dollar dollar signs y'all

Chuck Grassley Invents New Way To Cut Grass

This what, Grassley? THIS WHAT? We're on the edge of our seats.
What sort of important legislator stuff has your senior senator been up to lately, Iowa? He’s been mowing his lawn. That’s almost as cool as killing Osama bin Laden! Grassley would like you to know he’s come up with an incredible innovation: He’s stuck two push mowers he had lying around to the back of his riding lawnmower so he can cover slightly more ground in each pass. We’ve looked up this ad he’s talking about, and this lawnmower contraption may be the stupidest thing we’ve ever seen.

Oh for fuck's sake

Winning the future! These are the kind of ideas that will arrive in America’s next Sputnik moment! Or, at least, will get Grassley a job working for the Red Green Show.

Here’s the ad. The mower thing appears briefly at the 0:45 mark. You don’t see it too long, but it looks like Grassley has trouble steering the push mowers. So this thing he’s doing is harder and probably spends more time and gas than if he just used his riding lawnmower.

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An incredible statesman. We understand how his surname got him interested in landscaping ingenuity, but how did he decide he would be good at being a senator? Or using a keyboard? [Twitter/YouTube]

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About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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131 comments

  1. DashboardBuddha

    Yeah! Three engines sans catalytic converters running at the same time…more wasted gas…more pollution! USA! Fuck yeah!

    1. riverside68

      mor $ for oil to the house of Saud!

      He isn't just not killing OBL, he is sending US$ to the middle east funders of the OBL movement. Which helps justify buying mor bombs with US$.

      Sorry about health care and education and shit we can't afford it with all the well funded enemies we got.

      Is he a great American or what?

      1. OneDollarJuana

        Clearly, his Senate salary is waaaaaaaay too high if he can afford to run three mowers at once! However, kudos for the way he hitched up his team of grass-munchers!

    2. widestanceroman

      I try to think locally about this caper–he's getting thrice the exhaust fumes and thrice the hearing loss he might get from one. Brain cell loss is obviously a moot point, however.

      1. Lascauxcaveman

        I'm a tinkerer, and I've done enough hare-brained things like this to have some grudging respect for his level of execution of this project. (Also a Red Green fan.)

        But mostly I'm jealous of the time he has to waste on shit like this. Those days are long gone for me; I have a full time job.

        1. widestanceroman

          It is annoying that he's paid through our taxes to do what he'd eliminate a 99er's benefits if caught doing.

    3. genxr

      You can find this for sale on the redstate amazon page, under the category, "Devices designed specifically to annoy liberals," next to the 50lb bags of rock salt.

      Sure it's a lot of trouble, but when you finally get that contraption to work for ten seconds you can breathe in those gas fumes and laugh laugh laugh…

  2. Barb

    He should mow his lawn the way that Sarah Palin does; strap the kid to the front of you in a chest snuggy carrier so that any rocks, glass, etc that is thrown by the blades hits him instead of you.

  3. freakishlywrong

    WS 2 Chiken 2 do townhall. Fraid peeps wld ask me re: thrwing Grandma udr bus. #Ryan Roadmap to Ruin.

  4. Badonkadonkette

    Wow. He's like a superhero. He should have a wicked cool name that bespeaks his magic powers. Like Grassley, or something.

  5. memzilla

    If he was a real Murrican, there'd be moar flags n' guns on that mower. And cupholders.

      1. V572..whatever

        Inchoate screaming? Yes. Backwards ball hat? Check. Loser prison-pussy beard? You got it. Gas-guzzling useless motor vehicle? He's got one! Cheap patriotism of ostentatious flag display? Of course. And to top it off, carefully aimed gun shooting at not a goddam thing.

        What a beautiful video.

  6. BaldarTFlagass

    He wouldn't be so all Tim Allen with his mowers if he had some fucking trees to mow around.

  7. bureaucrap

    I am convinced that his "com$m$eRcials" was an intentional "typo" — that's his way of reminding his corporate overlords that he needs more money.

  8. DaSandman

    Only Trig, The Greatest Living American and Child Saint, could understand what the fuck that tweet meant.

  9. CliveWarren

    He mowed lawn first time this? Why did he decide to do this now – for the first time (this). Did he lose his gardener? Did his gardener get shot? I don't know… In they EYE?!?

  10. freakishlywrong

    Horseshit this asshole mows his lawn. That's what the browns are for. In Iowa, if you're not mowing a lawn or on a roof, be prepared to be deported.

  11. ProgressiveInga

    Grassman is just doing his part to fight illegal immigration – more mowers = Mexican obsolescence. FTW!!!!1!!!!1!!

  12. facehead

    That's nothing, one time I got ridiculously stoned and invented a new way to breathe.

  13. Hatrabbit

    Trying to translate from Cool-Kid-Speak to English here:

    com$m$eRcials

    = money Commiseracials?

    = money commiserations racial ?

    = "Sorry 'bout the black President. Send money".–Ahh think I got it.

    1. Mumbletypeg

      OT – I can't refrain from laughing every time I see your Boehner-sadface, and end up fisting involuntarily because it feels like he's saying it to me himself, between sobs. So emotional.

    2. Doktor Zoom

      In college, I bused Harrison Ford's table.

      Funny how everything sounds like filthy innuendo when it's said on Wonkette.

      1. widestanceroman

        I did coke with Scarlett Johansson and. . .no, I'm not going to encourage that sort of mutant threading here.

        1. mrblifil

          I had sex with late night Skinemax star Angela Nicholas. Oh wait, it sounds less dirty when it's something you actually did…

      2. Lascauxcaveman

        When I worked in airline security, I searched Huey Lewis' duffel. And Robbie Knievel's, several times.

        (You're right. It sounds absolutely filthy, here on Wonkette.)

  14. BarackMyWorld

    Are they called "com$m$eRcials" because they're so damn expensive to buy airtime for (thus justifying being a complete whore for corporate donations)?

  15. Hatrabbit

    You should see his new-fangled contraption for cleaning his teeth and ears at the same time.

    "Totally $tmPunk"

  16. SorosBot

    He uses a riding mower in his his advertisements? Geeze, I thought being that incredibly lazy was a negative for politicians, not a selling point.

  17. Boredw/Gravitas

    Grandpa + tiny keyboard = morning laffs. Keep it up, Grassley. I can't get enough of your unintelligible ramblings.

    1. chicken_thief

      They should create of Word Fun Puzzle book of his and the Snow Grifters tweets…

      1. timbo71351

        His staffers ought to gently tell him to cut out on the Tweeting. Or let his press secretary take over his account. But maybe they like the fact he generates internet laffs.

  18. elviouslyqueer

    "He understands us… urban and rural." = Grassley knows a black dude. And no, not that one.

  19. metamarcisf

    If Oliver Wendell Douglas ran for Vice President, this would be his campaign ad.

  20. Serolf_Divad

    The best part is that for that to work Grassley's have to disable the safety handle shutoff mechanism on the push mowers… which pretty much guarantees that sooner or later some kid will be visiting an emergency room carrying a severed hand in a bucket of ice.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      No need to permanently disable them, just a little duct tape on the handle, or a spring clamp. I've done it, on my mom's mower. She has only one hand, and can't start the mower otherwise.

      (Now don't jump to conclusions, she was born with one hand.)

  21. Oblios_Cap

    If Grassley wants a job on the Red Green Show he's going to have to learn to make that contraption using only duct tape.

  22. Sue4466

    He's "mowing" grass that's already been mowed.

    Typical Republican, sticking to his taking points regardless of the facts on the ground.

  23. ThundercatHo

    When is someone (Pierce Brosnan?) going to do evil medical experiments to increase his IQ so he can learn to type?

  24. DaRooster

    Oh and… by the way… that lawn has already just been mowed moron.
    Chuck Ghastly… putz.

  25. tiredalways

    Will he be getting more subsidiary now for his corn-oil or something like that because he is mowing his own loan? huh? huh?

  26. Doktor Zoom

    Doesn't look all that safe. On the up side, if he fell off, neighbors could get some Ground Chuck for free.

  27. Texan_Bulldog

    Nothing like showing you're part of the little people by having a yard so fucking big it takes 3 mowers to mow it. Hate to tell Chuck but most serfs have yards so small that a single Craftsman push mower will take care of it. Braggart!

  28. chicken_thief

    The fucking guy has three mowers but an unpaved driveway – and we want him to make sound fiscal decisions for the nation?!!! Hell with the infrastructure, let's buy moar toyz!!!!

    1. AJW@[redacted]

      This is in keeping with his rabid anti-tax mentality. Paved driveways increase your property taxes, but you can have as many lawnmowers as you want, for free.

  29. mumbly_joe

    com$m$eRials does not bear any relation to any word in any language. I am now convinced that CHK GR4$$-L3-Y is just a malfunctioning robot throwing wildcards in the middle of his words.

  30. Doktor Zoom

    Let's see, needless complexity, duplication of effort, inefficiency for its own sake, a solution in search of a nonexistent problem…yep, sounds like a US Senator came up with this, all right.

  31. mrblifil

    Someone tell him you can start the engines faster by getting underneath them and giving the rotor blades a good strong push.

  32. horsedreamer_1

    Yo tampoco. Prefiero que mis putos jovenes* jardineros sean filipinos. Menos esperanzas, en visto a "tamano".

    *Supongo que eso traduce como 'rent-boy'.

  33. ttommyunger

    From what I know of Chuckles, that face, those teeth, that I.Q.; it would seem he would be supremely equipped to clip that yard and then some on all fours with those goat-choppers of his.

  34. James Michael Curley

    A guy near here doesn't even ride his riding mower. He tethers it to a stake in the middle of a multi-acre lawn and turns it on and walks away. The tether keeps the mower going in circles and gets shorter each time around the lawn. I guess he hops on at the end and drives it out to do the corners.

    Dow I get extra p-points for using tether two days in a row?

  35. Gleem_McShineys

    Grassley's incomprehensible tweeting of random words and characters is due to one of the following:

    An acccident with the Grasstraption 3000 which removed a few key fingers necessary for proper typing.
    He's also made his tweeting as 'efficient' as his mowing by duct taping a blackberry and two old cellphones together.
    When you are elected by Republican cornhole people, you don't have to be very accurate in anything you do, they'll never notice.

  36. GOPCrusher

    How in the Hell can he be mowing grass already, my yard hasn't started growing yet?

  37. Worthly[♬♪♬♪♫♪♬]Skum

    He’s been mowing his lawn.

    Is that one of those new terms for waxing?

  38. XOhioan

    He captured the guys-who-want-to-do-stupid-stuff-in-their-workshop-but-their-wives-won't-let-them vote.

  39. SilverFox

    I know I'm risking a few downfists here, but I'm starting to warm to this crazy old man. I'll take this guy's nonsensical, dadaist tweets over Bachmann, Cantor and the rest of those d-bags any day. And, I kinda like mowing the lawn too.

  40. lochnessmonster

    So this is what they do in Iowa to pass the time? I guess they have to think of something since it's flatter than a pancake and the only thing you see for miles is cornfields.

  41. zhubajie

    You can get comparable things commercially, for mowing football fields and the like.

  42. Left_Leftie

    OK,now, I get it. He's just a crazy old man and another example of white male "affirmative action"

Comments are closed.