AL QAEDA CARS' NUMBER-ONE TARGET  3:54 pm May 4, 2011

Harry Reid Injured By Stationary Car

by Jack Stuef

Can't really tell from the photo, but he's running away from a Transformer in slow motion.Sure, everyone, talk about Osama bin Laden all you want, just ignore that Harry Reid ALSO ALMOST DIED this morning. Whatever would this country do if Harry Reid was not the Senate majority leader? Replace him with Chuck Schumer or Dick Durbin and promptly forget he existed? Yes, probably. But maybe we would take weeks off to mourn the sudden loss of the greatest American never to walk on the Moon. This morning, Harry Reid was out jogging when suddenly he was hit by a car. Reid was taken to the hospital and he’ll be okay, so the assassination plot failed. But the most devious part of this story is that the car was just sitting there parked. We’re not sure how one is injured by a stationary car, but it sounds absolutely harrowing.

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev.) dislocated his shoulder and suffered a bump to the forehead after slipping Wednesday morning while exercising in the rain. [...]

Reid fell after leaning with his hand on a wet parked car. His hand slipped and the leader tumbled to the ground.

What a disgusting disregard for human life! Get away from your computers and go hunt down this terrorist automobile, Washingtonians! Avenge Harry Reid! Murder this car, take photos of this corpse, and release them to the public so the terrorists know what the United States of America DOES to cars that try to kill our politicians with slippery dew. [The Hill]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 156 comments }

Barb May 4, 2011 at 3:56 pm

How do we know that this man wasn't the NAVY SEAL that took down OBL? Did anyone actually see him on Sunday night? This guy is a real Ninja. Well, as much of a Ninja as Irene Ryan was.

WIDTAP May 4, 2011 at 4:22 pm

Irene Ryan! Irene Ryan! It always about Granny Clampett with you isn't it Barb?

Barb May 4, 2011 at 4:23 pm

Yeah, pretty much.

Fare la Volpe May 4, 2011 at 4:26 pm

Or Chris Farley.

Barb May 4, 2011 at 4:51 pm

Oh God, now I am going to have that SNL Chippendale's sketch on my mind for the rest of the day.

genxr May 4, 2011 at 6:49 pm

He slipped on a van down by the river!

Lascauxcaveman May 5, 2011 at 12:52 am

Remember: cars don't kill people… oh wait a minute, yes. Yes they do kill people.

johnnymeatworth May 4, 2011 at 5:09 pm

Hume Cronyn, Killer For Hire….

tessiee May 6, 2011 at 10:54 am

JEEEDDDDD!!!

DaRooster May 4, 2011 at 3:58 pm

Was it a black car?

MistaEko May 4, 2011 at 4:02 pm

Possibly a Puerto Rican car.

Lionel[redacted]Esq May 4, 2011 at 4:06 pm

Some Puerto Rican car.

LabRodent May 4, 2011 at 4:06 pm

Its was White at first then yada yada yada now its Black.

waitforsugar May 4, 2011 at 4:50 pm

I heard it was "light skinned, with no negro dialect unless it wanted to have one."

Boojum_Reborn May 4, 2011 at 8:15 pm

It was Muslin, of course!

Negropolis May 4, 2011 at 11:47 pm

WIN

anniegetyerfun May 4, 2011 at 3:58 pm

I have heard of lhasa apsos dying by running into the back of a parked car, but this is the first Congressman-related parked-car near-death incident that I have heard tell of.

smokefilledroommate May 4, 2011 at 3:59 pm

Who'd a thunk rain makes cars slippery?

edgydrifter May 4, 2011 at 4:12 pm

Not a guy from an arid hellforge like Nevada, obviously.

GOPCrusher May 4, 2011 at 5:21 pm

After working on the flight line at Nellis for two summers, I believe that is the State Nickname for Nevada. The Arid Hellforge State.

Extemporanus May 4, 2011 at 4:14 pm

It wasn't so much the rain as it was the peel.

riverside68 May 4, 2011 at 4:26 pm

Another one of those DC moments of: "No one saw this coming."

Bonzos_Bed_Time May 4, 2011 at 4:00 pm

I've said it before and I'll say it again Zymol, is worth every penny!

GuyClinch May 4, 2011 at 4:00 pm

Jesus, I do that every morning, except replace "jogging" with "suffering from hangover" and "wet car" with "steps leading from my terrible room".

MistaEko May 4, 2011 at 4:00 pm

Hooray! Obama's stone cold killin' has deflected the accusation that democrats are wimps and now we can awwwwwwwwwww nuts

DaRooster May 4, 2011 at 4:00 pm

Harry… knock this shit off. There are too few decent guys in your line of work… we need 'em all to remain upright.

Limeylizzie May 4, 2011 at 5:49 pm

I love Harry Reid after reading an article about him , he sounds like such a wonderful man.

Captain_Quark May 4, 2011 at 4:00 pm

In the words of the mighty Sharron Angle, it's time for Harry Reid to MAN UP!

If Sharron had been attacked by a car, she'd a worked it over from bumper to bumper with a crowbar and a hacksaw, leaving no functioning part behind.

How can anyone respect the USA when our leadership is beaten up by stationary automobiles?

CrankyLttlCamperette May 4, 2011 at 5:01 pm

Shoot it over the left headlight?

Negropolis May 4, 2011 at 11:50 pm

…she'd a worked it over from bumper to bumper with a crowbar and a hacksaw…

Also, her teeth. Also.

johnnyzhivago May 4, 2011 at 4:01 pm

When is Obama going to stop pussyfooting and release the photos of Harry Reid's injuries?

Sophist [غني عن ذلك] May 4, 2011 at 4:01 pm

I'll bet it was a foreign-made car. Has anyone seen it's import registration?

starfanglednut May 4, 2011 at 4:20 pm

Long form import registration.

baconzgood May 4, 2011 at 4:01 pm

"We’re not sure how one is injured by a stationary car"

It happened to me once. Of course I was piss drunk at the time.

DerrickWildcat May 4, 2011 at 4:01 pm

This happens to me all the time.

GuyClinch May 4, 2011 at 4:02 pm

What's more, the stationary wet car outclassed Harry in the charisma department.

Rosie_Scenario May 4, 2011 at 4:02 pm

Was Harry jealous of attention that his wife and daughter received when they were in a real car accident? Too soon?

OC_Slurpee_Serf May 4, 2011 at 4:02 pm

Slipped by himself? Who is he suing, then?

GuyClinch May 4, 2011 at 4:05 pm

He probably called Crist on his Jitterbug first thing.

riverside68 May 4, 2011 at 4:27 pm

his insurance company

GOPCrusher May 4, 2011 at 5:23 pm

Dennis Kuchinich.

Boojum_Reborn May 4, 2011 at 8:16 pm

Donald Trump.

Negropolis May 4, 2011 at 11:53 pm

When has the lack of a clear target for a lawsuit every stopped anyone American from suing anyone or anything for that matter?

evan7257 May 4, 2011 at 4:03 pm

Can we trade the blood from his injury for some oil?

Warpde May 4, 2011 at 4:03 pm

This had to be the work of a foreign car. No doubt about it. I say we export ALL foreign cars back from wenst they came or next thing ya know there will be suicide car bombings all over M'erica.

edit: Jesus, is "wenst" even a word?

smokefilledroommate May 4, 2011 at 4:25 pm

whence. wait–lemme look that up 'cause that sounds right but the spelling doesn't look right for some reason. (Prolly just doubting myself as usual).

waitforsugar May 4, 2011 at 4:58 pm
Warpde May 4, 2011 at 8:02 pm

Thanks. I really need to stop referencing the "S.Palin's New M'ercan Dicktionary".

Biel_ze_Bubba May 4, 2011 at 8:21 pm

Why ask Jesus?

tessiee May 6, 2011 at 10:56 am

"Jesus, is "wenst" even a word?"

Yeah, it is. I looked it up wunst.

fuflans May 4, 2011 at 4:05 pm

mishaps like this are why sarah palin is fighting to keep america fat.

Extemporanus May 4, 2011 at 4:05 pm

Vice President Biden's motorcade stops for no man.

(Let that one sink in for a minute…)

WhatTheHeck May 4, 2011 at 4:10 pm

So if Harry is no hu-man, then what is he?

CrankyLttlCamperette May 4, 2011 at 5:09 pm

Devo?

SorosBot May 4, 2011 at 4:05 pm

Was the car named Christine? How about K.A.R.R.?

baconzgood May 4, 2011 at 4:10 pm

Effin' awsome. I love evil Hoffmister. "just glue a sole patch on him and he'll look really sinister"
http://farm1.static.flickr.com/137/321684308_820c

riverside68 May 4, 2011 at 4:29 pm

Body by Fisher, Soul by Satan?

user-of-owls May 4, 2011 at 4:05 pm

These slippery people, help us understand.

baconzgood May 4, 2011 at 4:06 pm

This is why we need to drill in the national parks and in deep water. If we had less dependence on foreign oil that car would have been moving and Harry wouldn't have gotten his boo-boo. DRILL BABY DRILL!!!!!

Monsieur_Grumpe May 4, 2011 at 4:06 pm

He was probably jogging with an iPod blasting ABBA which would probably make getting run over kind of a relief.

Lionel[redacted]Esq May 4, 2011 at 4:07 pm

Was this one of Sharon Angle's Second Amendment Remedies?

SudsMcKenzie May 4, 2011 at 4:42 pm

Turtle Wax remedy?

mereoblivion May 4, 2011 at 4:07 pm

Dislocated shoulder: temporary setback. Misplaced balls: chronic condition.

axmxz May 4, 2011 at 4:07 pm

Win some, lose some. Our President may be a killa, our Senate Majority Leader gets hit by a parked car.

Rosie_Scenario May 4, 2011 at 4:07 pm

Now the downfisting troll is protesting Reid comments? I think the troll may be bi-polar, bi-partison, bi-curious?

Limeylizzie May 4, 2011 at 5:50 pm

and bi-ignorant.

user-of-owls May 4, 2011 at 7:25 pm

That would in fact be a great improvement. It is clearly omni-ignorant.

Boojum_Reborn May 4, 2011 at 8:18 pm

Not bi-winning.

SudsMcKenzie May 4, 2011 at 4:08 pm

Robert Novak just ran someone over in his grave.

riverside68 May 4, 2011 at 4:30 pm

He shouldn't be driving in the graveyard.

Negropolis May 4, 2011 at 11:57 pm

He's running down angels in heaven now, bless his heart.

And, by angels I meant demons and by heaven I meant hell and by "running down" I meant "being run down by".

SmutBoffin May 4, 2011 at 4:09 pm

The car is on its way to Guantanamo Bay.

DaRooster May 4, 2011 at 4:09 pm

Headline should have been-
"Harry Reid Injured By…Dew"

real_dc_native May 4, 2011 at 5:52 pm

No headlines on this. Those dews control the media.

Rosie_Scenario May 4, 2011 at 4:10 pm

Troll got me within seconds to prove my point. Good for page views, not so good for pee-ness points.

bumfug May 4, 2011 at 4:11 pm

It was a terrible, terrible car, especially compared to the very, very luxurious cars that Donald Trump drives.

trondant May 4, 2011 at 8:17 pm

He drives?

bumfug May 4, 2011 at 8:32 pm

Right you are! Make it "that Donald Trump rides in while someone with more brains and class than he has drives him around, the hapless driver comforting himself with gruesome death scenarios for the toad in the back seat."

tiredalways May 4, 2011 at 4:12 pm

Has anybody seen the long form birth certificate carfax report of this particular car? Is there any guarantee it was not a muslim-socialist-kenyan-american-job-killer car?

baconzgood May 4, 2011 at 4:14 pm

You're so lame troll. How could you have down fisted THIS!!!?
http://farm1.static.flickr.com/137/321684308_820c

It's too cool! It's evil David Hasselhoff!!! EVIL DAVID HASSELHOFF!!!! DON'T YOU GET IT? EVIL HASSELHOFF!!!

GOPCrusher May 4, 2011 at 5:28 pm

This is why abortions need to stay legal. Chances are just as good that the next fetus that is aborted could be the next Downfister of Hasselhoff as the next Mother Teresa.

emmelemm May 4, 2011 at 6:10 pm

I liked it.

Did they call them "soul patches" back in the 80s?

mereoblivion May 4, 2011 at 4:15 pm

Crikey! Were you caught leaning on a wet car in your jogging suit?

JackDempsey1 May 4, 2011 at 4:16 pm

Until they post the video on U-tube, you'll have to be satisfied with this eyewitness account:

Harry.

Car.

Harry.
Car.

Harry. Car.
Harry Car
HarryCar
HARRYCAR

HARRY!!!!!1!! [blood on sidewalk]

anti0aquabudda May 4, 2011 at 5:43 pm

LMAO

easynewz May 5, 2011 at 6:40 am

Egads. I upfisted the troll by mistake. I will now watch a Sharron Angle campaign video with my eyelids taped open to atone for my sins. Hope I didn't get Santorum on my fist….

tiredalways May 4, 2011 at 4:17 pm

Cars are running-cars are parked. Nobody knows why.

baconzgood May 4, 2011 at 4:20 pm

How come a car has 4 tires and a hover craft has none? You can't explain it.

smokefilledroommate May 4, 2011 at 7:54 pm

Drivin' on parkways, parkin' in driveways, bein' just cold slippy to Harry Reid.. Who can say? The truth is out there.

Clancy_Pants May 4, 2011 at 4:22 pm

You know who else chases parked cars?

smokefilledroommate May 4, 2011 at 6:55 pm

Who can resist a crazy Ben Franklin-type person running up to your window shouting what sounds like 'Blurp Blop Sarah! Sarah!' You roll down the window to see what the hell it wants or needs, and then it takes a dump by your car. It's like you're on safari..

Biel_ze_Bubba May 4, 2011 at 8:25 pm

Dogs who belong to public-employee unions. But I don't know how many of them it takes to chase a parked car.

tessiee May 6, 2011 at 11:03 am

*sings*
I feel pretty…
Oh, so pretty…

elviouslyqueer May 4, 2011 at 4:23 pm

(with apologies to Richard Harris and Donna Summer, respectively)

Harry threw his shoulder out
in the rain…
I didn't think that he could take it,
But at least he didn't break it,
So he won't be using Obamacare the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act again.
Oh nooooooooooooooo!

tessiee May 6, 2011 at 11:01 am

a) Someone left the car out in the rain;
b) Richard Harris and Donna Summer should apologize to the rest of us for that song.

ShaveTheWhales May 6, 2011 at 10:25 pm

To be precise:

1. Jimmy Webb should apologize for the song.
2. Richard Harris should apologize for ever singing. Ever.
3. Donna Summer should apologize for disco, but particularly for covering this piece of shit.

horsedreamer_1 May 4, 2011 at 4:24 pm

Given the incident, & the photo for this post, I would say Reid is morphing into Kucinich.

SorosBot May 4, 2011 at 4:25 pm

Losing one's p-ness really hurts, but it should grow back as it has for some of the other victims of the p-ness thief.

Fare la Volpe May 4, 2011 at 4:29 pm

Hand slips off, Harry goes down. Ya can't explain it. C'mon.

Lazy Media May 4, 2011 at 4:34 pm

I ran into a car once, at full speed. I grew up in the woods, so learned to look at the ground at all times (for snakes), and I was visiting relatives in suburban Seattle and running along the sidewalk and somebody had parked their car across the sidewalk and BOOM. Fortunately, I weighed about 55 pounds at the time, so not that major an impact.

/CSB?

DahBoner May 4, 2011 at 4:39 pm

As an ex-boxer, Reid should have known better.

He fell for the car's Rope-a-Dope trick…

smokefilledroommate May 4, 2011 at 6:39 pm

Jogs like a butterfly, slips like a Democrat Reid.

Texan_Bulldog May 4, 2011 at 4:41 pm

"Reid fell after leaning with his hand on a wet parked car. His hand slipped and the leader tumbled to the ground."

Where's YouTube when you need it? Just goes to show that you should never leave the house without your LifeAlert bracelet if you are old and clumsy….and it is raining.

powersuit May 4, 2011 at 4:43 pm

Is Harry Agent Smith? The bumbling is just a ruse.

smokefilledroommate May 4, 2011 at 4:55 pm

Probably Agent 86–Harry was trying to grab his shoe phone.

nounverb911 May 4, 2011 at 4:43 pm

Dislocated shoulder? Could be out for the season. Will Reid be put on the 15 day or 60 day disabled list? Who are they bringing up from the minors?

What, we're not talking baseball? Nevermind.

hilacious May 4, 2011 at 4:44 pm

Channeling Dennis Kucinich much there Reid?

Sharkey May 4, 2011 at 4:48 pm

Simonizing FTW!

Poindexter718 May 4, 2011 at 4:49 pm

In the car's defense, Sen. Reid was attempting to strike up a conversation about policy with it.

Sharkey May 4, 2011 at 4:51 pm

Go on Harry, Do the Dew!

BTWBFDIMHO May 4, 2011 at 4:54 pm

First time I see Reid, hand and wet in the same line.

savethispatient May 4, 2011 at 5:37 pm

It's the American way, after all. And one that I'm very much happy to embrace.

savethispatient May 4, 2011 at 5:39 pm

Haha… I replied to the wrong post there.. and my reply was perhaps even funnier in the wrong context, but I've deleted it anyway.

neiltheblaze May 4, 2011 at 4:57 pm

This is why I refuse to exercise.

Worthly[♬♪♬♪♫♪♬]Skum May 4, 2011 at 5:03 pm

Later the car showed up at Reid's house, drank all his beer and fucked his wife.

smokefilledroommate May 4, 2011 at 5:06 pm

"Honey, why do you have motor oil all over yourself and on your mouth, by golly? Since when have you been into automobile maintenance?"

simplyblue7 May 4, 2011 at 5:08 pm

I'm going to need some help dumping this car into the ocean.

finallyhappy May 4, 2011 at 5:09 pm

Now I don't want to let on and help the terrorists win but I was in several parts of downtown DC today and saw no increase in security- not on the Mall, not on Metro and not anywhere near Connecticut and K. Now I see why- all forces must have been called on to track down this vicious car!

pdiddycornchips May 4, 2011 at 5:14 pm

This is an obvious Al Qaeda plot. Diabolical geniuses are leaving damp, parked cars all over Washington. If you see something, say something.

ttommyunger May 4, 2011 at 5:23 pm

Where I come from, if you're dumb enough to lean on a car that isn't your own, you'll be lucky to come out of the experience with no more than a bump on the head and a dislocated shoulder. Plus, I know boxers; if Harry moves as fast as he thinks and speaks, he is more Heavy Bag than Boxer. Oh, wait, Orrin Hatch is a boxer too, don't forget. The Senate is just chock full of baddass motherfuckers. Oh well, I'm half right.

Gopherit May 4, 2011 at 5:25 pm

Thank mormon jesus he is more dexterous politically than physically…..cough.

iburl May 4, 2011 at 5:25 pm

The well being of my Pee score dictates that I not call for the release of photos of the car.

DahBoner May 4, 2011 at 5:28 pm

Stop pussy-footing around, Harry. Also, to…

Eve8Apples May 4, 2011 at 5:29 pm

I saw some graffiti scribbled in Mitch McConnell's bathroom:

Reid's
the problem
slippery wet automobile hood
is the answer

genxr May 4, 2011 at 6:05 pm

gO bACK TO sEARCHLIGHT!11!!

GOPCrusher May 4, 2011 at 5:32 pm

Was a drunken Laura Bush behind the wheel?

Negropolis May 5, 2011 at 12:05 am

Mais oui! She's practically the patron sainte of drunk drivers.

real_dc_native May 4, 2011 at 5:42 pm

I had a dog once that ran into a parked car. She hit it so hard that she slid half-way under it and I had to take her to the vet to be checked out. I thought that she was a stupid dog for doing that.

No wonder this country is going to the dogs.

anti0aquabudda May 4, 2011 at 5:45 pm

I heard the TSA was giving Harry a pat down at the airport when the TSA agent realized a crevas was present where a bump should be present, which then led to a tussle and Harry blowing out his shoulder!

jus_wonderin May 4, 2011 at 5:55 pm

Maybe stationary should be stationery??

Papa_Uniform May 4, 2011 at 5:56 pm

Breaking News! Car just found shot thru the left headlight. Photos to follow.

jus_wonderin May 4, 2011 at 6:01 pm

Oh noes. The photo will just agitate the other stationary cars. Soon we will all be falling down near parked cars.

Weenus299 May 4, 2011 at 6:01 pm

Al-Carda claimed responsibility.

MinAgain May 4, 2011 at 6:06 pm

Obviously, the car is a Teabagger.

Biel_ze_Bubba May 4, 2011 at 6:39 pm

Obviously a late-model car… the sheet metal (and chrome bumpers) of an old American land yacht would have done him in for sure.

smokefilledroommate May 4, 2011 at 6:44 pm

I wish they'd release the 'growsome' photos, but that'll never happen.

donner_froh May 4, 2011 at 6:44 pm

Harry Reid: Forgotten but not gone.

genxr May 4, 2011 at 6:53 pm

From what I recall, he found that Plymouth Fury in a field, old, unused, and overgrown with bush.

So yeah, that's itinerant Senate candidate Christine!

anti0aquabudda May 4, 2011 at 7:24 pm

I heard that Harry Reid offered to raise the white flag to OBL (like he did prior to the Iraq surge) but Hillary Clinton took him to the wood shed mintues beforehand.

widget2011 May 4, 2011 at 7:26 pm

I want to know where Andrew Breitbart was at the time Harry Reid "slipped" on said car. Harry needs to sharpen his boxing skills, by all accounts, he is a little rusty.

trondant May 4, 2011 at 8:26 pm

That car may have been parked, but it was definitely pursuing a second gear remedy.

smokefilledroommate May 4, 2011 at 8:58 pm

Maybe Harry was just born slippy.

user-of-owls May 4, 2011 at 9:05 pm

Will you just look at that photo! Talk about filth. The robot sex slave, with CAT scrawled cruelly alongside its haunches, is clearly beginning its ritual bend-over so as to endure yet another Harry Reaming.

Dudleydidwrong May 4, 2011 at 9:52 pm

I can't believe that he was injured that badly. What is his Mormon underwear for, if it doesn't protect the wearer from damage from parked cars. Holy underwear, Harry! You need a new pair.

Negropolis May 4, 2011 at 11:44 pm

Worst. Accident. Ever.

I slipped whilst leaning on a wet car. Yeah, right. He might as well have just busted out the old "I fell down the stores." story.

Either way, we should call in Seal Team Six to deep-six this potentially murderous auto.

Bin Laden's Revenge!

tessiee May 6, 2011 at 11:10 am

"He might as well have just busted out the old "I fell down the stores." story. "

I fell down the stairs when I was a kid, and I once actually got a black eye from walking into a door, but never have I fallen down the stores.

You prolly need more coffee, huh?

Negropolis May 4, 2011 at 11:48 pm

You know what other automobiles have sought and/or achieved the maiming or killing human beings?

horsedreamer_1 May 4, 2011 at 11:50 pm

#3?

Angry_Marmot May 5, 2011 at 1:31 am

My Mother, the Car?

AJW@[redacted] May 4, 2011 at 11:55 pm

I've dislocated my shoulders many times, both at once while water skiing one time. Finally got one fixed, took over a year to recover. I don't want to go through that again, though the drugs were sublime. Get well soon, Harry, then retire. Please.

Negropolis May 4, 2011 at 11:59 pm

BTW, Harry, if you dislocated your shoulder, you're doing it wrong…if you know what I mean.

Negropolis May 5, 2011 at 12:03 am

Plus, trying to embrace something expends more calories than I'm willing to give. It's too strenuous a task, so I just don't do it. If I didn't have to breath, I wouldn't.

gurukalehuru May 5, 2011 at 12:54 am

How is the car? HOW IS THE CAR?!

fuflans May 5, 2011 at 1:57 am

CAN'T WE GET WONKETTE TO COVER BADGERS WITH GPS???!?!?

jeez.

An_Outhouse May 5, 2011 at 8:26 am

First Dennis Kucinich gets his teeth knocked out by an olive pit, and now this. Have Nixon's plumbers been reconstituted?

James Michael Curley May 5, 2011 at 9:23 am

Can't teach an old dog new tricks. Harry is out chasing cars again, but if he caught one he wouldn't know what to do with it.

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