Barry Is Officially Your BEST PRESIDENT EVAR

  barry can you hear me?

In Jesus name we do pray, amenz.Haha, what “happened” this week in Barack Obama’s life? Nothing of great import, surely! Except for OWNING comedy and OWNING assassination, that is! That weird scraping sound you hear is the sound of Barry’s GIANT BALLS being dragged around the country, while we collectively open wide our American Mouthhole to lovingly teabag him in the right, obedient way Jesus God intended. It was also a great week for Official White House Videographer Arun Chaudhary’s jingoistic “Red Shoe Diaries”-esque softcore serial, “West Wing Week,” which has racked up like thrice as many views in the past 24 hours as it usually does. Your kolumnista knows this, because she is an Arun Superfan. Now on to the murderous fun!

On Friday, Wham-Bam went with his Thank You, Ma’am to Tuscaloosa, Alabama to look at some of the nastier stuff that Jesus God and His Agent On Earth (The Weather Channel) hath wrought over the past week. O hai, serious note: a big heartfelt unironic shout-out to the McGee family, who appear briefly at around :51. It’s got to be more than a little overwhelming to lose your entire fucking house and then meet the President of the United States with a passel of camera crews and security officials within about 48 hours. Here’s hoping they get back on their feet with the help of community members like the kickass folks working the crisis center at Holt Elementary School, where instantly-lovable principal Debbie Crawford (:58) tells Obama that she and the rest of the crew have been on duty for about 44 out of the past 48 hours. In the hubbub and hoopla over the death of the dude who caused a disaster 10 years ago, it might be nice if you and your kolumnista stopped to help out mostly middle-class and poor folks being affected by a very new disaster right now. Right? Right.

Okay. On to the badassery. You will note that in all the rest of West Wing Week, you will see major SWAGGA in Obama’s step and bearing. It is awesome and will probs make you horny.

On Saturday, it was Gay Prom Night! Your Barack Obama, who is Straight But Not Narrow (TM), made funny-talk in front of a bunch of bastard people and also Seth Meyers, who is known in the KKKomedy KKKommunity as a really decent fellow. This probably means he is a secret serial killer, but anyway, he is funny and good at his job. Much like your preznit! The best photo of your preznit from the jokester event is this one of his face right after Meyers made an Osama joke. HAHAHA LITTLE DID SETH MEYERS KNOW! Or did he?!

On Sunday, it was MURDER O’CLOCK! And Arun has the footage! Start at 3:18 and enjoy yourselves, snuff film geeks. Your authoress got the news when her return flight from the Confederacy landed back in Real Real America, the Northeast. She’d been down there with this guy and his unit (HA! TRUE IN MORE WAYS THAN ONE!) as they prep to go on a yearlong vacation prompted by the world’s worst trustafarian, Osama bin Laden, who is now a dead person. Again, why have you not sent her sex toys courtesy of Ken Layne? Get a move on, assholes. Oh, if you want some inspiration, fap to this shot of your Barry MAYBE KISSING HILLARY ON THE CHEEK at 4:02!!!!!111!!!111!!!

On Monday, Obama awarded the Medal of Honor posthumously to two service members who died fighting in Korea. Watching Bammerz shake hands with the families is the sort of shit that suddenly makes your writer-lady cry, despite her avowed hatred for all things not made of real or imagined granola.

Later, there was a Congressional Bisexual Dinner. Note Bammz and Boehner laughing together at 4:57! USA! USA! USA!

On Tuesday, he welcomed all the Teachers of the Year, one from every state and territory! Have you ever hung out with teachers? These bitches can fucking drink. As a former high school teacher, your journalist can understand why. And a giant HELLZ YEAH to the National Teacher of the Year, Michelle “Harry” Shearer! Congratulations, Michelle, for realz.

On Wednesday, he went to the Wounded Warrior Project’s Soldier Ride on the South Lawn, so that your scrivenerista could cry more. Also on Wednesday, WTF, Kate Middleton’s father-in-law showed up? He’s checking out sustainable agriculture practices in the U.S. Did you know he is actually really awesome with environmental stuff? Like, really, really awesome? It’s true!

On Thursday, he came right to your scribette’s very own neighborhood. She moved here a few years ago because this apartment building suddenly had A LOT OF DIRECT SUNLIGHT because, hahahah, you get the rest of it. She is an awful person for making this true joke. Now the direct sunlight is going away because of Progress and Hope, so she is moving to Queens, where there is no hope and very little progress.

Have a fun weekend, grimebots! Your WoodwardandBernsteinista will spend it fapping to this: courtesy of your Daily Beast, here is the best fucking photo gallery ever. CUTE SEALS! Go listen to her weekly sex podcast, the end.

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About the author

Sara Benincasa is an award-winning comedian, writer and radio talk show host. Her outspoken, sexually-charged comedy has won praise from the Chicago Tribune, CNN, The Guardian, and The New York Times, and has earned her an ECNY (Emerging Comedian of New York) Award and a Webby nomination. Her memoir, "Agorafabulous!: Dispatches From My Bedroom," (William Morrow/HarperCollins), was based on her critically acclaimed solo show about panic attacks and agoraphobia. She is currently working on a novel for young adults.

View all articles by Sara Benincasa

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216 comments

  1. Beowoof

    I would prefer not to be teabagged, even by Barry's massive black balls. However, I will give him credit for having the balls his predecessor never had.

    1. BarackMyWorld

      I always though Dubya had more balls than brains. He did a lot of stupid shit, but he did it with such BRAVADO~!

  2. Barb

    "Later, there was a Congressional Bisexual Dinner. "
    Greedy bisexuals! Pick a hole and commit!
    For the purpose of this thread, I am a vagatarian. I will be going back to "strictly dickly" as soon as needed.

    1. SorosBot

      But without bisexuals, we couldn't have three-ways (or at least they'd be very awkward), and the world would be a worse place.

          1. Barb

            Crap! The Flyer hockey season is over.
            Hi, I'm Barb! I am bisexual, thanks to Sorosbot. I like Pina Coladas, getting caught in the rain…….

          2. SorosBot

            It was sad, but there was no way they could have a miraculous comeback from 0-3 two years in a row, especially against the same team, even if it is the city that is home to the most obnoxious sports fans in North America.

          3. Barb

            I am impressed with the Tampa Bay team and the San Jose Sharks. I feel like an idgit now. (fookin' idgit) I planned my Sunday arrival in Vegas early so that I could watch the Flyers play while I waited for my room to be ready. Now I am stuck drinking and gambling for hours before I can go and pack my jammies in the room, so that I can go drink and gamble for hours, those bastards!.

      1. mayor_quimby

        I saw that, and I was wondering how Rachael didn't get hypnotized by those huge boobs. But then again, this ain't Rachael's first rodeo.

    2. Negropolis

      God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Eve…and Lilith. What's that you say? Oh. Nevermind then.

    3. DahBoner

      "Pick a hole and commit!"

      This would make a great inspirational poster or paperweight!

    4. zhubajie

      One of my definitions of "conservative" is "won't go for the sexy variations."

  3. Troubledog

    Little Al-Queda kids in bin Laden jammies getting tucked in with bedtime stories about how Obama and Seal Team 6 will come for them in the night if they don't say their prayers.

    1. user-of-owls

      Don't forget the Pork-Free Flintstones Kiddie Vitamins! Strong bones make strong jihaditos!

  4. whiskeybaby

    That was the first time I've ever watched West Wing Week, and now I totally get what Sarah's been banging on about all this time. If Arun can just shoehorn a few cats doing cute things into the videos, this shit could go viral!

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      Me too. If not for the updated graphics, any given segment of that thing could have been an "In The News" episode like I watched on Saturday morning cartoons back in the 70's.

      In other words, I loved it.

      1. DahBoner

        "Come back to Chicago when you can afford real shoes."

        I was wearing flip-flops…

    1. MasterDebater

      Yeah I was actually just thinking about this…how badass is Barry, for this one reason alone: he QUIT SMOKING while working THE SHITTIEST JOB ON THE PLANET for the past 2.5 years. I mean, think about it…have YOU tried to quit smoking, ever? It's hard. And he did it while President. For this reason alone, he has my vote in 2012.

      1. zappadoo76

        I think he is still chipping away at it–sneaking a smoke now and then. I don't blame him. I quit twenty years ago and I still want a cigarette.

        1. Geminisunmars

          Yah, me too. I quit 28 years, 3 months, and 2 days ago — but who's counting?

    2. Beck_is_Trig

      Ehh….I'm thinkin' at this point it's not going so well. We'll let the facts on the ground dictate, but I'm thinking Barry might want to withdraw from Nicorette and maybe use another product. I mean, with all due respect he did "quit" smoking (haha, none of us ever really quit! damn you tobacco crack dealers) like 3 years ago. I've tried Nicorette and supposedly if you're not off it after 9 weeks, you're doing something wrong. So, yeah I totally understand shitty job and all, I'm just thinking maybe he's wasting his time with this aide…

        1. Beck_is_Trig

          Yes, I agree…I didn't say he should abandon quitting what I was saying is unless Nicorette is paying him to use their product he should check out other aides because three years in, it's obviously not working. You should probably read my post a little closer….

    3. DaRooster

      Should chew tobacco… if he orders it from Texas he can save some serious duckettes.

  5. PsycWench

    And all week long Barry made Republicans and Tea Party-ers weep bitter bitter tears.

    1. BarackMyWorld

      Attacking someone for doing something you wish you'd have done yourself is emotionally draining. I think the years of hypocrisy and rationalized bigotry are finally starting to catch up with them.

        1. RadioGroundZero

          That's my favorite thing about whacking ol' what's his name — watching the whole RW propaganda machine cut off at the knees.
          Yep, threw the whole "he's weak and timid," and "doesn't even acknowledge the 'War on Terror'" theme right off the side of the ship.
          And, all they got for a comeback is the resurrection of the whole torture, tortured argument. John Yoo can eat shit.

          1. Bonzos_Bed_Time

            That and, you know, that wasn't really U/Osama, it was faked, no pictures, etc!

          2. RadioGroundZero

            Or, it was all me, me, me, me, I, I, I with Obama. Fucking Limbo even counted them all.
            Another desperate talking point is that the story of the raid keeps changing. Another one where Limbo had to tally the different versions.
            Who fucking cares?
            Those asswipes would have done better to just go off the air for a few weeks.
            But it is amusing to watch them founder.

          3. RavenRant

            The difference is, Bushies clung to their lies about Jessica Lynch, Pat Tillman, stay-the-course, just-around-the-corner, ad infinitum, for months/years, while this administration corrects errors immediately.

    2. Beck_is_Trig

      That's been the best part of all of it! Watching Glenn Beck's mock "horror" over the Bin Laden shooting, yeah like that pasty fat fuck didn't do a skit of poisoning pelosi, or "joke" about paying someone to kill Michael Moore for picking on his buttsex lover Dubya and fap, fap, fap to the Hussein family murders (which by the way, were a lot more horrifyingly sketchy legally and morally than UBL). Then El Rushbo's great white whale of a lard ass demanded we, the left APOLOGIZE for making his boyfriend Bush not catch Bin Laden. Oh, this and birthers and Donald and now lots of new jobs…best two weeks of being a liberal hate-tard ever!

    3. JustPixelz

      David Koch — billionaire at large — said Obama doesn't deserve any credit. He didn't really do anything, just said Yes or No. Makes me wonder what Mr. Koch did to deserve his billions. Just made some decisions, is what I'm thinking. So hand it back Koch boys, you didn't earn it.

    4. DahBoner

      But you realize that had it not been for Bush, Osama would have never caught bin Laden!

      See, had it not been for Bush's SPECTACULAR FAILURE in catching bin Laden, Osama would never even have gotten the chance to catch him!

      1. zhubajie

        If Bush the younger had really wanted OBL, he could've gotten extradited to Saudi, tried and beheaded within the first six months. He'd worn out his welcome in Afghanistan, and the Taliban leaders were eager to get rid of him.

    5. Gainsbourg69

      Not if you're a florida teabagger. They just fucked our state up for the next few decades or so.

  6. SarahsBush

    You know, I get horny enough reading your posts. Throw in some bisexuality, teachers, and giant Barack balls and, well, shit, looks like it's time to close the blinds.

    1. MasterDebater

      Good–I'm not the only one. Kind of sad, getting faintly aroused by a political satire blog.

  7. SorosBot

    As someone who comes from a family of mostly teachers (well, many retired former teachers now) let me tell you that hell yes they can really fucking drink; except for my grandmother, but that's because she's a Christian Scientist. And from my memories of high school, the teenage boys treat attractive young female HS teachers like Sara 2 was even worse than we can attractive young female bloggers; going to an all-boys school made us students even worse that it probably is at schools with girls.

    1. BarackMyWorld

      So that's what I was doing wrong all those years. I didn't drink enough.

    2. Beck_is_Trig

      Okay, so I'll cop to the female teacher treatment, only in my case it's college professors. The reason why is, none of my lower-school teachers were EVER attractive, so now I've got all this pent-up teacher perv and I hit college and find myself suddenly with doable professors. Of course, it just translates to me being funny and charming (fail and fail? I'm always suprised when my charm works) and nice (win?), I keep the perverted shit to myself. Oh, and I probably annoy other people in the class by more having conversations than discussions, and because I tend to know more on the issues than they do (I can't help being a politics wonk!).

    1. BarackMyWorld

      I just realized they probably had to dump the body in the ocean before Bonnie got home.

        1. gullywompr

          Hey, look man, I didn't mean to shoot the son of a bitch. The gun went off. I don't know why.

          1. BarackMyWorld

            What happened here was a miracle, and I want you to fucking acknowledge it.

          2. BarackMyWorld

            Apparently we're doomed to wandering the Earth fighting people…you know, like Caine in "Kung Fu."

  8. BarackMyWorld

    High school teachers may be hard drinkers, but I've seen some middle school teachers rock the nose candy like nobody's business.

    1. Dudleydidwrong

      If I had to deal with middle school brats I'd be into both in a bad, bad way.

      1. Lascauxcaveman

        You'd have to be dealing, to afford nose candy on a teacher's salary.

        Oh, yeah, I get it! Built in clientele.

  9. pinkocommi

    "Oh, if you want some inspiration, fap to this shot of your Barry MAYBE KISSING HILLARY ON THE CHEEK"

    After all that Hillary has put up with from Bill for all these years, it would make me happy to know that she has taken as a lover a younger man with flat abs, rhythm and a great big, black . . . . Well, you get the idea.

    1. HistoriCat

      Please – you don't think Michelle would cut a bitch just because she was Secretary of State?

  10. chascates

    For a Socialist Muslim he's a pretty busy guy! Add in secret meetings, talking with world leaders, and trying make some difference in this country and you can understand why he has no time for the birthers, truthers, deathers, and warmongers.

    Hey, why doesn't the House not vote to raise the debit ceiling until he shows his kindergarten records?

  11. GuyClinch

    Sara, possibly your best KKKolumn ever. Can you put me in touch with your X dealer?
    anyhow, smashingly good. It's a great week for America and for teh wonket.

  12. VinnyThePooh

    Have you ever hung out with teachers? These bitches can fucking drink.

    What they drink depends on the subject they teach.
    English teachers always have wine. The pot will follow after a few glasses.
    History teachers like whiskey.
    Biology teachers prefer gin for the added benefit of cleaning the smell of pickled baby pigs from the nose.
    Science teachers will drink anything they can get their hands on.
    Art teachers only drink to lose the cotton mouth from acid.

    Sports coaches drink beer while filling their hard drives with kiddie porn.

    1. DaRooster

      I should have been a Sports History teacher…
      … except maybe with KITTY porn… 'cuz I loves me some…

      Aww… too cheesy.

    2. ghblowhard

      My parents were teachers (Mom: English, Dad: Math, Social Studies) and they drank Manhattans

      1. Geminisunmars

        My parents were teachers (Mom: Theater, English, Dad: Music) and they'd drink whatever was free or cheap.

        And I've followed their example. Although not a teacher, and was a math major.

        1. Beck_is_Trig

          hah! must be the lack of sleep or alcohol-infused paper writing…but I thought you said meth major and I stand corrected. Ahhh…and for a moment, I thought I'd met a fellow graduate from the school of methy

    3. BerkeleyBear

      In my experience, it is the band/music teachers with the kiddie porn. Coaches break down with females having the best lesbian porn, and males with grungy nasty porn.

  13. LibrulEleet

    I swear I'm not homophobic, but there's no way I'm going to let Ken Layne or any other guy handle my sex toy.

  14. ifthethunderdontgetya

    Barry Is Officially Your BEST PRESIDENT EVAR

    If only this were true.

    Unemployment is back up to 9% (govt. stats – real world is much worse), we're buried in at least 3 wars (more or less, depending on whether you think a declaration counts), President Barry is trying to compete with the Republicans on cutting spending/fixing the national debt (as if the Republicans really gave a shit about spending or the debt), and yes, we are even more fucked now than we were back in 2006 when we started voting the rethugs out.

    Thanks for the change, Preznit Emm-Effer!

    Ronald Reagan was a sleazy lying shit, please stop trying to be him.
    ~

    1. DaRooster

      I am still awaiting the TARIFFS and the YOU MADE RECORD PROFIT PAY SOME FUCKING TAXES YOU WORTHLESS PIECES OF SHIT laws. We truly need to make MORE than 11% of the things we consume here… like we do now.

      1. RavenRant

        Our founding fathers were protectionist. So was every administration since, to one degree or another, until Reagan. The idea that 'free trade' was a universal good was just more magical fairy dust from the supply-side, trickle-down, too smart for regulation con artists.

        Protectionist somehow became a dirty word, cuz what could be more obscene than protecting American workers?

    2. Beck_is_Trig

      Okay, so one at a time…unemployment first. Obama walks into a situation where official unemployment rose to 10% from the Bush prezitsy while us smarks know real unemployment was actually 25% at the HEIGHT of the Bush economy. You're thinking Barry could just FIX that problem? FDR WAS the best preznit ever and it took him 10 years to get the economy fixed from Republican bad ideas…and they didn't have 30 years to fuck it up. Plus, like all preznits FDR had a downside because there's NO PERFECT LEADER. No, we're not more fucked than in 2006, I completely disagree. For one, the dam has broken, for two the debt isn't really as serious as they make it out to be and three…Bush isn't president anymore.

      1. BerkeleyBear

        Oh, and FDR had iron clad majorities for his first two terms, and still managed to put the brakes on the recovery from 36 on because the conservative wing of his own party balked. Obama never had enough votes to do a 2 trillion dollar, infrastructure only stimulus like the Chinese did, but we still managed to muddle through. He didn't have the votes to get single payer, but we got a heck of a lot closer. He is still having to fight to keep healthcare and financial reform meaningful while trying to figure some way out of the shit storm that is Iraqistan.

        FDR did have similar financial issues to deal with, but he also got 9 years to deal with it while nudging the country towards war. Plus he didn't have to deal with issues of racial or social justice to keep his base happy – it was about white men's interests almost exclusively (although he did belatedly try to do some things about lynching).

        Personally, I'll stack President Obama's first term up with anyone else's, including Lincoln's.

    3. Beck_is_Trig

      Look, if we're to get out of this, it's going to take abandoning capitalism to do it. No, I don't mean straight socialism, but a true economic hybrid of post industrial economics which means a change in mindset. Government spending as a % of GDP isn't actually bad, in Germany for instance it's 54% of GDP and their economy is in a better place. Regulations need to be tightened, we need new energy production which will give us a new industrialist phase and revenues need to be recouped. The government CANNOT however, spend only on sunk costs like defense. Extra government spending only works when it's used in smart, investment minded approaches like education; state universities should be free and state of the art. Curriculums need to be nationalized and the district system revamped because the inequality of tax-base reliance accounts for much of our woes. All I'm saying is, it's time for our country to grow up and I think Barry has in a lot of ways put the first tenative steps that direction….

    4. Beck_is_Trig

      We also need a new phase of innovation built upon expansion of scientific grants and we need to seperate academic sciences from corporate America's influence. The fact is, this all can be done and personally I think it will be done or the United States will become a third world memory. In terms of wealth distribution we're already there, the latest CIA fact book from studies places us BEHIND the ivory coast and pakistan in class inequality. Ultimately, above and beyond else THAT issue needs to be tackled, it holds us back in SO MANY ways economically and really explains about 99% of our problems.

      1. DaRooster

        I agree.
        I think we need to go BACK… and that means providing for ourselves and making it cost those who don't believe that way. The only way out of this is to stop allowing those with the money to continue being Internationalists… being American when it suits them and being from wherever else when THAT suits them.
        If a company wants to do business in America, they must invest in America. Which keeps the strength here and not necessarily in the pockets of corporation fat cats.

    5. Negropolis

      Wha? Next, you're going to up and tell me our president is morally weak! Where are my smelling salts? I do believe I am getting the vapors.

      More seriously, on a blog where just the other day Riley seriously as sin did everything short of resorting to the Iranian tactic of calling America the Great Satan, I don't think Sarah is at all out of bounds for tongue-in-cheekly declaring Barry O'Bamagh the "BEST PRESIDENT EVAR".

      So, has this been the best week, or the BEST WEEK EVAR?

    6. Goonemeritus

      It is said that politics is the art of what is possible, if that is true you sir are indeed fucked for the foreseeable future. If you think our country is ready to except a true progressive agenda you will spend the next few decades blowing bubbles into a fifth of bourbon. Our country has been systematically misinformed by the right since Reagan; they shout lies over and over and shout down all decent. You seem to think that one election can change everything, it can’t. The change you talk of will only come when we work as hard and as long as the right has. I for one chose to see the last two years as timid steps towards goodness. Compared to the previous eight years I am grateful and yes inspired by this guy.

      1. Beck_is_Trig

        You're right but history says the right wing will be repudiated. Think about this, before the Triangle Fire progressivism barely existed and the classic liberalist views of workers being slightly better paid, educated and treated than slaves ruled the day. The proprietors of the Triangle Shirtwaste factory were treated with obscene levels of respect even though their building was an incineration waiting to happen. Then once it did happen we saw the first real coalescense around workers rights and with the muckrakers, etc. anti-corporate, anti-economic elitism and especially anti-social darwinist message of the left really took form in the US.

        1. easynewz

          This. And a relevant quote:

          "Liberalism is, I think, resurgent. One reason is that more and more people are so painfully aware of the alternative." ~John Kenneth Galbraith

      2. Beck_is_Trig

        FDR wouldn't have been possible 10 years before he was elected is my point. The right wing tactics we've seen the past 30 years are nothing new. They always pick their members from elite assholes and ours always come from the middle and lower classes. Thanks to Scott Walker, Rick Snyder and tubbsy McFatass Christie there is new energy on the left and Barry seems to be somewhat receptive to harnessing it, especially after tossing out neoliberals from his administration. What our job is to keep the energy up on the grassroots level so just like after Triangle the Democrats find a way to harness us or they get run over from within. The Progressive Era didn't happen because we waited for institutions or politicians to tell us what to do and I'm seeing this now in Madison and other places, "the little people" are angry, and finally the anger is pointed in the right direction.

        1. Goonemeritus

          A good friend of mine is fond of saying that the seeds of every movement’s failure are sown at the moment of their greatest triumph. If he is correct and I think he is the modern conservative movement will perish because of unbridled greed. If you’re philosophy is that greed is the only worthwhile motivation it will eventually drive you off a cliff. It brings to my mind an encounter I had with the CEO of my last corporation. It was late 2001 or early 2002 and the economy was tanking, our corporation was however booming (we were in a market that was still growing despite the down turn). The gist of the conversation was that the down turn was a great opportunity that shouldn’t be wasted. He wanted all us business unit managers to roll back benefits while everyone was scared of losing their jobs. We did as we were told but within a year most of the better managers left in disgust including myself. The thing that puzzles me is that the corporate goons by and large see this as wrong. They see an erosion of company loyalty as way more costly long term than the short term P&L pickup but the top level executive leadership (CEO types) are driven by what the street wants.

        2. Goonemeritus

          Even more upsetting is that Joe lunch pail, by and large is the real audience for Rush and his ilk. Closing I will leave you with a question how bad will it have to get before the average Joe realizes that the game is fixed.

          1. Beck_is_Trig

            I figure it will stack up like this: economic recovery is anyone who wants to change this systems worst enemy. Populist rancor is at its highest when the job markety is at its weakest. The fact is, Barry may fix us all out of an opportunity to get at the plutonomy unless of course they are dumb and greedy enough to go for broke, which they happily seem to be doing (Kochsuckers). The fact is, the state fury isn't calming down and the energy is there…but it's going to take work and mitigating Citizens United enough for Democrats to dare risk corporate wrath. We'll see in the next year what happens, but if the economy craters for real this time, all bets are off and Wallstreet is going to be in DEEP trouble. That's my analysis, simply stated.

          2. Beck_is_Trig

            Oh, and lets see what happens in the Midwest as well, I think if the activists are successful they'll give other libtards a chance to stop navel gazing and fighting amongst ourselves long enough to defeat these turds. The teabaggery has dried up, they can't draw more than 1,000 people to hear the abominable Snowkunt grift on the mic anymore…

    7. imissopus

      I noted this here a couple of weeks ago and I'll note it again: when JFK ran for president in 1960 part of his campaign theme was that he was bringing change to D.C. He was a young, energetic, smart, pragmatic technocrat with a telegenic family, and he rode into office on a wave of energy…and ran smack into the hidebound bureaucracy of Washington that wasn't as interested in change. For example, the then-chair of the House Rules Committee was Howard Smith, a very conservative Virginia Dem who as Rules chair had the power to block any progressive legislation from coming to the floor, and did. (Compare that to the health care reform debate a year and a half ago, when a Hill staffer said "Obama can promise whatever he wants, shit does not pass the Senate unless Ben Nelson says okay.")

      And in any case JFK had tacked left during the campaign to woo liberals, then tacked back to the center anyway after his election. He even appointed some pretty conservative Republicans to serve in his administration.

      You'd think in fifty years the liberal wing of this country would have figured this shit out and come up with a better counter-strategy, but apparently not.

      So let's look at a couple of your points: the administration seems to have rolled the Republicans, or at least the Tea Party, so that quite a few of those huge spending cuts they announced a few weeks ago are actually illusory. Just this week the Republicans backed off of privatizing Medicare in part because Barry and the Senate made it clear the scheme would never get past them. All of our soldiers are still on schedule to be out of Iraq by the end of this year, thus honoring the Status of Forces Agreement that Bush signed with the Iraqis in 2006 or so, and there is no sign the administration wants to try and slow or even stop the withdrawal. Yeah we're still in Afghanistan, but Barry said multiple times during the campaign that he intended to ramp up the effort there along the Pakistan border, including incursions into Pakistan if necessary to go after bin Laden in particular (anyone who claims he said anything other than that is delusional and should spend five minutes scouring YouTube for his old campaign speeches.)

      Oh, and there's the little matter of the ACA, which may not be single-payer but is still a hell of an improvement on the way things were, and if it works as designed will actually cut the deficit in the medium term, which is something we are going to need to do eventually. Yeah unemployment is still bad, though I don't know what any president could do about that – it's a structural problem with our economy that's not getting fixed in two years, particularly if the Republican congress continues to be more concerned with stopping abortion and giving rich people tax cuts than anything else.

      This whole "Obama is trying to be Reagan" meme is just fucking stupid, and insulting to the intelligence. Reagan was a demented old fool who barely knew what was going on around him and often consulted his wife's astrologer before he did anything. Obama is by all appearances engaged and energetic and working his ass off. He may have done plenty that I disagree with, but he's also done plenty of good stuff considering the constraints he's worked under (no one ever took up Reagan's time questioning him about whether he was really an American,) and he's done it all in a relatively short time. Given all that, I say we give the guy the second half of his first term before we pronounce ourselves even more fucked. After that Wonkette can complete its transformation into Firedoglake.

      Great, now I'm riled up and I'm going to have to watch about ten episodes of 30 Rock to calm down.

      1. easynewz

        A very righteous rant, Sir.

        My pet theory is that the subsequent periods of economic prosperity f.x. under Pres. Clinton have more to do with a sense of optimism which in turn inspires consumer confidence. And most Democratic presidents do their very best to try to restore the idea that government is in fact for the people, something that the Republican(t)s refudiate when they have the football.

        In closing, a haiku:

        Karl Marx was right
        With the Proletariat
        We will all be free

      2. Negropolis

        Just to add, I think Obama is both rhetorically and in spirit more firmly rooted in the left than Kennedy ever was, and I think it has to mostly do with their vastly different personal backgrounds, yet Kennedy is viewed by so many as a uber-liberal giant.

        1. imissopus

          I've been reading "The Best and the Brightest" and it's a good reminder of how Kennedy was turned into such a martyr after his death. In reality he and his brother weren't very enamored of liberals (or much of their philosophy for that matter) in general. The book has a lot of passages where you could substitute the name Obama for Kennedy and you'd think it was written in 2010.

          I think Obama has generally liberal ideals too, he's just got his own way of pursuing them. If Kennedy had lived and even won a second term, he wouldn't be nearly as beloved on the left.

          1. easynewz

            Indeed. As evidenced by the rather impressive accomplishments of our Jedi POTUS. This (super)man has shown that he can really 'get 'er done' because he does what is possible, not merely desirable.

            [sigh]…. I am old enough to remember when praising the accomplishments of the opposite aisle was not traitorous, seditious and an almost guaranteed political suicide.

            Sheesh. This thread is looking too much like KoS – needs more slavish worshiping of Sara and her beautifully abusive prose.

        2. easynewz

          Since this is Wonkette, I do believe that sharing fantasies is not a punishable offence. So I will share one here:

          In a way earlier thread (24 weeks ago), I shared a fantasy about Joe Wilson (R) -Idiot, in which I imagined the Secret Service just cold draggin' the uncouth S.O.B. out of the chamber and teaching him some manners, Chicago 'style.'

          As an avowed Sci-Fi junkie, I also fantasize about going back in time. And one of the theories of time-travel says that it would be easier to travel back a limited distance on the timeline. So I would head back to just before that SOTU and give Barry a heads-up warning of what would go down.

          Just about all of the pundints talk about "the defining moment of this presidency." That was it for me. It was the first and only time I can recall Barry actually being caught off guard. The look on his face said it all, but it was the moment when an elected supposed representative of the people outright dissed the sitting POTUS in front of a national audience. After that, it was open season for thinly veiled racism and disrespect.

          Fuck. Them. Especially spawn-of-quayle, who actually got elected by doing so.

          Gah. Time to mellow out with some ganja. And lazily dream of Mistress Sara…. May need to wash my Wonkette Chair-Towel™ after that.

  15. RadioGroundZero

    Hey, did Kate Middleton's father-in-law know that Barry, while being one bad-ass motherfucker, is just a commoner? Does he even know the Middleton's are commoners? Where is the fealty?

    1. fuflans

      kate middleton's father is a plant from 1961 to help prove barry was born in america.

      hell, KATE MIDDLETON is a plant to prove that barry was born in america.

      1. RadioGroundZero

        Is this an Alinsky trick or is that why his middle name is Hussein?
        Either way, he is destroying this country with his radical Marxist agenda!

  16. user-of-owls

    Ok, so I suppose this will be my last post ever since it is over the top even by local standards. Thanks for all the kind support and abundant laughs, cries and farts. So here goes: This week, the world tragically lost a true warrior-poet of the ages. RIP Perry White.

    1. Geminisunmars

      Superman will find a way to bring him back, even if he has to fly backward in time. Oh wait, that would undo all the good that the Prez done this week. So — RIP Perry.

    2. RadioGroundZero

      You little rascal…
      Don't be fooled everybody, this is the oldest owl trick in the book: Yeah, I'm done. Some obscure reference or clever meme or well-placed criticism that makes you think the owl is retiring for the night…and next thing you know, BAM. Your little mouse neck is snapped like a dead hickory tree in a 90 mph wind.
      Last post, my ass.
      Just don't make any Trig jokes.

      1. finallyhappy

        my comic book guy told me that this week- when i went into a comic book store for the second time ever. Comic book stores didn't exist when I was a kid- you just bought Archie and Superman at the drugstore(which was not a CVS/Walgreens/Rite Aid-)

  17. Warpde

    I cried, laughed and farted at the same time once.
    Took me a week to clean up the shit on the wall.

    If you don't go over the top how will you ever know whats on the other side?
    See you tomorrow :)

  18. ttommyunger

    Sorry for the loss of your special "unit" for a year. May he return safely and find you just as he left you: freshly fucked.

  19. lulzmonger

    ♪♫ Sara Benincasa, watchin' West Wing (Week), F-A-P-P-I-N-G! ♪♫

    Recommendation 4 Sara: sorry, no way in hell I'd ever send anyone some white powder in the mail, buuuuut … if you don't have a jar of Kama Sutra™ (THIS IS NOT AN ADVERTISEMENT) honey-dust, get thee to a sex-shoppe & get some, tout suite. Good for your skin & feels like pure weapons-grade OOH-LA-LA. Just remember to wash up promptly afterward, since ladyfolk have known issues with sugary stuff in/on their bits. Your hoo-hah will thank you for it.

    SRSLY.

  20. Beck_is_Trig

    Sara, I'm guessing Barry's giant balls have made your nipples harder than Dick Cheney's while he watches a guy being tortured? Funny post and thanks but no thanks to the teabaggin'…I like Barry and all, we're cool, but if he tries to jab his giant nutsack in my mouth, we're gonna throw. It's just not that kind of like is all I'm saying. Oh, and you didn't get that giant blue cybertronic, hyper-speed dildo I sent? Go yell at Ken…I'm thinking you MIGHT have picked the wrong person to use as your C/O. Oh, and since purchasing that proprietary space-age, martian gravity tested 10 speed astronaut dildo for you heh, heh blew my wad, I'll send some ice and clothes pin for the nipples…you're welcome.

  21. undeterredbyreality

    It just came to me–did you go by Miss Smith and teach middle-school English while sitting on the desk in a short skirt and slapping the side of the desk with a yardstick and occasionally leaning forward to show your cleavage to some seriously hormonally overwhelmed 8th grade boys? 'Cuz I think I had you. Or at least I know I wish I did.

  22. fuflans

    Now the direct sunlight is going away because of Progress and Hope, so she is moving to Queens, where there is no hope and very little progress.

    damn grrl you r good.

      1. SorosBot

        It is sad; the dude is actually talented and funny, but he just retreated into doing the same old fat stoner guy thing in every role he had; the only time he's been legitimately funny recently was in the Community episode he guest-starred in last year, where he played a parody of his typical role.

    1. Beck_is_Trig

      You mean there was a period when he wasn't insufferable? I'm joking…I like Jack Black, I just think his gimmicky stuff shouldn't be made into feature films. He does great support work and cameos like when he was in Bob Roberts as an insane wingnut worshipper of Tim Robbin's douchebaggy character. I also liked that movie "Be Kind Rewind" to a certain extent because of the message of local community involvement and public living. Some of the drama was eh…not so good and the end was pretty cheesy but for the most part it was a suprisingly good movie. I think Jack Black is one of those performers best kept in small doses, not carrying films.

      1. LetUsBray

        Dude was awesome as one of the Musical Moron Twins in High Fidelity (a great film all around).

  23. fuflans

    ok yeah barry is so raw and awesome, but again i have to say: barry THE PANTS, THE PANTS.

    the tragedy.

    1. AngryGeometer

      Hey, he just works with what he's got.

      The current MJOTUS (Mom Jeans of The United States) were originally created to Lyndon Johnson's specifications in 1964 and haven't been updated since.

      We're living in the 21st Century, and yet our Commander in Chief is forced to go to war in 20th Century pants. Tragedy.

      1. Negropolis

        Hey, sometimes, you have to go to war in the pants you have, instead of the pants you want.

    1. RadioGroundZero

      Haha, another great thing about whacking ol' what's his name: NO PALIN POSTS.
      Fuck Brillo Palin and the vaginoplasty/liposuction for her well-trodden pussy/face.

      1. Lascauxcaveman

        Really overexposed and done, that one. That whole family, thank goodness.

  24. Negropolis

    Sara, there may be no hope and little progress in Queensborough, but it has diversity unlike any other. All the diversity you can eat! It makes Manhattan look like central Kansas.

    But, give it time. Soon, Queens will have both hope and prosperity in abundance, because it will have hipsters looking to invade from Brooklyn. What with their record stores, and fixie bikes, and ironic facial hair, and peasant blouses, and sunny and soul-lifting optimism….damn those hipsters!

    1. finallyhappy

      I went to Queens once and Brooklyn once-As a tourist, I couldn't figure out why I should go more than that.

    2. DahBoner

      A long time ago, I once overheard a trucker talking to his wife on a payphone in Queens:

      "Ma, I'm in Downtown Queens!"

      I looked around (Long Island City). This is "downtown"?

  25. BarackMyWorld

    Having Benincasa get the last post before the weekend should be standard operating procedure from now on. So much fertile territory for extended discussion and/or jokes about body parts.

    1. Beck_is_Trig

      Yes, true although I'm trying to stop being a one trick pony by always calling attention to the large breastsses of Mdm. Benincasa. Actually, this time giving the subject being Barry's inflated balls it's actually aprapous…so here we go: Sara, you have big boobs and you cannot lie. There, finished. Oh and I fucking hate wingnuts…my other bag o' tricks.

      1. Lascauxcaveman

        Maybe we could do elbows next week? Or whatever you call that patch of flesh behind the knee?

  26. tribbzthesquidz

    I won't be fapping to anything. I only ejaculate dust now. Poof!
    Barry will be hard enough for all of us though. He's packing a fountain down there, with like, cherubs and grapes and shit.

    1. BerkeleyBear

      "Suck on my salty chocolate balls – Put'em in yo mouth!"

      I was wondering if anyone was going to make an Isaac Hayes/Chef reference. Glad to know I'm not the only one.

  27. MarionNYNY

    3:39 — Joe Biden "We killed . . . we killed …" It's like he can't get the words out because the guy at the other end of the phone is interrupting, saying:
    "…. yeah, Friday night WHCB, I was there dude, he KILLED."

  28. mrblifil

    As usual, just seeing Sara's byline cause a premature eruption of spirit, and it took extra effort to read every word, and clicky every linky. By the end however, I was feelin' a mite randy again though…

  29. BarackMyWorld

    How the media reports on Iran is a personal pet peeve of mine, but here's more proof the American press doesn't understand jack or shit about Iran, and is therefore just going to completely ignore an important story…

    Iran's supreme leader tells Ahmadinejad: accept minister or quit http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2011/may/06/iran-

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      The choice in Iran is fuckwad #1 or fuckwad #2. Kinda like the GOP these days.

    2. Mort_Sinclair

      That's because the scripts come out of central scripting the way Ahmadinejad came right out of central casting. No one is interested in the nuance or the details of the intricacies of Iran's governmental power struggles, even when those little details are revealing or important in a meaningful manner. Bad Country. Bad People. Bad Guy. That's what the Amurkin people can digest in between arguments about Steve Tyler's lips.

    3. HistoriCat

      Maybe if the Iranians would give them talking points ahead of time – the media in this country don't have time for boring shit like "research."

  30. user-of-owls

    Holy Cannoli! Has anyone been following this insane SlutWalk phenom?? In all honesty, this just blows me a.w.a.y. From a stupid comment by a Toronto cop to eight female law students we now have a genuinely global movement to reappropriate the word "slut." It is fascinating and for me inspiring. At the risk of going over the top (is that possible here?):

    SlutWalkers are this generation's Madres de la Plaza de Mayo
    http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2011/may/06/slutw

    1. weejee

      You know, I think we're beating around the bush here Occifer Michael Sanguinett

      That was Snaguinett's lede to his harangue on slutty dressing? The Guardian had to have made that up. That's even beyond Mel Brooks.

    2. RavenRant

      I don't think wimminfolk can 'reappropriate' the word slut. It was never ours to begin with.

      But we can claim it, own it, and shove the still-thriving double standard all up in the planet's grill.

      This long-time slut appreciates your support.

      1. user-of-owls

        Very well said! I guess the term "re-appropriate" does imply a previous ownership, but I think it's come to mean what you so eloquently said, namely, claiming ownership, pride and respect from a word, a mindset, that was designed to demean and dehumanize. So how we describe the process of attaching positive meaning to a hateful word aside, the people and the courage behind this are inspirational to me.

        1. RavenRant

          Love it. The weirdness surrounding sexuality, double standards, etc., has baffled and infuriated me since my earliest childhood. Nice to know there like-minded folk out there. Now is the time to shout it from the rooftops, because the people who are desperately trying to drag us back to the dark ages are psychotically motivated and focused.

    3. Negropolis

      You know how we know the officer was a Canadian and not American?

      Had it been under any other circumstance, Sanguinetti might have been quite proud of his global impact. In the circumstances, facing internal discipline by the Toronto police, he has grovelled profusely.

      "I am embarrassed by the comment I made and it shall not be repeated," he said.

      This. If he'd have been an NYPD officer, he'd have reiterated what he said and somehow made it even more offensive.

      BTW, when you start off your sentence with…

      "I've been told I'm not supposed to say this – however…"

      You're screwed.

  31. Lascauxcaveman

    Seriously. Ms Benincasa has done her Wonkette fans a great disservice by not posing provocatively in a pair of hot teacher glasses.

    (BTW if you google image "hot teacher glasses" you get two solid pages of porn thumbnails before a SWF sample is available._

  32. Walkinwiddaking

    "It’s got to be more than a little overwhelming to lose your entire fucking house and then meet the President of the United States with a passel of camera crews and security officials within about 48 hours."

    Boy, howdy.

  33. Warpde

    Saturday night.
    Nothing new on the Wonkette.
    Time to watch a Hockey game.
    Bye, bye Nashville.
    Go Nuks go!

    Feel proud America. Ryan Kesler is your gift to Canada.

  34. El Pinche

    I wonder what was harder for president Obama? Getting Bin Laden or fighting racists/birthers for two and half years? I say the latter. That's what makes him a bad ass.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      Religious fanatics who hate our freedumz and want to take society back to feudal times are tough opponents. For the other guy, you just have to send in the SEALS.

  35. V572..whatever

    BARNEY: You know, I think we're all Bozos on this bus.
    SOUND: BARNEY HONKS HIS NOSE AND THERE IS A CHORUS OF HONKS IN REPLY!
    CLEM: My mother was a Bozo-ette at school.
    BARNEY: No kidding! You know, my ma always said,"You gotta start young if you're gonna stick it out!"
    CLEM: Well, my mother didn't talk to me much.
    BARNEY: Poor kid!
    AUTOMATED HOSTESS: Now, please, everyone lock your wigs, let the air out of your shoes, and prepare yourselves for a period of simulated exhilaration. Everybody ready? Let's get in 'sync' for our Flight To The Future!

  36. x111e7thst

    Maybe Barry could send Seal Team Whatever to pay crying Glenda a visit next.? I'm sure John Yoo and Jay Bybee would be willing to explain that this is totally constitutional.

  37. PubOption

    My local CBS station has been showing trailers for Barry's appearance on 60 minutes this week. He appears to be using Boner orange make up. Will he cry on camera?

    1. VinnyThePooh

      Too bad Bob Ross is no longer among us. We could've heard Boner Orange along with Alizarin Crimson, Phthalo Blue, Titanium White, Sap Green, etc.

    1. Negropolis

      Could you stop spamming and trolling for the love of god? Honestly, you shouldn't be able to keep doing this.

  38. easynewz

    FYI:

    '60 Minutes' is airing an interview with President Obama tonight on CBS at 7:00 p.m. ET/PT.*

    *edited copypasta from an email from Obama 2012 campaign HQ

  39. weejee

    OT Jesus, it's no wonder we never caught OBL with that gang (the Bushies) of whiners in charge

    Don't usually go/link to the HuffingPo but Jason Linkins has a good bit on the Sunday Morn Talking Heads (aka Ode to the Oldes brought to you by Geritol) where the Rethugs were out in force screaming Nobama, the taking out of OBL was all Shrub and we needz moar torture morning, noon and night. Abbie Baby said NFW to torture back in 1861, but these new GOPeers can only see the world through their personal rosy palms colored glasses.

    ♪♫ Douche, Douche, Douche of erl
    Douche of erl, Douch of erl ♫♪

    1. BlueStateLibel

      Funny, Bush gave up on bin Laden YEARS ago, stating, for instance many years ago, "I don’t know where he is. I really just don’t spend that much time on him, to be honest with you." And great point about Abe refusing torture; just shows how much this country has slipped.

      1. weejee

        Missed that. We're "out in the field" so I don't have my usual office Wonkette regular fix. We've been getting up at 3:00 am to be out on the bridge by 4:00. The wind picks up in the afternoon, and when you boomed out over 120 feet it gets to bouncing when the wind is over 30 knots. I'm too fucking old for this shit, but gotta train the youngs. So it goes. We've been getting out of the bucket and sitting on the center arch here.

        1. RadioGroundZero

          There's some crappy teevee show — aren't they all?– on the History Channel called Inspector America or something and they were all over the Seattle waterfront. I was thinking about y'all.
          Infrastructure not bombs.

  40. anti0aquabudda

    "That weird scraping sound you hear is the sound of Barry’s GIANT BALLS being dragged around the country, while we collectively open wide our American Mouthhole to lovingly teabag him in the right, obedient way Jesus God intended."

    This site is a freaking disgrace!!! It is not news, but an excuse for "journalists" (or whatever you want to call them) to use vulgarity at its lowest form. Anyone that stays on this site long enough will obviously lose brain cells, which judging from most of the posts here, obviously cannot afford to lose. It is one thing to have political discussions, but to use such vile language about others is a disgrace! Well done Wonkette.com and you avid participaters, you have become the scum of the scum, the trash amongst the trash, the evil amongst the evil!! Pathetic!!

    1. weejee

      while we collectively open wide our American Mouthhole to lovingly teabag him in the rightpious, obedient way Jesus God intended

      Fixed. Jeebus was a socialist, not a neocon.

    2. ChessieNefercat

      Goodness gracious, have yourself a sitz bath and dab some Preparation H on those 'rhoids. Your cantankerous mood will probably improve and you may even discover a rudimentary sense of humor. No, wait, sorry, that requires wit and intelligence. At any rate, your hemorrhoids will thank you.

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