predestined for a copy machine

Michele Bachmann Delegates Hiring Her Campaign Team To God


Hey, you lazy jerks, why haven’t you been pestering God in your daily prayers to hurry up and assemble Michele Bachmann’s campaign staff? Yes, He’s a busy Guy these days, dealing with the fallout over His decision to put Osama bin Laden on holy trial right in the middle of heaven rather than making it a military tribunal in a secret location on Earth. But Bachmann needs to get her campaign going! What, do you want her to recruit and interview people for these jobs?

Bachmann: Well I’ve let people know that in June I will be making that decision and quite literally I am asking your listeners now to please pray for me and my husband and my team. We’re in the process of planning an office decision; we’re putting our team together. Ask that the Lord will give us a special anointing on how to put our team together, who those team people will be, that He would bring those people to us. Because it won’t be easy, it will be a very, very difficult fight. But if this is something that the Lord has called us to, He will make a way where there is no way, and so we’re asking for that prayer.

Somebody really hates HR work!

Stop watching teevee, America, and tell God he needs to get off his lazy ass and find Bachmann a campaign staff within the next few weeks. She’s interviewed a few people, but none of them walked into her office wide-eyed and reeking of foul chemicals telling her an angel told them in a vision to work on this presidential campaign, which is what her main qualification is. [Right Wing Watch]

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161 comments

  1. BZ1

    "please pray for me and my husband and my team" and pray for anyone who votes for Michele (sorry for being sacrilegious) …

  2. WriteyWriterton

    I have lost the capacity to be amazed by anything Ol' Crazy Eyes says. She's right-wing, evangelical, and fact-free – a trifecta of fail.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      I'm going to send Michele my resume (which cites *actual* experience in public relations and advertising – in teevee, no less!) and a very sincerely worded cover letter to the effect that G_d spoke to me and said that I have been chosen to head up her campaign, as well as serve very closely on her personal security detail. That last part I'll try to word in a subtle but undeniably creepy way.

      I'll let you all know if I get an interview.

  3. Preferred Customer

    I pray that this is the last time I will ever read the words "Michele Bachmann" and "special anointing" in the same story.

    1. Steverino247

      Step number two: Jewish carpenter to take the rap for her campaign's sins and failures.

      1. DahBoner

        You know, it's hard to find a decent Jewish carpenter these days, but I found one in Ashville that gives free estimates: http://www.thejewishcarpenter.com/

        And be sure to ask him how much he would charge God for the same job (he quotes Colossians 3:23-24):

        "And whatever you do, do it with all your heart as to the LORD and not to man; knowing that it is a reward you will receive from the LORD, it is the Lord Christ you serve."

    2. Gopherit

      I thought Christine O'Donnell would be perfect. If anyone has a financial hotline to Jesus, it's her.

  4. baconzgood

    "special anointing"? Yeah I was feeling a little frisky this morning and the lil' lady got a "special anointing".

        1. WriteyWriterton

          Are we the first "Anointers"? Produce the long-form anointing certificate!

  5. Tengu

    So if she loses it proves there is no God? But if she wins it proves there is no God.

    1. GOPCrusher

      I pray every day that she be stricken dead with a bolt of lightning or some flesh eating staph infection, and it hasn't happened yet.
      There is no God.

    2. JustPixelz

      They always let god off the hook by saying "he heard our prayers but chose not to answer them", or something about closing Windows and buying a Mac.

  6. fuflans

    the arrogance of the godly. simply breathtaking.

    seriously, fuck these people.

    1. Fukui_sanYesOta

      It's worse, I think.

      It's the cynical lunatics attempting to exploit the arrogance of the godly.

      Fuck each and every one*.

      * Not literally, the sex would probably be awful

  7. Rosie_Scenario

    God helps those who help themselves . . .

    God help those who vote for Michele . . .

  8. WriteyWriterton

    Well, to be fair, Judas falsified his HR questionnaire and got someone to supply him with clean urine for the drug-drop.

      1. WriteyWriterton

        He/she/it/they/void is a big-picture-CEO-type. Like Reagan and W. Lacks an eye for detail.

    1. Steverino247

      If you believe the Jews, he opened lots of leadership positions in the Egyptian Army some time ago…

      1. DahBoner

        "If you believe the Jews…"

        Yeah, isn't it amazing that Teabaggers believe there is a "Jewish conspiracy" in the media, but they believe anything an ignorant O.T. Jewish goat herder, who had no idea the world was round ("the earth has four corners") scrawled on some paper made from reeds…

        1. Steverino247

          They also mistrust the government unless said government says symbols of their favorite religion are OK to put on government property.

  9. Doktor Zoom

    A spokesman for the Almighty said that He had a backlog of prayers to answer regarding starvation, disease, lost children, and sporting contests, and politely suggested that Ms. Bachman might consider "choosing her own staff like the other grownups in the room."

    1. V572625694

      Not to mention requests from kids who didn’t study for tomorrow’s final.

  10. HempDogbane

    "Special annointing" is a sly dogwhistle reference to santorum that only people in certain parts of Minnesota and other wingnut locations get. This will cause them to send money.

    1. Sue4466

      Or, she's gonna go the Ashcroft route and have Clarence Thomas pour cooking oil are her head.

  11. DashboardBuddha

    Probably a better idea to ask God to assemble the remaining brain cells into something resembling a coherent mind.

    1. WriteyWriterton

      Well, this brings us to the "Can god make a stone so heavy he/she/it/they can't lift it?" conundrum/cul de sac.

      1. WriteyWriterton

        But no exposed-breast sculptures. Not when Sack-cloth-and-Ash-croft is around.

      2. kissawookiee

        In fact, Michelle should just go ahead and hire Wackenhut for the job. HR consulting, ass-based bartending, and really special anointing, all in one very classy package. Private enterprise, also.

  12. BarackMyWorld

    Lord, grant her the wisdom to realize she has no business trying to become president.

  13. walstib

    Dear Vindictive Sky Ghost: Please give Mrs. Bachmann what she deserves.

    Hint hint: anal warts.

    Amen.

  14. Poindexter718

    Has she retained God for these executive searches or is he just working on contingency?

  15. BaldarTFlagass

    Maybe it'll be the Old Testament God that answers her prayers, and her staff will consist of a swarm of locusts and a plague of frogs.

  16. nappyduggs

    "What, do you want her to recruit and interview people for these jobs? "
    Back in the high school, we seniors had to attend a couple of workshops on how to be a successful job interviewee. Lesson the first was "maintain solid eye contact in order to connect with your interviewer." Dear me, can you imagine if your poor child's first job interview was with this fruit basket? My boys would have my blessing to live in my basement until age 30 or until they stopped twitching long enough to sign up for SSI, whichever happens first.

    1. Ohforcripessake

      I doubt she can even see us regular folk. She's too stoked on teh stoopid.

  17. fuflans

    i wish we knew more about our shy little troll pet.

    that way we could talk more personally to him, you know?

    1. WriteyWriterton

      Would be a waste of time, but not as much a waste of time as what we do here ourselves, which makes the trolling even odder.

    2. mull_man

      Is it possible that some wing nut script kiddie has unleased a downfisting spider upon wonkette? Given some of the behavior, it has that pattern. Whatever the case, I still of the opinion that p-ness is a pea-brained concept.

    3. baconzgood

      You don't want to do that. I can introduce you to his political doppelganger. His name is Norm and is my ex-father-in law

  18. Goonemeritus

    I’m praying my ass off that she runs and wins the primary, you go Michele.

  19. undeterredbyreality

    "Ask that the Lord will give us a special anointing on how to put our team together…"

    Maybe He can get Cheney to take them hunting with him.

  20. __kth__

    special anointing = Jesus bukkake

    (steps gingerly to avoid being struck by lightning)

  21. baconzgood

    Michele Bachmann’s staff comes in Michele Bachmann’s staff goes out you can't explain that.

  22. Papa_Uniform

    Michele proves yet again the only thing crazier than she is, are the people who vote for her.

    1. tiredalways

      Nobody ever saw Bachman & Osama in the same room.umhhm..something to think about

  23. littlebigdaddy

    "Annoint" comes from the Latin (via French) word inunguere, "to smear." So, what I think she really wants/needs is a bagel.

  24. jodyleek

    Special anointing? What the hell is that? Shouldn't we be asking a "special anointing" on all the children who are starving or dying of malaria or abuse or something? Does God only do super-duper extra cool favors for total whack-jobs? For Crap's sakes, she's already gotten her precious "anointing" – she has a job, health care, a nice home, transportation and plentiful food and drink. What the hell else does she want? It's better than most all the folks on Earth have. "Special anointing" – I hope an anvil falls on her thick skull.

    1. AJW@[redacted]

      Bad form, as broken anvils are particularly unuseful for much of anything.

    2. PsycWench

      I wish I could give you ten thumbs up. If prayer actually worked, there's a long line of people I'd pray for before praying for Michele Bachmann (to shut up).

      1. jodyleek

        Thanks, PW. You're appreciation gave me a Chris Matthew's-like tingle down my leg.

  25. Gopherit

    " Ask that the Lord will give us a special anointing on how to put our team together, who those team people will be, that He would bring those people to us. "

    Lazy bitch. It's like Jesus is right-wing welfare.

    1. genxr

      That's a wonketeer's cue to show up and say, "Well, I'm here, sent by an invisible sky man."

    1. bureaucrap

      wish I could give you multiple upfists for that. One is going to have to do.

  26. SayItWithWookies

    If I had the worst employee retention record in Congress, even I might be trying to turn that shit over to The LORD, were I inclined to such idiocy. But Michele strikes me as one of them folks what asks His guidance for every damn thing, starting with over easy or scrambled in the morning, and doesn't relent until she begs him to keep the critters from coming through the hole in the screen door at night. Honey, if The LORD took the trouble to exist and then decided to be your goddamn copilot, the first thing He would say to you is "Just 'cause I'm in the seat beside yours doesn't mean you can close your goddamn eyes from takeoff to landing, dumbass." He'd probably be wearing a parachute, too.

    1. WriteyWriterton

      Noise-suppressing headphones, too, if he was sitting next to the (Dis)Honorable Gentlewoman from Woebegonland.

  27. SorosBot

    Right now, god's a little too busy determining who wins the NBA and NHL playoffs to help Michele pick her campaign staff.

    1. GOPCrusher

      Chuckalicious to hear the Alabama tornado victims on NPR, praising God for saving them despite the fact the same God just distributed your house and all your belongings over a six county area.

  28. RedneckMuslin

    Well, if you need divine intervention to do your job then I guess you're not qualified.

    1. SayItWithWookies

      Since Adam, the LORD's chosen have been a series of incompetent fools. Abraham couldn't even tell when he was being messed with. Moses? Lost in a desert the size of a large mall for forty years — and it goes on from there.

  29. mavenmaven

    Her husband has been praying for a "special annointing" for a long time now, but his prayers have not yet been answered…

    1. elviouslyqueer

      Oh right. Who do you think has been turning over Michele's staff (especially the male ones)?

  30. Extemporhammer

    Dearly assembled, please join me in prayer for our sadly staff-less Sister Michele:

    "Appointy birds, appointy-pointy! Anoint her team, anointy-nointy!"

    Amen.

    (And while you're down there on your knees, please "pray" to Ken that my Wonkette is relieved of the evil technical demons that have bedeviled me near to martyrdom. Thank you.)

    1. Ohforcripessake

      Steve Martin's gunna get you! (I'm just pissed because I was going to use something similar.)

  31. Callyson

    Oh, I'm praying alright…PLEASE GOD PLEASE GOD PLEASE MAKE THIS WINGNUT THE GOP NOMINEE!!!

    1. jodyleek

      Ask and ye shall receive! I gave you all a special upfist anointing, sans santorum.

  32. lowaltflier

    Dear God
    Please pay no attention to that crazy Lady Michele Bachmann.
    I have something more important for you to focus on. Can you please help the Lakes win 4 out of 5 against the Dallas Mavericks.
    Thank you
    Lowaltflier

  33. Allmighty_Manos

    So a lot of Republican consultants are deciding between Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich of God? Tough choice.

  34. DaRooster

    "Ask that the Lord will give us a special anointing on how to put our team together…"

    Isn't there a "Campaign Guide for Dummies"? Perhaps you could check that before you go buggin' God… I think he has his hands full, What with all the NASCAR and Baseball games going on… oh yeah, and sick and hungry kids around too… also.

    1. Ohforcripessake

      No, it just means He has a higher purpose for her. Kinda like he does for SP.

  35. neiltheblaze

    An angel appeared to me and said, "Neiltheblaze, don't go anywhere near that bitch's campaign. The big guy says she's going DOWN".

    That seemed totally plausible, so that's my position.

  36. AJW@[redacted]

    If god's as big a dick as his illegitimate kid Haysoos is, Michele's got her work cut out for herself.

  37. johnnyzhivago

    I hate to say it, but even God would have trouble wading through US EEO laws without at least taking a couple of seminars on the subject.

  38. Fox n Fiends

    During my prayer God told me that you need to get back in the kitchen, bitch.

  39. Ruhe

    I'm imagining God looking over his shoulder saying "Jesus, Michelle, you lazy idiot, I've got three new Universes popping up right now not to mention all the others that are entering their critical star forming phases and all the planets where Jesus is actually about to make an appearance. I mean, I'm, like, busy, you know? Is it too much trouble to just post at Monster.com?"

  40. Redhead

    "Bachmann: Well I’ve let people know that in June I will be making that decision"

    I guess she forgot about the world ending on May 21…

  41. PhilippePetain

    "a special anointing"

    If you use the word "annointing" as a noun, you are a cult member. FACT.

  42. Joey_brill

    I'm sending Roma Downey and Della Reese with flashlights.

    "We're angels sent from the Lord. You must run for president and your husband must stop touching himself and having impure thoughts."

  43. DahBoner

    What I want to know:

    Did Michelle Bachman once get fucked by a guy with a giant dick who poked her brains out?

    Or was she born that way?

  44. owhatever

    Michelle: Aw, c'mon, God.Just maybe an advance team and a private jet?
    God: (silence)

  45. DashboardBuddha

    Oh lord, won't you buy me the president's seat
    My friends think I'm special and just can't be beat
    I'll beg for the money, I'll suck a Koch's meat
    Oh lord, won't you buy me the pres-i-dents seat

  46. phlox✔

    She's gonna get down on her knees and start pleasing Jesus
    Feel His anointing [sic] all over her face
    .

  47. ganmerlad

    I constantly pester God, but never about Michelle Bachmann. (two N's right? I want to make sure he zaps the right Michelle once I get around to her) I mostly bother him about the store being out of what I want or the asshole driving in front of me, but now and then I do point him towards people I don't like. There is a long line in front of Michelle, but if she gains any more traction, she will move up the list. I will be ready.

  48. hagajim

    When she was asking to be anointed, she just didn't want her husband going in the backdoor dry again.

  49. MinAgain

    why haven’t you been pestering God in your daily prayers to hurry up and assemble Michele Bachmann’s campaign staff?

    Because I've been pestering Him to smite those hateful, fringe-right Republicans in the Tennessee General Assembly. I didn't want to seem greedy.

  50. berkeleyfarm

    I gotta check in with my more-recently-evangelical sources to see what kind of dog whistle "special anointing" is in this context. It's not making a lot of sense to me but I want to figure out if it's just Bachmann saying any crazy shit that comes to her head because she thinks the voices in her head are the Holy Spirit, or if there is a code meaning.

  51. benjo765

    I know Bachmann has a major boner for The Lord… but it strikes me as kind of assumptive that he would actually want her to become president.

    He could well be less…. insane, than our congressional wingnut in residence.

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