Your Official First GOP Presidential Debate Drinking Game

 
 We will be liveblogging tonight's Republican presidential debate which airs at 9 pm ET on the world's only television channel, Fox News. It will be the DEBATE OF THE CENTURY, if suddenly everyone else on the planet dies and lame people like Tim Pawlenty are the only human beings to exist for the rest of the century. Here's a handy drinking game to get you through the tedium:

Whenever somebody praises President Obama for getting bin Laden: take one shot, to the head

If they quickly follow that up by giving credit to President Bush for getting bin Laden: knock back one shot of detainee blood

Whenever somebody says the War on Terror is not over until we kill all the Al Qaedas: soak an American flag in beer and wring it out in your mouth

Whenever Herman Cain says the word "pizza": take two shots of melted mozzarella and e-mail Papa John's founder John Schnatter an image of him having sex with an animal of your choice

Whenever Herman Cain compares rolling out new pizza toppings to accomplishments he will make as president: take two shots of garlic butter, laugh at how this silly man successfully ran a pizza company, and mail $5 to the destitute failure Papa John's corporation, whose revenues decreased $1.13 billion last fiscal year

If the Ron Paul fans cheer for something stupid: offer your dog a drink of water but pull it away at the last second and scream at her, "That's not how the world works, COLLECTIVIST!"

If the moderator asks Gary Johnson to differentiate himself from Ron Paul or vice versa: liquify a shot's worth of paper money and ask yourself who John Galt is

Whenever Tim Pawlenty looks flustered: take a shot, film yourself shooting off a small firework at your teevee, and send it to his campaign for the next "exciting" video

Whenever Rick Santorum turns a question that is not about abortion into a question about abortion: drink a shot of holy water, tell your children you're disappointed at them for not testing your devotion to life by almost killing their mother with pregnancy complications, and send them to their bedrooms to await corporal punishment after the debate

Whenever a candidate accuses Obama of being weak on jobs or the economy: survey the man's poll ratings and take a sip of champagne

LIGHTNING ROUND:

Rick Santorum mentions his wife's miscarriage: drink five shots of embryonic stem cells

Ron Paul alludes to walking in on all the other candidates sucking each other off in the bathroom: glance around nervously and drink a whole Bud Lite, as that is what normal straight guys do all the time

Somebody acknowledges the existence of John McCain: Drink 103 shots