a personal injury

Charlie Crist Now Making Local TeeVee Ads, Working For Ambulance Chaser


UPDATED 1:11 pm Look, it’s “Attorney Charlie Crist,” that orange guy who was going to be running for president this year if he had only decided to keep his job as governor. He would like you to visit his e-mail account (but he didn’t give us the password?) and tell him about the time your insurance wouldn’t pay for LED lights under your car even though your neighbor’s dog bit you. It’s kind of sad that Crist couldn’t even find a law firm that would name him partner. What’s worse is the kind of “public service issues” he will be working on at this ambulance chaser. Do you need to sue the makers of the “Avaulta vaginal mesh”? Charlie will help you!

This forthepeople.com website presents us a number of important issues the former governor of the nation’s fourth most populous state will be dealing with on a day-to-day basis. Just listen to his associates. Here’s a video about how some seniors use too much denture cream and get zinc poisoning. IT’S A FREE COUNTRY. USE AS MUCH DENTURE CREAM AS YOU LIKE. KNOW YOUR RIGHTS!

How about the exciting field of “cruise ship accident”? Just listen to this testimonial:

Jet-Ski Accident | Dade County | $1.76 million
Admiralty/maritime: wave runner accident on Lake Placid where an eight-year-old boy suffered a fractured leg. His mother also suffered a non-union fracture of the tibia, leading to the development of chronic osteomyelitis. This required a bone-lengthening corticotomy.

The insurance companies have their lawyers. Why aren’t you hiring Charlie Crist, Lake Placid(?) crusie-ship jet-ski victims?

Sponsored Video

Also: sinkholes!

Sometimes the insurance company denies that a sinkhole exists.

Those assholes!

If you have any questions as to the denial of a Sinkhole claim, or if the insurance company has found the presence of a sinkhole, please contact the sinkhole lawyers at Morgan & Morgan.

Haha, Charlie Crist is a “sinkhole lawyer.”

Previously: Charlie Crist gets on knees, bears soul to settle lawsuit

UPDATE: We sent the following e-mail to that address:

My pet was injured by my neighbor. What do I do, Charlie?

We received the following response:

Thanks for contacting me.

I am out at the moment but I will have one of my paralegals call you
right back.
Thanks for trusting me and our firm with your case. That means a lot to
me.

We won’t let you down!!

Thanks again,

Charlie.

Thank God! Charlie will help us. [Sunshine State Sarah via Ben Smith/ForThePeople.com]

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About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef

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79 comments

  1. Texan_Bulldog

    It's actually kind of sad because Charlie is a R with an ounce of compassion, centrism and brain matter. Why didn't he become a lobbyist like all the other ex-politicians? Oh yeah, the geh….

  2. metamarcisf

    These non-union fractures are the GOP wave of the future. Plus, more disgraced elected officials should specialize in sinkhole litigation.

  3. Barb

    “Avaulta vaginal mesh” I know the mosquito problem is bad in Florida, but Jeez! Laws will be soon passed that will force women to carry the mosquito larva to term.

      1. Barb

        I would think that only a near-sighted gyno doc could "look up the Avaulta" I hope we don't fog up his eyeglasses.
        Yes, we should get one of those. One can never have too much protection.

        1. Barb

          When my sister, Nancy was here she came out of the shower and I thought she was wearing the vaginal mesh. Turns out it was just cobwebs.

        2. Limeylizzie

          Oh the fun when my vaginal tissues start growing in with the mesh and I have MrLimeylizzie check the progress and the sorrow when the Log of Justice refuses to perform ever again

    1. Limeylizzie

      Vaginal Mesh

      Avaulta11Vaginal mesh is made from a synthetic material, and vaginal slings are made from synthetic mesh, your own tissues, or other tissue sources. The purpose of the vaginal mesh is to provide support for your vagina or uterus by reinforcing the weakened vaginal tissue. The mesh is placed underneath the vaginal skin, with the goal that the body's tissues grow into it an. The mesh provides reinforcement of the weakened vaginal tissue. The purpose of the vaginal sling procedure is to create a hammock of support for the vaginal wall, reinforcing the muscles that control the flow of urine and to help prevent the urethra from opening when you cough, sneeze, or laugh. The procedure involves placing a piece of material under the urethra.
      Vaginal Mesh Can Cause Multiple Injuries

      Many patients who have had a vaginal mesh and/or sling implanted have experienced serious injury as a result, including infection, pain, internal and external scarring, erosion of the mesh into the vaginal wall and other tissues, pain during sexual intercourse or the loss of the ability to perform sexually, urinary problems, and recurrence of the prolapse or incontinence.

        1. Limeylizzie

          Pudenda Pineapple, Cunty Coconut, Mango Minge (that's an Englsh term-the minge not the mango), Papaya Pussy and Tropical Twat..yep that works just fine.

      1. meufchelou

        Ahh, its the upscale verision of Depends for the olds. Half off, with your bi-annual facelift….

        1. Limeylizzie

          I have told MrLimeyLizzie that if I ever get the leaking/peeing having to wear Depends thing he has my full permisson to leave me.

          1. meufchelou

            I'm just going to tell my hubby–if this comes to pass (sic)–that it could be worse: I could have an infection or internal scarring from my tropical flavored sling. *shudder*

  4. Tengu

    "I'm Sarah Palin and when I want some fun I call 1-800-TALK-LINE. It's only $3 a minute…"

  5. Goonemeritus

    Apparently Morgan & Morgan have the same secret hand shake as the GOP, when will poor Charlie ever get to wear big boy pants?

  6. nounverb911

    "Sometimes the insurance company denies that a sinkhole exists."
    I always pictured the entire state of Florida as a sinkhole waiting to happen.

    1. GuyClinch

      My lovely first wife used to say, "All trash eventually blows south to Florida." (My mom in Sarasota is an exception, of course)

  7. $exy$murf

    Republican politicians: One day, people are making documentaries implying you're gay; the next, you're shilling for "sinkhole" shysters.

  8. memzilla

    "…if the insurance company has found the presence of a sinkhole, please contact…"

    "Hello, Mr. Christ? I'd like to report a sinkhole that seems to have swallowed up the electability of every GOP presidential candidate? Why yes, there was a black man involved."

  9. elviouslyqueer

    Um, Jack? Charlie Crist gets on knees, bears soul to settle lawsuit

    Does this mean that Charlie's been giving free blowjobs in the backroom of the Orlando Ramrod again?

  10. edgydrifter

    Are these the kind of outrageous lawsuits that Republicans are always bitching about, or are these the "good" kind? Tort reform begins at home, Charlie.

  11. DaRooster

    Sinkholes… there ain't no stinking sinkholes… what are you talking about? Sinkholes? Sinkholes? Now… vaginal mesh yes… but sinkholes? Get real.

  12. baconzgood

    Some one looked at me funny at the bodega when I went to get a pack of smokes this morning. Can I sue for that?

  13. memzilla

    One would think that the Avaulta vaginal mesh could be repurposed to repair those sinkholes, yes?

  14. SaintRond

    That's where all those motherfuckers belong. And the fact that they're not, is proof positive that we're doomed. We're fucking doomed! We are so fucked!

    Everything's shit now. Shit wins. All is shit.

  15. aguacatero

    Charlie, there was an easier way forward: become a Democrat. We do not deny sinkhole science, and we probably could have found some kind of fun job for you, like Ambassador to Costa Rica or something.

  16. jus_wonderin

    Okay, so, like at Pee Wee's playhouse the secret word for today is…VAGINA???

    Yea! Clap. Yea! Clap, clap. Yea! Clap, clap, clap.

  17. bureaucrap

    If he were a real R, he'd be working in insurance defense, making sure that the widows, orphans and cripples don't get a dime for their imaginary injuries and deaths.

  18. horsedreamer_1

    The Avaulta briefs penned by Charlie &/or his assistant say, simply, "Icky".

  19. Weenus299

    If Florida has been injured in an accident, he can help Florida get all the benefits it deserves. Unless he, of course, was the accident.

  20. Gopherit

    A guy's got to eat, but he'd have been way better off working the South Beach Club Scene again.

  21. crybabyboehner

    For all his faults, Crist was a million times better as governor than the current asshole.

  22. HELisforHEL

    hee! Like my Aunt who would yell 'MY COLON IS CLEAN!1!!' at the top of her lungs. WTF will I be like that someday? >>Shudder<<

  23. jaytingle

    It is indeed a caution to any republican pol who might wish to stray from accepted hard wingnut dogma. Next up: a series of bus ads to exploit the scourge of anal leakage.

Comments are closed.