outstanding democracy performer

Famous Progressive Scott Walker Declares ‘Employee Recognition Day’


Uh oh, progressive governor Scott Walker would like to say “thank you” to the men and women who work in public service. That can’t be good. He wants you to send him the names, personal contact information, and places of work of certain state employees. So he’s finally finished those gas chambers he was working on, huh?

At first, we thought, nah, Scott Walker doesn’t want a list of all the best public employees in the state so he can put them under surveillance and fire them. He’s just doing this to make himself look less evil. When you go to the website, his website, that he mentions, there’s the video, but the nomination form is nowhere to be found.

But eventually we tracked the form down. Here’s what it looks like, after you’re supposed to give your contact information so he can put you down on an “in league with the workers” hit list or whatever:

Help us, Schindler!

Who would know the residential address and phone number of a state employee they randomly come across? Nobody. And look at the amount of space they give you for the “why does this person deserve to be recognized” box. That’s not enough for more than a word or two. This is being used for NEFARIOUS MEANS. Nice try, Scott Walker! We should all “nominate” Scott Walker for this “State Employee Who Isn’t a Corrosive Marxist Agent” award, and then his goons will mistakenly throw him in jail with the rest of the other “excellent” state employees when he declares martial law and suspends habeas corpus in approximately a month. [YouTube/Scott Walker]

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About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef

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184 comments

  1. pinkocommi

    If you keep really good records, the mass executions go so much more smoothly.

      1. nounverb911

        They still have some of their German punch card readers in a warehouse somewhere.

        1. poncho_pilot

          originally manufactured by Die Bold. they changed their name to Diebold after the war.

          1. poncho_pilot

            i know. i just wanted to make a terribly obscure reference to Dr. Strangelove when i realized Diebold sounded a little too German to me.

    1. tessiee

      Mass executions? What mass executions?
      *looks around innocently*
      *scuffles toe of shoe on ground*
      It's just some yellow stars, that's all.

  2. Sue4466

    Why should my tax dollars go to special recognition for state employees? Fuck you Scott Walker and your pro-worker socialist ideas that state employees could ever be valuable for anything other than political scapegoats.

    1. horsedreamer_1

      I'm curious if Harley-riding RIL MURCAN Scott Walker enjoys his venti half-caf skim lattes from Starbucks as much as fellow RIL MURCAN John Mc Cain, in which case, it's a frap.

    1. DemmeFatale

      Dammit!
      I had forgotten how awesome Arnold was in that role!

      (Now, if only he hadn't been the Governator…)

  3. SudsMcKenzie

    If your a District Attorney aid don't bother, they all got pink slips yesterday.

  4. Barb

    There is no line to fill in for the name of this person's doctor so that they can be investigated too. Scott, you are starting to slip here.

    I'm voting for Pedobear! "what's his or her position?" I think "filthy Sanchez" is his favorite.

    1. ttommyunger

      I think that's "Dirty Sanchez" unless you know a new wrinkle for this old fav., Barb.

  5. CliveWarren

    Look at all those Koch pics behind him. That puts my "portfolio" of "classy pictures" to shame.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      Speaking of the Kochs, there's no reason we can't make a bunch of false submissions under their names and addresses. And all the other friends, relatives and business associates of Gov Scott.

  6. littlebigdaddy

    OK, workers to Scott Dilweed: Fuck You. With one of those barbed Polynesian fishing hooks.

    1. Extemporanus

      I'm really diggin' the whole urine-hued tie thing that the Republicans have goin' on lately.

      1. tessiee

        I didn't notice until you pointed it out (heh, you see what I did there?), but yeah, what's with the yellow paisley tie? Are 80s fashions coming back or something?
        *hoping for big hair and shoulder pads*

    1. user-of-owls

      Now that's what I call thinking inside the box! Yet, a shovel? I assume that's for staving in someone's skull, but am unsure about which player is the stavee.

  7. ManchuCandidate

    In honor of this day, Scott would personally like to piss in every coffee maker in the capital to show his appreciation for you leaches on respectable people (who are all narcissistic wingnutty billionaires with a persecution complex.)

    Also, you will also be sent the new Hallmark Card, the "Go Fuck yourself" card made from recycled toilet paper and garbage.

  8. axmxz

    Name (Last/First/Middle inital): Walker Scott K.
    In which Department is s/he employed?: Gau Wisconsin-Mittelwesten
    What is his/her position?: Gauleiter
    How long have they worked for the State of Wisconsin?: Too long.
    Why does this person deserve to be recognize as an Outstanding State Employee: The state employees standing out by his front door are about to tell him in detail.

  9. PabaBritannica

    Obviously a good move Scott! I mean, look at the top rated comment so far:

    "Go fuck yourself Walker."

    1. mookwrthwilson

      one calling him a Kochsucker…I have to hand it to Walker, at least he's not a fraidy cat who turns off the comments.

    1. poncho_pilot

      "chunk-o-wood" is exactly what Walker is trying to give state employees in WI. with no Murphy's Oil, either.

  10. Gopherit

    Let's see. His examples are a cop, a clerk who gives out hunting permits, and a gladhanding asshole from the Wisconsin Commerce Department. Way to mend, fences, there, Walker. We know the teachers are commie leeches…..so is anyone who works with kids or the poor. BOOTSTRAPS.

    This is the worst porno ever. I don't know how he can keep talking with all of that Koch in his mouth.

  11. JackDempsey1

    Hey Badgers. Please—–
    Do not nominate anyone whose job involves
    1. loungewear
    2. a significant amount of time out of Jackboots

  12. edgydrifter

    Pol Pot was also very eager to recognize good teachers and civil servants.

  13. SayItWithWookies

    I think Wisconsin's state employees would agree that Scott's done enough for them already.

  14. PuckStopsHere

    I'd like to nominate all of 'em at badgerbadgerbadger.com. (Except for the snake, of course).

  15. SmutBoffin

    The fact that Walker left comments enabled is pretty hilarious. He really feeds off of everyone's dislike, doesn't he?

  16. neiltheblaze

    Once they've collected the submissions, there's going to be a raffle. The winner gets the complete works of Ayn Rand, bound in human skin.

    1. SmutBoffin

      The post-award-ceremony reception will feature cocktails made FROM THE BLOOD AND SWEAT OF WORKERS.

      And mini corn dogs.

  17. SorosBot

    I think I'll fill some of these out, and nominate such state employees as Richard Head, Hugh Jass and Mike Hunt.

    1. elviouslyqueer

      Don't forget Sofonda Kochs, Bagger Bigdix, Hugh Janus, Iona Hotkoch, Anita Bleauxjawb, and Rink Lee Dix.

  18. JoshuaNorton

    I nominate the person that gives him that dipshit Gumby haircut. There must be a reason he thinks it looks cool to have one side of his head bulge out further than the other, but it completely escapes me.

    1. elviouslyqueer

      Oh please, I recognize that 'do. It's the "mussed up after being pushed face-first into David Koch's crotch."

    2. Rotundo_

      His whole head is distorted, no doubt from one hell of a rough birth. He must have been Moms' first, and she did *not* have childbearing hips or the pelvic girdle that makes them. Everyone has a small amount of asymmetry to their face, Scooter just has a few dozen people's worth of asymmetry.

  19. RadioGroundZero

    C'mon guys, this is Middle Management 101: Fluff 'em before you fuck'em.
    Next week: Metrics.

    1. memzilla

      Followed by Performance Improvement Plans, a/k/a Documentation Required to Deny Severance Pay to Your Downsized Employees.

    2. HuddledMass

      Uh-oh. There has been a recent outbreak, a rash, if you will, of Metrics at my workplace.

      Now I'm scared.

      1. RadioGroundZero

        Oh my HuddledMass, yearn to be free. I'm still bleeding from the metrics knife. Someday, I would like to tell the whole story, but the end result is my contempt for management theories du juor.

  20. SudsMcKenzie

    I'm eating Mexican tonight, and I will celebrate Scott Walker Appreciation day tomorrow with my morning dump.

    1. OneDollarJuana

      If I'm lucky I'm eating out a Mexican tonight, too. Oops, I see what you meant.

  21. elviouslyqueer

    As much as I hate to say it, there is some serious gayface going on in Walker's vid. See Scott, we told you kochsucking has consequences!

    1. SmutBoffin

      Hmmmm, I guess I can see it. The haircut, however, screams "ponderous hetero".

      1. Dudleydidwrong

        If you gotta believe in god/gods, that's an argument that I hope will at least cause a few wingnut legislators to think…Is that asking for too much? Alas, yes. But the guy tried. He doesn't make up for the squint-eyed pratt, however, as the pratt happens to be governor who rides around in a Koch pocket.

  22. memzilla

    Would you like Arbeit Macht Freis with that order of lightly salted poison rat dicks*, Governor?

    *(leicht gesalzen Rattengift Schwänze)

    1. Limeylizzie

      Uh..oh…I am aroused and you may be a woman,if so, could we play "Ilsa -She-Wolf of the SS"? If a man, we can just do the regular plucky British spy encounters evil, but handsome SS man while she is en route to the Jewish partisans in the forest.

      1. memzilla

        Option B, plz. And it wouldn't surprise me if three of Walker's advisers were named Ritterkreuz, Giftgas, and Totenkopf.

    2. tessiee

      Do you guys have the Schvan's Ice Cream truck where you live? They have a picture of a swan on the side, but it still makes me snicker.

  23. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Walker: Ah hello everyone. Achtung. My name is Scott. Walker, and I'm the Governor of Wisconsin. [applause] Ah thank you, thank you. I'm happy to see that all of you.were affected by the Socialist Unions like I was. Now, we all know why we're here, and I believe we all what needs to be done.

    But, I think it's best we don't talk out loud about it until we have most of them on the trains heading to the camps. [the guests fall silent]

    Jack: Folks, I just wanna interrupt for a second and say how remarkable it is that this Governor brought us all together. The Tea Party is causing a revolution of progressivism, and we owe Scott Walker and the Koch Brothers our thanks.

    [the crowd voices its approval]

    Walker: [bows a few times] Thank you, thank you very much. Now, in order to do what we [his face turns ugly] all know needs to be done, we are first going to need more support. I think we should all go out and identify at least one government employee to be recognized, if you know what I mean.

    Yes, and then we can begin the cleansing, if you know what I mean.

  24. aguacatero

    "… Or maybe it was a helpful state environmental or public health official, who agreed to look the other way when you dumped industrial chemicals in the local stream, saving your small business thousands in disposal costs."

  25. user-of-owls

    Well of course he needs an Employee Recognition Day.

    "Walker, this is what a Worker looks like."

    *points to Walker's cunt*

    "And that, Worker, is where to aim your state-issued steel toed-boot."

  26. natl_indecency_cmdr

    excuse me. sorry about this. but every time i see an image of goober scooter up there i have to do something:

    fuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoulittlefuckingpieceofshitfuckinglittletoolfucker.

    that is all. thank you for your time.

    1. SmutBoffin

      Looks like we got another case of "Walker Tourettes", here. I prescribe a beer and a shot.

      1. natl_indecency_cmdr

        thanks! it helped.

        goddamn fuckin little fucker fuckin fuck fucker

        oh boy, this is a bad one. beer here!

        fuckin little weasel face fuckface shit kochfuck shiteatin fuck

  27. user-of-owls

    Another progressive reform:

    OLD: Worker and Parasite
    NEW: Worker is Parasite

  28. DahBoner

    You know it's going to be one mean awards ceremony, when they strip you naked and rip out your gold fillings on the way into the "meeting"…

  29. baconzgood

    Give us the link for the personal contact information. This is a good way to snark on Scott.

  30. BZ1

    Here's the scenario, you run into a nice, well-meaning government employee and you interrogate him/her to get this information, making sure that you fill in the “why does this person deserve to be recognized as an outstanding state employee” in the tiny little box…

  31. sportshort

    Waaah! Everybody leave Scott Walker alooooooooooooooone! Waah!

    Oh wait.

    That's Brittney. Leave Brittney alone.

    Screw Scott Walker with a virus infested devil's club. Sorry.

  32. DaRooster

    "Why does this person deserve to be recognized…"

    Cause they are stuck in a STATE job in YOUR state… fairly simple to fill out that part

  33. HogeyeGrex

    Yes, it's very important to recognize them. Otherwise the bus they're being thrown under might bend an axle by going too fast.

    I suggest painting them with broad yellow stripes.

  34. Nopantsmcgee

    If the comments on the youtubepage are any indication at all, Scott Walker is going to recalled from the entire Human Species.

  35. KeepFnThatChicken

    Mr. Walker:

    Your necktie is shaped like my taint. Please lick it.

    Regards,
    Everyone

  36. genxr

    Nobody deserves this award more than Scott Walker. I'll ask Anonymous to get right on that.

    1. Dudleydidwrong

      As of this post the score: 20 Like 894 Dislike. I can't believe that there are twenty people in Wisconsin who like that dungbreath. Oh, wait. The whole Koch Klan must have had their computers running Scotthole's video and followed their leader's order to "Like or else!"

  37. fuflans

    rick scott. scott walker. what's up with these union bashing koch tools being partly named 'scott'?

    i had a cousin named scott and he was very nice.

  38. mavenmaven

    Scott Walker announced that Pavlik Morozov was in charge of handling these Worker's reports.

  39. lochnessmonster

    If that is a fill-in PDF form they only left enough space to put about three letters in each box. No one will ever know who was nominated because you won't be able to read it.

    BTW why would I know how long someone worked as a public worker or their address unless I know them personally? Or, are WI workers required to post all their personal information so the general public has access?

  40. anniegetyerfun

    Oh, that's his tie! For a second there, I thought Walker was going to shove a corn cob up his ass on camera.

  41. mourningnmerica

    I don't really have any thing new to add. I just wanted to join my voice in with the rest of us who want Governor Walker to choke to death on his own vomit.

      1. HuddledMass

        That's the spirit. Let us not be rigid in our views re: Scott-Walker-vomit-choking.

    1. user-of-owls

      And we'll jolly well give old Johnny Union Busting Goons a good drubbing, I daresay!*

      *with apologies to Doktor Zoom.

  42. tessiee

    You guys, this is a true story, but you have to promise NOT to tell Scott Walker, OK?
    OK.
    As you probably all know, the South has been notoriously labor-unfriendly since Civil War days. When I worked for the State of North Carolina, State employees were expressly forbidden to join or form any kind of union. Since I lived in a college town, there was a constant influx of competition for jobs (faculty spouses, work-study students, etc.) and really, nowhere else to work but the textile mills, so as a result, they paid us crap (some full-time employees actually made BELOW the poverty level), and treated us about half a step above slave labor, "plenty more where that one came from".

    One day, rumor went around that they were going to have some kind of "employee recognition". As the day grew closer, we speculated on what it could be: Money? Benefits? Something unsuspected?

    It was something unsuspected, all right (I hope you guys are all sitting down for this, btw): Each of us got a small, deli-type plastic tupperware thing containing about 4 oz. of pasta salad. Just a regular old pasta salad from the employee cafeteria.

    For months after that, when somebody in my office did something trivial, but good, e.g., get the balled-up piece of paper into the wastebasket on the first throw, we'd applaud sarcastically and say, "Give that man a pasta salad!"

    Good times, good times.

  43. tessiee

    But who got the Scott Walker Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence?

  44. GodShammgod

    I hope Scott Walker gets every possible type of cancer imaginable. And somehow lives for 50 more years.

  45. Negropolis

    **black guy talking during the movie at a theater**

    Don't go in their, yo. It's a TARP!

  46. HuddledMass

    As of right now Walker's YouTube has 20 likes and 1,008 dislikes. The internet has spoken.

  47. WilliamHTaft

    It doesn't matter how increasingly evil he gets, motherfucker always looks just as dumb as the last time I saw him.

    There's a special place in Hell for people who devote their lives to taking away the rights of others. Jk, Hell isn't real. Damn.

  48. ttommyunger

    How does a wall-eyed little weasel like this get elected to anyfuckingthing? Dubya I can almost understand, what with the diabolically brilliant demons behind him and the Millions in cash; but Governor of Minnesota? I cannot grasp it. Are people that stupid? I hate myself for asking that.

    1. Nopantsmcgee

      How? Because Pouty-pants Democrats and Libruls sat out the election to teach Obama and the Dems a lesson.

      Wonder how that 'lesson' is working out for them?

      1. GOPCrusher

        Well, one would hope that the lesson of the time period of 2001-2006 would have been enough for them, but obviously not.
        Perhaps now, they will have learned that if you act all pissy because you don't get you wish granted, things can be much worse.

      2. ttommyunger

        Man, that is so fucking stupid even I couldn't imagine that, and I can imagine Unicorns, the tooth fairy and honest politicians.

      1. ttommyunger

        But, but, Jesse admitted being an idiot. This assclown tries to come off as a normal person.

      1. ttommyunger

        I wasn't too bright when I was a young man and now at 70 I'm almost completely fucked in the head. Thanks for the quibble, I need all the help I can get.

    2. zhubajie

      As I recall, the vote was split 4-5 ways. What I want to know is, how come he hasn't been recalled yet?

      1. ttommyunger

        There may be some law requiring a two-year grace period or some such. I hope it will be forthcoming. I think we're seeing a novel strategy here of putting up straw man candidates a la Alvin Green just to fragment voter support.

Comments are closed.