deck chairs on a dollar-store titanic

The First Time Republicans Debate Who Is Least Likely To Be President Liveblog

You laugh, but he actually looks like a pretty strong candidate against this field.Tonight, American history is made: it is the first time there in American history that there is no chance American history will be made. THE REPUBLICAN PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES ARE DEBATING. Well, five of them are. And not even any of the “good” ones, who, if you’re keeping score at home, are mediocre at best. And it’s on Fox News, so most of the questions will be variations on “Can we trust this communist terrorist to run the economy? Yes, no, or no and also Ronald Reagan was the greatest president ever?” Please refer to our drinking game so you don’t get boredom-onset seizures! Drinking will keep you busy. And this liveblog, which starts NOW.

9:00 PM — Haha, remember the last time we liveblogged? And Obama blew up that guy’s face? Yeah, these guys have no chance.
9:00 PM — Very scary into! Thank God we have these candidates to protect us from — Obama killing poor Osama bin Laden?
9:01 PM — “Here’s Ron Paul and the people who don’t have a job.”
9:03 PM — Orange tie? Is Pawlenty a New Democratic Party candidate? HE’S A CANADIAN TERROR BABY! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!
9:03 PM — We totally nailed this first question/answer. Drink!
9:04 PM — Haha, Herman Cain. “I would not release the photo of bin Laden. I would release a photo of a delicious pizza. Small business!”
9:05 PM — Santorum: Thank you, President Bush, for using your powers to force Obama to kill bin Laden. (Did Bush also make him pass Obamacare?)
9:06 PM — Ron Paul wearing his best tie. Just happens to be his Halloween tie. (Do they all have orange ties? Maybe the lighting is just weird.)
9:07 PM — Why aren’t other former pizza CEOs on the stage? Did Godfather’s Pizza sponsor this debate?
9:09 PM — Herman Cain does not know facts. He knows his grandmother’s old-country Italian food. That’s all he needs. Pizza pizza!
9:09 PM — Gary Johnson should probably not draw attention to the passage of time.
9:11 PM — Santorum just endorsed Islam.
9:12 PM — What was that weird sound Pawlenty made into the mic? Did he just remember who John Galt is?
9:14 PM — Chris Wallace is SO ANNOYED with your clapping, libertarians. Stop clapping or he will SIGH AT YOU.
9:15 PM — Ooh, Santorum went slightly over his beep! What a badass!
9:18 PM — Gary Johnson is really regretting sticking that bag of frozen peas in his pants.
9:19 PM — “Evangelical Christian / Married / Two Children.” We think the winner is going to be the one whose bio lists “Brought Gun Here.”
9:20 PM — Herman Cain: “We have all the oil we need here in America! Just get a napkin and soak it off our pizzas!”
9:22 PM — Yes let’s not drag health care out to Washington, DC, Pawlenty. And let’s move Medicare and Medicaid out to a ditch somewhere in middle-of-nowhere Wyoming.
9:24 PM — Santorum: Put people in charge of the entitlements! Scavenge food in the forest for yourselves, children on food stamps!
9:26 PM — Ron Paul’s been busy growing those eyebrows out the past few years.
9:27 PM — When did Eric Cantor start strumming away on that electric guitar? We didn’t see his arms move.
9:30 PM — Ahhhh, too much shit in that Santorum statement to even address. But did he just say the founders were anarchists?
9:32 PM — That is the first time anyone has cheering anything relating to the Federal Reserve. Except for that time Alan Greenspan did a striptease in a congressional hearing.
9:34 PM — Hermain Cain: “Who are your experts? The Noid? The Little Caesar’s guy? Figures!”
9:35 PM — Gary Johnson just drew attention to the fact that he is the biggest loser of these losers. “Ugh, give me questions! *DEBATE HANDSSSSSSSS!*”
9:38 PM — Gary Johnson: “We are on the verge of financial collapse, and I say that from the standpoint of being reduced to selling fake turquoise jewelry by the side of the road in my home state so I can buy food.”
9:39 PM — Haha, Rick Santorum’s dad beat him for not hating immigrants.
9:40 PM — Rick Santorum: “I fought my urge to learn Italian and accidentally turned into a Hispanic. Vote for me, taco people!”
9:42 PM — Rick Santorum has yet to address if his grandmother translated her delicious pizza recipe into English. GET ON THIS, CAIN.
9:44 PM — DEBATE WINNER UPDATE: Barack Obama still destroying it.
9:44 PM — Also, another debate winner: people who are watching something that is not this.
9:45 PM — Had the president listened to Pawlenty on Libya, he would have let Pawlenty be president.
9:46 PM — Santorum: We have tolerated a lot of this “Muslim stuff” from the Pakistanis, but it’s time they help us make abortion illegal.
9:48 PM — Herman Cain is imaging what a Ron Paul theme pizza would consist of.
9:49 PM — Thank God Scott Walker is here! Finally, somebody who can win the presidency.
9:50 PM — DEBATE WINNER UPDATE: the hookworms infesting Gary Johnson’s intestines.
9:54 PM — But seriously, where’s the white guy who runs the South Carolina Republican Party?
9:55 PM — Ron Paul: there should be no institution of marriage. Just make it a pre-nup and make it as capitalistic as possible.
9:56 PM — Herman Cain: DOMA was “signed in 191996.” Bill Clinton must have eaten a time-traveling ziti.
9:57 PM — Pawlenty: “I killed Rick Santorum’s baby. And I’d do it again in a second.”
10:00 PM — Rick Santorum: “If I didn’t have social issues to talk about, I would die. Mitch Daniels is trying to give me AIDS and kill me.”
10:00 PM — Those founding fathers must be pissed they still haven’t been able to get rid of abortion. WHAT’S YOUR PROBLEM, SANTORUM? HURRY UP.
10:03 PM — Ron Paul waving his arm around like that is making Herman Cain all PTSD about that time he almost got stabbed by a pepperoni.
10:04 PM — Pawlenty is not “anti-chicken.” So his title is “FORMER CEO OF CHIK-FIL-A”?
10:06 PM — Tim Pawlenty is very sorry that he once saw a baby deer and didn’t kick it.
10:07 PM — Tim Pawlenty calls past cap-ant-trade support “ham-fisted.” To Herman Cain, those are fighting words. (If you forgot from all our other jokes, Herman Cain is the pizza guy.)
10:08 PM — Rick Santorum’s mind is going to be blown when he hears about stay-at-home dads.
10:09 PM — Why does Rick Santorum hate working? Does he want all women to be welfare queens?
10:11 PM — “Now everybody raise their hands if they would use heroin if Ron Paul made it legal. Okay.”
10:13 PM — Look at that face! Gary Johnson is totally lying about smoking pot. He wouldn’t know where to get it even if he could afford it.
10:15 PM — Herman Cain thinks the next president will be the one who “projects the most amount of leadership strenth.” So congrats to the 45th president of the United States, Zordon the floating face from Power Rangers.
10:16 PM — DEBATE WINNER UPDATE: After all this, you know what still sounds really good all the time? Pizza.
10:18 PM — Tim Pawlenty says we need a president who sticks true to his word. “So don’t vote for me! I fucked up on that cap-and-trade thing!”
10:19 PM — Did you see that graphic? Gingrich did not get a state and Trump didn’t get a state OR an “(R).” Fox News just deported Gingrich and Trump! And told a little truth about Trump.
10:20 PM — Oh hooray this thing is almost over.
10:22 PM — Haha, this debate is so lame there’s a category about the candidates who didn’t bother to show up.
10:23 PM — Herman Cain: “Mitt Romney is a loser and I get free pizza for life. Need I say more?”
10:24 PM — Ron Paul forgot who Michele Bachmann is. Good for him.
10:25 PM — Rick Santorum on Gingrich: “Stand up for the truth and let the [mistresses] fall where they may.” Now, if Gingrich was a woman.
10:26 PM — Gary Johnson: “I have a lot of time on my hands… Wait, let me butt back in! I REALLY have a lot of time on my hands!”
10:27 PM — Herman Cain just said we need “leadership” not “positionship.” PUT HIM IN CHARGE OF ALL THE PIZZA. HE CAN HANDLE IT.
10:30 PM — DEBATE WINNER UPDATE: yeah, it was those Gary Johnson hookworms. Congrats, you guys! You did it! Good night.
10:33 PM — WAIT! BREAKING! WE STILL HAVE FOX NEWS ON AND THE FRANK LUNTZ FOCUS GROUP OF WHITE PEOPLE JUST SAID HERMAN CAIN WON BY A LANDSLIDE. People really fucking like pizza. Stop underestimating that, Beltway media!

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef
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  1. Amoriahs

    Don't forget to take a bong rip when Gary Johnson is asked about his marijuana legalization position!

  2. SayItWithWookies

    It's eerily reminiscent of the duel for last place in Survivor: Redemption Island.

    1. poncho_pilot

      and if one of these yahoos became president it would be eerily reminiscent of the film Duel.

      1. FakaktaSouth

        We drank right quick and rushed home from Cinco-ing to see this shit, and it has ALREADY killed my buzz. However, I'm half wasted and these fucktards are making me feel smart as hell, so cheers.

      1. LesBontemps

        I'd be drunk every day if it came in pill form.

        It used to; it was called "Quaaludes." Ask the olds about it.

  3. SayItWithWookies

    Tim Pawlenty thinks someone "looks weak?" No mirrors in the Pawlenty household, one assumes.

  4. DustBowlBlues

    Ahem. As I was saying on the other live blog, I just sat down after a productive day to kick back with the wonkeratti and you're already up to more than 200 comments over there? I repeat, WTF? Are you losers already drunk?

      1. DustBowlBlues

        I'm going to cry. A wonkeratti gave me lol to clarify snark. Thank you, and I'll consider it an early Mother's Day gift, since my young ingrates appear to be blowing it off, as usual. Sniff.

  5. Fuck Toad

    My projection: Herman Cain wins debate and sweeps to a surprise victory. In a shocking yet daring move, he names Megs McCabe his running mate. In the interim, Meghan has married Dean Cain, TV's Superman.

    Cain-McCain-Cain 2012!

    1. emmelemm

      How cool would it be if you could work a Candy in there somehow? Too bad John Candy's dead.

      1. OhNoGuy

        I think what you want here is, "Cain-Cain -Cain -ain-ain-ain ain, McCain of Fools" and Aretha WAILIN'!!

        (Can't you hear the music in your head? I can!!)

    1. Limeylizzie

      I am not drunk and I just screamed with laughter on the dog on asshole imagery

          1. 102415

            Back up for you too lizzie. haha I must be 45 seconds behind herself Miss Thing.

  6. SayItWithWookies

    The mod has said "Santorum" several times now without snickering. That's my prediction for most admirable thing to happen tonight.

  7. SayItWithWookies

    So everything good that's happened is a result of that guy the Republicans keep saying we should forget about and live in the present, right?

  8. bumfug

    This is like Wrestlemania with a title match between Dean "The Iceman" Malenko and Jacques "The Mountie" Rougeau.

  9. DustBowlBlues

    Gdammit. Every time that fucker Paul opens his mouth about Afghanistan, I agree with him.

    1. Arken

      That's okay. Ask his opinion on the federal reserve or medicaid or the U.N. or abortion or taxes (etc.)

    2. TheMightyHaltor

      That's how Libertarians get you: Rothschild conspiracy theories wrapped in a thin film of common sense.

    3. zhubajie

      Yes, things are bad when a long-term loon like Ron Paul makes the most sense.

  10. AJW@[redacted]

    Think I'll just sit real quiet-like in the corner over here, and counterfist the downfister…

  11. SayItWithWookies

    Well — Herman Cain definitely has the grasp of military theory that I would expect of a pizza company CEO.

  12. DustBowlBlues

    Fuck this shit–is the whole lineup of loonies going to say get out of Afghanistan? Why not Iraq, too?

    1. OhNoGuy

      At least he has the black pizza shop owners, vote. Making a move on the Greek sushi chefs association next. I think I learned about this playing RISK!

    1. fuflans

      2012 is going to make the entire 2008 election – the ENTIRE 2008 election – look like an academic discourse on string theory.

  13. ProgressiveInga

    Had to bail – I quit drinking over 20 yrs ago and doing this sober just hurts. Hey, Michael Moore is on Piers Morgan!

  14. bumfug

    Why watch? No matter how much you hate him you know Scottie's gonna win this fucker. Oh, wait. That's the bullshit competition on the regular Fox channel.

  15. FakaktaSouth

    I wish when NM Potential Pot Pres had burped just then that some smoke had come out. That woulda been the shit.

  16. DustBowlBlues

    Screw that pot-smoking governor. I don't want to leave Libya, I want to leave the other two wars and bomb the fucking shit out of the tanks around Mizrata. (sp? live blog leaves no time to wiki shit.)

  17. SayItWithWookies

    Santorum said people who modernize Islam get killed? Kemal Ataturk, anyone? The last person who needs to be leading our non-war on Islam is a fundamentalist.

    1. OhNoGuy

      And people who absolutely, totally refuse to reform Catholicism get elected 1 term Senators, or Pope/Supreme Court Justice for life.

      No more German Shepherds!!

    1. axmxz

      Will the dancing Hitlers please wait in the wings? We are only auditioning the singing Hitlers!

  18. DustBowlBlues

    Are all you wimps leaving? Hey, I know–let's liveblog Rachel Maddow. I mean, since we're all here together, cozy like.

  19. Terry

    Paul said that Americans may be subject to secret prisons? Did I hear that wrong? Did he rent Red Dawn last night?

    1. RavenRant

      I am not your conscience, Sweet Pea. It's a hard habit to break. And there's no patch for it.

  20. Limeylizzie

    Is this worth my getting my fat bottom up from the couch and going into the bedroom to watch?

    1. ProgressiveInga

      No Ma'am. I quit watching after about 4 minutes in – you're fine keeping your fine bottom where it is…..IMHO. The blogging is much more entertaining than the actual event.

    2. OhNoGuy

      I know I'm a little late to this party but may I just have a peek before I make up my mind?

  21. SayItWithWookies

    Tim Pawlenty knows the name of countries he's been to. Bush set the bar a little low, but Pawlenty clears it.

  22. DustBowlBlues

    Sorry. I was having fun reading the wonkeratti comments and totally lost whatever the Canadian said. Did I miss anything good?

  23. Terry

    T-paw, your state ran you out on a rail. Why do you think the country will have you as president?

    1. fartknocker

      And Santorum thinks it was useful. Maybe we should waterboard him, you know, for fun.

      1. genxr

        We shouldn't waterboard Santorum for fun, but because it would be useful.

        When we're done we'll ask him how it was useful.

        1. OhNoGuy

          And if we don't get the right answer, we'll just keep on until we do. Then little Ricky will understand what this is all about. Stupid fuck. It's useful for making Ricky say what we want Ricky to say.

          I'd like to dismiss Ricky but after Regan & W. ……………

    2. fuflans

      ron paul is the only one of them to actually espouse anything approximating 'libertarianism' (though they all try to claim it to win the fat bagger vote).

      i do not like him or it, but he is generally consistent.

      well, except for abortion. of course.

    1. RavenRant

      Would've livened things up a bit. Santorum might have held his hands over his ears and cried.

  24. DustBowlBlues

    They all want to torture people? These fuckers are scary because Paul is the least scariest. I mean, this shit is crazy.

    1. RavenRant

      These guys also think '24' is a documentary. They think the real solution is an army of Keifer Sutherland clones torturing everyone who crosses his path.

      1. Doktor Zoom

        To clarify, he'd like to see Islam reform itself into accepting Jesus Christ as its lord and savior

        1. arihaya

          what? they already accepting Jaysus as penultimate prophet and great teacher

          guess that is not enough

        1. OhHellToTheNo

          He's clearly trying to steal the Minnesota Lutheran vote from Tim Pawlenty. Well played, Santorum. Well played indeed…
          That man might last an extra week in the first half of the election season.

  25. GinnehRED57

    well, I'm fuxed, stream requires Flash and I'm on an iPad, all comfy and reclining on my socialist bed. Gee, lotta Paultards chatting over there

  26. SayItWithWookies

    I'd like to see them address, in light of their "evil enemy" characterization of Muslim radicals, whether the Arab Spring and Obama's support of democratic movements and his reaching out to the Muslim world in general has damaged radical islamic movements strategically.

    1. not that Dewey

      Bill Richardson, if you'll recall, was a few notches below "invigorating". (And he also had the absolute limpest handshake I've ever encountered.)

  27. undeterredbyreality

    Rachel talking with guy who says Al Quaede is defunct. D-funkt. Great word. Can't /won't watch faux.

    1. DustBowlBlues

      That was my idea. Watch Rachel together. But then we'd just all agree with everything.

      1. undeterredbyreality

        Yeah, I took your suggestion to heart. Agreement is good. I got no TV and won't pollute my History with clicking on Fox (it might infect the pr0n), so I only get to read the comments.

    1. RavenRant

      Instead of suspicious pixels, we could check the chisel marks on the stone tablets.

  28. DustBowlBlues

    Oh, shit. I just realized they paraded out Juan Williams to prove they're not rightwing dickwad news. Of course, he was NPR's rightwing dickwad.

    1. not that Dewey

      Just like they used to do every Sunday morning. It didn't work then; it's not gonna work now.

  29. DustBowlBlues

    Huh? Why doesn't the prez let companies be in SC? Did I miss something?

    Oh, fuck. Here comes fucking Anwar.

    1. trampndirtdown

      The National Labor Relations Board said in a ruling that Boeing was moving jobs from Washington to S. Carolina as an arbitration weapon instead of bargaining in good faith and said it was illegal while still in talks with the union.

  30. bumfug

    I'd watch it if these assbites' spouses had a "Real Housewives of Stepford" show.

  31. SayItWithWookies

    What the hell — Cain just said we could use speculation to lower oil prices if we drilled so much oil that it would affect the world's supply. One, we don't have that much oil, and two, it's so hard to get that lowering the price of it would make it not cost-effective to drill here. The man's an idiot.

    1. iburl

      Not to mention that "America's Oil" belongs to the multinational corporation that extracts it. The extracted oil is then sold on the world market to the highest bidder. It's Never our oil because there is no such thing as an American Oil Company. (That would be Sochializm.)

      1. BarackMyWorld

        There you go bringing actual knowledge about the issues into things, instead of whatever the fuck it is conservatives consider to be true.

  32. FakaktaSouth

    ooooooh somebody something about the Paul Ryan mandate you fuckers, come on

  33. Terry

    Santorum had a nose job at some point. Result of a bar fight or just vanity? Silly question…

      1. OhNoGuy

        Ok, I guess I gotta quote Chinatown (or misquote it) "Your wife crossed her legs"

        If I'm wrong, don't correct me. Let me live in my dream world.

  34. SayItWithWookies

    Yayyy — Santorum approves of Ryan's Medicare gutting. That'll make it easier on future debate moderators who wouldn't be able to look him in the eye without laughing.

    1. Jukesgrrl

      He's the first pol in Pennsylvania I ever heard call for raising the retirement age to 70. He got kicked out of office in the next election. Had nothing to do with fetuses or man-on-dog. Pennsylvanians are plumb tuckered out by the time they reach 65 and they're not working ONE MORE DAY, dammit!

  35. Terry

    This looks like they are all running to be president of the junior high school A.V. Club

    1. Dudleydidwrong

      Political life is just the endless recapitulation of the election of 8th grade class president, and these guys are the ones who couldn't get anybody to nominate them–they keep trying and just make everyone miserable. I'll bet their wives wouldn't vote for them, let alone go to the 8th grade dance after the election results are announced.

  36. SayItWithWookies

    Ha ha — the livestream didn't break away for the commercial. But they put up a Fox logo right after a makeup girl came onstage and started giving a touch-up to whoever was standing in the middle spot.

  37. CalamityJames

    Oh for fuck's sake, why does Fux keep telling me what fucking religion these assclowns belong to, or how many fucking kids they have? Is this really what is considered "qualifications" to the Aryan fuckwads sitting behind that fucking desk? Am I the only one whose preferred POTUS has absolutely no children and got into an argument with God over which Radiohead album is better with weed (Kid A, God said Pablo Honey and got laughed out of the room)?

      1. CalamityJames

        I don't really see the difference, but a thousand strange-up-fists for the avatar.

          1. CalamityJames

            Damn flyin' pig comes in with an opinion!

            EDIT: I celebrated Cinco with my parents. Mucho taco margaritas. I think I'm becoming a violent Wonk.

            EDIT2: I wanna pig!

      1. CalamityJames

        As a huge fan, I could honestly, with the exception of the b-sides, burn the entire album and still feel a little played. Clearly a "hey, look at us, we're like them" album.

        Still, though, I'd fuck the hell out of Thom's wonky eye.

    1. mumbly_joe

      Well, that religion thing can be is useful. For example, when Frothy Mix references his faith when reaffirming his opposition to abortion, knowing that he's Catholic means that one can find out that the same catechism that condemns abortion is the one that condemns torture as well.

      Of course, nobody's ever been denied communion because of their ardent support of the employment of torture, so we can be reasonably sure that despite their claims to the contrary, they don't give a single ever-loving fuck about issues of public policies that aren't abortion or the homosexuals.

    2. OhHellToTheNo

      Stop being so negative. I look at those statistics as opportunities for hypocrisy and hilarity. More kids? Higher odds one of them will embarrass their family. More religion? More shit they do behind closed doors that we get to discover later. It's going to be an amazing election season, y'all.

  38. Terry

    Santorum needs to tred lightly around Medicare. Pennsylvania is loaded with retirees and they run over him with their scooters

  39. SayItWithWookies

    How the hell, Mr. Santorum, is lack of affordable healthcare for fifteen percent of citizens a fumdamental belief of our founding fathers? The man reads the minds of dead people and understands their thoughts on current issues.

  40. iburl

    having Obamacare means we are "Addicted to a Drug of Government".

    Foamy, I think it's more like addicted to a drug of low prices and long lives.

  41. SayItWithWookies

    Geeze — Paul's Constitutional sanctimony is just as ridiculous and hypocritical as Santorum's religious sanctimony.

  42. SayItWithWookies

    "When prices go up, they're defaulting on your money — so we need to look at the Federal Reserve system." Dumbest quote of the night goes to Ron Paul so far — but it's early yet.

    1. DustBowlBlues

      Totally kills my get out of the wars buzz. Besides, I don't want to get out of Libya. I want those Seal badasses to kill fucknutz.

        1. SayItWithWookies

          Italy's full up with fucknutz. When Berlusconi dies though, room will open up for about half a million more.

  43. CalamityJames

    Ok, someone either needs to answer the door or solve the damn puzzle, cause the ding-ding is killing me.

  44. GinnehRED57

    I am waiting for the day I can vote for the first Childfree atheist president. Because on that day, the Religiothuglicans tiny little heads will explode, and all the rational Republicans will crawl out of their stasis chambers

    1. DustBowlBlues

      everyone is being down thumbed. Why don't the trolls pay attention to this lineup of conservtard gods? And leave the sane people alone?

  45. SayItWithWookies

    Oh Cain with the Fair Tax nonsense. So he's into every corporate windfall imaginable.

    And Pawlenty gets testy! Alert the media! Oh, wait.

    1. DustBowlBlues

      Simple minds love panaceas. I'm 63 and if I've learned one thing over the years, it's that there are no simple solutions to complex problems.

  46. gef05

    The stage get up is a ripoff of the set for "Rock and Roll Creation" in Spinal Tap.

  47. CalamityJames

    "Why won't anyone ask me a stupid question for me to fuck up?" – That other fucker who showed up

  48. BlueStateLibel

    Oh wow, I just turned in. I'm going to need A LOT more alcohol if you expect me to endure this.

  49. ttommyunger

    I am a certified, genuine brass-plated nobody, always have been and I have too much dignity and self-esteem to be seen in the company of this gaggle of misfits and malcontents in any venue under any circumstances at any time. So, I've got that going for me….

  50. bumfug

    Why watch? No matter how much you hate him you know Scottie's gonna win this fucker. Oh, wait. That's the bullshit competition on the regular Fox channel.

  51. SayItWithWookies

    Gary Shandling wants to give Haley Barbour free reign over what to do with Mississippi's Mediare fund. Good idea? Really?

  52. finallyhappy

    ha,ha, Perez hilton came out dressed as Princess Diana on her wedding day. I don't know who the "real housewife" is or why she is doing the show. And yes, it is much better than whatever you are watching on Faux.-unless the "candidates" came out in Kate Middleton wedding dress replicas.

  53. Gold_ManSacks

    Does Cain only speak in bullet points?

    Your Pizza is 5 things; 1) delicious crust, 2) tangy tomato sauce, 3) a blend of cheeses, 4) spicy pepperoni and 5) crisp green peppers.

  54. SayItWithWookies

    Santorum: "I used to say, 'Dad, why don't you teach me Italian?'"
    Dad: Because we're Greek, dumbass.

  55. not that Dewey

    I just allowed my DirectTV subscription to lapse (per Ken's advice); so, unless this thing is already out on Netflix, I won't be watching.

  56. DustBowlBlues

    I have to go turn on the lights in the bunkhouse. Save my place and let me know if I miss anything good. Like one of them wants to compete with Trump and yells "fuck those motherfuckers," 'kay?

  57. SayItWithWookies

    Heh — Herman Cain repeats his military talking point. That poor little idea is going to get a workout tonight, you betcha.

  58. Terry

    Cain assumes that if something is unclear to HIM that it's unclear to the rest of us

  59. SayItWithWookies

    Pawlenty demands more questions and his two after that are pointed ones by Juan Williams about his state's budget deficit and his scrambled ideas about intervention in Libya. Ask and ye shall receive, Paw.

  60. Terry

    T-Paw is smoking dope wrt Libya. When did the rebels have control of most of the country?

  61. FakaktaSouth

    Oh Christ, Obama's gotta take out Kadafi now so Reagan can get the credit he deserves for killing him?

  62. DustBowlBlues

    Didn't have to leave, after all. Libya really has these guyz confused. They like war, but the Democratic president did it. He waited and didn't invade, meaning no defense contractor made a bundle on it. Still, Muslins are being bombed, except . . .

  63. SayItWithWookies

    Thank you Rick Santorum — for sternly declaring that we're not rattling our sabers enough and we should deal with Pakistan by, rather than the deft diplomacy that's enabled us to attack a house a quarter mile from a Pakistani military facility without getting kicked out altogether, with ultimatums and threats. Allies are so much harder than enemies to manage, we may as well be at war with the whole world.

    1. undeterredbyreality

      Yes it would be terrible to acknowledge that Pakistan has interests, too; and we certainly don't want to point to the obvious point that we pretty much do what we want to there, they publicly protest and condemn us, we do it some more, and they yell again to mollify their citizens, but we're still there, still doing it. Sometimes governments say one thing and do another, with good reason. Even ours.

  64. JackObin

    What this "debate" needs is a community college dropout with too many children, and an addiction to large lapel pins.

    1. 102415

      Yes, what happened to that guy? I must have played that youtube over ten times.

  65. DustBowlBlues

    Frothy loves Pakistan? There goes Piyush as his running mate. Anyone who loves Pakistan has to be a hater of India.

  66. Limeylizzie

    Are they all midgets except for T-Paw and he's just fucking weird looking, a mullet-coiffed cunt, if you will.

  67. Terry

    Too many politicians aren't telling the truth about Wisconsin's fiscal crisis, huh? Like a governor who gives a whopping big tax cut to business then blames the deficit on public workers' pensions? Is that the kind of dishonesty you mean, Scott?

  68. nounverb911

    I'm so glad I'm not watching the debate, this is much more entertaining. Just wanted to say hello to you all. I'm off now, it's time to watch the Mariners lose.

  69. Rasvar

    This debate really needs Jimmy McMillan from the Rent is Too Damn High party. These guys are about as interesting as a discussion with Bin Laden's corpse would be right now.

  70. genxr

    Ron Paul: states should decide civil rights issues. That's always worked out well.

  71. SayItWithWookies

    Ron Paul's certifiable, but when he has a reasonable idea it's nice to listen to — especially in the context of legalizing gay marriage in this bunch of loons.

  72. CalamityJames

    Goddammit, Ro-Paul over there making some sense. Does he even want to win?

  73. SayItWithWookies

    And of course Paul gets to have it both ways — his civil libertarian ideas are clear, and then the rights of the states to quash those civil rights rather than be forced to allow them to be practiced by the Federal goverment is also clear.

  74. Terry

    Cain's not fond of the Gheys of course. He won't be nominated because he's black. Doesn't need to stick so close to party line.

  75. DustBowlBlues

    Pot guy being booed. And someone thinks the pres. is treasonous. They know nothing about limited resources, do they? Like the Justice Dept moved from adult porn cases, because that was all the Republitards under Bush cared about, to terrorism and shit.

    DOMA, dammit!

  76. genxr

    Just saw this comment go by on the FoxNews live chat:

    "Santorum for President would be hard to swallow."

  77. SayItWithWookies

    Juan Williams: Does the GOP risk the perception that it's becoming the union-busting party?


  78. DustBowlBlues

    Shit. Now it's union bashing. How fucking pissed this is going to make me. I may have to leave. Winners and losers? It's the NLRB and the law of the land, fuckwads.

  79. FakaktaSouth

    Don't you feel you should tone down your homosexual position Santorum? You're getting frothy shit everywhere with all that flinging and flailing. Settle down dude, think of the sheets.

  80. SayItWithWookies

    Ron Paul — touting Texas as the Mexico of America. No income tax, no corporate tax? Does Rick Perry afford that hair on donations alone?

  81. SayItWithWookies

    Pawlenty on teaching intelligent design — leave it up to the localities. Or at least anyone parochial enough to be for creationism.

  82. SayItWithWookies

    Oh — and third hostile question from Juan Williams since the cry for attention. And TPaw kicks it to the next lowest level of government — brave, TPaw, brave.

  83. DustBowlBlues

    That's all on "creationism?" Pussies. How opposed are they to science? I want to know!

  84. DustBowlBlues

    Just say it, T-Paw. I said what the liberals in my frozen state wanted. Because I'm gangsta'.

  85. SayItWithWookies

    And Chris Wallace follows up by playing an environmental commercial that TPaw did. Someone at Fox doesn't like the fanatic in the gray flannel suit.

  86. SayItWithWookies

    Santorum says we should be affirming women's choices whatever they are. Hell, if the motherfucker's pro-Lizzie Borden I don't see why he can't be pro-Margaret Sanger.

  87. SayItWithWookies

    Oh, he's saying we should affirm staying at home as much as we should affirm (women) working. But we've never forced women to go to work and become lawyers, mechanics and teachers like we once did with making them stay at home and keep them from being independent.

  88. Rasvar

    Every stoner in South Carolina must be in the audience tonight. The narc squad is probably photographing everyone clapping him for a huge bust after the debate.

  89. FakaktaSouth

    Is it a government that tells us WHAT to eat, OR a government that tells us if our meat, eggs, spinach or whatever has DISEASE in them? Regulations, what a bitch.

  90. rocktonsam

    When Chris Wallace gets home tonight, I hope his dad punches him right in face.

    I first went to c-span to peek in, wasn't on.Its on FOX NEWS. Is this real?

    This should make em forget about the bin-laden thing.

  91. genxr

    Republicans want to legalize it? O shit they have a secret weapon. Obama is toast, and I'm toasted.

  92. SayItWithWookies

    Wallace asks Shandling how far he'd go in terms of legalizing weed.

    Me, I'd make schwag completely illegal. Just the good stuff, dammit.

    1. CalamityJames

      I consider myself a conasewer(?)…a coinasaurus(?)…I like weed a lot, and I have to say that a little Mexicani-dirt-weed does the trick on a budget. And, generally, any strain of weed that requires a name is gonna get me just as high as the skunk.

  93. Terry

    Johnson makes a run to grab the stoner vote back from Paul. Paul can keep the heroine and meth addicts

  94. SayItWithWookies

    You know, a good percentage of the questions are actually pretty tough. This is probably a sign of how little a shot FOX believes these guys have.

  95. SayItWithWookies

    Lightning round! Since it's the GOP, it's the White Lightning Round! Cain, as we know, doesn't count.

  96. SayItWithWookies

    Cain: One right decision doth not a great president make.

    Zero, on the other hand, makes a fuckin' genius — right, Dubya?

  97. mumbly_joe

    Ron Paul will do nothing for unemployment, just going to note. Nothing at all. He also seems unaware that "prices" and 'unemployment" are inversely related.

    1. mumbly_joe

      I mean, geeeee I wonder why gas prices might be high on a bunch of islands that are hundreds of miles away from the nearest refinery.


  98. iburl

    There goes Hermann "The Black Munster" Cain talking about socializing the oil industry again.

  99. mumbly_joe

    "I won a district by default. That is clearly a sign that I'm electable."

    -Frothy mix.

    1. rocktonsam

      Morning Edition did a thing on Santorum today.

      They made it quite clear he has been asshole since at least 1976.

  100. Terry

    Johnson admits that the GOP dropped us into debt. Between that and his high times, he's screwed

  101. obfuscator2

    jack, i think the proper pronunciation is "strenph".

    /that's not racial transcendence


    Moi watching Hairspray (2007) instead. Better one Christopher Walken than 100 Santorum.

  103. SayItWithWookies

    Gary Shandling says (I swear I'm paraphrasing closely here) that he sees no reason why, after the Republicans got us into this economic mess, that anyone should vote Republican again. Yet he believes Republicans are the only ones who can get us out of this.

    The man's got a line on some good weed, I can tell that about him. Wouldn't trust him to give me change for a nickel, but he's got some good herb.

  104. DustBowlBlues

    Commercial for Faux news Sunday. Exclusive interview with Dick Cheney. Totally exclusive, because no one else cares what the hateful old fuck has to say.

    1. mumbly_joe

      Someone please make sure T-Paw says "I love the Huck" in every campaign commercial ever.

      Also, too, "T-Paw".

  105. obfuscator2


    pssst herman tell me this: what do you think the odds are that america elects two black presidents in consecutive elections? what are the odds that those two black presidents will be from different parties? hmmmmmm?

        1. CalamityJames

          If that were the case, do you think I would use the term "long-form"? Little redundant.

  106. mumbly_joe

    CW: "Are you a low-rent Huckabee?"
    TPaw: "No! I'm clearly a low-rent Romney. Where have you been?"

  107. Terry

    Paul dissed Bachmann. I disagree with him on 99 percent of things but he does occasionally amuse me

  108. CalamityJames

    Ha, "All you guys suck, what the fuck are we doing here and who do you think will lose against Obummer?"

  109. Rasvar

    Paul-Bachmann: The future presidential ticket…for the US version of the Monster Raving Loony Party.

  110. SayItWithWookies

    Santorum on Gingrich's fucking around — "all of us make mistakes." You sorry hypocritical bastard — what did you say about Bill Clinton?

  111. obfuscator2

    SOMEONE'S facial expression is saying "i'm trying my damndest to hold a frothy mixture of lube and spooge in my santorum hole".

  112. SayItWithWookies

    Gary Shandling is asked if he had a reality tv show, what would it be?

    Um — doing Christopher Walken soliloquies?

  113. FakaktaSouth

    oh damn, I thought NM guy was gonna say I'm Stoned. And then I coulda been justified in having watching all of this…but he did just say something about Sarah Palin on her knees, so the remix of this fucker is going to be spectacular at least.

  114. mumbly_joe

    Mount Everest, eh? So you might say, in other words, that you've gotten pretty HIGH in your day, huh.

  115. SayItWithWookies

    Good lord — Herman Cain thinks he's giving the Gettysburg Address. Where did the baritone come from all of a sudden?

    1. CalamityJames

      "Where did the baritone come from all of a sudden?"
      There were a few white folks who hadn't left screaming.

  116. iburl

    Positionship? WTF Hermann Cain?

    Uggh nevermind I googled it…

    He makes up words like Shakespalin.

  117. DustBowlBlues

    I can safely say I wouldn't have watched the stinking pile of shit if it weren't for the wonkerattis' good company and Jack's self-sacrificing hosting. Evidently, it was so boring that even the trolls left.

  118. obfuscator2

    if johnson applied a cost/benefit analysis to his presidential run, he wouldn't be running, DOY.

  119. SayItWithWookies

    Gary Shandling — most boring secretly-cross-dressing Republican pothead to have declared so far.

  120. DustBowlBlues

    I've got an early day tomorrow, so later, Losers! It was swell and nitey nite.

  121. OzoneTom

    Things may be a bit awkward at the next House Crazy Caucus luncheon next time Ron bumps into Michele.

  122. DustBowlBlues

    Before I leave: will someone smash a watermelon in Frank Luntz' face? I hate the fucking piece of dog shit.

  123. Rasvar

    This panel on Hanity proves that white South Carolina is bat-shit crazy. They love Herman Cain.

    1. BarackMyWorld

      "Ok…now, show of hands: how many think the north started the War of Northern Aggression?"

      Same hands go up.

  124. BarackMyWorld

    The focus group on Fox News sounds like they were paid off by the Cain campaign.

  125. obfuscator2

    is this group EERILY similar to the reactions of dems in the primary last time around? "i didn't know about him before, but i really liked him after i heard him talk."

  126. DustBowlBlues

    I fucking quit. Herman Cain. They're crazy in SC. This time I'm leaving for real. But . . . these people are so fucking fucked in the head.

  127. FakaktaSouth

    Watching the abject honest shock on Luntz' oh so punchable face as these Sow'kerlina whiteys talk about the "articulate" Mr. Cain is just a treat.

    1. OhHellToTheNo

      I need Allen West, Alan Keyes and Herman Cain to duel in a match of "wits". Michael Steele will be forced to watch and think about what he's done.

  128. Rasvar

    If Herman Cain could win in South Carolina, just imagine if Skeletor/Rick Scott was running there. He get 103% of the vote!

  129. mumbly_joe

    So, in conclusion, nobody who skipped this really missed anything. Ron Paul was Ron Paul, Herman Cain was some black guy with no political experience who was there for diversity (it's not called affirmative action when Republicans do it!), Pawlentey was a low-rent Romney, Gary Johnson was Ron Paul trying to tack a little further to the left, and Santorum was a frothy mixture of etc.

  130. BarackMyWorld

    I'm going to go back in time and trademark the phrase "common sense" so politicians will stop saying it.

  131. BZ1

    Four days after Obama announced that a U.S. raid into Pakistan that he approved had killed Osama bin Laden, he's blasted on national security. Don't them fellas get tha… radio?!

  132. SayItWithWookies

    One amazing feature of this debate is that the real crazies — Palin, Bachmann, Huckabee, Trump, Gingrich — have yet to toss their tinfoil hats into the ring.

    1. OhHellToTheNo

      Big deal. It's not that hard to fall asleep once Pawlenty opens his mouth.

  133. El Pinche

    So who's king of America ? I decided to sip Tecate while watching 6 hrs of Walking Dead.

  134. mrblifil

    For me the high point was when Tim Pawlenty broke into song and treated us to his rendition of "Molasses to Rum to Slaves."

  135. metamarcisf

    Tim Pawlenty, quoted when he campaigned before a bunch of homeless people, moving their belongings into a shelter last week in Iowa: "I'd love to help you but I've got a weak back." "When did this problem first manifest itself?", called one of those unfortunate Americans in response. "Oh", replied Pawlenty, "about a week back."

  136. poncho_pilot

    i'm not going to dig through all six pages of this to see if it was mentioned or not, but some dickhead in the focus group is wearing a red bow tie and for some reason that really pisses me off.

  137. OhHellToTheNo

    Kudos to everyone who didn't fall asleep as soon as Tim Pawlenty opened his mouth. Especially since you know everyone had binged on a Godfather pizza feast provided by Herman Cain in order to woo the voters of whatever it is he is running for. It's not president, is it? That can't be right…

  138. OhHellToTheNo

    When asked about Tim Pawlenty, the entire state of Minnesota replied "Who? Sounds familiar. Was he that smelly kid from 3rd grade? Governor? Of this state? Was this in a movie or on teevee?"

  139. OhHellToTheNo

    It seems like showing up to this debate is pretty much a guarantee that you will not be around for the debate that people actually care about.

  140. DaRooster

    "Ronald Reagan was the greatest president ever?”

    Did y'all enjoy your tear shots?

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