BARRY CAN YOU HEAR ME?  1:29 pm April 29, 2011

Barry Obama’s Donnie Darko ‘Easter’ Adventure

by Sara Benincasa

In Jesus name we do pray, amenz.Greetings, asshandlers! ‘Tis I, the greatest of Friday authoresses, here to impart wisdom and Journalistik Insightz about something other than the fucking Great White Wedding of the Year. While it is funzies to watch a nice rich inbred “English” boy whose real surname is “Saxe-Coburg and Gotha” mix up the gene pool with fresh blood so as to avoid the dreaded mandibular prognathism/shark eyes/trouty mouth of his forebears, it is even better to watch President Barack Obama present his freedman papers to the mob of angry stupid Amurrrican whites with their lynchin’ ropes and their switches, i.e., your asshole grandparents and idiot cousins. Let us dive into the weekly column that ought to be called Zebra Beat, because it follows this president who is BLACK AND WHITE BOTH AT ONCE HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! As per usual, our guide is Official White House Pornographer Arun Chaudhary’s West Wing Week. He is like Leni Riefenstahl, but a dude and One of the Good Guys! Also: unlikely to carve out a future as an octogenarian photographer of coral reef action. Anyway, on to the Barry!

On Monday, it was muthafuckin’ Easter Egg Roll time, bitches! This year, instead of forcing my boyfriend Brian Mosteller to wear the Donnie Darko ensemble, the President ordered a very lovely and undoubtedly quite smart young lady by the name of Alexandra Traber to enact his Watership Down fetish. Arun’s scintillating lower third (OF THE SCREEN, YOU GUYS, NOT ON HIS BODY JEEZ) indicates that she is “National Security Staff.” This footage confirms what we already knew: that our nation is now being defended by Furries. Also, did you know that Malia is turning 13 in July and is super-tall now and kind of beautifully awkward in her skin in the gorgeous and wonderful way that young ladies are when they don’t realize how pretty they are? Someone give this kid a copy of Reviving Ophelia, stat.

On Tuesday, Barry did lots of teevee interviews with reporters from teensy-weensy markets all over the country. Congratulations, Darla Ladytooth from KRAP-TV in Bodega Bay! You win the decade in your zipcode. Your future as the most successful elderly real-estate agent in your county is assured, and a seat on the town council is most definitely yours.

On Wednesday, OPRAAAAAAAAAAH!!!! Michelle’s legs, I can’t.

On Thursday, Barry defeated all tornadoes and then met with Latinos or some other sort of less-threatening-than-him brown people. Also, welcome to Secretary of Defense-hood, Leon Panetta! Enjoy the CIA, David Petraeus! Also, ay dios mio, another fucking Latino rolled up, but his last name is Martinelli (?!) and he is in charge of Panama, Central America’s wet taint.

Now it is Friday, and Barry will hopefully spray fire from his magic dick and cause the ’70s neon gingersnatch perched atop Donnie Trump’s swollen trustafarian melon to burst into an all-consuming conflagration.

What is your kolumnista doing this weekend, you ask? Oh, just Tweeting and also enduring a shitty head cold whilst flying to a ginormous faraway state with her primary sex partner for some sort of ritualistic patriotic ceremony to bid him a happy, all-expenses-paid, yearlong vacation in beautiful Afghanistan! Haha, this is what your authoress gets for giving special vagina time to a reservist who has only been deployed TWICE since 9/11. A third time obviously is necessary, to catch dead bin Laden and also to ensure your favorite Wonkette girl-slave’s sexual frustration for an entire fucking year. So a giant middle finger to any remaining right-wing trolltards sweeping the site. Your authoress is giving up some high-quality liberal Jew-cock (wrap your mind–but not your mouth!–around that) for your favorite unwinnable war, which makes her a bigger goddamned patriot than the lot of you Beck-fellating fucks. Kill yourselves (not a figure of speech) you brainless wastes of flesh. Confidential to the beloved “regular” (read: “woefully abnormal”) Wonkette readers: send me UNUSED sex toys c/o Kenneth Layne, Esq. Also: Jack Stuef for president, the end.

 
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{ 118 comments }

nounverb911 April 29, 2011 at 1:32 pm

You forgot Rick Perry crying because Barry doesn't like him anymore.

pinkocommi April 29, 2011 at 1:38 pm

I thought Ken Layne was an unused sex toy.

Tommmcattt April 29, 2011 at 2:28 pm

Oh, he is. Did you see his Wikipedia entry?

Negropolis April 30, 2011 at 3:10 am

Doesn't he have, like, a bajillion children? I wouldn't call that unused, at least not totally so.

SheriffRoscoe April 29, 2011 at 1:38 pm

Your authoress is giving up some high-quality liberal Jew-cock…..

You know who else had a high-quality liberal Jew-cock?

nounverb911 April 29, 2011 at 1:40 pm

Elizabeth Taylor?

nounverb911 April 29, 2011 at 1:44 pm

Ivanka Trump?

RadioSuperman April 29, 2011 at 1:45 pm

Alan Greenspan?… oh, wait that was a libertarian jew-cock.

LesBontemps April 29, 2011 at 1:52 pm

Chelsea Clinton?

Worthly[♬♪♬♪♫♪♬]Skum April 29, 2011 at 1:55 pm

The village of Calcata, Italy?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Calcata#Holy_Prepuce

MinAgain April 29, 2011 at 1:55 pm

Jesus Christ?

widestanceroman April 29, 2011 at 1:56 pm

Hmmm, it's right on the tip of my tongue. . .

Boredw/Gravitas April 29, 2011 at 2:05 pm

Anthony Weiner?

Boojum_Reborn April 29, 2011 at 2:22 pm

Mary Magdalene?

Tommmcattt April 29, 2011 at 2:29 pm

That swim team member I blew in the 9th grade?

SorosBot April 29, 2011 at 3:11 pm

Ben-Hur?

gullywompr April 29, 2011 at 3:15 pm

Staff Sergeant Donny Donowitz?

Negropolis April 30, 2011 at 3:11 am

For once and for real, Jesus is the correct answer.

nounverb911 April 29, 2011 at 1:39 pm

"Also: Jack Stuef for president, the end"
Jack has the "Right Steuf!"

horsedreamer_1 April 29, 2011 at 2:20 pm

Thanks. Thanks a lot. Now, I have NKOTB songs running thru my head.

SorosBot April 29, 2011 at 2:57 pm

And now I have Weird Al's The White Stuff stuck in my head; thanks a lot.

MissTaken April 29, 2011 at 2:41 pm

I can already see the Aquafresh swoosh through S.

deanbooth April 29, 2011 at 2:46 pm

Horray for Jack, whose special post reminds me of the plate smashing scene in Streetcar Named Desire: He wasn't mad at the plate, he was just fed up with Blanche Dubois.

Bonzos_Bed_Time April 29, 2011 at 1:39 pm

While my cousins are indeed idiots, I want to point out that they are all on my wife's side.

mereoblivion April 29, 2011 at 1:44 pm

Sound like she need several cousinectomies, pronto.

ColonelDoctor April 29, 2011 at 1:40 pm

Me too?

Barb April 29, 2011 at 1:41 pm

Unused sex toys? I have some Swarovski crystal studded Ben Wa balls, still in the velvet lined box if you want them. I'm sure they would look great in your Jewery box.

Gopherit April 29, 2011 at 1:50 pm

There are times, indeed, where you can see your future in a pair of crystal balls.

Barb April 29, 2011 at 1:53 pm

Or shove them in your bum and see your past.

gullywompr April 29, 2011 at 7:02 pm

You guys just gonna leave "velvet box" on the table? Man, I'm losing faith…

Barb April 29, 2011 at 8:57 pm

They left "Jewery box" on the table, lol. As in she has a box for a JEW!

tessiee April 29, 2011 at 10:36 pm

"I have some Swarovski crystal studded Ben Wa balls"

Ouch!

Serolf_Divad April 29, 2011 at 1:41 pm

Sorry to bust your bubble, but the real life Sarah Benincasa (who looks nothing like her avatar pictured) is a 68 year old carmelite nun who teaches English, European History and Algebra II at our Holy Blessed Virgin of the Sacred Wounds Catholic Middle School in Queens, when she's not tending to Lepers at Holy Cross Hospital.

Gopherit April 29, 2011 at 1:44 pm

She's made of caramel? How sweet!

Monsieur_Grumpe April 29, 2011 at 1:46 pm

Algebra II?
Oh now that is just too hawt!

MasterDebater April 29, 2011 at 1:52 pm

Actually NOW I'm interested.

horsedreamer_1 April 29, 2011 at 2:20 pm

You know it's tight.

DahBoner April 29, 2011 at 2:21 pm

# IT'S THE LURE OF THE KAVORKA

Bonzos_Bed_Time April 29, 2011 at 1:57 pm

Hot.

natoslug April 29, 2011 at 2:48 pm

Algebra II? Does she have the scoop on Trig as well?

FlownOver May 1, 2011 at 11:46 am

NUN LIBEL!

Lucidamente1 April 29, 2011 at 1:42 pm

Benincasa, now that your man has been, uh, redeployed, I think I speak for all us Wonketteers when I say "show us your long form!"

RadioSuperman April 29, 2011 at 1:42 pm

You dirty little shiksa!

Sharkey April 29, 2011 at 1:44 pm

Afghanistan is very nice this time of year.

chicken_thief April 29, 2011 at 1:44 pm

How will we know how many little boner avatars to rate the sex toys with if they are unused?!

Bonzos_Bed_Time April 29, 2011 at 1:44 pm

Way to take one for the team.

Lascauxcaveman April 29, 2011 at 1:45 pm

Thank you for supporting sexing up our troops, Patriot Sara.

Gopherit April 29, 2011 at 1:47 pm

Aw, Sara. You use that mouth purtier than a Breitard intern. We'll always be here when you want to talk dirty to us.

MinAgain April 29, 2011 at 1:47 pm

Wonkette readers: send me UNUSED sex toys c/o Kenneth Layne

And batteries! Don't forget the batteries. Although it's not like Ken will ever let you have them, either sex toys or batteries.

aguacatero April 29, 2011 at 1:49 pm

God Save the Queen …

of funny.

owhatever April 29, 2011 at 1:51 pm

Vowing to remain celibate for a full year, out intrepid Wonkette set out on a trail of tears, which, hopefully, will lead to a rap on my door late some night as the lass seeks comfort and advice in a candlelit setting with a lot of booze. So sadz.

keepem_sikanpor April 29, 2011 at 1:51 pm

Kill yourselves (not a figure of speech) you brainless wastes of flesh.

Oh, but I love you so very much, Sara.

Gopherit April 29, 2011 at 2:00 pm

She knows we love the pillowtalk.

nounverb911 April 29, 2011 at 2:02 pm

Doris Day and Rock Hudson approve this message.

SaraJBenincasa April 30, 2011 at 3:52 pm

I luffs you backs.

nounverb911 April 29, 2011 at 1:51 pm

Do they know my moronic brother-in-law?

Bonzos_Bed_Time April 29, 2011 at 1:54 pm

Yeah, the probably shop at the same gun store and attend the same Jesus-club.

nounverb911 April 29, 2011 at 1:56 pm

Gun store maybe, the other one not so much.

Bonzos_Bed_Time April 29, 2011 at 1:59 pm

What, no love of the baby-Jeebus! I call shenanigans on that.

Gopherit April 29, 2011 at 2:18 pm

Jesus was a commie progressive. When he comes back he'd better arm himself.

Mumbletypeg April 29, 2011 at 1:52 pm

“regular” (read: “woefully abnormal”)

As earlier stated stated on that comedic comics-boycott thread detailing the conservatwats' meltdown, quoth The Tick/LiveToServeYa:

"betting I am just abnormal enough to survive."

Betting my life on it, I am.

BaldarTFlagass April 29, 2011 at 1:55 pm

I'm too shy to make a comment when the hot chick posts at me.

MasterDebater April 29, 2011 at 1:57 pm

Well you have heard of Stickam, right? You'll be fine.

HempDogbane April 29, 2011 at 2:01 pm

After this, Trump will say "You're conflagrated !"

Mumbletypeg April 29, 2011 at 2:12 pm

Trump ought to take diction lessons from T-Paw. Then he could conflabberdaddle them with the best of Yosemite Sam's galoots.

flamingpdog April 29, 2011 at 5:30 pm

No, he'll say, "You're fucking conflagrated". I think he's been reading Sara's Wonkette posts, the sly devil.

Chet Kincaid April 29, 2011 at 2:09 pm

You had me at "asshandlers!"

Tommmcattt April 29, 2011 at 2:23 pm

The term is both hilarious and absolutely literally true.

undeterredbyreality April 29, 2011 at 2:11 pm

You had me at "70's neon gingersnatch."

Chet Kincaid April 29, 2011 at 2:11 pm

…and then "freedman papers" made me have to change my shorts!

SayItWithWookies April 29, 2011 at 2:12 pm

Too bad about Easter. Saturday usually fills me with hope because Jesus is dead all day, and I figure a good 24 hours without him might inspire some of his idiot followers to go the rest of the year that way (like the Great American Smokeout, right?) but it never happens. Anyway, maybe next year.

And good luck to your bf, Sara — as always, it's the non-flag-waving people who end up loving America more than the loud bastards with the decorated pick-up trucks.

SaraJBenincasa April 30, 2011 at 3:53 pm

Thanks, bubbeleh.

DahBoner April 29, 2011 at 2:15 pm

"While it is funzies to watch a nice rich inbred “English” boy whose real surname is “Saxe-Coburg and Gotha”…"

From now on, it would only be proper to refer to Prince Williams of Wales by his full name:

"His Royal Highness Prince William Arthur Philip Louis, Duke of Cambridge, Early of Strathearn, Baron Carrickfergus, Royal Knight Companion of the Most Noble Order of the Garter, Master of Arts, Motherfucker".

nappyduggs April 29, 2011 at 2:24 pm

And they say that Black folks give their chirren funny names. Hmmmph.

Ms Whatever May 4, 2011 at 1:48 am

Welcome back, nappyduggs, your grumpy humor has been missed!

nappyduggs May 4, 2011 at 12:39 pm

Awwww. Fuck you very much! I kid, I kid. Happy (?) to be back amongst my tribe. It sucks out there on your own:(

tessiee April 29, 2011 at 10:45 pm

"His Royal Highness Prince William Arthur Philip Louis, Duke of Cambridge, Early of Strathearn, Baron Carrickfergus, Royal Knight Companion of the Most Noble Order of the Garter, Master of Arts, Motherfucker"

I thought that was Samuel L. Jackson's full name, or is that: "His Royal Highness … Bad Ass Motherfucker"?

DahBoner May 1, 2011 at 4:26 pm

Well, I heard that Prince Williams humbly requests his friends to drop the formalities and just refer to him as "Sir Motherfucker"…

FlownOver May 1, 2011 at 11:55 am

I had carrickfergus once, but it's susceptible to treatment with a broad-spectrum antibiotic.

slithytoves April 29, 2011 at 2:18 pm

Re: sex toys. I recommend the beloved original rabbit.

ttommyunger April 29, 2011 at 2:21 pm

"…with her PRIMARY sex partner…" Newt "Horn Dog" Gingrich just sat up a little straighter in his Barco-Lounger. Thought bubble over his ginormous head: "So, I have a chance, then?"

Bonzos_Bed_Time April 29, 2011 at 2:43 pm

Doesn't he need to wait till his spouse catches the cancer or is in a car accident or something?

ttommyunger April 29, 2011 at 4:05 pm

Easily arranged.

tessiee April 29, 2011 at 10:46 pm

Or until hell freezes over?

emmelemm April 29, 2011 at 2:28 pm

Snark off for a second, I'd just like to say thanks for pointing out that your beloved Jew-cock is a thousand times more patriotic than any of the mouth-breathing, Rascal-driving, down-thumbing Beckian FUCKHEADS that yell at everybody else about not being patriotic enough. Our thoughts are with him.

SaraJBenincasa April 30, 2011 at 3:54 pm

Thanks. He appreciated your comment, too. Haha he has to wear camo like a fucking GI Joe doll all weekend.

emmelemm April 30, 2011 at 5:02 pm

A Real American Hero!

simplyblue7 April 29, 2011 at 2:28 pm

Freedom isn't free…and neither is sexy time…

Bonzos_Bed_Time April 29, 2011 at 2:43 pm

Roofies don't cost that much.

fuflans April 29, 2011 at 2:35 pm

Kill yourselves (not a figure of speech) you brainless wastes of flesh.

i too look forward to our next wingtard jihad.

Bonzos_Bed_Time April 29, 2011 at 2:41 pm

If only I was making this stuff up… :-(

Bonzos_Bed_Time April 29, 2011 at 2:42 pm

But with extra hands.

WhatTheHeck April 29, 2011 at 2:42 pm

Well, if that wasn’t a sexually-charged piece, I don’t know Sara from Lady Chatterley of Lady Chatterley’s lover fame.

And on top of it all, Sara’s early today. Sexually frustrated, I guess.

RadioSuperman April 29, 2011 at 2:44 pm

♫ ♬ Huh, She got soul and she's superbad! ♫ ♬

tessiee April 29, 2011 at 10:37 pm

Good God, y'all!

*dances with booty higher than head*

Ducksworthy April 29, 2011 at 2:44 pm

Ask your boyfriend to send some composted goat turds to the Donald so he can experience the thrill of war. Oh yeah, and tell him its hash.

deanbooth April 29, 2011 at 2:49 pm

"BLACK AND WHITE BOTH AT ONCE"

What's black and white and red all over? Communist Obama!

Chillwaver April 29, 2011 at 2:50 pm

"mix up the gene pool with fresh blood so as to avoid the dreaded mandibular prognathism/shark eyes/trouty mouth of his forebears"

Is Michele Bachmann part of the British Royal family? I would've never guessed…

SorosBot April 29, 2011 at 3:06 pm

I – I think I need a kleenex and new underwear after that.

gullywompr April 29, 2011 at 3:11 pm

Five "fucks". Much improved.

BarackMyWorld April 29, 2011 at 3:21 pm

This year, instead of forcing my boyfriend Brian Mosteller to wear the Donnie Darko ensemble…

Why are you wearing that stupid man suit?

schvitzatura April 30, 2011 at 8:27 am

The Tangent Universe collapsed 3742 days, 8 hours, 27 minutes, and 5 seconds ago…

BarackMyWorld April 29, 2011 at 3:23 pm

And Fister Roboto was here, so counter-thumbs up for everyone!

Warpde April 29, 2011 at 4:17 pm

My wife said that she would offer up her favorite sexy sexy toy for you but unfortunately he's also being deployed.

gullywompr April 29, 2011 at 4:59 pm

Unfortunately? Oh, right… for Sara…

flamingpdog April 29, 2011 at 5:26 pm

John Boehner posts at Wonkette?? Oh, "weeping AT the ignorance and hatred", not weeping WITH.

fuflans April 29, 2011 at 5:37 pm

ok after watching the west wing vid, i just have to ask:

why can't barry find pants that aren't dad pants? he's got a fucking hollywood (for a president) body and dude always looks like an old white golfer or something.

what is up with that?

drrty_martini April 29, 2011 at 5:48 pm

Word.

tessiee April 29, 2011 at 10:33 pm

"mix up the gene pool with fresh blood so as to avoid the dreaded mandibular prognathism/shark eyes/trouty mouth of his forebears"

So that's why W looks the way he does!

tessiee April 29, 2011 at 10:35 pm

"the mob of angry stupid Amurrrican whites with their lynchin’ ropes and their switches, i.e., your asshole grandparents and idiot cousins"

My dear Madam, I'll have you know that MY idiot cousins spend their time seeking out inappropriate sex partners in sleazy skank bars, NOT lynching!

Angry_Marmot April 30, 2011 at 7:37 am

MY cousins found each each other.

tessiee April 29, 2011 at 10:44 pm

Yes! With the really cheesy text a la the J. Peterman catalog.

Negropolis April 30, 2011 at 3:07 am

On Tuesday, Barry did lots of teevee interviews with reporters from teensy-weensy markets all over the country. Congratulations, Darla Ladytooth from KRAP-TV in Bodega Bay! You win the decade in your zipcode. Your future as the most successful elderly real-estate agent in your county is assured, and a seat on the town council is most definitely yours.

It's not fair how good you are with words. I was probably laughing for ten minutes straight with but a few second respites.

Y'all know that Darla Ladytooth's #1 on the Westside, right?

SaraJBenincasa April 30, 2011 at 3:56 pm

Thank you!

SaraJBenincasa April 30, 2011 at 3:55 pm

AHAHAH FUCK MEAT.

Lost_Teabaggers April 30, 2011 at 5:41 pm

Three thoughts on this, first, condolences on having to let your human sex toy wander off to Afghanistan for a year. Hopefully all will go well there and you'll have your liberal jewish-dick back in one piece.

Second, I've been replacement dick before and I'll be replacement dick again should you ever find yourself on the best coast, drop me a line. You can wear your Palin glasses (nerd girls are hot) but no Bachmann voice, that's a no-no.

Third, I like that you've got your rage well honed and placed at just the right people. My only thought is, you're kind of shooting yourself in the foot by abusing the particular type of wingnut you're abusing here. Everyone knows the macho, religious Beck-watching wingnuts compile the best sex toys (because there isn't enough therapy for what goes on inside these people) for their secret gay orgies. You probably should have complimented them to get the freaky unused church function sextoys, THEN let the righteous anger fly. Oh, It's also funny to note the most homophobic inbreds among wingnuts always seem to have such detailed knowledge of gay sex acts (google Sean Hannity describes "fisting"). I too have a head cold, a pretty intense one, hence why I'm responding now. Anyway, thanks for the ass-handler greeting shoutout (I'm state certified) too all us hedonistic, leftwing godless commonists!

outragedcitizen May 1, 2011 at 1:01 pm

Sorry to hear about your sex boy toy, Sarah. I have a son at West Point and he too will soon be going to that garden spot for vacation. So, I join you in wanting this decade of trumped up, ill-conceived, badly planned genocide, I mean, wars, comes to a speedy end.

Seriously, all the best to your friend. Tell him to keep his head and ass down and come home safe.

CivicHoliday May 1, 2011 at 3:58 pm

((hugs)) for your boo, Sara. Don't forget to send him care packages stock full of fleshlights and KY, so he doesn't get too desperate and end up contracting herpes from a goat anus.

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