Tonight, American history is made: it is the first time there in American history that there is no chance American history will be made. THE REPUBLICAN PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES ARE DEBATING. Well, five of them are. And not even any of the “good” ones, who, if you’re keeping score at home, are mediocre at best. And it’s on Fox News, so most of the questions will be variations on “Can we trust this communist terrorist to run the economy? Yes, no, or no and also Ronald Reagan was the greatest president ever?” Please refer to our drinking game so you don’t get boredom-onset seizures! Drinking will keep you busy. And this liveblog, which starts NOW.
9:00 PM — Haha, remember the last time we liveblogged? And Obama blew up that guy’s face? Yeah, these guys have no chance.
9:00 PM — Very scary into! Thank God we have these candidates to protect us from — Obama killing poor Osama bin Laden?
9:01 PM — “Here’s Ron Paul and the people who don’t have a job.”
9:03 PM — Orange tie? Is Pawlenty a New Democratic Party candidate? HE’S A CANADIAN TERROR BABY! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!
9:03 PM — We totally nailed this first question/answer. Drink!
9:04 PM — Haha, Herman Cain. “I would not release the photo of bin Laden. I would release a photo of a delicious pizza. Small business!”
9:05 PM — Santorum: Thank you, President Bush, for using your powers to force Obama to kill bin Laden. (Did Bush also make him pass Obamacare?)
9:06 PM — Ron Paul wearing his best tie. Just happens to be his Halloween tie. (Do they all have orange ties? Maybe the lighting is just weird.)
9:07 PM — Why aren’t other former pizza CEOs on the stage? Did Godfather’s Pizza sponsor this debate?
9:09 PM — Herman Cain does not know facts. He knows his grandmother’s old-country Italian food. That’s all he needs. Pizza pizza!
9:09 PM — Gary Johnson should probably not draw attention to the passage of time.
9:11 PM — Santorum just endorsed Islam.
9:12 PM — What was that weird sound Pawlenty made into the mic? Did he just remember who John Galt is?
9:14 PM — Chris Wallace is SO ANNOYED with your clapping, libertarians. Stop clapping or he will SIGH AT YOU.
9:15 PM — Ooh, Santorum went slightly over his beep! What a badass!
9:18 PM — Gary Johnson is really regretting sticking that bag of frozen peas in his pants.
9:19 PM — “Evangelical Christian / Married / Two Children.” We think the winner is going to be the one whose bio lists “Brought Gun Here.”
9:20 PM — Herman Cain: “We have all the oil we need here in America! Just get a napkin and soak it off our pizzas!”
9:22 PM — Yes let’s not drag health care out to Washington, DC, Pawlenty. And let’s move Medicare and Medicaid out to a ditch somewhere in middle-of-nowhere Wyoming.
9:24 PM — Santorum: Put people in charge of the entitlements! Scavenge food in the forest for yourselves, children on food stamps!
9:26 PM — Ron Paul’s been busy growing those eyebrows out the past few years.
9:27 PM — When did Eric Cantor start strumming away on that electric guitar? We didn’t see his arms move.
9:30 PM — Ahhhh, too much shit in that Santorum statement to even address. But did he just say the founders were anarchists?
9:32 PM — That is the first time anyone has cheering anything relating to the Federal Reserve. Except for that time Alan Greenspan did a striptease in a congressional hearing.
9:34 PM — Hermain Cain: “Who are your experts? The Noid? The Little Caesar’s guy? Figures!”
9:35 PM — Gary Johnson just drew attention to the fact that he is the biggest loser of these losers. “Ugh, give me questions! *DEBATE HANDSSSSSSSS!*”
9:36 PM — WHY ARE WE DEBATING MINNESOTA POLITICS? YOU JUST MADE THE BORING MORE SO.
9:38 PM — Gary Johnson: “We are on the verge of financial collapse, and I say that from the standpoint of being reduced to selling fake turquoise jewelry by the side of the road in my home state so I can buy food.”
9:39 PM — Haha, Rick Santorum’s dad beat him for not hating immigrants.
9:40 PM — Rick Santorum: “I fought my urge to learn Italian and accidentally turned into a Hispanic. Vote for me, taco people!”
9:42 PM — Rick Santorum has yet to address if his grandmother translated her delicious pizza recipe into English. GET ON THIS, CAIN.
9:44 PM — DEBATE WINNER UPDATE: Barack Obama still destroying it.
9:44 PM — Also, another debate winner: people who are watching something that is not this.
9:45 PM — Had the president listened to Pawlenty on Libya, he would have let Pawlenty be president.
9:46 PM — Santorum: We have tolerated a lot of this “Muslim stuff” from the Pakistanis, but it’s time they help us make abortion illegal.
9:48 PM — Herman Cain is imaging what a Ron Paul theme pizza would consist of.
9:49 PM — Thank God Scott Walker is here! Finally, somebody who can win the presidency.
9:50 PM — DEBATE WINNER UPDATE: the hookworms infesting Gary Johnson’s intestines.
9:54 PM — But seriously, where’s the white guy who runs the South Carolina Republican Party?
9:55 PM — Ron Paul: there should be no institution of marriage. Just make it a pre-nup and make it as capitalistic as possible.
9:56 PM — Herman Cain: DOMA was “signed in 191996.” Bill Clinton must have eaten a time-traveling ziti.
9:57 PM — Pawlenty: “I killed Rick Santorum’s baby. And I’d do it again in a second.”
10:00 PM — Rick Santorum: “If I didn’t have social issues to talk about, I would die. Mitch Daniels is trying to give me AIDS and kill me.”
10:00 PM — Those founding fathers must be pissed they still haven’t been able to get rid of abortion. WHAT’S YOUR PROBLEM, SANTORUM? HURRY UP.
10:03 PM — Ron Paul waving his arm around like that is making Herman Cain all PTSD about that time he almost got stabbed by a pepperoni.
10:04 PM — Pawlenty is not “anti-chicken.” So his title is “FORMER CEO OF CHIK-FIL-A”?
10:06 PM — Tim Pawlenty is very sorry that he once saw a baby deer and didn’t kick it.
10:07 PM — Tim Pawlenty calls past cap-ant-trade support “ham-fisted.” To Herman Cain, those are fighting words. (If you forgot from all our other jokes, Herman Cain is the pizza guy.)
10:08 PM — Rick Santorum’s mind is going to be blown when he hears about stay-at-home dads.
10:09 PM — Why does Rick Santorum hate working? Does he want all women to be welfare queens?
10:11 PM — “Now everybody raise their hands if they would use heroin if Ron Paul made it legal. Okay.”
10:13 PM — Look at that face! Gary Johnson is totally lying about smoking pot. He wouldn’t know where to get it even if he could afford it.
10:15 PM — Herman Cain thinks the next president will be the one who “projects the most amount of leadership strenth.” So congrats to the 45th president of the United States, Zordon the floating face from Power Rangers.
10:16 PM — DEBATE WINNER UPDATE: After all this, you know what still sounds really good all the time? Pizza.
10:18 PM — Tim Pawlenty says we need a president who sticks true to his word. “So don’t vote for me! I fucked up on that cap-and-trade thing!”
10:19 PM — Did you see that graphic? Gingrich did not get a state and Trump didn’t get a state OR an “(R).” Fox News just deported Gingrich and Trump! And told a little truth about Trump.
10:20 PM — Oh hooray this thing is almost over.
10:22 PM — Haha, this debate is so lame there’s a category about the candidates who didn’t bother to show up.
10:23 PM — Herman Cain: “Mitt Romney is a loser and I get free pizza for life. Need I say more?”
10:24 PM — Ron Paul forgot who Michele Bachmann is. Good for him.
10:25 PM — Rick Santorum on Gingrich: “Stand up for the truth and let the [mistresses] fall where they may.” Now, if Gingrich was a woman.
10:26 PM — Gary Johnson: “I have a lot of time on my hands… Wait, let me butt back in! I REALLY have a lot of time on my hands!”
10:27 PM — Herman Cain just said we need “leadership” not “positionship.” PUT HIM IN CHARGE OF ALL THE PIZZA. HE CAN HANDLE IT.
10:30 PM — DEBATE WINNER UPDATE: yeah, it was those Gary Johnson hookworms. Congrats, you guys! You did it! Good night.
10:33 PM — WAIT! BREAKING! WE STILL HAVE FOX NEWS ON AND THE FRANK LUNTZ FOCUS GROUP OF WHITE PEOPLE JUST SAID HERMAN CAIN WON BY A LANDSLIDE. People really fucking like pizza. Stop underestimating that, Beltway media!