woah of woahs

BIN LADEN DEAD: American Victory Over That Guy Liveblog Part II

Whoops! Dead! Hah.The wat is over. This is reality: Osama bin Laden, killer of people in office buildings, is dead. President Barack Hussein Obama overcame his devotion to Allah and the cause of the terrorists to do what the white idiot who preceeded him could not: our armed forces cornered the bastard in a SUBURBAN MANSION and the president made the call to take him out in a firefight. Americans shot the bearded troll, pulled out his body, and now that the CSI checks are over, the United States is in the possession of its greatest enemy’s corpse. Oh God, what do we do with this body? And, uh, can we maybe close Guantanamo and have our civil liberties back now?

12:22 AM — Uh, Pakistan, you got some splaining to do. Sounds like we have another war on our hands! Yay!
12:23 AM — Whoops, sorry Obama took so long to release that birth certificate. Was a little busy KILLING BIN LADEN.
12:28 AM — President Obama needs to come out and address his people. CROWD SURF, SIR.
12:31 AM — This is how badasses walk.
12:32 AM — American forces are on high alert. Remember when that was something that concerned us? Yes. We are very remember. Very terrorism.
12:36 AM — Oh, we see wingnuts on Twitter are declaring this a victory for Bush. Good! God forbid America come together over this again. We MUST bring lots of politics into this, quickly!
12:44 AM — The U.S. lost a helicopter in this Bin Laden battle; no lives. A new helicopter will have to be purchased. Hooray! The military-industrial complex wins again!
12:49 AM — We’ve been waiting a long time for this. We’ve had TWO Hollywood Spiderman franchises in this span.
12:52 AM — Oh, you guys are still up? Barack Obama isn’t. He’s sleeping. Like a badass baby.
12:53 AM — Jesus Christ, Pakistan was letting Osama bin Laden know our movements. The U.S. figured that out, so they didn’t say anything before this operation. We kind of have to go to war, don’t we?
12:53 AM — A MILLION DOLLAR MANSION. Seriously, fuck Pakistan.
12:55 AM — Osama bin Laden lived in a bigger mansion than Sarah Palin does, from the sound of it.
12:58 AM — Did Bin Laden have a swimming pool and hot tub, like all our mansions in the suburbs here? Because if he was lounging in the Jacuzzi during all of this, fuck him one billion times more.
1:03 AM — Let’s remember the pain some people are going through tonight:
Flash mobs
Stay strong, Fox!
1:11 AM — Okay, your editor needs to get to Manhattan so he can take some crappy iPhone photos for you. Ken or Riley may be here soon (if they have an OUNCE of patriotism), but otherwise, inform yourselves in the comments!

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef
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  1. missemish

    Hitler was declared dead on this date, 1945. 2003, Bush declared "Mission accomplished." Celebrity Apprentice preempted by the Bin Laden coverage. Is this real life?

    1. ms_mcgee

      Hitler was killed 66 years ago. Donald Trump is turning 66. Has to be a total conspiracy. Where's Bachman when you need her?

      1. SonofSpermcube

        Fuckin' freaky, out of thousands upon thousands of historically significant events, an entire handful of them just happened to fall upon the same one of 366 possible dates.

  2. memzilla

    I want OBL's head embalmed and put at the World Trade Memorial where people can spit and piss on it.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      I agree. Honestly, that guy was almost as bad as some Republican congressmen I know.

      1. Terry

        Throwing him into the ocean somewhere took away the potential gravesite for his followers to venerate and gather around. Now, they have to take a ride out into the middle of the Indian Ocean. (I'm assuming it was the Indian Ocean, as that one is closest).

        This is a relief. The head is cut off the snake. He had ten years to plan, though, what would happen once we got him.

    2. Lionel[redacted]Esq

      They have said that his corpse will be dealt with in traditional Muslim fashion. So, pretty much, yes.

      1. Lionel[redacted]Esq

        That or they are going to wrap it in plastic explosive and throw it at a bunch of civilians.

          1. finallyhappy

            well, maybe before they threw him in the ocean. So I just got up- how is the right making this a bad thing Obama did?

  3. BarackMyWorld

    Republicans: Financial collapse while Bush was president because of Democrats. Bin Laden killed while a Democrat is president, Bush gets credit.

      1. Jukesgrrl

        Trump will claim this happened three days ago and they withheld the announcement just to screw with The Apprentice … in 3, 2, 1 …

    1. bokononista

      Jesus told him this day would come, but Bushie had to get the ball rolling way back then in Iraq of all places. I don't get it either.

      1. FakaktaSouth

        As the afflicted partner in my couple-dum here, I like this – from now on when my handler/hassler asks why I can't get my shit together and know where I am, I shall remind him of how fucking funny and non-lethal it is. I bet it makes him less frustrated (or maybe that'll just be me). Either way, Thanks FO!

    2. SayItWithWookies

      It was the fault of Judith Miller — and, consequently, that damn liberal New York Times.

  4. Badonkadonkette

    The very best part about this is watching Fox's stilted, sullen, begrudging coverage.

    1. EdFlintstone

      They need more water on the set, because they're choking as they try to get the accolades out.

    2. TheMightyHaltor

      I watched it for as long as I could, but the sad attempt to slurp Dubya at a time like this disgusted me.

      1. Lascauxcaveman

        I'm pretty sure all the credit should go to Charles KKKrauthammmer or David Brooks…

    3. RadioBinLaden

      Wait, this will run smack into the "weak and timid and 'over his head' " talking point.

    1. anniegetyerfun

      It'll probably crash, because good news for a Dem president is bad news for teh moneez.

    1. Negropolis

      No, just the whole "Obama Bin Laden" bullshit. It's also been happening on other networks, tonight. I just don't get it. I know it's just a letters difference, but it's a world apart. I've never made that slip of the tongue.

      1. CrankyLttlCamperette

        You would think that they would extra-double-super-proofread that tonight…

        1. weejee

          An infinite number of monkeys typing at an infinite number of typewriters computers could produce the works of Shakespeare Faux Newz. Actually 'bout 3 might be closer.

  5. BZ1

    Bin Laden wasn't hiding out in Iraq, after all, so Dubya must be contrite…
    The compound in which Osama was found was reputedly a $1 million estate that didn't have an Internet connection. Surprisingly, how one little thing could undo you…

  6. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Criticism from the right for Obama killing bin Laden instead of capturing him so we could torture him in 3, 2, 1……

    1. glamourdammerung

      I said something along the same lines in the first thread.

      But yeah, we know it is coming.

  7. Hatrabbit

    Somewhere, in a dark, dark, corner of the world Donald Trump and Sarah Palin are comforting each other.

    1. CrankyLttlCamperette

      Oh, screw you. I can never unsee that image. Pass the brain bleach, please…

        1. WIDTAP

          If you thought the old were afraid of the blacks, just wait until they get a gander at the lepers.

      1. Lionel[redacted]Esq

        I am sure that Glenn Beck will be covering the up-coming Roomba revolution over the next few nights.

        1. emmelemm

          Funny, just yesterday my friend offered to give me her Roomba. Maybe I should say no…

    1. Steverino247

      The idea of a black man in the White House. No need to change the plan just because bin Laden's dead.

    2. DarwinianDemon

      "The negro in the White House is using the US MILITARY to kill his enemies!!!" Check. Mate.

    3. Negropolis

      Oh, just everything else and the kitchen sink.

      I'm sure tomorrow we'll be hearing plots about China training suicide bomber dolphins or some shit.

        1. Negropolis

          Yes, and dogs with bees in their mouths, and when they bark they shoot bees at you! Thank you The Simpsons.

  8. Ohforcripessake

    "And, uh, can we maybe close Guantanamo and have our civil liberties back now?"

    May I have some of what you're smoking?

    1. V572..whatever

      Still have to take off your shoes and belt to get on an airplane. Have some respect…those TSA guys need their jerbs.

  9. tcaalaw

    The funniest thing to come out of this will be watching the Republican presidential candidates do a 180 on their support for continued military action in Afghanistan and start demanding that Obama bring the troops home.

    1. anniegetyerfun

      Why aren't the troops home? Why does he hate America? Why is he keeping troops in harm's way? It's unconsciousnessanable.

      -Sarah Palin

    2. MadBrahms

      That, and complain that it took too long, and that if we were only a little less concerned with nabmy-pamby political correctness, we could've *already* been out. $10 says this is Palin's actual line.

  10. predilectrix

    What do you bet they held this till now to let our bestest allies hold their wedding and not steal the limelight like a tarty bridesmaid?

    President Badass-007 is not only lethal, he has impeccable manners.

    1. Jukesgrrl

      "President Badass-007." I like that. He should start wearing a tuxedo and sunglasses everywhere he goes.

    2. Limeylizzie

      How could he keep that cool at the dinner , cracking the jokes and knowing this was about to go down? He is the coolest cat of all time.

      1. riverside68

        That guy always seems three moves ahead, or at least in hindsight I can almost see his game that far.
        Jedi mind warrrior gots some force on his side.

        1. Limeylizzie

          And that is why I always keep the faith, MrLmeylizzie laughs off the haters and doubters by saying “He plays the long game, he is so far ahead of everyone else” .

      2. AJW@[redacted]

        That's why he always wears the dark suits, so we can't tell when he's pissing himself.

  11. Barb

    I've never watched Beck's show or Fox "news" I may have to tune in tomorrow to watch their empty heads implode.

    1. V572..whatever

      The correct spelling of that word in the Fox universe is "assplode." Hate to correct you, but sometimes it's just unavoidable.

      1. Barb

        Thanks for your "correction erection" and you know you are my heart. Sharing this moment with you makes my molars buzz. You rock!

    2. Lionel[redacted]Esq

      This won't phase Beck. Clearly, bin Laden had passed his usefulness to George Soros.

    3. Jukesgrrl

      I'm also looking forward to what Rush says. He'll probably have to stay up all night thinking of ways to insult Obama and it might be hard since he probably drinks all weekend.

    4. CrankyLttlCamperette

      I actually watched Fox tonight, just to see how they were going to spin this one…

    5. ttommyunger

      Expect demands for the Death Certificate; the Long Form, not the short form.

  12. Fukui_sanYesOta

    Michele Bachman's statement consisted of the Jean-Luc Picard facepalm gif.

  13. Texan_Bulldog

    This is so awesome. Right wing heads are exploding everywhere! Makes that joke that Barry made at the WHCD about the stress of Donald firing Gary Busey particularly delicious.

    1. Fukui_sanYesOta

      I've been reading free republic (a filthy habit, I know). They're spinning so fast that you could attach them to a dynamo and power New York.

    2. Warpde

      One of the nicer comments on theblze blog.
      Damn these people are pissed and not in a good way.

      "What a publicity crock of sh@te!
      I was watching Donald Trumps “Apprentice” and seconds before he was going to announce who was fired they cut in for this special bulletin.
      Like it couldn’t wait ONE more minute? It had to interrupt Donald Trumps show at the most critical point?
      F’n RUBBISH!
      I hate Obongo even more now after this political cr@p tactic."

      1. Left_Leftie

        Yes, it did have to interrupt Trumps show. The cake needed a little bit of frosting

  14. anniegetyerfun

    12:31 AM — This is how badasses walk.

    I am going to play and replay that until I climax.

    1. chascates

      “Some folks look at me and see a certain swagger, which in Texas is called "walking."” –George W. Bush

  15. Beanball

    Pat Tillman (among lots of other people) was shot in the back by friendly fire for this moment.

    Somehow I just can't work up a lot of happy happy about all this.

    1. V572..whatever

      But if anything could vindicate Tillman, this does. So there's that. Now how about a nice court-martial for Stan McChrystal?

    2. Trinket

      I feel no joy over the death of Osama bin Laden, but I don't feel any sorrow, either.

      The glee I'm feeling is over the absolute deliciousness of our superhero president giving the entire right wing a giant fucking mollywop.

      1. Lascauxcaveman

        Seriously, right wing. OBL was killed on a negro Democrat's watch. How do you like that?

        Teach your children well.

    1. Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Killing bin Laden is a fucking valuable thing, you just don't give it away for nothing

  16. V572..whatever

    I'm sure the Romans were high-fiving each other and saying, "That ought a put a stop to this nonsense!" when they crucified JEEBUS!

      1. Oblios_Cap

        They buried him at sea? Is another Pirates of the Caribbean movie in the works?

        Head on a pike or STFU.

    1. El Pinche

      Nothing four shots of espresso, 20 oz of corn-syrup and some new ipad apps can't help.

  17. DownFist Troll

    Friday, release long form birf certificate. Saturday, make fun of trump's hair. Sunday, have bin laden killed. Trifecta of win for barry.

      1. Fare la Volpe

        If I were Michelle right now, the sheer badassery of it all would be better than foreplay.

  18. Badonkadonkette

    Best comment on big journalism:

    "Doesn't change the fact that Obama is still a failure as POTUS. One Osama Bin Laden doesn't equal 14 trillion dollars of debt, 9 percent unemployment, or $4.00 and rising gas prices."

    I don't normally troll or downfist, but what an anti-American douchebag. And the pansy bitch calls himself "war machine." Fucking tool.

    1. chascates

      I'm guessing the closest he's come to war is yelling at the ethnic store clerk how high the price of Cheetos has gotten.

    2. glamourdammerung

      "war machine".

      Pretty sure that is one of the mentally handicaps that has trolled here. Funny though how it took the Breitbart crowd less than 30 minutes to start their whining about the death of Osama bin Laden though.

      1. MadBrahms

        Pressure point: lost. Still time to ask why we haven't killed Gaddafi yet.

        …and then whine about how we opened the door for radical Islam if we do.

  19. Dr_Zoidberg

    Obama delivered the news so classy, too. Imagine (and it will take a big leap of imagination, I know) if bin Laden had been killed when Dubya was president. Can't you just see the smirking and good ol' boy comments that would have been made by Dubya?

    1. TheMightyHaltor

      …while riding a tomohawk missile onto the deck of the USS Ronald Reagan.

  20. tardsploitation

    Never forget :

    BUSH 2002 on Bin Laden: "I am truly not that concerned about him."


    1. Fukui_sanYesOta

      Also in 2002

      "I don't know where bin Laden is. I have no idea and really don't care. It's not that important. It's not our priority."

    2. glamourdammerung

      Maybe the Breitards can try to organize another boycott since they seem so upset at the posters here enjoying the death of someone.

      1. Doktor Zoom

        See how liberals celebrate the culture of death? It's quite sickening, really.

  21. SayItWithWookies

    Did Mahatma Gandhi ever kill Osama bin Laden? Nope. Nobel Badass Prize 2012 in the works.

    1. chascates

      I think the government will follow the traditional Muslim burial rites and bury him within 3 days. Other than that might start riots across the Mideast even though he hasn't many fans. Then the attacks will come from the right.

      I bet the Saudis are revealed [relieved I mean. Good thing I bough Weller 107 yesterday]. He had to have known too much about the royal family.

      1. anniegetyerfun

        24 hours, not three days. My guess is that they will be more flexible with this. But who will wash and bless the body? I'd be hard pressed to think of anyone that (1) would want to do it who (2) isn't already on the FBI's Most Wanted List.

      2. Doktor Zoom

        I understand that George Bush has some experience with whisking members of the Bin Laden family out of the country on short notice.

    2. tcaalaw

      I'm pretty sure they'll claim that the only reason Obama continued to hunt for bin Laden was because of their tireless and heroic efforts to shame him into it.

    3. riverside68

      It is my understanding that Jon Stewart has booked them for exactly that purpose.
      He had to promise not to speak, it is going to be absurdist theater.

    4. DahBoner

      I heard one asshole on CBS say this operation "started" under Bush.


  22. pinkocommi

    "Oh God, what do we do with this body?"

    Mall tour across America! Think of the corporate sponsorship opportunities!

    1. Steverino247

      He was probably in middle school when that asshole attacked us. I want the entire team to split the reward money, too.

  23. BklynIlluminati

    So what made Pakistan finally give this fucker up? I bet the money ran out

    1. Beanball

      BofA finally called in the loan on Bin Laden's "million dollar mansion." This was just part of the eviction process.

  24. EdFlintstone

    You know Glenn Beck is huddled in a corner of a darkened room, sobbing uncontrollably right now, and his tears taste delicious. Beck paranoia raised to Defcon 5.

    1. SayItWithWookies

      Oh, Beck already has an answer — the man is thorough above all else. I'm betting it's something like, "This is exactly what an antichrist would do — trick the people by an act that so unites them behind his cause and makes them feel he is righteous that more and more of the populace are blinded to his sinister plan."

      The fun part is that that accurately describes Dubya standing on top of that pile of rubble several days after 9/11, whenever he finally managed to get his ass up to NYC.

    1. El Pinche

      No kidding. Those fuckers have some explaining to do.
      No F-22's or M1A2 Abrams for you ! (for at least 2 months)

  25. Barb

    Palin has tweeted:
    "Thank you, American men and women in uniform. You are America's finest and we are all so proud. Thank you for fighting against terrorism."

    No love for Barry? This is the woman who gave credit for President Obama's long form birth certificate release to Trump and she can't mention the POTUS in this, something much larger?

    1. Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Palin knows that as a Muslim, Obama only killed bin Laden so that he could absorb his power.

      There can be only one!

    2. dr_giraud

      Interviewed on WBBM-AM Chicago, Ill. Sen. Mark Kirk congratulated US soldiers, US intelligence, and "our Pakistani allies" but made no mention of Obama.

      Christ, what an asshole.

      1. Jukesgrrl

        I'm sure a notice has already gone around. That's what they got Rinse Preemie for.

      2. WhatTheHolyHeck

        I hate this flaming turd more than the fire that fails to consume it. I finally had to blacklist his emails after his last push-poll.

        Should we go with the Republican budget that will save America and give each natural-born citizen a free unicorn foal, or the president's budget that will consume us all in molten magma and usher in a new epoch of Satan's rule on earth?

    1. chascates

      flabastida Fernando Labastida
      Rep. Peter King, Republican of New York, giving "full credit" to Pres. Obama for a successful operation on CNN.

      This won't last long.

    1. DahBoner

      Bush, Cheney & Rumsfeld: Why ain't they trading a pack of cigarettes for their lives in prison?


  26. Guppy06

    "Oh, you guys are still up? Barack Obama isn’t. He’s sleeping. Like a badass baby."

    Like hell he is! He's banging Michelle like a boss!

    1. anniegetyerfun

      May they be knocked up by tomorrow morning. More Obamas! As long as there is no Planned Parenthood in Washington DC, near the black peoples, that is.

      1. Limeylizzie

        How great would that be? A new Baby Obama and the killing of Osama would mke his poll numbers very, very good!

  27. anniegetyerfun

    Some of my wingnut friends are reporting that bin Laden's body will be "treated in accordance with Islamic law." I can find no proof that anyone has suggested this, but it's a great way to freak Sharon Angle the fuck out.

  28. Barb

    Bin Laden arrives in hell and finds out that his promised virgins are all hairy dudes. Sucks to be you!

  29. Barb

    Hitler and Bin Laden both die on May 1st. Hopefully, their anniversary cake in hell is a Fudgey the Whale Caravel ice cream cake.

    1. chascates

      I'm trying to come up with a funny rejoinder but got stuck. It's the Old Weller.

    2. Fukui_sanYesOta

      Hmmm. It's hell, so maybe the anniversary will be eternity by the ball pool in Chuck-E-Cheese listening to squealing children whilst waiting for a sausage pizza.

  30. donner_froh

    Not that it is unexpected but these Fox assholes really do hate anyone who isn't just like them. And you can tell they know the "Bush did it" crap just isn't going over.

  31. fuflans

    also: i made a joke about barry's bad dad pants earlier this week.

    like donald trump, i was pwnd.

  32. El Pinche

    The Breitfarts are desperately clicking thumbs-down and sobbing like little bitches right now. "YOU GUYS AREN'T CLICKING FAST ENOUGH HURRY UP *BOO HOO* OH GOD , I HATE MY LIFE!! *CLICK* *CLICK* *CLICK* "

  33. BklynIlluminati

    So here is a pure i love and so proud of our country moment. AMERICA FUCK YEAH!!! We now return to our normal programming of unadulterated snark

  34. chascates

    BBC reports Pakistan was not told of the operation until after it was over with. Which is probably why it succeeded.

    OK. So can we now blow off the remaining al Qaeda gang (estimated to be 100 recently), the hell with the Taliban, and just get the fuck out of Afghanistan & Pakistan??

    1. CrankyLttlCamperette

      Wouldn't that be nice? I mean, I'm not counting on it, but it would be so nice to have my friends home again…

    2. MadBrahms

      BBC is also reporting no response from the Pakistani government, either from Zardari or from anyone else. The ISI must be going *insane* right about now, regardless of their involvement, which might not be so minimal.

      (Keep in mind, of course, that the Indian press loves to make a game out of chasing after Pakistani shadows) http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/world/us/Bin-L

  35. EdFlintstone

    Real spontaneous patriotism is so much better than the artificial, republican stage crafted made for TV kind.

  36. Barb

    I'm drunker than Cooter Brown right now, so forgive me. How many times during the Bush administration did people in DC, or anywhere else, ever gather at the White House at midnight, or anywhere else to cheer anything the POTUS ever did? Just curious….

    1. fuflans

      i know me too and i was thinking we were like egypt and libya and tunisia.

      only then i remembered we KILLED somebody which is not necessarily the same thing.


    2. Fukui_sanYesOta

      Barb, I love ya and I'm as drunk as, well, me, but there was a time when people gathered outside the White House and cheered during the Bush admin.

      When he was deposed by Oninja.

      1. Barb

        I love you more and I am drunker. I'm going to have a few more drinks and then drunk dial you. "I love you!" "You made something of yourself, like Obama" "I hate that cunt, Palin" "I hate Bobby Flay" "Who was fired on The Celebrity Apprentice tonight?" "I gotta go, Domino's is here"

        1. Limeylizzie

          You are wise to hate Bobby Flay, my step-daughter-who is only 10 years younger than I am-is a food-stylist on one of his shows and he is "difficult".

    3. undeterredbyreality

      Wot? You don't remember the "Mission Accomplished" Codpiece Cotillion? It was estimated at 200,000 or more, and spread from the White House to the Lincoln Memorial, lasting weeks.

      Never forget.

    4. ttommyunger

      Your post makes me wish I was still a drinking man, Barb. Makes me wish I was young again since I have no fucking idea who Bobby Flay is, also, too.

  37. proudgrampa

    Wow. Just wow. What a great moment for the US. Obama's speech was the definition of class. I am glad that this chapter is over.

    Now, can I haz a job, please?

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      No, you may not. You'll have to wait for a Republican president to trickle down upon you.

    2. chascates

      Didn't you just move here to Texas for a job? What IS IT with people like you?

      1. proudgrampa

        That was a consulting gig, Chas. I finished my projects about a month ago and moved back home. I would like to say that I love TX, except for the heat and the humidity.

        I spent several months in San Antonio. I already miss the River Walk and TX BBQ.

        1. chascates

          Sorry to lose you. Texas is a foreign country and needs the help of visitors. It's been hot in Austin and since I always sweat like a whore in church I've been dreaming of Portland or someplace up northwest way.


  38. One_Man_Band

    Wha? I was watching 13 Assassins. Just got outta the movie theater and apparently I missed the whole damn thing.

  39. chascates

    — House Speaker John Boehner (R-OH): "This is great news for the security of the American people and a victory in our continued fight against al-Qaida and radical extremism around the world, ,,, "I want to congratulate — and thank — the hard-working men and women of our Armed Forces and intelligence community for their tireless efforts and perseverance that led to this success. I also want to commend President Obama and his team, as well as President Bush, for all of their efforts to bring Osama bin Laden to justice."

    1. Fukui_sanYesOta

      Eric Cantor was very similar

      Tonight, we've learned that justice has been done. The man with the blood of more than 3,000 Americans on his hands, the man who forced us to begin to think the unthinkable – is now dead.

      Families who lost loved ones at the hands of Bin Laden and his terrorist organization have grieved for far too long and this sends a signal that America will not tolerate terrorism in any form. The men and women of our armed forces and intelligence community have fought valiantly for the last decade and this is a major victory and testament to their dedication. I commend President Obama who has followed the vigilance of President Bush in bringing Bin Laden to justice.

      1. tessiee


        "he man with the blood of more than 3,000 Americans on his hands … .President Bush"

      1. MadBrahms


        Michele Bachmann will thank our "founding fathers", and then "the constitution", and then lapse into another catatonic staring fit.

    2. calibrit

      My favorite teabaggy website is carrying a dignified statement from President…Bush:

      Hey fellaz? Your guy didn't get that guy. Our guy got that guy. I mean, it's nice Bush approves and all, but it's a little like Hoover taking credit for the New Deal, know what I mean?

  40. donner_froh

    The gulf between Obama's announcement tonite and fucknutz Bush getting his photo op on an aircraft carrier is too immense for human speech to describe.

  41. fuflans

    i am so very glad my old gay supermodel cat – who's being having issues of late – outlived bin laden.

    1. ttommyunger

      I am amazed it took this many posts to put up my idea. Beaten again! (holds head in hands, whimpers)

  42. anniegetyerfun

    You know what's weird? 90% of my Facebook friends are, like, HOLY SHIT OMFG THIS IS INSANE WOW and then there are the 10% who are posting photos of their cats watching TV.

    1. Fare la Volpe

      My aunt has one better: a photo of her cat watching the Obama speech.

      Mind. BLOWN.

  43. Steverino247

    I was sincerely hoping Mr. Obama would tell us all to take Monday off to celebrate because there's no fucking way I want to go to work tomorrow.

      1. Limeylizzie

        Hey Steverino, whenever you mention your son who was wounded , I am always just brought to tears so I hope your family can celebrate and scream in the streets .

      1. Fukui_sanYesOta

        Or madam, I believe.

        A+++++++++++++++++++ – body bullet riddled as described. Delivered by military jet. Would purchase from again

        1. chascates

          You'd think I would at least drag my cursor over an avatar before posting, right? It's my age AND bourbon.

  44. Negropolis

    Not surprised about Pakistan's role in all of this. They needed Bin Laden as a boogeyman even more than the Bush administration did. Musharref in particular needed to keep Bin Laden alive in the worst way. Every Pakistani administration since has needed the threat of Bin Laden to claim legitimacy.

    1. ttommyunger

      Well, you can bet at least one Paki National has enough money this morning to fund one Helluva Political Campaign for regime change.

  45. EdFlintstone

    Greta Van Susteren on a personal mission right now to start the case for war against Pakistan.

  46. Doktor Zoom

    Does this mean we can finally stop killing the "Number 3 leader" of al Qaeda"?

    1. Guppy06

      "I am Number Two."
      "Who is Number One?"
      "You are Number Six."
      "I am not a number! I am a free man!"

    1. chascates

      Great comment there:
      Reviews: I really like this neighborhood till it got shot the hell up.

    2. Fukui_sanYesOta

      Damn. How long did that take? Three hours from rumor to pinpointing?

      I love the internet.

    3. MiniMencken

      If you can back that map off a bit more, you see how conveniently close the mansion was to the Attaboy-bad Golf Club. I wonder what Bin Laden's handicap was?

    4. savethispatient

      And to quote the Beeb: "The Abbottabad residence is just 700m (800 yards) from the Pakistan Military Academy – the country's equivalent of West Point."

      Ouch. Good work, Pakistan…

      1. MadBrahms

        The whole damn area next door is military / semi-military residences. The "Cantt" in the police station is for "cantonment", as in "this is where we keep the men with guns". His men probably got his insulin from the same drugstore as half the troops in the city.

        (Yes, yes, I'm sure he had housecalls, but just roll with the metaphor)

        1. savethispatient

          Well, that settles it, we have to punish Pakistan the only way we know will actually work: "I was glad that India won the Cricket World Cup". BOOM!

    1. Worthly[♬♪♬♪♫♪♬]Skum

      That pic is actually W discussing Pickle's pooper with Turd Blossom.

  47. DownFist Troll

    God i hope his first victory lap interview is on Fox. It'll be so beautiful to see them kiss his ass and ask for seconds.

  48. El Pinche

    For conservaturds who are angry. If you're lucky, maybe the GOP house can shit on more 9/11 first responders . Maybe that'll make you happy, you anti-American assholes.

  49. Chet Kincaid

    So this guy Obama is as cold-blooded as Michael Corleone, running around rolling eggs on the White House lawn, telling black-tie jokes, scolding people about his goddamned birth certificate, and all the while keeping a 100% lockdown on this Smoke Bin-Laden Operation for MONTHS. Looks like the way he handled the Somali pirates was just a little foretaste. And in conclusion, BARRY! BARRY! BARRY!

    1. chascates

      And I love what some of the wacky sites have headlined.
      Limbaugh: Reality TV Star Trump Forces
      Obama's Hand on Birth Certificate

      Barack H.W. Obama?
      Libs cast Obama as a 1990s' moderate Republican.

      President Obama Is Not Unbeatable
      This notion is absurd and should be dismissed by all.

    2. ttommyunger

      I JUST KNEW that skinny nigger had a razor in his shoe. I just fucking LOVE IT!

    1. Doktor Zoom

      We don't need no water, let the motherfucker burn
      Burn, motherfucker, burn.

  50. Fare la Volpe

    One thing's for sure: the soldier who put the bullet between Osama's eyes is getting some primo no-homo head in the showers tonight.

    1. TheMightyHaltor

      Unless the soldier is openly gay which – while unlikely – would be poetic justice.

  51. zappadoo76

    I know revenge is a dish best served cold, but this is overripe. I don't feel anything at all. But I am sure our President is as happy as a dog with two dicks.

  52. Negropolis

    There are reports that there are celebrations in Dearborn, Michigan, right now.

    EDIT: Yep!

    |||Detroit-area Arab Americans, Muslims rejoice at death of bin Laden; in Washington, crowd chants U-S-A!

    Muslims and Arab-Americans across metro Detroit — greatly impacted by the war on terrorism over the past decade — rejoiced at the news that Osama bin Laden was killed.

    "The world is definitely a better place without the patron of all terrorists," said Imam Hassan Al-Qazwini, head of the Islamic Center of America in Dearborn, the largest mosque in a city that has the highest concentration of Arab-Americans in the U.S. Qazwini called bin Laden "the world's most infamous thug."

    "It is so comforting to see justice being served while the families of the thousands of his victims rejoice," he said.

    1. Doktor Zoom

      It will be fascinating to see how the Islamophobes spin that.

      Oh, wait, I meant nauseating.

    2. Negropolis

      Terry Jones was here just last week complaining about Sharia Law. Eat it, Terry. Eat it and choke on your provocations.

    3. Fukui_sanYesOta

      Damn. That's the cherry on the cake. Amazing.

      Fuck you, sharia-scaremongering teabaggers.

  53. AJW@[redacted]

    I hope to fuck Michelle let Barry enjoy a celebratory Kool out on the West Lawn, or whatever lawn, tonight.

  54. Fukui_sanYesOta

    Not for the faint of heart, and a huge image, but here's an alleged image of OBL having been shot through the head a couple of times.

    Never mind, it was an old fake.

      1. Fukui_sanYesOta

        It was originally from 2010. It's some poor shot schlub who looks like OBL.

        I found it on free republic. What can I say? You launch yourself into the pigpen, you'll probably pick up some shit on the way.

  55. Selfish_T

    "We MUST bring lots of politics into this, quickly!"

    Some of y'all have really succeeded at this. Not the greatest round of Wonkette comments tonight.

    You may begin downfisting if you must.

    1. Fukui_sanYesOta

      I'm gonna upfist you.

      Rejoicing in death isn't really the done thing, but I, as well as a lot of other people, I think, have a nasty feeling of joy knowing that this evil shit is dead.

      The politics? Well, this place is what it is. Politically aware people with a liberal bent. It's not going to be any other way.

    2. SayItWithWookies

      Yeah it's disgraceful that the Democrats should be using bin Laden for political advantage. Why, after the Republicans used 9/11 to pass the patriot act and FISA evisceration and national security letters and detaining people outside the purview of any law for no reason whatsoever in the name of protection from terrorists, that the motherfucker who actually did something about the goddamn terrorist in question would have supporters long-suffering under the shadow of hating America for some goddamn fucking reason, who would want to gloat about the biggest fucking accomplishment among the zillions of cans of worms opened by that odious fuckwit Dubya but never dealt with.

      I forget — did you have a fucking question?

      1. Selfish_T

        Hey, I agree with you. But I found it weird that one hour after the news broke some people seemed a lot more pleased about how this could somehow be bad for Republicans than the fact that we finally got bin Laden. And that seemed very Breitbart-ish to me.

        As the red-faced, ridiculous, sputtering takes from the far right continue to come out, I wholeheartedly support making fun of them, as well as any semi-applicable poop/dick jokes.

    3. ThundercatHo

      Fuck you, asshole. We are celebrating with our friends. I know that is a difficult concept for you. Go suck some hairy Breitbart balls whilst we continue our partay.

      1. Selfish_T

        You got it, buddy. I was definitely saying "don't celebrate". Or maybe I was wondering why some people were all "HA HA YOU LOST REPUGLITURDS" instead of celebrating.

    4. tessiee

      Yeah, how dare we bring politics into a political site?
      Hell in a handbasket, I tells ya.

  56. CrankyLttlCamperette

    So CNN is saying that they buried OBL at sea. How long until the wingnuts start claiming that it never happened at a…aw, crap.

    1. DownFist Troll

      what do we call fools who want proof UBL is dead? Deathers? doesn't have a great ring to it imo.

      1. ttommyunger

        No doubt saved enough for I.D. Hopefully his fucking head, on a pike, with his dick in it.

        1. tessiee

          DNA? Fingerprints? Dental records?
          We've all seen that episode of "the Sopranos", right?

  57. chascates

    A U.S. official told CNN that bin Laden was buried at sea. The official said his body was handled in the Islamic tradition, but did not elaborate.

    1. Negropolis

      Wait, so they wrapped him an in an old Afghan and dumped his dirty ass into the Arabian Sea, right? Good.

      Actually, I'd much prefer he be dropped in a volcano to prevent a Zombie OBL, but this work, too, if the sharks get to him.

    1. Fukui_sanYesOta

      You know, if society ever descends to the point where "Running Man" gets on TV, I'd throw $5 at a PPV of the Koch brothers being contestants.

  58. problemwithcaring

    It's going to be fun waking up Monday morning and listening to the teabaggy racists struggle to sympathize with a pathological religious nut who advocated killing innocents to sustain his provincial way of life…actually, no, that is pretty much what they always do and I can't stand listening to it.

  59. axmxz

    Buried at sea?!! Damn it. Someone find out which sea, so that I can pee into it.

  60. Doktor Zoom

    Happily, none of this fools the sharp thinkers at Alex Jones's site. They are quite certain that this, following on the heels of the fake long-form birf certificate, is part of a massive disinformation blitz to distract us from the REAL story, although they have not quite reached consensus on what the real story is.

    Also, several commenters note the uncanny similarity between the names "Osama" and "Obama," and seem genuinely surprised that the two names are only one letter apart..

    1. GregComlish

      Seriously, this only happened yesterday night and no details are available. You can't possibly have any solid arguments that suggest that the Osama killing was "bullshit". All you can do is reveal yourself to be innately biased against the administration.

      If I were Obama, I would deliberately withhold images of the dead Bin Laden. This will cause the idiot right-wing base to go apeshit with conspiracy theories. Then I would release the photos at a politically advantageous opportunity just to smack down the birther crowd one more time.

    1. weejee

      Pakistan got some serious 'splainin to do. The hideout hacienda was ~ 1000 yards from their Army's elite officer training camp.

  61. Limeylizzie

    I am not someone who ever wished anyone dead, well, apart from Sarah Palin, but as a New Yorker I am delighted. That day , 10 years ago, was the day I felt that I really became a New Yorker, I had been living here for about 18 months and had just been cast in my first Broadway show, we started rehearsals 5 days earlier and I was so full of love for this city. To wake up to that horror was just mind-numbing, I will never forget going to the local bodega and the Yemenis that owned it were crying and so was I and they held my hands and we all stood in the middle of the shop and sobbed together. I will never forget taking all the flowers that we received for our opening night and , together with the whole cast, putting them outside the fire station in Times Square. I will never forget the night that we performed for firemen , police and other first responders it was awesome, in the proper meaning of that word. So, this morning I am remembering all those moments and crying like a baby and this morning I am happy that someone is dead and I just love Obama.

    1. Negropolis

      I know what you mean. I don't think one should ever get using to celebrating murder simply because of who the victim was, but I do not at all begrudge anyone for celebrating what a murder of someone that has menaced the world and murdered scores of people, himself, means to he victims of these attacks. If we'd have caught him alive, well, for me, that'd have been different. But, he was killed fair and square after apparently being given the chance to surrender if reports are accurate, and I will not lose any sleep over this.

      This part of the nightmare is finally over. I keep saying it, but no one can take his place, thank god. His underlings will be with us for a while longer, and they may get a few more hits in, but the cult of Bin Laden won't ever be the same again. He was already a martyr to them; to make it official won't change that much.

      Hopefully, this coupled with the Arab spring will bring change faster than we ever could have hoped for even a year ago. Bush over-reaction to Bin Laden can never be corrected and never be justified, but hopefully, we're finally to a point where we can split the difference and where we can all learn from our mistakes.

      I'm hopeful; for my sanity, it's the only thing I can be.

  62. widget2011

    Meanwhile, Fox snewz is doing all they can to give all credit to "the previous administration". Who would have thunk it?

    1. Negropolis

      Morning Joe is trying as hard as it can to not give Obama too much credit. It's really kind of sad, but I could have expected that.

  63. ttommyunger

    Pinochet, Sadaam Hussein, Noriega, Bin Laden. Hmmmm. What do these men have in common? Would there possibly be a lesson here somewhere? No, of course not; NUMBER ONE, NUMBER ONE!!!!!!

  64. carlgt1

    the dipshit SMU students surrounding Bush's house cheering & waving signs saying "Thank You President Bush" really says it all about our idiocracy….

    1. Negropolis

      Let's put this into proper context. This is probably one of the only universities Bush can still go to, unplanned, and not get the hell booed off of campus. This doesn't say much about our idiocracy, maybe not even that much about Texas, but maybe a bit about Dallas. lol

      1. carlgt1

        actually from what I see early this morning the Repubs are starting to chant in unison "thank you Bush!" They forget his March 2002 abandonment of the bin Laden manhunt ("bin Laden is not important, he's marginalized, frankly I'm not concerned about him").

    2. tessiee

      It it makes you feel any better, he was undoubtedly passed out or hung over and missed the whole thing.

  65. Negropolis

    BTW, there is much talk of 9/11 in all of this, but I also don't want Americans to forget the hundreds of people killed between Kenya, Tanzania and the U.S.S. Cole bombing. So, so, so much death this man ordered and rendered upon this globe specifically targeting innocents. He left his finger print from Washington to Dar es Salaam, fron New York to Nairobi, and everywhere in between.

    1. Negropolis

      Probably Zawahiri, the funny-looking pediatrician that's been OBL right-hand man for quite a few years now. Hopefully, we'll find his ass, too, because we know more than we knew about Bin Laden that he's in Pakistan.

    2. magnetite

      "You are number six."

      (I hope that's the 'The Prisoner' reference you were waiting for)

    3. bagofmice

      Probably the person in the hierarchy to be determined after they discover who #2 works for.

    1. Negropolis

      So that's what pee points are for. It's all starting to make sense. Yes, yes…

  66. Limeylizzie

    They are being just vile on Breitbart, of course I was being pretty vile as well, but this is a response to my calling them unpatriotic.

    Serve your own master ya' citruslizardslut. If you are looking for consensus, head for Code Pink or Huffington or places where spineless anti-American degenerates flourish. There is nothing you can say or do that will persuade anyone that Obama is other than what he is, a narcissistic socialist with an agenda that conflicts with American values. And, as to you, on a personal level, put a burqa over your face and find some lara logan stalkerrelieve your frustration. If you had an iota of curiousity then maybe your pedantly liberalmind might wonder why there was such an urgency to dispose of the body of one of the most vile muslims in history. Wash your feet and be fruitful with yourself.

    1. tessiee


      Although I will say that this sounds springlike and refreshing.

  67. Oblios_Cap

    Great. Now the Old Guard will need to manufacture a new boogieman that causes the Redstaters to wet their beds.

  68. neiltheblaze

    I was watching the Brian Williams' coverage last night and had to turn it off when he went to his third Republican "guest" in a row and was essentially bemoaning the sad fact that poor Dubya didn't get to announce Bin Laden's death on his watch.

    He gave up on "getting" Bin Laden, Brian. Remember? No, of course you don't.

  69. ThundercatHo

    You just know that after President Cool B. Badass walked off camera he was dancing and pointing to his schlong. "YOU can suck it and YOU can suck it and YOU, Hairball Head can suck it and kiss my fine, black ass!

  70. snoopyfan2010

    Probably no surprise, but in Texas they are thanking Bush for this. Because he was the one who was directing the effort the past three years.

  71. freakishlywrong

    This is almost entirely being credited to "Obama continuing the policies of Bush, over the protestations of the far left". They, in their haste to polish the turd have completely forgotten about Bush's 2002 statements calling Osama irrelevant. Can Obamar get a fucking ounce of credit here? Jesus Christ.

    1. weejee

      It's because Lou Sarah can see the caves of Tora Bora suburbs of Islamabad from her porch. Oh, sorry freakishly, you meant the other bush.

  72. BaldarTFlagass

    Well, seems to me that if they buried him on land and the burial site became a shrine, it would be the perfect place to orbit a drone with a shit-ton of Hellfires on board.

    Has anyone asked how this affects Sarah Palin?

    I reckon they would have done this last week, but they didn't want to take away the spotlight from the royal wedding.

  73. crybabyboehner

    OK Obama killed Bin Laden. But Trump fired Gary Busey. So it's basically a draw, right?

  74. DahBoner

    Yes, it's true. Obama has an inspirational sign on his desk that says:


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