al qaeda cars' number-one target

Harry Reid Injured By Stationary Car

Can't really tell from the photo, but he's running away from a Transformer in slow motion.Sure, everyone, talk about Osama bin Laden all you want, just ignore that Harry Reid ALSO ALMOST DIED this morning. Whatever would this country do if Harry Reid was not the Senate majority leader? Replace him with Chuck Schumer or Dick Durbin and promptly forget he existed? Yes, probably. But maybe we would take weeks off to mourn the sudden loss of the greatest American never to walk on the Moon. This morning, Harry Reid was out jogging when suddenly he was hit by a car. Reid was taken to the hospital and he’ll be okay, so the assassination plot failed. But the most devious part of this story is that the car was just sitting there parked. We’re not sure how one is injured by a stationary car, but it sounds absolutely harrowing.

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev.) dislocated his shoulder and suffered a bump to the forehead after slipping Wednesday morning while exercising in the rain. [...]

Reid fell after leaning with his hand on a wet parked car. His hand slipped and the leader tumbled to the ground.

What a disgusting disregard for human life! Get away from your computers and go hunt down this terrorist automobile, Washingtonians! Avenge Harry Reid! Murder this car, take photos of this corpse, and release them to the public so the terrorists know what the United States of America DOES to cars that try to kill our politicians with slippery dew. [The Hill]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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156 comments

  1. Barb

    How do we know that this man wasn't the NAVY SEAL that took down OBL? Did anyone actually see him on Sunday night? This guy is a real Ninja. Well, as much of a Ninja as Irene Ryan was.

    1. WIDTAP

      Irene Ryan! Irene Ryan! It always about Granny Clampett with you isn't it Barb?

      1. Barb

        Oh God, now I am going to have that SNL Chippendale's sketch on my mind for the rest of the day.

        1. Lascauxcaveman

          Remember: cars don't kill people… oh wait a minute, yes. Yes they do kill people.

    1. waitforsugar

      I heard it was "light skinned, with no negro dialect unless it wanted to have one."

  2. anniegetyerfun

    I have heard of lhasa apsos dying by running into the back of a parked car, but this is the first Congressman-related parked-car near-death incident that I have heard tell of.

      1. GOPCrusher

        After working on the flight line at Nellis for two summers, I believe that is the State Nickname for Nevada. The Arid Hellforge State.

  3. GuyClinch

    Jesus, I do that every morning, except replace "jogging" with "suffering from hangover" and "wet car" with "steps leading from my terrible room".

  4. MistaEko

    Hooray! Obama's stone cold killin' has deflected the accusation that democrats are wimps and now we can awwwwwwwwwww nuts

  5. DaRooster

    Harry… knock this shit off. There are too few decent guys in your line of work… we need 'em all to remain upright.

    1. Limeylizzie

      I love Harry Reid after reading an article about him , he sounds like such a wonderful man.

  6. Captain_Quark

    In the words of the mighty Sharron Angle, it's time for Harry Reid to MAN UP!

    If Sharron had been attacked by a car, she'd a worked it over from bumper to bumper with a crowbar and a hacksaw, leaving no functioning part behind.

    How can anyone respect the USA when our leadership is beaten up by stationary automobiles?

    1. Negropolis

      …she'd a worked it over from bumper to bumper with a crowbar and a hacksaw…

      Also, her teeth. Also.

  7. Sophist [غني عن ذلك]

    I'll bet it was a foreign-made car. Has anyone seen it's import registration?

  8. baconzgood

    "We’re not sure how one is injured by a stationary car"

    It happened to me once. Of course I was piss drunk at the time.

  9. Rosie_Scenario

    Was Harry jealous of attention that his wife and daughter received when they were in a real car accident? Too soon?

    1. Negropolis

      When has the lack of a clear target for a lawsuit every stopped anyone American from suing anyone or anything for that matter?

  10. Warpde

    This had to be the work of a foreign car. No doubt about it. I say we export ALL foreign cars back from wenst they came or next thing ya know there will be suicide car bombings all over M'erica.

    edit: Jesus, is "wenst" even a word?

      1. Warpde

        Thanks. I really need to stop referencing the "S.Palin's New M'ercan Dicktionary".

  11. Extemporanus

    Vice President Biden's motorcade stops for no man.

    (Let that one sink in for a minute…)

  12. baconzgood

    This is why we need to drill in the national parks and in deep water. If we had less dependence on foreign oil that car would have been moving and Harry wouldn't have gotten his boo-boo. DRILL BABY DRILL!!!!!

  13. mereoblivion

    Dislocated shoulder: temporary setback. Misplaced balls: chronic condition.

  14. axmxz

    Win some, lose some. Our President may be a killa, our Senate Majority Leader gets hit by a parked car.

  15. Rosie_Scenario

    Now the downfisting troll is protesting Reid comments? I think the troll may be bi-polar, bi-partison, bi-curious?

    1. Negropolis

      He's running down angels in heaven now, bless his heart.

      And, by angels I meant demons and by heaven I meant hell and by "running down" I meant "being run down by".

  16. Rosie_Scenario

    Troll got me within seconds to prove my point. Good for page views, not so good for pee-ness points.

  17. bumfug

    It was a terrible, terrible car, especially compared to the very, very luxurious cars that Donald Trump drives.

      1. bumfug

        Right you are! Make it "that Donald Trump rides in while someone with more brains and class than he has drives him around, the hapless driver comforting himself with gruesome death scenarios for the toad in the back seat."

  18. tiredalways

    Has anybody seen the long form birth certificate carfax report of this particular car? Is there any guarantee it was not a muslim-socialist-kenyan-american-job-killer car?

    1. GOPCrusher

      This is why abortions need to stay legal. Chances are just as good that the next fetus that is aborted could be the next Downfister of Hasselhoff as the next Mother Teresa.

  19. JackDempsey1

    Until they post the video on U-tube, you'll have to be satisfied with this eyewitness account:

    Harry.

    Car.

    Harry.
    Car.

    Harry. Car.
    Harry Car
    HarryCar
    HARRYCAR

    HARRY!!!!!1!! [blood on sidewalk]

    1. easynewz

      Egads. I upfisted the troll by mistake. I will now watch a Sharron Angle campaign video with my eyelids taped open to atone for my sins. Hope I didn't get Santorum on my fist….

    1. baconzgood

      How come a car has 4 tires and a hover craft has none? You can't explain it.

    1. smokefilledroommate

      Who can resist a crazy Ben Franklin-type person running up to your window shouting what sounds like 'Blurp Blop Sarah! Sarah!' You roll down the window to see what the hell it wants or needs, and then it takes a dump by your car. It's like you're on safari..

    2. Biel_ze_Bubba

      Dogs who belong to public-employee unions. But I don't know how many of them it takes to chase a parked car.

  20. elviouslyqueer

    (with apologies to Richard Harris and Donna Summer, respectively)

    Harry threw his shoulder out
    in the rain…
    I didn't think that he could take it,
    But at least he didn't break it,
    So he won't be using Obamacare the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act again.
    Oh nooooooooooooooo!

    1. tessiee

      a) Someone left the car out in the rain;
      b) Richard Harris and Donna Summer should apologize to the rest of us for that song.

      1. ShaveTheWhales

        To be precise:

        1. Jimmy Webb should apologize for the song.
        2. Richard Harris should apologize for ever singing. Ever.
        3. Donna Summer should apologize for disco, but particularly for covering this piece of shit.

  21. horsedreamer_1

    Given the incident, & the photo for this post, I would say Reid is morphing into Kucinich.

  22. SorosBot

    Losing one's p-ness really hurts, but it should grow back as it has for some of the other victims of the p-ness thief.

  23. Lazy Media

    I ran into a car once, at full speed. I grew up in the woods, so learned to look at the ground at all times (for snakes), and I was visiting relatives in suburban Seattle and running along the sidewalk and somebody had parked their car across the sidewalk and BOOM. Fortunately, I weighed about 55 pounds at the time, so not that major an impact.

    /CSB?

  24. DahBoner

    As an ex-boxer, Reid should have known better.

    He fell for the car's Rope-a-Dope trick…

  25. Texan_Bulldog

    "Reid fell after leaning with his hand on a wet parked car. His hand slipped and the leader tumbled to the ground."

    Where's YouTube when you need it? Just goes to show that you should never leave the house without your LifeAlert bracelet if you are old and clumsy….and it is raining.

  26. nounverb911

    Dislocated shoulder? Could be out for the season. Will Reid be put on the 15 day or 60 day disabled list? Who are they bringing up from the minors?

    What, we're not talking baseball? Nevermind.

  27. Poindexter718

    In the car's defense, Sen. Reid was attempting to strike up a conversation about policy with it.

    1. savethispatient

      It's the American way, after all. And one that I'm very much happy to embrace.

    2. savethispatient

      Haha… I replied to the wrong post there.. and my reply was perhaps even funnier in the wrong context, but I've deleted it anyway.

  28. Worthly[♬♪♬♪♫♪♬]Skum

    Later the car showed up at Reid's house, drank all his beer and fucked his wife.

  29. finallyhappy

    Now I don't want to let on and help the terrorists win but I was in several parts of downtown DC today and saw no increase in security- not on the Mall, not on Metro and not anywhere near Connecticut and K. Now I see why- all forces must have been called on to track down this vicious car!

  30. pdiddycornchips

    This is an obvious Al Qaeda plot. Diabolical geniuses are leaving damp, parked cars all over Washington. If you see something, say something.

  31. ttommyunger

    Where I come from, if you're dumb enough to lean on a car that isn't your own, you'll be lucky to come out of the experience with no more than a bump on the head and a dislocated shoulder. Plus, I know boxers; if Harry moves as fast as he thinks and speaks, he is more Heavy Bag than Boxer. Oh, wait, Orrin Hatch is a boxer too, don't forget. The Senate is just chock full of baddass motherfuckers. Oh well, I'm half right.

  32. Gopherit

    Thank mormon jesus he is more dexterous politically than physically…..cough.

  33. iburl

    The well being of my Pee score dictates that I not call for the release of photos of the car.

  34. Eve8Apples

    I saw some graffiti scribbled in Mitch McConnell's bathroom:

    Reid's
    the problem
    slippery wet automobile hood
    is the answer

  35. real_dc_native

    I had a dog once that ran into a parked car. She hit it so hard that she slid half-way under it and I had to take her to the vet to be checked out. I thought that she was a stupid dog for doing that.

    No wonder this country is going to the dogs.

  36. anti0aquabudda

    I heard the TSA was giving Harry a pat down at the airport when the TSA agent realized a crevas was present where a bump should be present, which then led to a tussle and Harry blowing out his shoulder!

  37. Papa_Uniform

    Breaking News! Car just found shot thru the left headlight. Photos to follow.

    1. jus_wonderin

      Oh noes. The photo will just agitate the other stationary cars. Soon we will all be falling down near parked cars.

  38. Biel_ze_Bubba

    Obviously a late-model car… the sheet metal (and chrome bumpers) of an old American land yacht would have done him in for sure.

  39. genxr

    From what I recall, he found that Plymouth Fury in a field, old, unused, and overgrown with bush.

    So yeah, that's itinerant Senate candidate Christine!

  40. anti0aquabudda

    I heard that Harry Reid offered to raise the white flag to OBL (like he did prior to the Iraq surge) but Hillary Clinton took him to the wood shed mintues beforehand.

  41. widget2011

    I want to know where Andrew Breitbart was at the time Harry Reid "slipped" on said car. Harry needs to sharpen his boxing skills, by all accounts, he is a little rusty.

  42. trondant

    That car may have been parked, but it was definitely pursuing a second gear remedy.

  43. user-of-owls

    Will you just look at that photo! Talk about filth. The robot sex slave, with CAT scrawled cruelly alongside its haunches, is clearly beginning its ritual bend-over so as to endure yet another Harry Reaming.

  44. Dudleydidwrong

    I can't believe that he was injured that badly. What is his Mormon underwear for, if it doesn't protect the wearer from damage from parked cars. Holy underwear, Harry! You need a new pair.

  45. Negropolis

    Worst. Accident. Ever.

    I slipped whilst leaning on a wet car. Yeah, right. He might as well have just busted out the old "I fell down the stores." story.

    Either way, we should call in Seal Team Six to deep-six this potentially murderous auto.

    Bin Laden's Revenge!

    1. tessiee

      "He might as well have just busted out the old "I fell down the stores." story. "

      I fell down the stairs when I was a kid, and I once actually got a black eye from walking into a door, but never have I fallen down the stores.

      You prolly need more coffee, huh?

  46. Negropolis

    You know what other automobiles have sought and/or achieved the maiming or killing human beings?

  47. AJW@[redacted]

    I've dislocated my shoulders many times, both at once while water skiing one time. Finally got one fixed, took over a year to recover. I don't want to go through that again, though the drugs were sublime. Get well soon, Harry, then retire. Please.

  48. Negropolis

    BTW, Harry, if you dislocated your shoulder, you're doing it wrong…if you know what I mean.

  49. Negropolis

    Plus, trying to embrace something expends more calories than I'm willing to give. It's too strenuous a task, so I just don't do it. If I didn't have to breath, I wouldn't.

  50. An_Outhouse

    First Dennis Kucinich gets his teeth knocked out by an olive pit, and now this. Have Nixon's plumbers been reconstituted?

  51. James Michael Curley

    Can't teach an old dog new tricks. Harry is out chasing cars again, but if he caught one he wouldn't know what to do with it.

Comments are closed.