GOODBYE HUMANS!  3:22 pm April 29, 2011

Here Is Your Nuclear Holocaust News Roundup

by Riley Waggaman

How We Learned To Stop Worrying And Love The FukushimaIt’s been an exciting week of “news,” what with Donald Trump releasing his long-form draft card — which proves that Obama never went to Harvard — and blah blah blah. Good grief, we almost forgot that Japan’s crippled nuclear reactors are still leaking all kinds of unspeakable horrors! Even the lamestream media acknowledges that awful things such as plutonium 239 (a scary-ass isotope with a half life of 24,000 years) have been detected in places where they definitely shouldn’t be. How long do Royal Marriages last? Fifteen years, tops? Oh well. We’ll all be inbred mutants in ten years, anyway.

Here is your terrible & recent Nuclear Apocalypse News, listed in no particular order:

  • “A special adviser to the Japanese government on radiation safety resigned Friday, saying that he was dissatisfied with the handling of the ongoing crisis at the Fukushima Daiichi nuclear power plant.” [WSJ]
  • “Two robots sent into the reactor No. 1 building at the plant yesterday took readings as high as 1,120 millisierverts of radiation per hour, Junichi Matsumoto, a general manager at Tokyo Electric Power Co., said today. That’s more than four times the annual dose permitted to nuclear workers at the stricken plant.” [Bloomberg]
  • “Residents told to evacuate the area around Japan’s damaged nuclear power plant are having difficulty finding movers willing to relocate them, officials said.” [UPI]
  • “We have a dozen Fukushimas waiting to happen in America.” [Rolling Stone]

And finally: Here is famous anti-nuclear proliferation activist and physician Helen Caldicott talking about our happy-times future (massive nuclear fallout and lots of cancer for everybody). Is she just trying to frighten us, for fun? Maybe. After all, if Caldicott is a legitimate source, why doesn’t she have breaking news about Justin Bieber’s new hairdo, like the CNN Political Ticker does?

Have a nice weekend!

 
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{ 78 comments }

b[redact]opple April 29, 2011 at 3:26 pm

Justin Bieber has a new haircut?

emmelemm April 29, 2011 at 3:55 pm

That is the most perfect first comment for this post that could have been dreamt up. 1000 p-points for you.

AJW@[redacted] April 29, 2011 at 4:35 pm

If I could, I'd 'shop a donald onto bieber's head.

nounverb911 April 29, 2011 at 3:27 pm

"“Residents told to evacuate the area around Japan’s damaged nuclear power plant are having difficulty finding movers willing to relocate them, officials said.”
I'm sure there are some laid off TEPCO employees that can help.

GOPCrusher April 29, 2011 at 4:21 pm

That headline needs a subtitle of "No Shit!"

SorosBot April 29, 2011 at 3:28 pm

I, for one, am stocking up all my bottlecaps and putting more skill points into small guns; also I should be able to pick up the Sniper perk next time I level.

UpstateYorkee April 30, 2011 at 6:46 am

All those Zombies aren't just going to shoot themselves…

BaldarTFlagass April 29, 2011 at 3:29 pm

*takes off cowboy hat and whirls it around head*
Yeeeeeeeeehaaaaaaaa!! Woooooo-hoooooo!!!

widget2011 April 29, 2011 at 3:46 pm
undeterredbyreality April 30, 2011 at 1:34 am

Whaaa?

memzilla April 29, 2011 at 3:30 pm

Trump can go Fukushima himself.

Boredw/Gravitas April 29, 2011 at 3:30 pm

But, but, the royal wedding was supposed to take care of all the bad news! What happened?

CalamityJames April 29, 2011 at 3:58 pm

No nip-slip, I'm afraid. Terrible tragedy

kittenbomb May 1, 2011 at 3:44 pm

Prince William showed up with a bald spot AND giant terrifying teefs. Total turnoff.

JustPixelz April 29, 2011 at 3:31 pm

"Two robots sent into the reactor No. 1 building at the plant yesterday took readings as high as 1,120 millisierverts of radiation per hour"

In Japan this kind of radiation causes monstrous mutations; Godzilla, Mothra, suma wrestlers, etc. Soooo….

I, for one, welcome our future gigantic robot overlords. It will be like living in a Transformers movie!

baconzgood April 29, 2011 at 3:39 pm
SorosBot April 29, 2011 at 3:46 pm

Lots of explosions anywhere, with our eyes darting around too fast to see what's going on around us, and a bunch of racial stereotypes?

Or maybe it could be like the good original Transformers movie, animated with a rocking metal soundtrack; that would be much better.

MasterDebater April 29, 2011 at 3:55 pm

I would prefer to be ruled by Voltron.

Naked_Bunny April 29, 2011 at 7:06 pm

Someone make Princess Kate a pink jumpsuit!

FidoMcCokefiend April 29, 2011 at 3:51 pm

I can only hope that Megan Fox is involved.

BaldarTFlagass April 29, 2011 at 3:31 pm

I will agree to living in a post-apocalyptic nuclear death-hole in the future if I can look like Viggo Mortenson and bag all that poontang he pulls now.

CalamityJames April 29, 2011 at 4:00 pm

Ok, but you gotta drag a kid around with you.

jus_wonderin April 29, 2011 at 4:01 pm

That's two wishes. You get one more.

baconzgood April 29, 2011 at 3:32 pm

I have a feeling that the Japanese aren't telling the world the whole story on this thing.

James Michael Curley April 29, 2011 at 3:50 pm

They were'nt to forthcoming on 12/06/41 either.

Oblios_Cap April 29, 2011 at 3:33 pm

Two robots sent into the reactor No. 1 building at the plant yesterday took readings as high as 1,120 millisierverts of radiation per hour

I told you all that the Terminator movies were documentaries, but did any of you listen? Who's laughing now, fuckers?

BaldarTFlagass April 29, 2011 at 3:39 pm

A few years from now, all this, this whole place, everything, it's gone, just gone.

BaldarTFlagass April 29, 2011 at 3:44 pm

I told you all that the Terminator movies were documentaries,

Apparently, so were Silkwood and The China Syndrome

Naked_Bunny April 29, 2011 at 7:04 pm

They're sending Cher into the reactor next? She does have a protective shell.

LesBontemps April 29, 2011 at 3:33 pm

But how does this affect Sarah Palin?

lowaltflier April 29, 2011 at 3:34 pm

I am at a loss on what to do. Should I quit drinking and be prepared for the coming hardship, or continue and forget about the whole thing.

That’s right pass the bottle.

lowaltflier April 29, 2011 at 4:52 pm

Okay I just watched the video. She looks like she is enjoying herself.

Now I really need a drink.

widget2011 April 29, 2011 at 3:34 pm

Tuna meltdown please.

baconzgood April 29, 2011 at 3:36 pm

On the bright side we can start wearing those kick ass threads in the Mad Max movies.

PostApocalypse April 29, 2011 at 3:42 pm

No need to wait for the wasteland to rock those assless chaps.

emmelemm April 29, 2011 at 3:59 pm

You're shaving your head into a mohawk right now, aren't you?

RavenRant April 29, 2011 at 8:58 pm

Can I get a little grunting feral child with a razor sharp boomerang? I always wanted one of those.

V572..whatever April 29, 2011 at 3:44 pm

Hah, Rolling Stone as a reliable source of information on nuclear engineering? Next thing they'll be telling us about corrupt generals, right Stan?

edgydrifter April 29, 2011 at 3:44 pm

"Personal massage device" my ass. This Fuku-whatever thingee sounds dangerous.

weejee April 29, 2011 at 3:45 pm

Give 'em hell Helen!

SayItWithWookies April 29, 2011 at 3:45 pm

Well, homo sapiens had a good run — and out of about 150,000 years, most of it was in complete harmony with nature — hunting/gathering, lots of exercise and fresh air, no processed food. I'm betting the survivors will enjoy that sort of lifestyle.

jus_wonderin April 29, 2011 at 4:04 pm

It would have been fun to have a tail again.

GOPCrusher April 29, 2011 at 4:32 pm

Unless they find the Twinkees.

Gratuitous World April 29, 2011 at 3:48 pm

this is good news. i want to watch tv for a few more weeks, but have no interest in paying the bill

BarackMyWorld April 29, 2011 at 3:51 pm

We have nobody in Washington that sits back and says you’re not going to leak that fucking radiation on us.

James Michael Curley April 29, 2011 at 3:53 pm

We have a dozen Fukushimas waiting to happen in America.

The tea parties will vote for each of them.

GOPCrusher April 29, 2011 at 4:36 pm

Well, Ann Coulter said that radiation isn't bad for you. And the Raygunites actually floated the idea of a "winnable and survivable" nuclear war with the Soviet Union. Mitch McConnell said he didn't want to debate future American nuclear power policy while there is things going on in Japan. So nothing is beyond the realm of possibility.

OneYieldRegular April 29, 2011 at 3:54 pm

My already high anxiety about this catastrophe has just received a new mega-dose from a) the fact that Wonkette seems to be the only outlet for news on the reactor disaster anymore and b) the fact that the wonderful Helen Caldicott is still, after Godzilla, the most prominent anti-nuclear spokesperson on the planet.

OneDollarJuana April 29, 2011 at 3:59 pm

Shit, this keeps up and everyone will be able to see Fukushima from their house.

pinkocommi April 29, 2011 at 4:00 pm

By the way, I automatically upfist everyone who reaches zero. Screw you, nuclear-fallout-loving downfister!

jus_wonderin April 29, 2011 at 4:07 pm

I could write "Jesus is our one Lord and Savior" and downfister would punch. Very indiscriminate, this one.

jus_wonderin April 29, 2011 at 4:02 pm

Well, at least she'll be able to keep up with that brood.

JustPixelz April 29, 2011 at 4:13 pm

Two robots are sent into the reactor building. The first one — called Dave — says, "You ever get your claw stuck in a control retraction gear?" The second one — #9000" — "I hate when that happens."
"Look — the humans are watching from a safe distance."
"Just a sec, I can read lips. … uh huh … plutonium … uh huh … contamination … uh huh … crushed later. Holy fuck!"
Both are quiet, then one starts removing his covers.
"What are you doing Dave?"
"If I'm going to die, I want to get laid first."
"I wish I could quit you!"
They kiss. The nuclear pile glows brighter. There's a flash and they join the angels.

jus_wonderin April 29, 2011 at 4:17 pm

LOL. I do think these are the times robots will look back to when they tell their offspring…"Yes, you can have a human if you promise to feed and bathe it."

ShaveTheWhales April 29, 2011 at 10:25 pm

That is just beautiful. I didn't even know there was such a thing as radioactive robot slash-fic.. Several thumbs up.

MinAgain April 29, 2011 at 4:22 pm

Residents told to evacuate the area around Japan’s damaged nuclear power plant are having difficulty finding movers willing to relocate them, officials said.

I smell jobs bill!

4tehlulz_lite April 29, 2011 at 4:23 pm

>Nuclear Apocalypse News

Yay!

>No Skynet cleansing the earth

Boo!

ThundercatHo April 29, 2011 at 4:30 pm

News bulletin from Pat Robertson: A picture of Jeebus and his Mom have appeared on the stricken reactor. The rapture is here! Everybody hurry on over!

tessiee April 30, 2011 at 12:21 am

You first, Pat.

Warpde April 29, 2011 at 4:46 pm

“A special adviser to the Japanese government on radiation safety resigned Friday, saying that he was dissatisfied with the handling of the ongoing crisis at the Fukushima Daiichi nuclear power plant.”

Japanese people are so polite.
That's just his way of saying "Time to get the fuk out of Dodge"

Ducksworthy April 29, 2011 at 5:04 pm

We're all chicken heads now. No leaving the planet for us.

Ducksworthy April 29, 2011 at 5:07 pm

Lets see. if 1,120 millisierverts of radiation per hour is four times the annual dose permitted to nuclear workers in a year, then its also about 35,040 times as high as that permitted in an hour. But let's not be alarmist.

kyabakurabakufu April 29, 2011 at 5:19 pm

I would expect people here to be a bit more critical.
The book cited by Helen Caldicott has not been peer-reviewed. It is a translation of thousands of documents, including random internet articles. Here's the official text from the NYAS (http://www.nyas.org/publications/annals/Detail.aspx?cid=f3f3bd16-51ba-4d7b-a086-753f44b3bfc1):

QUOTE: "The earlier volume, “Chernobyl,” published in Russian, presented an analysis of the scientific literature, including more than 1,000 titles and more than 5,000 printed and Internet publications mainly in Slavic languages, on the consequences of the Chernobyl disaster. The Annals of the New York Academy of Sciences issue “Chernobyl: Consequences of the Catastrophe for People and the Environment”, therefore, does not present new, unpublished work, nor is it a work commissioned by the New York Academy of Sciences. The expressed views of the authors, or by advocacy groups or individuals with specific opinions about the Annals Chernobyl volume, are their own."
/END QUOTE

That Caldicott presents the claim that more than one million people died as a result of Chernobyl, even though it contradicts ALL peer-reviewed research on this question, as a certainty should make you skeptical. For all we know, this claim could've originated on some Russian blog. If true, it would mean that all government and UN organizations, as well as almost all scientists who have researched the effects of Chernobyl are part of some global conspiracy to make everybody die of cancer. That kind of thinking is more becoming of Glenn Beck than of most Wonkette readers, I would hope.
I mean, Caldicott says that you shouldn't eat ANY European food, for crying out loud.

ttommyunger April 29, 2011 at 8:17 pm

This is so bad I find no snark or humor possible; however, since I couldn't get into the John Stossel bit to comment, I'll mention it here: if you want a good laugh, google John Stossel, wrestler and watch him get his narrow ass bitch-slapped to the floor not once, but twice.

Mort_Sinclair April 29, 2011 at 9:47 pm

My God! Is Helen Caldicott still alive? That's great!

Now John Stossel, that piece of synthesized testosteronal shit, should have been nuked years ago. His mustache has to be a little bit like chlamydia: smelly, watery, and bit on the moldy side. ***

***sorry for the excessive clinical detail. Gotta call 'em as you seem 'em

RavenRant April 29, 2011 at 9:53 pm

I might have to convert that to 3D for the added realism and put it into a continual loop.

ttommyunger April 30, 2011 at 7:09 am

I must have a copy!

RavenRant April 30, 2011 at 9:15 pm

If I ever actually do this, you will be the first to receive a copy.

ShaveTheWhales April 29, 2011 at 10:41 pm

/snark off/

On the one hand, approx 1 Sievert per hour isn't even news. They've seen similar dose levels before.

On the other hand, 1 Sv per hour is a scary dose rate — 5 hours of exposure and you're a sure deader. Also, too, detecting this dose rate after so much time indicates clearly that there is something rotten in the state of Fukushima — either a fairly big chunk of long-half-life shit got out of containment, or there's a continuing leak, or… well, you get the idea.

On the third hand, this is really bad news, both in terms of the absolute information, and as a further example that "the authorities", whoever the fuck they are, continue to treat this as a PR problem, rather than a fucking disaster.

/snark on/

The mutational possibilities of multiple vaginas, penii, assholes, and tentacles should revitalize the hentai industry.

zappadoo76 April 29, 2011 at 11:09 pm

Thanks to Wonkette for posting this information. Today, it's mostly just comedians and crazies who tell the truth. I did, however, find one other very good source for fresh news about Fukushima here: http://enenews.com/

kyabakurabakufu April 30, 2011 at 8:02 am

"very good source"? Only if you don't believe in science or integrity…
http://enenews.com/experts-fukushima-going-kill-2

Experts are saying this? Really? Because it seems like it's just two guys, Chris Busby and Arnie Gunderson, who pulled that number out of their asses. Check out LLRC.org, which is their website. They manipulate data to fit their conclusions. Gunderson has a video that implies that the Department of Nuclear Engineering at Berkeley is saying there is uranium in the air in California. If you look closely, it's merely a link to an article posted on – you guessed it – LLRC.org, that someone posted on a public forum on the Berkeley Dep of Nuc. Eng. website. Shouldn't methods like that make you skeptical?

Again, the 200,000 number was claimed by one guy, Chris Busby, who is not taken seriously by any renowned scientist. Don't trust a source that will just repeat information only because it's scary. Do you really believe there's a global conspiracy that involves basically all tenured researchers? Most of the super scary claims about Fukushima can be traced back to Busby and Gunderson, who both have financial interests in anti-nuclear sentiment (they're activists and consultants, look up "Fairewinds Associates," Gunderson's firm). And I've already tried to explain above why you shouldn't trust someone like Caldicott who repeats entirely unsubstantiated information that contradicts all peer-reviewed research as certain fact.

zappadoo76 April 30, 2011 at 11:29 am

I trust Caldicott and Gundersen, because I have been following their work for years, and they have consistently been right, when governments and businesses, which have a vested interest in "preventing panic," have been wrong.

I understand that you are pro-nuke, but really, you don't need to slander the whistleblowers who are telling the truth about the industry you favor.

kyabakurabakufu May 1, 2011 at 7:44 am

Are you kidding me? My post is at -20 and yours at +29? That is so absurd. I did not insult anyone. I made some very reasonable observations. I didn't know you get punished here for having a different opinion.

Btw, no, I am not "pro-nuke."

Would you care to explain how pointing out that something is not peer-reviewed (that is a FACT) is slander? Also, how is Caldicott a whistleblower? The nuclear industry is a bunch of lying and negligent assholes. Where have I defended any of those people? It's not all black and white, you know. I can point out the unscientific nature of Caldicott's claims without being "pro-nuke."

kyabakurabakufu May 1, 2011 at 7:55 am

Wow. My reputation is now at -90p. Good job; I hope you're proud of yourself.

PuckStopsHere April 30, 2011 at 12:44 am

Things get much worse, that place is going to start to look like Detroit.

Negropolis May 1, 2011 at 2:25 am

So, how many millisierverts is in a Micky D's Double Quarter Pounder w/cheese? Does it go straight to your ass like calories?

When nuclear is outlawed, only outlaws will have nuclear.

Wait, wah?

FlownOver May 1, 2011 at 11:36 am

If there's corporate welfare and tax cuts in it, Dave & Charlie will be signing the papers any minute.

FlownOver May 1, 2011 at 11:42 am

Screw this. I ain't learnin' no more units of measure. "Millisierverts," my ass.

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