The wat is over. This is reality: Osama bin Laden, killer of people in office buildings, is dead. President Barack Hussein Obama overcame his devotion to Allah and the cause of the terrorists to do what the white idiot who preceeded him could not: our armed forces cornered the bastard in a SUBURBAN MANSION and the president made the call to take him out in a firefight. Americans shot the bearded troll, pulled out his body, and now that the CSI checks are over, the United States is in the possession of its greatest enemy’s corpse. Oh God, what do we do with this body? And, uh, can we maybe close Guantanamo and have our civil liberties back now?
12:22 AM — Uh, Pakistan, you got some splaining to do. Sounds like we have another war on our hands! Yay!
12:23 AM — Whoops, sorry Obama took so long to release that birth certificate. Was a little busy KILLING BIN LADEN.
12:28 AM — President Obama needs to come out and address his people. CROWD SURF, SIR.
12:31 AM — This is how badasses walk.
12:32 AM — American forces are on high alert. Remember when that was something that concerned us? Yes. We are very remember. Very terrorism.
12:36 AM — Oh, we see wingnuts on Twitter are declaring this a victory for Bush. Good! God forbid America come together over this again. We MUST bring lots of politics into this, quickly!
12:44 AM — The U.S. lost a helicopter in this Bin Laden battle; no lives. A new helicopter will have to be purchased. Hooray! The military-industrial complex wins again!
12:49 AM — We’ve been waiting a long time for this. We’ve had TWO Hollywood Spiderman franchises in this span.
12:52 AM — Oh, you guys are still up? Barack Obama isn’t. He’s sleeping. Like a badass baby.
12:53 AM — Jesus Christ, Pakistan was letting Osama bin Laden know our movements. The U.S. figured that out, so they didn’t say anything before this operation. We kind of have to go to war, don’t we?
12:53 AM — A MILLION DOLLAR MANSION. Seriously, fuck Pakistan.
12:55 AM — Osama bin Laden lived in a bigger mansion than Sarah Palin does, from the sound of it.
12:58 AM — Did Bin Laden have a swimming pool and hot tub, like all our mansions in the suburbs here? Because if he was lounging in the Jacuzzi during all of this, fuck him one billion times more.
1:03 AM — Let’s remember the pain some people are going through tonight:
Stay strong, Fox!
1:11 AM — Okay, your editor needs to get to Manhattan so he can take some crappy iPhone photos for you. Ken or Riley may be here soon (if they have an OUNCE of patriotism), but otherwise, inform yourselves in the comments!