the noob caucus

Dumb Republican Senators Thought Osama Corpse Photoshop Was Real

Scott Brown saw this photo and was immediately convinced he had fallen into a time portal back to when this was taken in the 1980s.Considering the Obama administration has made it clear they have not and will not release any photos of Osama bin Laden’s corpse, most people would realize the fakes floating around the Internet, which are not even Photoshopped all that well, are not real. Republican Senators Saxby Chambliss, Kelly Ayotte, and Scott Brown, however, saw these on somebody’s LiveJournal or whatever and decided they had been privileged with seeing classified photos. “The head area, obviously, he had been wounded. I can’t describe it –- give any better description than that,” Ayotte said, pretending she was important enough to be given access to the bin Laden pixx but wasn’t really allowed to discuss them. These senators apparently forgot the Internet is not just available to them.

Senator Saxby Chambliss, R-Georgia, the top Republican on the Senate Intelligence Committee, told CNN and other news organizations Wednesday morning he had seen photos. He described them as “what you would expect from somebody who’s been shot in the head. It’s not pretty.” [...]

Late Wednesday afternoon, Chambliss admitted to reporters a photo he had described earlier in the day was not an “official photo,” but rather a picture he was shown on an electronic device, and he does not know if it was authentic.

“I have been privileged with joining an exclusive club for senators that gives me access to buy one huge coupon a day at local businesses,” Chambliss continued. “But I’m not at liberty to describe it any further.”

Sen. Kelly Ayotte, R-New Hampshire, a freshman Republican on the Armed Services Committee also told reporters Wednesday morning she saw a photo of bin Laden, shown to her by another senator on her committee.

“I was also shown a classified video of a child who was acting strangely after going to the dentist. And I really can’t say any more than that.”

When asked if the photo should be released, Brown said: “If it’s for informational purposes, to serve a specific goal, then possibly. Listen, I’ve seen the picture. He’s definitely dead, and if there’s any conspiracy theories out there, you should put them to rest, ok?”

Seriously, how the fuck do these people think the photos haven’t been released if they SAW THEM ON THE INTERNET? Pretty soon, one bad meme is going to confuse our members of Congress into appropriating $500 billion to Rick Astley. [CNN/WFXT]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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144 comments

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      "Chambliss also remarked that the recent photos of Elvis Presley he has seen show that the reclusive King of Rock n' Roll is in fine shape for a man his age, having lost considerable weight, though admittedly quite a bit of his hair as well."

      1. horsedreamer_1

        In that case, Georgia ought just to have sent Jerry Glanville to Washington.

    2. bagofmice

      It's good to know that our elected representatives know what a second amendment solution looks like.

    3. ShaveTheWhales

      Just because this contained a reference to Saxby Chambliss, I have to remark that he is an evil, lying asshole. Thank you.

  1. MittsHairHelmet

    This wouldn't be the first time Republican senators were found to believe in something that doesn't exist in reality.

    1. LetUsBray

      It makes up for all the things they don't believe in that do really exist, like global warming, evolution, and the president's citizenship.

    1. AJW@[redacted]

      Yeah, the kerning is completely off, and the font wasn't even invented at the time of his birth…

  2. SorosBot

    And to think, Scott Brown is probably the sanest and smartest Republican in the Senate; but then that's like being the tallest Munchkin in Oz.

    1. Terry

      I think both the Senators from Maine have him beat. Think about that though. Maine, despite it's lovely scenery, can best be described as Deliverance with lobsters and THEY have the sanest and smartest Republican senators.

    2. deanbooth

      I've seen the pic, it's very grim
      I've thoroughly examined him
      and he's not only merely dead
      he's really most sincerely dead.

  3. neiltheblaze

    These people are as thick as their constituents – who will also believe <anything>.

  4. noodlesalad

    A poorly informed Republican base being necessary to the security of media profits, the right of the People to keep and bear blingee, photoshops and LOLcatz shall not be infringed.

  5. badseeds

    Show them noted Internet photo goatse. I'm sure Saxby would be able to parse that one out for us, too.

  6. DaRooster

    "…was not an “official photo,” but rather a picture he was shown on an electronic device…"

    I too am skeptical of photos that are shown to me… ON A TOASTER.

    Maroons!

  7. el_donaldo

    This photo controversy is just distracting the senators from their important investigation into why cats have such poor grammar and spelling skills as evidenced on many typewritten photographic communications found on the Internet.

    1. SorosBot

      They're also starting an investigation to find out just who all our base are belong to, and one into the Leeroy Jenkins massacre.

    1. Crank_Tango

      ironically, no one is looking for "layers" when they see what they want to see.

  8. JoshuaNorton

    Behold! The stupidest thing ever done by a republican, at least until the next stupidest thing ever done by a republican is done by a republican, which will be at most a couple of days if history is any judge.

      1. bflrtsplk

        Read the latest post on top about the Virginia Attorney General. Mission Accomplished.

    1. DustBowlBlues

      Stupid is the meme of the day. I first thought, How could they be so stupid? And why do these stupid things happen to Republics? Then I chastised myself for asking such a stupid question. They're stupid in the first place. That's why they're Republics.

      Ed note: When they say the DemocratIC Party correctly, I'll let them have their an back.

  9. Barb

    I'm waiting on a GOPher to make a statement about Mariah Carey, naming her newborn son "Moroccan Cannon" Then she can't go to any ToyRUs within a 100 mile radius of the World Trade Center site.

    1. horsedreamer_1

      I thought all the toy-stores on the Mid-Atlantic corridor were FAO Schwarz, anyway.

      1. Barb

        Okay, let's change the joke I made for accuracy:
        I'm waiting on a GOPher to make a statement about Mariah Carey, naming her newborn son "Moroccan Cannon" Then she can't go to any FAO Scwarz within a 100 mile radius of the World Trade Center site.
        So much better!

    2. bagofmice

      If I dropped out of Mariah Carey's vagina, and got named the Moroccan Cannon… well, uhh, I'd have an interesting day at school.

        1. Barb

          Mariah Carey and her husband, Nick Cannon had twins on Saturday, Moroccan and Monroe (boy and girl)

    3. zhubajie

      Bob Ney, Mr Freedom Fries, was actually dumb enough to get caught taking bribes and was a Republican-in-jail, for a while. Wikipedia says he now has a radio talk show and a blog.

  10. bigdupa

    Can these three be demoted to the "Freedom Fries" Committee for being such idiots? Isn't Chambilss the guy who compared Bin Laden to Max Cleeland to initially get elected? What an asshole! Georgia, you get the Government you deserve.

  11. baconzgood

    This photograph is property of the NFL, any retelecast or descriptions of this photograph without express written consent of the NFL is violation of copyright law.

  12. DaSandman

    OBL's brain damage was a gift from the People of America. The Repugs brain damage is simply the result of lard fried Snickers bars and do it yourself home surgery kits.

    1. horsedreamer_1

      Between the lack of limbs of the Senator that Ol' Sax smeared & the lack of a brain on Sax, we'd have an Invisible Man.

  13. SexySmurf

    Scott Brown is also calling for a Congressional investigation into how many of those Asian chicks are really just Hispanic chicks in heavy makeup.

  14. slithytoves

    If these idiots would spend a little time looking at real dead and gory bodies, they wouldn't have bought that picture for a minute, but of course, their junkets to Iraq and Afghanistan would never include that part of the tour.

  15. baconzgood

    WOW the internet has photographs of Osama dead? I thought the internet only had porn and Wonkette. Whoda thunk?

    1. bagofmice

      It's amazing what you can accomplish with the evolution of a planet-wide organ connecting millions of minds at the same time, innit?

  16. widestanceroman

    The same group literally passed out cold when shown the Demon Blingee of Nancy Pelosi.

  17. DaRooster

    “The head area, obviously, he had been wounded. I can’t describe it."

    "I especially can't describe why it was all… like… Blingy!"

  18. waitforsugar

    "but rather a picture he was shown on an electronic device"

    I didn't know there was a line of vibrators that had that capability.

    1. BarryOPotter

      The i/oVibepad – Designed by Apple in California, Assembled in China, Sold to iDiots…

  19. FraAnima

    Senator John McCain (R-Geezerville) commented on the photos of Osama Bin Laden that were shown to him.

    "It revealed the horrors of combat. He looked like a bunny with a pancake on his head."

  20. neiltheblaze

    True. We Massholes only vote for Republicans as a protest – or a Dadaesque artistic statement.

      1. neiltheblaze

        One person's ironic gesture is another's Dadaesque artistic statement. Tomato / tomahto. It's a matter of pretension.

  21. Sue4466

    As a resident of Georgia, I can say without hesitation that Saxby Chambliss is a fucking idiot.

    1. ShaveTheWhales

      As a resident of California, but a reader of what passes for the news, I can say without hesitation that he is a knowingly evil, lying asshole.

  22. littlebigdaddy

    It's also an established fact that when the second tower was hit by the plane the image of Bin Laden/Satan appears in the cloud. It's on the internetz!!!111!!!11

  23. horsedreamer_1

    Judging from the photo, Scotty's got some twinkle-toes, so Obama "pussyfooting around" (per Lou) should not be that big a deal.

  24. carlgt1

    yes, we barely trust these RepugliKKKan dipshits with fake photos that a billion people have seen on the Intertubes!

    1. bagofmice

      To be fair, traversing through an IEnumerable<Tubes> collection might take some time, especially as complexity increases.

    2. SorosBot

      What, did they use a Ouija board? Or get defrauded by that douchebag John Edwards (the other one)?

  25. kissawookiee

    Kelly Ayotte next demanded to know who she has to talk to in order to get one of the Princess Beatrice hats everyone in the Situation Room got to wear.

  26. Weenus299

    They were shown these images from the inside of a windowless van parked near the Capitol? Did anyone try to touch them?

  27. rhubarbpie2

    WAIT ONE MINUTE!!! Other people are getting coupons sent to them via the internet too?????????!!!!!! I thought it was just me.

  28. genxr

    That would explain the line item expense in this year's budget, "Processing fee to release inheritance of Nigerian princess," which accompanies an overly optimistic budget surplus projection.

  29. Native_of_SL_UT

    These guys were also privy to the secret video of Kennedy, Nixon and Castro killing zombies in the Whitehouse.

  30. prommie

    Scott Brown had to cut the interview short because he was late for his scheduled interview with Jack Mayhoffer and Rod Stiffington, after which he was to meet with Premier Poutine of Canada, and take a telephone call from the Koch brothers.

  31. DustBowlBlues

    Those schemes only work if the victim is greedy and willing to break the law. So there you go, all four conditions met.

  32. prommie

    Apparently, the code name for Osama was not "Geronimo" after all, it was "Bobabooey Bobabooey."

  33. genxr

    It had to be authentic, there was a dancing Jesus next to him. Dancing Jesus wouldn't lie!

  34. James Michael Curley

    Chambliss sould be able to identify OBL. The bastard ran a campaign where he compared OBL to Max Cleland.

  35. real_dc_native

    Did you know that most of Osama bin Laden’s terrorist operation funds were on deposit in a bank in Nigeria?!! I've been in contact with a Nigerian businessman who will pay me a hefty fee to help him move the funds to a US bank!

  36. proudgrampa

    "All I can say is that I have been in communication with a very important Nigerian businessman, about which I will say nothing further."

  37. DahBoner

    Now, the good people of the Commonwealth of Massassachusetts didn't just elect Senatorfold Scott Brown for his looks.

    Oh, wait! Maybe they did…

  38. Redhead

    OMG, my intern just showed me a picture of zombie Elvis on this electronic thingy (I think he called it an ePhone or an aPhone or something? but it didn't look much like the phones we had back in MY day). It has to be official, right? I mean, NO ONE would make something like that up and post it online, right?

    There's zombies on the loose people -RUUUUUUUUUN!

  39. HedonismBot

    Does anybody around my age (mid to late 20s, early 30s) remember a series of children's books about a family called "The Stupids?" They were a family, and they were all stupid. Apparently they've all joined the Tea Party caucus now. The author of those books was a prophet.

    1. finallyhappy

      Yes! I remember them because my kids are your age. I should look at the bin of books I put away for the grandchildren(who do not exist) to see that.

  40. ttommyunger

    There is a book about this problem with these three idiots, the title is "Gullible's Travels". Face it, if you believe in Trickle-Down Economics, you'll believe in any fucking thing.

  41. comrad_darkness

    Hey, what if we circulate 'shops of Obama pale as a WASP . . .
    could work.

  42. dcjdjay

    Well, at least Scott Brown is pretty and has his looks to fall back on. The other two? Not so much.

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