A PERSONAL INJURY  11:05 am May 4, 2011

Charlie Crist Now Making Local TeeVee Ads, Working For Ambulance Chaser

by Jack Stuef


UPDATED 1:11 pm Look, it’s “Attorney Charlie Crist,” that orange guy who was going to be running for president this year if he had only decided to keep his job as governor. He would like you to visit his e-mail account (but he didn’t give us the password?) and tell him about the time your insurance wouldn’t pay for LED lights under your car even though your neighbor’s dog bit you. It’s kind of sad that Crist couldn’t even find a law firm that would name him partner. What’s worse is the kind of “public service issues” he will be working on at this ambulance chaser. Do you need to sue the makers of the “Avaulta vaginal mesh”? Charlie will help you!

This forthepeople.com website presents us a number of important issues the former governor of the nation’s fourth most populous state will be dealing with on a day-to-day basis. Just listen to his associates. Here’s a video about how some seniors use too much denture cream and get zinc poisoning. IT’S A FREE COUNTRY. USE AS MUCH DENTURE CREAM AS YOU LIKE. KNOW YOUR RIGHTS!

How about the exciting field of “cruise ship accident”? Just listen to this testimonial:

Jet-Ski Accident | Dade County | $1.76 million
Admiralty/maritime: wave runner accident on Lake Placid where an eight-year-old boy suffered a fractured leg. His mother also suffered a non-union fracture of the tibia, leading to the development of chronic osteomyelitis. This required a bone-lengthening corticotomy.

The insurance companies have their lawyers. Why aren’t you hiring Charlie Crist, Lake Placid(?) crusie-ship jet-ski victims?

Also: sinkholes!

Sometimes the insurance company denies that a sinkhole exists.

Those assholes!

If you have any questions as to the denial of a Sinkhole claim, or if the insurance company has found the presence of a sinkhole, please contact the sinkhole lawyers at Morgan & Morgan.

Haha, Charlie Crist is a “sinkhole lawyer.”

Previously: Charlie Crist gets on knees, bears soul to settle lawsuit

UPDATE: We sent the following e-mail to that address:

My pet was injured by my neighbor. What do I do, Charlie?

We received the following response:

Thanks for contacting me.

I am out at the moment but I will have one of my paralegals call you
right back.
Thanks for trusting me and our firm with your case. That means a lot to
me.

We won’t let you down!!

Thanks again,

Charlie.

Thank God! Charlie will help us. [Sunshine State Sarah via Ben Smith/ForThePeople.com]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 79 comments }

Texan_Bulldog May 4, 2011 at 11:10 am

It's actually kind of sad because Charlie is a R with an ounce of compassion, centrism and brain matter. Why didn't he become a lobbyist like all the other ex-politicians? Oh yeah, the geh….

metamarcisf May 4, 2011 at 11:10 am

These non-union fractures are the GOP wave of the future. Plus, more disgraced elected officials should specialize in sinkhole litigation.

Zvi_Bleindmeis May 4, 2011 at 11:29 am

Right. The union fractures get to negotiate on their own behalf. Rick-Scott-Walker needs to get on that issue.

johnnymeatworth May 4, 2011 at 11:11 am

Wow, he's really on a Road To Nowhere…

jus_wonderin May 4, 2011 at 11:36 am

Well, sorta; he can see Sarah in the distance up ahead.

Cheetah Repeater May 4, 2011 at 1:49 pm

Good song, bad career move

Barb May 4, 2011 at 11:11 am

“Avaulta vaginal mesh” I know the mosquito problem is bad in Florida, but Jeez! Laws will be soon passed that will force women to carry the mosquito larva to term.

Limeylizzie May 4, 2011 at 11:13 am

I have to look up the Avaulta, do we need one?

Barb May 4, 2011 at 11:15 am

I would think that only a near-sighted gyno doc could "look up the Avaulta" I hope we don't fog up his eyeglasses.
Yes, we should get one of those. One can never have too much protection.

Barb May 4, 2011 at 11:32 am

When my sister, Nancy was here she came out of the shower and I thought she was wearing the vaginal mesh. Turns out it was just cobwebs.

Limeylizzie May 4, 2011 at 11:45 am

Oh the fun when my vaginal tissues start growing in with the mesh and I have MrLimeylizzie check the progress and the sorrow when the Log of Justice refuses to perform ever again

Zvi_Bleindmeis May 4, 2011 at 11:18 am

It's not really a matter of medical necessity. All the cool girls down here have them.

Zvi_Bleindmeis May 4, 2011 at 11:19 am

In their sinkholes.

Chet Kincaid May 4, 2011 at 11:33 am

A cool breeze in the face would be nice when you're trying to do a thorough job down there.

Limeylizzie May 4, 2011 at 11:15 am

Vaginal Mesh

Avaulta11Vaginal mesh is made from a synthetic material, and vaginal slings are made from synthetic mesh, your own tissues, or other tissue sources. The purpose of the vaginal mesh is to provide support for your vagina or uterus by reinforcing the weakened vaginal tissue. The mesh is placed underneath the vaginal skin, with the goal that the body's tissues grow into it an. The mesh provides reinforcement of the weakened vaginal tissue. The purpose of the vaginal sling procedure is to create a hammock of support for the vaginal wall, reinforcing the muscles that control the flow of urine and to help prevent the urethra from opening when you cough, sneeze, or laugh. The procedure involves placing a piece of material under the urethra.
Vaginal Mesh Can Cause Multiple Injuries

Many patients who have had a vaginal mesh and/or sling implanted have experienced serious injury as a result, including infection, pain, internal and external scarring, erosion of the mesh into the vaginal wall and other tissues, pain during sexual intercourse or the loss of the ability to perform sexually, urinary problems, and recurrence of the prolapse or incontinence.

Goonemeritus May 4, 2011 at 11:21 am

Stop you're killing me!

GuyClinch May 4, 2011 at 11:22 am

I am doing the opposite of fapping now (and weeks to come). Thanks, Lizzie!

Chet Kincaid May 4, 2011 at 11:44 am

Well, don't get your snatch in a sling over it!!

DaRooster May 4, 2011 at 11:22 am

Fun?!

Chet Kincaid May 4, 2011 at 11:28 am

Trans-Vaginal Surgical Mesh really rocks the classics! I love their Christmas album, also.
http://www.usrecallnews.com/2008/12/calls-for-rec

SorosBot May 4, 2011 at 11:32 am

I kind of wish I hadn't read that. Ugh, gross.

mrblifil May 4, 2011 at 11:47 am

Now in Tropical Fruit Flavors!

Limeylizzie May 4, 2011 at 11:55 am

Pudenda Pineapple, Cunty Coconut, Mango Minge (that's an Englsh term-the minge not the mango), Papaya Pussy and Tropical Twat..yep that works just fine.

Chet Kincaid May 4, 2011 at 12:03 pm

Oh Lizzie, you know I love it when you talk foodie!

meufchelou May 4, 2011 at 11:52 am

Ahh, its the upscale verision of Depends for the olds. Half off, with your bi-annual facelift….

Limeylizzie May 4, 2011 at 11:57 am

I have told MrLimeyLizzie that if I ever get the leaking/peeing having to wear Depends thing he has my full permisson to leave me.

meufchelou May 4, 2011 at 12:10 pm

I'm just going to tell my hubby–if this comes to pass (sic)–that it could be worse: I could have an infection or internal scarring from my tropical flavored sling. *shudder*

Chet Kincaid May 4, 2011 at 11:54 am

Good God, does it come with drawstrings out the arsehole?!

HELisforHEL May 4, 2011 at 1:44 pm

What the fuckety fuck. I was hoping this thing WASN'T REAL.

Tengu May 4, 2011 at 11:12 am

"I'm Sarah Palin and when I want some fun I call 1-800-TALK-LINE. It's only $3 a minute…"

Goonemeritus May 4, 2011 at 11:12 am

Apparently Morgan & Morgan have the same secret hand shake as the GOP, when will poor Charlie ever get to wear big boy pants?

nounverb911 May 4, 2011 at 11:13 am

Who will Crist sue after the ambulance backs over him while he's chasing it?

nounverb911 May 4, 2011 at 11:14 am

"Sometimes the insurance company denies that a sinkhole exists."
I always pictured the entire state of Florida as a sinkhole waiting to happen.

GuyClinch May 4, 2011 at 11:23 am

My lovely first wife used to say, "All trash eventually blows south to Florida." (My mom in Sarasota is an exception, of course)

neiltheblaze May 4, 2011 at 11:14 am

So I take it he's not a tort reform advocate.

$exy$murf May 4, 2011 at 11:15 am

Republican politicians: One day, people are making documentaries implying you're gay; the next, you're shilling for "sinkhole" shysters.

Zvi_Bleindmeis May 4, 2011 at 11:21 am

Here if FL, we call them "s-holes."

memzilla May 4, 2011 at 11:33 am

"She shills for shyster's seashore sinkholes."

New Florida sobriety test.

memzilla May 4, 2011 at 11:15 am

"…if the insurance company has found the presence of a sinkhole, please contact…"

"Hello, Mr. Christ? I'd like to report a sinkhole that seems to have swallowed up the electability of every GOP presidential candidate? Why yes, there was a black man involved."

nounverb911 May 4, 2011 at 11:16 am

Needs more beard.

Doktor Zoom May 4, 2011 at 11:17 am

Meh…call me back when Crist starts running something even half as awesome as THIS

On the other hand, the self-parody approach has its charms.

Schmannnity May 4, 2011 at 11:18 am

Actually, I always thought Charlie was a stinkhole advocate.

Buzz Feedback May 4, 2011 at 11:18 am

Next week he will be defending DOMA in federal court. Oh the self-loathing.

ShiftyParadigm May 4, 2011 at 11:19 am

Wow Robert Vaughn has let himself go.

KeepFnThatChicken May 4, 2011 at 11:19 am

Who's he getting his atrophy regimen from? Cheney?!

elviouslyqueer May 4, 2011 at 11:19 am

Um, Jack? Charlie Crist gets on knees, bears soul to settle lawsuit

Does this mean that Charlie's been giving free blowjobs in the backroom of the Orlando Ramrod again?

CapeClod May 4, 2011 at 11:20 am

I wonder if his lovely bride, I mean beard, is still with him

edgydrifter May 4, 2011 at 11:22 am

Are these the kind of outrageous lawsuits that Republicans are always bitching about, or are these the "good" kind? Tort reform begins at home, Charlie.

crybabyboehner May 4, 2011 at 11:23 am

Sinkhole deniers, take this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iW0colQf45M

Doktor Zoom May 4, 2011 at 11:25 am

Some folks call it a sling vagina, I calls it a Kaiser vagina, mmm-hmmm.

Hatrabbit May 4, 2011 at 11:28 am

Vaginal sling = world's best cocktail.

DaRooster May 4, 2011 at 11:25 am

Sinkholes… there ain't no stinking sinkholes… what are you talking about? Sinkholes? Sinkholes? Now… vaginal mesh yes… but sinkholes? Get real.

baconzgood May 4, 2011 at 11:25 am

Some one looked at me funny at the bodega when I went to get a pack of smokes this morning. Can I sue for that?

memzilla May 4, 2011 at 11:26 am

One would think that the Avaulta vaginal mesh could be repurposed to repair those sinkholes, yes?

SaintRond May 4, 2011 at 11:26 am

That's where all those motherfuckers belong. And the fact that they're not, is proof positive that we're doomed. We're fucking doomed! We are so fucked!

Everything's shit now. Shit wins. All is shit.

Doktor Zoom May 4, 2011 at 11:26 am

More to the point, he's an uninterested party regarding vaginas.

Allmighty_Manos May 4, 2011 at 11:26 am

If it's good enough for Shatner, it's good enough for anybody.

Hatrabbit May 4, 2011 at 11:27 am

I would make it my life's work to vault a vaginal mesh.

natoslug May 4, 2011 at 11:27 am

And by expert, you mean he's never seen one?

mrblifil May 4, 2011 at 11:28 am

WILL DEFEND DOMA FOR MONEEZ

aguacatero May 4, 2011 at 11:28 am

Charlie, there was an easier way forward: become a Democrat. We do not deny sinkhole science, and we probably could have found some kind of fun job for you, like Ambassador to Costa Rica or something.

jus_wonderin May 4, 2011 at 11:28 am

Okay, so, like at Pee Wee's playhouse the secret word for today is…VAGINA???

Yea! Clap. Yea! Clap, clap. Yea! Clap, clap, clap.

bureaucrap May 4, 2011 at 11:29 am

If he were a real R, he'd be working in insurance defense, making sure that the widows, orphans and cripples don't get a dime for their imaginary injuries and deaths.

BZ1 May 4, 2011 at 11:32 am

how the slightly mighty (moldy) have fallen…

Oblios_Cap May 4, 2011 at 11:46 am

Amen, Brother (or Sister). He was also a hell of a lot better than JEB!

horsedreamer_1 May 4, 2011 at 11:49 am

The Avaulta briefs penned by Charlie &/or his assistant say, simply, "Icky".

Weenus299 May 4, 2011 at 11:57 am

If Florida has been injured in an accident, he can help Florida get all the benefits it deserves. Unless he, of course, was the accident.

chicken_thief May 4, 2011 at 11:57 am

But he hasn't given up his life long passion of swallowing swords, has he?!

Sharkey May 4, 2011 at 11:57 am

Gonna scare you up and shoot you
Cause Mr. Charlie told me so

ttommyunger May 4, 2011 at 12:16 pm

That mouth looks like an un-puckered asshole, and I think I knows why…

Gopherit May 4, 2011 at 1:16 pm

A guy's got to eat, but he'd have been way better off working the South Beach Club Scene again.

crybabyboehner May 4, 2011 at 1:20 pm

No, the Drive By Truckers …

crybabyboehner May 4, 2011 at 1:22 pm

For all his faults, Crist was a million times better as governor than the current asshole.

HELisforHEL May 4, 2011 at 4:52 pm

hee! Like my Aunt who would yell 'MY COLON IS CLEAN!1!!' at the top of her lungs. WTF will I be like that someday? >>Shudder<<

Negropolis May 4, 2011 at 10:50 pm

My, how the not-even-once-mighty have fallen.

jaytingle May 5, 2011 at 7:57 am

It is indeed a caution to any republican pol who might wish to stray from accepted hard wingnut dogma. Next up: a series of bus ads to exploit the scourge of anal leakage.

EBGrey May 5, 2011 at 8:22 am

Ha tenido un accidente? Llamame ahora a 1-800-SOY-PUTA!

Limeylizzie May 4, 2011 at 12:07 pm

Food and sex…aways good . A wheel of gouda , a naked bottom and thou.

mrblifil May 4, 2011 at 12:55 pm

I dunno, a thou seems kind of high…would you settle for 5 benjamins?

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