THE NOOB CAUCUS  10:44 am May 5, 2011

Dumb Republican Senators Thought Osama Corpse Photoshop Was Real

by Jack Stuef

Scott Brown saw this photo and was immediately convinced he had fallen into a time portal back to when this was taken in the 1980s.Considering the Obama administration has made it clear they have not and will not release any photos of Osama bin Laden’s corpse, most people would realize the fakes floating around the Internet, which are not even Photoshopped all that well, are not real. Republican Senators Saxby Chambliss, Kelly Ayotte, and Scott Brown, however, saw these on somebody’s LiveJournal or whatever and decided they had been privileged with seeing classified photos. “The head area, obviously, he had been wounded. I can’t describe it –- give any better description than that,” Ayotte said, pretending she was important enough to be given access to the bin Laden pixx but wasn’t really allowed to discuss them. These senators apparently forgot the Internet is not just available to them.

Senator Saxby Chambliss, R-Georgia, the top Republican on the Senate Intelligence Committee, told CNN and other news organizations Wednesday morning he had seen photos. He described them as “what you would expect from somebody who’s been shot in the head. It’s not pretty.” [...]

Late Wednesday afternoon, Chambliss admitted to reporters a photo he had described earlier in the day was not an “official photo,” but rather a picture he was shown on an electronic device, and he does not know if it was authentic.

“I have been privileged with joining an exclusive club for senators that gives me access to buy one huge coupon a day at local businesses,” Chambliss continued. “But I’m not at liberty to describe it any further.”

Sen. Kelly Ayotte, R-New Hampshire, a freshman Republican on the Armed Services Committee also told reporters Wednesday morning she saw a photo of bin Laden, shown to her by another senator on her committee.

“I was also shown a classified video of a child who was acting strangely after going to the dentist. And I really can’t say any more than that.”

When asked if the photo should be released, Brown said: “If it’s for informational purposes, to serve a specific goal, then possibly. Listen, I’ve seen the picture. He’s definitely dead, and if there’s any conspiracy theories out there, you should put them to rest, ok?”

Seriously, how the fuck do these people think the photos haven’t been released if they SAW THEM ON THE INTERNET? Pretty soon, one bad meme is going to confuse our members of Congress into appropriating $500 billion to Rick Astley. [CNN/WFXT]

 

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

{ 144 comments }

Callyson May 5, 2011 at 10:49 am

Now you've spoiled it. What will they use for masturbation purposes now?

neiltheblaze May 5, 2011 at 10:53 am

There's always the Chippendale's Calendar.

ifthethunderdontgetya May 5, 2011 at 10:50 am

Senator Saxby Chambliss, R-Georgia, the top Republican on the Senate Intelligence Committee

Holy Oxymoron, Batman!
~

DaRooster May 5, 2011 at 10:55 am

Yep, especially the "moron" part.

Lascauxcaveman May 5, 2011 at 11:19 am

"Chambliss also remarked that the recent photos of Elvis Presley he has seen show that the reclusive King of Rock n' Roll is in fine shape for a man his age, having lost considerable weight, though admittedly quite a bit of his hair as well."

horsedreamer_1 May 5, 2011 at 11:46 am

In that case, Georgia ought just to have sent Jerry Glanville to Washington.

bagofmice May 5, 2011 at 11:30 am

It's good to know that our elected representatives know what a second amendment solution looks like.

ShaveTheWhales May 6, 2011 at 10:45 pm

Just because this contained a reference to Saxby Chambliss, I have to remark that he is an evil, lying asshole. Thank you.

BZ1 May 5, 2011 at 10:50 am

Repubs dumb; this is news?!

MittsHairHelmet May 5, 2011 at 10:50 am

This wouldn't be the first time Republican senators were found to believe in something that doesn't exist in reality.

Schmannnity May 5, 2011 at 10:54 am

The Laffer curve?

V572..whatever May 5, 2011 at 11:01 am

Tax cuts = increased government revenue?

Schmannnity May 5, 2011 at 11:03 am

Terry Schiavo was just resting.

Terry May 5, 2011 at 11:11 am

After a prolonged squawk.

DaRooster May 5, 2011 at 11:06 am

GWB was a great Preznit.

WriteyWriterton May 5, 2011 at 12:12 pm

All of the above.

LetUsBray May 5, 2011 at 9:14 pm

It makes up for all the things they don't believe in that do really exist, like global warming, evolution, and the president's citizenship.

Schmannnity May 5, 2011 at 10:51 am

But Bat Boy is real, right? Right?

widestanceroman May 5, 2011 at 10:57 am

I've seen the sex tape and he is not only real, he is magnificent.

Buzz Feedback May 5, 2011 at 10:51 am

Many things flow through the "series of tubes." Including shit.

Sparky_McGruff May 5, 2011 at 10:56 am

Silly senator, that's not a web site, it's a colostomy bag!

mrblifil May 5, 2011 at 10:51 am

There's something not quite right about the font on Scott Brown's dick tattoo.

AJW@[redacted] May 5, 2011 at 11:05 am

Yeah, the kerning is completely off, and the font wasn't even invented at the time of his birth…

bagofmice May 5, 2011 at 11:31 am

So you're saying he's…
Sans serif.

SorosBot May 5, 2011 at 10:52 am

And to think, Scott Brown is probably the sanest and smartest Republican in the Senate; but then that's like being the tallest Munchkin in Oz.

Terry May 5, 2011 at 11:13 am

I think both the Senators from Maine have him beat. Think about that though. Maine, despite it's lovely scenery, can best be described as Deliverance with lobsters and THEY have the sanest and smartest Republican senators.

deanbooth May 5, 2011 at 3:19 pm

I've seen the pic, it's very grim
I've thoroughly examined him
and he's not only merely dead
he's really most sincerely dead.

GuyClinch May 5, 2011 at 10:52 am

"Clicking on the image led me to a disturbing Rick Astley video, about which I will say nothing further."

neiltheblaze May 5, 2011 at 10:52 am

These people are as thick as their constituents – who will also believe <anything>.

noodlesalad May 5, 2011 at 10:52 am

A poorly informed Republican base being necessary to the security of media profits, the right of the People to keep and bear blingee, photoshops and LOLcatz shall not be infringed.

V572..whatever May 5, 2011 at 11:02 am

Yet another egregious oversight by the Founding Fathers.

SorosBot May 5, 2011 at 11:09 am

They probably believe that cat actually asked for a cheeseburger.

jus_wonderin May 5, 2011 at 11:13 am

And plays the piano.

horsedreamer_1 May 5, 2011 at 11:23 am

& he needs to get paid.

tiredalways May 5, 2011 at 12:23 pm

Only if he is not the union member.

WriteyWriterton May 5, 2011 at 12:14 pm

And wasn't owned by Schrodinger.

Biel_ze_Bubba May 5, 2011 at 4:43 pm

Maybe…

badseeds May 5, 2011 at 10:52 am

Show them noted Internet photo goatse. I'm sure Saxby would be able to parse that one out for us, too.

DaRooster May 5, 2011 at 10:53 am

"…was not an “official photo,” but rather a picture he was shown on an electronic device…"

I too am skeptical of photos that are shown to me… ON A TOASTER.

Maroons!

Failure_Artist May 5, 2011 at 11:23 am

New Headline: Bin Laden Face Appears on Toast

Lascauxcaveman May 5, 2011 at 11:32 am

No reason he couldn't. I've got one of these things and it works pretty well.

kittenbomb May 5, 2011 at 11:37 am

Someone needs to tell Saxby it's ok to us his electronic deeevice when he goes swimmin' in the cement pond.

el_donaldo May 5, 2011 at 10:53 am

This photo controversy is just distracting the senators from their important investigation into why cats have such poor grammar and spelling skills as evidenced on many typewritten photographic communications found on the Internet.

SorosBot May 5, 2011 at 11:11 am

They're also starting an investigation to find out just who all our base are belong to, and one into the Leeroy Jenkins massacre.

bagofmice May 5, 2011 at 11:34 am

Unfortunately, the Senate does not work on Caturday.

GOPCrusher May 5, 2011 at 1:03 pm

And changing the official motto to "In Ceiling Cat We Trust."

smokefilledroommate May 5, 2011 at 10:53 am

Actually, Saxby, the photos were 'what you would expect from somebody who’s been shopped in the head'. Get it right next time, fucking ignoramus.

Crank_Tango May 5, 2011 at 11:46 am

ironically, no one is looking for "layers" when they see what they want to see.

JoshuaNorton May 5, 2011 at 10:54 am

Behold! The stupidest thing ever done by a republican, at least until the next stupidest thing ever done by a republican is done by a republican, which will be at most a couple of days if history is any judge.

angryclownspawn May 5, 2011 at 11:20 am

Couple of days? I would wager a couple of hours!

bflrtsplk May 5, 2011 at 11:42 am

Read the latest post on top about the Virginia Attorney General. Mission Accomplished.

WriteyWriterton May 5, 2011 at 12:15 pm

Beat me to it.

DustBowlBlues May 5, 2011 at 11:42 am

Stupid is the meme of the day. I first thought, How could they be so stupid? And why do these stupid things happen to Republics? Then I chastised myself for asking such a stupid question. They're stupid in the first place. That's why they're Republics.

Ed note: When they say the DemocratIC Party correctly, I'll let them have their an back.

GOPCrusher May 5, 2011 at 1:05 pm

Has Sarah Palin tweeted yet today?

Barb May 5, 2011 at 10:54 am

I'm waiting on a GOPher to make a statement about Mariah Carey, naming her newborn son "Moroccan Cannon" Then she can't go to any ToyRUs within a 100 mile radius of the World Trade Center site.

horsedreamer_1 May 5, 2011 at 11:03 am

I thought all the toy-stores on the Mid-Atlantic corridor were FAO Schwarz, anyway.

Barb May 5, 2011 at 11:25 am

Okay, let's change the joke I made for accuracy:
I'm waiting on a GOPher to make a statement about Mariah Carey, naming her newborn son "Moroccan Cannon" Then she can't go to any FAO Scwarz within a 100 mile radius of the World Trade Center site.
So much better!

bagofmice May 5, 2011 at 11:39 am

If I dropped out of Mariah Carey's vagina, and got named the Moroccan Cannon… well, uhh, I'd have an interesting day at school.

DustBowlBlues May 5, 2011 at 11:43 am

Please tell me you're joking about this.

Barb May 5, 2011 at 6:11 pm

Mariah Carey and her husband, Nick Cannon had twins on Saturday, Moroccan and Monroe (boy and girl)

zhubajie May 9, 2011 at 2:03 am

Bob Ney, Mr Freedom Fries, was actually dumb enough to get caught taking bribes and was a Republican-in-jail, for a while. Wikipedia says he now has a radio talk show and a blog.

ablington May 5, 2011 at 10:54 am

Scott Brown isn't very smart. He also needs to trim his pits a little.

RadioGroundZero May 5, 2011 at 11:32 am

I wasn't looking there.

bigdupa May 5, 2011 at 10:54 am

Can these three be demoted to the "Freedom Fries" Committee for being such idiots? Isn't Chambilss the guy who compared Bin Laden to Max Cleeland to initially get elected? What an asshole! Georgia, you get the Government you deserve.

GOPCrusher May 5, 2011 at 1:06 pm

He also questioned the patriotism of a man that lost three limbs in a war.

Gratuitous World May 5, 2011 at 10:56 am

if viewing the pictures results in orgasm, does it really matter if they were real?

baconzgood May 5, 2011 at 10:56 am

This photograph is property of the NFL, any retelecast or descriptions of this photograph without express written consent of the NFL is violation of copyright law.

horsedreamer_1 May 5, 2011 at 11:04 am

What if we have express oral consent?

DaSandman May 5, 2011 at 10:58 am

OBL's brain damage was a gift from the People of America. The Repugs brain damage is simply the result of lard fried Snickers bars and do it yourself home surgery kits.

Maman May 5, 2011 at 10:58 am

Ok, maybe the noobs get a pass… but Chambliss? Puh-leeze. That dude needs to toughen up his brain.

horsedreamer_1 May 5, 2011 at 11:11 am

Between the lack of limbs of the Senator that Ol' Sax smeared & the lack of a brain on Sax, we'd have an Invisible Man.

Terry May 5, 2011 at 11:16 am

You assume he has a brain.

ttommyunger May 5, 2011 at 1:21 pm

It is pickled in Branch Water and Jim Beam.

SexySmurf May 5, 2011 at 10:58 am

Scott Brown is also calling for a Congressional investigation into how many of those Asian chicks are really just Hispanic chicks in heavy makeup.

SayItWithWookies May 5, 2011 at 11:20 am

Don't worry Scott — most of them aren't chicks.

bagofmice May 5, 2011 at 11:43 am

Saxby talk Thai long time.

horsedreamer_1 May 5, 2011 at 11:24 am

Filipinos?

slithytoves May 5, 2011 at 10:59 am

If these idiots would spend a little time looking at real dead and gory bodies, they wouldn't have bought that picture for a minute, but of course, their junkets to Iraq and Afghanistan would never include that part of the tour.

baconzgood May 5, 2011 at 10:59 am

WOW the internet has photographs of Osama dead? I thought the internet only had porn and Wonkette. Whoda thunk?

horsedreamer_1 May 5, 2011 at 11:12 am

e*bay, also.

Meg Whitman — Never Forget.

bagofmice May 5, 2011 at 11:45 am

It's amazing what you can accomplish with the evolution of a planet-wide organ connecting millions of minds at the same time, innit?

zhubajie May 9, 2011 at 2:05 am

Death porn

widestanceroman May 5, 2011 at 11:00 am

The same group literally passed out cold when shown the Demon Blingee of Nancy Pelosi.

DaRooster May 5, 2011 at 11:00 am

“The head area, obviously, he had been wounded. I can’t describe it."

"I especially can't describe why it was all… like… Blingy!"

jus_wonderin May 5, 2011 at 11:00 am

"My comments were not intended to be factual……"

Goonemeritus May 5, 2011 at 11:01 am

That's why God made him pretty.

DaRooster May 5, 2011 at 11:02 am

Me thinks both…

waitforsugar May 5, 2011 at 11:02 am

"but rather a picture he was shown on an electronic device"

I didn't know there was a line of vibrators that had that capability.

jus_wonderin May 5, 2011 at 11:06 am

the iVibe.

BarryOPotter May 5, 2011 at 11:15 am

The i/oVibepad – Designed by Apple in California, Assembled in China, Sold to iDiots…

V572..whatever May 5, 2011 at 11:03 am

A vibrator?

Monsieur_Grumpe May 5, 2011 at 11:03 am

It's like they got all excited over their war porn and discovered they were actually wanking to a tranny.

FraAnima May 5, 2011 at 11:04 am

Senator John McCain (R-Geezerville) commented on the photos of Osama Bin Laden that were shown to him.

"It revealed the horrors of combat. He looked like a bunny with a pancake on his head."

neiltheblaze May 5, 2011 at 11:05 am

True. We Massholes only vote for Republicans as a protest – or a Dadaesque artistic statement.

DustBowlBlues May 5, 2011 at 11:36 am

And here I thought it was an ironic gesture. Clears that up for me.

neiltheblaze May 5, 2011 at 11:41 am

One person's ironic gesture is another's Dadaesque artistic statement. Tomato / tomahto. It's a matter of pretension.

MittsHairHelmet May 5, 2011 at 5:57 pm

I was actually thinking of physical thickness

smokefilledroommate May 5, 2011 at 11:06 am

No wonder Republicans are so fearful–everything on the internet is true!

Schmannnity May 5, 2011 at 11:10 am

The Shame:

Senate and Wonkette scooped by Weekly World News: Chuck Norris Killed Osama Bin Laden.
http://weeklyworldnews.com/headlines/32584/osama-

Sue4466 May 5, 2011 at 11:10 am

As a resident of Georgia, I can say without hesitation that Saxby Chambliss is a fucking idiot.

ttommyunger May 5, 2011 at 1:22 pm

And a drunk.

ShaveTheWhales May 6, 2011 at 10:48 pm

As a resident of California, but a reader of what passes for the news, I can say without hesitation that he is a knowingly evil, lying asshole.

littlebigdaddy May 5, 2011 at 11:10 am

It's also an established fact that when the second tower was hit by the plane the image of Bin Laden/Satan appears in the cloud. It's on the internetz!!!111!!!11

GOPCrusher May 5, 2011 at 1:11 pm
horsedreamer_1 May 5, 2011 at 11:13 am

Judging from the photo, Scotty's got some twinkle-toes, so Obama "pussyfooting around" (per Lou) should not be that big a deal.

johnnyzhivago May 5, 2011 at 11:14 am

When are you people going to assign the blame where it really belongs, ie. the internet…

smokefilledroommate May 5, 2011 at 11:18 am

I thought it was video games and/or the dissolution of the nuclear family.

bagofmice May 5, 2011 at 11:49 am

I have to wait until 2012 to conclude my Mass Effect saga.

Dammit.

carlgt1 May 5, 2011 at 11:20 am

yes, we barely trust these RepugliKKKan dipshits with fake photos that a billion people have seen on the Intertubes!

Lucidamente1 May 5, 2011 at 11:21 am

In their defense, they did check with Ted Stevens before using the Internet.

bagofmice May 5, 2011 at 11:52 am

To be fair, traversing through an IEnumerable<Tubes> collection might take some time, especially as complexity increases.

WriteyWriterton May 5, 2011 at 12:19 pm

Needz moar quantum 'puter.

SorosBot May 5, 2011 at 11:58 am

What, did they use a Ouija board? Or get defrauded by that douchebag John Edwards (the other one)?

BZ1 May 5, 2011 at 11:22 am

Etch-a-sketch?!

kissawookiee May 5, 2011 at 11:25 am

Kelly Ayotte next demanded to know who she has to talk to in order to get one of the Princess Beatrice hats everyone in the Situation Room got to wear.

Weenus299 May 5, 2011 at 11:28 am

They were shown these images from the inside of a windowless van parked near the Capitol? Did anyone try to touch them?

SayItWithWookies May 5, 2011 at 11:29 am

Now about that Laffer Curve nonsense…

rhubarbpie2 May 5, 2011 at 11:31 am

WAIT ONE MINUTE!!! Other people are getting coupons sent to them via the internet too?????????!!!!!! I thought it was just me.

bagofmice May 5, 2011 at 11:33 am

Is that anything like a Dutch Oven?

RadioGroundZero May 5, 2011 at 11:34 am

Couldn't we just have given them a virus with the pictures.

genxr May 5, 2011 at 11:37 am

That would explain the line item expense in this year's budget, "Processing fee to release inheritance of Nigerian princess," which accompanies an overly optimistic budget surplus projection.

Native_of_SL_UT May 5, 2011 at 11:38 am

These guys were also privy to the secret video of Kennedy, Nixon and Castro killing zombies in the Whitehouse.

prommie May 5, 2011 at 11:45 am

Scott Brown had to cut the interview short because he was late for his scheduled interview with Jack Mayhoffer and Rod Stiffington, after which he was to meet with Premier Poutine of Canada, and take a telephone call from the Koch brothers.

DustBowlBlues May 5, 2011 at 11:45 am

Those schemes only work if the victim is greedy and willing to break the law. So there you go, all four conditions met.

prommie May 5, 2011 at 11:47 am

Apparently, the code name for Osama was not "Geronimo" after all, it was "Bobabooey Bobabooey."

genxr May 5, 2011 at 11:58 am

It had to be authentic, there was a dancing Jesus next to him. Dancing Jesus wouldn't lie!

BTWBFDIMHO May 5, 2011 at 11:58 am

No pictures? So we'll have to photoshop them until we run out of pixels.
Here's a good one, showing OBL caught cleaning the house. http://www.freakingnews.com/pictures/85500/Caught

undeterredbyreality May 5, 2011 at 12:09 pm

"I'm not dead yet."

undeterredbyreality May 5, 2011 at 1:49 pm

Wuut? Zero? Duh–Losing!

James Michael Curley May 5, 2011 at 12:08 pm

Chambliss sould be able to identify OBL. The bastard ran a campaign where he compared OBL to Max Cleland.

undeterredbyreality May 5, 2011 at 12:08 pm

C'mon… I'll put my Vitter up against him any day.

LesPaultard May 5, 2011 at 12:21 pm

Stone Sans. Clearly.

real_dc_native May 5, 2011 at 12:30 pm

Did you know that most of Osama bin Laden’s terrorist operation funds were on deposit in a bank in Nigeria?!! I've been in contact with a Nigerian businessman who will pay me a hefty fee to help him move the funds to a US bank!

proudgrampa May 5, 2011 at 12:31 pm

"All I can say is that I have been in communication with a very important Nigerian businessman, about which I will say nothing further."

DahBoner May 5, 2011 at 12:40 pm

Now, the good people of the Commonwealth of Massassachusetts didn't just elect Senatorfold Scott Brown for his looks.

Oh, wait! Maybe they did…

Redhead May 5, 2011 at 12:48 pm

OMG, my intern just showed me a picture of zombie Elvis on this electronic thingy (I think he called it an ePhone or an aPhone or something? but it didn't look much like the phones we had back in MY day). It has to be official, right? I mean, NO ONE would make something like that up and post it online, right?

There's zombies on the loose people -RUUUUUUUUUN!

BTWBFDIMHO May 5, 2011 at 12:50 pm

Brown recognized OBL from a picture published by the Al-Qaeda's magazine for women. https://picasaweb.google.com/11400799981044075510

fuflans May 5, 2011 at 12:52 pm

shorter saxby: i am aware of all internet traditions.

HedonismBot May 5, 2011 at 1:00 pm

Does anybody around my age (mid to late 20s, early 30s) remember a series of children's books about a family called "The Stupids?" They were a family, and they were all stupid. Apparently they've all joined the Tea Party caucus now. The author of those books was a prophet.

finallyhappy May 5, 2011 at 3:16 pm

Yes! I remember them because my kids are your age. I should look at the bin of books I put away for the grandchildren(who do not exist) to see that.

GOPCrusher May 5, 2011 at 1:13 pm

I raise you one Chuck Grassley.

ttommyunger May 5, 2011 at 1:24 pm

There is a book about this problem with these three idiots, the title is "Gullible's Travels". Face it, if you believe in Trickle-Down Economics, you'll believe in any fucking thing.

comrad_darkness May 5, 2011 at 6:06 pm

Hey, what if we circulate 'shops of Obama pale as a WASP . . .
could work.

dcjdjay May 6, 2011 at 1:54 pm

Well, at least Scott Brown is pretty and has his looks to fall back on. The other two? Not so much.

Comments on this entry are closed.

Previous post:

Next post: