Hey look, it’s those socially awkward cavemen who have BIG PLANS to push a train onto its side or whatever. WATCH OUT FOR THESE BANDITS, YE OLDE ROBBER BARONS. THEY HAVE AN IDEOLOGY!

Al-Qaeda has confirmed the death of its leader, Osama Bin Laden, according to a statement attributed to the group and posted on jihadist internet forums.

The statement said his blood would not be “wasted” and al-Qaeda would continue to attack the US and its allies.

Bin Laden’s death would be a “curse” for the US and urged an uprising in Pakistan, the statement added.

Haha, your friend is dead. Fuck off, dweebs. [BBC]

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  • GunToting[Redacted]

    "his blood will not be wasted" = delicious black pudding for brekkies!!!

  • Barb

    Meh, we don't care. We just want to know if that weed he was farming was wasted.

    • Negropolis

      Also, if it was high quality. Also.

    • Schmannnity

      Qaida Coma is very hard to come by. Sometimes he had to settle for Zawahiri Gold or Khalid Chronic.

  • OkieDokieDog

    This proves without a doubt that who ever those politicians were that didn't want high speed rail were right! … about something or other.

    Oh yeah, that Obama is a Mooslim. That's it.

    • Arken

      On a related note, how do they reconcile their hatred of trains with their love of Atlas Shrugged?

      • neiltheblaze

        Consistency is the hobgoblin of marginally sane people.

  • Jdoleman

    Rob trains? They clearly have seen Atlas Shrugs(pt 1) and
    now know our fatal weakness. Damn you Randites. Damn you to hell.

  • ttommyunger

    This means nothing. I want to see the pictures, and then I want to poke my finger in the bullet wound, and then I want to smell his butt-plug, and then……

    • mumbly_joe

      ::insert obligatory "doubting ttommyunger" joke here::

      • ttommyunger

        No doubt!

  • nounverb911
    • Beck_is_Trig

      You know, that video would make Pat Buchanon actually cry. I'm suprised there isn't a conspiracy about his false demise or whatever like with every other evil ex-leader. Stalin didn't get an ODESSA group, or aliens, or Jim Maars either; he feels left out.

  • Gopherit

    If only we had used Reardon Metal. Our trains stand no chance. Curses upon the socialist commie train transport companies.

    Maybe they used his blood to fertilize the pot field? That was a lot to mop up… have to dump it somewhere.

  • Native_of_SL_UT

    As long as Al Quida continues getting their ideas of what's popular here by watching "Atlas Shrugged", we will have a good idea of where they strike next.

    • nounverb911

      The Starnes' Twentieth Century Motors Factory in Wisconsin?

    • Numbat_Dundee

      Blowing up theatres screening "Atlas Shrugged"? We can only dream.

  • Schmannnity

    Shit! First the Apaches and now the Qaeda. Break out the Winchesters.

    • MARCdMan

      No wonder they called him Geronimo…

  • nounverb911

    "Bin Laden’s death would be a “curse” for the US and urged an uprising in Pakistan, the statement added. "
    After eight years of Bush/Cheney, this should be a no-brainer.

    • GOPCrusher

      There may be an uprising in Pakistan, if American foreign aid dries up and Pakistan informs the population that it can no longer afford things like education for its people.

  • edgydrifter

    His blood is a curse? Who knew "Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret" was such a big hit with jihadists?

  • walstib

    Bring it you bearded pussies.

    Libs got guns now bitches.

    • DaRooster

      I'm gettin' my record ex-sponged… I'll be right behind ya… although we may need to use 'em here first…
      Which always makes me ask, "Why do we need to go to other countries to 'protect our freedom'"? Don't we have enough violations of those right here?

  • edgydrifter

    Meet Al Qaeda's new terror-plot mastermind: Snidely Bin-Whiplash.

  • neiltheblaze

    The conspiracy theorists are never going to buy it. Obviously Al Qaeda is in cahoots with the Kenyan Muslin Usurper who just wants everyone to believe OBL is dead and make Barry look good because they hate our freedoms. Crafty. Very crafty.

  • Schmannnity

    Dammit! I knew they were holding back out of a sense of kindness and sympathy in their hearts for The Great Satan. Excuse my Progressive 4th generation Democratic ass, but, bring it, losers.

  • SorosBot

    Since Al Quaeda is the real-world version of Cobra, mixed with religious fundamentalism, for their new leader they will create a clone with a mixture of the DNA of all of history's greatest conquerors.

    • Arken

      If Al Qaeda was the real-world version of Cobra, Osama would have escaped the SEAL team by flying away on an emergency chair/jetpack while waving his fist and cursing that they won… THIS TIME.

    • CalamityJames

      I get to be Snow Job. Or Duke.

  • BZ1

    Breaking news: Osse is still dead (this is starting to sound like the endless Franco still alive media reports…)

  • Bonzos_Bed_Time

    Plains, trains and automobiles… and those aren't pillows U/Osama!

  • Further examination of intelligence revealed plans to drive around and hit mailboxes with baseball bats at night, a plot to change destination signs on NYC subway cars and a sinister scheme to sign up the White House for tons of junk mail.

  • CliveWarren

    "BIG PLANS to push a train onto its side or whatever."

    You underestimate the horrors of train-tipping at your own peril.

    • Arken

      Back on the farm, we kept the practice restricted to cows.

  • This has nothing to do with OBL. They just saw "Atlas Shrugged" and now they hate trains — just like anyone else who's seen it.

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      I would guess that anyone that saw Atlas Shrugged would just hate movies in general.

  • The moral of all of this is really simple: no matter how concerned you are about the morale of your sworn-to-the-death bodyguards – NEVER – let all of them take vacation at the same time.

  • BTW, this "derail a train into the canyon between New York and New Jersey" idea may seem hairbrained – but the original idea was to hijack a train and ram it into the Empire State Building.

    • BerkeleyBear

      So they are getting their ideas from Batman, not Atlas Shrugged? Damn. Suppose the whole CIA needs to go see Thor and Captain America to keep up.

      • elviouslyqueer

        Great minds, BB, great minds.

    • elviouslyqueer

      Sounds like al Qaeda took the plot of Batman Begins just a wee bit too seriously.

      • Lionel[redacted]Esq

        Or they are simply riffing on every plot the Coyote used against the Road Runner.

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Still, think of the national shock if the beautiful canyon land between Jersey and New York was struck with tragedy.

  • jqheywood

    From the moment I heard Frau say I had a clone, I knew that I'd be safe cuz I'd never be alone. An evil doctor shouldn't speak aloud about his feelings, my hurt and my pain don't make me too appealing. I'd hoped Scott would look up to me, run the business of the family, head an evil empire just like his dear old dad, give him my love and the things I never had. Scott would think I was a cool guy, return the love I have, make me want to cry, be evil, but have my feelings too, change my life with Oprah and Maya Angelou. But Scott rejected me, c'est la vie, life is cruel, treats you unfairly, even so, a God there must be, Mini Me, you complete me.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Of course his blood is not going to be wasted. What do they think Cheney is for?

  • DaRooster

    "Bin Laden’s death would be a “curse” for the US…"

    Trust me guys… have you not seen the Repugs? We're already cursed.

  • elviouslyqueer

    In a perfect world, John Yoo would have been anally penetrated by a white-hot iron poker exactly 2 seconds after his "Torture Memo" was released. Lead by example or GTFO, Yoo.

  • Arken

    John Yoo never met a man who would not have benefitted from months of waterboarding before execution.

  • pinkocommi

    Is anyone concerned that, now that the head honcho of Al Qaeda is not a man with kidney disease needing dialysis 3 times a week for 3-5 hours at a time, they actually could be MORE effective? Or is it just me?

    • RadioGroundZero

      It's Die Alysis.

    • mumbly_joe

      Presumably, the fact that he doesn't need to stay in one place 3 times a week for 4ish hours at a time and also stay in a part of the world with access to modern medical care means he'll be difficult to find- OH WAIT.

    • Negropolis

      Where else is al Qaeda going to find a well-connected, charasmatic, millionaire, trustfund baby? Honestly, this was a huge blow to them. It'd be like us taking out Ronald McDonald. McDonald's would be crippled. Actually, it'd be worse, because McDonald's has been filtering out Ronald for years now.

  • I saw him on teevee last night — Elliot Spitzer interview, I think. Yoo was claiming the small force sent into Casa bin Laden is proof we had no intention of capturing him; that assassination — illegal assassination! — was the plan all along. That's kinda tortured logic, even coming from John Yoo.

    • RadioGroundZero

      Can we waterboard John Yoo?
      It's all legal Mr. Cheney.

    • That's kinda tortured logic, even coming from John Yoo.

      No, It was "enhanced interrogation" logic.
      American shitweasels don't torture!

    • mumbly_joe

      Yeah, obviously when you intend to capture someone, you send bombs, instead of commandos. Duh.

      Here's a good guide to figuring out whether a presidential action is legal or not:

      1) Take whatever John Yoo says.
      2) Then, remember that he thinks a presidential order to massacre a civilian village or crush a small child's testicles would be legal.
      3)Finally, figure out the exact opposite of whatever John Yoo said, and you have successfully derived the most legally and morally and ethically tenable position in the provided situation, as well as an intense urge to swab John Yoo's eyes with purified capsicum oil (it's not torture if it doesn't leave a mark! And even if it does, it's not like we've convicted him of any crimes, so it's not "cruel and unusual punishment"! His own reasoning!).

  • RadioGroundZero

    Remember the good old days when we used to get all of our news from Pravda?

  • Callyson

    Bin Laden’s death would be a “curse” for the US
    As in, the US will get the curse, and hence is not preggers. Works for me.

  • GOPCrusher

    Yoo should probably just go ahead and shut the fuck up.

  • Extemporanus

    This is good news for cows, Negroes, and dogs.

    • fuflans

      i would give you all my 'p' blood for that comment.

  • HistoriCat

    If the Seals had brought Bin Laden in alive, Yoo would be complaining about what a security risk he was and that Obama should have had him killed.

  • Sue4466

    Let 'em try to rob a train. James West & Artemus Gordon will stop them in their tracks.

    • ThundercatHo

      No one wore tight pants better than James West. Let's hope our next evil mastermind will be a little person.

  • XOhioan

    If it's the Amtrak that stops in Lima, Ohio at about 2:30 am, thumbs up. Fuck that train to fucking hell. Did you know that Amish people apparently never sleep? They never sleep and they got the motor mouth. Fucking train from hell. The only good thing was everyone sparking up in darkened observation car.

  • mumbly_joe

    Well, if the fine upstanding gentlemen of Al Qaeda say that Bin Ladin is dead, well, then just consider my skepticism allayed.

  • Who cares! This murderer has been on the run for 10 years and I congratulate Obama for making this decision he did to bypass any government and laws to bring this thug down. God Bless America!!

  • Negropolis

    Silly terrorists. No one rides the train in America. What's their next plan, to poison the food in the produce section of WalMart, boobie trap bicycle lanes in Houston, blow some shit up in downtown Gary, hold hostage the single movie-goer at a cinema watching Gigli or Glitter?

    Jokes on you, you silly bastards. Since when have these guys not been perpetually butthurt about something? Fuck 'em. They were trying to kill us long before 9/11 and they'll be trying long after. So is the world, and so has it always been.

  • Negropolis

    Dear Al Kaida,

    We're not nearly as into you as you are into us. Stop stalking us like some crazy, anti-social, unrelenting ex, lest you make us think you're begging for the Bin Laden treatment. As you can tell, we are wont to overreact to threats, and it don't ever end pretty, ok?

    Thanks in advance.

  • Negropolis

    Osama Blood Libel!

  • Negropolis

    This guy is (and has always been) an honest-to-goodness sociopath. Not one of those where you have to guess whether he or she isn't, but one that wears his mental evilness all over his fat, smug face. The ability to switch from horrible, contradictory positions to horrible, contradictory positions on the drop of a dime is a special kind of evil.

    This man deserves some kind of institutionalization in the worst way. A mental ward, a prison, something.

  • NadePaulKuciGravMcKi

    A nation can survive its fools, and even the ambitious.
    But it cannot survive treason from within … Cicero

    Remember the USAF 9-11 Stand Down Orders.

    • Hard to remember something that only happened on the internet.

      In any case, wishing our military had shot down the hijacked planes is a troubling notion. Uber-patriots praise Dick Cheney for (supposedly and extra-Constitutionally as the VP is not Commander-in-Chief) ordering United 93 shot down. That would mean the Vice President ordered the killing of 40 citizens (45 on board, 5 hijackers). Is that really a good thing?

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        Without torturing them first?

  • politics_nerd

    bahahahahahaha! there, I said it.

    let me just add, na-na-nana-na!

    in closing,


    thank you for your attention.

  • Just ask Butch – banks are better than trains. They don't move.

  • Etymologically interesting – strong evidence that the original phrase was the more anatomically plausible "Fuck Yoo."

  • NadePaulKuciGravMcKi

    Rita Katz and her SITE propaganda

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