it's morning in america

Japan Says It’s Okay For Children To Be Exposed To Lots Of Radiation

...in accordance with Islamic practice and tradition.

  • Good morning, miserable jingoes! Here is your dumb news: The Japanese government has made a few small changes to “nuclear safety standards in schools.” Japanese schoolchildren can now be exposed to twenty times more radiation than was previously allowed! Parents are “furious” for some reason, and have “delivered a bag of radioactive playground earth to education officials in protest.” (Radioactive Playground Earth. That will be the name of our next ska band.) Anyway! Japanese children can now be exposed to twenty millisieverts a year, which is “equivalent to the annual maximum dose for German nuclear workers,” according to this news article. (Oh, crap.) The EPA has already decided that Americans can eat radioactive fruits and vegetables, so we’re not far behind. [The Guardian]
  • Who will be America’s next Top Bogeyman, now that the world’s most evil human is dead (assassinated and tossed off a boat, for Freedom)? Some guy named Ayman al Zawahiri! That’s a tough one to pronounce! Here, let us help you: Bo-gey-man. [McClatchy]
  • Apparently Barack Obama is too chickenshit to release one more photo of a dead Muslim. Why is this? Taking pictures of dead Muslims and then posting them on the Internet is America’s favorite hobby! Oh well. Introducing: Dead Muslim Foto Time/Justice! Each morning we will post a random Dead Muslim Foto that we find on Google Images, until America experiences the Dead Muslim Closure that it deserves and so desperately needs. Here is today’s Foto!

    Yay!
    We forgot to dump this one into the ocean, like it says in the Koran. (Ha-ha, what Koran? We flushed that piece of garbage down the toilet years ago.)

About the author

Riley is an "internet blogger." He has written for such internet websites as True/Slant and the terrible Brangelina gossip emporium "The Huffington Post." Riley lives in northeast DC, near H Street. Maybe you do too and want to hang out?

View all articles by Riley Waggaman
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141 comments

  1. Frost/Nixon/Robocop

    Who will be America’s next Top Bogeyman, now that the world’s most evil human is dead?

    Hopefully James O'Keefe.

    1. bagofmice

      Is it wrong for me to smoosh these ideas up into "O'Keefe the third, and his radioactive dildos present this year's theme: 'Under the Sea'"

    2. Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Don't yo have to fear a bogeyman, not laugh uncontrollably when ever his name is mentioned?

      1. Frost/Nixon/Robocop

        I was thinking more along the lines of a manhunt culminating in a double tap. By double tap I mean a Tyler Perry double feature.

      1. riverside68

        Note to Riley: that was humor, poking fun at 'serious adults doing serious adult shit like it matters.' (Not good humor, but humor none the less.)

        Real actual dead muslins with real actual ugly americans who are laughing at them is not humor. Or at least not more than once a month at most. And never before drinking time.

        Just my thoughts . . .

  2. Terry

    A sack of radioactive playground dirt? The Japanese know how to protest is a civil, yet effective way. Much more effective than mailing tea bags.

    1. bagofmice

      Old-Age Mutant Rascal Tea-bags,
      Old-Age Mutant Rascal Tea-bags,
      Old-Age Mutant Rascal Tea-bags
      Heroes in a Hoveround.
      Scooter Power!

      (Use the TMNT cartoon theme song)

  3. OC_Slurpee_Serf

    c'mon…for as long as those fat little fucks sit in front of the teevee machine, American kids have far more radiation in 'em

  4. LesBontemps

    Photos of dead Muslims? Not really the pr0n I was looking for; needz moar buttsechs, at least.

  5. Fukui_sanYesOta

    Somewhere in a luxury compound in Pakistan Mullah Omar is hiring a new publicist.

  6. LabRodent

    In my day I was exposed to way more radiation than that and we loved it. ( Hiroshima survivor to his great-grandson)

  7. freakishlywrong

    The Dead Muslim thing. I don't know. Ick.
    I'm going to wait until someone posts a funny comment and then copy it and post it myself.

      1. Mumbletypeg

        No Plagiarizing Necessary from F-to-the-W. If enjoying those wryly tossed-up comments is freakishlywrong I don't wanna be freakishlyright, then!

  8. meufchelou

    Jeez…it looks like she bought him and had him wrapped at the Iraqi tourist gift shop. NO breakfast for me.

  9. Texan_Bulldog

    Japanese children glowing green from radiation still screw up the bell curve for the dumb, fat kids in the US.

  10. Pragmatist2

    It's not just OK. It's actually necessary.
    Where will the next generation of Godzillas come from without exposure to radiation?

    1. Weenus299

      He's already destroyed our military by hogging all the credit by fulfilling his constitutional obligation.

    1. tiredalways

      According to teatards, a lot other people but Obama err…oops.. Osaba bin Laden

      Edit. Anybody wanna teach me how to do strikethrough?

  11. SorosBot

    Changing the legal limits for children's radiation exposure sounds like something from a Japanese movie or cartoon; I expect them to legalize tentacle-rape of underage schoolgirls next…

    1. Weenus299

      Actually, it sounds like some shit we would do with the watering down of our standards of just about everything. Go JapanAmerica!

      1. CapeClod

        What? You mean like raising the content of petroleum and heavy metals in seafood that can legally be sold by Gulf fisheries? Yeah, been there, done that.

  12. Weenus299

    What's more offensive, the dead man or the vacuous thumbs-up and smile of a midwestern chick who looks like she's on vacation?

    1. BerkeleyBear

      She actually reminds me of said MW girls on spring break who know they are breaking their father's hearts by grinding with many dusky men. They flash almost the same look in many pictures I've seen.

    2. DashboardBuddha

      "next slide…oh, here's Tiffy next to a dead Moslem we killed whilst on safari. Best vacation ever!"

    3. riverside68

      Posers always win on the offensive scale.

      He had no more free will when this photo was taken. Any offensiveness of his passes to the poster of the photo.

    4. SorosBot

      Just a small town girl, living in her lonely wor-or-orld; took the midnight plane to go blow up browns.

  13. CapnFatback

    Parents are “furious” for some reason, and have “delivered a bag of radioactive playground earth to education officials in protest.” (Radioactive Playground Earth. That will be the name of our next ska band.)

    When did Dave Berry start writing for Wonkette?

  14. James Michael Curley

    Our young GI Jane there better watch out for drunken Blackwater Guards while she stands there in that position.

    1. DahBoner

      Wonder who had to run out to the nearest Iraqi 7-Eleven to get the ice, smokes and beer?

  15. donner_froh

    With all the good extra radioactivity Japanese children may decide to become lawyers and investment bankers instead of engineers–that way there will be enough places in U.S. engineering grad schools for Chinese students.

    1. BerkeleyBear

      I think you mean the Koreans/Vietnamese – the Chinese pipeline is already well established, according to my engineer friends (most of whom decided to go to law school instead of engineering grad school).

  16. DaRooster

    "Some guy named Ayman al Zawahiri! That’s a tough one to pronounce…"

    Is it tougher than NOT saying Obama has been killed? Shit, I'm trying to just say bin Laden…

  17. Texan_Bulldog

    RE: America's next bogeyman. I eagerly await Snowbilly trying to pronounce Ayman al Zawahiri in the debates. I imagine she'll just call him 'that mean man over there'.

    1. James Michael Curley

      As fair Sarah ages, she'll shorten it like her mentor Juan McCain to "that one".

  18. CapeClod

    If we are only releasing the pictures to appease the idiots and the psychos, then no, don't release them because they won't believe it anyway. The whole birth certificate thing should have taught them that.

  19. ttommyunger

    Civilians really have no idea how jaded one can become in certain working/living environments (Being kind, and being a victim myself in times past, I want to think it is a coping mechanism). The look on this girl's face should give a clue. Sorry for the lack of snark, this is just fucking sad.

    1. riverside68

      Way too much reality there Ttommy. Lighten up and start drinking to forget.

      (I did tell Riley that it wasn't funny and he shouldn't post that shit before drinking time.)

      1. ttommyunger

        Sadly, my drinking days are all behind me. I'm woefully uninformed to start drugs at this stage of my life; I'd prolly pay good money for Baby Powder and wind up marking my territory everywhere I went with little white puffs (Old men fart a lot). Alas, I am stuck with reality, so maybe I should just shut the fuck up more.

        1. riverside68

          Old farts are the best kind. They give great nose: oakey, some green grass, is that spinach? definitely robust, great legs, full rear end, big bust . . .
          What were we talking about?

  20. Oblios_Cap

    Ha-ha, what Koran? We flushed that piece of garbage down the toilet years ago.

    You weren't supposed to let that slip, Wags. Now the Muslins won't like us anymore.

    1. Mumbletypeg

      JEebus. How much do people get paid to sift through archived footage with the instructions "…So if Osama's name comes up, bank it, cache it, let's see if we can make hay with it." It sounds like one of the kinds of jobs still un-replaceable by computer'bot's as of now, and yet still maintains America's high standards of sedentary paralysis. (Q: "Will this job make my ass look flat?" A: "YES.")

      1. bagofmice

        The author of the piece is Jason Linkins. He gets paid to watch all of the Sunday shows and mock them as needed. Thankfully.

  21. Mumbletypeg

    The Gary Oldman/ Mickey Rourke/ whichever-Barfly photo redux, wtf? Even the alt-text's the same as yesterday's. Also too, I heard this same Japan schoolchildren thing on Tuesday's Democracy Now broadcast before it became today's meme. Riley: haven't we enough drama available to kick around without regurgitating yesterday's gristle?

      1. Mumbletypeg

        No animosity intended. Actually, I'm finding myself a little cranky this morning that I can't get teh stoopid out of my avatard. Gratavar.com lets me in to re-select my original Ayndroid sans Eddie Munster, nonetheless it appears I'm forever to have Paul "Now watch this Drivel " Ryan stuck in my craw.

  22. El Pinche

    And the new bogey man isn't Cheney? Here are some points for your reading pleasure:

    1) Masterminded the destruction of Constitutional rights and general destruction of the USA 2001-2009

    2) Has a god damn man-sized safe

    3) Doesn't die. His heart has exploded 20 times (that's 19 shitty sequels)

    4) Has spin-off hell spawns like Liz Cheney (e.g. Bride of Chucky, joanie loves chachi)

    1. V572..whatever

      5) As veep and President of the Senate, brought a new level of incivility. Saying "Go fuck yourself" to Leahy was another way of saying, "Congress is a powerless rubber-stamp mechanism for feeding money to my War Machine."

      1. El Pinche

        Yep, creepy one-liners like Freddy Krueger. It's very clear that we need to send some SEALS to Cheney's compound ASAP.

  23. Gold_ManSacks

    Radioactive fruits and vegetables, have these people never seen Attack of the Killer Tomatoes?

    Also, ska still exists? You east coasters confuse me.

      1. Gold_ManSacks

        I don't get it. Did you write Attack of the Killer Tomatoes? Are you in an east coast ska band? Is that band called Attack of the Killer Tomatoes or some skaish play on the above, Attack of the Killer Skamatoes or some such?

  24. mumbly_joe

    Who will be America’s next Top Bogeyman, now that the world’s most evil human is dead (assassinated and tossed off a boat, for Freedom)? Some guy named Ayman al Zawahiri! That’s a tough one to pronounce! Here, let us help you: Bo-Oh-bam-ah

    FTFY!

    NOBOBAMA

  25. WhatTheHolyHeck

    Fuck radioactive school children, we got those motherfuckers at Sony to bow in apology over the PSN breach.

  26. Hatrabbit

    Yelling out of window at the kids: "Hey you two, come inside and stop playing with my nuclear waste collection!"

    Goes back to drinking beer. … mmm breakfast.

  27. BarackMyWorld

    I'm guessing someone in Japan thinks the extra dose of radiation will give their kids mutant powers to better compete with the rest of the world with. Assuming they're as ignorant about science as Americans are, which they're probably not so nevermind!

  28. flamingpdog

    Will pre-pubescent Japanese girls panties in vending machines come in lead-lined packages now?

  29. zappadoo76

    What a wonderful way to get rid of radiation poisoning: define it out of existence.

  30. real_dc_native

    I vote for Dick Cheney to be America's next Bogey Man. For a while he was the most dangerous man on earth.

  31. MiniMencken

    At least radioactive children are some kind of active. Not like the couch potatoes lumbering around the halls of our public schools.

  32. ShaveTheWhales

    Been gone for a few days, so just catching up. On the matter of glowing Japanese schoolchildren, a few remarks:

    1. It is true that there is no safe dose of radiation, in the sense that there is no cut-off or threshold for long-term medical effects (cancer, mostly). The dose accumulated over your life is related to your probability of developing cancer.

    2. However, it is also true that it is impossible to go through life with zero exposure to radiation. And, it is true that there are many other known environmental factors that raise the probability of developing a cancer, as well as a baseline probability for which there is, as yet, no known specific cause(s). Therefore, setting exposure limits for radiation (and any other environmental influence) is inevitably a question of cost versus benefit, where the benefit has to be estimated as a change in probability of incurring harm.

    3. Everything I've read on the subject indicates that 20 mSv per year, continued for many years, probably does cause a statistically significant increase in one's probability of developing cancer during one's lifetime. It is pretty crucial to remember, however, that "statistically significant" doesn't necessarily mean "large". ( A recent Wonkette example — the response rate of state legislators to identical inquires from "Jake" and "DeShawn". The difference was clearly significant, i.e., almost certainly real, and not just an artifact of the data), but it was the difference between 60% and 55%). I believe that the increase in cancer probability for a long-term dose of 20 mSv/yr is less than 5%. That is, without the ongoing dose, you probably have a lifetime probability of cancer of, say, 30%. With the ongoing dose, your lifetime probability would increase something less than 31.5%. BTW, I am not arguing that this is a trivial matter — just that it is far removed from glowing in the dark.

    4. By the way, the previous limit of 1 MSv/yr was probably a fiction. The average background radiation in Japan is something like 2-3 mSv/yr. I guess you could get the average school contribution down below 1 by calculating hours, but I bet you there wasn't a lot of actual data taken at actual schools.

    5. It's hardly surprising that most schools in the area are over 1 mSv/yr. They were probably just under that limit before the disaster. OTOH, 20 mSv is five or six chest X-Rays or mammograms, or about one CT scan. Per year, that seems like quite a bit too much for schoolkids, particularly if continued over several years.

    My guess is that the actual measurements at schools have been a few mSv/yr, which would not really be cause for concern. What would worry me the most is the possibility that the authorities picked 20 as the limit because it was well above any actual measurements. Although this would appear to be good news — since the average real dose exposure would be much less than the limit — I'd worry that it indicates a lack of intent to actually make continuing measurements.

    Fuck, I need to drink something. I'm much too serious. Later.

Comments are closed.