extra cheese

Republican Voters Apparently Really, Really Like Herman Cain

You find this funny, Reagan portrait? Yeah, it's pretty funny.Before we turned off the teevee after that terrible debate last night, the Republican Party’s appointed Divider, Frank Luntz, was doing what he always does, standing in front of the whitest people he could find in a few hours, asking them questions to find out how best to make people like this think their political opponents aren’t human beings, much less American. But before he could get into that, he had to allow this restless group of people to express their sudden yet profound commitment to do whatever Herman Cain, the next president of the United States, says. He didn’t just win the debate. He mopped the floor with them all. And it makes absolutely no sense.

We watched this debate too. Herman Cain didn’t say anything special. He sounded like pretty much any other Republican, though his grasp of the issues was a little weak at times. But that’s to be expected. The man’s title on the chyron was “FORMER CEO OF GODFATHER’S PIZZA.”

So what does this all mean? Americans love pizza, obviously, and would love to elect it president. Unfortunately, as much as everyone loves the Constitution, it says pizza is not eligible for the office. So Americans will just have to settle for electing pizza’s friend, Herman Cain.

Related video

Also: this was a sample of white South Carolina Republicans. Do they think showing enthusiasm for the token black guy after the first, pointless debate will make up for all the things their state has done to black people over the years? Probably. [YouTube]

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About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef

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299 comments

  1. ablington

    What. The. Fuck. Does. T-PAW. Have. To. Do. TO GET YOU MOFOS TO NOTICE HOW AWESOME HE IS???

    1. poncho_pilot

      "Who. The. Fuck. Does. T-PAW. Have. To. Blow. TO GET YOU MOFOS TO NOTICE HOW AWESOME HE IS???"

      fixed. the answer is all of them. but it still wouldn't help.

    2. riverside68

      photo evidence of his fully erect awesomeness or GTFO. (Preferably in a mirror with his face and taken by him.)

      Okay maybe a sex tape with a person, place or thing of his choice, also.

      How about a drag duet with 9/11 Rudy?

    3. Eve8Apples

      Have a three way with Palin and Bachmann, record a video and put it on the intertubez. Oh, and send everyone a pizza to enjoy while watching his video.

    4. billy_reuben

      Commit seppuku?
      Dowse himself with gasoline and light himself on fire?
      Win a one-man rat poison eating contest?

        1. Preferred Customer

          I suspect he makes scents. I know with an overwhelming moral certitude that I never want to get close enough to find out.

  2. SorosBot

    "Former CEO" should be an immediate disqualification for any political office, whatever comes after that.

    1. Chillwaver

      "I guess 'Former CEO' is sort of like a 'Former Community Organizer,' except that you have actual responsibilities."

      EDIT: NEGATIVE PEE's? WTF??? Please tell me that we have a downfisting troll meteor shower and not fellow Wonkeratti not picking up on the snark!

      1. Sparky_McGruff

        Serious responsibilities. After all, a "Community Organizer" can't purchase a company with massive amounts of junk bonds, then offshore manufacturing, drain the cash reserves to give the board members a huge bonus, and raid the pension fund to finance their blow habit.

        1. HELisforHEL

          And have nothing but yes-men at their beck & call. And pack management jobs with their relatives. And destroy a company then leave on a golden pillowy parachute of millions, despite their obvious incompetence.
          And get a job doing it all again somewhere else.

          Yeah, this orgasmic deification of Business Professionals is fuckin' laughable.

    2. Beck_is_Trig

      I was just thinking that…you know, if someone had the job title as "former comintern" chief they'd probably be d'qued from office because ya know…communism and stuff. It's the same line of thinking with a CEO…they run their companies like fucking DICTATORSHIPS; in fact, that's the preferred management style. So personally, I think coming from that world to democracy is…not desireable for Democracy. At all.

  3. politics_nerd

    actual pizza would give the rest of the 'pub field a good run for their money. Schwarzenegger too. Well, I can dream cant I?!

    1. Beck_is_Trig

      Oh come on, I've seen every one of these repubs in action…pizza would destroy them, especially amongst teabaggers. Imagine how much attention T-Paw's latest enormous flip-flop would get at a debate while thousands of obese white people stared at a slice with bacon and pig intestine on top? I don't think it would carry the presidency because Barry would crush it with his giant balls or Newt Gingrich, it's running mate would get hungry and eat it. But pizza would definitely replace Reagan on the teabagger pantheon.

    1. JustPixelz

      At one point he was advocating the so-called FAIR tax — a national sales tax, with a pre-bate for "necessities". He said tax would be 23%, but there's some voodoo math involved in that.

      Anyway, a 23% tax on pizza? Kinda makes you think about where and how spending patterns would change. Especially for people who lose their mortgage and property tax deductions!

      1. Sparky_McGruff

        'a national sales tax, with a pre-bate for "necessities"' —

        I dunno… That sounds pretty damn socialist to me.

    2. 102415

      "Did they remember to tip the pizza delivery man? "
      For what???!!!!! Every lazy pos looking for a handout!!!!! Get a job.

  4. Badonkadonkette

    Do they think showing enthusiasm for the token black guy after the first, pointless debate will make up for all the things their state has done to black people over the years?

    In fairness to South Carolina Republicans – and Republicans everywhere – Herman Cain is actually a bigot who said he would absolutely discriminate against people on the basis of religion and not appoint Muslims to his Cabinet, because they "might support Sharia law." So in their minds, his bigoted paranoia probably makes up for him being black.

    1. Arken

      Don't be silly. Nothing makes up for being black. Herman Cain… Mark of Cain… coincidence?

      1. Nothingisamiss

        Many thumbs up for the mark of Cain reference, my friend!!!

        And, also, too….nothing makes up for the fact that he's black. That's ridiculous.

    2. Ruhe

      Or it could be that even though they don't want another black president they assume that as the anti-Obama if Cain were elected he and Obama would both disappear in some sort of matter-anti-matter explosion thus leaving the rich white guy they put in as VP free to take over.

      1. RadioGroundZero

        some sort of matter-anti-matter explosion
        It's the new black…on black crime.

      2. Beck_is_Trig

        The problem is you're ascribing too much intellect to your average Republican voter. Those Southern shitbags won't elect Cain because then who can they expect to carry their bags at the next CCC/KKK mixer? These asswipes are as racist now as ever before, this whole thing is just some contrivance to try and pretend otherwise. How much do you want to bet that at least several wingnut radio-turds were offering up this as evidence against the NAACP's declarations, or anyone who's said the anti-Obama stuff has a racist tinge?

    3. Naked_Bunny

      Yeah, I've seen a few right-wing cheerleaders crowing that Republican support for the most openly racist of these loons means they're not racist, because he's black. Huh?

      1. mumbly_joe

        But… but… but it's not racism if you single out the same group, but use some other other, overlapping, category to talk about them!

        That's why the "immigration debate" isn't motivated by racism, even though all the people agitating over it happen to still spend all their time complaining about how "immigrants" talk in Spanish too much and smell bad and do Mexican things. "Immigrant" isn't a race! And there's no conievable racial or ethnic group we could be singling out there!

        "Islam" isn't a race! And so when we call an entire people who hail from a particular part of the globe inbred, innately violent, monkeys, it's not racist, because I said "muslim" instead of "aye-rab"!

        Black might be a race, but "very very urban" isn't! So… etc.

        1. Chet Kincaid

          This is an example of the over- and mis-use of the word "racism." Bigotry, prejudice, and discrimination are not predicated solely or only on "race", but they are just as disgusting, illegal and immoral. Now that we have made "racism" the only bad "ism," assholes think they can skate if they shift their intolerance over a little bit.

          1. mumbly_joe

            Well, sure. And there's plenty of times where the appropriate response is, "well, no, it doesn't make you a racist, but yer definitely still a full-on bigot!". But I was actually pointing specifically to racist speech that is definitely racialist in nature, but attempts to deflect the accusation by talking about race by proxy. When someone calls muslims a bunch of inbred monkeys with inborn personality defects, they are making a racialist claim, not merely a bigoted one.

            And that's without even getting into the "immigration" issue- "immigrant isn't a race," my ass- you sure as hell aren't talking about the lily-white canadians when you bitch and moan about 'border security'. To say nothing of the fact that tons of "immigration reform" groups attracts white supremacists like flies to rotting meat.

          2. Beck_is_Trig

            Absolutely…you can add classist to that description as well. Republicans and conservatives at the end of the day are social darwinists of the highest order with all the ugly racial antipathy, religious bigotry, homophobia, sexism and classism that characterizes the philosophy. The fact is, Herman Cain openly embraces one of those categories and Allen West another. This makes them willing particpants which so long as they know their place (and you know they do) means wingnuts can embrace them as "one of the good ones". Any person of color who doesn't ascribe to their social darwinism in all its ugliness, gets the open racism; that's the difference.

        2. GOPCrusher

          And I've heard several of these same people claim that it shouldn't be considered a hate crime to beat a Muslim to death, because Islam is a philosophy and not a religion.

          1. OneDollarJuana

            So it wouldn't be a hate crime to beat a Republican to death? Just asking.

          2. Beck_is_Trig

            By that definition…then no. Just make sure when it happens…you pick a ripe fat one, and you don't say anything about jebus or the bibbles.

    1. poncho_pilot

      if "America" was only comprised of the space inside that room and it's walls, they still wouldn't be the most important 29 people in America.

    2. elviouslyqueer

      Judging from all those pasty complexions, Luntz obviously meant to say "29 doughiest pantloads" in America.

  5. Schmannnity

    Former Godfather, instead of former Godfather's Pizza CEO for President. Then maybe these Republicans can ACT LIKE A MAN!

    1. tessiee

      "How is it that you spent so much time with me and turned out no better than this??"

  6. dyedwool

    "Godfather's"? "Pizza"? Sounds Italian. Needs moar long-form birf certificate!

    This is good news for John McCain. Also.

  7. OneDollarJuana

    My question is: if you eat a lot of Thai garlic chili spice, should it make your penis burn? Or should I be worried?

    1. BarryOPotter

      Dude, never eat a Spice girl, specially the Thai one called "Garlic Chili." Delicious at first, but as you now know, mo problems down the road.

      1. Ducksworthy

        Ha Ha You were actually downfisted to a -1 at about 1:40 CDT. Obviously downfisters love eating Spice girls. Even the extra creamy ones.

        1. BarryOPotter

          Thanks, D! Looks like the DF patrol is scooting round the premises. I blame Our Man Riley – a spurned Andy Brightfart has loosed his Cheeto-stained mounds of rawr (he's unable to find any hounds of war) upon the Wonkette commentariat because Wags refuses to butt-hurt him…

          1. Beck_is_Trig

            Brightfart? Is that what happens when you light a match next to a Beerfart? If so, then our nicknames for that chode have synergy.

    2. GOPCrusher

      Why were you using your penis to serve? Use a spoon or a fork like a human being!

    1. SenileAgitation

      They can go further: We've got a REAL black guy, dark, not some half 'n halfer who never even worked for corporate America (making delicious pizza, no less).
      PS. You say further, I say farther, let's call the whole thing… never mind.

      1. OneDollarJuana

        Herman Cain was born in Georgia. Wasn't Georgia in the USSR? Clearly NOT natural-born, thus not eligible, and obviously a commie. Show us the birf certificate!

        1. tessiee

          You're confused. There are two Georgias: One is a totalitarian backwater, and the other one is in Russia.

  8. WhatTheHolyHeck

    The AOLies are out in force on Huffpo, punching the wee liberals on the shoulder, prancing about, slurring, "You gonna call us racists now, motherfuckers?"

    Except they have to spell it "M0thrfc3rz" to get it past the mods.

    It's adorable. I wish I could give them all gold star stickers.

    1. DashboardBuddha

      Ahh…huffpo goderators. I used to call people a "crazy, unintelligible, nattering tool", and they would make it through…until the goderators learned how to string letters together.

      1. WhatTheHolyHeck

        Somehow I ended up being one of those goderators. Apparently you can achieve those lofty heights by sending in box tops or correctly identifying 20 random racists posting shite or decoding Annie's secret Ovaltine message or something.

        Frankly, I would have preferred the leg lamp.

    2. HELisforHEL

      NOTE TO REPUGTARDS: Our black guy is intelligent, nuanced and adult. None of your guys & gals-black, white, yellow, brown, purple, etc. share those ANY of those qualities.

  9. _DA

    Herman Cain was inspired to run by Steve Forbes' two massively successful terms as President.

    1. V572..whatever

      Don't forget Herbert Hoover, another Republican businessman who became a legendary president. Wanna buy an apple?

    2. Rosie_Scenario

      And Dubya, also. Too. He of the Harvard MBA. Let's run American like a business. Right into the ground.

      1. GOPCrusher

        Wasn't the fact that the Rangers traded away Sammy Sosa, enough of a warning signal about this man's decision making skills?

  10. Sophist [غني عن ذلك]

    He must have made them an offer they couldn't refuse (i.e. sex in a public restroom at the truckstop).

  11. Lascauxcaveman

    Damn! Hell-to-the-yes on pizza. I'm starving. Why'd they always have to put these debates on at dinner time?

    1. PubOption

      Knowing Wonkette's usual vocabulary, I at first misread 'debates' as 'diabetes'.

    1. SorosBot

      Since it's kind of buried at the end of an old thread, I'll copy what I noticed there:

      He's been working overtime today; he must be taking a break from making his claims on Breitbart that everyone should stop blaming white people for slavery because it's really the fault of black people and Muslims. Here is our downfister making what has got to be one of the most racist comments I have ever seen:
      http://biggovernment.com/jlpeterson/2011/05/05/ob

        1. SorosBot

          It worked fine for me – only now it's changed to "this comment has been deleted by the user". Heh. It was basically a big rant claiming that black people should stop blaming white people for slavery, since it was other black Africans who captured the ancestors of the slaves and sold them to white people, and the Muslims brought back slaves first and so it's more their fault than white Europeans.

          1. Fare la Volpe

            I caught that before he shame deleted it. Remember, white people, it was the blacks' idea to sell themselves into slavery. The white men just happened to be there and were all like "Oh, you don't want DeShawn here? We'll take him, no biggie."

          2. OneDollarJuana

            Kinda like the Messican gummint complaining about all the durn drugs and all that we buy. Hell, it's Messicans that's growin' and shippin' all them drugs to us, and cuttin' off other Messican heads 'n' such. It ain't our fault, we're just innocent customers.

      1. a_pink_poodle

        "Oh and free ponies for everyone because my sister keeps bugging me about it."

        1. Ducksworthy

          I think you mean a Pee in every pot. And BTW? yours was empty when I found it.

    1. GOPCrusher

      Last black man I voted for, promised me a unicorn. And I still haven't seen it yet. I want my pizza up front this time.

  12. genxr

    He promised to deliver your economic recovery in 30 minutes or it's free!

    All I heard during the debate last night was "legalize it" and "pizza" but that's probably just me.

    1. Naked_Bunny

      That was Domino's.

      Which was also run by a right-winger, come to think of it.

  13. Sophist [غني عن ذلك]

    And just like that, all your work is undone, Dr. Troll. Again we see there is nothing you can possess which I cannot take away.

    1. JustPixelz

      Is that the same as Godfather's pizza? I just know Papa John sez "better ingredients make better pizza". And I saw the ingredients on that stage last night, and those five ain't makin' better pizza.

    2. Swampgas_Man

      When it comes to pizza, BUY LOCAL, MOFOS! I've got a guy right off the boat from Sicily in my town, makes a damn good cheesesteak too, and I'm not even in Philly!

  14. hagajim

    Frank Luntz…rhymes with Cuntz…which is pretty much what every dweeb at the debate is.

  15. tiredalways

    Boy oh boy~ be prepared for not only Herman Cain's long form birth certificate controversy but also the recipe of each and every pizza made during his CEO-ship. Hey, we have to make sure there were no Muslim-socialist-Kenyan pepperoni used there.

    1. Swampgas_Man

      Putting them in a steel cage is a good start. Just don't put a door on the damn thing or they'll get out.

  16. bureaucrap

    The New GOP: "OK Mr. Steele/Mr. Cain, we let you on camera for a few months. Your work here is done. Buh-bye."

  17. BZ1

    Cain: "I'm gonna make him (Barrack) an offer he can't refuse," presumably a large, three-topping pizza…

  18. edgydrifter

    Does Godfather's even exist anymore? I remember their heyday in the '80s, when they were in every strip mall and their super shitty commercials were in heavy rotation on MTV. Now? If there are any within twenty miles of me, I couldn't tell you, and if I did know of one I sure as hell wouldn't go there for pizza. Heckuva job, Cainy.
    Southern accent, socially conservative, ruined his company, knows almost nothing about foreign policy… say, who does this sound exactly like? I'll bet his middle name is Walker, too.

    1. poncho_pilot

      Godfather's Pizza is where i first played Centipede back in 1984. but that, unfortunately, has nothing to do with Herman Cain.

    2. SorosBot

      I've never heard of Godfather's until this guy entered the Presidential race; never seen a commercial or anything. Maybe they were/are just one of those regional places.

    3. Lascauxcaveman

      We had one in my town for about 5 years. It was on the main drag, so it should have been successful, as the only chain-store pizza place in town.

      My daughter's soccer team had its end-of-the-season awards party there once. Man, it sucked. I was really surprised how bad it was. About the same as Dominos, only more expensive, and not delivered to your door.

    4. emmelemm

      Used to be a number of Godfather's here in Seattle, in, yeah, the 80s. My Godfather's story is that I went there once in high school, left my retainer in a napkin on the table, then had to go back and dive into their garbage cans to find it.

    5. BerkeleyBear

      I thought they were dead and buried, then I moved to Springfield, Illinois. Until a year ago, it had two – but the one on the north side is now closed. I had no interest in going, but a friend suggested it after a high school basketball tournament(yes, this town sucks hard enough that the 4 team city tournament is a highlight of the social calendar) . Terrible food, terrible service, no good beer and too expensive. Heck, I'd put Chuck E Cheese ahead of it on both taste and value.

      1. GOPCrusher

        I like Godfather's Pizza. Like any franchise, I think it depends on the quality of the people that work there.
        But it doesn't have Skee-Ball.

        1. Swampgas_Man

          After Schlotsky's (not a pizza place, a sub place w/ GREAT bread) broke my heart by moving away, I stay away from all the chains.

  19. mulletpatriot

    Hell, throw in a side order of crazy bread and some dippin' sauce and I'll vote for him.

  20. ifthethunderdontgetya

    Lest anyone forget this bit of South Carolina Republican History:

    Rove invented a uniquely injurious fiction for his operatives to circulate via a phony poll. Voters were asked, “Would you be more or less likely to vote for John McCain…if you knew he had fathered an illegitimate black child?” This was no random slur. McCain was at the time campaigning with his dark-skinned daughter, Bridget, adopted from Bangladesh.

    It worked. Owing largely to the Rove-orchestrated whispering campaign, Bush prevailed in South Carolina and secured the Republican nomination.
    ~

    1. JustPixelz

      Too bad he didn't ask: Would you be more or less likely to vote for George W Bush if you knew he would sit frozen in a schoolroom while Americans were dying in a terrorist attack and other Americans were fighting for their lives on airplanes?

    2. genxr

      They were doing legitimate market research. They were trying to decide if they should have McCain father an illegitimate black child, so they ran the idea in front of a few focus groups. In the end, they decided against it.

    3. Rosie_Scenario

      But, what about the photo of John McCain embracing Dubya and campaigning for him in 2004. Seems awfully hypocritical on both their parts. Yeah, that's about right.

    4. tessiee

      Rove really was a bag of rancid slime.
      I get great satisfaction out of knowing that he now spends his days blowing the other convicts for cigarettes.

  21. Fare la Volpe

    CLASS PRESIDENT DEBATE
    DEBBIE vs. MILK

    "Um, Principal, my name is spelled 'Milo.'"
    "Trust me, Milk will get more votes."

    Moral: Americans will vote for anything with dairy.

  22. poncho_pilot

    again, that dickhead with the bow tie. Paultard? only a Paultard wouldn't love Herman Cain.

  23. V572..whatever

    How many hours did Luntz rehearse that audience to get them to spew their talking points so quickly? You know the average person would begin, "Uh, Jeb Tatum here, I'd like to make a comment…"

    And, uh, I'd like to make a comment. Frank Luntz is an evil genius who turned normal Americans' healthy contempt for inherited wealth into a lust for it, even among those who have no hope of ever inheriting it or leaving it behind, by the simple expedient of calling it "the death tax."

    1. JustPixelz

      Inheritance Tax was a Republican idea! OK, it was under Theodore Roosevelt, so things have changed. They feared an American aristocracy. And they believed — as a matter of principle — that everyone* should succeed by dint of their own efforts. HA HA. That's so quaint.
      ___________________
      * white men

    2. OneDollarJuana

      Too bad for most people, especially in Texas, all they're likely to inherit is a Coke can full of tobacco spit.

  24. baconzgood

    ……But Herman Cain's a nigger?……

    (I'm snarking….I have black friends…..PLEASE DON'T BEAT ME UP)

    1. V572..whatever

      But are they some of your BEST FRIENDS? You probably deserve a beatdown just for not deploying a cliché correctly.

      1. baconzgood

        Actually my best friend is 1/2 black and 1/2 jewish (no joke). And you think I can snark……That dude's the funniest guy I ever met. And I met Joel Hodgson once.

  25. SorosBot

    In the wingnut's case, it's not guilt; they just don't want non-wingnuts to know that they're racists. Psst, you're not fooling anybody.

  26. Mumbletypeg

    Americans love pizza, obviously, and would love to elect it president.

    Despite my repeated admonishments, Facebook still won't acknowledge that I'm in a relationship with pizza. Sad times.

  27. Hatrabbit

    "Unfortunately, as much as everyone loves the Constitution, it says pizza is not eligible for the office."

    Hey, if a pizza's 35 years old and was made in the United States, I think we can do this.

    1. emmelemm

      I don't think it explicitly says that pizza CANNOT be President. Therefore…

  28. Preferred Customer

    I am looking forward to the "Cain Is Able" bumperstickers. If the campaign doesn't make them, I will.

    1. nappyduggs

      Or, if they try to get hip, "Pimp Cain." Heyyyyyy, that works on a few levels!

        1. DustBowlBlues

          OMG It's the wonkette punsters. Why isn't wonkette in the syllabus of all English professors, just for the puns. Their big with Engish profs, right? And probably historians.

    2. Dudleydidwrong

      Raising Cain to a new level

      If I'm elected we'll all be workin' in the Cain fields

      God, I'm exhausted…

  29. elviouslyqueer

    Hey, you know what else white South Carolinians thought was a good idea?

    1. GOPCrusher

      Driving down a gravel road at night with the headlights off, and telling the passenger "Hold my beer and watch this!"?

  30. poncho_pilot

    i blew every Republican voter in America and all i got was this stupid t-shirt.

  31. littlebigdaddy

    As an ex-pat living in Europe (don't hate me), I think American pizza is an abomination worthy of Leviticus. It makes perfect sense that something so inane and unhealthy would find its home in the Republican party.

    1. tessiee

      When you get to Heaven, you'll hear the people on the cloud next to yours complaining in thick New York accents, "The pizza here isn't as good".

  32. BarackMyWorld

    …his grasp of the issues was a little weak at times…

    What are you trying to say, Jack?

  33. fartknocker

    Cain scared me. When he was asked about immigration policies, he said that it was a "…states right issue." Really Herm? I guess he missed the 14th Amendment when he was writing his pizza dough recipe.

  34. BornInATrailer

    Why was there a Teddy portrait in that room? I thought the GOP had demonized Teddy like 6-12 months ago?

    1. Angry_Marmot

      Teddy himself left the party when he went Bull Moose Progressive against Taft in 1912. Split the GOP vote and Wilson won the election. I'm not sure they even let Teddy back into the pantheon until the 1980s and that whole Reagan/Teddy looks-good-on-a-horse thing. Don't blame me, I voted for Debs.

  35. metamarcisf

    Merely by staying away from deadly topics like heroin and creation science, Cain showed the kind of restraint that we're looking for here in the Dept. of Public Works.

  36. nappyduggs

    But let us not neglect to address the real issue here:
    How does Hermie-baby look in burlap, a pair of 2-sizes-too-big Brogans, and a tattered straw hat, 'cuz that's what they make you wear to the South Carolina victory rally, when you're a blackie.

    1. anniegetyerfun

      WhUH? I worked literally a block from there, and the address was Renton.

    2. Gunner Asch

      But Tukwila is a funnier name, and that's the way I originally saw the joke.

      1. OneDollarJuana

        Tukwila/Renton/Kent/Auburn/Puyallup. Whatever. All South of I-90, all hicksville. Might as well live in White Center.

  37. philpjfry

    Wow, a black president this year and two black presidential candidates next year. What is this country coming to? I can picture half of the south on buses to Mexico or Canada or Europe to get away. Selling bus tickets to Europe. I found a job!

    1. OneDollarJuana

      Sort of a reverse "freedom ride", with all the whites trying to get free of the blacks.

  38. Wadisay

    He sounded like pretty much any other Republican, though his grasp of the issues was a little weak at times.

    Mystery of Cain's appeal: case closed.

  39. MinAgain

    Well, southerners do like their food greasy, and Godfather's pizza certainly delivers on that front.

  40. teebob2000

    >> it says pizza is not eligible for the office

    Is that because it's not a natural-born American dish?

    Chop Suey 2012!!!!!!1

  41. owhatever

    And so begins the long hot summer, with the first shot once again fired in South Carolina. Fox makes its own news.

  42. anniegetyerfun

    Wait, he's black? I seriously have no idea who the guy is, and obviously haven't been watching the coverage.

  43. Limeylizzie

    "One word to descrbe Herman Cain"…well no-one screamed out "Nigra' so I suppose that wasn't as bad as it could have been.

  44. BerkeleyBear

    During and after the 2008 election there was a lot of discussion of how the Brady Factor (the overpolling/underperforming of minority candidates) was not real. I suspect the professed admiration of an all white crowd in SC for ol' Herm might test that received wisdom, seeing as how his actual supporters in SC could all fit in that room.

    1. HistoriCat

      Maybe it's CEO worship in action? Sure Cain is black but he was the CEO of a corporation! He's the only one there who has never been tainted by working for the evil government. And if St. Ronnie taught us anything, it's that government is always the problem.

      Well, that or they heard "Godfathers" and assumed he's the front man for the mob. Maybe they're all afraid they'll get whacked!

  45. BarryOPotter

    Because as Cain knows, the most important element of leadership is having someone lead. And it's important to have someone to lead as well, otherwise, how is that leadership, amirite?

  46. Limeylizzie

    Our beloved and racist downfister is around, I can smell him. "Good Afternoon Cuntface"

  47. Limeylizzie

    Lookie here, the downfister has cut and pasted a Wonketteer's use of the word 'Nigger" and put it on Breitfart for all to see and is encouraging them all to come and join in the fisting.

    7 minutes ago @ Breitbart.tv – Teenage Mob Swarms Veg… · 0 replies · +1 points
    For a typically racist comment from a Wonk Klux Klanner:

    1 hour ago @ Wonkette – Republican Voters Appa… · 4 replies · +9 points

    ……But Herman Cain's a n*gger?……

    (I'm snarking….I have black friends…..PLEASE DON'T BEAT ME UP)

    I apologize for the asterisk–the "Big" sites don't allow the blatant manifestations of racism the Wonkette does. To show your disapproval: http://www.wonkette.com/

    1. SorosBot

      Of course they ban it, because the guys who run the site know how many of their commentors would use it constantly and point out even more how racist the place is.

      And edit, because I don't see that on his profile now – he must have deleted it after reading your comment, like he did with the racist one I noted earlier. Hee. Maybe I should link to his most recent post, in which he is particularly and creepily obsessed with me again: http://tv.breitbart.com/msnbc-asserts-violent-rhe

      1. SorosBot

        And he has now deleted that one too; downfister must not like getting called out.

      2. BobSalem

        OK counselor…OK…. You racist, lying, lowlife pukes are beyond being a joke and are nothing more than the dried up shit that gets swept into the gutter and then flushed thru the sewer system! A sarcastic robot? More like a fucking idiot that is full of shit and insults….perhaps your really are an attorney. Hahaha

        Now is the time for your little fwiend Pessie to chime in with another one of her libpuke comments.

        1. HELisforHEL

          AHHAHHAHAHAHA
          Seriously, you're an idiot, Mr. Not Ashamed To Be An American.

          AH HA HA HA HA HA

    2. elviouslyqueer

      Well of course Brightfarters want to get on their high horse about this because, after all, they're the ones who never EVER say anything bad about anyone, amirite?

  48. SilverTsunami

    Pizza was born in Italy. I have seen the long form birth certificate. It cannot be President.

  49. elviouslyqueer

    But only after Memorial Day and never never EVER after Labor Day. Also.

  50. ttommyunger

    Well, us white folk do have a special place in our hearts for our House Niggers, don't we? (Smiles benevolently)

  51. carlgt1

    is this zeal for Cain some sort of teabagger racist blowback or guilt trip? I can't see anything appealing about him, his "policies" seem to the right of Bachmann. Or maybe that's the appeal to baggers?

  52. HELisforHEL

    Ha! "Chucky Diseases"…I always call it 'The Sticky Palace', but your moniker is perfect.

  53. HELisforHEL

    True that. No Greek. No chain. Those are not pizzas. They're some phyllo dough or cracker crap things topped with sugary sauce. Blech.

    Ahhh, Philly pie, I miss you.

  54. GinnehRED57

    I remember when "going to Tukwila" was the clever newspaper columnists euphemism for "having sex." This was some years ago, before Paris Hilton cootchie shots were invented

  55. SaintRond

    I watched it on my laptop with a bunch of Mexico City chilangos who'd never been to the US and whom I wanted to come away with a sense of what America was all about. That MC sack of shit in the dirty tennis shoes and the suit that looked like he'd bought it on the street in downtown DF talking to those people who looked like they all had hardened arteries had them in a state of confused disbelief. They knew they were looking at something ridiculous, but it was so foreign to their eyes that they couldn't tell exactly what kind of human beings they were looking at. And they were all in agreement that Sean Hannity looked like a human being who'd been through an ungodly medical experiment to graft the eyes of a door mouse onto his face.

    Anyway, this is a great way to curtail immigration of any sort to the US. Because I can assure you, none of the viewers at my place last night will ever let themselves even imagine stepping one foot across their northern border as long as they live.

  56. NadePaulKuciGravMcKi

    Herman Cain the Federal Reserve insider
    … pro war pro bailouts …

  57. PostApocalypse

    I actually want this guy to get the nod just so's there's two black dudes in the general. I want people to squirm and wonder if it's just gonna be black guys in charge from now on forever and how long before the "cuckold laws" start getting passed and we're forced to see the missus off via high speed rail to Atlanta, Detroit, DC, LA, Chocolate City, etc. each 4th Friday, for her mandated weekend "semenar."

    Yeah, let's get THAT rumor started.

    Call me a chicken counter, but Barry's gonna mop the floor next election anyway, and if this is the pub nominee, I'm guessing lots of cons will find something better to do on nov 4.

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