DOLLAR DOLLAR SIGNS Y'ALL  10:19 am May 4, 2011

Chuck Grassley Invents New Way To Cut Grass

by Jack Stuef

This what, Grassley? THIS WHAT? We're on the edge of our seats.
What sort of important legislator stuff has your senior senator been up to lately, Iowa? He’s been mowing his lawn. That’s almost as cool as killing Osama bin Laden! Grassley would like you to know he’s come up with an incredible innovation: He’s stuck two push mowers he had lying around to the back of his riding lawnmower so he can cover slightly more ground in each pass. We’ve looked up this ad he’s talking about, and this lawnmower contraption may be the stupidest thing we’ve ever seen.

Oh for fuck's sake

Winning the future! These are the kind of ideas that will arrive in America’s next Sputnik moment! Or, at least, will get Grassley a job working for the Red Green Show.

Here’s the ad. The mower thing appears briefly at the 0:45 mark. You don’t see it too long, but it looks like Grassley has trouble steering the push mowers. So this thing he’s doing is harder and probably spends more time and gas than if he just used his riding lawnmower.

An incredible statesman. We understand how his surname got him interested in landscaping ingenuity, but how did he decide he would be good at being a senator? Or using a keyboard? [Twitter/YouTube]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 131 comments }

DashboardBuddha May 4, 2011 at 10:22 am

Yeah! Three engines sans catalytic converters running at the same time…more wasted gas…more pollution! USA! Fuck yeah!

riverside68 May 4, 2011 at 10:30 am

mor $ for oil to the house of Saud!

He isn't just not killing OBL, he is sending US$ to the middle east funders of the OBL movement. Which helps justify buying mor bombs with US$.

Sorry about health care and education and shit we can't afford it with all the well funded enemies we got.

Is he a great American or what?

OneDollarJuana May 4, 2011 at 10:42 am

Clearly, his Senate salary is waaaaaaaay too high if he can afford to run three mowers at once! However, kudos for the way he hitched up his team of grass-munchers!

horsedreamer_1 May 4, 2011 at 11:42 am

Maybe he can give Sean Duffy some tips on spreading that Congressional salary so that an elected official is not so strapped at the end of the month. http://thinkprogress.org/2011/03/29/rep-sean-duff

widestanceroman May 4, 2011 at 10:49 am

I try to think locally about this caper–he's getting thrice the exhaust fumes and thrice the hearing loss he might get from one. Brain cell loss is obviously a moot point, however.

Lascauxcaveman May 4, 2011 at 11:33 am

I'm a tinkerer, and I've done enough hare-brained things like this to have some grudging respect for his level of execution of this project. (Also a Red Green fan.)

But mostly I'm jealous of the time he has to waste on shit like this. Those days are long gone for me; I have a full time job.

widestanceroman May 4, 2011 at 12:04 pm

It is annoying that he's paid through our taxes to do what he'd eliminate a 99er's benefits if caught doing.

genxr May 4, 2011 at 12:05 pm

You can find this for sale on the redstate amazon page, under the category, "Devices designed specifically to annoy liberals," next to the 50lb bags of rock salt.

Sure it's a lot of trouble, but when you finally get that contraption to work for ten seconds you can breathe in those gas fumes and laugh laugh laugh…

Barb May 4, 2011 at 10:22 am

He should mow his lawn the way that Sarah Palin does; strap the kid to the front of you in a chest snuggy carrier so that any rocks, glass, etc that is thrown by the blades hits him instead of you.

neiltheblaze May 4, 2011 at 10:42 am

So what you're saying is, she uses Trig like a human shield?

Buzz Feedback May 4, 2011 at 10:22 am

Colluding w/brown terrorist @:43

4tehlulz_lite May 4, 2011 at 10:23 am

>3lawn mowers

Twitter can't fucking die soon enough.

SorosBot May 4, 2011 at 10:38 am

I still fail to see what the point of that is.

Schmannnity May 4, 2011 at 10:24 am

Deficit solved!

FraAnima May 4, 2011 at 10:24 am

Hey you kids, get off my lawn.

DaRooster May 4, 2011 at 10:42 am

I'll mow you down…

GOPCrusher May 4, 2011 at 1:09 pm

I'll go Gran Torino on yer ass!

FraAnima May 4, 2011 at 1:13 pm

I know what you're thinking. "Did he fire six shots or only five?"

Chillwaver May 4, 2011 at 10:24 am

Wouldn't be easier to just hire 3 mesicans (while pretending you didn't know they were eleegal)?

neiltheblaze May 4, 2011 at 10:28 am

Sorry, man. Great minds and all that.

Chillwaver May 4, 2011 at 10:33 am

You know how it is, all Libtards think alike :)

OneDollarJuana May 4, 2011 at 10:43 am

He did. That photo was just for the press.

freakishlywrong May 4, 2011 at 10:24 am

WS 2 Chiken 2 do townhall. Fraid peeps wld ask me re: thrwing Grandma udr bus. #Ryan Roadmap to Ruin.

Badonkadonkette May 4, 2011 at 10:25 am

Wow. He's like a superhero. He should have a wicked cool name that bespeaks his magic powers. Like Grassley, or something.

DaRooster May 4, 2011 at 10:43 am

Lawn Mower Man…
(Well, yeah, but… did anyone really SEE it?)

memzilla May 4, 2011 at 10:25 am

If he was a real Murrican, there'd be moar flags n' guns on that mower. And cupholders.

elviouslyqueer May 4, 2011 at 10:39 am
V572..whatever May 4, 2011 at 10:45 am

Inchoate screaming? Yes. Backwards ball hat? Check. Loser prison-pussy beard? You got it. Gas-guzzling useless motor vehicle? He's got one! Cheap patriotism of ostentatious flag display? Of course. And to top it off, carefully aimed gun shooting at not a goddam thing.

What a beautiful video.

Chet Kincaid May 4, 2011 at 11:10 am

I would like to see 8 minutes of Bugs Bunny making a complete maroon of that dude.

chicken_thief May 4, 2011 at 10:55 am

And random pistol firing/beer drinking…

GOPCrusher May 4, 2011 at 1:11 pm

Real Murricans use the Two Beers-One Straw Hat to consume while mowing.

neiltheblaze May 4, 2011 at 10:25 am

What? Aren't there any illegal Messicans in Iowa to do this?

Chillwaver May 4, 2011 at 10:31 am

Yes, but they are only allowed to come out at night.

GOPCrusher May 4, 2011 at 1:12 pm

They're all working at the meat-packing plants.

BerkeleyBear May 4, 2011 at 2:22 pm

I thought it was Somalis – or is that only in Nebraska/Kansas?

zhubajie May 5, 2011 at 12:00 am

Just what I was thinking!

BaldarTFlagass May 4, 2011 at 10:26 am

He wouldn't be so all Tim Allen with his mowers if he had some fucking trees to mow around.

DaRooster May 4, 2011 at 10:44 am

At least they would offset SOME of the pollution.

GunToting[Redacted] May 5, 2011 at 9:46 am

It's Iowa. There are no trees.

BornInATrailer May 4, 2011 at 10:26 am

You're doing it wrong, Chuck.

DaRooster May 4, 2011 at 10:45 am

That's what she said.

bureaucrap May 4, 2011 at 10:26 am

I am convinced that his "com$m$eRcials" was an intentional "typo" — that's his way of reminding his corporate overlords that he needs more money.

Rosie_Scenario May 4, 2011 at 10:26 am

Mowing Grass-ley.

DaSandman May 4, 2011 at 10:26 am

Only Trig, The Greatest Living American and Child Saint, could understand what the fuck that tweet meant.

CliveWarren May 4, 2011 at 10:27 am

He mowed lawn first time this? Why did he decide to do this now – for the first time (this). Did he lose his gardener? Did his gardener get shot? I don't know… In they EYE?!?

DaRooster May 4, 2011 at 10:45 am

This

freakishlywrong May 4, 2011 at 10:27 am

Horseshit this asshole mows his lawn. That's what the browns are for. In Iowa, if you're not mowing a lawn or on a roof, be prepared to be deported.

ProgressiveInga May 4, 2011 at 10:27 am

Grassman is just doing his part to fight illegal immigration – more mowers = Mexican obsolescence. FTW!!!!1!!!!1!!

facehead May 4, 2011 at 10:31 am

That's nothing, one time I got ridiculously stoned and invented a new way to breathe.

kittenbomb May 4, 2011 at 11:07 am

I think I dated you in college.

Hatrabbit May 4, 2011 at 10:31 am

Trying to translate from Cool-Kid-Speak to English here:

com$m$eRcials

= money Commiseracials?

= money commiserations racial ?

= "Sorry 'bout the black President. Send money".–Ahh think I got it.

Terry May 4, 2011 at 10:59 am

I think he's just piss poor at typing on his phone.

crybabyboehner May 4, 2011 at 10:31 am

That's nothin, I mowed Ke$ha's lawn …

Mumbletypeg May 4, 2011 at 10:43 am

OT – I can't refrain from laughing every time I see your Boehner-sadface, and end up fisting involuntarily because it feels like he's saying it to me himself, between sobs. So emotional.

crybabyboehner May 4, 2011 at 10:49 am

Yes, he plays the heartstrings like a Stradivarius.

BarackMyWorld May 4, 2011 at 10:45 am

I'm guessing that's a euphemism for banging her $kanky a$$.

crybabyboehner May 4, 2011 at 10:50 am

sumthin like that

horsedreamer_1 May 4, 2011 at 11:45 am

Eating her ass?

Doktor Zoom May 4, 2011 at 10:48 am

In college, I bused Harrison Ford's table.

Funny how everything sounds like filthy innuendo when it's said on Wonkette.

widestanceroman May 4, 2011 at 11:04 am

I did coke with Scarlett Johansson and. . .no, I'm not going to encourage that sort of mutant threading here.

mrblifil May 4, 2011 at 11:22 am

I had sex with late night Skinemax star Angela Nicholas. Oh wait, it sounds less dirty when it's something you actually did…

horsedreamer_1 May 4, 2011 at 11:46 am

Cocaine, while she's got a Li'l Spicoli in the oven?

Shameful.

Lascauxcaveman May 4, 2011 at 11:42 am

When I worked in airline security, I searched Huey Lewis' duffel. And Robbie Knievel's, several times.

(You're right. It sounds absolutely filthy, here on Wonkette.)

Pres[ $ rm -r * ] May 4, 2011 at 11:10 pm

And Perez Hilton has proof.

BarackMyWorld May 4, 2011 at 10:33 am

Are they called "com$m$eRcials" because they're so damn expensive to buy airtime for (thus justifying being a complete whore for corporate donations)?

Sparky_McGruff May 4, 2011 at 11:07 am

He's just writing in Iowa "Gangsta speak".

Hatrabbit May 4, 2011 at 10:34 am

You should see his new-fangled contraption for cleaning his teeth and ears at the same time.

"Totally $tmPunk"

Chet Kincaid May 4, 2011 at 10:34 am

Dumbchuckery.

kittenbomb May 4, 2011 at 10:34 am

Grandpa’s always doing shit like this since we took his driver’s license away.

SorosBot May 4, 2011 at 10:34 am

He uses a riding mower in his his advertisements? Geeze, I thought being that incredibly lazy was a negative for politicians, not a selling point.

GOPCrusher May 4, 2011 at 1:16 pm

Not in Iowa. And that sumbitch better be John Deere Green too.

Boredw/Gravitas May 4, 2011 at 10:35 am

Grandpa + tiny keyboard = morning laffs. Keep it up, Grassley. I can't get enough of your unintelligible ramblings.

chicken_thief May 4, 2011 at 11:00 am

They should create of Word Fun Puzzle book of his and the Snow Grifters tweets…

timbo71351 May 4, 2011 at 11:36 am

His staffers ought to gently tell him to cut out on the Tweeting. Or let his press secretary take over his account. But maybe they like the fact he generates internet laffs.

ifthethunderdontgetya May 4, 2011 at 10:36 am

More gas burned stupidly = more ethanol subsidies for Big Corn

A win for Grassley's owners, and a loss for the rest of us.

USA! USA! USA!
~

elviouslyqueer May 4, 2011 at 10:37 am

"He understands us… urban and rural." = Grassley knows a black dude. And no, not that one.

Hatrabbit May 4, 2011 at 10:37 am

Gras$ley $uck$As$

Doktor Zoom May 4, 2011 at 11:12 am

Gras$ley $uck$Gas$

metamarcisf May 4, 2011 at 10:38 am

If Oliver Wendell Douglas ran for Vice President, this would be his campaign ad.

Serolf_Divad May 4, 2011 at 10:40 am

The best part is that for that to work Grassley's have to disable the safety handle shutoff mechanism on the push mowers… which pretty much guarantees that sooner or later some kid will be visiting an emergency room carrying a severed hand in a bucket of ice.

Lascauxcaveman May 4, 2011 at 11:51 am

No need to permanently disable them, just a little duct tape on the handle, or a spring clamp. I've done it, on my mom's mower. She has only one hand, and can't start the mower otherwise.

(Now don't jump to conclusions, she was born with one hand.)

arcane_allusion May 4, 2011 at 10:40 am

New meme?

3 mowers 1 chuck

jodyleek May 4, 2011 at 10:43 am

This ass is Grass(ley).

Oblios_Cap May 4, 2011 at 10:43 am

If Grassley wants a job on the Red Green Show he's going to have to learn to make that contraption using only duct tape.

Hatrabbit May 4, 2011 at 10:45 am

Where's his gun? Where's his flag?

Doktor Zoom May 4, 2011 at 11:13 am

Grass comes up, grass gets cut down, never a miscommunication

widestanceroman May 4, 2011 at 10:45 am

Ass. Hole.

Sue4466 May 4, 2011 at 10:45 am

He's "mowing" grass that's already been mowed.

Typical Republican, sticking to his taking points regardless of the facts on the ground.

ThundercatHo May 4, 2011 at 10:45 am

When is someone (Pierce Brosnan?) going to do evil medical experiments to increase his IQ so he can learn to type?

CapeClod May 4, 2011 at 11:08 am

Upfist for "Lawnmower Man" reference.

johnnymeatworth May 4, 2011 at 10:46 am

He's just like e.e. cummings, except, you know, he sucks.

DaRooster May 4, 2011 at 10:50 am

Oh and… by the way… that lawn has already just been mowed moron.
Chuck Ghastly… putz.

Hatrabbit May 4, 2011 at 10:51 am

Wow. He's like the Thomas Edison of retards.

Chet Kincaid May 4, 2011 at 10:51 am

When Chuck mows, Jesus mows with him. And Ronald Reagan.

Hatrabbit May 4, 2011 at 10:57 am

I wondered who was pushing the other two mowers.

Doktor Zoom May 4, 2011 at 10:52 am

Pssh…Grassley's just trying to get onto that "There, I Fixed It" blog.

nounverb911 May 4, 2011 at 10:56 am

Wouldn't it have easier to just reuse his usual team of illegals?

philpjfry May 4, 2011 at 10:56 am

That much stupid should be illegal

Doktor Zoom May 4, 2011 at 10:58 am

This is enhanced, weapons-grade stupid.

With electrolytes.

tiredalways May 4, 2011 at 11:00 am

Will he be getting more subsidiary now for his corn-oil or something like that because he is mowing his own loan? huh? huh?

chicken_thief May 4, 2011 at 11:01 am

He been paling around with Larry Craig?!

Lucidamente1 May 4, 2011 at 11:01 am

Shit my dad says, if he were retarded.

Doktor Zoom May 4, 2011 at 11:01 am

Doesn't look all that safe. On the up side, if he fell off, neighbors could get some Ground Chuck for free.

Weenus299 May 4, 2011 at 11:03 am

Three times? What with, a Gillette?

Texan_Bulldog May 4, 2011 at 11:04 am

Nothing like showing you're part of the little people by having a yard so fucking big it takes 3 mowers to mow it. Hate to tell Chuck but most serfs have yards so small that a single Craftsman push mower will take care of it. Braggart!

chicken_thief May 4, 2011 at 11:06 am

The fucking guy has three mowers but an unpaved driveway – and we want him to make sound fiscal decisions for the nation?!!! Hell with the infrastructure, let's buy moar toyz!!!!

AJW@[redacted] May 4, 2011 at 3:07 pm

This is in keeping with his rabid anti-tax mentality. Paved driveways increase your property taxes, but you can have as many lawnmowers as you want, for free.

mumbly_joe May 4, 2011 at 11:07 am

com$m$eRials does not bear any relation to any word in any language. I am now convinced that CHK GR4$$-L3-Y is just a malfunctioning robot throwing wildcards in the middle of his words.

Doktor Zoom May 4, 2011 at 11:08 am

Let's see, needless complexity, duplication of effort, inefficiency for its own sake, a solution in search of a nonexistent problem…yep, sounds like a US Senator came up with this, all right.

RadioGroundZero May 4, 2011 at 11:10 am

I guess this would make too much sense for an elected ruminant.

Doktor Zoom May 4, 2011 at 11:36 am

Why do you hate America?

Monsieur_Grumpe May 4, 2011 at 11:11 am

The fact that he is in charge of anything should be of concern to the world.
Hange your head in shame Iowa.

Guppy06 May 4, 2011 at 11:18 am

That get-up looks like it has a carbon footprint the size of Delaware.

mrblifil May 4, 2011 at 11:24 am

Someone tell him you can start the engines faster by getting underneath them and giving the rotor blades a good strong push.

horsedreamer_1 May 4, 2011 at 11:44 am

Yo tampoco. Prefiero que mis putos jovenes* jardineros sean filipinos. Menos esperanzas, en visto a "tamano".

*Supongo que eso traduce como 'rent-boy'.

horsedreamer_1 May 4, 2011 at 11:46 am

This is what ethanol subsidies look like.

proudgrampa May 4, 2011 at 11:50 am

Huh?

genxr May 4, 2011 at 12:07 pm

what you need is a hummer dragging 2 jeeps behind it! USA!USAUSA!

ttommyunger May 4, 2011 at 12:08 pm

From what I know of Chuckles, that face, those teeth, that I.Q.; it would seem he would be supremely equipped to clip that yard and then some on all fours with those goat-choppers of his.

Clancy_Pants May 4, 2011 at 12:28 pm

3 mowers. Friggen iphone spell check.

James Michael Curley May 4, 2011 at 12:34 pm

A guy near here doesn't even ride his riding mower. He tethers it to a stake in the middle of a multi-acre lawn and turns it on and walks away. The tether keeps the mower going in circles and gets shorter each time around the lawn. I guess he hops on at the end and drives it out to do the corners.

Dow I get extra p-points for using tether two days in a row?

Gleem_McShineys May 4, 2011 at 12:47 pm

Grassley's incomprehensible tweeting of random words and characters is due to one of the following:

An acccident with the Grasstraption 3000 which removed a few key fingers necessary for proper typing.
He's also made his tweeting as 'efficient' as his mowing by duct taping a blackberry and two old cellphones together.
When you are elected by Republican cornhole people, you don't have to be very accurate in anything you do, they'll never notice.

GOPCrusher May 4, 2011 at 1:07 pm

How in the Hell can he be mowing grass already, my yard hasn't started growing yet?

Worthly[♬♪♬♪♫♪♬]Skum May 4, 2011 at 2:45 pm

He’s been mowing his lawn.

Is that one of those new terms for waxing?

XOhioan May 4, 2011 at 2:47 pm

He captured the guys-who-want-to-do-stupid-stuff-in-their-workshop-but-their-wives-won't-let-them vote.

fuflans May 4, 2011 at 4:15 pm

oh my god that's embarrassing.

SilverFox May 4, 2011 at 5:00 pm

I know I'm risking a few downfists here, but I'm starting to warm to this crazy old man. I'll take this guy's nonsensical, dadaist tweets over Bachmann, Cantor and the rest of those d-bags any day. And, I kinda like mowing the lawn too.

lochnessmonster May 4, 2011 at 5:41 pm

So this is what they do in Iowa to pass the time? I guess they have to think of something since it's flatter than a pancake and the only thing you see for miles is cornfields.

zhubajie May 4, 2011 at 11:59 pm

You can get comparable things commercially, for mowing football fields and the like.

zhubajie May 5, 2011 at 12:02 am

I'm sure he stays away from Iowa as much as possible!

Left_Leftie May 5, 2011 at 3:08 am

OK,now, I get it. He's just a crazy old man and another example of white male "affirmative action"

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