DEAD!: Liveblogging the Address By Osama Bin Laden Killer Barack Obama

  texas justice administered by kenyan

Haha, fuckface.WAT WAT WAT. Twitter is saying that Osama bin Laden is dead, and President Obama is about to address the nation. Is Bin Laden already dead, or is Obama going to decapitate him live on the air, to stick it to the terrorists who are always doing that to our hostages? You would think he would wait for sweeps week, or maybe November 2012 to do something like this. THIS IS VERY EXCITING AND YOUR EDITOR IS PLANNING TO DRINK ALCOHOL AND CELEBRATE IN THE STREETS OF NEW YORK. Wolf Blitzer is being a pussy about this, but if Twitter says it’s true, it must be. OSAMA BIN LADEN IS FINALLY DEAD. High five, diabetes or whatever did this to him.

10:38 PM — We can now report at this hour that WAT WAT WAT?
10:40 PM — But… couldn’t we have rehabilitated him?
10:41 PM — We’re turning off CNN. They are refusing to say what is happening and have somehow filled 15 minutes of air time just saying “something is happening, something is happening, I am Wolf Blitzer and am serious, so I will just let you know something is happening.”
10:42 PM — UGH, HURRY UP, OBAMA. We will assume Twitter itself murdered Osama bin Laden, just like it overthrew the government of Iran.
10:44 PM — Now CNN is reporting this. The U.S. “is convinced it has the body of Osama bin Laden.” OH JEEZ, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO WITH IT? Can we put the head on a stake near Ground Zero? THAT IS WHAT PEOPLE ARE GOING TO WANT TO DO. WATCH THE POLLS, OBAMA.
10:46 PM — Is there any way we can make George W. Bush president again for the next 20 minutes? That guy is going to be really sad he doesn’t get to make this speech.
10:49 PM — There’s going to be a long segment of “People We Lost This Year” dedicated to this guy at this year’s Terrorism Awards.
10:59 PM — “It will send a rocket around the world” — Wolf Blitzer, metaphor guy
10:59 PM — The terrorists are mad! That’s why they retaliated by taking their number one target in America offline for 10 minutes: Wonkette.
11:02 PM — People on Twitter tell us Bin Laden was killed, by America, a week ago, and did DNA tests in the mean time to make sure it was him. Makes sense. That’s why all of Obama’s speeches this week were, “Uhh, I have something really big I want to tell you guys, but I can’t! Uhh, bye!”
11:04 PM — Fox News leads the way in accuracy once again (via Tyler Coates):
WINNER!
11:09 PM — Here’s the official drinking game:
FOR EACH OSAMA BIN LADEN THAT IS KILLED: Drink 13 beers.
11:11 PM — Ed Henry is annoyed by those damn tourists shouting “USA! USA! USA!” outside the White House. Don’t you people know he is on teevee, trying to keep from releasing any actual information to his audience?
11:13 PM — Killed in a Pakistan MANSION? A mansion? OH FUCK THAT GUY.
11:14 PM — Osama was LIVING IN THE SUBURBS. We think there was a Tom Hanks movie about this?
11:15 PM — Hopefully the American bombs won’t upset his subdivision’s carpool to the cave tomorrow morning?
11:17 PM —
'But seriously, my family is important.'
Wait, Osama bin Laden was Luke Russert’s dad? #nepotism #starwars
11:20 PM — Yeah, but this is the same country that can’t even catch Osama bin Laden. OH WAIT.
11:23 PM — Seriously Obama, how did he not let this slip earlier? For example, when he was making jokes about Donald Trump last night? Or when he was releasing his birth certificate? He could have told people he actually does real things sometimes at his job!
11:25 PM — Somebody texted your editor saying Brian Williams had to leave his guest spot at the UCB Theater improv show ASSSSCAT tonight to go on the air. THAT’S how big this announcement is, folks.
11:27 PM — Chuck Todd says people are singing “We Are the Champions” outside the White House. We were just going to post that video! America is standing united again! Stick up your flags, everyone!
11:28 PM — UPDATE: That ASSSSCAT thing was apparently a joke. The texter in question is no longer a friend now, and your editor regrets this error.
11:29 PM — Obama has put off the announcement again. What a tease! Maybe he’s dressing up the body in an embarrassing costume? HAHA, HIGH FIVE, OBAMA.
11:29 PM —
Did Trump fire Osama?
That’s it! Election’s over! We can call it! Obama wins!
11:33 PM — UGH, but how could Obama kill him? He’s a secret Muslim. This makes no sense! Wingnut heads are exploding.
11:34 PM — This is actually quicker than most capital punishment carried out by America, to be fair.
11:35 PM — The leader of who? Oh, that guy. Good work.
11:36 PM — WAIT, WHAT?
Good work.
Whoooooooooooooooooops.
11:37 PM — Thanks for the Cliff Notes, Obama. We totally forgot about this war. We’ve had like seven since this all started.
11:38 PM — Al Kida? How do you spell this? Help us out, Obama.
11:39 PM — Obama calls Osama’s mansion a “compound.”
11:39 PM — Holy shit, somebody killed him on the ground? Hero time! Hero hero hero!
11:39 PM — Fireworks are going off here in Brooklyn. America, etc.! Yay!
11:41 PM — There goes your fantasy of killing Bin Laden yourselves, America’s country singers.
11:41 PM — Obama says Pakistan is not unhappy about this. Okay!
11:42 PM — “Justice has been done.” Oh shit! The movie is over! Obama is putting on his sunglasses and walking away in slow motion!
11:43 PM — “America can do whatever we set our minds to.” As long as it’s killing people, we’re really good at that. And as long as you give us a decade to get around to doing it.
11:45 PM — Hey Obama definitely plagiarized that “indivisible, America, under God” stuff. Not sure where from, but we think we’ve heard it before.
11:45 PM — But seriously, great speech, President Badass! Woah!
11:49 PM — Obama could not have put on any more sunglasses in slow motion as he walked away from that podium. Any. More. Sunglasses.
11:50 PM — So this is the first war America has won since 1945, yes?
11:51 PM — Never stop being Fox News, Fox News! This being sent around Twitter requires dedication:
STAY ON MESSAGE! STAY ON MESSAGE!
11:55 PM — Also being sent around Twitter: Obama’s face last night at the Correspondents dinner when a joke was made about Bin Laden:
Keeping it in like a badass!
This is what Obama looked like experiencing the greatest feeling of badassery in human history.
11:59 PM — George W. Bush’s statement:

Earlier this evening, President Obama called to inform me that American forces killed Osama bin Laden, the leader of the al Qaeda network that attacked America on September 11, 2001. I congratulated him and the men and women of our military and intelligence communities who devoted their lives to this mission. They have our everlasting gratitude. This momentous achievement marks a victory for America, for people who seek peace around the world, and for all those who lost loved ones on September 11, 2001. The fight against terror goes on, but tonight America has sent an unmistakable message: No matter how long it takes, justice will be done.

This has to be the most bittersweet call Bush ever received. Even more than that time somebody called him to say they were out of cocaine at a party he was going to but they had plenty of beer.
12:05 AM — So many people outside the White House! This is America’s Mighty Ducks 4. We are the champions.
12:09 AM — The Obama children are going to be on their BEST BEHAVIOR for the next few days. The guy is a little too badass to even be in the same room as for a few days without shitting your pants.
12:11 AM — Obama also reportedly called Bill Clinton tonight. Bill Clinton’s phone probably exploded from all the badass.
12:24 AM — NEW THREAD!

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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503 comments

  1. missemish

    Oh thank god, I thought I was going to have to rely on twitter for news of our Muslim extraterrestrial invasion.

          1. Callyson

            Mmm that sounds good…and have you ever tried coconut rum with diet lime Coke? Very tasty…

    1. anniegetyerfun

      The drink I am imbibing is called The Gun Stockpiler, so it's two birds with one gun/stone.

  2. ShiftyParadigm

    I love that he's doing this while "Celebrity Apprentice" is on. Take THAT, Donald.

    1. Native_of_SL_UT

      I knew they were complaining about the timing of this on Free Republic, but I thought they were thinking the timing was a convenient distraction from the forged birth certificate not at pwning Trump for two nights in a row..

    1. flamingpdog

      So he can add a bankrupt casino to bankrupt foreign policy? Aw heck, pizza and trucknutz for all our special forces that took out the asshole (bin Laden, not Trump)!

    1. Negropolis

      Oh, I do think you've won the night. You keep this up and you're on your way to winning the future, too.

  3. Worthly[♬♪♬♪♫♪♬]Skum

    Not the person I most wanted dead after this past week, but I'll take it.

  4. SorosBot

    And here I thought seeing the whiny, annoying goths eliminated from the Amazing Race would be the bad-things-happening-to-bad-people highlight of my night.

    1. undeterredbyreality

      You mean Osama? You must have been watching Fox.

      You say Obama, I say Osama,
      Let's call the whole thing off.

    1. anniegetyerfun

      "What we need to appreciate is how George W Bush MADE THIS A POSSIBILITY. Without Bush, we never would have been able to track down and kill bin Laden."

        1. anniegetyerfun

          Usama is correct – the Arabic letter is a U. It's just pronounced in such a way that could be either a U or an O in English.

    1. freddymcmurray

      I guess Usama is better than OBAMA. And oh yeah, Obama BROUGHT IT. Fuck you rightwingtards.

  5. Barb

    Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker! I am crying so hard right now. It was my dream for this to happen. Fuck you, Palin. Try to disrespect Barack Obama, President of the United States of America now, bitch!
    Bin Laden is DEAD!

    1. undeterredbyreality

      Barb–you surprise me. After all your posts and wins, you still surprise me.

      You had me at Yippee.

      1. Barb

        Thank you! I honestly thought they were going to say that Muammar Gaddafi was dead. This shocked the HELL out of me. I swear to God, I am still crying. I always said that Barack could find the means to kill this monster and peace would come to America for a brief moment of time and we could all be united in respect for one another. Sure, he will go back to being a Muslim, chimp, blah, blah, blah in a few days. For as long as it lasts, I am going to soak it in.

        1. Limeylizzie

          Hi Baby, I too am sobbing like a baby, I hope Barry puts his head on a pike outside the White House.

          1. Barb

            I will be flying to Vegas on Sunday. I hope this isn't going to affect my getting a good boobie grope by the nice security guys. I will follow up with buying two Cinnabon rolls and eating the centers out and feeling special.

        2. flamingpdog

          Barb, it's official now – you are my goddess of snark! (Sorry Sara B.) Your rapier wit (and your non-Boner tears) outshine Sara's rapeyer wit. I want to be the father of your children – all 18 of them. Please don't be put off by my small p-ness. With your guidance (and a few upfists now and again), my p-ness will grow in spurts.

          1. Barb

            Thanks for the shout-out. People, upfist Flamingpdog or you are not invited to my "white cotton panty tickle fight" between my and my dear friend, Limey Lizzie.
            Ready, set, go!

        3. Dashboard_Jesus

          while I love your posts, unfortunately OBL was NOT the monster you (and many others) may have thought him to be…he was a paid CIA operative for many, many years and then, like others before him, he turned on *US* or more appropriately his handlers…he was never tied to 9/11 except for the liars in our govt. corporation led by the criminals at Bush/Cheney, Inc. whom I might add are responsible for many, many more hundreds of thousands of dead human beings than OBL ever DREAMED of…murderer yes, monster, well maybe…one man's (or woman's) terrorist is another's freedom fighter and he is no worse (or better) than our own homegrown 'Merkan Taliban Xtain xtremists…now if'n he had access to the AWESOME Dept. of War stockpile of Weapons of Mass Death he coulda been a contender!

    2. Dashboard_Jesus

      I'm SURE $carah will find a way to be the victim again (unrequited OBL/ BHO love triangle?)

    1. Trinket

      Oh, please, that asshat fell off the wagon about three days into his presidency.

  6. karen

    Ding dong the witch is dead! The mean old witch, the wicked witch! Ding dong the wicked witch is deaaaad!

  7. Respitetini

    Bush could've done it too, you know, if he hadn't had such a hard on for Iraq.

  8. doloras

    "Bin Laden was trained by the CIA, but I guess if you're a terrorist for the US, then that's okay."

  9. Oldskool_

    Awesome. He knocks em dead in DC one night and stalks OBL the next. There's nothing he can't do.

    1. hollywooddood

      I'm sure Donald Trump and Qadaffi are both having to change their shorts right about now.

  10. SorosBot

    So it took Obama being president for two and a half years to accomplish what Bush spent seven years failing to do; sounds about right.

    1. Sparky_McGruff

      That means he should get less than half the credit, right? Like my wife says when I open the pickle jar she's been straining to open, without success, "I did the hard part for you".

  11. JoeBiteme

    I am pleased beyond description that Obama's announcement is about to preempt Celebrity Apprentice on the West Coast.

  12. glamourdammerung

    President Obama just showed yet another case of an illegal immigrant doing the jobs we do not want to do.

  13. glamourdammerung

    Though it is going to be sickening watching the Breitards, Palin, etc. siding with bin Laden against the President of the United States tomorrow.

  14. imissopus

    Fox to complain about Obama taking too much credit for Bin Laden's death in 3…2…1…

    But seriously, that's awesome news. NOW can we leave Afghanistan?

    1. fuflans

      i just heard a former bushie on NPR (pipes maybe?) saying our lesson here is that we should take the shot when we have it.

      i believe that's a clinton slam.

    1. iburl

      "This is the greatest day of my life. I'm so proud that my pushing the president has resulted in this news. The Donald would like to accept your thanks. You're welcome 9/11."

    1. Doktor Zoom

      "Thank you, American men and women in uniform. You are America’s finest and we are all so proud. Thank you for fighting against terrorism." @SarahPalinUSA

      The cunt couldn't bring herself to mention the guy who gave the orders.

  15. SorosBot

    Hey we're back! How did you break Wonkette there, Jack? Or is it just that there's too many people reloading at once?

  16. Redhead

    Screw the live decapitation – I want a live video feed of the teatards' heads exploding as they realize NOBAMER, a BLACK man and secret muslin nazi, killed Nosama, a brown muslin terrorist (in 1/4 the time it took Bush to not do it).

    1. flamingpdog

      If the invisible hand of the free market were signed up for Wonkette, you would have another upfist.

    2. Doktor Zoom

      I'm sure we'll find out how it proves he's morally weak. Even odds on "He just did this to distract from the questions about his birf certificate."

  17. imissopus

    If it was Bush he's already have OBL's head dangling from the flagpole on the White House roof. This proves that Obama is morally weak.

  18. HempDogbane

    Breaking: Killer tornado claims one more victim; house dropped on bin Laden. Surprise ending for hated terrorist; found to wear striped socks.

  19. mayor_quimby

    Chuck Toad didn't even have time to put his contacts in, he takes them out when he blows guys for plausible deniability.

  20. DerrickWildcat

    ATTENTION!
    Wolf Blitzer has told me (And possibly you) that this will be one of the defining moments in your life. One of the, where you were and what you were doing things in your life that you will remember forever.
    Like when Kennedy was stabbed, 9/11, when, "Joey" was canceled or the first time a girl talked to you without throwing up.
    I want everyone right now to look around at your surroundings and maybe punch yourself in the face, hit your dick with a hammer, (ladies too) break a prized possession or set something on fire…something that will help you remember this event for the rest or your life.

    1. SorosBot

      Let's see; I was playing New Super Mario Brothers Wii, and took a break to see if the latest Game of Thrones episode was, uh, available yet and at the same time checked some blogs and suddenly, Holy Shit.

    2. undeterredbyreality

      I was watching "The Queen" and paused it for a smoke and to check the news. Smoking. Drinking. Watching Netflix. Never forget.

    3. fuflans

      i was in a play and forgot to turn off my phone and got txt'd so i probably will remember this for a long time to come.

  21. BklynIlluminati

    This all feels so strange, I'm happy and sad at the same time. It feels very raw I MISS MY FUCKING TOWERS GODDAMMIT

    1. Callyson

      I know. Every time I see them, in a movie or something, I still grit my teeth…but perhaps now I will be able to follow that reaction with a deep breath and a smile.

    2. PocketsTheClown

      Tell 'em, B-Ill. Riding the PATH train through a hole in the ground pissed me off every single time. You tell 'em.

    3. Dashboard_Jesus

      personally while I mourned the tragic loss of human life I can't shed a single tear for the loss of any of the MONUMENTAL phallic symbols that ALL skyscrapers represent for rich (mostly) white men who have serious *issues* with the size of their little dicks…fuck 'em all

  22. ms_mcgee

    Huh. It's exactly eight years to the day from when Bush declared "Mission Accomplished." So close G Dub, so close.

    1. mayor_quimby

      WOW, holy shit. That is insane..
      I forget, at the Mission Accomplished event, we didn't have Sadaam yet, correct? (boozy memory)

  23. rambone

    I hope our Muslin-in-Chief allows himself a "Allah Hakbar" or two, during his address.

    1. DahBoner

      First thought when W heard the news:

      Nooooooooo! Ya killed ny bid'ness partner! Now, how am I going to betray America while making a profit doing it???????????????????

  24. AnAmericanInTO

    I think my mother in law picked the wrong day to tell me that Obama was the "worst president in US history."

  25. Extemporanus

    Jesus fuck! Obama killed it last night even harder than I thought!

    Kebabs for all my friends! (Seriously. I'm grilling them…er, burning them right now…)

    1. mayor_quimby

      That was fuckin' gangsta. As I said, I just want to see him rap the podium with his dick, slam the microphone down and walk outta the room.

      1. Doktor Zoom

        Wow. As a rationalist, I realize that the odds aren't that long, at 1-in-365-and-a-bit (leap years, ya know), but as a former Catholic that does sets off the old "can't just be a coincidence" reflex.

  26. FlipOffResearch

    Pakistan? After his little campaign speech on the eve of the 2004 election, I have always thought he was tending goats in the foothills of Crawford Texas.

    P.S. no god damned login button, again. So, I might copy and paste this, if I can trick fucking intense debate into giving me a login button.

  27. imissopus

    Hey remember like a week ago when Ken was all "I don't want to ruin the surprise but next week is going to be fun" and then the ads for that Larry Flynt book showed up and we all assumed that's what he had been talking about? I think you all see where I'm going with this…

    1. CalamityJames

      Are you saying Larry Flynt was hired by Ken to track and kill Osama?

      Yeah, me too.

  28. Barb

    "How's that hopey, changey thing working for you now?"
    ~Sarah Palin

    Pretty fucking good! Thanks for asking, bitch!
    ~Barbara_I

      1. Barb

        I applauded so much that my ears are ringing. I wish I had fireworks right now. I would go out and set them off and dance in the streets, after finding the sash for my robe first, natch! (or not)

  29. undeterredbyreality

    I found a new drink! I'll name it the Opoma Martini! Gin & Pom. Yummy!

  30. Polythene_Pam

    Dammit – I was finally going to give up and watch the "Royal Wedding Recap" on Fox, but now it's been preempted for this stunning news

    1. undeterredbyreality

      Well, all you really need to do is google Pippa's ass. That's the only part worth seeing.

  31. Texan_Bulldog

    Good news, indeed. I wonder how Fox et.al. will make this bad news for Obama…because you know they will!

    1. mayor_quimby

      Put an iPhone tracker on his ass, and hit him with a laser guided missile from a Reaper drone.
      Seriously, fuck that kid. I'm going to have kids just to train them to get big and strong and beat that kid's bitch-ass on sight.
      And I will feel good about it.

  32. Negropolis

    Hallelujah! Now, let's use this as the opportunity to get back home. OMG, the possibilities are quite literally endless, now.

    Now, neither our government nor any other can hold Bin Laden over our head. If they want to scare us into submission, they are going to have to get more creative now. Back to swine flu/SARs.

  33. FlipOffResearch

    Pakistan??? Ever since Bin Laden made that little campaign speech on the eve of the 2004 elections, I figured he was tending goats in the foothills of Crawford Texas.

  34. EdFlintstone

    Wait I thought Obama wouldnt keep us safe, wasn't that the republican talking point in the 2008 campaign?

  35. hollywooddood

    Teabaggers are all over the tubes giving Bush and his codpiece credit for this.

  36. chascates

    Is this another thing Trump takes credit for? Why did Obama wait so long to reveal bin Ladin's body? Is it really him? What does it look like in Illustrator?

    1. mayor_quimby

      The kid is lucky, how awesome is that to not know WTF happened on 9-11 except through wikipedia and the web?

  37. chascates

    Osama bin Laden was killed by U.S. forces in a mansion outside the Pakistani capital of Islamabad along with other family members, senior U.S. official tells CNN.

  38. Badonkadonkette

    Add this to the list of things GWB was unable to accomplish in eight fucking years.

  39. Negropolis

    Mission Accomplished, bitches! Stick that in your pipe and smoke and then subsequently choke on it, Dubya.

  40. memzilla

    That high-pitched whistling sound is either The Donald's presidential hopes, or the Rethuglican "Dems are weak on defense" meme.

  41. Andrew Drinker

    No snark here, and it may not get the most upfists, but:

    Osama bin Laden dead? GOOD. He was an American-murdering no-good motherfucker.

    A-Drink OUT! (time for vodka shots!)

    1. fuflans

      and now 29 others.

      we aren't actually all snark all the time. just mostly and when we can be most obnoxious.

  42. Mahousu

    Is this why Obama released that "long-form" birth certificate last week? To keep the press distracted while this was going down? Huh, that might even be true.

    1. mayor_quimby

      Legen – Dary
      "haha, yeah, here's the birth cert, but i have my dick 2 feet deep in Osama's ass, and he's not going to make it to Monday"
      Barack Obama

  43. LetUsBray

    Now is not the time for shameless partisanshhhhhhhahahahahahahahaha SUCK IT WINGTARDS AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

    Obama 1
    Cowboy Caligula 0

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  44. FlipOffResearch

    Oh, the BrieTards are probably going apoplectic trying to figure out how to prove that this shows that liberals hate America, or Obama is a socialist.

    1. Negropolis

      Do I get cool points taken away if I tell you I was waiting to see NeNeLeaks choke the shit out of Starr Jones?

      1. Barb

        Yes, but Miss Latoya may be back. She looks amazing for a woman in her early 60's. Yeah, I was watching, so sue me.

  45. salt_bagel

    No, Bin Landen wasn't Tim Russert's dad, Yakov Smirnoff was. Or wait, are you saying that Yakov Smirnoff is Bin Landen?

    1. Jukesgrrl

      I don't think "I love this country" and "Death to America" means the same thing.

    1. SorosBot

      Hopefully most bosses will be understandably tolerant of their office drones showing up hung over.

  46. SayItWithWookies

    So with the bailout in 2008, socialism saved capitalism. Then it saved GM and Chrysler. Then the liberal cleaned up Iraq, paid attention to Afghanistan, stopped the bleeding of unemployment, got healthcare reform passed, and has now killed osama bin laden. Once more, a liberal is cleaning up behind the elephant. Imagine what the liberal could do without the damn elephant to pick up after all the damn time.

    1. Veritas78

      This comment should be the header for Wonkette and, indeed, the entire Internet.

  47. gullywompr

    Hey pathetic d0wnfister, how fucked do you feel right now that you are driven to Wonkette to express your anger at this celebratory event?

    1. Callyson

      I take that downfist as a compliment…you know what FDR said about welcoming their hatred
      :-)

  48. chascates

    Fuck you downfisters! Is your life so hollow you spend your time on this rather than drinking? May George W. Bush soon join bin Ladin!!!

  49. Negropolis

    Theoppositeofupfisters is really going to town, right now. So, I've given everyone an upfist as quickly as he or she or they have tried to take them away. And, we shall rise up with fists….

    BTW, suck on it, Bin Laden, you evil-assed, murderous jackal.

    1. fuflans

      ain't no way poor sad troll is going to have any luck tonight.

      and i mean that in all ways possible.

  50. EdFlintstone

    Somebody needs to start printing this bumper sticker.

    Thank me, I voted for Obama.

  51. Limeylizzie

    Apparently they are making phone calls to Congressional leaders ,I bet Boner has a giant pantload.

    1. Jukesgrrl

      And he's already plowed through a whole box of Kleenex and a bottle of Johnny Walker.

  52. memzilla

    Drudge can't bring himself to use the siren, since this doesn't help the right wing.

  53. bokononista

    Bachmann and company just had their party buzz-killed: They thought Obama, not Osama, had been killed. Party on!

  54. anniegetyerfun

    Today, we are all diabetics killed in a CIA raid on a Pakistani suburb.

    Wait, fuck that. Just diabetics in a suburb.

  55. Warpde

    Time for America to go on a week long drinking binge.
    You all deserve it.

    edit: Looks like Downfister is back. What's he upset about?

  56. Negropolis

    Folks are massing at the north gates of the White House celebrating. Cah-razy night! Chants of USA! USA! ringing out.

  57. aguacatero

    How did Trump have time to fly from the WHCA Dinner to Islamabad to carry out this operation?

  58. squirmisher

    This just goes to show you, if you want something done right go to an undocumented worker.

    1. anniegetyerfun

      Well, on one hand, a brown guy is dead. On the other hand, he was a diabetic grandfather.

  59. SorosBot

    Yeah, an actual capture and trial would be better; but this is still pretty damn good, it's a big fucking deal.

  60. undeterredbyreality

    Speaking of the hot FLOTUS, did you see the pix of her at the Correspondent's dinner? She's looking hotter every day!

  61. Naked_Bunny

    How do we know it's Osama bin Laden? Did he have his long-form birth certificate on him?

  62. obfuscator2

    g.w. bush, chicken hawk cheney, rumsfeld = 0
    nigger socialist kenyan muslim president = 1

    suck my liberal cock and suck it hard, fuckers.

  63. SorosBot

    Finally speaking, yes!

    Also, I'm shocked that BobSalem, di_da and their friends haven't come to troll this thread; they must be crying that Obama was the one who did this and working up their next conspiracy theory right now.

    1. Barb

      The trolls will show and they can downfist until the cows come home. It doesn't change the fact that the 6'9", dialysis needing, monster is dead!

    1. Barb

      And I want to watch, hoping that you will invite you sister over to help in any way I can. Think of us as the USO, serving our country.

        1. HistoriCat

          Ladies, some of us have to go to work tomorrow – we can't be staying up all night imagining that kind of hotness.

          So please take notes, pictures, videos … whatever is available.

    2. SorosBot

      And I've always wanted to do the same with his wife, maybe we should arrange some sort of sex party.

  64. chascates

    SarahPalinUSA Sarah Palin
    Thank you, American men and women in uniform. You are America's finest and we are all so proud. Thank you for fighting against terrorism.
    5 minutes ago

        1. Negropolis

          Honestly, she's so irrelevant, it's not even funny. And that she can't find the words to say Barry's name tonight is all that I need to know.

    1. Naked_Bunny

      Sarah Palin is like that Rob Schneider "makin' copies" skit. It was kind of amusing at first, but then it just got pounded into the ground.

  65. bokononista

    Oooo, the camera moving in as Obama starts in speaking about the killin' makes this intimate, though stern. Am I entranced?

  66. Limeylizzie

    Jeesus, he was totally involved every step of the way. Fuck you downfisting turd, we won!

  67. Negropolis

    "Bin Laden was not a Mulim leader, he was a mass murder of Muslims."

    Tell 'em, Barry! Tell 'em!

  68. Barb

    Today is the 8th anniversary of W's "Mission Accomplished" declaration. Hey Bush, 2011 is the REAL Mission Accomplished!

  69. FlipOffResearch

    Well that was fun, I was logged in for a while. Fuck intense debate, they are my Bin Laden. Fuck intense debate.

    1. Jukesgrrl

      They announced earlier today the honeymoon was unexpectedly postponed and he's headed back to work. Maybe all long leaves were canceled? Great Britain has to be worried about retaliatory strikes. And everyone else, too. Although I'm not counting on the TSA to save us.

  70. SayItWithWookies

    Fuckin'-a. Light one up on the roof of the White House, Mister C-in-C. I feel like we're starting to wake up from a ten-year-long nightmare.

  71. Negropolis

    Let's not get silly, now. Everyone knows that Bin Laden was mostly a boogeyman. No one is under any illusions that this is over. But, symbolic victories are still victories, and this was an important one. If this was really an Emmanuel Goldstein moment, he would have "escaped" again.

  72. Callyson

    Congratulations, Mr President. As your veep would say, this is a big fucking deal…

    1. Naked_Bunny

      Yeah, but this is definitely gonna hurt his popularity among violent, right-wing religious extremists.

      1. Negropolis

        Sure will. They hate it when the other side sticks their foot in their territory.

  73. Citizen Kitteh

    "Holy shit, somebody killed him on the ground? Hero time! Hero hero hero!"
    Jason Bourne?

    1. imissopus

      Matt Damon must have gotten fired up after Barry tweaked him last night. If only Bush could have criticized Ocean's 11, bin Laden would have been dead nine years ago.

  74. pinkocommi

    Hip, hip hurray! Bin Laden is dead! The war on terror is now officially over! Oh, wait… nevermind. He is dead, though.

  75. imissopus

    I do hate these scenes of people outside the White House cheering and jumping around and waving flags. For Chrissakes, we didn't just win the Rose Bowl.

    1. undeterredbyreality

      Yes, it's immature and inappropriate and jingoistic. But I don't care. Obama needs some love–let him have it.

  76. EdFlintstone

    I'm sure our conservative friends are shocked that Bin Laden wasn't killed in Iraq.

    1. anniegetyerfun

      Where they found him hiding in a hole? Happened a while ago, get with it, libtard.

    1. Naked_Bunny

      You can see why they'd prefer to pretend the president is completely uninvolved with these things.

      You know, aside from Obama's race.

  77. BklynIlluminati

    I want to go into Manhattan right now. Brooklyn any excuse to use fireworks.

    1. Limeylizzie

      There is some yelling in the streets here in Harlem, but that could just be a drug deal gone bad

  78. crunk4jesus

    I don't know. Timing seems suspicious, killing him while Obama was president and all.

  79. anniegetyerfun

    I was sort of hoping we would have a chance to drown him in pork sausage and bloody tampons, but maybe that's just me.

  80. obfuscator2

    millions of corpses, billions of dollars, etc., all to kill a goat herder on kidney dialysis in a cave. i guess it's kind of gratifying, but it's just one more dead brown person to make us feel better. fuck it.

    1. Negropolis

      This killing gives us less excuses and fewer reasons to be over there. For that, I'm thankful. That is what I'm primarily celebrating, and it is for that that I am thankful, tonight.

    2. ManchuCandidate

      Why do you have to inject reality into this celebratory time?!??! Are you some kind of downfister who apparently hates US America??!??!?! Huh??

      Of course you're right. And it makes me angrier that the US America military could have nailed this motherfucker at Tora Bora almost 10 years ago if W and his gang of incompetents hadn't had a major hardon for Iraqinam.

    3. GhostBuggy

      This is what has been weighing on me tonight. In the name of combating terrorism (not necessarily OBL, but he's certainly the major component in the overall context), we have dropped bombs on children and refer to it as collateral damage. I am haunted by that every time I see a piece of war news, including this one.

      That's been labeled as cynicism, but I don't know what else to say. What do you call the only real reason to celebrate in this country being a killing of a terrorist? And, of course, the world will not miss OBL. And the reality is, this was the only justice to come, as it would probably have been near impossible to get his ass anywhere near a court room. I guess what I'm saying is, I absolutely cannot relate to anyone who isn't conflicted about this whole bit of news. Also, that I've quite a bit of vodka already (I mean, this is Wonkette, for God's sake).

  81. chascates

    Most 'tard comments are that the body has been on ice and Obama will probably not thank GWB as he should.

  82. JoeHoya

    I'm pretty sure John King is drunk right now. Someone from CNN must have pulled him out of a bar.

  83. anniegetyerfun

    "I don't like the way he said 'Under God.' I don't think he really meant it, because he is a Muslim and they don't believe in God."

  84. G. Friday

    You know if he said "Sorry, Jesus" a second before he died, he's in Heaven, and there's nothing you can do about it. You're just going to have to stand awkwardly next to him at Heaven parties.

  85. Guppy06

    Just saw someone waving a Bush/Cheney sign in the White House crowd on CNN.

    And am I the only one who thinks it's kinda tasteless to be wildly cheering the death of someone?

    1. GeneralLerong

      Fuck tasteless. Dude was a mass murderer.

      I plan on cheering wildly when Cheney bites it, too.

    2. SorosBot

      Normally, yes, but there are a few exceptions. Nixon was one, McVeigh another, and bin Laden big-time.

  86. imissopus

    I kept thinking of the asshole cop yelling "Hey where you think you're going, Shaft?" And Shaft responding "I'm going to get laid!"

  87. Warpde

    The Pres had better call for a National Holiday tomorrow cause nobody in America is going to bed tonight and the ones that do show up to work are going to be pretty damn drunk and tired.

  88. Steverino247

    My younger son, who still has a 7.62mm bullet in his head, courtesy of this bastard's activities, was very pleased indeed to learn it was a military operation that put a bullet in Osama's head.

    What is not so widely known is the plane that hit the Pentagon hit the Army portion of the building and they kind of take shit like that personally. I'm sure we'll find out eventually who carried out the operation, but my money's on someone wearing US Army on his uniform.

    Oh, and fuck you W.

    1. chascates

      Our thanks to your son for his service. I hope he sets off every metal detector and tells how it came to be although I'm pretty sure he feels he's not a hero.

      But he is.

      1. Steverino247

        He's certainly mine. He's got good days and bad ones, but he's here and Osama bin Laden isn't.

        And while I'm sure the incredible people who saved his life (on Army pay) don't see themselves as heroic (or posting on Wonkette anytime soon), the efforts made were worthy of my undying thanks. Because of the Internet, I've had the opportunity to thank them by e-mail or in person. I once told his Army neurosurgeon at Walter Reed/Bethesda ("Joint" applies to medicine, too) that he wasn't being paid enough. His response: "I have other motivations."

    2. GeneralLerong

      Somehow a thumbs up to you and chas seems….pathetically weak.

      And fuck Cheney and Rumsfeld, too. If only they'd croak this coming week, we'd have a trifecta of justice.

  89. Pragmatist2

    You know that somewhere in the bowels of that dungheap called the Republican Party, there are people right now insisting that this is not credible unless Obama had driven a stake through Bin Laden's heart in the Oval Office on national TV. They will not be satisfied with the long form Death Certificate.

  90. memzilla

    The gun that fired the shot into the Chief Goatfu**er's head has to go to the Smithsonian.

    The guy that fired the shot has to get the Medal of Honor.

    I want OBL's mass-murderering penis cut off and displayed in the WTC Memorial where people can spit and piss on it.

  91. mayor_quimby

    So, The Unit is kind of real, that is awesome. In my mind, The Black President from 24, left office, joined the military, and hunted down OBL and shot him in the fuckin chest.
    This goes to prove, if you want somebody shot, hire the Black President (in fiction and real life).

  92. Negropolis

    If you think we went into Afghanistan and turned it upside down simply to find Bin Laden, you're probably the last rube. I was, still am, and will forever be against nation-building, there. I've been calling forever for us to get out of there, even while some tried to push this as the "right war." Tonight, this allows us a better excuse to get out.

    I am not so much celebrating his death – though if someone was a victim of this guy I wouldn't blame them – as I am celebrating the fact that if we play this right, this can be an out for us, out of that hell-hole of a region.

    I guess you're the one that's missing the point. If you think you have some blind patriots up in here chanting USA! for no damned reason, you are sadly mistaken.

    I am so damned tired of folks that have made cynicism their personal religion.

    1. Naked_Bunny

      I am so sorry to interrupt your happy dance by putting it into a little perspective. I will delete it immediately so it does not continue to offend your delicate eyes. Please enjoy your symbolic victory.

      1. Negropolis

        No, you're deleting the comment because you're a coward. If you believe in what you wrote, own it. You don't need to worry about my eyes; they are far from delicate. You are still trying to gloss over the reasons I gave for why someone may feel like celebrating, but I really couldn't care less.

  93. SorosBot

    And now the switch to the local news; I bet they'll find some way to give a local angle on Osama's death (and that applies to all of your local news too).

    1. SorosBot

      ..and it's coverage of the reaction of the Phillies' crowd when the Jumbo-tron announced the death; that didn't take long.

    2. anniegetyerfun

      Learn how a local man whose parents are from Pakistan, THE VERY COUNTRY IN WHICH OSAMA BIN LADEN WAS FOUND AND KILLED, feels about this major event. Also, about football, as he is a teenager who plays on his high school football team.

    3. Doktor Zoom

      Osama bin Laden is dead. And something in YOUR OWN KITCHEN could KILL YOUR CHILDREN! Find out what it is, tonight at 10!

    4. predilectrix

      So, speaking of the arid, inhospitable conditions in which bin Laden lived, what's the 3-day forecast look like?

  94. chascates

    From Dr. Orly Taitz, Esquire:
    There were rumours that U.S. has the body of Osama Bin Ladin for quite some time and will wheel it out, when a perfect diversion, perfect crisis is needed. Our court hearing is scheduled to start in just a few hours. Major networks are supposed to be there with cameras rolling. Suddenly, Obama announces that the body of Osama Bin Ladin is found and we need to prepare for a possible terrorist act. Perfect timing!

    1. Jukesgrrl

      I know, he's had the body all weekend, but he was just waiting for The Apprentice to come on.

    2. memzilla

      I don't have time to do it but it would a picture of this woman with caption "SHAMEZ? I HAZ NONE!"

  95. whiskeybaby

    The worst part of this is that it seems to have revived the phrase "war on terror." Stop saying it, CBS! Jesus, we'd all forgotten about that war.

    1. mayor_quimby

      Who converted to Islam while on active duty. And was an anchor baby who earned HER citizenship while serving.
      Fuckin Winnage!
      Time to go shoot my guns in the air, like I just don't care.

    1. mrblifil

      I was in Park Slop on my rooftop watching the aftermath of the second tower collapse. Right behind Limeylizzie…as it were…

  96. chascates

    The Presidential Daily Briefing of August 6, 2001, "Bin Ladin Determined to Attack in US," contained the following text: "FBI information indicates patterns of suspicious activity in this country consistent with preparations for hijackings or other types of attacks, including recent surveillance of buildings in New York." [See it @ http://www.9-11commission.gov/report/911Report.pd... - PG 260]

  97. Pragmatist2

    Killing Osama Bin Laden and preempting Donald Trump's show in one evening????
    Was this a pilot for a spinoff "24: With a Black Guy"???

  98. Jukesgrrl

    Yeah … "I gave the order." But, imagine, he was able to say that without costumes or props.

  99. BklynIlluminati

    I was late for work, which is on Wall Street, drinking and hanging out watching football the night before saved me from ever even getting on the train that morning.

  100. donner_froh

    While chuckling at Seth Meyers and prodding Donald Trump last night, Obama must have been thinking "You think this is fun–tomorrow is going to really fuck you up".

  101. anniegetyerfun

    "Hey Obama definitely plagiarized that “indivisible, America, under God” stuff. Not sure where from, but we think we’ve heard it before."

    Chuck Norris, duh.

  102. Barb

    Would you want to be someone who has to face Barry in the debates? Palin can't recycle her:
    "I guess a small-town mayor is sort of like a ‘community organizer,’ except that you have actual responsibilities."

  103. obfuscator2

    blah blah blah let's just keep murdering the brown people because it makes us feel better.

  104. chascates

    Former President George W. Bush, who was in office at the time of the Sept. 11 attacks and famously said he wanted Osama bin Laden dead or alive, said on Sunday the death of the al Qaeda leader was a "momentous achievement."

    "The fight against terror goes on, but tonight America has sent an unmistakable message: No matter how long it takes, justice will be done," Bush said in a statement.

      1. chascates

        You can be sure it was him due to the use of his catchphrase "war against terror.' Now he'll go back to bed and dream of leading the cavalry to save the fort from the brownz.

  105. BklynIlluminati

    Who has a giant pimphand? Barry that's who. Trump got the taste knocked out of his mouth with it and now OBL got it any one else want to pipe up?

  106. memzilla

    I was standing on 17th St and 6th Ave watching the North Tower fall, http://bit.ly/kSpTAB, killing two people I knew. My GF called me from work next door on Vesey St teling me her a**hole boss wouldn't give her permission to leave. I told her to leave. She came home, we watched TV, had war sex, then went out and tried to donate blood, but there were literally hundreds of people lined up to donate at all the hospitals.

    It was pathetic to see the dozens of doctors and nurses standing in the sun at St. Vincents, waiting for the hundreds of injured people. There weren't any. They were all blown to atoms.

    Later we walked downtown because we heard that they needed volunteers to sort through the rubble, but the cops wouldn't let us past Greenwich St. We saw 7 World Trade come down and they told us to leave.

    The two worst things of the aftermath were the thousands of "Have You Seen" posters taped everywhere. Pictures of people taken at their happiest times, weddings, bar mitzvahs, parties, graduations, their faces always smiling, and now gone. Just gone.

    The second worst thing was the smell that lingered for weeks. I can only describe it as a mix of the Devil's piss on a hot iron grate, sulphur, and barbecued meat.

    Right now New York is celebrating this bastard's death. Firefighters are marching down to The Pit. Police are on higher alert for retaliatory attacks. And there might be some. And we'll hunt their worthless murdering asses down too.

    1. Barb

      Memzilla, I was out with my daughter and purchased a $1.00 scratch off lottery ticket. I sat at my desk and saw that I didn't win. I leaned back in my chair to toss the ticket and noticed the "second chance" box and if it had an "eight" I would win $8,000.00. I about shit when I saw it. I called Chrissy down and made her go to the Lottery office with me and claim the prize. Her income tax burden would be less than mine. I gave her a thousand dollars for herself and I donated the rest of it to the firefighters in NY.

      Then the hockey season started. I sent in a postcard to the Philly Flyers for the "McDonald's Powerplay" They had that jerk Jeremy Roenick on the team at that time. I was stunned when my name was drawn and if, I won, I would get the cash. Jeremy scored a goal quickly and I got the cash. I kept the coupon for the free Big Mac meal and donated the money to the firefighters. I sent Jeremy a thank-you note and he kept sending me autographed gear to sell and donate more $$. Many people don't like him. He came through for me and I love him.

  107. HistoriCat

    David Gergen was on CNN basically saying that all the credit for this should go to W.

    Fuck David Gergen.

    BBC coverage is much better.

    1. BarackMyWorld

      And yet Reagan deserves credit for the Soviet Union collapsing even though it happened after 40 years of U.S. effort and they actually did it to themselves.

  108. ChuckieJesus

    I had the day off, couldn't sleep, turned on the television, thought I was watching some weird ass Bruckheimer movie, except it was on every channel.

    Hah, if you'd have told me back then that in ten years I wouldn't even own a television, I'd have said you were on crack.

  109. BklynIlluminati

    I know its a huge security risk, but how cool would it be if POTUS went out to the crowd at the White House? They would go nuts!

    1. Fukui_sanYesOta

      This crowd seems to be a bunch of gen-Y dipshits more interested in filming themselves being in a crowd than anything else.

  110. GeneralLerong

    Hey, Gergen, if you think Dubya deserves credit for this, is he gonna own the US economic crash as well?

  111. anniegetyerfun

    OMG, Pete King just released a statement and they read it out loud. Pete King. Why on Earth would you read anything he says out loud?

  112. donner_froh

    Dear Republican Apologists and Lackeys:

    If GWB is so responsible for killing Bin Laden then why the fuck didn't he do it while he was still President and Commander in Chief?

    Fuck you very much, fascist scum.

    Signed,

    A true friend.

      1. Naked_Bunny

        They make it sound like the US didn't have an international espionage network before 9/11/01. And I don't see how firing a lot of gay translators helped find OBL.

  113. SayItWithWookies

    Hey, it just occurred to me that this is probably the first time in recorded history that millions of people have celebrated a Nobel Peace Prize laureate killing someone. Interesting times.

    1. anniegetyerfun

      THAT JUST PROVES THAT HE DIDN'T DESERVE THE AWARD BECAUSE HE HADN'T DONE ANYTHING AND NOW HE IS A MURDERER.

    2. not that Dewey

      Unless you include Kissinger, but the sequence of events may be slightly off. Or maybe not.

  114. BarackMyWorld

    Republicans: Financial collapse while Bush was president because of Democrats. Bin Laden killed while a Democrat is president, Bush gets credit.

  115. MistaEko

    This is good news for John McCain.

    In that 2012 will make his 2008 campaign look close by comparison.

  116. BZ1

    10 years after Tora Bora, and continuous duplicity by the Pakistan Secret Service, he was there all along…

  117. fuflans

    ok so:

    1. health care
    2. financial regulation
    3. stimulus bill (every credible economist says saved the economy)
    4. 9/11 responders bill
    5. repeal of DADT
    6. other things i have forgotten
    7. osama bin laden

    i know many of us have issues with barry over many many things but i actually think he's going down in history as one of our most effective – if not best (for you, pet troll) – presidents.

  118. Fukui_sanYesOta

    Haha, they're really annoying me as well. Glad it's not just me.

    "Like, I am so going to post this video on my facebook page tomorrow! Awesome!"

  119. Naked_Bunny

    Ahmadinejad just can't replace bin Laden. Mostly because he's so hard to spell.

  120. imissopus

    I don't disagree with your points. The jingoism just makes me uncomfortable. And I remember how pissed off many of us got when we saw video of Muslims dancing in the streets after the 9/11 attacks, so one wonders how this will play in that part of the world. I'm happy we got the guy, but this shit just goes on and on.

  121. chascates

    From the Washington Examiner:
    There will also be a lot of debate over who deserves credit and how this helps Obama politically. Clearly, this will bolster Americans’ perception of Obama’s handling of national security. Killing bin Laden is an antidote to the portrayal of him as a modern Jimmy Carter, who famously had to abort a mission to rescue American hostages in Iran when aircraft got caught in a sand storm.

    It was actually mission commander Col. Charles Beckwith who aborted the mission after a helo crashed into a transport plane on the secret refueling staging area in Iran. He was right to do so as the number of copters were then at a point that any other trouble, always to be expected in an operation like this, would not be sufficient to be successful.

    1. Doktor Zoom

      I always said that were it not for a sandstorm in the desert, Carter probably would have been reelected.

      1. Jukesgrrl

        Oh, I always thought it was the lusting in his heart and the killer rabbit. Personally, I never held either of them against Jimmy. And lately I love Jimmy for how he constantly tells people that the elections he observes on behalf of the UN in third world nations are often safer and more accurate than our own (esp. the ones in Wisconsin).

  122. Doktor Zoom

    Bryan Fissure will no doubt announce that Jesus would have preferred more civilian casualties.

  123. fuflans

    royal wedding and enemy number one death in the same weekend.

    too much people. too much.

  124. Zombie_Reagan

    I would give every penny I have to watch Barry unfurl a "Mission Accomplished" banner and strut around in a flight suit.

  125. Naked_Bunny

    Well, why not? I've certainly heard the right-wing mouth breathers blame Clinton personally not killing bin Laden back in the 90s.

  126. MistaEko

    -Birth Certificate
    -Outstanding comic delivery at Press Corps Dinner
    -Biggie and Tupac reference
    -OBL dead

    I'd watch out if I were a Republican in Congress because this has Michael Corleone takeover written all over it.

  127. donner_froh

    Sorry about this, citizens of Abbotabad but Geraldo Rivera is on his way there now. It's gonna be tough but that's what you get for harboring OBL.

  128. Laughitoff22

    I bet Michelle even let him have a big piece of chocolate cake with ice cream tonight… and as I typed that, realized that could be interpreted as an innuendo. Do with it as you will.

    1. Fare la Volpe

      You know Michelle broke out the whip cream and handcuffs. Tonight's a special night.

    2. mayor_quimby

      I told my special friend that the whole country should abstain for 24 hours so that the only man in America getting sex was Pres O. (Love tha avatar)

  129. Ms Whatever

    I had just moved to Albuquerque from Chicago (stupid impulse) and heard the news on morning teevee – I couldn't process it at first, thinking, waitaminute, do planes sometimes crash into skyscrapers and I hadn't paid attention before? I heard that a plane was supposed to fly into the Sears Tower in downtown Chicago. My oldest daughter worked at a Starbucks there. Thank the goddess nothing happened in Chicago. Then Albuquerque freaked out, thinking THEY were next. I was like, wait what? This is a hick rural state. Someone pointed out the defense and nuclear research being done there. Still.

    1. not that Dewey

      That's nuts. I had just moved to Albuquerque from Brooklyn (having grown up in the Chicago suburbs and lived in the city for a while). I phoned in sick to my terrible job producing teevee ads for car dealers (they didn't want me back,after that). We sat in sad silence for several hours and then called some friends in NY.

  130. Fare la Volpe

    I know I'm quite the youngling, but hear me out. I was back in old Chattanooga, TN, and was sitting in my 8th grade English class — that day was all about pronouns. Suddenly my professor got a call on his phone, and told us all there had been an attack and we needed to go straight to the chapel. Once there the chaplain told everyone that if they needed to make a phone call to check in with loved ones they could go outside. I was too shocked to move my feet and just sort of hovered in place while the words of our headmaster washed over me. I say "hovered" because that's what it was like. I can't even remember if there was a floor beneath me.

    My adviser took all of her students into the dance department's costume room, and immediately started serving us snacks to calm us down. I can still vividly remember watching the news footage of the attack happening on her tiny little black-and-white portable TV. We may have seen the second plane hit in real time; I can't remember. Time blurred together that day.

    I asked to be excused and threw up in a bush outside. Too repulsed by the smell to stay put, I just started walking, not really paying attention to people frantically running in and out of buildings. Looking back, I realize I didn't have the emotional capacity to process what was happening, and my only response was to hide inside my own head. What else could I do, really?

    Somewhere along the way, I remembered that my father's cousin worked in the Pentagon, and I suddenly became hysterical. I knew he didn't work in the part that had been hit; I knew that. Hell, I had only even met the guy once, but the thought that anyone in my life could have been affected by this made me lose all control. I called my mother to confirm he was alright. He was fine, she assured me, but my mother — goddess that she is — was unfazed by my frantic questioning. She knew this was how I acted in the face of new, terrifying information. She remained completely calm because she didn't care about anything at that moment. All she wanted to know was that I was alright. We stayed on the phone until I calmed down and she asked if I wanted to come home. I said yes.

    Some time later that day — might have been 30 minutes, might have been 5 hours — I was sitting in her car on the long trek back to our house. She reached out a hand and rubbed my shoulder. That's the last I remember of that day.

  131. flamingpdog

    How long before Chuck Norris takes credit for the takedown of Osama and posts parts of Obama's announcement up on his web site as his own thoughts?

  132. Negropolis

    I was a junior in high school sitting through English class, and the day was just as clear and sunny as it was in New York that day (that's what I remember most) when another teacher came in and talked to our English teacher. At first it was just a quiet rumor, but then I saw my brother (two grades below me), run in and say something, but eventually the television was turned on to confirm it.

    We just sat and watched for quite some time. I fully expected the towers to burn, but never in a thousand years did I expect either of them to fall. I remember someone saying that one of the towers had fallen, and I told them it was impossible, and then I heard them say the same thing on the television and still couldn't belief it. There was so much smoke I simply thought they had caught a bad angle of the site and it just looked like the tower was gone. After that, I just started feeling ill because it became more apparent that the other one was going to fall, too.

    The lone local skyscraper in my small city was evacuated, and all the teachers were just at a total loss as to what to do. All I remember from then on after the Pentagon was hit and the Pennsylvania crash was total confusion for the rest of the day.

  133. J Rbt. Oppenheiner

    Good morning errybody! What's occurring?? OH SHIT.

    I'm a little embarrassed too say that the first stop I make after hearing any breaking news is Wonkette.

    1. mayor_quimby

      Dude, I came here first and cursed the fact that a liveblog took 30 mins to go up.
      You are not alone.

  134. SonofSpermcube

    Whew, glad that's over! Now our boys can pack up and go home! Mission accomplished!

  135. Terry

    "Is there any way we can make George W. Bush president again for the next 20 minutes? That guy is going to be really sad he doesn’t get to make this speech."

    To hell with George W. Bush and his goat roper bravado.

  136. DahBoner

    Bush didn't do diddle-squat.

    Obama killed Binding Laden with his bare heads.

    Don't mess with this bad ass mofo, ya bunch of GOP pussies!

    # THE ADULTS ARE IN CHARGE NOW

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