Osama Bin Laden Had Cash, Phone Numbers Sewn Into Jacket Like a Child

by Jack Stuef

Osama bin Laden had cash totaling 500 Euros and two telephone numbers sewn into his clothing when he was killed — sure signs that he was prepared to flee his compound at a moment’s notice — top U.S. intelligence officials told members of Congress at a classified briefing in the Capitol Tuesday.

But did his mother attach his mittens to his sleeves? What if he got cold? And what if he got hungry and forgot to call the emergency numbers? Did he have some fruit snacks sewn in there too?

The most striking detail is that he carried euros. Remember all those years when the U.S. had the world’s undisputed number-one currency? Our currency became just as afraid of this man as we were. [Politico]

 

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{ 81 comments }

Mumbletypeg May 4, 2011 at 11:25 am

sewn into his clothing when he was killed

Weird. And a lot of trouble to go to. All this time I'd have thought that's what they kept stashed under the turbans & burqas.

Polythene_Pam May 4, 2011 at 11:37 am

Did anyone check the rest of his clothes in his closet? Did they all have money & phone numbers sewn into them or did they sew them into each new outfit as he dressed each day?

obfuscator2 May 4, 2011 at 9:53 pm

if he were a true hipster islamic extremist, he'd have been wearing the skinny fit multi-pocketed jihad robe sold exclusively at turban outfitters.

LesBontemps May 4, 2011 at 9:59 pm

Ow ow ow ow ow! Damn you!

ablington May 4, 2011 at 11:27 am

Also sewn into his clothes: 3 frozen pizzas, a frisbee, a shitload of coupons, lice comb, Nintendo DS, Avon Skin-So-Soft.

Dr_Zoidberg May 4, 2011 at 12:19 pm

…box of kittens, last month's Playboy, one half-eaten Hot Pocket (barbecue chicken)…

DaRooster May 4, 2011 at 3:46 pm

One Monopoly "Get out of jail free" card

GhostBuggy May 4, 2011 at 3:59 pm

Were they Godfather's Pizzas?

Frost/Nixon/Robocop May 4, 2011 at 11:27 am

If he carried dollars they would probably be Canadian dollars.

elviouslyqueer May 4, 2011 at 11:31 am

Was one of the emergency phone numbers the 1-800 line to Morgan & Morgan?

DaRooster May 4, 2011 at 11:31 am

Shoulda had some Kevlar sewn in there…

Preferred Customer May 4, 2011 at 2:37 pm

Wouldn't have helped much with a head shot.

DaRooster May 4, 2011 at 3:48 pm

Kevlar Ray Bans then, too… also.

Not_So_Much May 4, 2011 at 11:32 am

Did he also have idiot mittens sewn together with a string that ran across the shoulders so if you pull on one, he punches himself in the face?

nounverb911 May 4, 2011 at 11:52 am

Didn't Mittens Romney invent those?

Bonzos_Bed_Time May 4, 2011 at 12:11 pm

He's a Muslin: The string ran to a suicide vest.

edgydrifter May 4, 2011 at 11:34 am

Did his mittens have that string that goes all the way up one sleeve and down the other? What day of the week was written on his Underoos?

horsedreamer_1 May 4, 2011 at 11:55 am
Schmannnity May 4, 2011 at 11:34 am

What a loser. Should have watched more Bourne movies.

BZ1 May 4, 2011 at 11:35 am

Euros, how would those poor citizens feel, being sewn into clothes?

CliveWarren May 4, 2011 at 11:38 am

No wonder he didn't get out much. The other kids would have been all over the loser in Onesies…

Schmannnity May 4, 2011 at 11:39 am

Survival kit contents check. In them you'll find: one .45-caliber automatic, two boxes ammunition, four days' concentrated emergency rations, one drug issue containing antibiotics, morphine, vitamin pills, pep pills, sleeping pills, tranquilizer pills, one miniature combination "Rooshin" phrase book and Bible, one hundred dollars in rubles, one hundred dollars in gold, nine packs of chewing gum, one issue of prophylactics, three lipsticks, three pair of nylon stockings… Shoot, a fella could have a pretty good weekend in Vegas with all that stuff

Doktor Zoom May 4, 2011 at 11:44 am

YEEEEEEEEEE-HAAAAAWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!

proudgrampa May 4, 2011 at 12:11 pm

Osama had multiple wives, right?

"Doctor, you mentioned the ration of ten women to each man. Now, wouldn't that necessitate the abandonment of the so called monogamous sexual relationship, I mean, as far as men were concerned?"
"Regrettably, yes. But it is, you know, a sacrifice required for the future of the human race. I hasten to add that since each man will be required to do prodigious… service along these lines, the women will have to be selected for their sexual characteristics which will have to be of a highly stimulating nature"

Tundra Grifter May 4, 2011 at 3:05 pm

'If you're not telling the truth, you'll have to answer to…The Coca-Cola Company!"

Tundra Grifter May 10, 2011 at 7:02 pm

I forgot to attribute that quote: – Col. "Bat" Guano.

Steverino247 May 4, 2011 at 4:53 pm

And Obama has denied us his essence. Good!

Tundra Grifter May 4, 2011 at 5:38 pm

Wasn't worth nothin' anyway – the floride in the water ruined it.

Hatrabbit May 4, 2011 at 11:40 am

She also taped a sign on his back whenever he went out: "Hey strangers, sweet ass here–yours for the taking"

nounverb911 May 4, 2011 at 11:46 am

Was one of the telephone numbers for Arbusto Energy?

Schmannnity May 4, 2011 at 11:50 am

Carlyle Group after hours numbers

Doktor Zoom May 4, 2011 at 11:46 am

Far more telling was the Polaroid photo of George Bush with this scribbled on the back: "DON'T BELIEVE HIS LIES. HE IS THE ONE. KILL HIM."

You see, Osama had this condition…

mrblifil May 4, 2011 at 11:50 am

Gah…my Dr. Strangelove reference was already poached. I fucking hate this place sometimes….

widestanceroman May 4, 2011 at 11:51 am

Oh, the day we'd have here if they'd found Survival Seeds and Palin's cell number. . .

axmxz May 4, 2011 at 12:01 pm

One word: Goldline.

carlgt1 May 4, 2011 at 11:53 am

I anxiously await photos of his Garanimals wardrobe!

jus_wonderin May 4, 2011 at 11:59 am

Dang you!!

I was going to say Terranimals!!

horsedreamer_1 May 4, 2011 at 11:54 am

You know who else disdained American greenbacks & asked to be compensated in Euros?

Schmannnity May 4, 2011 at 11:59 am

Dick Morris's whore toe suckers?

Zvi_Bleindmeis May 4, 2011 at 12:02 pm

Ron Paul?

nounverb911 May 4, 2011 at 12:08 pm

No, he insisted on being paid in KrugerRANDS.

Dr_Zoidberg May 4, 2011 at 12:21 pm

Glen Beck?

RedneckMuslin May 4, 2011 at 12:24 pm

Goldline?

Lionel[redacted]Esq May 4, 2011 at 1:09 pm

Jesus?

Rosie_Scenario May 4, 2011 at 2:50 pm

Some famous model — Giselle Bundchen?

AJW@[redacted] May 4, 2011 at 9:38 pm

OPEC?

zhubajie May 4, 2011 at 11:22 pm

Me, except I get renminbi.

nounverb911 May 4, 2011 at 11:54 am

OT (sort of): Has Fox News actually referred to Osama as Osama yet?

Extemporanus May 4, 2011 at 2:11 pm

A number of times, though the most egregious switcheroo yet was uttered by ol' Glenn Beck himself on his Monday, May 2 show:

"There's no shortage of reasons why you'd be entirely justified in killing Obama, so I think…uh, uh, Osamablah, blah, blah…"

That's not verbatim, though it's pretty damn close. However, I may have been the only person in the world to catch it because I haven't seen it mentioned anywhere else. (It really, truly did happen, though!)

If you're looking for the clip, he was wearing a mint shirt, pink tie, and beige tweed blazer (really!), I think it was during his opening "monologue", and he was all up in the camera when he said it. (Also really!)

Callyson May 4, 2011 at 12:01 pm

cash totaling 500 Euros and two telephone numbers sewn into his clothing when he was killed — sure signs that he was prepared to flee his compound at a moment’s notice
1. Um, how far was he going to get with 500 Euros?
2. The world's most feared terrorist can't remember two phone numbers?

BTWBFDIMHO May 4, 2011 at 12:29 pm

Apparently, he was also a member of Al-Zheimer.

ShaveTheWhales May 6, 2011 at 9:18 pm

This deserves more recognition than it has gotten; therefore I will steal it.

plinkleton May 4, 2011 at 12:04 pm

tell jack stuef that is an awfully jejune mockery of OBL. I'm sure if stuef was ever in OBL's position he would have a hugely dignified and un-mockable plan for escape. involving an Aston Martin with an ejector seat .We just haven't heard it.

Limeylizzie May 5, 2011 at 6:27 am

I love you for using "jejeune" here on the Wonkette

J Rbt. Oppenheiner May 4, 2011 at 12:07 pm

In just a few minutes now, your dad will be forwarding you an email saying that OSAMA BIN LADIN HAD SOROS NUMBER ON HIM WHEN HE WUZ KILLDED

Bonzos_Bed_Time May 4, 2011 at 12:09 pm

Sounds like the Romanoves… didn't work out so well for them, either.

V572..whatever May 4, 2011 at 12:11 pm

€500 would last him about an hour and a half in Paris, if he rode the Metro instead of taking a taxi. Not good planning, Osama's mommy!

Bonzos_Bed_Time May 4, 2011 at 12:15 pm
Weenus299 May 4, 2011 at 12:24 pm

Terr'ist summer camp is hell on jackets.

ttommyunger May 4, 2011 at 12:24 pm

The clothing, cash and phone numbers are gone now, but on the bright side he now has Pig Genitalia sewn securely inside his mouth.

Schmannnity May 4, 2011 at 12:30 pm

No wonder they won't release the photo.

ttommyunger May 4, 2011 at 12:35 pm

Well, if you've seen one dead terrorist with a pig dick in his mouth, you've seen 'em all.

Steverino247 May 4, 2011 at 4:56 pm

Speak for yourself. I want to see as many of them as exist.

DangerHelvetica May 4, 2011 at 12:25 pm

Just a reminder: this is the guy the Bush administration took seven years to not find.

DaRooster May 4, 2011 at 3:54 pm

Just what happens when you… um… FLY IN AND BOMB THE SHIT OUT OF AN AREA when trying to get one guy. But then I guess you don't get to kill a bunch of innocent folks around the area if you do it somewhat stealthily… so that kinda sucks.

zhubajie May 4, 2011 at 11:23 pm

Of course not. They and he had a good thing going.

fuflans May 4, 2011 at 12:27 pm

i think we need to move on from bin laden coverage. i mean, o'bama's school records aren't going to release themselves people.

DaRooster May 4, 2011 at 3:55 pm

Needs more "White House watermelon plantings".

hilacious May 4, 2011 at 12:30 pm

Release the numbers! I'm in a feisty mood and I have a brand new air horn!

plinkleton May 4, 2011 at 1:01 pm

uhh, hate to tell you but Euros are worth more than dollars and therefore have more bullet stopping power

Gopherit May 4, 2011 at 1:19 pm

But Euros are all limp and frenchy. I have no doubt that ben franklin would save me. America, fuck yeah.

simplyblue7 May 4, 2011 at 1:22 pm

Euros? What an asshole!

NorthStarSpanx May 5, 2011 at 10:07 am

I think it is rather hard to carry the true valued currency, you can't stuff virgins into your pockets.

PostApocalypse May 5, 2011 at 2:33 pm

Not if you expect them to remain virgins, anyway.

Wilcoxyz May 4, 2011 at 2:00 pm

Also, "Wednesday" was sewn on his underwear. But Obamar says he was shot on Sunday. Teabaggers, please discuss.

chascates May 4, 2011 at 2:00 pm

And one of those compasses that points towards Mecca.

johnnyzhivago May 4, 2011 at 2:06 pm

Phone numbers??

Dopey Osama didn't realize you can't even book a camel rental without using the Internet now-adays…

Rosie_Scenario May 4, 2011 at 2:43 pm

Kinda like O.J. for the slow speed Bronco chase.

Steverino247 May 4, 2011 at 5:00 pm

Found in the George W. Bush Presidential Library:

"Dear Mr. Bush,

Please excuse little Osama's recent behavior. He promises not to be mean to any more Americans.

Osama's Mom"

AJW@[redacted] May 4, 2011 at 9:42 pm

Can of bean dip, some Salem Lights…

NorthStarSpanx May 5, 2011 at 10:06 am

Does 500 Euros really go that far in Paki?

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