standing his plagiarist ground

Chuck Norris Puts Out New Column; It Plagiarizes His Old Column

Not backing down until he has to plagiarize this very blog about him plagiarizing stuff.Chuck Norris has apparently weathered the revelation that his lazy conservative column is strung together by his “pastor” from a series of plagiarized passages of other people’s writing. That’s not surprising; it’s not like the kind of places his op-eds are syndicated care about truth or intellectual honesty or anything like that. But you’d at least expect him to be a little more careful about plagiarism. Not so! In fact, the kicking legend has gotten even more brazen! For his first column after the plagiarism revelation, Norris (/the pastor guy) lifts a whole section out of one of his own previous Chuck Norris columns.

Compare this from Norris’ May 3, 2011 column:

in February 2010, President Obama also appointed Rashad Hussain to serve as his special envoy to the Organization of the Islamic Conference, or OIC, an inter-governmental body of 56 Muslim countries, which also forms an official body represented in the United Nations. (Where is the same treatment from this White House for countries that uphold Judeo-Christian values to unite and have the same treatment that allows them to form an official body represented in the U.N.? Or any other religion for that matter? There’s something rotten in the state of Denmark!)

With this from Norris’ August 17, 2010 column:

in February, President Obama appointed Rashad Hussain to serve as his special envoy to the Organization of the Islamic Conference, an intergovernmental body of 56 Muslim countries, which also forms an official body represented in the United Nations. (Where is the same treatment from this White House for countries that uphold Judeo-Christian religions and values? Or any other religion?)

Yes, there is something rotten in the state of Denmark: plagiarism. And a paucity of action movies made by bearded men, probably. Denmark is for pussies.

This is all like splicing together an informercial for the Roomba, old Walker, Texas Ranger clips, and a speech delivered by Clint Eastwood at the Academy Awards, and releasing it on DVD as “Chuck Norris Presents Dirty Harry: Space Cop.” We assume that is what Norris will do next, actually.

There you are: finally, a post this week that is not about Osama bin Laden! But Norris will probably plagiarize one of that guy’s cave speeches soon, so hang tight.

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef
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  1. MittsHairHelmet

    Chuck Norris is the smartest man on earth, therefore the only person he plagiarizes is Chuck Norris.

    1. Sophist [غني عن ذلك]

      It's like in Back to the Future, where Chuck Berry invented rock and roll by listening to Michael J. Fox play a Chuck Berry song. Only horrible (and, surprisingly, less racist).

  2. edgydrifter

    At times like this, Chuck Norris is reminded of something Chuck Norris is famous for saying: "Don't retreat–reload!"

    1. fuflans

      i was at a commercial audition a while back. across the hall, 'beautiful girl' auditions for a hair care product were being held. one of the many lanky beauties (a slavic looking brunette with razor like cheekbones) approached the audition monitor with trepidation. holding out her headshot, she asked in a trembling voice "are there, you know, words? i hope they don't have words. words are hard."

      i didn't get that gig.

      1. genxr

        His columns are a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and furries, plagiarizing everything.

    1. Not_So_Much

      By "do Hamlet", you mean manly, macho buttsex and not acting with pussified words, right?

    2. Dudleydidwrong

      Now is this asshole of our discontent
      Made absolute garbage by this son-of-a-bitch…

  3. Sophist [غني عن ذلك]

    Hey, at least the column's made of words he actually typed at some point. That counts as progress, right?

    1. WriteyWriterton

      You think he, the Kickster, actually typed any of them? I'm sure he has acolytes (or is it "electrolytes"? "night lights"?) who typed them for him.

  4. mull_man

    [ctrl] c
    [ctrl] v

    And that concludes another day's work for Walker, Texas Copier

  5. WhatTheHolyHeck

    John Williams does this all the time and gets Oscars for it. Fair is fair.

    1. WhatTheHolyHeck

      Seriously, downfistie?

      You need a hobby. I recommend auto-scrotal stapling.

      1. DaRooster

        They can't read… their moms log 'em on and say,"Click the little down-thumby thing."

        (edit… Oh, you got me *gasp*… oh and FUCK OFF!!)

    2. V572..whatever

      You mean Wms claims to have written more than one piece? I thought they just played the "Stars Wars" theme over and over again, sometimes in 3/4-time, sometimes slowly, sometimes presto allegretto.

      1. WhatTheHolyHeck

        Sometimes he gets all tricksy and flips it into inverted retrograde. That's how you turn Superman into ET.

  6. EdFlintstone

    What do you exepct from somebody who made Missing in Action I, II, and III? Which were ripoffs of the crappy Rambo movies. Unoriginality is Chuck's forte.

    1. anniegetyerfun

      True story: I dated a horrible man a few years ago who was offered a bit-part in a Chuck Norris movie that was being filmed somewhere in Seattle. The role was something like "Minority #3" or "Non-white Guy #2" or something. He showed me the script, and I was, like, "You're Asian, so, they probably kill you off in scene 3."

      I was wrong – Scene 2.

  7. BaldarTFlagass

    Chuck missed all that brouhaha, as he's been out of circulation, leading that SEAL team in Abadabadubad and killing OBL and all.

      1. BaldarTFlagass

        Chuck can serve in any branch he wants, any time he wants. And he doesn't have to wear a military haircut, either.

  8. bitchincamaro2

    C'mon Jack. He's a champion face-kicker, not a champion original thinker.

    1. DaRooster

      OT- Meta, I have no idea how you go to that fucking Breitbart site…
      Them people need their faces smashed… but I guess the brain-deads wouldn't feel it.
      Kudos to you.

  9. mrblifil

    More and more the timeline is raising the question of why, if Chuck Norris was to prevent plagiarism, it seemed to happen mainly during the period when his pastor was looking for what was essentially political information to justify the invasion of Iraq.

  10. neiltheblaze

    Is it really plagiarism if the voices in his head keep repeating the same shit over and over and over until he's ready to smash a door down with his forehead?

  11. riverside68

    Too much Chuck!

    Like a client once said to me: "Stop yelling at me, you know I'm a junkie."

  12. JoshuaNorton

    Did he get to the part where he writes:

    “And then Katherine Lopez and Ross Douthat, grabbed the tub of ‘I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter’ and joined in.”

    Worst letter to Penthouse ever.

    1. neiltheblaze

      Those two really should get married and procreate just so we could see them have a gaggle of Neanderthal-browed uber-tards.

    2. jus_wonderin

      Or…"His manly forearms pulled me to his heaving chest and we fell to the ground with haste…………………"

    3. mourningnmerica

      No it wasn't. I read the Penthouse Forum in the '70s. Xaviera Hollander said that she had sex with an amputee who stump-fucked her with his what was left of his leg. She said it was "sexy". So there's that. Those of you who read Penthouse in the 70's know I'm not making this shit up.

  13. Pragmatist2

    Plagiarizing your old columns is not only more honest than plagiarizing from someone else, it is also remarkably efficient.

    1. WriteyWriterton

      Plus, you avoid all the copyright-infringement issues. (And I pronounced "issues" just then with a sibilant "s" sound, for our dear LimeyLizzie. Is there an Anglophiles Anonymous meeting I can attend somewhere?)

  14. RadioGroundZero

    He's so good at karate (or whatever) he can kick himself in the head, and he obviously has done so repeatedly.

    1. Tundra Grifter

      It's almost as if I read this entire post including all the comments (except this one) on Wonkette just last week.

    2. gef05

      Everyone is too distracted by this Friday's royal wedding to bother writing anything new.

    3. mumbly_joe

      I don't know whether to protest my innocence, or to refuse to respond at all and meet your queries with stony silence, lest I lose my sweet copypasta gig.

      So, I'll settle for admitting that my pastor actually wrote this comment, and then keep posting like there was never any issue.

  15. Doktor Zoom

    I wasn't sure I believed Norris was plagiarizing, but then he told Obama to get himself to a nunnery and stabbed Joe Biden through the arras.

      1. V572..whatever

        Lady Macbeth: "But screw your courage to the sticking place, and we'll not fail!"
        Prince Chuck: "Whuh?"

        1. WriteyWriterton

          Lady M: Is this a dagger I see before me?

          Prince Chuck: Let me kick it from your hand.

          1. Doktor Zoom

            In Chuck's version of "King Lear," most of the action centers around blinding Gloucester. Then everybody else.

  16. mumbly_joe

    A good friend of mine failed a class and had to delay graduation from college by a year, because she failed to cite herself in her thesis. Note that in this case, "failed to cite" actually means she was consciously referencing some earlier writing and missed a citation, but the professor and college opted to make an example of what was actually, literally, a relatively simple error. Needless to say, repeating the thesis course cost her an additional several thousand dollars, not to mention the opportunity costs of remaining a "student" for an additional year, for no reason.

    Meanwhile, Chuck Norris and/or his "pastor" continue to collect paychecks for "their" work.

    1. WriteyWriterton

      I'm guessing her "University"/"College"/Diploma-Mill had cash-flow problems.

      1. mumbly_joe

        Meh, it was the same one I went to, and one of the better small liberal arts schools in the country- the whole fiasco was definitely more with the example-making than pumping their students for cash- they announced the same year that they were increasing scholarship to cover any expected loan obligations because of the Student Loan Superdickery Scandal that broke right about then.

        It was still a completely dick move, of course.

  17. Chillwaver

    "Where is the same treatment from this White House for countries that uphold Judeo-Christian religions and values?"

    Interesting…I always thought Chuck embraced Judo-Christian values, not "Judeo-Christian."

    1. zhubajie

      Does he really have any use for the Judeo stuff? It's pretty much like the Islamic stuff.

  18. DangerHelvetica

    You can't plagiarize yourself! At least that's what I told my college disciplinary board before I got expelled.

    1. anniegetyerfun

      I handed in the same paper once for two classes. No one was the wiser. Especially me, because I didn't learn anything new.

  19. Mort_Sinclair

    Clearly Upchuck Norris isn't plagiarizing, he's looping. You see, he's like a gifted musician, creating a symphony of sorts, in which he simply embellishes and amplifies his original set of (plagiarized) words. You people just don't appreciate culture.

    1. mumbly_joe

      And when he plagarizes other people's writing… well, you call it plagarism, but Chuck Norris calls it "sampling".

  20. Fare la Volpe

    Eh, I always preferred Cynthia Rothrock anyway. At least she never stole moves from other martial artists.

  21. anniegetyerfun

    Hey, if you give yourself permission to do it, it's perfectly legal. That's why I feel entitled to masturbate on my front lawn. It's MY LAWN and I say it's OK.

    1. riverside68

      Is there anything in particular you look at, or think about, while on your front lawn?

      Just curious . . .

  22. Chillwaver

    There's only one reason why Chuck can get away with this shit: people who read his column probably can't remember what they read 2 days ago.

  23. Fare la Volpe

    Ooh, Downfisty doesn't like it when we insult his fantasy man action movie hero.

  24. timbo71351

    No offense, but I think this is the only place where people actually care that Chuck Norris (or his ghostwriter) is a plagiarist. Are there any actual real newspapers that run his column, or does it just run on bottom level wingnut sites?

    1. WriteyWriterton

      We don't really "care." We see a large and convenient target, and we blast away. This ain't one a yer subtle-y/nuance-y hoity-toity joints, y'know? So back off, or I'll scar you with this longneck whence I'm guzzling Der Fuehrer der Beers.

  25. bureaucrap

    To be fair, Mozart, Haydn, Vivaldi and Bach often "recycled" their pieces, rewriting them for different groups of instruments for different occasions. The difference is, of course, that they were great composers, whereas Chuck Norris is in musclehead moron who has to hire someone to do his ghost-plagiarizing for him.

  26. anniegetyerfun

    Where is the same treatment from this White House for countries that uphold Judeo-Christian values to unite and have the same treatment that allows them to form an official body represented in the U.N.?

    Yes, where is that… treatment? Sorry, what the fuck does that even say?

  27. SaintRond

    Hey, you ignorant fuckwad – the Vatican is represented at the UN too, all right?

    And for you, plagiarizing your own shit is like eating your own shit.

    1. mumbly_joe

      Oh, come on, we all know that those dirty Papists don't really count. Next you'll be saying that Israel counts, as though "Judeo-Christian" actually means the Jews, really.

      But, yeah, speaking of which, remember when someone tried to argue that the Pope was unprosecutable for his work in his previous posoition, obstructing justice on the matter matter of the Church's little (big) childrape problem, because Sovereign Immunity? Yeah, good times.

    1. mumbly_joe

      Judo is actually predominantly a grappling and throwing discipline that was actually developed as a discipline accessible to all levels of raw power, unlike jujitsu, and thus, and while some striking techniques and weapons use is incorporated in various katas, they are actually prohibited in sparring and competitions.

      The uptick is, there is no such thing as judo-kickin'. Or, for that matter, a Judo Chop!

  28. DashboardBuddha

    They say that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result. What we have here is proof that Chuck is crazier than a shithouse rat.

  29. Doktor Zoom

    I'm going to wait until someone reposts a funny comment and then recopy it and repost it myself.

    1. RadioGroundZero

      I'm going to wait until someone reposts a funny comment and then recopy it and repost it myself.

      1. user-of-owls

        I'm going to wait until someone reposts a funny comment and then recopy it and repost it myself.

        1. smokefilledroommate

          I'm going to wait until someone reposts a funny comment and then recopy it and repost it myself. It was much better than Cats. I'm going to post it again and again. Btw, I need some owl therapy, I think you both can help.

  30. genxr

    Helpful hint for you, Chuck: This is the interwebs. For your next column, you can just hyperlink back to your last column.

  31. Worthly[♬♪♬♪♫♪♬]Skum

    it’s not like the kind of places his op-eds are syndicated care about truth or intellectual honesty

    Chuck Norris is not afraid of the truth. The truth is afraid of Chuck Norris.

  32. 102415

    It's worth a short visit to DFland also known as The Saddest Place On Earth to see the whole clown car at work. Actually it's best for an elite few to go and bring back a bon mot or two and the rest of you can up fist your dear ones here at home if you can. Meanwhile I'm going to see Cave of Forgotten Dreams in 3D. I'm really happy today. Just watching them fuck this all up is so soothing.

  33. Doktor Zoom

    OMG!!! Totally OT, but I am nerding out–NPR just played most all of the old goofy synthesizer arrangement of the "All Things Considered" theme. I am flashing back to high school, kids.

    Edit: Aha– 40th anniversary of the program. According to Robert Seigel, the tones at the start of the theme are "the dinks," and when you hear 'em, you damn well better have your copy ready to read.

    1. jus_wonderin

      Dang. I am listening but didn't hear that. We are fund raising though so maybe that is why.

    2. RadioGroundZero

      These evil, dumb Libs have ruined this country by indoctrinating feeble young minds — all the while under the mesmerizing spell of that Stalin March Music.
      ♫ ♬ Dah dah dah dah, dah dah dah ♫ ♬

  34. OneDollarJuana

    Wait a minute. Let's give Chuckie a break. After all, it's clear that Chuck's "pastor" is "writing" these columns. How do we even know Chuck Norris is involved?

  35. Redhead

    Wonkette editors: did you steal this headline from Wonketteer comments on your previous Chuck Norris post, or from the Onion?

      1. Doktor Zoom

        Nope, you get a beanie shaped like a butt, with a dildo sticking out of it.

        1. Redhead

          And black plastic-frame glasses with a fake wig attached – the sexy Wonkette girl version of those cheap glasses with the nose.

  36. iburl

    He stole from Shakespeare ("…something rotten in the state of Denmark") and stuck it on the end of his own stuff. If that's not creative writing, I don't know what creative writing is and Chuck Norris is a tool. (P.S. I don't know what creative writing is.)

  37. SheriffRoscoe

    The version he wrote more recently is longer and wordier than the original one. I thought the name of the game was to go back and take out all the extra, unnecessary words when plagiarizing oneself. Oh wait, that's called 'editing.' Plagiarizing is a whole other matter.

  38. Tundra Grifter

    Is plagarizing yourself like dating yourself? Only without the wine and candles and nice dinners, of course.

    However, probably just as much raw sex. Doing his own thing, I mean.

    1. Tundra Grifter

      I was downfisted in about ten minutes. That's a record.

      Wazz UpChuck?

      Guess if you don't write your own columns you wind up with 'waaaaay too much time on your hands.

      Among other things…

    1. Tundra Grifter

      Many years ago a pulp writer of the Old School told me that when you're paid by the word "The gun doesn't go 'bang!' It goes 'bang, bang, bang!'"

      I've always remembered that. Valuable life advice.

  39. TheGyrus

    Where is the same treatment from this White House for countries that uphold Judeo-Christian values to unite and have the same treatment that allows them to form an official body represented in the U.N.?

    4 out of the 5 permanent members of the UN security council being run by Christians isn't good enough for him?

    1. emmelemm

      I dunno, is that 100%? (Never been good at math.)

      No? Not 100%? Then no, it's not good enough for Chuck Norris.

    1. Mahousu

      Are you implying that Chuck Norris doesn't write his columns, he performs them? Wouldn't that make him a performance artist? Well, that and the fact that he types in the nude while covered with chocolate.

  40. smokefilledroommate

    Ya heard? Chuck's new movie– 'Ibid.': You've seen him kick ass. You know damn well he's American simply because he kicks ass. Now Chuck Norris is dealing with his worst enemy ever: plagiarism–a pussy word that has more than two syllables. Two words: Un-American. Don't matter if you don't know what that plagurheesms word means, Chuck's legs'll do the 'splainin..

    Tagline: Don't miss Ol' Kicky defend the Bibliography as he gives Muslim nemesis Fancy Al-Footnote a "citation" he'll never forget in Ibid. !

    [coming soon to an old fashioned sticky floor theater and card catalog near you]

  41. Mahousu

    Chuck does raise a good point – why do we have an envoy to the Organization of the Islamic Conference, and not one to the Organization of the Judeo-Christian Conference? I mean, aside from the minor detail that the latter doesn't actually exist.

  42. user-of-owls

    Op Cit
    Op Cit
    Op Cit
    Op Cit
    Op Cit
    Op Cit
    Op Cit
    Op Cit
    Op Cit
    Op Cit
    Op Cit
    Op Cit
    Op Cit

    By Norris, Chuck. Translated (Made Up Entirely) by Pastor, A.

    1. MadBrahms

      This would imply that there was a reference in the footnotes, which are instead filled with insane cackling.

  43. thefrontpage

    Chuck Norris doesn't "write." He just looks at the page, threatens a roundabout kick, and the paper produces the words.

    Then he does the same thing for the next three weeks.

  44. Terry

    "that uphold Judeo-Christian values to unite and have the same treatment that allows them to form an official body represented in the U.N.? Or any other religion for that matter?"

    Like the U.S. Ambassador to the Vatican? Or the Permanent Observer Mission of the Holy See to the United Nations?

  45. iburl

    The downthumbbies REALLY likes them some Chuck Norris.

    They probably are Huckabeliebers too by way of Chuck's Teachings.

    Huck/Chuck 2012?

  46. fuflans

    so it just occured to me that willz and katz own bamz a serious debt – for distraction.

    i think this is good. at some point USA!! will be able to redeem our royal credits. and buy a couple days worth of north sea brent or whatever.

  47. Boredw/Gravitas

    Obama could smelt gold from Malia's spelling test, cure cancer with his smile, and be confirmed by God himself to be the Second Coming, but these blowholes will still not give him a pass. Ever.

  48. BaldarTFlagass

    There's a consensus building that downfister is some kind of anti-wonk-bot that trolls through and downfists everything repeatedly, rather than a human being (and I use the term loosely).

  49. 102415

    And he is so proud if just a little confused. Affirmative action and community organizing are involved.

  50. BaldarTFlagass

    "Oh, who cured you?"
    "Obama did, sir. I was hopping along, minding my own business, all of a sudden up he comes, cures me. One minute I'm a leper with a trade, next minute my livelihood's gone. Not so much as a by-your-leave! 'You're cured, mate'. Bloody do-gooder."

  51. BaldarTFlagass

    Then again, being Republicans, maybe they've outsourced the downfisting duties to some poor shmoe in Bangalore.

  52. yyyaz

    But of course, mon cheri: those are the ones with the backfill ads for hand-picked, sea-salted poison pudenda rodentia.

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