you have to hand it to a handi-snacks kid

Osama Bin Laden Had Cash, Phone Numbers Sewn Into Jacket Like a Child

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Osama bin Laden had cash totaling 500 Euros and two telephone numbers sewn into his clothing when he was killed — sure signs that he was prepared to flee his compound at a moment’s notice — top U.S. intelligence officials told members of Congress at a classified briefing in the Capitol Tuesday.

But did his mother attach his mittens to his sleeves? What if he got cold? And what if he got hungry and forgot to call the emergency numbers? Did he have some fruit snacks sewn in there too?

The most striking detail is that he carried euros. Remember all those years when the U.S. had the world’s undisputed number-one currency? Our currency became just as afraid of this man as we were. [Politico]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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  • Mumbletypeg

    sewn into his clothing when he was killed

    Weird. And a lot of trouble to go to. All this time I'd have thought that's what they kept stashed under the turbans & burqas.

    • Polythene_Pam

      Did anyone check the rest of his clothes in his closet? Did they all have money & phone numbers sewn into them or did they sew them into each new outfit as he dressed each day?

    • obfuscator2

      if he were a true hipster islamic extremist, he'd have been wearing the skinny fit multi-pocketed jihad robe sold exclusively at turban outfitters.

      • LesBontemps

        Ow ow ow ow ow! Damn you!

  • ablington

    Also sewn into his clothes: 3 frozen pizzas, a frisbee, a shitload of coupons, lice comb, Nintendo DS, Avon Skin-So-Soft.

    • Dr_Zoidberg

      …box of kittens, last month's Playboy, one half-eaten Hot Pocket (barbecue chicken)…

    • DaRooster

      One Monopoly "Get out of jail free" card

    • GhostBuggy

      Were they Godfather's Pizzas?

  • Frost/Nixon/Robocop

    If he carried dollars they would probably be Canadian dollars.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Was one of the emergency phone numbers the 1-800 line to Morgan & Morgan?

  • DaRooster

    Shoulda had some Kevlar sewn in there…

    • Preferred Customer

      Wouldn't have helped much with a head shot.

      • DaRooster

        Kevlar Ray Bans then, too… also.

  • Not_So_Much

    Did he also have idiot mittens sewn together with a string that ran across the shoulders so if you pull on one, he punches himself in the face?

    • nounverb911

      Didn't Mittens Romney invent those?

    • Bonzos_Bed_Time

      He's a Muslin: The string ran to a suicide vest.

  • edgydrifter

    Did his mittens have that string that goes all the way up one sleeve and down the other? What day of the week was written on his Underoos?

  • Schmannnity

    What a loser. Should have watched more Bourne movies.

  • BZ1

    Euros, how would those poor citizens feel, being sewn into clothes?

  • CliveWarren

    No wonder he didn't get out much. The other kids would have been all over the loser in Onesies…

  • Schmannnity

    Survival kit contents check. In them you'll find: one .45-caliber automatic, two boxes ammunition, four days' concentrated emergency rations, one drug issue containing antibiotics, morphine, vitamin pills, pep pills, sleeping pills, tranquilizer pills, one miniature combination "Rooshin" phrase book and Bible, one hundred dollars in rubles, one hundred dollars in gold, nine packs of chewing gum, one issue of prophylactics, three lipsticks, three pair of nylon stockings… Shoot, a fella could have a pretty good weekend in Vegas with all that stuff

    • Doktor Zoom


    • proudgrampa

      Osama had multiple wives, right?

      "Doctor, you mentioned the ration of ten women to each man. Now, wouldn't that necessitate the abandonment of the so called monogamous sexual relationship, I mean, as far as men were concerned?"
      "Regrettably, yes. But it is, you know, a sacrifice required for the future of the human race. I hasten to add that since each man will be required to do prodigious… service along these lines, the women will have to be selected for their sexual characteristics which will have to be of a highly stimulating nature"

    • Tundra Grifter

      'If you're not telling the truth, you'll have to answer to…The Coca-Cola Company!"

      • Tundra Grifter

        I forgot to attribute that quote: – Col. "Bat" Guano.

    • Steverino247

      And Obama has denied us his essence. Good!

      • Tundra Grifter

        Wasn't worth nothin' anyway – the floride in the water ruined it.

  • Hatrabbit

    She also taped a sign on his back whenever he went out: "Hey strangers, sweet ass here–yours for the taking"

  • nounverb911

    Was one of the telephone numbers for Arbusto Energy?

    • Schmannnity

      Carlyle Group after hours numbers

  • Doktor Zoom

    Far more telling was the Polaroid photo of George Bush with this scribbled on the back: "DON'T BELIEVE HIS LIES. HE IS THE ONE. KILL HIM."

    You see, Osama had this condition…

  • mrblifil

    Gah…my Dr. Strangelove reference was already poached. I fucking hate this place sometimes….

  • widestanceroman

    Oh, the day we'd have here if they'd found Survival Seeds and Palin's cell number. . .

    • axmxz

      One word: Goldline.

  • carlgt1

    I anxiously await photos of his Garanimals wardrobe!

    • jus_wonderin

      Dang you!!

      I was going to say Terranimals!!

  • horsedreamer_1

    You know who else disdained American greenbacks & asked to be compensated in Euros?

    • Schmannnity

      Dick Morris's whore toe suckers?

    • Zvi_Bleindmeis

      Ron Paul?

      • nounverb911

        No, he insisted on being paid in KrugerRANDS.

    • Dr_Zoidberg

      Glen Beck?

    • RedneckMuslin


    • Lionel[redacted]Esq


      • Rosie_Scenario

        Some famous model — Giselle Bundchen?

    • AJW@[redacted]


    • zhubajie

      Me, except I get renminbi.

  • nounverb911

    OT (sort of): Has Fox News actually referred to Osama as Osama yet?

    • Extemporanus

      A number of times, though the most egregious switcheroo yet was uttered by ol' Glenn Beck himself on his Monday, May 2 show:

      "There's no shortage of reasons why you'd be entirely justified in killing Obama, so I think…uh, uh, Osamablah, blah, blah…"

      That's not verbatim, though it's pretty damn close. However, I may have been the only person in the world to catch it because I haven't seen it mentioned anywhere else. (It really, truly did happen, though!)

      If you're looking for the clip, he was wearing a mint shirt, pink tie, and beige tweed blazer (really!), I think it was during his opening "monologue", and he was all up in the camera when he said it. (Also really!)

  • Callyson

    cash totaling 500 Euros and two telephone numbers sewn into his clothing when he was killed — sure signs that he was prepared to flee his compound at a moment’s notice
    1. Um, how far was he going to get with 500 Euros?
    2. The world's most feared terrorist can't remember two phone numbers?


      Apparently, he was also a member of Al-Zheimer.

      • ShaveTheWhales

        This deserves more recognition than it has gotten; therefore I will steal it.

  • plinkleton

    tell jack stuef that is an awfully jejune mockery of OBL. I'm sure if stuef was ever in OBL's position he would have a hugely dignified and un-mockable plan for escape. involving an Aston Martin with an ejector seat .We just haven't heard it.

    • Limeylizzie

      I love you for using "jejeune" here on the Wonkette

  • J Rbt. Oppenheiner

    In just a few minutes now, your dad will be forwarding you an email saying that OSAMA BIN LADIN HAD SOROS NUMBER ON HIM WHEN HE WUZ KILLDED

  • Bonzos_Bed_Time

    Sounds like the Romanoves… didn't work out so well for them, either.

  • V572..whatever

    €500 would last him about an hour and a half in Paris, if he rode the Metro instead of taking a taxi. Not good planning, Osama's mommy!

  • Bonzos_Bed_Time
  • Weenus299

    Terr'ist summer camp is hell on jackets.

  • ttommyunger

    The clothing, cash and phone numbers are gone now, but on the bright side he now has Pig Genitalia sewn securely inside his mouth.

    • Schmannnity

      No wonder they won't release the photo.

      • ttommyunger

        Well, if you've seen one dead terrorist with a pig dick in his mouth, you've seen 'em all.

        • Steverino247

          Speak for yourself. I want to see as many of them as exist.

  • DangerHelvetica

    Just a reminder: this is the guy the Bush administration took seven years to not find.

    • DaRooster

      Just what happens when you… um… FLY IN AND BOMB THE SHIT OUT OF AN AREA when trying to get one guy. But then I guess you don't get to kill a bunch of innocent folks around the area if you do it somewhat stealthily… so that kinda sucks.

    • zhubajie

      Of course not. They and he had a good thing going.

  • fuflans

    i think we need to move on from bin laden coverage. i mean, o'bama's school records aren't going to release themselves people.

    • DaRooster

      Needs more "White House watermelon plantings".

  • hilacious

    Release the numbers! I'm in a feisty mood and I have a brand new air horn!

  • plinkleton

    uhh, hate to tell you but Euros are worth more than dollars and therefore have more bullet stopping power

    • Gopherit

      But Euros are all limp and frenchy. I have no doubt that ben franklin would save me. America, fuck yeah.

  • simplyblue7

    Euros? What an asshole!

    • NorthStarSpanx

      I think it is rather hard to carry the true valued currency, you can't stuff virgins into your pockets.

      • PostApocalypse

        Not if you expect them to remain virgins, anyway.

  • Wilcoxyz

    Also, "Wednesday" was sewn on his underwear. But Obamar says he was shot on Sunday. Teabaggers, please discuss.

  • chascates

    And one of those compasses that points towards Mecca.

  • johnnyzhivago

    Phone numbers??

    Dopey Osama didn't realize you can't even book a camel rental without using the Internet now-adays…

  • Rosie_Scenario

    Kinda like O.J. for the slow speed Bronco chase.

  • Steverino247

    Found in the George W. Bush Presidential Library:

    "Dear Mr. Bush,

    Please excuse little Osama's recent behavior. He promises not to be mean to any more Americans.

    Osama's Mom"

  • AJW@[redacted]

    Can of bean dip, some Salem Lights…

  • NorthStarSpanx

    Does 500 Euros really go that far in Paki?