win one for the skoal rebel gipper

Texas, In Budget Crisis, Slashes Chewing Tobacco Taxes

Skoal Rebel's LawThe state of Texas is understandably not very good at balancing its budget when an economy like this comes along, because it doesn’t care for book-learnin’ things like accounting, and would much rather spend its time perfecting its shooting-a-gun-in-the-air-indiscriminately skills. Unfortunately, it will have to eventually, but Texans are busy shooting their guns in the air indiscriminately in celebration of recently lowering state taxes on loose-leaf tobacco, which makes their budget situation even worse. But on the other hand, YEE HAW, CHEWIN’ TOBACCY! When asked by the “only [legislator] to question the measure,” state Rep. Jason Isaac (R), if he would could live with the bill leading to more tobacco use in the state, bill sponsor Allan Ritter (R) responded, “I’m very happy with that.” Texas!

Isaac was “shocked” when the bill showed up on the floor.

“We just created an incentive for people to use cancer-causing products,” Isaac said after the bill was approved. “When we have the fiscal problems that we have, it’s wrong to be cutting taxes on products like chewing tobacco.”

Is this guy sure he’s a Republican? He just SUPPORTED a tax. He’s a freshman legislator. Somebody’s never getting elected again.

Ritter said in an earlier interview that “for all of us that chew tobacco, it’s a damn good thing.”

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It’s not clear from this quote if the “good thing” he’s talking about is the tax being cut or getting mouth cancer, but technically it’s both, right?

Texas is going to have to solve this shortfall sooner or later. It’s not clear if it’s possible to degrade services to the poor any more, so they may in fact have to raise taxes, as painful as that will be to pass. Maybe they can put a tax being gay? Sure, that would still be a tax, but it wouldn’t be levied on anyone Texas considers to be actual citizens. [Austin American Statesman via Wonkette operative "Leah"]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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191 comments

    1. WhatTheHolyHeck

      Don't forget the revisionist history books.

      And Chili's. They can fucking rot in hell for that goddamn place.

      1. Omophagist

        Unfortunately, we won't be able to call them mouth-breathers for much longer, and will instead have to call them hole-breathers from all the tracheotomies.

  1. SorosBot

    Once again, Texas proves that that all our stereotypes about that backwards state are entirely correct.

    While Arizona has claimed the mantle of the worst state today, in the long term Texas and South Carolina are the clear front-runners.

      1. SorosBot

        Did Oklahoma secede from two different countries so they could continue to own black people as slaves? Texas wins on that count alone.

        1. DahBoner

          "Texas is the only state to have the flags of 6 different nations fly over it. They are: Spain, France, Mexico, Republic of Texas, Confederate States, and the United States."

          Some might call Texans "fickle" and say they just can't make up their minds.

          I'd say that's a very generous statement to claim Texans have 'minds'…

        2. aguacatero

          That is a strong track record to be sure. But a state that can elect and reelect James Inhofe as Senator, and pass a state statute to ban sharia law, cannot be lightly dismissed. Oklahoma has an illustrious history, too, as a vast concentration camp for Native Americans. Texas without Austin.

    1. Not_So_Much

      Might not be a bad time to revisit culling the state herd. We got a couple that clearly need to be taken out behind the barn and put down.

    2. GeneralLerong

      You're totally forgetting Arkansas North, i.e., Alaska. Our gov just refused a gift of $600,000 for venereal disease prevention, despite Alaska's ranking at the top in STD infections.

      Syphilitic idiot church members and Repubelicants who run this state think abstinence works better than condoms.

      Personally, I think they should walk the walk and cut off their nuts.

      1. tessiee

        "refused a gift of $600,000 for venereal disease prevention, despite Alaska's ranking at the top in STD infections. "

        I suppose that's one way to thin the herd.

      2. zhubajie

        "
        Personally, I think they should walk the walk and cut off their nuts. "

        Government by eunuchs. It might be worth a try.

    3. tessiee

      "While Arizona has claimed the mantle of the worst state today, in the long term Texas and South Carolina are the clear front-runners."

      ALASKA LIBEL!!!

    1. horsedreamer_1

      He should take lessons from his Jewish Republican fellow in Utah, Jason Chafetz, on how to do obeisance.

    1. DahBoner

      Brangelina's new baby and Dr. Pepper?

      Which reminds me, why does Dr. Pepper cum in a bottle?

    2. Not_So_Much

      Inbred racists and inbred ignoranuses? Wait, that may be only one in most famblies…

  2. horsedreamer_1

    Gadzooks! A Glory-Hole surcharge. I do say: those libruls in Pelosi Country should implement this, too. California could pay for single-payer with the money that would come in.

  3. Mahousu

    Texas is going to have to solve this shortfall sooner or later.
    Not as long as there are still taxes to cut. The more you cut, the more you make, or so I've been told.

      1. genxr

        If only Texas were near a major shipping lane, independent businessmen could rake in the same kind of profits.

        1. BarryOPotter

          What's worse, it's taxation on the well-to-do! For shame, Somalia! For shame…

    1. tessiee

      They could always grind up the poor for fertilizer, or skin them for boots or something.

  4. Ducksworthy

    I hope they hurry up and abolish their crappy Medicaid system before the mouf' cancer victims arrive.

  5. memzilla

    Time Travelling Abe Lincoln says:

    "Dear Confederacy: On second thought, go ahead and secede. But any black people crossing the Ohio River get their freedom immediately and forever."

  6. CZL

    So Ritter basically wrote self-serving legislation and bragged about it?

    What. The. Fuck.

  7. horsedreamer_1

    How do we know Skoal Rebel isn't just Vincent D'Onofrio reliving his breakthru cinematic performance? VD is a method actor, after all….

    1. skoalrebel

      You just can't handle the truth, horse reamer! I'm a rebel, and I'll never be understood.

  8. aguacatero

    How about making up for the revenue shortfall with a tax even the looniest of wingers should be able to support: a 100% tax on Mark Cuban's annoyingness.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      You can't tax him, he's extremely wealthy! Think of all the jobs that will be lost!

    1. horsedreamer_1

      That would mean Louisiana sharing a border with Mexico, in which case, Diaperman's false claims about Charlie Melancon imploring Messicans to invade the Pelican State might come true. About the Mexicans invading, at least; not Melancon abetting it.

  9. Callyson

    The state of Texas is understandably not very good at balancing its budget when an economy like this comes along, because it doesn’t care for book-learnin’ things like accounting
    Bless you, Wonkette. I'm taking an accounting class for work, which is not the most intrinsically interesting subject, but when you put it like this I am suddenly enthralled. Back to numbers-crunching!

  10. Barb

    If the cut the tax on chewing tobacco, that covers one of the four basic food groups for Texans. What about the other three?

      1. Fare la Volpe

        And these aren't prissy East Coast bags of dicks, lightly sprinkled with a hint of sea salt. Oh no; these are bags of pork-fried, barbecue-slathered, parmesan-crusted onion dicks with a side of bacon. Really stick to your ribs.

  11. EatsBabyDingos

    New! Injectable Brain Skoal! Just put a pinch in the hollowpoint, and there you go!

  12. nounverb911

    Wait! They lowered the tax on tobacco to encourage tobacco use, increasing taxes paid for tobacco? Thereby lowering the stupid population of Texas?
    That sounds simply Darwinian to me.

  13. Hatrabbit

    Texas Budget balancing plan:

    Hand our ass to big Corporations. Check.

    More chewin' tobacco. Check.

    De-frost John Wayne. Working on it.

  14. nounverb911

    Won't lowering the tax on tobacco increase their Medicare costs?
    I guess logic doesn't apply here.

    1. Ducksworthy

      Actually, they're considering dropping out of the federal/state funded Medicaid program to save money and because of all the poor brown people. Turning down the federal share of funding will save…….? No I don't know what their thinking is here. I think its mostly about brown people.

  15. skoalrebel

    Fuck yeah! [spit] Texas understands freedom. Not like that Kenyan muslim commie in the white house.

    1. JustPixelz

      I agree. Texas' understanding of freedom is not like anyone else's. For example, their Freedom of Information Act is about keeping students free from information — about sex, history, mathematics, Demoncrats. And their Freedom of Religion covers both Protestants and Catholics.

      1. OneDollarJuana

        Freedom of Speech means you are free to say that liberals should be killed.

        Freedom of Association means you are free to associate liberals with the Devil.

  16. DaRooster

    Could they take a cue from Florida and maybe CHARGE people with the Death Penalty for their own executions?

  17. Monsieur_Grumpe

    Chewing tobacco must be one of the most disgusting habits in the world.
    I worked with a singer who liked to chew while rehearsing. He never failed to kick over his spit jar during a session.

    1. under_score

      Megadittos! I have learned two valuable things as a higher-education professional here in the Lone Star state: 1) That carrying around a water-bottle filled with brown spittle to class is completely acceptable and 2) Asking questions in a cavernous lecture hall in a mumbly drawl between spits = I have no idea WTF you are saying, ask me after class

      1. Gunner Asch

        One year as I was working wildfires we were staging at the Battle Mountain NV BLM. I was flabbergasted to see lots of sweet college girls on their summer job happily chawing away on Copenhagen. It was interesting to see them work it out of their back jeans pockets though.

        1. tessiee

          A former co-worker described the trashy girls from her high school as having "a ring in their pocket". I figured ring=jewelry, and I didn't see the sense of keeping a ring in your pocket, but I didn't see what was trashy about it, either.

          Further conversation revealed that by "ring", she meant the circular impression left by a chewin' tabacca can.

    2. ttommyunger

      Here in Georgia I paid good money for gym membership in which it was perfectly acceptable to spit juice, chaw and all into the various corners of the interior of the "facility" (read shithole). I'm guessing it was shoveled out periodically, since it never grew large enough to crowd the members out into the street. Fucking disgusting, but I was a member for years until it closed. Seems the owner had a problem with nose candy and steroids. I have closed several shitholes, now that I think about it. Hmmmmm.

  18. SheriffRoscoe

    Start charging a tax for every foot of snow that falls in Houston in July. Budget woes be gone!

  19. WhatTheHeck

    Here's the rub. Chew for free, but you get fined for spittin’ the tabaccy on the ground.

  20. OneDollarJuana

    Hey Texas Republicans, you know who else likes "shooting their guns in the air indiscriminately in celebration"? That's right, Muslins!

      1. tessiee

        Oh, goody!
        I love riddles!
        Um, OK, let's see, the difference…
        *ponders*
        One fucks sheep and goats, and…
        No, that can't be it.
        One's a backward theocracy, and…
        No, that's not it either.
        One keeps the wimmenfolk in their place and don't cotton to the Geigh..
        Hmmm…
        Ooh! Ooh!
        One hates America and all the rights and freedoms that we stand for…
        Um…
        Poor personal hygiene, bad teeth, and weapon-quality body odor…

        I got nothin' here.

  21. elviouslyqueer

    Ritter said his bill corrects an unfair tax that's been levied on pouches of loose-leaf tobacco since the Legislature in 2009 created a weight-based tax on tobacco products other than cigarettes and cigars. The result: Heavier loose-leaf tobacco products were unfairly affected, Ritter said. "It destroyed an industry," Ritter said.

    Dan Mulvaney, the director of government affairs for the tobacco company Swedish Match, said that since the 2009 law went into effect, sales of loose-leaf tobacco plummeted 50 percent.

    In all fairness to Messrs. Ritter and Mulvaney, it was the tax that destroyed the terbaccy industry and not the fact that chewing tobacco is a disgusting, nasty habit that causes your jaw to rot off.

    1. PsycWench

      "Dan Mulvaney, the director of government affairs for the tobacco company Swedish Match, said that since the 2009 law went into effect, sales of loose-leaf tobacco plummeted 50 percent"

      yeah, god forbid people use less of a carcinogenic substance.

    2. OneDollarJuana

      Oh, be real. There are lots and lots of disgusting, nasty habits that cause various parts of your body to rot off, but people have been doing them for as long as there have been people.

      Hence the origin of the word "Santorum".

  22. Schmannnity

    Good news for mouth, tongue, and jaw cancer advocates. Well done philosopher kings of Texas!

  23. Hera Sent Me

    I live in Texas. I can attest that there is effectively a heavy tax on being gay here already.

    In my town, even the local gay bar is in the closet. You wouldn't know it was there unless you knew it was there.

    1. DahBoner

      Me and my girlfriend once walked into a gay bar in downtown Des Moines to use the phone or bathroom. When we walked out, my gf asked, Did you notice that was a gay bar?

      I looked up at the sign of the name of the bar: "Blazing Saddle"

      DOH! I thought they were just Mel Brookes fans…

  24. DahBoner

    “We just created an incentive for people to use cancer-causing products,"

    Yaay! Part of the Republican Health Plan: Just hurry up and fucking die already!

    Couldn't happen to nicer people!

    In other important news, Paul McCartney is no longer dating one-legged skank whores

    1. tessiee

      "In other important news, Paul McCartney is no longer dating one-legged skank whores … "

      So, can we now assume that he's dating modest, virtuous women thirty years his junior who like him for himself and not his billions?

  25. Not_So_Much

    How does "YEEEE-HAWWWW!" sound when the lower half of your face has dropped off from dippin'? Guessing not quite as patriotically awesome…

    1. user-of-owls

      It's sort of a weak but high-pitched squeal. Closest sound I know of is when you step on a vole.

  26. Serolf_Divad

    I'm kinda surprised Texas even taxes chewing tobacco in the first place. Isn't Chewing tobacco basically the Evangelical equivalent of Peyote? Wouldn't it be excluded from taxation on religious grounds?

    1. iburl

      Just as some people in this country have "American Jesus", Texas has "Texan Jesus." Texan Jesus is fat, drives a Ford F150, votes Republican, and spits chaw on homeless people.

      1. Serolf_Divad

        Give a homeless man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Spit a big plug of tobacco in his face when he holds his hand out and the shame of the experience will make him get off his lazy ass and get a job.

        Luke 11:23 (Texas Bible)

  27. neiltheblaze

    Let that Skoalrebel pic be a warning to these Texas folks. That could be you, chaw addicts!

  28. Lascauxcaveman

    Maybe they can put a tax being gay? Sure, that would still be a tax, but it wouldn’t be levied on anyone Texas considers to be actual citizens.

    It is my understanding that there are no gays in Texas to be taxed; or so a Texas acquaintance tells me.

    Something about those extra-large belt buckles shielding the wearers' crotch areas from gay-rays or somesuch.

        1. elviouslyqueer

          As someone who's recently visited the Houston Galleria, that would be an unqualified HELL YES.

          1. HistoriCat

            And here I thought the Galleria was full of people who I would describe as some variant of "trailer trash"

  29. Poindexter718

    If you morans read the article, you'd see this here law will affect chaw and not dip. That's fuckin' gay. –SkoalReb

  30. MinAgain

    Hey, now. Chewing tobacco has its medicinal uses, now that mosquito season is here.

    1. DashboardBuddha

      I once saw an old cowboy movie where the heroes were hiding from the bad guys when a rattlesnake entered the hidey hole. The couldn't shoot the snake since it would give away their position, so one of the cowboys spit his chaw at it. I think I was 8 and I thought that was the coolest thing. Not surprisingly, my mom wouldn't let me chew. I owe that woman a great debt.

  31. Fare la Volpe

    Maybe this is a secret plot by the NWO to covertly kill off all the stupids in the state of Texas.

    I guess those Illuminati ain't so bad after all.

  32. sportshort

    Can't they just make poor people work harder, like at night when they're asleep? Cause that sure is some wasted time, that sleeping. Most people don't even need to sleep. Rich people do, cuz they uses they brain most times, but poor people don't even have brains because they is too poor to buy one. The end. Oh,. and get me a beer while yer up.

  33. iburl

    Well this is not surprising in any way:

    PERSONAL PROFILE
    Full Name:Allan Ritter
    Birthdate:5-6-1954
    Race:White
    Occupation:Business Owner
    Education:Diploma, Forest Park High School, 1972.
    Spouse:Peggy
    Religion:Baptist
    Church:First Baptist Church (Nederland)

    1. Fare la Volpe

      Spouse:Peggy

      If he sells propane and propane accessories, I may just piss myself.

      1. MiniMencken

        Better than propane. He runs a chain of "drive-thru" lumber yards, where, they advertise, "you don’t ever have to leave your truck if you don’t want to."

      2. tessiee

        "Spouse:Peggy

        If he sells propane and propane accessories, I may just piss myself. "

        Boh-nuss dee-az.
        [that's espa-noel]

    2. MiniMencken

      I believe he is some kind of cousin to John Ritter and John's daddy, Tex. Nederland is in the middle of a massive complex of refineries and petrochemical plants. Plenty of cancers to go around before you even start tabulating the smokeless tobacco stats.

  34. __kth__

    Actually skoalrebel and his buds probably don't vote in noticeable numbers. The people who put the monsters of Texas into power (and hire assholes that make fun of the only Muslim in the math class) are mostly petit-bourgeois types holding BBAs from third-tier public colleges, going to unaffiliated megachurches, and would sooner let their children eat poison or watch CNN as allow them to consume tobacco of any kind.

    No doubt TX gopers would like to change this. It's complicated by the fact that skoalrebel doesn't read newspapers, but if there's anyone that can get a message out to a loyal customer base it's Big Tobacco.

  35. Gopherit

    Okay, I have to ask. Who just shoves a goddamn tobacco leaf in their mouth and goes to town? That's just all kinds of 17th century fuckery to me.

    1. Fare la Volpe

      If it was good enough for our Founders, it's good enough for us.

      Like wooden dentures. Or slavery. Also.

  36. genxr

    As a resident of the state of California, which has a budget that is looking better by comparison every day, I support this.

  37. Arken

    I saw lawn darts in a Toys R Us not too long ago. I don't know if they just never sold them back in the 80s or if the law changed or what, but there they were, lawn darts.

    1. OneDollarJuana

      I have a set of lawn darts in the garage. Should I be re-sharpening them for my trip to Dallas?

  38. real_dc_native

    Texas will balance its budget the way all truly patriotic conservative fiscally responsible states do it – with Federal money.

  39. JustPixelz

    They don't call themselves "The One (or maybe it's Two) Star State" for nuthin'.

    Repubicans used to brag about how Texas and other like-minded states balanced their budgets and had low taxes and were libertarian paradises. The economy has splashed some cold water on those notions, but the TP'ers have got a stranglehold on conservative politics. Do I catch a whiff of default in the (smokeless) air?

  40. SystemError

    Don't forget, Texas also passed a law to cap the sales tax on yachts. So load up on chaw, get on your yacht, and let's go TEXAS!

  41. JustPixelz

    It'll come after the right to bear arms in prison. If the Second Amendment means anything, it's the right to defend yourself in the sanctity of your own cell.

  42. BZ1

    TX Rep. Allan Ritter (R) said about the chewing tobacco tax."It destroyed an industry," forgetting entirely the benefits to undertakers…

  43. JustPixelz

    Or is this really a plot by Al Queda to trick Americans into getting cancer? Step 1: Attack WTC & Pentagon; Step 2: Repubicans take over and lower "sin" taxes; Step 3 : Americans start dropping like fatwahs at a hooker convention; Mission Accomplished.

  44. mayor_quimby

    Folks, the usa is done, as has been said before. I just listened to a coworker call the McDonald's complaint line . His complaint? They messed up his large size big-MAC meal, with Apple pie by salting his fries when he said no salt. He said it is bad for his high blood pressure, yet he goes every other day.
    Yes, the salt was the problem with that scenario. This is why we're fat, folks.

    1. tessiee

      I'd be willing to bet money that your cow-irker doesn't believe in Darwin and evolution. Life's ironic, ain't it?

  45. kissawookiee

    Moar tabacky = moar holes in mouth = Twinkies fall clean out = obesity epidemic solved! Thank you Texas!

  46. notreelyhelping

    Taxing people for being gay? Man, don't even joke about that…some mouth-breather will take it seriously and decide it's their ticket to destiny.

  47. littlebigdaddy

    But what about if you are using the baccy for a baccy enema, administered by your gay-married boyfriend? Double the tax?

  48. ttommyunger

    Hey Texans! Handy tip; when your mouth starts to feel sore and your gums start bleeding and your teeth start falling out from all that pesky oral cancer, you can still shove that tasty chaw up your asses. Colorectal Cancer is even more deadly than the oral kind, so-you'll have THAT going for you! You're welcome.

  49. Eve8Apples

    "We just created an incentive for people to use cancer-causing products”

    Best news I've heard from Texas in a long time. I encourage all Texans to use many cancer causing products and indiscriminately fire weapons at each other or themselves. Don't let a little thing like sanity or rationality hold you back.

  50. Zombie_Reagan

    I wish I had something snarky to write, but Texas and its citizens provide all the comedy needed.

  51. lochnessmonster

    Guess we can expect an increase in insurance premiums so we can pay for cancer treatment for those who choose to chew tobacco. Only way to pay for ppl who don't have, won't get insurance coverage on their own. That 's fair!

    1. tessiee

      But not for people who can't afford it, cuz that would be soshulist and muslin.

  52. tessiee

    Hey, that's great!
    Lung cancer is really difficult to manage, but lip, tongue, and jaw cancer, they can just slice the offending chunks right off!
    Yay?

  53. SonofSpermcube

    He's supporting this tax because it is regressive. This is entirely consistent with being a Republican.

Comments are closed.