Haha, what “happened” this week in Barack Obama’s life? Nothing of great import, surely! Except for OWNING comedy and OWNING assassination, that is! That weird scraping sound you hear is the sound of Barry’s GIANT BALLS being dragged around the country, while we collectively open wide our American Mouthhole to lovingly teabag him in the right, obedient way Jesus God intended. It was also a great week for Official White House Videographer Arun Chaudhary’s jingoistic “Red Shoe Diaries”-esque softcore serial, “West Wing Week,” which has racked up like thrice as many views in the past 24 hours as it usually does. Your kolumnista knows this, because she is an Arun Superfan. Now on to the murderous fun!
On Friday, Wham-Bam went with his Thank You, Ma’am to Tuscaloosa, Alabama to look at some of the nastier stuff that Jesus God and His Agent On Earth (The Weather Channel) hath wrought over the past week. O hai, serious note: a big heartfelt unironic shout-out to the McGee family, who appear briefly at around :51. It’s got to be more than a little overwhelming to lose your entire fucking house and then meet the President of the United States with a passel of camera crews and security officials within about 48 hours. Here’s hoping they get back on their feet with the help of community members like the kickass folks working the crisis center at Holt Elementary School, where instantly-lovable principal Debbie Crawford (:58) tells Obama that she and the rest of the crew have been on duty for about 44 out of the past 48 hours. In the hubbub and hoopla over the death of the dude who caused a disaster 10 years ago, it might be nice if you and your kolumnista stopped to help out mostly middle-class and poor folks being affected by a very new disaster right now. Right? Right.
Okay. On to the badassery. You will note that in all the rest of West Wing Week, you will see major SWAGGA in Obama’s step and bearing. It is awesome and will probs make you horny.
On Saturday, it was Gay Prom Night! Your Barack Obama, who is Straight But Not Narrow (TM), made funny-talk in front of a bunch of bastard people and also Seth Meyers, who is known in the KKKomedy KKKommunity as a really decent fellow. This probably means he is a secret serial killer, but anyway, he is funny and good at his job. Much like your preznit! The best photo of your preznit from the jokester event is this one of his face right after Meyers made an Osama joke. HAHAHA LITTLE DID SETH MEYERS KNOW! Or did he?!
On Sunday, it was MURDER O’CLOCK! And Arun has the footage! Start at 3:18 and enjoy yourselves, snuff film geeks. Your authoress got the news when her return flight from the Confederacy landed back in Real Real America, the Northeast. She’d been down there with this guy and his unit (HA! TRUE IN MORE WAYS THAN ONE!) as they prep to go on a yearlong vacation prompted by the world’s worst trustafarian, Osama bin Laden, who is now a dead person. Again, why have you not sent her sex toys courtesy of Ken Layne? Get a move on, assholes. Oh, if you want some inspiration, fap to this shot of your Barry MAYBE KISSING HILLARY ON THE CHEEK at 4:02!!!!!111!!!111!!!
On Monday, Obama awarded the Medal of Honor posthumously to two service members who died fighting in Korea. Watching Bammerz shake hands with the families is the sort of shit that suddenly makes your writer-lady cry, despite her avowed hatred for all things not made of real or imagined granola.
Later, there was a Congressional Bisexual Dinner. Note Bammz and Boehner laughing together at 4:57! USA! USA! USA!
On Tuesday, he welcomed all the Teachers of the Year, one from every state and territory! Have you ever hung out with teachers? These bitches can fucking drink. As a former high school teacher, your journalist can understand why. And a giant HELLZ YEAH to the National Teacher of the Year, Michelle “Harry” Shearer! Congratulations, Michelle, for realz.
On Wednesday, he went to the Wounded Warrior Project’s Soldier Ride on the South Lawn, so that your scrivenerista could cry more. Also on Wednesday, WTF, Kate Middleton’s father-in-law showed up? He’s checking out sustainable agriculture practices in the U.S. Did you know he is actually really awesome with environmental stuff? Like, really, really awesome? It’s true!
On Thursday, he came right to your scribette’s very own neighborhood. She moved here a few years ago because this apartment building suddenly had A LOT OF DIRECT SUNLIGHT because, hahahah, you get the rest of it. She is an awful person for making this true joke. Now the direct sunlight is going away because of Progress and Hope, so she is moving to Queens, where there is no hope and very little progress.
Have a fun weekend, grimebots! Your WoodwardandBernsteinista will spend it fapping to this: courtesy of your Daily Beast, here is the best fucking photo gallery ever. CUTE SEALS! Go listen to her weekly sex podcast, the end.