a personal injury

Charlie Crist Now Making Local TeeVee Ads, Working For Ambulance Chaser


UPDATED 1:11 pm Look, it’s “Attorney Charlie Crist,” that orange guy who was going to be running for president this year if he had only decided to keep his job as governor. He would like you to visit his e-mail account (but he didn’t give us the password?) and tell him about the time your insurance wouldn’t pay for LED lights under your car even though your neighbor’s dog bit you. It’s kind of sad that Crist couldn’t even find a law firm that would name him partner. What’s worse is the kind of “public service issues” he will be working on at this ambulance chaser. Do you need to sue the makers of the “Avaulta vaginal mesh”? Charlie will help you!

This forthepeople.com website presents us a number of important issues the former governor of the nation’s fourth most populous state will be dealing with on a day-to-day basis. Just listen to his associates. Here’s a video about how some seniors use too much denture cream and get zinc poisoning. IT’S A FREE COUNTRY. USE AS MUCH DENTURE CREAM AS YOU LIKE. KNOW YOUR RIGHTS!

How about the exciting field of “cruise ship accident”? Just listen to this testimonial:

Jet-Ski Accident | Dade County | $1.76 million
Admiralty/maritime: wave runner accident on Lake Placid where an eight-year-old boy suffered a fractured leg. His mother also suffered a non-union fracture of the tibia, leading to the development of chronic osteomyelitis. This required a bone-lengthening corticotomy.

The insurance companies have their lawyers. Why aren’t you hiring Charlie Crist, Lake Placid(?) crusie-ship jet-ski victims?

Also: sinkholes!

Sometimes the insurance company denies that a sinkhole exists.

Those assholes!

If you have any questions as to the denial of a Sinkhole claim, or if the insurance company has found the presence of a sinkhole, please contact the sinkhole lawyers at Morgan & Morgan.

Haha, Charlie Crist is a “sinkhole lawyer.”

Previously: Charlie Crist gets on knees, bears soul to settle lawsuit

UPDATE: We sent the following e-mail to that address:

My pet was injured by my neighbor. What do I do, Charlie?

We received the following response:

Thanks for contacting me.

I am out at the moment but I will have one of my paralegals call you
right back.
Thanks for trusting me and our firm with your case. That means a lot to
me.

We won’t let you down!!

Thanks again,

Charlie.

Thank God! Charlie will help us. [Sunshine State Sarah via Ben Smith/ForThePeople.com]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef
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  • Texan_Bulldog

    It's actually kind of sad because Charlie is a R with an ounce of compassion, centrism and brain matter. Why didn't he become a lobbyist like all the other ex-politicians? Oh yeah, the geh….

  • metamarcisf

    These non-union fractures are the GOP wave of the future. Plus, more disgraced elected officials should specialize in sinkhole litigation.

    • http://wonkette.com Zvi_Bleindmeis

      Right. The union fractures get to negotiate on their own behalf. Rick-Scott-Walker needs to get on that issue.

  • johnnymeatworth

    Wow, he's really on a Road To Nowhere…

    • jus_wonderin

      Well, sorta; he can see Sarah in the distance up ahead.

    • Cheetah Repeater

      Good song, bad career move

  • Barb

    “Avaulta vaginal mesh” I know the mosquito problem is bad in Florida, but Jeez! Laws will be soon passed that will force women to carry the mosquito larva to term.

    • Limeylizzie

      I have to look up the Avaulta, do we need one?

      • Barb

        I would think that only a near-sighted gyno doc could "look up the Avaulta" I hope we don't fog up his eyeglasses.
        Yes, we should get one of those. One can never have too much protection.

        • Barb

          When my sister, Nancy was here she came out of the shower and I thought she was wearing the vaginal mesh. Turns out it was just cobwebs.

        • Limeylizzie

          Oh the fun when my vaginal tissues start growing in with the mesh and I have MrLimeylizzie check the progress and the sorrow when the Log of Justice refuses to perform ever again

      • http://wonkette.com Zvi_Bleindmeis

        It's not really a matter of medical necessity. All the cool girls down here have them.

        • http://wonkette.com Zvi_Bleindmeis

          In their sinkholes.

      • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

        A cool breeze in the face would be nice when you're trying to do a thorough job down there.

    • Limeylizzie

      Vaginal Mesh

      Avaulta11Vaginal mesh is made from a synthetic material, and vaginal slings are made from synthetic mesh, your own tissues, or other tissue sources. The purpose of the vaginal mesh is to provide support for your vagina or uterus by reinforcing the weakened vaginal tissue. The mesh is placed underneath the vaginal skin, with the goal that the body's tissues grow into it an. The mesh provides reinforcement of the weakened vaginal tissue. The purpose of the vaginal sling procedure is to create a hammock of support for the vaginal wall, reinforcing the muscles that control the flow of urine and to help prevent the urethra from opening when you cough, sneeze, or laugh. The procedure involves placing a piece of material under the urethra.
      Vaginal Mesh Can Cause Multiple Injuries

      Many patients who have had a vaginal mesh and/or sling implanted have experienced serious injury as a result, including infection, pain, internal and external scarring, erosion of the mesh into the vaginal wall and other tissues, pain during sexual intercourse or the loss of the ability to perform sexually, urinary problems, and recurrence of the prolapse or incontinence.

      • Goonemeritus

        Stop you're killing me!

      • http://guyclinch.blogspot.com GuyClinch

        I am doing the opposite of fapping now (and weeks to come). Thanks, Lizzie!

        • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

          Well, don't get your snatch in a sling over it!!

      • DaRooster

        Fun?!

      • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

        Trans-Vaginal Surgical Mesh really rocks the classics! I love their Christmas album, also.
        http://www.usrecallnews.com/2008/12/calls-for-rec

      • SorosBot

        I kind of wish I hadn't read that. Ugh, gross.

      • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

        Now in Tropical Fruit Flavors!

        • Limeylizzie

          Pudenda Pineapple, Cunty Coconut, Mango Minge (that's an Englsh term-the minge not the mango), Papaya Pussy and Tropical Twat..yep that works just fine.

          • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

            Oh Lizzie, you know I love it when you talk foodie!

          • Limeylizzie

            Food and sex…aways good . A wheel of gouda , a naked bottom and thou.

          • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

            I dunno, a thou seems kind of high…would you settle for 5 benjamins?

      • meufchelou

        Ahh, its the upscale verision of Depends for the olds. Half off, with your bi-annual facelift….

        • Limeylizzie

          I have told MrLimeyLizzie that if I ever get the leaking/peeing having to wear Depends thing he has my full permisson to leave me.

          • meufchelou

            I'm just going to tell my hubby–if this comes to pass (sic)–that it could be worse: I could have an infection or internal scarring from my tropical flavored sling. *shudder*

      • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

        Good God, does it come with drawstrings out the arsehole?!

      • HELisforHEL

        What the fuckety fuck. I was hoping this thing WASN'T REAL.

  • Tengu

    "I'm Sarah Palin and when I want some fun I call 1-800-TALK-LINE. It's only $3 a minute…"

  • Goonemeritus

    Apparently Morgan & Morgan have the same secret hand shake as the GOP, when will poor Charlie ever get to wear big boy pants?

  • nounverb911

    Who will Crist sue after the ambulance backs over him while he's chasing it?

  • nounverb911

    "Sometimes the insurance company denies that a sinkhole exists."
    I always pictured the entire state of Florida as a sinkhole waiting to happen.

    • http://guyclinch.blogspot.com GuyClinch

      My lovely first wife used to say, "All trash eventually blows south to Florida." (My mom in Sarasota is an exception, of course)

  • neiltheblaze

    So I take it he's not a tort reform advocate.

  • $exy$murf

    Republican politicians: One day, people are making documentaries implying you're gay; the next, you're shilling for "sinkhole" shysters.

    • http://wonkette.com Zvi_Bleindmeis

      Here if FL, we call them "s-holes."

    • memzilla

      "She shills for shyster's seashore sinkholes."

      New Florida sobriety test.

  • memzilla

    "…if the insurance company has found the presence of a sinkhole, please contact…"

    "Hello, Mr. Christ? I'd like to report a sinkhole that seems to have swallowed up the electability of every GOP presidential candidate? Why yes, there was a black man involved."

  • nounverb911

    Needs more beard.

  • Doktor Zoom

    Meh…call me back when Crist starts running something even half as awesome as THIS

    On the other hand, the self-parody approach has its charms.

  • Schmannnity

    Actually, I always thought Charlie was a stinkhole advocate.

  • Buzz Feedback

    Next week he will be defending DOMA in federal court. Oh the self-loathing.

  • ShiftyParadigm

    Wow Robert Vaughn has let himself go.

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    Who's he getting his atrophy regimen from? Cheney?!

  • elviouslyqueer

    Um, Jack? Charlie Crist gets on knees, bears soul to settle lawsuit

    Does this mean that Charlie's been giving free blowjobs in the backroom of the Orlando Ramrod again?

  • CapeClod

    I wonder if his lovely bride, I mean beard, is still with him

  • edgydrifter

    Are these the kind of outrageous lawsuits that Republicans are always bitching about, or are these the "good" kind? Tort reform begins at home, Charlie.

  • crybabyboehner

    Sinkhole deniers, take this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iW0colQf45M

  • Doktor Zoom

    Some folks call it a sling vagina, I calls it a Kaiser vagina, mmm-hmmm.

    • Hatrabbit

      Vaginal sling = world's best cocktail.

  • DaRooster

    Sinkholes… there ain't no stinking sinkholes… what are you talking about? Sinkholes? Sinkholes? Now… vaginal mesh yes… but sinkholes? Get real.

  • baconzgood

    Some one looked at me funny at the bodega when I went to get a pack of smokes this morning. Can I sue for that?

  • memzilla

    One would think that the Avaulta vaginal mesh could be repurposed to repair those sinkholes, yes?

  • SaintRond

    That's where all those motherfuckers belong. And the fact that they're not, is proof positive that we're doomed. We're fucking doomed! We are so fucked!

    Everything's shit now. Shit wins. All is shit.

  • Doktor Zoom

    More to the point, he's an uninterested party regarding vaginas.

  • Allmighty_Manos

    If it's good enough for Shatner, it's good enough for anybody.

  • Hatrabbit

    I would make it my life's work to vault a vaginal mesh.

  • http://oliphantparts.org/ natoslug

    And by expert, you mean he's never seen one?

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

    WILL DEFEND DOMA FOR MONEEZ

  • aguacatero

    Charlie, there was an easier way forward: become a Democrat. We do not deny sinkhole science, and we probably could have found some kind of fun job for you, like Ambassador to Costa Rica or something.

  • jus_wonderin

    Okay, so, like at Pee Wee's playhouse the secret word for today is…VAGINA???

    Yea! Clap. Yea! Clap, clap. Yea! Clap, clap, clap.

  • bureaucrap

    If he were a real R, he'd be working in insurance defense, making sure that the widows, orphans and cripples don't get a dime for their imaginary injuries and deaths.

  • BZ1

    how the slightly mighty (moldy) have fallen…

  • Oblios_Cap

    Amen, Brother (or Sister). He was also a hell of a lot better than JEB!

  • horsedreamer_1

    The Avaulta briefs penned by Charlie &/or his assistant say, simply, "Icky".

  • Weenus299

    If Florida has been injured in an accident, he can help Florida get all the benefits it deserves. Unless he, of course, was the accident.

  • chicken_thief

    But he hasn't given up his life long passion of swallowing swords, has he?!

  • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

    Gonna scare you up and shoot you
    Cause Mr. Charlie told me so

  • ttommyunger

    That mouth looks like an un-puckered asshole, and I think I knows why…

  • Gopherit

    A guy's got to eat, but he'd have been way better off working the South Beach Club Scene again.

  • crybabyboehner

    No, the Drive By Truckers …

  • crybabyboehner

    For all his faults, Crist was a million times better as governor than the current asshole.

  • HELisforHEL

    hee! Like my Aunt who would yell 'MY COLON IS CLEAN!1!!' at the top of her lungs. WTF will I be like that someday? >>Shudder<<

  • Negropolis

    My, how the not-even-once-mighty have fallen.

  • jaytingle

    It is indeed a caution to any republican pol who might wish to stray from accepted hard wingnut dogma. Next up: a series of bus ads to exploit the scourge of anal leakage.

  • EBGrey

    Ha tenido un accidente? Llamame ahora a 1-800-SOY-PUTA!