STANDING HIS PLAGIARIST GROUND  4:20 pm May 3, 2011

Chuck Norris Puts Out New Column; It Plagiarizes His Old Column

by Jack Stuef

Not backing down until he has to plagiarize this very blog about him plagiarizing stuff.Chuck Norris has apparently weathered the revelation that his lazy conservative column is strung together by his “pastor” from a series of plagiarized passages of other people’s writing. That’s not surprising; it’s not like the kind of places his op-eds are syndicated care about truth or intellectual honesty or anything like that. But you’d at least expect him to be a little more careful about plagiarism. Not so! In fact, the kicking legend has gotten even more brazen! For his first column after the plagiarism revelation, Norris (/the pastor guy) lifts a whole section out of one of his own previous Chuck Norris columns.

Compare this from Norris’ May 3, 2011 column:

in February 2010, President Obama also appointed Rashad Hussain to serve as his special envoy to the Organization of the Islamic Conference, or OIC, an inter-governmental body of 56 Muslim countries, which also forms an official body represented in the United Nations. (Where is the same treatment from this White House for countries that uphold Judeo-Christian values to unite and have the same treatment that allows them to form an official body represented in the U.N.? Or any other religion for that matter? There’s something rotten in the state of Denmark!)

With this from Norris’ August 17, 2010 column:

in February, President Obama appointed Rashad Hussain to serve as his special envoy to the Organization of the Islamic Conference, an intergovernmental body of 56 Muslim countries, which also forms an official body represented in the United Nations. (Where is the same treatment from this White House for countries that uphold Judeo-Christian religions and values? Or any other religion?)

Yes, there is something rotten in the state of Denmark: plagiarism. And a paucity of action movies made by bearded men, probably. Denmark is for pussies.

This is all like splicing together an informercial for the Roomba, old Walker, Texas Ranger clips, and a speech delivered by Clint Eastwood at the Academy Awards, and releasing it on DVD as “Chuck Norris Presents Dirty Harry: Space Cop.” We assume that is what Norris will do next, actually.

There you are: finally, a post this week that is not about Osama bin Laden! But Norris will probably plagiarize one of that guy’s cave speeches soon, so hang tight.

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 187 comments }

MittsHairHelmet May 3, 2011 at 4:22 pm

Chuck Norris is the smartest man on earth, therefore the only person he plagiarizes is Chuck Norris.

Sophist [غني عن ذلك] May 3, 2011 at 4:33 pm

It's like in Back to the Future, where Chuck Berry invented rock and roll by listening to Michael J. Fox play a Chuck Berry song. Only horrible (and, surprisingly, less racist).

nounverb911 May 3, 2011 at 4:23 pm

Chuck doesn't "cut and run", he just "cuts and pastes".

ManchuCandidate May 3, 2011 at 4:23 pm

It's a whole new level of fun for the whole fambly… Mad Chucks*

*formerly known as Mad Libs because of the Libs part.

Tundra Grifter May 3, 2011 at 7:48 pm

I'd prefer Non-Chucks.

Tundra Grifter May 3, 2011 at 8:47 pm

A flurry of downfisting! Today we are all Jessica Cutler.

evan7257 May 3, 2011 at 4:23 pm

So he just did what Maureen Dowd does?

edgydrifter May 3, 2011 at 4:24 pm

At times like this, Chuck Norris is reminded of something Chuck Norris is famous for saying: "Don't retreat–reload!"

jus_wonderin May 3, 2011 at 4:24 pm

WORDS!

petehammer May 3, 2011 at 4:31 pm

How do they work?

DaRooster May 3, 2011 at 4:44 pm

Like… hammers?

riverside68 May 3, 2011 at 4:36 pm

WHAT ARE THEY GOOD FOR?

jus_wonderin May 3, 2011 at 4:39 pm

Absolutely nothing!!

bumfug May 3, 2011 at 4:43 pm

Say it again!

neiltheblaze May 3, 2011 at 4:46 pm

WORDS! (HUH! Good god, y'all)

fuflans May 3, 2011 at 5:37 pm

i was at a commercial audition a while back. across the hall, 'beautiful girl' auditions for a hair care product were being held. one of the many lanky beauties (a slavic looking brunette with razor like cheekbones) approached the audition monitor with trepidation. holding out her headshot, she asked in a trembling voice "are there, you know, words? i hope they don't have words. words are hard."

i didn't get that gig.

Mahousu May 3, 2011 at 5:55 pm

Admit it – you hated her because she was beautiful.

keepem_sikanpor May 3, 2011 at 8:06 pm

I suck at words. Never played scrabble growing up.

emmelemm May 3, 2011 at 8:09 pm

Words are meaningless, and forgettable.

PuckStopsHere May 4, 2011 at 2:17 am

But are they fungible?

$exy$murf May 3, 2011 at 4:25 pm

I would pay good money to see Chuckles do Hamlet.

nounverb911 May 3, 2011 at 4:28 pm

No!

BaldarTFlagass May 3, 2011 at 4:29 pm

Well, that quote is as close as he'll ever get to Shakespeare.

ManchuCandidate May 3, 2011 at 4:30 pm

Or A Tale of Two Cities…

"It was the best of times it was the blurst of times…"

Rosie_Scenario May 3, 2011 at 4:31 pm

And then something will truly be rotten in the state of Denmark.

bflrtsplk May 3, 2011 at 4:58 pm

To be or not to be Chuck Norris. Who wants to know?

genxr May 3, 2011 at 5:09 pm

His columns are a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and furries, plagiarizing everything.

Not_So_Much May 3, 2011 at 6:17 pm

By "do Hamlet", you mean manly, macho buttsex and not acting with pussified words, right?

Dudleydidwrong May 3, 2011 at 6:53 pm

Now is this asshole of our discontent
Made absolute garbage by this son-of-a-bitch…

PuckStopsHere May 4, 2011 at 2:15 am

The Bard revolves, quickly, in his grave.

Sophist [غني عن ذلك] May 3, 2011 at 4:25 pm

Hey, at least the column's made of words he actually typed at some point. That counts as progress, right?

WriteyWriterton May 3, 2011 at 4:52 pm

You think he, the Kickster, actually typed any of them? I'm sure he has acolytes (or is it "electrolytes"? "night lights"?) who typed them for him.

genxr May 3, 2011 at 5:10 pm

He roundhouse kicks words into… oh forget it.

Bonzos_Bed_Time May 3, 2011 at 4:25 pm

Pray for auto-plagiarizer asphyxiation.

102415 May 3, 2011 at 4:49 pm

What makes you think he can type?

walstib May 3, 2011 at 4:25 pm

To cite or not to cite…

Or

Chuck Sux

mull_man May 3, 2011 at 4:26 pm

[ctrl] c
[ctrl] v

And that concludes another day's work for Walker, Texas Copier

CapnFatback May 3, 2011 at 6:23 pm

I'm gonna go ahead and cite my damn self from a previous thread, as I posted several hours later:

"Walker, Text No-Changer."

See how easy that was, Chucky?

WhatTheHolyHeck May 3, 2011 at 4:26 pm

John Williams does this all the time and gets Oscars for it. Fair is fair.

WhatTheHolyHeck May 3, 2011 at 4:39 pm

Seriously, downfistie?

You need a hobby. I recommend auto-scrotal stapling.

DaRooster May 3, 2011 at 5:09 pm

They can't read… their moms log 'em on and say,"Click the little down-thumby thing."

(edit… Oh, you got me *gasp*… oh and FUCK OFF!!)

V572..whatever May 3, 2011 at 5:17 pm

You mean Wms claims to have written more than one piece? I thought they just played the "Stars Wars" theme over and over again, sometimes in 3/4-time, sometimes slowly, sometimes presto allegretto.

WhatTheHolyHeck May 3, 2011 at 5:43 pm

Sometimes he gets all tricksy and flips it into inverted retrograde. That's how you turn Superman into ET.

EdFlintstone May 3, 2011 at 4:26 pm

What do you exepct from somebody who made Missing in Action I, II, and III? Which were ripoffs of the crappy Rambo movies. Unoriginality is Chuck's forte.

anniegetyerfun May 3, 2011 at 5:05 pm

True story: I dated a horrible man a few years ago who was offered a bit-part in a Chuck Norris movie that was being filmed somewhere in Seattle. The role was something like "Minority #3" or "Non-white Guy #2" or something. He showed me the script, and I was, like, "You're Asian, so, they probably kill you off in scene 3."

I was wrong – Scene 2.

BaldarTFlagass May 3, 2011 at 4:29 pm

Chuck missed all that brouhaha, as he's been out of circulation, leading that SEAL team in Abadabadubad and killing OBL and all.

ManchuCandidate May 3, 2011 at 4:31 pm

His "unit" was Delta Force, not Team Six.

BaldarTFlagass May 3, 2011 at 4:32 pm

Chuck can serve in any branch he wants, any time he wants. And he doesn't have to wear a military haircut, either.

WriteyWriterton May 3, 2011 at 5:00 pm

I see what you did there, with the "Flintstones" reference. Nice.

bitchincamaro2 May 3, 2011 at 4:29 pm

C'mon Jack. He's a champion face-kicker, not a champion original thinker.

SayItWithWookies May 3, 2011 at 4:31 pm

He's not plagiarizing himself — he's amortizing his wordcount.

metamarcisf May 3, 2011 at 4:33 pm

Chuck would've taken him alive by boring him with another Jesus speech.

DaRooster May 3, 2011 at 5:18 pm

OT- Meta, I have no idea how you go to that fucking Breitbart site…
Them people need their faces smashed… but I guess the brain-deads wouldn't feel it.
Kudos to you.

mrblifil May 3, 2011 at 4:35 pm

More and more the timeline is raising the question of why, if Chuck Norris was to prevent plagiarism, it seemed to happen mainly during the period when his pastor was looking for what was essentially political information to justify the invasion of Iraq.

Hatrabbit May 3, 2011 at 4:36 pm

It's not like people reading his shit are, well, readers.

neiltheblaze May 3, 2011 at 4:36 pm

Is it really plagiarism if the voices in his head keep repeating the same shit over and over and over until he's ready to smash a door down with his forehead?

Doktor Zoom May 3, 2011 at 5:31 pm

By that standard, lots of columnists would be out of jerbs.

DrunkIrishman May 3, 2011 at 4:37 pm

Walker, Texas Plagiar

riverside68 May 3, 2011 at 4:39 pm

Too much Chuck!

Like a client once said to me: "Stop yelling at me, you know I'm a junkie."

JoshuaNorton May 3, 2011 at 4:39 pm

Did he get to the part where he writes:

“And then Katherine Lopez and Ross Douthat, grabbed the tub of ‘I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter’ and joined in.”

Worst letter to Penthouse ever.

ManchuCandidate May 3, 2011 at 4:47 pm

I just vomited reading your comment. Thanks.

neiltheblaze May 3, 2011 at 4:50 pm

Those two really should get married and procreate just so we could see them have a gaggle of Neanderthal-browed uber-tards.

poncho_pilot May 3, 2011 at 6:22 pm

it would make casting for the Hobbit a cinch.

jus_wonderin May 3, 2011 at 4:54 pm

Or…"His manly forearms pulled me to his heaving chest and we fell to the ground with haste…………………"

Dudleydidwrong May 3, 2011 at 5:19 pm

"…with haste." Ah, a threesome. Kinky, kinky.

mourningnmerica May 3, 2011 at 9:25 pm

No it wasn't. I read the Penthouse Forum in the '70s. Xaviera Hollander said that she had sex with an amputee who stump-fucked her with his what was left of his leg. She said it was "sexy". So there's that. Those of you who read Penthouse in the 70's know I'm not making this shit up.

Monsieur_Grumpe May 3, 2011 at 4:41 pm

I think he’s doing pretty good with a vocabulary of 24 words.

genxr May 3, 2011 at 5:18 pm

*kick* 23… *kick* 22.. *kick* 21…

Pragmatist2 May 3, 2011 at 4:42 pm

Plagiarizing your old columns is not only more honest than plagiarizing from someone else, it is also remarkably efficient.

WriteyWriterton May 3, 2011 at 4:57 pm

Plus, you avoid all the copyright-infringement issues. (And I pronounced "issues" just then with a sibilant "s" sound, for our dear LimeyLizzie. Is there an Anglophiles Anonymous meeting I can attend somewhere?)

ManchuCandidate May 3, 2011 at 4:43 pm

it is a far, far better asskicking that I do to you than I have ever known.'

RadioGroundZero May 3, 2011 at 4:44 pm

He's so good at karate (or whatever) he can kick himself in the head, and he obviously has done so repeatedly.

CrunchyKnee May 3, 2011 at 4:44 pm

HAHA, Chuck Norris sucks.

donner_froh May 3, 2011 at 4:45 pm

It's almost as if I read this entire post including all the comments (except this one) on Wonkette just last week.

jus_wonderin May 3, 2011 at 4:55 pm

Time Loop, if I ever saw one.

Tundra Grifter May 3, 2011 at 7:51 pm

It's almost as if I read this entire post including all the comments (except this one) on Wonkette just last week.

gef05 May 3, 2011 at 8:26 pm

Everyone is too distracted by this Friday's royal wedding to bother writing anything new.

mumbly_joe May 3, 2011 at 9:23 pm

I don't know whether to protest my innocence, or to refuse to respond at all and meet your queries with stony silence, lest I lose my sweet copypasta gig.

So, I'll settle for admitting that my pastor actually wrote this comment, and then keep posting like there was never any issue.

Doktor Zoom May 3, 2011 at 4:48 pm

I wasn't sure I believed Norris was plagiarizing, but then he told Obama to get himself to a nunnery and stabbed Joe Biden through the arras.

WriteyWriterton May 3, 2011 at 4:58 pm

Right after he shouted, "Lay on, McDuff!"

genxr May 3, 2011 at 5:19 pm

That fucking crime dog is involved too? Gah, these people!

WriteyWriterton May 3, 2011 at 5:24 pm

You're surprised? (Nice mash-up.)

V572..whatever May 3, 2011 at 5:20 pm

Lady Macbeth: "But screw your courage to the sticking place, and we'll not fail!"
Prince Chuck: "Whuh?"

WriteyWriterton May 3, 2011 at 5:25 pm

Lady M: Is this a dagger I see before me?

Prince Chuck: Let me kick it from your hand.

Doktor Zoom May 3, 2011 at 5:30 pm

In Chuck's version of "King Lear," most of the action centers around blinding Gloucester. Then everybody else.

mumbly_joe May 3, 2011 at 4:50 pm

A good friend of mine failed a class and had to delay graduation from college by a year, because she failed to cite herself in her thesis. Note that in this case, "failed to cite" actually means she was consciously referencing some earlier writing and missed a citation, but the professor and college opted to make an example of what was actually, literally, a relatively simple error. Needless to say, repeating the thesis course cost her an additional several thousand dollars, not to mention the opportunity costs of remaining a "student" for an additional year, for no reason.

Meanwhile, Chuck Norris and/or his "pastor" continue to collect paychecks for "their" work.

WriteyWriterton May 3, 2011 at 5:03 pm

I'm guessing her "University"/"College"/Diploma-Mill had cash-flow problems.

mumbly_joe May 3, 2011 at 5:12 pm

Meh, it was the same one I went to, and one of the better small liberal arts schools in the country- the whole fiasco was definitely more with the example-making than pumping their students for cash- they announced the same year that they were increasing scholarship to cover any expected loan obligations because of the Student Loan Superdickery Scandal that broke right about then.

It was still a completely dick move, of course.

WriteyWriterton May 3, 2011 at 5:13 pm

That it was.

Chillwaver May 3, 2011 at 4:50 pm

"Where is the same treatment from this White House for countries that uphold Judeo-Christian religions and values?"

Interesting…I always thought Chuck embraced Judo-Christian values, not "Judeo-Christian."

zhubajie May 4, 2011 at 5:07 am

Does he really have any use for the Judeo stuff? It's pretty much like the Islamic stuff.

DangerHelvetica May 3, 2011 at 4:50 pm

You can't plagiarize yourself! At least that's what I told my college disciplinary board before I got expelled.

anniegetyerfun May 3, 2011 at 5:02 pm

I handed in the same paper once for two classes. No one was the wiser. Especially me, because I didn't learn anything new.

HistoriCat May 3, 2011 at 10:50 pm

That's not plagiarism – that's republishing.

Gold_ManSacks May 3, 2011 at 4:53 pm

I guess Johnny Roundhouse never heard of Miguel Diaz.

Mort_Sinclair May 3, 2011 at 4:55 pm

Clearly Upchuck Norris isn't plagiarizing, he's looping. You see, he's like a gifted musician, creating a symphony of sorts, in which he simply embellishes and amplifies his original set of (plagiarized) words. You people just don't appreciate culture.

WriteyWriterton May 3, 2011 at 5:02 pm

The John Cage of brainless right-wing calumny, as it were.

Doktor Zoom May 3, 2011 at 5:24 pm

I'm looking forward to Chuck's version of 4'33"

mumbly_joe May 3, 2011 at 5:38 pm

And when he plagarizes other people's writing… well, you call it plagarism, but Chuck Norris calls it "sampling".

Fare la Volpe May 3, 2011 at 4:59 pm

Eh, I always preferred Cynthia Rothrock anyway. At least she never stole moves from other martial artists.

anniegetyerfun May 3, 2011 at 5:01 pm

Hey, if you give yourself permission to do it, it's perfectly legal. That's why I feel entitled to masturbate on my front lawn. It's MY LAWN and I say it's OK.

neiltheblaze May 3, 2011 at 5:06 pm

And if there's film, it's potentially lucrative.

kittenbomb May 3, 2011 at 5:21 pm

In some parts of the South, it's actually REQUIRED.

yyyaz May 3, 2011 at 7:31 pm

Ummm…do I really want to know why?

BaldarTFlagass May 3, 2011 at 5:24 pm

Address?

Worthly[♬♪♬♪♫♪♬]Skum May 3, 2011 at 5:40 pm

USA! USA! USA!

riverside68 May 3, 2011 at 6:42 pm

Is there anything in particular you look at, or think about, while on your front lawn?

Just curious . . .

anniegetyerfun May 3, 2011 at 6:49 pm

Tucker Carlson, mostly.

Chillwaver May 3, 2011 at 5:01 pm

There's only one reason why Chuck can get away with this shit: people who read his column probably can't remember what they read 2 days ago.

Tundra Grifter May 3, 2011 at 6:45 pm

Including, apparently, Chuck Norris.

Fare la Volpe May 3, 2011 at 5:04 pm

Ooh, Downfisty doesn't like it when we insult his fantasy man action movie hero.

mumbly_joe May 3, 2011 at 9:20 pm

Hey, leave Jeebus and/or Cheney/Trig out of this!

timbo71351 May 3, 2011 at 5:06 pm

No offense, but I think this is the only place where people actually care that Chuck Norris (or his ghostwriter) is a plagiarist. Are there any actual real newspapers that run his column, or does it just run on bottom level wingnut sites?

WriteyWriterton May 3, 2011 at 5:22 pm

We don't really "care." We see a large and convenient target, and we blast away. This ain't one a yer subtle-y/nuance-y hoity-toity joints, y'know? So back off, or I'll scar you with this longneck whence I'm guzzling Der Fuehrer der Beers.

bureaucrap May 3, 2011 at 5:06 pm

To be fair, Mozart, Haydn, Vivaldi and Bach often "recycled" their pieces, rewriting them for different groups of instruments for different occasions. The difference is, of course, that they were great composers, whereas Chuck Norris is in musclehead moron who has to hire someone to do his ghost-plagiarizing for him.

anniegetyerfun May 3, 2011 at 5:06 pm

Where is the same treatment from this White House for countries that uphold Judeo-Christian values to unite and have the same treatment that allows them to form an official body represented in the U.N.?

Yes, where is that… treatment? Sorry, what the fuck does that even say?

SaintRond May 3, 2011 at 5:07 pm

Hey, you ignorant fuckwad – the Vatican is represented at the UN too, all right?

And for you, plagiarizing your own shit is like eating your own shit.

mumbly_joe May 3, 2011 at 5:41 pm

Oh, come on, we all know that those dirty Papists don't really count. Next you'll be saying that Israel counts, as though "Judeo-Christian" actually means the Jews, really.

But, yeah, speaking of which, remember when someone tried to argue that the Pope was unprosecutable for his work in his previous posoition, obstructing justice on the matter matter of the Church's little (big) childrape problem, because Sovereign Immunity? Yeah, good times.

zhubajie May 4, 2011 at 5:09 am

His sort of brand-x Prot thinks Catholics are not real Christians.

donner_froh May 3, 2011 at 5:12 pm

Judeo-Christian religions and value

Judo-Kickin' religions and values?

mumbly_joe May 3, 2011 at 5:34 pm

Judo is actually predominantly a grappling and throwing discipline that was actually developed as a discipline accessible to all levels of raw power, unlike jujitsu, and thus, and while some striking techniques and weapons use is incorporated in various katas, they are actually prohibited in sparring and competitions.

The uptick is, there is no such thing as judo-kickin'. Or, for that matter, a Judo Chop!

DashboardBuddha May 3, 2011 at 5:13 pm

They say that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result. What we have here is proof that Chuck is crazier than a shithouse rat.

undeterredbyreality May 3, 2011 at 5:20 pm

Those judo-christines can't buy a break!

Doktor Zoom May 3, 2011 at 5:22 pm

I'm going to wait until someone reposts a funny comment and then recopy it and repost it myself.

RadioGroundZero May 3, 2011 at 8:08 pm

I'm going to wait until someone reposts a funny comment and then recopy it and repost it myself.

user-of-owls May 3, 2011 at 9:46 pm

I'm going to wait until someone reposts a funny comment and then recopy it and repost it myself.

smokefilledroommate May 3, 2011 at 10:38 pm

I'm going to wait until someone reposts a funny comment and then recopy it and repost it myself. It was much better than Cats. I'm going to post it again and again. Btw, I need some owl therapy, I think you both can help.

genxr May 3, 2011 at 5:22 pm

Helpful hint for you, Chuck: This is the interwebs. For your next column, you can just hyperlink back to your last column.

Worthly[♬♪♬♪♫♪♬]Skum May 3, 2011 at 5:34 pm

it’s not like the kind of places his op-eds are syndicated care about truth or intellectual honesty

Chuck Norris is not afraid of the truth. The truth is afraid of Chuck Norris.

WriteyWriterton May 3, 2011 at 5:41 pm

The truth can't handle Chuck Norris.

MadBrahms May 4, 2011 at 1:25 pm

The truth *should* be afraid, the way he abuses it.

102415 May 3, 2011 at 5:39 pm

It's worth a short visit to DFland also known as The Saddest Place On Earth to see the whole clown car at work. Actually it's best for an elite few to go and bring back a bon mot or two and the rest of you can up fist your dear ones here at home if you can. Meanwhile I'm going to see Cave of Forgotten Dreams in 3D. I'm really happy today. Just watching them fuck this all up is so soothing.

Doktor Zoom May 3, 2011 at 5:43 pm

OMG!!! Totally OT, but I am nerding out–NPR just played most all of the old goofy synthesizer arrangement of the "All Things Considered" theme. I am flashing back to high school, kids.

Edit: Aha– 40th anniversary of the program. According to Robert Seigel, the tones at the start of the theme are "the dinks," and when you hear 'em, you damn well better have your copy ready to read.

jus_wonderin May 3, 2011 at 5:51 pm

Dang. I am listening but didn't hear that. We are fund raising though so maybe that is why.

RadioGroundZero May 3, 2011 at 8:49 pm

These evil, dumb Libs have ruined this country by indoctrinating feeble young minds — all the while under the mesmerizing spell of that Stalin March Music.
♫ ♬ Dah dah dah dah, dah dah dah ♫ ♬

smokefilledroommate May 3, 2011 at 9:02 pm

Sounds Moogy! I appreciate your nerdity.

OneDollarJuana May 3, 2011 at 5:47 pm

Wait a minute. Let's give Chuckie a break. After all, it's clear that Chuck's "pastor" is "writing" these columns. How do we even know Chuck Norris is involved?

Doktor Zoom May 3, 2011 at 5:58 pm

They've got all of the various variations on the themes at http://www.npr.org/programs/asc/features/atc_them… , which I hadn't actually looked at afore.

undeterredbyreality May 3, 2011 at 6:22 pm

Meet the new text;
Same as the old text.

SmutBoffin May 3, 2011 at 6:22 pm

WHITE HOUSE TO RELEASE HOTT OSAMA DETH PICS

BLINGEE CONTEST TO FOLLOW?

Redhead May 3, 2011 at 6:25 pm

Wonkette editors: did you steal this headline from Wonketteer comments on your previous Chuck Norris post, or from the Onion?

Tundra Grifter May 3, 2011 at 7:53 pm

Wonketteer? Do I get a beannie with big black ears?

Doktor Zoom May 4, 2011 at 2:06 am

Nope, you get a beanie shaped like a butt, with a dildo sticking out of it.

Redhead May 4, 2011 at 8:07 am

And black plastic-frame glasses with a fake wig attached – the sexy Wonkette girl version of those cheap glasses with the nose.

carlgt1 May 3, 2011 at 6:33 pm

Chuck Norris has been marginalized….

poncho_pilot May 3, 2011 at 6:34 pm

lol. poor, under represented Christians. stfu, Chuck "Pastor is my co-pilot" Norris.
http://www.wcc-coe.org/wcc/what/international/wcc

iburl May 3, 2011 at 6:40 pm

He stole from Shakespeare ("…something rotten in the state of Denmark") and stuck it on the end of his own stuff. If that's not creative writing, I don't know what creative writing is and Chuck Norris is a tool. (P.S. I don't know what creative writing is.)

AJW@[redacted] May 3, 2011 at 8:32 pm

But in chuckle's mind, Denmark is a "state" like Hawaii is a "state".

SheriffRoscoe May 3, 2011 at 6:44 pm

The version he wrote more recently is longer and wordier than the original one. I thought the name of the game was to go back and take out all the extra, unnecessary words when plagiarizing oneself. Oh wait, that's called 'editing.' Plagiarizing is a whole other matter.

Tundra Grifter May 3, 2011 at 6:48 pm

Is plagarizing yourself like dating yourself? Only without the wine and candles and nice dinners, of course.

However, probably just as much raw sex. Doing his own thing, I mean.

Tundra Grifter May 3, 2011 at 8:06 pm

I was downfisted in about ten minutes. That's a record.

Wazz UpChuck?

Guess if you don't write your own columns you wind up with 'waaaaay too much time on your hands.

Among other things…

smokefilledroommate May 3, 2011 at 8:11 pm

Walker, Texas Wanker?

ttommyunger May 3, 2011 at 7:14 pm

Hey, when you get paid by the column inch, whatdafuck?

Tundra Grifter May 3, 2011 at 7:56 pm

Many years ago a pulp writer of the Old School told me that when you're paid by the word "The gun doesn't go 'bang!' It goes 'bang, bang, bang!'"

I've always remembered that. Valuable life advice.

smokefilledroommate May 3, 2011 at 8:13 pm

Beautiful!

ttommyunger May 3, 2011 at 8:39 pm

Funny, but still good advice.

TheGyrus May 3, 2011 at 7:15 pm

Where is the same treatment from this White House for countries that uphold Judeo-Christian values to unite and have the same treatment that allows them to form an official body represented in the U.N.?

4 out of the 5 permanent members of the UN security council being run by Christians isn't good enough for him?

emmelemm May 3, 2011 at 8:11 pm

I dunno, is that 100%? (Never been good at math.)

No? Not 100%? Then no, it's not good enough for Chuck Norris.

DashboardBuddha May 3, 2011 at 7:51 pm

Hey now…don't be dissin' the Chuck…he's an American

Fuck yeah!

smokefilledroommate May 3, 2011 at 8:04 pm

Charles Bronson has a much better column.

keepem_sikanpor May 3, 2011 at 8:10 pm

Same as it never was.

Troubledog May 3, 2011 at 8:16 pm

So every time Bruce Springsteen does Born To Run, he's a plagiarist?

Mahousu May 3, 2011 at 8:48 pm

Are you implying that Chuck Norris doesn't write his columns, he performs them? Wouldn't that make him a performance artist? Well, that and the fact that he types in the nude while covered with chocolate.

smokefilledroommate May 3, 2011 at 8:39 pm

Ya heard? Chuck's new movie– 'Ibid.': You've seen him kick ass. You know damn well he's American simply because he kicks ass. Now Chuck Norris is dealing with his worst enemy ever: plagiarism–a pussy word that has more than two syllables. Two words: Un-American. Don't matter if you don't know what that plagurheesms word means, Chuck's legs'll do the 'splainin..

Tagline: Don't miss Ol' Kicky defend the Bibliography as he gives Muslim nemesis Fancy Al-Footnote a "citation" he'll never forget in Ibid. !

[coming soon to an old fashioned sticky floor theater and card catalog near you]

Mahousu May 3, 2011 at 8:44 pm

Chuck does raise a good point – why do we have an envoy to the Organization of the Islamic Conference, and not one to the Organization of the Judeo-Christian Conference? I mean, aside from the minor detail that the latter doesn't actually exist.

keepem_sikanpor May 3, 2011 at 8:44 pm

SSDD.
Republican talking point memo.

user-of-owls May 3, 2011 at 8:46 pm

Op Cit
Op Cit
Op Cit
Op Cit
Op Cit
Op Cit
Op Cit
*burp*
Op Cit
Op Cit
Op Cit
Op Cit
Op Cit
Op Cit

By Norris, Chuck. Translated (Made Up Entirely) by Pastor, A.

MadBrahms May 4, 2011 at 1:29 pm

This would imply that there was a reference in the footnotes, which are instead filled with insane cackling.

__kth__ May 3, 2011 at 9:17 pm

Hey, being simultaneously banal and crazy isn't as easy as it looks.

BZ1 May 3, 2011 at 9:25 pm

I'm not even sure this is plagiarism, just plain laziness…

mumbly_joe May 3, 2011 at 9:30 pm

Incidentally, if anybody else suspects certain Intensedebate users, whether their identities are known, or or otherwise, of violating the Intensedebate Terms of Service, I strongly urge them to let Intensedebate know

thefrontpage May 3, 2011 at 9:50 pm

Chuck Norris doesn't "write." He just looks at the page, threatens a roundabout kick, and the paper produces the words.

Then he does the same thing for the next three weeks.

Terry May 3, 2011 at 10:02 pm

"that uphold Judeo-Christian values to unite and have the same treatment that allows them to form an official body represented in the U.N.? Or any other religion for that matter?"

Like the U.S. Ambassador to the Vatican? Or the Permanent Observer Mission of the Holy See to the United Nations?

smokefilledroommate May 3, 2011 at 10:13 pm

Chuck's pasture is writing his columns.

iburl May 3, 2011 at 10:45 pm

The downthumbbies REALLY likes them some Chuck Norris.

They probably are Huckabeliebers too by way of Chuck's Teachings.

Huck/Chuck 2012?

fuflans May 4, 2011 at 2:20 am

so it just occured to me that willz and katz own bamz a serious debt – for distraction.

i think this is good. at some point USA!! will be able to redeem our royal credits. and buy a couple days worth of north sea brent or whatever.

Boredw/Gravitas May 3, 2011 at 4:36 pm

Obama could smelt gold from Malia's spelling test, cure cancer with his smile, and be confirmed by God himself to be the Second Coming, but these blowholes will still not give him a pass. Ever.

BaldarTFlagass May 3, 2011 at 4:44 pm

There's a consensus building that downfister is some kind of anti-wonk-bot that trolls through and downfists everything repeatedly, rather than a human being (and I use the term loosely).

102415 May 3, 2011 at 4:58 pm

That is right. There is a cure for this however.Thank you for the information.

ManchuCandidate May 3, 2011 at 4:48 pm

I missed the human touch… the feel of day old cheeto dust running up and down my downfist button.

jus_wonderin May 3, 2011 at 4:52 pm

If by loosely, you mean DF wears Depends…yes.

102415 May 3, 2011 at 5:00 pm

And he is so proud if just a little confused. Affirmative action and community organizing are involved.

BaldarTFlagass May 3, 2011 at 4:48 pm

"Oh, who cured you?"
"Obama did, sir. I was hopping along, minding my own business, all of a sudden up he comes, cures me. One minute I'm a leper with a trade, next minute my livelihood's gone. Not so much as a by-your-leave! 'You're cured, mate'. Bloody do-gooder."

102415 May 3, 2011 at 4:52 pm

Too true. Too true.

BaldarTFlagass May 3, 2011 at 4:52 pm

Then again, being Republicans, maybe they've outsourced the downfisting duties to some poor shmoe in Bangalore.

WriteyWriterton May 3, 2011 at 4:54 pm

How 'bout we just call that comment "infinitely indubitable"?

yyyaz May 3, 2011 at 7:44 pm

But of course, mon cheri: those are the ones with the backfill ads for hand-picked, sea-salted poison pudenda rodentia.

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