What a day to remember! We went to the special “barber shop that’s open on Monday” and that ESPN sports-center program was on like always, we guess, and then the sportscasters just cold started talking about Osama bin Laden. And then they showed video from 50 or 60 colleges, one after another, of people partying and jumping in pools and just being drunk like college kids are, always, with no sign that this was in any way related to the late Sunday night news about Osama bin Laden or 9/11, which happened when these college kids were what, two years old? Nine years old? How old are people when they do the various things, school or whatever? Who knows. And then the sportcasters played some canned Pat Tillman documentary footage and we were all, “Wait a minute, Pat Tillman was an anti-war Chomsky reader who was repeatedly shot through the skull by his own men, right?”
But this is not a day for shouting things at people who have ESPN turned up so loud that they obviously don’t want to hear any talking, ever. This is a day for a very special kind of American celebration: a celebration of violence, death, revenge, and a complete avoidance of any talk of “the rule of law.”
Whoa, who is that sexy lady? Why, it’s Osama bin Laden’s sexy relative. His niece or something? Very glamorous! (The Bin Ladens are a big rich family with many ties to London finance and the Texas-Saudi oil industry. There was a movie about it, we can’t remember any details. Some thing with Michael Musto?)
We don’t know who this is, either. Why does this come up when we do a Wonkette image search for “Osama bin Laden,” anyway? Is this Osama’s mom? Must be a hard day for her. No matter what shit your kid pulls, you’re still all, “Wellllll, I didn’t give him enough vitamins or Baby Einstein” or whatever.
When we used to make these blingees, we sort of never fully appreciated to what extent Barack Obama would become an actual killer. How many people, including innocent goat farmers and children, has Obama killed with bullets and bombs since 2009? A whole fucking lot, probably!
All right, everybody, there you go! Enjoy your freedom fries.