can't get a cab when you're in the womb

Rep. Chris Smith: Fetuses ‘Most Persecuted Minority In the World’

The real abortion 'business.'The House passed the No Taxpayer Funding For Abortion Act yesterday evening by a 251-175 vote. This has no chance of becoming law, but considering Republicans have promised to make abortion illegal since Roe v. Wade was decided 40 years ago, it’s not like they’ve really ever planned on banning it. If they did ban it, where would they get all those single-issue voters and campaign cash they depend on? People who hate gays? Those folks are dying off pretty quickly. Bill sponsor Rep. Chris Smith, the guy who originally stuck something into this bill that would define for women the “correct” way to have been raped if they hoped to get an abortion, said on the House floor that “some of our politicians, while they talked about human rights, never lifted a finger to protect the most persecuted minority in the world: the child in the womb.” Of course.

Because if there’s one person who knows which minority group is persecuted the most, it’s a rich white male Republican politician. The line comes at the end of his remarks:

Let’s skip trying to find out who wins the contest for “world’s most persecuted” for a second, despite the glaring contenders for that prize, and decide if fetuses are persecuted at all. Well, what are fetuses? They are tiny little beings that lounge around all day doing absolutely nothing while they leech all their nutrients off their host human. A fetus doesn’t even feed itself, much less get off its ass and get a job. Sure, it doesn’t have the right to vote, but neither do children or teenagers, and at least most of them have the decency not to roll around in their own waste for months on end.

Even when Republican legislators try to force fetuses to testify about their “plight,” the fetuses refuse to cooperate. When was the last time fetuses held a protest march? They’ve “endured” their plum position for millennia without complaint.

But you’d better watch out, fetuses: if conservatives start to treat you the way they treat other minorities, you’re in big trouble. [Raw Story]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef
What Others Are Reading

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

189 comments

    1. horsedreamer_1

      For sign-makers, yes. Which would explain why so many GOP state legislators are "small businessman" operating "print-shoppes".

          1. Swampgas_Man

            You can follicle some of the people all of the time, and follicle all the people some of the time. . . .

    2. SorosBot

      Come now, the abortion debate has creating many jobs in the field of bumper sticker manufacture.

    3. Gopherit

      somehow, all of these extra babies working at mcdonalds getting the shit taxed out of them equals profit. SAVE THE FETI!

    1. nounverb911

      But doesn't Mother Nature do useful things like burning Texas to the ground?

      1. OneDollarJuana

        Don't forget her cleansing brooms of Arkansan tornadoes. And the washing out of the Bible Belt by the occasional flood or hurricane.

    2. DahBoner

      "Mother Nature who aborts 2/3 of all feeti"

      But that's natural, God's will, and all that.

      You know, like heart attacks, cancer and diabetes!

      No way would we try to intervene and change God's will, amirite?

      1. horsedreamer_1

        But that's natural, God's will, and all that.

        You know, like heart attacks, cancer and diabetes!

        This is why Paul Ryan, Christian Scientist*, can do away with Medicare with a clear conscience.

        *Not intended to be a factual statement.

    3. Dashboard_Jesus

      well yer correct on the percentage but it's actually that rich old white guy who lives in a gated community someplace in the clouds (Gawd?) who's responsible, cuz he hates the women…EVE WUZ FRAMED!!!

  1. jjdaddyo

    I thought the World's Most Persecuted Minority was Congressmen who cruise Craig's List and Airport Bathrooms… was I wrong?
    Or are they a majority now?

    1. jjdaddyo

      "… and in conclusion Mr. Speaker, when it comes to the rights of unborn fetuses to cruise the "TG Wanted for BDSM and light house cleaning" section on Craig's List, my stance is as wide as the Rock of Gibralter…"

  2. Moonbat

    It's kind of cute how the Republicans keep passing bills that (a) aren't going to become law, but (b) frighten or piss off millions of people while (c) not making the people who vote for them any more likely to vote for them. I mean, if you're an anti-abortion zealot, you're already voting Republican, and if you aren't, this kind of shit will freak you out.

    Great strategery, is what I'm saying.

    1. mumbly_joe

      They're also passing laws that are consistent with their notions of private enterprise and keeping government bureacrats out of medical decisions, by which I mean, Republicans are complete shitbags.

      Seriously, whatever happened to "it's your money, you know how to spend it best"? Even the bill's name only makes sense if you decide that it's really all the government's money, at some point.

  3. mookwrthwilson

    And the holder of the youtube account wins the wussbag award for not allowing comments. I wanted to tell them about how I was willing to eat all the unwanted fetuses.

    1. Dashboard_Jesus

      that's ok, I sent the asshole a *personal* message outlining in detail what a hateful fucking moron he is!

  4. anniegetyerfun

    Fetuses take NO PERSONAL RESPONSBILITY FOR THEIR ACTIONS. And you know how Republicans feel about personal responsibility*. Fetuses just take and take, and never give back to society.

    *Republicans don't care -about responsibility, or they wouldn't constantly fuck beings other than their spouses. They just like to use the term to get old white people to think about "welfare queens" and freak out about public spending.

    1. DarwinianDemon

      That's right! No one made them decide to take up residency in the egg as sperm. This is just the housing crisis all over again—apparently caused by minorities-AGAIN.

      1. anniegetyerfun

        It's time that we build a wall to keep them out. Of our vaginas or something.

        They might have already created such a wall and packaged them in foil, but Republicans don't like teh condumbz.

  5. Cat_Damon

    'They’ve “endured” their plum position for millennia without complaint.'

    6 millenia, to be exact.

  6. memzilla

    How to cross this lake of Republitard stupidity? Use a boat, or walk across it?

    /end gratuitous Roe v. Wade analogy

  7. Eve8Apples

    "They are tiny little beings that lounge around all day doing absolutely nothing while they leech all their nutrients off their host human. A fetus doesn’t even feed itself, much less get off its ass and get a job."

    So, are we discussing Palin's hookworms or her children.

        1. horsedreamer_1

          Snooki is just old enough to have avoided Obama's tanning-bed-tax during her prime skin-cancer-years.

        2. GOPCrusher

          Heard this AM that Snooki does not want to be known by that nickname anymore. Sources close to the Situation say she may be eyeing a run for Attorney General of New Jersey.

          1. horsedreamer_1

            Will she still go by a diminuitive, though? Her name's Nicole, & going as Nikki worked for the Governor of South Carolina.

  8. mumbly_joe

    Well, what are fetuses? They are tiny little beings that lounge around all day doing absolutely nothing while they leech all their nutrients off their host human. A fetus doesn’t even feed itself, much less get off its ass and get a job. Sure, it doesn’t have the right to vote, but neither do children or teenagers, and at least most of them have the decency not to roll around in their own waste for months on end.

    All of a sudden, something tells me we're about to get a second round of warblogging.

    1. horsedreamer_1

      I've still just got "giving up on gay men?" as the advertisting on this page. Somehow, too, I don't think they are that worried over pregnancy, the gay advocacy groups, so no worries about ad boycotts.

      1. mumbly_joe

        Oh no! We already lost Pappa John's sponsorship; can we afford to lose Daddy Jim's too???

        **Mad-libs-style alternate joke below**

        Oh no! We already lost Huggies' sponsorship; can we also afford to lose Brawny???

        1. memzilla

          Brawny is Koch Industries. And for some reason, they don't make Fetus-Sized Diapers.

          1. mumbly_joe

            Dammit, you're right. Does this mean I'll have to come up with a new brand to fill out my docket of "products with names evocative of teh homosex"?

  9. anniegetyerfun

    I'm not persecuting my fetus, I am redistricting its boundaries. The new district just so happens to be located outside of my uterus.

  10. samsuncle

    Personally, I liked my kids better when they were fetuses. At least I knew where they were every nite.

    1. GOPCrusher

      My former fetus turned 24 today and is not a single mom nor had an unwanted pregnancy. And has verifiable employment.
      That puts me above Sarah Palin on the Morality Scale.

  11. pinkocommi

    I plan to start smoking crack and go on a tequila-and-raw-fish-only diet when I get pregnant, just to do what I can to make Chris Smith's statement that fetuses are the "‘Most Persecuted Minority In the World’" true.

    1. anniegetyerfun

      Don't forget to enjoy soft cheeses! Apparently those are off the safe foods list or something, too. Slab of brie on top of some seared ahi, followed by a menthol cigarette? Bliss.

  12. nounverb911

    Did Smith explain whether the fetus’ conception was immaculate or just really neat?

  13. Cicada

    If fetuses want to be treated equally, they should grow some functioning lungs and pull themselves up by their umbilicus.

    And before you accuse me of being a fetusphobe, I'll have you know that some of my best friends are pink and slimy.

    1. Gopherit

      Really, if jesus wanted fetuses to live he would give them functional lungs, just like poor people and medicaid.

    2. Doktor Zoom

      You know, I certainly haven't heard any of these so-called "moderate" fetuses step forward to condemn the terrorists.

  14. baconzgood

    These fuckin' fetus people. They come over to this country live off welfare, steal our jobs, get food stamps, cause crime rates to sky rocket……Build that damn wall around the fundus already.

  15. BZ1

    Doesn't it seem that the Repub's concerns for the fetus stops at birth… then it's back to the let's stop funding for any of them fancy child services…

  16. edgydrifter

    According to the GOP, fetuses (feti?) should have more representation in DC than the adult citizens of DC.

  17. DahBoner

    "Bill sponsor Rep. Chris Smith, the guy who originally stuck something into this bill that would define for women the “correct” way to have been raped if they hoped to get an abortion"

    I suppose being gang-raped by dolphins is not the "correct" way to get raped?

    (…sobs…)

  18. horsedreamer_1

    Of course the the GOP would want to prize fetuses: every fetus springs from a Boehner.

  19. JoshuaNorton

    the most persecuted minority in the world: the child in the womb

    From the "just make shit up as you go along" school of thought.

    1. PsycWench

      I have a hard time with the idea of the fetus as a minority. Does this mean that birth control is genocide?

  20. Buzz Feedback

    I thought white, Christian, males were the most persecuted minority in the world.

  21. Trannysurprise

    Who is the leader of the oppressed fetuses?

    Jarbra/Gabriel Santorum 2012!

  22. Redhead

    Don't you have to be an actual PERSON before you can be a persecuted person?

    Nevermind the women, who are ACTUALLY people (despite Repugnicants' best efforts lately) and who are routinely persecuted by Republicans trying to pass laws making miscarriage punishable by death, deciding what constitutes the rape of a woman's body for women, deciding that abortion shouldn't be legal in some situations because women can't make that decision for themselves and might later regret it, who value the lives of a small grouping of cells who MIGHT develop into a person if they don't become one of the approximately 2/3 such groupings which naturally become a miscarriage (chemical miscarriage, I think the term is), often before the woman even knows she's pregnant, over that of a woman, and who routinely attempt to take away women's access to health care and their right to make decisions about their lives and bodies. No, women aren't people worthy of equal treatment – certainly not at the expense of that small grouping of cells and SPERM!!!! which MIGHT, maybe one day if you're lucky though statistically probably not, become a baby which you can then yell at for using too much government money.

    1. SorosBot

      Silly women, thinking they are people! No, they are man's property, and a receptacle for a man's manly sperm, in wingnut world.

  23. anniegetyerfun

    Because if there’s one person who knows which minority group is persecuted the most, it’s a rich white male Republican politician.

    Given that they perform 99% of the world's persecuting, I can sort of see how this might be true.

  24. SayItWithWookies

    If fetuses really were a persecuted minority, then Republicans wouldn't be lifting a finger trying to help them. So clearly fetuses are rich and privileged and run the world. In which case, their tyrannical hegemony over the common man cannot be tolerated. Therefore, we as a nation should be funding and encouraging abortions to free us from the yoke of our fetus overlords. Why these GOPers can't even keep their own logic straight is a mystery.

  25. PabaBritannica

    They should just go all out. Pass a Fetus-Americans Affirmative Action Bill. Mandate Fetus-American Studies programs at colleges.

    I can't wait til we see Fetus Entertainment Television.

    1. Doktor Zoom

      You needed that job, and you were the best qualified, but they had to give it to a fetus, because of a fetus quota. Is that really fair?

  26. Gopherit

    Worst part, even if they sing spirituals about their oppression, you can't hear them without the sonogram.

    1. anniegetyerfun

      We shall rip your ladybits! We shall rip your ladybits! We shall shatter your vaj somedaaaaay! Oh, oh, deep in my as-of-yet-undeveloped-heart, I do believe….

      But all you hear from outside the eggshell is "gurgle".

  27. Come here a minute

    Jesus, I thought you people had a little bit of respect for those who are different from you.

    They prefer to be called Fetus-Americans.

  28. mumbly_joe

    Wow, it's like Pearl Harbor up in here. Here, let me help shoot down a few of those Zeroes.

    1. nounverb911

      That shouldn't be too hard, especially if they were the ones my father-in-law helped build during WWII.

    2. Doktor Zoom

      I wonder if there's any connection between the downfist scripts and the crappy performance of the commenting system today?

      Even if there isn't, can I assume there is and then claim I'm bein' repressed? Come and see the violence inherent in the system!

  29. BZ1

    Anytime I hear one of these partisan feebs regurgitate the screed of Obamacare instead of the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act, I regurgitate as well…

    1. GOPCrusher

      Full protection for fetuses! Once you're out of the womb, you're on your own!

    2. ShaveTheWhales

      That's a good point. I've heard a number of reasonably media-savvy Dems refer to it as the "Affordable Care Act". We maybe should do the same. That's a pretty good name.

  30. meufchelou

    If you ladies would just wear your vaginal slings, this wouldn't be a problem now, would it?

    1. Limeylizzie

      I went with the vaginal cast instead, so everyone who dropped by could sign it.

  31. anniegetyerfun

    Given that his mother obviously drank a good deal while Smith was in the womb, I can see how he feels persecuted.

  32. mavenmaven

    Why stop there, I think numerically the most persecuted and abused minority is, by this reasoning sperm. Stop all funding for gym socks!!!

  33. baconzgood

    "persecuted minority in the world", Ok then buddy
    1) stop cutting food stamps for poor pregnant women
    2) Don't destroy planned parent hood that helps women make health decisions
    3) Let women have better health care.
    4) Institute drug programs in stead of prisions for addicted pregnant woman
    5) stop being a douche bag

    Then we can talk. As for me I don't think they are persecuted enough so it's tummy punchin time for Baconz.

  34. baconzgood

    Didn't Mel Torme scat a song called The Most Persecuted Minority In the World?

  35. fartknocker

    This is the same fucknut who wanted to redfine rape so he could advance his cause against abortion. I again repeat myself to every fucktard legislator in Washington D.C. or Austin, Texas: keep your hands, morality and religious convictions away from my wife and daughter. Stick to the important issues like:

    –Jobs
    –Getting us out of two wars
    –TSA and all its security theatre
    –Terrorism
    –Debt
    –Education of all of our youth

    And since I'm telling you what I want, let's legalize some Mary Jane on 4-20 next year and see how that helps mellow out folks and solve the budget.

    Go to work shit stain and give us a report in 90 days telling what you accomplished. Hint: not one fucking thing.

  36. widestanceroman

    Even if gay haters die off, abortion will remain the shiniest object in the room for some.

  37. Mahousu

    Actually, he's right. Did you know a bunch of congressmen voted to cut funding for prenatal care and nutrition programs for pregnant women? These guys obviously have it in for fetuses! I'm talking about guys like, uh, Rep. Chris Smith.

    1. Gopherit

      Hey, those fetuses have to do something for themselves. Once they cross that cervix line, they better be chewing through their umbilical cords to get to their service jobs. You think the rich are gonna pay taxes?

  38. Extemporanus

    The discriminatory "Separate but Equal" clause dividing fetal and fecal Americans is a taint on our Constitution that must be repealed now!

  39. donner_froh

    Since the Negro who occupies the White House only got there through affirmative action, quotas and special consideration for minorities then a fetus shoule benefit from the same law and become President of the United States of Amerikkka.

  40. tiredalways

    Sure, it doesn’t have the right to vote, but neither do children or teenagers, and at least most of them have the decency not to roll around in their own waste for months on end.

    Apparently, you have never met my brother.

  41. SilverFox

    Jack in fairness to the Republicans of the 1970s, not all of them were fighting Roe v. Wade from the get-go. Gerald Ford was pro-choice. And he and Betty Ford, championed the Equal Rights Amendment for the lady-folk. My oh my how times have changed.

    Once again, credit belongs to St. Ronnie for co-opting those knuckle-dragging Moral Majority types. The rest as they say is history. Vote Republican in 2012. Tax cuts and fetuses!

    1. WriteyWriterton

      Time for a Lee Atwater shout-out here. Lee, btw, welcomed OBL to the Hell in which I wish I believed. They will be bunking together with other divisive destructive narcissists.

  42. Gopherit

    Unless he went to the Santorum "Happy Birthday, don't putrefy too soon" party for his fetus-son.

  43. Gopherit

    I am waiting for the republicans to start taxing fallow uteruses. Remember ladies, it's why Jesus put you here.

  44. jus_wonderin

    I am not gonna drink from a fountain that a fetus has just used. Haayyl No!

  45. mumbly_joe

    Rep. Smith calls it "abortion", I call it, "ending the culture of dependency". Get off the plantation, fetuses!

    1. WriteyWriterton

      Older ex-fetus would agree as to "AD." Not sure of ex-f's view on "Firefly."

  46. Doktor Zoom

    Shirley Sherrod bragged about not helping a fetus, and the NAACP crowd roared its approval.

  47. GOPCrusher

    And why are they trying to force fetus rights down our throats, if they are a minority?

  48. Doktor Zoom

    Seems like every time you turn around, the Fetus Lobby is trying to cram some part of its Fetus Lifestyle down our throats!

  49. Mort_Sinclair

    Because 60 percent of all fertilized eggs wash out in menses, females in America should send their used tampons to Rep. Smith and ask him to conduct a proper funeral for the "dead child."

    1. GOPCrusher

      Rick Santorum can take them home. That shouldn't leave too many emotional scars on the children.

      1. Mort_Sinclair

        Haha! I've offended somebody's sensibilities–they gave me a thumbs' down! Yes!

        I think they can probably put them in a big pickle jar, sort of like Barbara Bush. Easy storage. Just sayin'.

        1. mumbly_joe

          It's almost as though they don't get that offending their sensibilities is like 60% of the *point* of Wonkette.

          1. Cicada

            And the other 40% is making jokes about buttsecks and furries. Oh, and diaper fetishes.

  50. anniegetyerfun

    I wouldn't, either. I mean, some of my best friends are fetuses, but still.

  51. ganmerlad

    If pro-lifer’s had to care for every unwanted child, they would shut up. I have never understood that. They insist a fetus has to live, but once born, they want no responsibility. Once born, the child is on their own, often growing up (at the least) resented, or (at the most) in horrendous conditions. That breeds people full of hate. People full of hate make the rest of us miserable. Pro-lifers should put up space in their own families, or shut up about deciding if the time is right.

    For once, I would love to hear a conservative view thought all the way through instead of it simply being a rallying chant. I won’t hold my breath.

  52. ganmerlad

    If pro-lifer's had to care for every unwanted child, they would back off. That's something I have never understood. They insist a fetus has to live, but once born, they want no responsibility. Once born, the child is on their own, often growing up (at the least) resented, or (at the most) in horrendous conditions. That breeds people full of hate. People full of hate make the rest of us miserable. Pro-lifers should put up space in their own families for these children, or shut up about deciding if the time is right for those who aren't ready.

    For once, I would love to hear a conservative view thought all the way through instead of it simply being a rallying chant. I won't hold my breath.

  53. Beck_is_Trig

    Okay so I shook off my old nickname like a snake shedding skin (oddly appropriate metaphor considering the subjects of my new nickname) because teabaggers are lost, but they no longer matter. By the way, I think my nickname could be the title for Jerome Corsi's next "fact-based" book; it's on his wavelength.

    Now, as to this little douchebag….you want to know what's harrowing for me to see displays like this? People vote for this guy…and he's childish, so, so childish. He's fucking old, too. Why do people vote for this old, childish douchenut? I guess that's my question…I can't think of any more appropriate question to express my existential confusion over this walking conundrum….

    1. ganmerlad

      I actually thought about this earlier today. I am positive that this guy and other conservatives (insecure white men) in general don't give a shit about 'unborn babies', but they do give a big shit about loosing the right to make decisions about anything that involves them. The entire conservative movement is about keeping (or fear of loosing) personal power and this fight in particular is simply a gender war. The fact a woman can decide on her own whether to keep a child or not is infuriating to these people. That ass at the podium realizes that there is a good chance a woman wouldn't want to have a child with him. So he wants to outlaw her ability to decide. Do you follow?

      It isn't about life, it is about who decides. If it was a bad time for *him* to have a child, he would INSIST on an abortion. In his mind, it should be up to him, period.

      I don't think he is childish, I think he is a lying hypocritical wanker. The conundrum to me is how women and minorities can be "conservative" unless they are masochistic/brainwashed.

  54. politics_nerd

    Are these goddamned stupid motherfucking idiots too goddamned fucking dumb to realize or already know that the goddamned fucking son-of-a-bitch cockstained HYDE Amendment exists? I mean, really.

  55. padremickey

    Fetuses are like the Christians of the second century. Everbuddy alla time persecutes them. YOU try to get a fetus to offer incense to the genius of the Emperor. I dares ya!!

  56. DustBowlBlues

    Jesus. Turned on Hardball and those two moms are on. The Muslin lady and the one who understands how it feels to lose a son but also sympathizes with persecuting people like the Muslin firefighter who died. fuck me.

    But I digress: The fetuses better enjoy the Republitards' love because the mother who didn't want them in the first place isn't going to get any (including WIC that would actually feed the fetus something vaguely healthy) and the second they're born, they're not go to get any, either.

  57. PuckStopsHere

    "You wanted that job. You deserved that job. But they gave it to a fetus."

  58. ShaveTheWhales

    Aha. Easy answer.

    They'll get borned, and then we won't give a shit about them.

Comments are closed.