New Osama Bin Laden Details For a Hungry Media

 
 The past few days, the media have engorged themselves on a litany of little details about Osama bin Laden's living conditions at the time of his death. But today, they've seen to hit a wall. Look, government officials, it's not like they're going to look into the veracity of whatever you give them, just throw some stuff their way! What are they going to do, start reporting other stories again? That sucked! So in an effort to provide new reports about what was going on in that mansion, we've made up some new details, for the good of us all:

• Bin Laden did not use his wife as a human shield. He used his friend and housemate Thomas Pynchon.

• The mansion didn't stick out because all of the compounds in bin Laden's subdivision look exactly the same; buyers in the Pakistan suburbs these days are all looking for a two-car garage, vaulted ceilings, and giant barbed-wire barricade fences.

• Bin Laden and the whole place reeked of AXE Body Spray.

• His aides may have bought both Pepsi and Coca-Cola at the local market, but, despite hating the West, bin Laden had a soft spot for Coke kitsch. His billiards/ballistics room was painted red and decorated in classic Coca-Cola signs and memorabilia. He owned an AK-47 made out of Coke cans and bottles he cared for as deeply as his wives, and would shoot a man if he poked fun at it.

• "That's not a beard! This is a beard!" bin Laden was fond of saying, in a terrible Crocodile Dundee accent, when he was ordering the murders of men with beards.

• Lots of sudoku books. Just a shitload of sudoku books.

• The weapons workshop was based on Anakin Skywalker's in Star Wars Episode I . The uranium was kept in a Taco Bell Jar Jar Binks souvenir soda cup.

• Bin Laden was one of those people who handed out change to children at Halloween. The kids couldn't tell if he wore a costume every day of the year, because that's always how he looked.

• Teevee was always tuned to Spike TV.

• His skull made just the most delightful dead-terrorist sound when the SEALs shot him.

That should be enough for today's news cycle. You're welcome.