it's morning in america

Florida Governor Desperately Wants To Be Scott Walker, Fails Miserably

Rick & Scott!

  • Republican governors are deeply envious of union-bustin’ blowhard Scott Walker and all of his delicious campaign Koch-tributions. Especially Florida governor Rick Scott! Sometimes Rick Scott fantasizes about skinning Scott Walker and then making a body suit out of the skin, so that he can have something nice to wear for important occasions (like the Royal Wedding)! That’s how badly Rick Scott wants to be Scott Walker. And Rick Scott has tried — and repeatedly failed — to emulate all of Walker’s union-busting victories: He recently threatened to veto the budget if it didn’t include $2.4 billion in cuts to corporate income taxes and fees. (His malicious threats didn’t end up working, though!) And now there’s this: Rick Scott was unable to pass a bill that would have banned public employee unions from “using automatic payroll deduction to collect dues.” These are not the kinds of results that the Kochs are looking for. Poor Rick Scott. [Miami Herald via McClatchy]
  • Good news from the Supreme Court: “In a 5-4 ideological split, the high court’s conservatives said businesses can block their customers from using class actions. The court said the federal arbitration law trumps state laws that invalidate contracts banning class actions.” Yay! [AP]
  • Military doctors intentionally concealed (or just straight-up ignored) evidence that Gitmo detainees were being routinely tortured, according to a study that nobody will ever read. [The Independent]
  • At least one inbred prince is getting married today. Most inbred princes are not getting married today, though. Fini.

About the author

Riley is an "internet blogger." He has written for such internet websites as True/Slant and the terrible Brangelina gossip emporium "The Huffington Post." Riley lives in northeast DC, near H Street. Maybe you do too and want to hang out?

View all articles by Riley Waggaman
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    1. RadioSuperman

      Did the Queen do the Chicken Dance yet?
      Has Wills unsheathed his royal sceptre?

      Also: Note from beyond the grave from Princess Die: Wear your seat belts kidz.

      1. SorosBot

        That wouldn't be her advice, though; she died at the perfect time, when she was still young enough to be attractive and people therefore treated her as if she had some credibility despite being a useless idiot. Imagine if she was still alive today, pushing 60 and having lost her looks; nobody would pay any attention to her. She'd be Marlon Brando instead of James Dean.

        1. riverside68

          If Brando had done a Dean we wouldn't have Missouri Breaks
          If Di had done a Brando we coulda had a muslin at the wedding
          I miss the Dodi v Camillia coverage

    2. user-of-owls

      It was surreal watching 'the kiss' with a gaggle of giddy German cleaning ladies who were sorely disappointed that he didn't mouth rape the girl.

      I, on the other hand, was sorely disappointed that she didn't rip out a huge bean fart during a very quiet part of the ceremony. Ah, well, one can dream.

  1. freakishlywrong

    In England they have royal weddings. In Dumberica, we have royal fucking douchebags. I'm lookin' at you, Ricky.

  2. Serolf_Divad

    Yeah! Another win for State's Rights from the conservatives on the S.C…. oh wait… nevermind.

    For those at home keeping score :

    State laws to protect corporations and discrimination = CONSTITUTIONAL
    State laws to protect consumers and the environment = UNCONSTITUTIONAL

    1. Dashboard_Jesus

      yeah, that one was tough to call, I was bitin' my nails just waitin' for their thoughtfully considered decision…fuckin' corporate whores

  3. Barb

    If they block class action suits what we will do if we get malignant mesothelioma from the asbestos the government is putting in our tampons and the brain cancer we will get from the spy satellites?

      1. Monsieur_Grumpe

        Dear Ali Rahimi,
        I read your excellent paper On the Effectiveness of Aluminium [SIC] Foil Helmets: An Empirical Study and I am most impressed. However I have a few questions and quibbles. First of all, you did not specify on the quality of the foil. I have found from personal experience that the thicker foil will attenuate the frequencies favored by aliens in the second quadrant. FYI, the foil from used Chipotle burritos makes an excellent shield for those on a budget but the delicious orders can be distracting and sometimes attracts dogs. But I digress.
        Also, you have no mention of the grounding of the tested foil hats. I’m sure your results will be dramatically different with a quality low impedance earth ground. I look forward to your new results when you correct this unfortunate oversight. Again, speaking from experience, I would recommend grounding with 8 to 10 AWG cable that is no longer than 256.3 meters. Any longer than that and you might as well not be grounded.
        Do I smell an Ig-Nobel for you and your partner’s future? Maybe it’s the burritos. Either way, well done!
        BSEE, ASS, @#%&(@!

  4. vulpes82

    William is actually the most outbred and actually British (as opposed to Kraut) prince England's had in about three hundred years.

    1. freakishlywrong

      With luck, the "commoner" Kate, will re-introduce chins to those horsey faced royals.

        1. vulpes82

          Did you know the "Habsburg chin" is actually Polish? It was introduced to the family by a Polish Piast princess. Then, of course, they inbred themselves so that half of them couldn't eat properly a few hundred years ago. (Sick fucks married uncles and nieces more than once! Ewwww!)

    2. Limeylizzie

      I have to admit , I would like to introduce that younger Ginger Prince to the glories of an older, peasant woman.

      1. BaldarTFlagass

        I was over in Kabul when the 10th anniversary of Diana's death occurred, and when I asked my Scots and Welsh bodyguard dudes what they thought about that they went on about "that slut having it off with her riding instructor and that ginger blow-by Harry who the House of Windsor won't allow to be DNA tested." I was a bit taken aback, knew nothing about this, but what I have read indicates that perhaps my personal security detail might have have been a bit of the Albionic version of our birthers?

        1. Limeylizzie

          Well, he does look like James Hewitt, I think that was his name, he was a ginger as well and the Harry Prince person looks nothing lke anyone else in the royal family.

          1. lingin

            Check those ears. He's Charles' son. The hair color could be a recessive gene that finally got it's place in the sun.

          2. vulpes82

            You see, especially when he was younger, I thought he definitely had some Windsor in him. He just has a lot of Spencer in him, and they have a lot of gingers.

        1. Limeylizzie

          He would be fun , I bet you could get him to eat pussy for a really long time, followed by some champagne and eggs benedict, that would be a perfect Sunday morning for me.

      1. vulpes82

        The "Greek" royal family are about as Greek as plaster copy of the Elgin marbles. They're Kraut-Danish that got parachuted in.

    1. horsedreamer_1

      Scooter FLA will be Jeb. Somebody else gets to be Kitty.

      Unless Scooter FLA is into that. (He prolly is.)

    1. Texan_Bulldog

      FL deserves all the shit they get. See Election 2000, home of Rush Limbaugh and DisneyWorld.

  5. Barb

    I got my coverage of the royal wedding. I clicked on Yahoo news and saw the dress for 3 seconds, cooed, "ah, lacy" and poured myself a couple fingers of scotch and now I am over it.

      1. Barb

        Jesus is retuning on may 21st. I am scanning the Big & Tall Whore stores on the internets to find something nice to wear for the end of the world as we know it. I want to look snazzy in hell so that you guys will be able to recognize me.

        1. weejee

          Dear sweet Jeebus back on the 21st? Is that to celebrate Victoria Day? Cool, I'll just be back to C'Addle from 2+ weeks inspecting Oar-eeh-gun bridges so he'll know where to scorch find me. London's bridges aren't the only ones that are falling down.

      2. riverside68

        The good old days when the bad guys wore bad guy uniforms with team badges, riding crops and lots and lots of leather!
        The twentieth century rocked!

  6. BaldarTFlagass

    "The Koch Brothers are coming here?"

    "That is correct, Governor, and they are most displeased with your apparent lack of progress."

    "We shall double our efforts!"

  7. OC_Burf_Serf

    Stop the presses…another inbred bleeder offspring of a mild dictator has a 'marriage' to a normal person takes over the news meedee-uhs in the first colony to kick them to the kerb….

    1. Oblios_Cap

      Do they still display the sheets off the wedding bed to the public after the wedding night?

      1. GOPCrusher

        I think they have to in order to reassure the peasantry that Prince William claimed Kate's maidenhead.

    1. freakishlywrong

      It's not Judicial Activism when right wingers do it, it's "konstitushinal konfabbery".

  8. ttommyunger

    I think you're too hard on Rick Scott, Riley. I honestly believe Rick is absolutely as big a douchenozzle as Scott Walker, Hell, they even share the same name: Asshole!

  9. Oblios_Cap

    The Lizard King is finding out that the other RFOP children don't always play nice here in America's Dinghus™.

    Especially when the Gov's popularity rating is abysmal.

  10. BaldarTFlagass

    Next up for the Supremes, ruling in favor of a law that states that only the vote of the corporations counts in future elections.

    Well, I guess we've already got that.

    1. riverside68

      Since the only way to compete in an election is to kneel before the great Kochs, or be from Vermont, it doesn't really matter who gets to vote. And there ain't no direct voting for the Surpremes.
      Is this a great country or what?

  11. horsedreamer_1

    The most surprising outcome of the Florida Senate vote is the (presumably) Cuban-American officials from Miami, having benefitted from a very liberal immigration policy, not sweeping away immigration rights for natives of non-Castro countries.

    Clearly, they are not yet ready to be Republicans.

  12. Chillwaver

    When inbreds get married Britain, people enjoy Champagne and Tea sandwiches. When inbreds wed in Real Murika, we sip Bud Light and eat Cheetos…God bless the USA…

  13. SorosBot

    Riley, you missed the main point in the Supreme Court decision turning us further into an oligarchy. You know those big "contracts" in tiny little print that come with expensive electronics, and those long-ass end-user license agreements that pop up when you install software, and everyone just clicks OK to get rid of? The Court just said those are totally binding, and of course courts should assume everybody reads every word of those things and clicking OK is just like actually negotiating with the company.

    1. Gleem_McShineys

      I saw that!

      That is great, because soon, I wager, there are going to be other means of you agreeing to binding contracts.

      Like, probably soon, just waltzing your physical ass into a place of business will signify a form of contractual agreement that also whisks away your evil job-killing so-called rights to actually litigate any disputes you might have with the corporation.

      If you don't agree with the terms of our agreement, you are free to leave the premises!

      And because we're such upstanding corporatizens, we won't even charge you for the air you consumed while you were here!

  14. bitchincamaro2

    Finally, an end to those annoying offers of $0.85 settlements from those bothersome socialist class-action heroes. Thank you supremes. You're living up to our expectations.

      1. SudsMcKenzie

        Elton and his husband were two of the least gay things about the ceremony.

        Boom, suck it England.

    1. DashboardBuddha

      Not only that, but McFisty's mom made him wear a replica wedding gown as well. Plus she made him parade around the living room and curtsy. His inner manhood is getting back at mommy by coming hear and doing the down fist.

  15. philpjfry

    Why not just wear a sign that says " I want to pass this law which will have no effect an anything, but it will show I hate unions and only care about getting money so I can be reelected because you Florida voters are old and senile and only care about why your children never visit so I can do whatever I want. By the way, they never visit because you are old and senile and Florida is too fucking hot" Too long?

  16. BZ1

    To get his union-bashing bill approved, Senator Thrasher (R) "acknowledged that he employed every tool… (himself, included)"

  17. user-of-owls

    Maybe Mr. Florida should try to ape a different Walker, like Johnny or perhaps William.*

    *President of Lower California, Emperor of Nicaragua, doctor, lawyer, writer and filibustero supremo!

  18. donner_froh

    Rick Scott finds that being right wing thug and a willing tool of the real bourgeoisie is a lot harder than the corrupt health care CEO business.

    Much easier when everyone he dealt with depended on him for their next paycheck.

    Sorry, Rick–better find something else to do.

  19. prommie

    So the Supreme Court upheld contractual arbitration agreements that limit the available procedure to "bilateral" arbitration. Good. Consumer fraud class action litigation has become a complete travesty, its a total fraud, a shakedown racket for the plaintiffs' class action bar. Fuck them. It was Lionel Hutz' class action against the producers of the film "The Never Ending Story" that pushed it over the line, for me (the reality is absolutely as ridiculous).

    1. Ruhe

      All we need now is for all Medical services providers, Doctors, Nurses, Surgeons, your Dentist, etc., to go around with little buttons like the Staples "That Was Easy" button only it says "OK". After explaining the procedure or prescription you'll be getting the provider encourages you to click the OK button and when you do they inform you that by doing so you have agreed to accept the terms of…blah, blah, blah. Surgeon amputates your left leg when he was supposed to be scoping your right knee? Good news! You have arbitration rights!
      Thanks Supremes! Tort reform is moot!

    2. proudgrampa

      We were promised a "Never Ending Story." We should have received a story without an ending and, furthermore,,, What? Oh. Never mind.

      1. prommie

        Then there was the Milli Vanilli class action lawsuit (for realz) and then, and this is absolutely real as well, the class action suit against Clay Aiken, brought on behalf of his god-fearing christian fans who were deceived into thinking he was straight. Really.

  20. smitallica

    No class-action lawsuits? Erin Brockovich is turning over in her…well, whatever it is trashy whores sleep in.

  21. el_donaldo

    So a cartoonish supervillain fraudster Rick Scott can't get a union-busting bill passed in FLORIDA? While in liberal fucking Massachusetts they just up and do it like they're passing a resolution to commemorate National Goat-herding Day.

    Sheer incompetence may be the only thing left that can save the nation now.

    1. SorosBot

      While here in Pennsylvania, they're just slashing the budget and slipping under the radar; the Philadelphia school district had it's budget cut so much they're looking at either laying off several thousand people or getting rid of the school buses and telling the kids they'll have to find their own way to get to school.

      1. Biel_ze_Bubba

        Yeah, kids, you should walk two miles through the snow to get to school, like I did. Now git off my lawn!

    1. Naked_Bunny

      A strict constructionist view of the Constitution indicates that consumers have no fuckin' rights.

      1. Biel_ze_Bubba

        Scalia is well aware that the word "consumer" appears nowhere in the Constitution. And he told Clarence. That's two down, three to go.

  22. MinAgain

    Even Rick Scott couldn't keep my state legislature from screwing public school teachers six ways to Sunday.

  23. donner_froh

    Although Scott never campaigned on the union dues issue, and never mentioned it as a session priority, he started to push the issue as it became a talking point of Republicans in other states.

    He said he was mystified the bill was jeopardy.

    Maybe because you got elected with about 34% of the vote and you are the political equivalent of a leprosy carrying armadillo.

  24. LetUsBray

    Bah, call me when the Rolling Stones announce tour plans: Now there's a turgid British spectacle I can get excited about.

  25. DahBoner

    "Something nice to wear for important occasions "

    I thought flip-flops and a torn Hooters t-shirt was nice enough for any occasion in Florida…

  26. Guppy06

    I had to navigate past this abomination earlier. It's enough to make me feel like an angry Quebecois separatist.

    Sweden's big shindig didn't get half as much attention last year.

  27. PabaBritannica

    Skeletor defeated (for this week at least)! Now Florida just has to ride it out until 2014 when they can elect another Bush or a Alligator or something, unless a hurricane hits and wipes out Tampa and Rick Scott predictably says "I'm keeping BIG GOVERNMENT out!" and lets TECO rescue poor stranded Puerto Ricans (like utilities give a damn).

  28. DaSandman

    That bald Skelator head would make a perfect target for the South Florida Co-Ed Binge Drinking and Speargun Team.

  29. mavenmaven

    The next time so-called Conservatives talk about "state law" and "activist judges", one can show them this law, where the conservative court decided that Big Business trumps "state law" and everything else.

    1. horsedreamer_1

      Bet you they won't be overturning Rick Snyder & Scott Walker's turn toward despotism, though.

  30. Ruhe

    Thanks for the (terse) clarification. I should have read more about the case before conflating the issues.

    1. prommie

      I'm sorry for the terseness. I work in this field. Pirates, I tells ya. The consumer fraud class action plaintiffs bar is a bunch of thugs jacking up businesses over "gotcha" technical violations that harm noone, the settlements routinely give millions to the attorneys and a coupon to the individual plaintiffs. And they act so all sanctimonious. But like I said, this will affect contract actions, bodily injury claims, torts, would not be affected.

      1. guangho

        But the principal is the same. If an enterprising medical practice comes up with the mythical "OK" button is there any pragmatic way to distinguish that from this?

      2. Biel_ze_Bubba

        Wasn't there a judge somewhere who got fed up with this crap, and forced the attorneys take coupons in payment?

  31. prommie

    I have taken a position which is not orthodox among liberals, I must be punished. Do you have your whip handy?

  32. mormos

    Where's his long form birth certificate?! This issue must be resolved for the good of democracy!

  33. fuflans

    well i got up late, watched some bbc coverage, looked at jewelry and hats and cried a bit.

    now i am ready for wonkette and brunch.

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