barry can you hear me?

Barry Obama’s Donnie Darko ‘Easter’ Adventure

In Jesus name we do pray, amenz.Greetings, asshandlers! ‘Tis I, the greatest of Friday authoresses, here to impart wisdom and Journalistik Insightz about something other than the fucking Great White Wedding of the Year. While it is funzies to watch a nice rich inbred “English” boy whose real surname is “Saxe-Coburg and Gotha” mix up the gene pool with fresh blood so as to avoid the dreaded mandibular prognathism/shark eyes/trouty mouth of his forebears, it is even better to watch President Barack Obama present his freedman papers to the mob of angry stupid Amurrrican whites with their lynchin’ ropes and their switches, i.e., your asshole grandparents and idiot cousins. Let us dive into the weekly column that ought to be called Zebra Beat, because it follows this president who is BLACK AND WHITE BOTH AT ONCE HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! As per usual, our guide is Official White House Pornographer Arun Chaudhary’s West Wing Week. He is like Leni Riefenstahl, but a dude and One of the Good Guys! Also: unlikely to carve out a future as an octogenarian photographer of coral reef action. Anyway, on to the Barry!

On Monday, it was muthafuckin’ Easter Egg Roll time, bitches! This year, instead of forcing my boyfriend Brian Mosteller to wear the Donnie Darko ensemble, the President ordered a very lovely and undoubtedly quite smart young lady by the name of Alexandra Traber to enact his Watership Down fetish. Arun’s scintillating lower third (OF THE SCREEN, YOU GUYS, NOT ON HIS BODY JEEZ) indicates that she is “National Security Staff.” This footage confirms what we already knew: that our nation is now being defended by Furries. Also, did you know that Malia is turning 13 in July and is super-tall now and kind of beautifully awkward in her skin in the gorgeous and wonderful way that young ladies are when they don’t realize how pretty they are? Someone give this kid a copy of Reviving Ophelia, stat.

On Tuesday, Barry did lots of teevee interviews with reporters from teensy-weensy markets all over the country. Congratulations, Darla Ladytooth from KRAP-TV in Bodega Bay! You win the decade in your zipcode. Your future as the most successful elderly real-estate agent in your county is assured, and a seat on the town council is most definitely yours.

On Wednesday, OPRAAAAAAAAAAH!!!! Michelle’s legs, I can’t.

On Thursday, Barry defeated all tornadoes and then met with Latinos or some other sort of less-threatening-than-him brown people. Also, welcome to Secretary of Defense-hood, Leon Panetta! Enjoy the CIA, David Petraeus! Also, ay dios mio, another fucking Latino rolled up, but his last name is Martinelli (?!) and he is in charge of Panama, Central America’s wet taint.

Now it is Friday, and Barry will hopefully spray fire from his magic dick and cause the ’70s neon gingersnatch perched atop Donnie Trump’s swollen trustafarian melon to burst into an all-consuming conflagration.

What is your kolumnista doing this weekend, you ask? Oh, just Tweeting and also enduring a shitty head cold whilst flying to a ginormous faraway state with her primary sex partner for some sort of ritualistic patriotic ceremony to bid him a happy, all-expenses-paid, yearlong vacation in beautiful Afghanistan! Haha, this is what your authoress gets for giving special vagina time to a reservist who has only been deployed TWICE since 9/11. A third time obviously is necessary, to catch dead bin Laden and also to ensure your favorite Wonkette girl-slave’s sexual frustration for an entire fucking year. So a giant middle finger to any remaining right-wing trolltards sweeping the site. Your authoress is giving up some high-quality liberal Jew-cock (wrap your mind–but not your mouth!–around that) for your favorite unwinnable war, which makes her a bigger goddamned patriot than the lot of you Beck-fellating fucks. Kill yourselves (not a figure of speech) you brainless wastes of flesh. Confidential to the beloved “regular” (read: “woefully abnormal”) Wonkette readers: send me UNUSED sex toys c/o Kenneth Layne, Esq. Also: Jack Stuef for president, the end.

About the author

Sara Benincasa is an award-winning comedian, writer and radio talk show host. Her outspoken, sexually-charged comedy has won praise from the Chicago Tribune, CNN, The Guardian, and The New York Times, and has earned her an ECNY (Emerging Comedian of New York) Award and a Webby nomination. Her memoir, "Agorafabulous!: Dispatches From My Bedroom," (William Morrow/HarperCollins), was based on her critically acclaimed solo show about panic attacks and agoraphobia. She is currently working on a novel for young adults.

View all articles by Sara Benincasa

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here with a few helpful links to ease your transition to Disqus - Claiming Old Accounts - Claiming Your ID Comments [Looking into whether this is still possible - Shy] - Turning off Disqus Notifications. And, as always, remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • nounverb911

    You forgot Rick Perry crying because Barry doesn't like him anymore.

  • pinkocommi

    I thought Ken Layne was an unused sex toy.

    • Tommmcattt

      Oh, he is. Did you see his Wikipedia entry?

    • Negropolis

      Doesn't he have, like, a bajillion children? I wouldn't call that unused, at least not totally so.

  • SheriffRoscoe

    Your authoress is giving up some high-quality liberal Jew-cock…..

    You know who else had a high-quality liberal Jew-cock?

    • nounverb911

      Elizabeth Taylor?

    • nounverb911

      Ivanka Trump?

    • RadioSuperman

      Alan Greenspan?… oh, wait that was a libertarian jew-cock.

    • LesBontemps

      Chelsea Clinton?

    • Worthly[♬♪♬♪♫♪♬]Skum

      The village of Calcata, Italy?
      http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Calcata#Holy_Prepuce

    • MinAgain

      Jesus Christ?

    • widestanceroman

      Hmmm, it's right on the tip of my tongue. . .

    • Boredw/Gravitas

      Anthony Weiner?

    • Boojum_Reborn

      Mary Magdalene?

    • Tommmcattt

      That swim team member I blew in the 9th grade?

    • SorosBot

      Ben-Hur?

    • gullywompr

      Staff Sergeant Donny Donowitz?

    • Negropolis

      For once and for real, Jesus is the correct answer.

  • nounverb911

    "Also: Jack Stuef for president, the end"
    Jack has the "Right Steuf!"

    • horsedreamer_1

      Thanks. Thanks a lot. Now, I have NKOTB songs running thru my head.

      • SorosBot

        And now I have Weird Al's The White Stuff stuck in my head; thanks a lot.

    • MissTaken

      I can already see the Aquafresh swoosh through S.

    • http://www.facebook.com/pages/Johnny-Appletruth/133951326629923?sk=wall deanbooth

      Horray for Jack, whose special post reminds me of the plate smashing scene in Streetcar Named Desire: He wasn't mad at the plate, he was just fed up with Blanche Dubois.

  • Bonzos_Bed_Time

    While my cousins are indeed idiots, I want to point out that they are all on my wife's side.

    • mereoblivion

      Sound like she need several cousinectomies, pronto.

  • ColonelDoctor

    Me too?

  • Barb

    Unused sex toys? I have some Swarovski crystal studded Ben Wa balls, still in the velvet lined box if you want them. I'm sure they would look great in your Jewery box.

    • Gopherit

      There are times, indeed, where you can see your future in a pair of crystal balls.

      • Barb

        Or shove them in your bum and see your past.

    • gullywompr

      You guys just gonna leave "velvet box" on the table? Man, I'm losing faith…

      • Barb

        They left "Jewery box" on the table, lol. As in she has a box for a JEW!

    • tessiee

      "I have some Swarovski crystal studded Ben Wa balls"

      Ouch!

  • Serolf_Divad

    Sorry to bust your bubble, but the real life Sarah Benincasa (who looks nothing like her avatar pictured) is a 68 year old carmelite nun who teaches English, European History and Algebra II at our Holy Blessed Virgin of the Sacred Wounds Catholic Middle School in Queens, when she's not tending to Lepers at Holy Cross Hospital.

    • Gopherit

      She's made of caramel? How sweet!

    • http://wonkette.com/ Monsieur_Grumpe

      Algebra II?
      Oh now that is just too hawt!

    • MasterDebater

      Actually NOW I'm interested.

      • horsedreamer_1

        You know it's tight.

        • DahBoner

          # IT'S THE LURE OF THE KAVORKA

    • Bonzos_Bed_Time

      Hot.

    • http://oliphantparts.org/ natoslug

      Algebra II? Does she have the scoop on Trig as well?

    • http://www.wonkette.com/ FlownOver

      NUN LIBEL!

  • Lucidamente1

    Benincasa, now that your man has been, uh, redeployed, I think I speak for all us Wonketteers when I say "show us your long form!"

  • RadioSuperman

    You dirty little shiksa!

  • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

    Afghanistan is very nice this time of year.

  • chicken_thief

    How will we know how many little boner avatars to rate the sex toys with if they are unused?!

  • Bonzos_Bed_Time

    Way to take one for the team.

  • Lascauxcaveman

    Thank you for supporting sexing up our troops, Patriot Sara.

  • Gopherit

    Aw, Sara. You use that mouth purtier than a Breitard intern. We'll always be here when you want to talk dirty to us.

  • MinAgain

    Wonkette readers: send me UNUSED sex toys c/o Kenneth Layne

    And batteries! Don't forget the batteries. Although it's not like Ken will ever let you have them, either sex toys or batteries.

  • aguacatero

    God Save the Queen …

    of funny.

  • owhatever

    Vowing to remain celibate for a full year, out intrepid Wonkette set out on a trail of tears, which, hopefully, will lead to a rap on my door late some night as the lass seeks comfort and advice in a candlelit setting with a lot of booze. So sadz.

  • keepem_sikanpor

    Kill yourselves (not a figure of speech) you brainless wastes of flesh.

    Oh, but I love you so very much, Sara.

    • Gopherit

      She knows we love the pillowtalk.

    • nounverb911

      Doris Day and Rock Hudson approve this message.

    • SaraJBenincasa

      I luffs you backs.

  • nounverb911

    Do they know my moronic brother-in-law?

    • Bonzos_Bed_Time

      Yeah, the probably shop at the same gun store and attend the same Jesus-club.

      • nounverb911

        Gun store maybe, the other one not so much.

        • Bonzos_Bed_Time

          What, no love of the baby-Jeebus! I call shenanigans on that.

          • Gopherit

            Jesus was a commie progressive. When he comes back he'd better arm himself.

  • Mumbletypeg

    “regular” (read: “woefully abnormal”)

    As earlier stated stated on that comedic comics-boycott thread detailing the conservatwats' meltdown, quoth The Tick/LiveToServeYa:

    "betting I am just abnormal enough to survive."

    Betting my life on it, I am.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I'm too shy to make a comment when the hot chick posts at me.

  • MasterDebater

    Well you have heard of Stickam, right? You'll be fine.

  • HempDogbane

    After this, Trump will say "You're conflagrated !"

    • Mumbletypeg

      Trump ought to take diction lessons from T-Paw. Then he could conflabberdaddle them with the best of Yosemite Sam's galoots.

    • flamingpdog

      No, he'll say, "You're fucking conflagrated". I think he's been reading Sara's Wonkette posts, the sly devil.

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

    You had me at "asshandlers!"

    • Tommmcattt

      The term is both hilarious and absolutely literally true.

  • undeterredbyreality

    You had me at "70's neon gingersnatch."

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

    …and then "freedman papers" made me have to change my shorts!

  • SayItWithWookies

    Too bad about Easter. Saturday usually fills me with hope because Jesus is dead all day, and I figure a good 24 hours without him might inspire some of his idiot followers to go the rest of the year that way (like the Great American Smokeout, right?) but it never happens. Anyway, maybe next year.

    And good luck to your bf, Sara — as always, it's the non-flag-waving people who end up loving America more than the loud bastards with the decorated pick-up trucks.

    • SaraJBenincasa

      Thanks, bubbeleh.

  • DahBoner

    "While it is funzies to watch a nice rich inbred “English” boy whose real surname is “Saxe-Coburg and Gotha”…"

    From now on, it would only be proper to refer to Prince Williams of Wales by his full name:

    "His Royal Highness Prince William Arthur Philip Louis, Duke of Cambridge, Early of Strathearn, Baron Carrickfergus, Royal Knight Companion of the Most Noble Order of the Garter, Master of Arts, Motherfucker".

    • nappyduggs

      And they say that Black folks give their chirren funny names. Hmmmph.

      • Ms Whatever

        Welcome back, nappyduggs, your grumpy humor has been missed!

        • nappyduggs

          Awwww. Fuck you very much! I kid, I kid. Happy (?) to be back amongst my tribe. It sucks out there on your own:(

    • tessiee

      "His Royal Highness Prince William Arthur Philip Louis, Duke of Cambridge, Early of Strathearn, Baron Carrickfergus, Royal Knight Companion of the Most Noble Order of the Garter, Master of Arts, Motherfucker"

      I thought that was Samuel L. Jackson's full name, or is that: "His Royal Highness … Bad Ass Motherfucker"?

      • DahBoner

        Well, I heard that Prince Williams humbly requests his friends to drop the formalities and just refer to him as "Sir Motherfucker"…

    • http://www.wonkette.com/ FlownOver

      I had carrickfergus once, but it's susceptible to treatment with a broad-spectrum antibiotic.

  • slithytoves

    Re: sex toys. I recommend the beloved original rabbit.

  • ttommyunger

    "…with her PRIMARY sex partner…" Newt "Horn Dog" Gingrich just sat up a little straighter in his Barco-Lounger. Thought bubble over his ginormous head: "So, I have a chance, then?"

    • Bonzos_Bed_Time

      Doesn't he need to wait till his spouse catches the cancer or is in a car accident or something?

      • ttommyunger

        Easily arranged.

      • tessiee

        Or until hell freezes over?

  • emmelemm

    Snark off for a second, I'd just like to say thanks for pointing out that your beloved Jew-cock is a thousand times more patriotic than any of the mouth-breathing, Rascal-driving, down-thumbing Beckian FUCKHEADS that yell at everybody else about not being patriotic enough. Our thoughts are with him.

    • SaraJBenincasa

      Thanks. He appreciated your comment, too. Haha he has to wear camo like a fucking GI Joe doll all weekend.

      • emmelemm

        A Real American Hero!

  • http://theblueelite.blogspot.com simplyblue7

    Freedom isn't free…and neither is sexy time…

    • Bonzos_Bed_Time

      Roofies don't cost that much.

  • fuflans

    Kill yourselves (not a figure of speech) you brainless wastes of flesh.

    i too look forward to our next wingtard jihad.

  • Bonzos_Bed_Time

    If only I was making this stuff up… :-(

  • Bonzos_Bed_Time

    But with extra hands.

  • WhatTheHeck

    Well, if that wasn’t a sexually-charged piece, I don’t know Sara from Lady Chatterley of Lady Chatterley’s lover fame.

    And on top of it all, Sara’s early today. Sexually frustrated, I guess.

  • RadioSuperman

    ♫ ♬ Huh, She got soul and she's superbad! ♫ ♬

    • tessiee

      Good God, y'all!

      *dances with booty higher than head*

  • Ducksworthy

    Ask your boyfriend to send some composted goat turds to the Donald so he can experience the thrill of war. Oh yeah, and tell him its hash.

  • http://www.facebook.com/pages/Johnny-Appletruth/133951326629923?sk=wall deanbooth

    "BLACK AND WHITE BOTH AT ONCE"

    What's black and white and red all over? Communist Obama!

  • http://thethingsrepublicanshate.com/ Chillwaver

    "mix up the gene pool with fresh blood so as to avoid the dreaded mandibular prognathism/shark eyes/trouty mouth of his forebears"

    Is Michele Bachmann part of the British Royal family? I would've never guessed…

  • SorosBot

    I – I think I need a kleenex and new underwear after that.

  • gullywompr

    Five "fucks". Much improved.

  • BarackMyWorld

    This year, instead of forcing my boyfriend Brian Mosteller to wear the Donnie Darko ensemble…

    Why are you wearing that stupid man suit?

    • schvitzatura

      The Tangent Universe collapsed 3742 days, 8 hours, 27 minutes, and 5 seconds ago…

  • BarackMyWorld

    And Fister Roboto was here, so counter-thumbs up for everyone!

  • Warpde

    My wife said that she would offer up her favorite sexy sexy toy for you but unfortunately he's also being deployed.

    • gullywompr

      Unfortunately? Oh, right… for Sara…

  • flamingpdog

    John Boehner posts at Wonkette?? Oh, "weeping AT the ignorance and hatred", not weeping WITH.

  • fuflans

    ok after watching the west wing vid, i just have to ask:

    why can't barry find pants that aren't dad pants? he's got a fucking hollywood (for a president) body and dude always looks like an old white golfer or something.

    what is up with that?

  • http://drinkiesinthe253.blogspot.com/ drrty_martini

    Word.

  • tessiee

    "mix up the gene pool with fresh blood so as to avoid the dreaded mandibular prognathism/shark eyes/trouty mouth of his forebears"

    So that's why W looks the way he does!

  • tessiee

    "the mob of angry stupid Amurrrican whites with their lynchin’ ropes and their switches, i.e., your asshole grandparents and idiot cousins"

    My dear Madam, I'll have you know that MY idiot cousins spend their time seeking out inappropriate sex partners in sleazy skank bars, NOT lynching!

    • Angry_Marmot

      MY cousins found each each other.

  • tessiee

    Yes! With the really cheesy text a la the J. Peterman catalog.

  • Negropolis

    On Tuesday, Barry did lots of teevee interviews with reporters from teensy-weensy markets all over the country. Congratulations, Darla Ladytooth from KRAP-TV in Bodega Bay! You win the decade in your zipcode. Your future as the most successful elderly real-estate agent in your county is assured, and a seat on the town council is most definitely yours.

    It's not fair how good you are with words. I was probably laughing for ten minutes straight with but a few second respites.

    Y'all know that Darla Ladytooth's #1 on the Westside, right?

    • SaraJBenincasa

      Thank you!

  • SaraJBenincasa

    AHAHAH FUCK MEAT.

  • Lost_Teabaggers

    Three thoughts on this, first, condolences on having to let your human sex toy wander off to Afghanistan for a year. Hopefully all will go well there and you'll have your liberal jewish-dick back in one piece.

    Second, I've been replacement dick before and I'll be replacement dick again should you ever find yourself on the best coast, drop me a line. You can wear your Palin glasses (nerd girls are hot) but no Bachmann voice, that's a no-no.

    Third, I like that you've got your rage well honed and placed at just the right people. My only thought is, you're kind of shooting yourself in the foot by abusing the particular type of wingnut you're abusing here. Everyone knows the macho, religious Beck-watching wingnuts compile the best sex toys (because there isn't enough therapy for what goes on inside these people) for their secret gay orgies. You probably should have complimented them to get the freaky unused church function sextoys, THEN let the righteous anger fly. Oh, It's also funny to note the most homophobic inbreds among wingnuts always seem to have such detailed knowledge of gay sex acts (google Sean Hannity describes "fisting"). I too have a head cold, a pretty intense one, hence why I'm responding now. Anyway, thanks for the ass-handler greeting shoutout (I'm state certified) too all us hedonistic, leftwing godless commonists!

  • http://wonkette.com/ outragedcitizen

    Sorry to hear about your sex boy toy, Sarah. I have a son at West Point and he too will soon be going to that garden spot for vacation. So, I join you in wanting this decade of trumped up, ill-conceived, badly planned genocide, I mean, wars, comes to a speedy end.

    Seriously, all the best to your friend. Tell him to keep his head and ass down and come home safe.

  • CivicHoliday

    ((hugs)) for your boo, Sara. Don't forget to send him care packages stock full of fleshlights and KY, so he doesn't get too desperate and end up contracting herpes from a goat anus.