whew

CNN: ‘No Indication Obama Tried To Surrender’

Where's Bin Biden?Hooray for CNN.com! The world’s favorite “comedy news” site informed us that Barack Obama apparently made no effort to surrender before he was shot dead by American spy-assassins. Way to keep it real, Obama!

Any other fun we should mention from last night? The Fox News website congratulated President Bush for personally killing an Arab, so that was cool.

Area prick Eric Cantor commended Obama, sort of, by putting out a statement that said, “I commend President Obama who has followed the vigilance of President Bush in bringing Bin Laden to justice.”

Uh, yeah. Because “bringing Bin Laden to justice” is just what we thought when we heard “assassinated and dumped off a ship.” And “the vigilance of President Bush” is exactly how we remember “eight years of ceaseless war and death that never even achieved the stated goal of capturing Osama bin Laden.”

Thanks to Wonkette operatives “Cheeto Jeebus” and chascates!

About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne
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103 comments

    1. Gopherit

      Colorectal cancer. That guy needs a colostomy to help drain that giant "full of shit" reserve.

    2. elviouslyqueer

      Oh, I would never wish death on Cantor. Hoping that he comes down with lifelong case of scorching incurable hemorrhoids, on the other hand…

    3. bflrtsplk

      I would settle for him suddenly becoming permanently old, sick, poor and unable to afford care or even cat food thanks to the cuts he made to the "entitlement" programs he despises so much.

    4. JustPixelz

      I noticed Republicans who are seriously running for president compliment Obama on this success — independent voters like to see bipartisanship on national security. Then there are Republicans who are moored to the Tea Party either thank the troops only or give Dubya Bush the leading role in getting OBL.

      Then there's Michele Bachmann who is grateful that Sharia Law won't be spreading.

    1. deanbooth

      And torture is again vindicated:

      Carole Mahan Sluis Let's hope President Obama sees how the process works. We'd still be chasing our tails if we hadn't gotten a lead in Gitmo. GITMO WORKS! Get it! GITMO WORKS!

    2. James Michael Curley

      Her minions are a little prissy with her sometimes; "Start Acting Like You Want to Be Our President, Not a Little Cheerleader Mouthpiece".

  1. OkieDokieDog

    I knew that Obuma wasn't hiding out in some nasty old cave in one of those Mooslim countries. I figured he was working on GW's ranch/golf course as a groundskeeper.

      1. Ken Layne

        Aren't 7-11s banned in SLO like the fast-food restaurants?

        /I would live in SLO if it was just an hour or so closer to an airport.

        1. CrankyLttlCamperette

          Really? I honestly have no idea. I just picked it because it's a fun name to say (and seemed like a good place to hide in plain sight).

  2. mavenmaven

    “eight years of ceaseless war and death IN THE WRONG COUNTRY that never even achieved the stated goal of capturing Osama bin Laden.”

    fixed.

    1. Ken Layne

      Well, it's not like the war against Afghanistan stopped for the War against Iraq!

      /War against Afghanistan now the LONGEST WAR IN U.S. HISTORY, btw

      1. mavenmaven

        I suppose now they can bring those troops back and invade Libya or Syria, Support The Troops by continuing to expose them to unnecessary wars…
        Keeping in mind that OBL was in Pakistan, not Afghanistan…

  3. HempDogbane

    Obama and W worked together brilliantly on this. Obama took the lead as CinC, and W organized the celebration/codpiece orgy. In fact W was so enthusiastic about his role he had the party early.

  4. LesBontemps

    Alt header & subs:

    Chicago thug admits orchestrating murder of elderly activist

    Chilling late-night confession captured on video

    Plotted killing for months, dumped body in sea

    1. Pithaughn

      By August this will have been spun by the R wing noise machine into the worst example foreign relations and military leadership since the Gulf of Tonkin.

  5. LabRodent

    On behalf of the Obama Admin I offer a collective FU*K YOU to all the Birthers, Tea-partiers and numerous ASS-hats in the conservative world.

  6. SorosBot

    If Obama had followed the vigilance of Bush in bringing bin Laden to justice, he would have abandoned the search for him and pulled out all the troops sent after him to go invade an unrelated country that he had daddy issues over.

    1. Pithaughn

      Yes, now he can invade Kenya and put the rightful heir on the throne of the Pan African Monarchy.

      1. tessiee

        And then send us all e-mails requesting that we set up bank accounts…
        Oh, no wait.
        That's *Nigerian* royalty.
        My bad.

    1. sezme

      CBC News (Canuckistan Radio) also did the Osama/Obama boo-boo this morning ("Obama was shot…"). But in her defence, newsreader Jill Dempsey was as usual high as a kite.

  7. Buckminster

    Typical response from the great unwashed. They hadn't even sobered up from their stumbling-drunk street riots before the first conspiracy theory came to light.

    Idiots.

  8. Allmighty_Manos

    I want to take a moment and thank our strong ally, Pakistan. Who knew Osama (and his kids) were living in a major Pakistani city on the outskirts of the capital — a city that happens to house a military academy and tons of army officers. (not to mention military checkpoints everywhere) I'm sure our good friends are very mortified by this, but I know they will continue to have our back in the global war on terror.

    Islamabad needs more of our money, pronto.

    1. WriteyWriterton

      And they have an absolutely fabulous bridge on offer in Brooklyn for us, too. Also.

  9. DownFist Troll

    Can this mean the end of the war? Please? He's dead now let's get out and get some IHOP.

  10. Serolf_Divad

    If barack Obama had "followed the vigilance of George Bush" we'd still be looking for Bin Ladin in Iraq.

  11. Cheetah Repeater

    Wait…yoo tryin' ta tell me Obumma and Osumma are two different guys?! I thought it wuz one o' those furrin spelling thangs.

  12. metamarcisf

    First thing this morning our boss asked us all how we felt when we heard Obama was killed. She is republican.

  13. Goonemeritus

    As a proud New Yorker I am good with the shiny due process of shot in the face and then thrown in the ocean.

      1. Goonemeritus

        Am I glad he’s dead absolutely, do I think it’s wrong to celebrate a death, yeah but not so much in this case. I am sick and tired of looking like the Key Stone Cops. I grew up believing all bad guys got two in the hat.
        By the way enjoy the glad tidings of the day my dear.

        1. Limeylizzie

          Thanks, dollface! I am kicking back with a frosty kefir and mango smoothie and surfing the TV and looking in on the schadenfreude that is Fox News, all in all , a very good day.

  14. bflrtsplk

    Let's see now. Bush out of office two years is responsible for killing Osama last week. Obama in office two years is responsible for the financial meltdown that happened three years ago. Welcome to the parallel universe.

    1. tessiee

      That is such an awesome comment that I'm tempted to lend you the vowel of your choice.

      1. bflrtsplk

        I'd like to buy a Y, Alex, and solve the puzzle. Paul RY-an, the closest relative to Mickey now serving in Congress. Because we like you. M-O-U-S-E.

  15. nounverb911

    "“I commend President Obama who has followed the vigilance of President Bush in bringing Bin Laden to justice.”
    If Obama was as vigilant as Bush, they would have caught Osama in 2101.

  16. BlueStateLibel

    So that's what those cheering crowds outside the White House were doing last night, trying to get Obama to surrender. Whew, for a minute there I thought I was in some alternate universe.

  17. freakishlywrong

    Next debates on CNN: "Did Obama kill Osama or did Osama kill Obama?" We report, you decide.

  18. ManchuCandidate

    Note to GOPers who "credit" Bush, a timeline of the "manhunt" under W.

    In March 2002, just six months after 9/11, Bush said of bin Laden, "I truly am not that concerned about him…. You know, I just don't spend that much time on him, to be honest with you."

    In July 2006, we learned that the Bush administration closed its unit that had been hunting bin Laden.

    In September 2006, Bush told Fred Barnes, one of his most sycophantic media allies, that an "emphasis on bin Laden doesn't fit with the administration's strategy for combating terrorism."

    1. tessiee

      Yes, but but but he…
      The "mission accomplished" banner…
      The flight suit with the stuffed package…
      And then he said, "Bring it on!"…

  19. pinkocommi

    They just HAD to "bury" Bin Laden's body at sea, as an open invitation for stoopid conspiracy theorists.

    1. elviouslyqueer

      If the Navy SEALS shot up bin Laden as per news reports, what was left of his "body" would've probably been used as chum anyway.

  20. Beowoof

    CNN fucks up again. Can't wait for Erin Burnett to get there, at least she is a reason to watch with the sound down.

  21. Clancy_Pants

    chum (chm) n.
    Bait usually consisting of oily fish ground up and scattered on the water.
    v. chummed, chum·ming, chums
    v.intr. To fish with such bait.
    v.tr. To lure (fish) with such bait.
    see: Osama Bin Laden

  22. WriteyWriterton

    Costly, too. We have to cutz the budget, amirite? So… we start with due-processsy things.

  23. nappyduggs

    Were there any truth to this typo, five'll get ya ten that Obama's last words would be something akin to " And when you get through killin' me, you can KISS MY BLACK ASS."

  24. cheetojeebus

    Is that a picture of Obama's secret Hawaiian hacienda? If so, I for one would like to know who paid for it! Get back to work ya bum!

    1. Chet Kincaid

      I just love the wingnut "Lazy Obama wasting my money" meme. Apparently, when a black man is President he should serve as the National House Slave 24/7.

  25. Chet Kincaid

    President Obama, Long Form Day, 4/27/11: "…I can't get the networks to break in on all kinds of other discussions…I was just back there listening to Chuck — he was saying, it’s amazing that he’s not going to be talking about national security. I would not have the networks breaking in if I was talking about that, Chuck, and you know it."

    President Obama, 5/1/11, V-OBL Day (off-mic) "Got the networks lined up? Good! Let 'em sit for an hour and a half and count their lost ad revenue while I make a few phone calls to world leaders."

  26. zappadoo76

    From Ken's article: “'bringing Bin Laden to justice' is just what we thought when we heard 'assassinated and dumped off a ship'.”

    Cowboy justice. Like at the OK Corral. Or Blazing Saddles.

    I mean, wouldn't it have been useful to interrogate the guy before administering "justice"?

  27. zappadoo76

    If you listen to the Preznit's speech, he says Osama was killed after the firefight. This was how the first reports were worded. Now all the news stories say "in" a firefight.

    If it was after the firefight, it was cowboy justice. If it was during the firefight, it was self-defense or a glorious shootout or something.

    1. HateMachine

      "After a firefight, they killed Osama bin Laden and took custody of his body."
      The meaning of "after" here is ambiguous. You hear it in police reports in phrases like "after a brief pursuit, the suspect was apprehended" and there it doesn't mean that the cop and the perp took a five-minute breather after they ran around the block before they got in the squad car. It means that the chase ended with the cop tackling the guy (and maybe tasing him a couple times for good measure, but that has nothing to do with our grammar).

      "After a firefight" likely means that bin Laden ate a bullet as the punctuation of the shootout.

      Come on, people. We're ass-deep in reasons to feel bad about America. We don't need to look for new ones here, of all places.

  28. DahBoner

    Bush had as much to do with bin Laden's death as I did with MICHELLE OBAMA'S MULTIPLE ORGASMS LAST NIGHT.

  29. Callyson

    Damn right! CNN actually got it right: Obama did not surrender.
    Now, perhaps the happy result of Obama's resolve will inspire him not to surrender when it comes to dealing with the Reeps…

  30. BZ1

    Good grief, first a war with IraQ because they spelled IraN wrong, now the Repubs think they shot OBama, not OSama…

  31. OkieDokieDog

    I went over to that rag this weekend because the headline was something nasty about Jimmy Carter. I downfisted every one of those Breitbart mofos – and I liked it. Revenge is mine, sayeth the Lord Dog.

  32. MinAgain

    First the Gulf Oil spill, now the corpse of Osama Bin Laden. We're never going to be able to eat ocean fish again

  33. bflrtsplk

    It tasted too many lead chips and now calls itself Clocked Out, a futile attempt at humor, but an accurate description of the mind behind it.

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