Beloved Patriot John Ashcroft Works For Blackwater Now

  let the eagle soar

Fundamentalist fringe-right creep John Ashcroft is now working for fringe-right private death squad contractor Blackwater (since renamed to try to make people forget it’s called Blackwater). Hooray for corruption, crony capitalism, disastrous wingnuttery and U.S. death squads:

Ashcroft’s arrival at Xe is yet another clear signal it’s not giving up the quest for lucrative government security contracts now that it’s no longer owned by founder Erik Prince, even as it emphasizes the side of its business that trains law enforcement officers. In September, it won part of a $10 billion State Department contract to protect diplomats, starting with the U.S. consulate in Jerusalem. Ashcroft, a U.S. senator before becoming attorney general in the Bush administration, is a very known quantity to the federal officials that Xe will pitch. Even if he’s not lobbying for Blackwater, Ashcroft’s addition on the board is meant to inspire confidence in government officials of its newfound rectitude.

[Wired via Boing Boing]

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A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne

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53 comments

  1. Sophist [غني عن ذلك]

    He does like covering bodies with sheets, so I guess this will be fun for him.

  2. SmutBoffin

    Blackwater should diversify its services. Strike breaking, immigrant hunting, etc.

  3. freakishlywrong

    Ashcroft’s addition on the board is meant to inspire confidence in government officials of its newfound rectitude.

    They misspelled "rectum".

  4. edgydrifter

    Wherever a statue's filthy, naughty breast is exposed, wherever a calico cat strolls diabolically, Ashcroft will be there.

  5. walstib

    If he starts harmonizing with the psycho-less-than-honorable-discharge employees, well that's just great. A little song is good for the soul, right?

    Once these happy pills wear off, I will delete this.

  6. ghblowhard

    When asked what she thought about Mr. Ashcroft's new position at Blackwater Sarah Palin replied: Moses turned water into blood, I don't see why this is a big deal.

  7. neiltheblaze

    He wanted to call his new post 9/11 agency the "Fatherland Security Agency" but was overruled. Let the eagle fucking soar, etc.

  8. BZ1

    "Ashcroft finds home with kindred spirits"… to the tune of "Let the Eagle Soar"…

  9. freakishlywrong

    Well fuck. It IS an Ashcroft post.
    ♫ ♪ Let theeeeeee Eaaaaaaaagle Soooooaaaaaar ♪♫

  10. Hatrabbit

    From Republican Attorney General to Death Squad lobbyist.

    Seamless transition FTW.

  11. Gopherit

    I am sure Jesus led him to this fortunate convergence of his two favorite things……hurting people and making money. Being part of the mighty crusader sword that is Xe probably makes him feel like singing.

    In a just universe, tomorrow's news would include his hospitalization for recurrent pancreatitis.

  12. metamarcisf

    Looking forward to his upcoming duet with spastic Woodstock casualty Joe Cocker: "Up Where the Eagles Soar Beyond"

  13. mumbly_joe

    To be fair, nothing says, "we're not going to do vodka shots out of each others anuses" like hiring the guy who hid Justice, because she has an exposed boobie. Well, depending on the reason, at least.

  14. HateMachine

    "Ashcroft, a U.S. senator before becoming attorney general in the Bush administration, is a very known quantity to the federal officials that Xe will pitch. Even if he’s not lobbying for Blackwater, Ashcroft’s addition on the board is meant to inspire confidence in government officials of its newfound rectitude."

    This paragraph and a joke about this paragraph are completely identical.

  15. SorosBot

    Ken missed the best part; Ashcroft's position is to be in charge of (no joke) "ethics and professionalism". Since he knows nothing about either, he's a perfect fit for the mercenary death-squad company.

    1. bumfug

      Good move – "ethics" and "professionalism" should always be in quotation marks when used in reference to Ashcroft.

  16. Not_So_Much

    This is all just a front for his real job of writing them a new corporate song. No easy task for a pile of shit named "Xe".

  17. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Well, at least now, when you get accidentally killed by some over the top mercenary, you will have someone singing a bad patriotic song at the same time.

  18. Gorillionaire

    Teachers and policemen get laid off, and these assholes just swing from job to six figure job. Have they hired Joe The Plumber yet?

  19. pinkocommi

    If I had to be subjected to waterboarding or Ashcroft's barbershop quartet, I'd choose waterboarding.

  20. MiniMencken

    Nothing inspires confidence in a mercenary like knowing he asked for and received seven draft deferments during the Viet Nam War.

  21. GeneralLerong

    Maybe Xe was looking for Predator bait for their next jungle expedition.

    Well, we can hope, can't we?

  22. flamingpdog

    WTF? I thought XE specialized in beating live people. Ashcroft couldn't even beat a dead guy.

  23. ttommyunger

    No snark, this is a perfect fit. Both Ashcroft and Founder Erik Prince are members of the "Kill 'em all, let God sort them out" branch of Xtianity. Both have delusions of grandeur, both are quitters and both of them are clinically psychotic in a paranoid schizophrenic kind of way.

    1. zhubajie

      Quite true. Asscrack speaks in tongues as well, so he can discover that whatever Prince want's to do is G-d's Will!

      1. ttommyunger

        The scary thing that most people don't realize is that both of these motherfuckers are absolutely sincere in their mindset and their belief systems is set in concrete as is their sense of righteousness (and being totally right). It has to be for them to get up every morning and live in their skins. Give a fuckwad like that money/power he is one dangerous asshole.

  24. PubOption

    Xe is the chemical symbol for xenon, one of the inert (or noble) gases. Neither adjective seems to fit the company or the man.

  25. KeepFnThatChicken

    Just remember that he loves the Jesus so much, he rubbed himself with cooking oil before starting both his gubernatorial terms.

    And now he has access to more fucking guns than you can shake a pointed stick™ at.

    1. L188188

      I think he covered up the naked sweater cows on the statue of "justice" at the DOJ too, didn't he?

  26. carlgt1

    I'll never forget that the Bush White House advised Ashcroft to stop flying commercial jets 3 months before 9/11. I'm sure that was all just a coincidence though.

  27. Rosie_Scenario

    Never forget. Asscrotch was named AG after he lost his Senate re-election race to a deceased candidate. Now that screams "popular."

  28. TheMeatmaker

    He did, however, require them to cover the nude genitals on the large-scale Abu Ghraib photos hanging in the corporate lobby.

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