LET THE EAGLE SOAR  1:01 pm May 4, 2011

Beloved Patriot John Ashcroft Works For Blackwater Now

by Ken Layne

Fundamentalist fringe-right creep John Ashcroft is now working for fringe-right private death squad contractor Blackwater (since renamed to try to make people forget it’s called Blackwater). Hooray for corruption, crony capitalism, disastrous wingnuttery and U.S. death squads:

Ashcroft’s arrival at Xe is yet another clear signal it’s not giving up the quest for lucrative government security contracts now that it’s no longer owned by founder Erik Prince, even as it emphasizes the side of its business that trains law enforcement officers. In September, it won part of a $10 billion State Department contract to protect diplomats, starting with the U.S. consulate in Jerusalem. Ashcroft, a U.S. senator before becoming attorney general in the Bush administration, is a very known quantity to the federal officials that Xe will pitch. Even if he’s not lobbying for Blackwater, Ashcroft’s addition on the board is meant to inspire confidence in government officials of its newfound rectitude.

[Wired via Boing Boing]

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nounverb911 May 4, 2011 at 1:08 pm

"Let the Uzis soar!"

Angry_Marmot May 4, 2011 at 9:41 pm

"But cover up them ta-tas!"

carlgt1 May 5, 2011 at 1:23 pm

Let the eagle's guns roar?

Sophist [غني عن ذلك] May 4, 2011 at 1:11 pm

He does like covering bodies with sheets, so I guess this will be fun for him.

SmutBoffin May 4, 2011 at 1:13 pm

Blackwater should diversify its services. Strike breaking, immigrant hunting, etc.

freakishlywrong May 4, 2011 at 1:14 pm

Ashcroft’s addition on the board is meant to inspire confidence in government officials of its newfound rectitude.

They misspelled "rectum".

edgydrifter May 4, 2011 at 1:14 pm

Wherever a statue's filthy, naughty breast is exposed, wherever a calico cat strolls diabolically, Ashcroft will be there.

walstib May 4, 2011 at 1:15 pm

If he starts harmonizing with the psycho-less-than-honorable-discharge employees, well that's just great. A little song is good for the soul, right?

Once these happy pills wear off, I will delete this.

ghblowhard May 4, 2011 at 1:17 pm

When asked what she thought about Mr. Ashcroft's new position at Blackwater Sarah Palin replied: Moses turned water into blood, I don't see why this is a big deal.

johnnyzhivago May 4, 2011 at 1:17 pm

I hear he's serving on the Employee Compensation and Torture committee…

ChapterUndVerse May 4, 2011 at 8:04 pm

In the Dept. of Redundancy Dept.

neiltheblaze May 4, 2011 at 1:18 pm

He wanted to call his new post 9/11 agency the "Fatherland Security Agency" but was overruled. Let the eagle fucking soar, etc.

ifthethunderdontgetya May 4, 2011 at 1:18 pm

its newfound rectitude

Cthulhu approved jingle!

BZ1 May 4, 2011 at 1:19 pm

"Ashcroft finds home with kindred spirits"… to the tune of "Let the Eagle Soar"…

freakishlywrong May 4, 2011 at 1:21 pm

Well fuck. It IS an Ashcroft post.
♫ ♪ Let theeeeeee Eaaaaaaaagle Soooooaaaaaar ♪♫

Hatrabbit May 4, 2011 at 1:22 pm

Good to know death squads are still hiring in this difficult market.

Hatrabbit May 4, 2011 at 1:23 pm

From Republican Attorney General to Death Squad lobbyist.

Seamless transition FTW.

Gopherit May 4, 2011 at 1:28 pm

I am sure Jesus led him to this fortunate convergence of his two favorite things……hurting people and making money. Being part of the mighty crusader sword that is Xe probably makes him feel like singing.

In a just universe, tomorrow's news would include his hospitalization for recurrent pancreatitis.

metamarcisf May 4, 2011 at 1:29 pm

Looking forward to his upcoming duet with spastic Woodstock casualty Joe Cocker: "Up Where the Eagles Soar Beyond"

mumbly_joe May 4, 2011 at 1:31 pm

To be fair, nothing says, "we're not going to do vodka shots out of each others anuses" like hiring the guy who hid Justice, because she has an exposed boobie. Well, depending on the reason, at least.

Angry_Marmot May 4, 2011 at 9:51 pm

He brought his own lube.

FlownOver May 4, 2011 at 1:36 pm

Because everybody knows Bush Justice Department = rectitude.

Bonzos_Bed_Time May 4, 2011 at 1:39 pm

I thought it was nipple-less paintings = socialism

MissTaken May 4, 2011 at 1:46 pm

Ashcroft at Xe/Blackwater! Ass shots for everyone!

HateMachine May 4, 2011 at 1:47 pm

"Ashcroft, a U.S. senator before becoming attorney general in the Bush administration, is a very known quantity to the federal officials that Xe will pitch. Even if he’s not lobbying for Blackwater, Ashcroft’s addition on the board is meant to inspire confidence in government officials of its newfound rectitude."

This paragraph and a joke about this paragraph are completely identical.

SorosBot May 4, 2011 at 1:56 pm

Ken missed the best part; Ashcroft's position is to be in charge of (no joke) "ethics and professionalism". Since he knows nothing about either, he's a perfect fit for the mercenary death-squad company.

bumfug May 4, 2011 at 2:11 pm

Good move – "ethics" and "professionalism" should always be in quotation marks when used in reference to Ashcroft.

ChapterUndVerse May 4, 2011 at 8:06 pm

And Xe.

baconzgood May 4, 2011 at 2:07 pm


Not_So_Much May 4, 2011 at 2:07 pm

This is all just a front for his real job of writing them a new corporate song. No easy task for a pile of shit named "Xe".

Lionel[redacted]Esq May 4, 2011 at 2:14 pm

Well, at least now, when you get accidentally killed by some over the top mercenary, you will have someone singing a bad patriotic song at the same time.

Gorillionaire May 4, 2011 at 2:16 pm

Teachers and policemen get laid off, and these assholes just swing from job to six figure job. Have they hired Joe The Plumber yet?

MiniMencken May 4, 2011 at 2:39 pm

Better yet, the ash-hole is 69 years old.

pinkocommi May 4, 2011 at 2:34 pm

If I had to be subjected to waterboarding or Ashcroft's barbershop quartet, I'd choose waterboarding.

MiniMencken May 4, 2011 at 2:38 pm

Nothing inspires confidence in a mercenary like knowing he asked for and received seven draft deferments during the Viet Nam War.

GeneralLerong May 4, 2011 at 3:00 pm

Maybe Xe was looking for Predator bait for their next jungle expedition.

Well, we can hope, can't we?

flamingpdog May 4, 2011 at 3:05 pm

WTF? I thought XE specialized in beating live people. Ashcroft couldn't even beat a dead guy.

horsedreamer_1 May 4, 2011 at 3:17 pm

I learned that Sharlto Copley is a maniac.

horsedreamer_1 May 4, 2011 at 3:17 pm

Guess Alberto Gonzalez's strong-arming did end up working.

ttommyunger May 4, 2011 at 3:19 pm

No snark, this is a perfect fit. Both Ashcroft and Founder Erik Prince are members of the "Kill 'em all, let God sort them out" branch of Xtianity. Both have delusions of grandeur, both are quitters and both of them are clinically psychotic in a paranoid schizophrenic kind of way.

zhubajie May 4, 2011 at 11:02 pm

Quite true. Asscrack speaks in tongues as well, so he can discover that whatever Prince want's to do is G-d's Will!

ttommyunger May 5, 2011 at 7:04 am

The scary thing that most people don't realize is that both of these motherfuckers are absolutely sincere in their mindset and their belief systems is set in concrete as is their sense of righteousness (and being totally right). It has to be for them to get up every morning and live in their skins. Give a fuckwad like that money/power he is one dangerous asshole.

zhubajie May 11, 2011 at 4:04 pm

Sincere fanatics are always more dangerous than plain crooks.

lochnessmonster May 4, 2011 at 5:26 pm

How much does he get paid?

MinAgain May 4, 2011 at 6:13 pm

The Xe stands for "Xtra evil".

PubOption May 5, 2011 at 9:08 am

Xe is the chemical symbol for xenon, one of the inert (or noble) gases. Neither adjective seems to fit the company or the man.

KeepFnThatChicken May 5, 2011 at 9:35 am

Just remember that he loves the Jesus so much, he rubbed himself with cooking oil before starting both his gubernatorial terms.

And now he has access to more fucking guns than you can shake a pointed stick™ at.

L188188 May 5, 2011 at 2:43 pm

I think he covered up the naked sweater cows on the statue of "justice" at the DOJ too, didn't he?

carlgt1 May 5, 2011 at 11:51 am

I'll never forget that the Bush White House advised Ashcroft to stop flying commercial jets 3 months before 9/11. I'm sure that was all just a coincidence though.

Rosie_Scenario May 5, 2011 at 1:19 pm

Never forget. Asscrotch was named AG after he lost his Senate re-election race to a deceased candidate. Now that screams "popular."

L188188 May 5, 2011 at 2:42 pm

Rectitude? Damn near killed itude.

exchangerates May 5, 2011 at 10:48 pm

Actually, I heard they were just going to replace him with a dead guy. Mel Carnahan maybe.

TheMeatmaker May 6, 2011 at 8:56 pm

He did, however, require them to cover the nude genitals on the large-scale Abu Ghraib photos hanging in the corporate lobby.

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