it's morning in america

Florida Governor Desperately Wants To Be Scott Walker, Fails Miserably

Rick & Scott!

  • Republican governors are deeply envious of union-bustin’ blowhard Scott Walker and all of his delicious campaign Koch-tributions. Especially Florida governor Rick Scott! Sometimes Rick Scott fantasizes about skinning Scott Walker and then making a body suit out of the skin, so that he can have something nice to wear for important occasions (like the Royal Wedding)! That’s how badly Rick Scott wants to be Scott Walker. And Rick Scott has tried — and repeatedly failed — to emulate all of Walker’s union-busting victories: He recently threatened to veto the budget if it didn’t include $2.4 billion in cuts to corporate income taxes and fees. (His malicious threats didn’t end up working, though!) And now there’s this: Rick Scott was unable to pass a bill that would have banned public employee unions from “using automatic payroll deduction to collect dues.” These are not the kinds of results that the Kochs are looking for. Poor Rick Scott. [Miami Herald via McClatchy]
  • Good news from the Supreme Court: “In a 5-4 ideological split, the high court’s conservatives said businesses can block their customers from using class actions. The court said the federal arbitration law trumps state laws that invalidate contracts banning class actions.” Yay! [AP]
  • Military doctors intentionally concealed (or just straight-up ignored) evidence that Gitmo detainees were being routinely tortured, according to a study that nobody will ever read. [The Independent]
  • At least one inbred prince is getting married today. Most inbred princes are not getting married today, though. Fini.

About the author

Riley is an "internet blogger." He has written for such internet websites as True/Slant and the terrible Brangelina gossip emporium "The Huffington Post." Riley lives in northeast DC, near H Street. Maybe you do too and want to hang out?

View all articles by Riley Waggaman

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    Riley, most excellent and concise live blog of a royal wedding ever!! You make Hemingway appear verbose. You da man!

    • RadioSuperman

      Did the Queen do the Chicken Dance yet?
      Has Wills unsheathed his royal sceptre?

      Also: Note from beyond the grave from Princess Die: Wear your seat belts kidz.

      • SorosBot

        That wouldn't be her advice, though; she died at the perfect time, when she was still young enough to be attractive and people therefore treated her as if she had some credibility despite being a useless idiot. Imagine if she was still alive today, pushing 60 and having lost her looks; nobody would pay any attention to her. She'd be Marlon Brando instead of James Dean.

        • riverside68

          If Brando had done a Dean we wouldn't have Missouri Breaks
          If Di had done a Brando we coulda had a muslin at the wedding
          I miss the Dodi v Camillia coverage

        • user-of-owls

          Heretic! Without her, the world would not today be completely free of land mines!

    • user-of-owls

      It was surreal watching 'the kiss' with a gaggle of giddy German cleaning ladies who were sorely disappointed that he didn't mouth rape the girl.

      I, on the other hand, was sorely disappointed that she didn't rip out a huge bean fart during a very quiet part of the ceremony. Ah, well, one can dream.

      • RadioSuperman

        Tongue punch that fart box — royale.

        • horsedreamer_1

          Scotland Yard didn't assign Wills the alias of "An Album Cover" for nothing.

    • Numbat_Dundee

      Not really. "Inbred prince" is a tautology. One word redundant already!

  • freakishlywrong

    In England they have royal weddings. In Dumberica, we have royal fucking douchebags. I'm lookin' at you, Ricky.

  • Serolf_Divad

    Yeah! Another win for State's Rights from the conservatives on the S.C…. oh wait… nevermind.

    For those at home keeping score :

    State laws to protect corporations and discrimination = CONSTITUTIONAL
    State laws to protect consumers and the environment = UNCONSTITUTIONAL

    • horsedreamer_1

      Might makes Right.

  • CliveWarren

    5-4 split… That was close. I guess it could have gone either way, right?

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

      Yeah, if the DOJ lawyers had hit that final bank shot off the glass, you never know…

    • mormos

      just like most republicans…

    • Dashboard_Jesus

      yeah, that one was tough to call, I was bitin' my nails just waitin' for their thoughtfully considered decision…fuckin' corporate whores

  • Barb

    If they block class action suits what we will do if we get malignant mesothelioma from the asbestos the government is putting in our tampons and the brain cancer we will get from the spy satellites?

    • http://www.frso.org/index.htm 4TheTurnstiles

      foil hats for your head and your hole. Like this:
      http://berkeley.intel-research.net/arahimi/helmet

      • http://wonkette.com/ Monsieur_Grumpe

        I smell an Ig-Nobel for these scientists.

      • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

        conclude that the current helmet craze is likely to have been propagated by the Government

        Curses, foiled again!

      • http://wonkette.com/ Monsieur_Grumpe

        Dear Ali Rahimi,
        I read your excellent paper On the Effectiveness of Aluminium [SIC] Foil Helmets: An Empirical Study and I am most impressed. However I have a few questions and quibbles. First of all, you did not specify on the quality of the foil. I have found from personal experience that the thicker foil will attenuate the frequencies favored by aliens in the second quadrant. FYI, the foil from used Chipotle burritos makes an excellent shield for those on a budget but the delicious orders can be distracting and sometimes attracts dogs. But I digress.
        Also, you have no mention of the grounding of the tested foil hats. I’m sure your results will be dramatically different with a quality low impedance earth ground. I look forward to your new results when you correct this unfortunate oversight. Again, speaking from experience, I would recommend grounding with 8 to 10 AWG cable that is no longer than 256.3 meters. Any longer than that and you might as well not be grounded.
        Do I smell an Ig-Nobel for you and your partner’s future? Maybe it’s the burritos. Either way, well done!
        Sincerely,
        (redacted)
        BSEE, ASS, @#%&(@!

    • SorosBot

      I guess we'll need to turn to free market solutions – like the guillotine.

  • vulpes82

    William is actually the most outbred and actually British (as opposed to Kraut) prince England's had in about three hundred years.

    • freakishlywrong

      With luck, the "commoner" Kate, will re-introduce chins to those horsey faced royals.

      • BaldarTFlagass

        Too bad she's not a Habsburg.

        • vulpes82

          Did you know the "Habsburg chin" is actually Polish? It was introduced to the family by a Polish Piast princess. Then, of course, they inbred themselves so that half of them couldn't eat properly a few hundred years ago. (Sick fucks married uncles and nieces more than once! Ewwww!)

          • BaldarTFlagass

            I was always more fascinated by the "protuberant lower lip." "Protuberant." haha!

      • EatsBabyDingos

        So Ann Coulter is British? Or is she just related to Secretariat.

        • Biel_ze_Bubba

          Both, from all evidence.

    • Limeylizzie

      Yes, but he still has significant male pattern baldness

      • horsedreamer_1

        You know who else is British & hairless?

        • Limeylizzie

          Me? I got threaded this week.

          • http://timothysees.blogspot.com/ natl_indecency_cmdr

            'allo.

        • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

          BOAC?

        • Not_So_Much

          At least 2 of the Spice Girls?

        • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

          Victoria Beckham's ladyparts?

          • Biel_ze_Bubba

            FTW!

        • Naked_Bunny

          Jean-Luc Picard.

          Wait, what?

        • guangho

          Rodents at taverns?

          • horsedreamer_1

            The correct answer: Sting. We were looking for Sting.

    • Limeylizzie

      I have to admit , I would like to introduce that younger Ginger Prince to the glories of an older, peasant woman.

      • BaldarTFlagass

        I was over in Kabul when the 10th anniversary of Diana's death occurred, and when I asked my Scots and Welsh bodyguard dudes what they thought about that they went on about "that slut having it off with her riding instructor and that ginger blow-by Harry who the House of Windsor won't allow to be DNA tested." I was a bit taken aback, knew nothing about this, but what I have read indicates that perhaps my personal security detail might have have been a bit of the Albionic version of our birthers?

        • Limeylizzie

          Well, he does look like James Hewitt, I think that was his name, he was a ginger as well and the Harry Prince person looks nothing lke anyone else in the royal family.

          • lingin

            Check those ears. He's Charles' son. The hair color could be a recessive gene that finally got it's place in the sun.

          • horsedreamer_1

            Or, he could be Boris Becker's illegitimate son. Was Harry conceived around Wimbledon?

          • vulpes82

            You see, especially when he was younger, I thought he definitely had some Windsor in him. He just has a lot of Spencer in him, and they have a lot of gingers.

      • freakishlywrong

        Girl, I hear you. He seems so….mischievous. And eminently edible.

        • Limeylizzie

          He would be fun , I bet you could get him to eat pussy for a really long time, followed by some champagne and eggs benedict, that would be a perfect Sunday morning for me.

    • arihaya

      he is a quarter Greek-Kraut-Danish actually

      • vulpes82

        The "Greek" royal family are about as Greek as plaster copy of the Elgin marbles. They're Kraut-Danish that got parachuted in.

  • pukebot

    america doesn't torture! we tickle false confessions out of goat herders.

    • Serolf_Divad

      It still counts as tickling if you use a cattle prod, right?

      • EatsBabyDingos

        Yes, as long as you are giggling while hitting the feather amps.

  • http://wonkette.com/ Monsieur_Grumpe

    How many hands does this prince have?

    • Oblios_Cap

      Just the tw0, but they bleed easily…

    • http://whateveritisimagainstit.blogspot.com trampndirtdown

      Je suis sans voix Monsieur

  • arihaya

    at least he can be a Kathy Harris come 2012

    • horsedreamer_1

      Scooter FLA will be Jeb. Somebody else gets to be Kitty.

      Unless Scooter FLA is into that. (He prolly is.)

  • http://www.frso.org/index.htm 4TheTurnstiles

    Florida even sucks at sucking. This is news?

    • Texan_Bulldog

      FL deserves all the shit they get. See Election 2000, home of Rush Limbaugh and DisneyWorld.

  • Barb

    I got my coverage of the royal wedding. I clicked on Yahoo news and saw the dress for 3 seconds, cooed, "ah, lacy" and poured myself a couple fingers of scotch and now I am over it.

    • Limeylizzie

      Moi aussi, I am now watching the Hiltler Channel, WW2 in Blighty…happy days

      • Barb

        Jesus is retuning on may 21st. I am scanning the Big & Tall Whore stores on the internets to find something nice to wear for the end of the world as we know it. I want to look snazzy in hell so that you guys will be able to recognize me.

        • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

          Dear sweet Jeebus back on the 21st? Is that to celebrate Victoria Day? Cool, I'll just be back to C'Addle from 2+ weeks inspecting Oar-eeh-gun bridges so he'll know where to scorch find me. London's bridges aren't the only ones that are falling down.

      • riverside68

        The good old days when the bad guys wore bad guy uniforms with team badges, riding crops and lots and lots of leather!
        The twentieth century rocked!

        • Limeylizzie

          You had me at riding crops.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Who was the woman with the giant pretzel on her head?

  • BaldarTFlagass

    "The Koch Brothers are coming here?"

    "That is correct, Governor, and they are most displeased with your apparent lack of progress."

    "We shall double our efforts!"

    • http://timothysees.blogspot.com/ natl_indecency_cmdr

      some day i too shall suck as much koch as scott walker.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        It's pronounced "coke". As in, "Scott Walker has a nasty Koch habit."

    • genxr

      "I'm afraid Citizens United will be quite operational when your friends arrive."

  • OC_Burf_Serf

    Stop the presses…another inbred bleeder offspring of a mild dictator has a 'marriage' to a normal person takes over the news meedee-uhs in the first colony to kick them to the kerb….

    • Oblios_Cap

      Do they still display the sheets off the wedding bed to the public after the wedding night?

      • GOPCrusher

        I think they have to in order to reassure the peasantry that Prince William claimed Kate's maidenhead.

  • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

    The court said the federal arbitration law trumps state laws that invalidate contracts banning class actions.” Yay!

    Holy Judicial Activism, Batman!
    ~

    • freakishlywrong

      It's not Judicial Activism when right wingers do it, it's "konstitushinal konfabbery".

  • ttommyunger

    I think you're too hard on Rick Scott, Riley. I honestly believe Rick is absolutely as big a douchenozzle as Scott Walker, Hell, they even share the same name: Asshole!

  • Oblios_Cap

    The Lizard King is finding out that the other RFOP children don't always play nice here in America's Dinghus™.

    Especially when the Gov's popularity rating is abysmal.

  • Oblios_Cap

    And her sister is HAWT!

    • http://timothysees.blogspot.com/ natl_indecency_cmdr

      here here!

      by which i mean, come over here pippa! here! here!

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Next up for the Supremes, ruling in favor of a law that states that only the vote of the corporations counts in future elections.

    Well, I guess we've already got that.

    • riverside68

      Since the only way to compete in an election is to kneel before the great Kochs, or be from Vermont, it doesn't really matter who gets to vote. And there ain't no direct voting for the Surpremes.
      Is this a great country or what?

  • Limeylizzie

    No, I can't dignify it.

  • horsedreamer_1

    The most surprising outcome of the Florida Senate vote is the (presumably) Cuban-American officials from Miami, having benefitted from a very liberal immigration policy, not sweeping away immigration rights for natives of non-Castro countries.

    Clearly, they are not yet ready to be Republicans.

  • http://thethingsrepublicanshate.com/ Chillwaver

    When inbreds get married Britain, people enjoy Champagne and Tea sandwiches. When inbreds wed in Real Murika, we sip Bud Light and eat Cheetos…God bless the USA…

  • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya
  • Barb

    The royal downfister is awake and full of beans this morning. Long live the Queen!

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      Elton John?

    • elviouslyqueer

      George Michael?

    • SudsMcKenzie

      Freddie Mercury?

    • genxr

      Tony Blair?

  • SorosBot

    Riley, you missed the main point in the Supreme Court decision turning us further into an oligarchy. You know those big "contracts" in tiny little print that come with expensive electronics, and those long-ass end-user license agreements that pop up when you install software, and everyone just clicks OK to get rid of? The Court just said those are totally binding, and of course courts should assume everybody reads every word of those things and clicking OK is just like actually negotiating with the company.

    • AJW@[redacted]

      South Park already did it!

      • genxr

        Simpsons did it!

    • guangho

      Capitalism 2.011. New and improved. Now with less pesky "consumers."

    • http://intensedebate.com/logout Gleem_McShineys

      I saw that!

      That is great, because soon, I wager, there are going to be other means of you agreeing to binding contracts.

      Like, probably soon, just waltzing your physical ass into a place of business will signify a form of contractual agreement that also whisks away your evil job-killing so-called rights to actually litigate any disputes you might have with the corporation.

      If you don't agree with the terms of our agreement, you are free to leave the premises!

      And because we're such upstanding corporatizens, we won't even charge you for the air you consumed while you were here!

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        Hah! Skiers, have you ever read the 4-point font on the back of your lift ticket?

  • bitchincamaro2

    Finally, an end to those annoying offers of $0.85 settlements from those bothersome socialist class-action heroes. Thank you supremes. You're living up to our expectations.

  • crybabyboehner

    At least he married a girl with a chin.

  • SudsMcKenzie

    Downfisty, up early today huh?, Mom made you watch the wedding didn't she.

    • user-of-owls

      And it seemed to me like you lived your life,
      like a retard passing wind.

      • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

        Oh that would put a tear in Sir Elton's eye, it would.

      • SudsMcKenzie

        Elton and his husband were two of the least gay things about the ceremony.

        Boom, suck it England.

        • elviouslyqueer

          That's what Wills said.

    • Naked_Bunny

      It's not like Downfisty has a job or goes to school.

    • DashboardBuddha

      Not only that, but McFisty's mom made him wear a replica wedding gown as well. Plus she made him parade around the living room and curtsy. His inner manhood is getting back at mommy by coming hear and doing the down fist.

  • philpjfry

    Why not just wear a sign that says " I want to pass this law which will have no effect an anything, but it will show I hate unions and only care about getting money so I can be reelected because you Florida voters are old and senile and only care about why your children never visit so I can do whatever I want. By the way, they never visit because you are old and senile and Florida is too fucking hot" Too long?

  • BZ1

    To get his union-bashing bill approved, Senator Thrasher (R) "acknowledged that he employed every tool… (himself, included)"

  • user-of-owls

    Maybe Mr. Florida should try to ape a different Walker, like Johnny or perhaps William.*

    *President of Lower California, Emperor of Nicaragua, doctor, lawyer, writer and filibustero supremo!

    • Limeylizzie

      Nancy?

      • user-of-owls

        I am not!

    • http://www.facebook.com/pages/Johnny-Appletruth/133951326629923?sk=wall deanbooth

      Imitating William Walker would require an invasion of Cuba.

      • http://whateveritisimagainstit.blogspot.com trampndirtdown

        With young Luke Skywalker leading the rebel alliance.

  • 4tehlulz_lite

    Bush, Gore, same, etc.

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

    Rick Scott finds that being right wing thug and a willing tool of the real bourgeoisie is a lot harder than the corrupt health care CEO business.

    Much easier when everyone he dealt with depended on him for their next paycheck.

    Sorry, Rick–better find something else to do.

  • prommie

    So the Supreme Court upheld contractual arbitration agreements that limit the available procedure to "bilateral" arbitration. Good. Consumer fraud class action litigation has become a complete travesty, its a total fraud, a shakedown racket for the plaintiffs' class action bar. Fuck them. It was Lionel Hutz' class action against the producers of the film "The Never Ending Story" that pushed it over the line, for me (the reality is absolutely as ridiculous).

    • Ruhe

      All we need now is for all Medical services providers, Doctors, Nurses, Surgeons, your Dentist, etc., to go around with little buttons like the Staples "That Was Easy" button only it says "OK". After explaining the procedure or prescription you'll be getting the provider encourages you to click the OK button and when you do they inform you that by doing so you have agreed to accept the terms of…blah, blah, blah. Surgeon amputates your left leg when he was supposed to be scoping your right knee? Good news! You have arbitration rights!
      Thanks Supremes! Tort reform is moot!

    • proudgrampa

      We were promised a "Never Ending Story." We should have received a story without an ending and, furthermore,,, What? Oh. Never mind.

      • prommie

        Then there was the Milli Vanilli class action lawsuit (for realz) and then, and this is absolutely real as well, the class action suit against Clay Aiken, brought on behalf of his god-fearing christian fans who were deceived into thinking he was straight. Really.

        • GOPCrusher

          How in the hell could any one be deceived into believing Clay Aiken is straight?

          • Biel_ze_Bubba

            You gotta consider that Clay Aiken fans are not the brightest bulbs on the chandelier.

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

    I thought the Nazi armband on his tux was a nice touch.

  • smitallica

    No class-action lawsuits? Erin Brockovich is turning over in her…well, whatever it is trashy whores sleep in.

  • http://eldonaldo.com el_donaldo

    So a cartoonish supervillain fraudster Rick Scott can't get a union-busting bill passed in FLORIDA? While in liberal fucking Massachusetts they just up and do it like they're passing a resolution to commemorate National Goat-herding Day.

    Sheer incompetence may be the only thing left that can save the nation now.

    • SorosBot

      While here in Pennsylvania, they're just slashing the budget and slipping under the radar; the Philadelphia school district had it's budget cut so much they're looking at either laying off several thousand people or getting rid of the school buses and telling the kids they'll have to find their own way to get to school.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        Yeah, kids, you should walk two miles through the snow to get to school, like I did. Now git off my lawn!

  • baconzgood

    I don't know what the Supreme Court thing means but it sounds bad and unfair.

    • SudsMcKenzie

      … and familiar.

    • Naked_Bunny

      A strict constructionist view of the Constitution indicates that consumers have no fuckin' rights.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        Scalia is well aware that the word "consumer" appears nowhere in the Constitution. And he told Clarence. That's two down, three to go.

  • MinAgain

    Even Rick Scott couldn't keep my state legislature from screwing public school teachers six ways to Sunday.

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

    Although Scott never campaigned on the union dues issue, and never mentioned it as a session priority, he started to push the issue as it became a talking point of Republicans in other states.

    He said he was mystified the bill was jeopardy.

    Maybe because you got elected with about 34% of the vote and you are the political equivalent of a leprosy carrying armadillo.

  • LetUsBray

    Bah, call me when the Rolling Stones announce tour plans: Now there's a turgid British spectacle I can get excited about.

  • DahBoner

    "Something nice to wear for important occasions "

    I thought flip-flops and a torn Hooters t-shirt was nice enough for any occasion in Florida…

  • prommie

    Hey, whats all this foo for all over this pasty horse-faced bald guy marrying some slut?

  • Guppy06

    I had to navigate past this abomination earlier. It's enough to make me feel like an angry Quebecois separatist.

    Sweden's big shindig didn't get half as much attention last year.

  • PabaBritannica

    Skeletor defeated (for this week at least)! Now Florida just has to ride it out until 2014 when they can elect another Bush or a Alligator or something, unless a hurricane hits and wipes out Tampa and Rick Scott predictably says "I'm keeping BIG GOVERNMENT out!" and lets TECO rescue poor stranded Puerto Ricans (like utilities give a damn).

    • genxr

      Fuck that, I'm voting for Nathan Explosion.

  • DaSandman

    That bald Skelator head would make a perfect target for the South Florida Co-Ed Binge Drinking and Speargun Team.

  • mavenmaven

    The next time so-called Conservatives talk about "state law" and "activist judges", one can show them this law, where the conservative court decided that Big Business trumps "state law" and everything else.

    • horsedreamer_1

      Bet you they won't be overturning Rick Snyder & Scott Walker's turn toward despotism, though.

  • Ruhe

    Thanks for the (terse) clarification. I should have read more about the case before conflating the issues.

    • prommie

      I'm sorry for the terseness. I work in this field. Pirates, I tells ya. The consumer fraud class action plaintiffs bar is a bunch of thugs jacking up businesses over "gotcha" technical violations that harm noone, the settlements routinely give millions to the attorneys and a coupon to the individual plaintiffs. And they act so all sanctimonious. But like I said, this will affect contract actions, bodily injury claims, torts, would not be affected.

      • guangho

        But the principal is the same. If an enterprising medical practice comes up with the mythical "OK" button is there any pragmatic way to distinguish that from this?

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        Wasn't there a judge somewhere who got fed up with this crap, and forced the attorneys take coupons in payment?

  • prommie

    I have taken a position which is not orthodox among liberals, I must be punished. Do you have your whip handy?

  • mavenmaven

    Oh, apparently the downfisters either work for Koch or for the Queen.

  • mormos

    Where's his long form birth certificate?! This issue must be resolved for the good of democracy!

  • fuflans

    well i got up late, watched some bbc coverage, looked at jewelry and hats and cried a bit.

    now i am ready for wonkette and brunch.

    • DaSandman

      Very civilized. I hope brunch was tasty

  • fuflans

    however, i am deeply disappointed that elton john did not misbehave.

    • genxr

      He learned his lesson about misbehaving at Rush Limbaugh's wedding.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    Doh!

  • Negropolis

    Have you seen William lately? If he ain't his daddy's son is what I'll say.

  • user-of-owls

    Or Kid-Dyn-O-Mite!

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    Or Johnny Weissmuller and take up late night swims in the Everglades.