IT'S MORNING IN AMERICA  8:52 am May 4, 2011

Japan Says It’s Okay For Children To Be Exposed To Lots Of Radiation

by Riley Waggaman

...in accordance with Islamic practice and tradition.

  • Good morning, miserable jingoes! Here is your dumb news: The Japanese government has made a few small changes to “nuclear safety standards in schools.” Japanese schoolchildren can now be exposed to twenty times more radiation than was previously allowed! Parents are “furious” for some reason, and have “delivered a bag of radioactive playground earth to education officials in protest.” (Radioactive Playground Earth. That will be the name of our next ska band.) Anyway! Japanese children can now be exposed to twenty millisieverts a year, which is “equivalent to the annual maximum dose for German nuclear workers,” according to this news article. (Oh, crap.) The EPA has already decided that Americans can eat radioactive fruits and vegetables, so we’re not far behind. [The Guardian]
  • Who will be America’s next Top Bogeyman, now that the world’s most evil human is dead (assassinated and tossed off a boat, for Freedom)? Some guy named Ayman al Zawahiri! That’s a tough one to pronounce! Here, let us help you: Bo-gey-man. [McClatchy]
  • Apparently Barack Obama is too chickenshit to release one more photo of a dead Muslim. Why is this? Taking pictures of dead Muslims and then posting them on the Internet is America’s favorite hobby! Oh well. Introducing: Dead Muslim Foto Time/Justice! Each morning we will post a random Dead Muslim Foto that we find on Google Images, until America experiences the Dead Muslim Closure that it deserves and so desperately needs. Here is today’s Foto!

    Yay!
    We forgot to dump this one into the ocean, like it says in the Koran. (Ha-ha, what Koran? We flushed that piece of garbage down the toilet years ago.)

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 141 comments }

Frost/Nixon/Robocop May 4, 2011 at 8:57 am

Who will be America’s next Top Bogeyman, now that the world’s most evil human is dead?

Hopefully James O'Keefe.

bagofmice May 4, 2011 at 10:09 am

Is it wrong for me to smoosh these ideas up into "O'Keefe the third, and his radioactive dildos present this year's theme: 'Under the Sea'"

Lionel[redacted]Esq May 4, 2011 at 1:16 pm

Don't yo have to fear a bogeyman, not laugh uncontrollably when ever his name is mentioned?

Frost/Nixon/Robocop May 4, 2011 at 2:20 pm

I was thinking more along the lines of a manhunt culminating in a double tap. By double tap I mean a Tyler Perry double feature.

Worthly[♬♪♬♪♫♪♬]Skum May 4, 2011 at 1:42 pm

Always bet on black.

glamourdammerung May 4, 2011 at 4:34 pm

They specified "human".

ifthethunderdontgetya May 4, 2011 at 8:57 am

Another photo wonketteers need to see.
~

rileywaggs May 4, 2011 at 8:59 am

A+ Thank You!

riverside68 May 4, 2011 at 9:49 am

Note to Riley: that was humor, poking fun at 'serious adults doing serious adult shit like it matters.' (Not good humor, but humor none the less.)

Real actual dead muslins with real actual ugly americans who are laughing at them is not humor. Or at least not more than once a month at most. And never before drinking time.

Just my thoughts . . .

freakishlywrong May 4, 2011 at 9:10 am

Looks like fat cat Republicans peeing in the grown up pool.

LesBontemps May 4, 2011 at 9:20 am

Scroll down a bit.

bagofmice May 4, 2011 at 10:13 am

Touched by his noodly appendage.

Terry May 4, 2011 at 8:59 am

A sack of radioactive playground dirt? The Japanese know how to protest is a civil, yet effective way. Much more effective than mailing tea bags.

bagofmice May 4, 2011 at 10:17 am

Old-Age Mutant Rascal Tea-bags,
Old-Age Mutant Rascal Tea-bags,
Old-Age Mutant Rascal Tea-bags
Heroes in a Hoveround.
Scooter Power!

(Use the TMNT cartoon theme song)

memzilla May 4, 2011 at 9:00 am

Where's my "The Jingoes Ate Your Baby" T-shirt?

bagofmice May 4, 2011 at 10:19 am

Didn't they print that on blankets back in the day?

OC_Slurpee_Serf May 4, 2011 at 9:04 am

c'mon…for as long as those fat little fucks sit in front of the teevee machine, American kids have far more radiation in 'em

4tehlulz_lite May 4, 2011 at 9:04 am

I admire Japan's dedication to making a live-action Akira.

bagofmice May 4, 2011 at 10:20 am

The writer for ''The Book of Eli" actually WAS writing that.

LesBontemps May 4, 2011 at 9:08 am

Photos of dead Muslims? Not really the pr0n I was looking for; needz moar buttsechs, at least.

trampndirtdown May 4, 2011 at 9:09 am

Yes but do you know who else was paraded around as a radioactive bogeyman?

undeterredbyreality May 4, 2011 at 9:28 am

Godzirra?

DaRooster May 4, 2011 at 9:31 am

Marie Curie?

donner_froh May 4, 2011 at 9:32 am

J. Robert Oppenheimer?

Steverino247 May 4, 2011 at 9:45 am

Colonel Batguano?

riverside68 May 4, 2011 at 9:51 am

Jeff Goldblum?

SorosBot May 4, 2011 at 9:59 am

Dr. Chen Lu, the Radioactive Man?

horsedreamer_1 May 4, 2011 at 10:16 am

Homer Simpson?

bagofmice May 4, 2011 at 10:22 am

Blinky?

ThundercatHo May 4, 2011 at 9:09 am

Radioactive dirt? Maybe now they can grow some decent sized eggplants.

OC_Slurpee_Serf May 4, 2011 at 9:10 am

America’s Next Top Bogeyman

This Fall on FOX Tuesdays at 8:00

themcwow May 4, 2011 at 10:57 am

can't wait to see Tyra and judges deliberate

Fukui_sanYesOta May 4, 2011 at 9:11 am

Somewhere in a luxury compound in Pakistan Mullah Omar is hiring a new publicist.

Crank_Tango May 4, 2011 at 11:09 am

still trumps trump.

LabRodent May 4, 2011 at 9:12 am

In my day I was exposed to way more radiation than that and we loved it. ( Hiroshima survivor to his great-grandson)

freakishlywrong May 4, 2011 at 9:12 am

The Dead Muslim thing. I don't know. Ick.
I'm going to wait until someone posts a funny comment and then copy it and post it myself.

donner_froh May 4, 2011 at 9:34 am

The Chuck Norris way to commenting excellence.

bagofmice May 4, 2011 at 10:23 am

Underneath his beard, there is only another post.

trampndirtdown May 4, 2011 at 9:37 am

Try copying from owls or wookie they usually have the best stuff.

Mumbletypeg May 4, 2011 at 9:48 am

No Plagiarizing Necessary from F-to-the-W. If enjoying those wryly tossed-up comments is freakishlywrong I don't wanna be freakishlyright, then!

freakishlywrong May 4, 2011 at 9:57 am

Why, thank ya Mumblety, right back at cha!

meufchelou May 4, 2011 at 9:14 am

Jeez…it looks like she bought him and had him wrapped at the Iraqi tourist gift shop. NO breakfast for me.

Crank_Tango May 4, 2011 at 11:10 am

i won't be able to buy "gulf ice" anymore…

simplyblue7 May 4, 2011 at 9:16 am

And, lets not forget, they get the chores done faster.

Kakkeltje May 4, 2011 at 11:20 am

Because of the extra limbs they have grown?

Texan_Bulldog May 4, 2011 at 9:17 am

Japanese children glowing green from radiation still screw up the bell curve for the dumb, fat kids in the US.

Pragmatist2 May 4, 2011 at 9:18 am

It's not just OK. It's actually necessary.
Where will the next generation of Godzillas come from without exposure to radiation?

simplyblue7 May 4, 2011 at 9:18 am

These radioactive Japanese children will destroy us all! With math and science of course.

bagofmice May 4, 2011 at 10:25 am

How else do you build a reactor?

LesBontemps May 4, 2011 at 9:18 am

Who will be America’s next Top Bogeyman

Easy. Barack Obama.

Weenus299 May 4, 2011 at 9:27 am

He's already destroyed our military by hogging all the credit by fulfilling his constitutional obligation.

philpjfry May 4, 2011 at 9:20 am

Upside to radioactive dirt….Godzilla Can't be far behind

Rosie_Scenario May 4, 2011 at 9:21 am

You know who else was buried at sea?

LabRodent May 4, 2011 at 9:25 am

Kamikaze Pilots?

Weenus299 May 4, 2011 at 9:27 am

John F. Kennedy Jr.?

trampndirtdown May 4, 2011 at 9:27 am

Davey Jones?

Monsieur_Grumpe May 4, 2011 at 9:32 am

Jimmy Hoffa?

jodyleek May 4, 2011 at 9:32 am

Amelia Earhart?

CapeClod May 4, 2011 at 9:33 am

Adolph Eichmann?

donner_froh May 4, 2011 at 9:34 am

Most of the passengers on the Titanic?

BarryOPotter May 4, 2011 at 9:35 am

Barbosa?

DaRooster May 4, 2011 at 9:35 am

Charlie Tuna?

CrankyLttlCamperette May 4, 2011 at 9:42 am

Captain Ahab?

tiredalways May 4, 2011 at 9:59 am

According to teatards, a lot other people but Obama err…oops.. Osaba bin Laden

Edit. Anybody wanna teach me how to do strikethrough?

Badonkadonkette May 4, 2011 at 10:04 am

s s
<c></c>
< strike > text < /strike >

got it.

tiredalways May 4, 2011 at 10:11 am

Thank you and upfist for your p-ness

Crank_Tango May 4, 2011 at 11:11 am

new orleans?

flamingpdog May 4, 2011 at 11:28 am

Every gerbil I've ever owned.

imissopus May 4, 2011 at 12:39 pm

Godzilla?

SorosBot May 4, 2011 at 9:21 am

Changing the legal limits for children's radiation exposure sounds like something from a Japanese movie or cartoon; I expect them to legalize tentacle-rape of underage schoolgirls next…

Weenus299 May 4, 2011 at 9:26 am

Actually, it sounds like some shit we would do with the watering down of our standards of just about everything. Go JapanAmerica!

CapeClod May 4, 2011 at 9:51 am

What? You mean like raising the content of petroleum and heavy metals in seafood that can legally be sold by Gulf fisheries? Yeah, been there, done that.

kittenbomb May 4, 2011 at 10:21 am

Exactly! If you can’t beat ‘em, lower your standards! Problem solved.

Weenus299 May 4, 2011 at 9:25 am

What's more offensive, the dead man or the vacuous thumbs-up and smile of a midwestern chick who looks like she's on vacation?

BerkeleyBear May 4, 2011 at 9:39 am

She actually reminds me of said MW girls on spring break who know they are breaking their father's hearts by grinding with many dusky men. They flash almost the same look in many pictures I've seen.

DashboardBuddha May 4, 2011 at 9:56 am

"next slide…oh, here's Tiffy next to a dead Moslem we killed whilst on safari. Best vacation ever!"

riverside68 May 4, 2011 at 9:58 am

Posers always win on the offensive scale.

He had no more free will when this photo was taken. Any offensiveness of his passes to the poster of the photo.

horsedreamer_1 May 4, 2011 at 10:18 am

In another life, she'd be not a soldier, but an "amateur" porn actress.
http://o.onionstatic.com/images/articles/article/
(h/t theONION (prolly my first ONION-inspired belly-laugh since "Serbs send Peacekeepers to U.S. following contested election"))

SorosBot May 4, 2011 at 10:42 am

Just a small town girl, living in her lonely wor-or-orld; took the midnight plane to go blow up browns.

Gratuitous World May 4, 2011 at 9:26 am

i'll see your radiation and raise you an insane amount of corn syrup. usa!

CapnFatback May 4, 2011 at 9:30 am

Parents are “furious” for some reason, and have “delivered a bag of radioactive playground earth to education officials in protest.” (Radioactive Playground Earth. That will be the name of our next ska band.)

When did Dave Berry start writing for Wonkette?

bagofmice May 4, 2011 at 10:40 am

Sometime between "Muslin Jihad" and "Osama death-trip".

James Michael Curley May 4, 2011 at 9:31 am

Our young GI Jane there better watch out for drunken Blackwater Guards while she stands there in that position.

DahBoner May 4, 2011 at 12:46 pm

Wonder who had to run out to the nearest Iraqi 7-Eleven to get the ice, smokes and beer?

donner_froh May 4, 2011 at 9:31 am

With all the good extra radioactivity Japanese children may decide to become lawyers and investment bankers instead of engineers–that way there will be enough places in U.S. engineering grad schools for Chinese students.

BerkeleyBear May 4, 2011 at 9:41 am

I think you mean the Koreans/Vietnamese – the Chinese pipeline is already well established, according to my engineer friends (most of whom decided to go to law school instead of engineering grad school).

DaRooster May 4, 2011 at 9:34 am

"Some guy named Ayman al Zawahiri! That’s a tough one to pronounce…"

Is it tougher than NOT saying Obama has been killed? Shit, I'm trying to just say bin Laden…

Texan_Bulldog May 4, 2011 at 9:35 am

RE: America's next bogeyman. I eagerly await Snowbilly trying to pronounce Ayman al Zawahiri in the debates. I imagine she'll just call him 'that mean man over there'.

James Michael Curley May 4, 2011 at 9:37 am

As fair Sarah ages, she'll shorten it like her mentor Juan McCain to "that one".

trampndirtdown May 4, 2011 at 9:41 am

Can I call ya al?

CapeClod May 4, 2011 at 10:15 am

I'm sure she will pronounce it "A Man El Zorro."

bagofmice May 4, 2011 at 10:30 am

That'll leave a mark.

CapeClod May 4, 2011 at 9:36 am

If we are only releasing the pictures to appease the idiots and the psychos, then no, don't release them because they won't believe it anyway. The whole birth certificate thing should have taught them that.

freakishlywrong May 4, 2011 at 9:45 am

But..but…BOTH sides are irrational, insane fearmongers!

ttommyunger May 4, 2011 at 9:40 am

Civilians really have no idea how jaded one can become in certain working/living environments (Being kind, and being a victim myself in times past, I want to think it is a coping mechanism). The look on this girl's face should give a clue. Sorry for the lack of snark, this is just fucking sad.

riverside68 May 4, 2011 at 10:03 am

Way too much reality there Ttommy. Lighten up and start drinking to forget.

(I did tell Riley that it wasn't funny and he shouldn't post that shit before drinking time.)

freakishlywrong May 4, 2011 at 10:11 am

It's 2:30 somewhere, Riverside. It's gross if you're drunk as well.

bagofmice May 4, 2011 at 10:32 am

Cheers to that.

ttommyunger May 4, 2011 at 10:58 am

Sadly, my drinking days are all behind me. I'm woefully uninformed to start drugs at this stage of my life; I'd prolly pay good money for Baby Powder and wind up marking my territory everywhere I went with little white puffs (Old men fart a lot). Alas, I am stuck with reality, so maybe I should just shut the fuck up more.

riverside68 May 4, 2011 at 11:29 am

Old farts are the best kind. They give great nose: oakey, some green grass, is that spinach? definitely robust, great legs, full rear end, big bust . . .
What were we talking about?

ttommyunger May 4, 2011 at 11:53 am

Beats me!

baconzgood May 4, 2011 at 9:45 am

Japanese children=German nuclear workers.

baconzgood May 4, 2011 at 9:46 am

"America’s next Top Bogeyman" I smell a new show on E!

donner_froh May 4, 2011 at 9:48 am

Who will be America’s next Top Bogeyman

The next general manager of the New York Mets.

BZ1 May 4, 2011 at 9:49 am

with the bonus of being able to light up at night….

Oblios_Cap May 4, 2011 at 9:51 am

Ha-ha, what Koran? We flushed that piece of garbage down the toilet years ago.

You weren't supposed to let that slip, Wags. Now the Muslins won't like us anymore.

Chet Kincaid May 4, 2011 at 9:54 am

Slightly OT, but Christiane Amanpour called OBL's hiding place in 2008 on Bill Maher's show:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/05/03/christia

Mumbletypeg May 4, 2011 at 10:11 am

JEebus. How much do people get paid to sift through archived footage with the instructions "…So if Osama's name comes up, bank it, cache it, let's see if we can make hay with it." It sounds like one of the kinds of jobs still un-replaceable by computer'bot's as of now, and yet still maintains America's high standards of sedentary paralysis. (Q: "Will this job make my ass look flat?" A: "YES.")

bagofmice May 4, 2011 at 10:44 am

The author of the piece is Jason Linkins. He gets paid to watch all of the Sunday shows and mock them as needed. Thankfully.

Mumbletypeg May 4, 2011 at 9:55 am

The Gary Oldman/ Mickey Rourke/ whichever-Barfly photo redux, wtf? Even the alt-text's the same as yesterday's. Also too, I heard this same Japan schoolchildren thing on Tuesday's Democracy Now broadcast before it became today's meme. Riley: haven't we enough drama available to kick around without regurgitating yesterday's gristle?

prommie May 4, 2011 at 10:10 am

Sounds like a case of misdirected animosity.

Mumbletypeg May 4, 2011 at 10:33 am

No animosity intended. Actually, I'm finding myself a little cranky this morning that I can't get teh stoopid out of my avatard. Gratavar.com lets me in to re-select my original Ayndroid sans Eddie Munster, nonetheless it appears I'm forever to have Paul "Now watch this Drivel " Ryan stuck in my craw.

crybabyboehner May 4, 2011 at 9:58 am

Orientals sure do spoil their children.

prommie May 4, 2011 at 10:10 am

Orientals, I like that, thats funny, orientals.

crybabyboehner May 4, 2011 at 10:33 am

thanks, i needed it for the iambic pentameter

crybabyboehner May 4, 2011 at 10:37 am

ok, trochaic, not iambic

DahBoner May 4, 2011 at 12:42 pm

I loves the Oriental mix with those little rice crackers covered with seaweed..

V572..whatever May 4, 2011 at 10:03 am

Barb is missing in action this morning? That can't be a good sign…

freakishlywrong May 4, 2011 at 10:10 am

..can't comment, must fist.

bagofmice May 4, 2011 at 10:10 am

You don't find Alma. Alma finds you.

El Pinche May 4, 2011 at 10:15 am

And the new bogey man isn't Cheney? Here are some points for your reading pleasure:

1) Masterminded the destruction of Constitutional rights and general destruction of the USA 2001-2009

2) Has a god damn man-sized safe

3) Doesn't die. His heart has exploded 20 times (that's 19 shitty sequels)

4) Has spin-off hell spawns like Liz Cheney (e.g. Bride of Chucky, joanie loves chachi)

V572..whatever May 4, 2011 at 10:19 am

5) As veep and President of the Senate, brought a new level of incivility. Saying "Go fuck yourself" to Leahy was another way of saying, "Congress is a powerless rubber-stamp mechanism for feeding money to my War Machine."

El Pinche May 4, 2011 at 1:24 pm

Yep, creepy one-liners like Freddy Krueger. It's very clear that we need to send some SEALS to Cheney's compound ASAP.

Gold_ManSacks May 4, 2011 at 10:25 am

Radioactive fruits and vegetables, have these people never seen Attack of the Killer Tomatoes?

Also, ska still exists? You east coasters confuse me.

bagofmice May 4, 2011 at 10:49 am

Not to toot my own horn…

Gold_ManSacks May 4, 2011 at 3:12 pm

I don't get it. Did you write Attack of the Killer Tomatoes? Are you in an east coast ska band? Is that band called Attack of the Killer Tomatoes or some skaish play on the above, Attack of the Killer Skamatoes or some such?

mumbly_joe May 4, 2011 at 10:28 am

Who will be America’s next Top Bogeyman, now that the world’s most evil human is dead (assassinated and tossed off a boat, for Freedom)? Some guy named Ayman al Zawahiri! That’s a tough one to pronounce! Here, let us help you: Bo-Oh-bam-ah

FTFY!

NOBOBAMA

emmelemm May 4, 2011 at 10:33 am

Agreed.

WhatTheHolyHeck May 4, 2011 at 10:33 am

Fuck radioactive school children, we got those motherfuckers at Sony to bow in apology over the PSN breach.

bagofmice May 4, 2011 at 10:50 am

It only does 80710A06.

Hatrabbit May 4, 2011 at 10:41 am

Yelling out of window at the kids: "Hey you two, come inside and stop playing with my nuclear waste collection!"

Goes back to drinking beer. … mmm breakfast.

BarackMyWorld May 4, 2011 at 10:43 am

I'm guessing someone in Japan thinks the extra dose of radiation will give their kids mutant powers to better compete with the rest of the world with. Assuming they're as ignorant about science as Americans are, which they're probably not so nevermind!

flamingpdog May 4, 2011 at 11:34 am

Will pre-pubescent Japanese girls panties in vending machines come in lead-lined packages now?

proudgrampa May 4, 2011 at 11:45 am

Let's face it. Japan is toast.

zappadoo76 May 4, 2011 at 12:37 pm

What a wonderful way to get rid of radiation poisoning: define it out of existence.

DahBoner May 4, 2011 at 12:40 pm

"Ayman al Zawahiri"

Mmmmm! I love Gummy Skulls!

But they stick to my teeth….

real_dc_native May 4, 2011 at 12:43 pm

I vote for Dick Cheney to be America's next Bogey Man. For a while he was the most dangerous man on earth.

MiniMencken May 4, 2011 at 1:36 pm

At least radioactive children are some kind of active. Not like the couch potatoes lumbering around the halls of our public schools.

prommie May 4, 2011 at 3:50 pm

You guys are so inscrutable. Like the heathen chinee.

fuflans May 4, 2011 at 4:23 pm

sounds like wonkette's going to be jihad'd again.

ShaveTheWhales May 6, 2011 at 8:55 pm

Been gone for a few days, so just catching up. On the matter of glowing Japanese schoolchildren, a few remarks:

1. It is true that there is no safe dose of radiation, in the sense that there is no cut-off or threshold for long-term medical effects (cancer, mostly). The dose accumulated over your life is related to your probability of developing cancer.

2. However, it is also true that it is impossible to go through life with zero exposure to radiation. And, it is true that there are many other known environmental factors that raise the probability of developing a cancer, as well as a baseline probability for which there is, as yet, no known specific cause(s). Therefore, setting exposure limits for radiation (and any other environmental influence) is inevitably a question of cost versus benefit, where the benefit has to be estimated as a change in probability of incurring harm.

3. Everything I've read on the subject indicates that 20 mSv per year, continued for many years, probably does cause a statistically significant increase in one's probability of developing cancer during one's lifetime. It is pretty crucial to remember, however, that "statistically significant" doesn't necessarily mean "large". ( A recent Wonkette example — the response rate of state legislators to identical inquires from "Jake" and "DeShawn". The difference was clearly significant, i.e., almost certainly real, and not just an artifact of the data), but it was the difference between 60% and 55%). I believe that the increase in cancer probability for a long-term dose of 20 mSv/yr is less than 5%. That is, without the ongoing dose, you probably have a lifetime probability of cancer of, say, 30%. With the ongoing dose, your lifetime probability would increase something less than 31.5%. BTW, I am not arguing that this is a trivial matter — just that it is far removed from glowing in the dark.

4. By the way, the previous limit of 1 MSv/yr was probably a fiction. The average background radiation in Japan is something like 2-3 mSv/yr. I guess you could get the average school contribution down below 1 by calculating hours, but I bet you there wasn't a lot of actual data taken at actual schools.

5. It's hardly surprising that most schools in the area are over 1 mSv/yr. They were probably just under that limit before the disaster. OTOH, 20 mSv is five or six chest X-Rays or mammograms, or about one CT scan. Per year, that seems like quite a bit too much for schoolkids, particularly if continued over several years.

My guess is that the actual measurements at schools have been a few mSv/yr, which would not really be cause for concern. What would worry me the most is the possibility that the authorities picked 20 as the limit because it was well above any actual measurements. Although this would appear to be good news — since the average real dose exposure would be much less than the limit — I'd worry that it indicates a lack of intent to actually make continuing measurements.

Fuck, I need to drink something. I'm much too serious. Later.

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