Japan Says It’s Okay For Children To Be Exposed To Lots Of Radiation

  it's morning in america

...in accordance with Islamic practice and tradition.

  • Good morning, miserable jingoes! Here is your dumb news: The Japanese government has made a few small changes to “nuclear safety standards in schools.” Japanese schoolchildren can now be exposed to twenty times more radiation than was previously allowed! Parents are “furious” for some reason, and have “delivered a bag of radioactive playground earth to education officials in protest.” (Radioactive Playground Earth. That will be the name of our next ska band.) Anyway! Japanese children can now be exposed to twenty millisieverts a year, which is “equivalent to the annual maximum dose for German nuclear workers,” according to this news article. (Oh, crap.) The EPA has already decided that Americans can eat radioactive fruits and vegetables, so we’re not far behind. [The Guardian]
  • Who will be America’s next Top Bogeyman, now that the world’s most evil human is dead (assassinated and tossed off a boat, for Freedom)? Some guy named Ayman al Zawahiri! That’s a tough one to pronounce! Here, let us help you: Bo-gey-man. [McClatchy]
  • Apparently Barack Obama is too chickenshit to release one more photo of a dead Muslim. Why is this? Taking pictures of dead Muslims and then posting them on the Internet is America’s favorite hobby! Oh well. Introducing: Dead Muslim Foto Time/Justice! Each morning we will post a random Dead Muslim Foto that we find on Google Images, until America experiences the Dead Muslim Closure that it deserves and so desperately needs. Here is today’s Foto!

    Yay!
    We forgot to dump this one into the ocean, like it says in the Koran. (Ha-ha, what Koran? We flushed that piece of garbage down the toilet years ago.)

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About the author

Riley is an "internet blogger." He has written for such internet websites as True/Slant and the terrible Brangelina gossip emporium "The Huffington Post." Riley lives in northeast DC, near H Street. Maybe you do too and want to hang out?

View all articles by Riley Waggaman