1!

    1. Negropolis

      I haven't much agreed with him lately, myself, but I don't think you're getting what he's saying. While folks in my generation (I'm two years off Riley) – and just really generation – generally think they have it worse, I think there is something to it. The further something goes in time in this physical world, by its very nature, it is either moving towards a negative end or towards something brighter. I've still not decided for myself in which direction we're moving – I think it may be too presumptuous to say we can predict where we're going, definitely – but I think someone can make a case that we're going either way, and I think Riley's made that case.

      I think what Riley has been saying more than anything else is that the world we are living in is increasingly more like The Matrix than anyone would like to let on. There is a general malaise, and a general idea that what we have may already be lost, or too lost to fully salvage.

      Let's be real, modern comforts and technology don't make up for social sicknesses and cracks in civilization. It's why I could never get on the bandwagon of conventional widsom that a ridiculously wealthy person can't feel true and utter spiritual dispair because he is not a third-world pauper, that someone fighting to eat in the developing world can't be happier than an oligarch in Moscow who has come to the realization that he or she is royally and morally bankrupt despite all of their creature comforts.

      History shows us time and time again that one doesn't have to live on the front-lines of any event to be positively or negatively impacted by it. No, Riley does not have accept the craziness of this world because he has the Youtube, and the Facebook…

      Hopefully, you can be classy enought to just this once give him his time on his way out. It's the least these folks that run this site deserve having to put up with folks like us.

  92. DaRooster

    "Turn that shit off. It’s just a bunch of Sex, Violence and Fear…"

    I can do that 'cuz the internet has plenty of that shit…
    Good Luck!

  93. keepem_sikanpor

    Haha, I just read it to the end and thought…I want to go to there…(Liz Lemon).
    Rock on, Riley!

  94. DCHatesMe

    I don't trust anyone who wishes me love and peace. I trust that everyone is a disappointing hypocrite, that's what I trust. So when Riley Waggerman wishes us love and peace, he's trying to stab us in the back. He wants to hate fuck war because he loves hate fucking. He requires war and death like kittens need sunshine. He feeds on the blood of live kittens and then hate fucks them to death, Riley Waggerman does.

  95. 102415

    You are a good person Riley. I will miss you and your funny hats. You were a lot of fun to read. Write if you get work.

  96. Negropolis

    Riley, my Democratic City-State of Negropolis will try to work out, at the very least, a non-aggression pact with the fine people of Rileyland, but I can't promise anything. My city-state is a bit more volatile, and a bit less predictable, a bit less absolute, a bit more morally weak.

    Good luck, Waggs; peace be with you as much as peace can be with anyone. You make your fellow youngins proud.

  97. LiveToServeYa

    Take deep breaths. Remember, in the words of Jeebus-often-ignored, the rain falls on both the righteous and the un-. Good luck.

  98. simplyblue7

    Got an immigration problem in Rileyland? Well do you know! Hahahaha…sounds like a great country, hope your wine is as good as the writing =P

  99. CapeClod

    My advice for life, Riley, is skip the arena shows and always choose the smaller, theater-like venues.

    1. sarjo

      Further, one generally won't go wrong dining at the smaller, family-owned strip mall restaurants instead of the national chains.

  100. Rosie_Scenario

    Bye, Riley. One less laugh per morning, but I can take it. Best wishes in all you do.

  101. MathIsHard

    NO!!! Why do they always leave?

    Goodbye and lots of good luck Riley. You will be missed.

  102. SenileAgitation

    Riley,
    Thanks for the good laffs and your good heart. Best of luck in Rileyland and wherever you roam. You will be missed.

  103. SnarkoMarx

    Ah, Riley. I'm going to miss you.

    I'll be surprised if you don't go on to do great things, kiddo. You have tremendous potential. The world needs a lot more people like you.

  104. WABishop

    It's morning in Rileyland! Rileyland's long national nightmare is over!

    You're a good and decent human being, Riley, and I feel privileged to have met you, and moreso to have been able to read your endlessly clever/hilarious/poignant take on the world. Good luck in all your endeavours.

  105. Kidneys4Sale

    Somebody needs to TP this turncoat's house and write dirty words on his windows with duck semen. WAGGAMAN! Get on it.

  106. proudgrampa

    Riley –

    I hope it wasn't something I said…

    I love you, m'boy. Hope you find your dream. 23 means you have a LONG time to look for it.

    And, FUCK WAR. Also.

    Love,

    Your Proudgrampa

  107. sezme

    Goodbye, li'l Riley! You were good in your writing when you started here, and lately you've become superlative. Keep that up, wherever you go. Keep fucking war, too. It needs it.

  108. thefrontpage

    Riley:

    Please address the following rumors:

    1. You're going to work as Richard Simmons' personal assistant.

    2. You're going to be Charlie Sheen's personal assistant.

    3. You're going to be the estate executor for Lindsey Lohan after she goes to prison.

    4. You're going to work for the new lobbying firm set up by Larry Craig, Mark Foley and Don Sherwood, called Craig Foley Sherwood Associates.

    5. You're going to start your own political blog, Rileykette.

    6. You're moving in with Jessica Cutler.

    7. You're going to work for Dean Heller as his Ethics Adviser.

    8. You're moving in with Sara.

    9. You're going to work for Glenn Beck.

    10. You've landed a job with Trump Casinos as a pit boss.

  109. HELisforHEL

    Oh a day late, as always!
    Oh Reilly, you will be missed greatly. I sincerely wish you all the best. I hope you have a fabulous, war-free life from here on out. I hope we all do…siigh.

    Take care of yourself!

  110. thefrontpage

    Riley:

    Count yer blessings: At least you didn't grow up with Nixon, Vietnam, Watergate, an actual draft–a draft!!–, and Reagan as president.

    Think about that for a while!

    Good luck, and sierra del fuego.

  111. sarjo

    Sorry, Riley. You are 23; therefore your opinions about life, the universe, etc. are by definition TL;DR. Especially when they're TL;DR.

    But good luck and we'll miss you, you "we"-speaking bastard!

  112. Nopantsmcgee

    I'll miss your writing, Riley. Best of luck in everything you do, you'll defiantly be missed.

  113. imissopus

    And imprecise language is the hallmark of intellectual laziness, which is what bothered me about this post. It's not a poo-pooing of empathy and I certainly got Riley's point. MY point, or at least my opinion, is that one does not have to resort to overblown hand-wringing to make a point, and Lord knows this place does its share of hand-wringing. Riley's a big boy, I'm betting he can take it. It's the other people around here who feel a need to lecture you about classiness who need to get off their high horses.

    1. Negropolis

      Whatever. You've made it an all-too-common practice to preach to us on here, and you just jumped the shark further lecturing someone who's put a a few years of his life here upon his exit. Some things are better left unsaid, hopefully, you'll find a filter. Honestly, you didn't think you'd get away with being critical and then not expect a critique for that "door-hit-your-ass-on-the-way-out" critique, yourself, did you? How boorish of you.

  114. LouBristol

    Been great having you, Riley. Good luck with your hoover-nose/war-fucking dream, it sounds awesome! send us a postcard sometime.

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