About the author

Riley is an "internet blogger." He has written for such internet websites as True/Slant and the terrible Brangelina gossip emporium "The Huffington Post." Riley lives in northeast DC, near H Street. Maybe you do too and want to hang out?

View all articles by Riley Waggaman
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  • Hatrabbit

    Her father was an alien from the planet K-enyar.

    • Negropolis

      No, no, no. Get your conspiracies straight, my good lad (lass?). Michelle is the native-born Black Nationalist. Here husband is the foreign-born Indo-African marxist.

  • OC_Burf_Serf

    It's for resting on Barack's extra knee…jeez!

    • Negropolis

      Three hands would be quite the advantage in other marital (non-marital if you're kinky) activities, if you know what I mean.

      • CthuNHu

        Now that's every man's fantasy wife.

  • comrad_darkness

    Zaphod?

    or Zaphhand, perhaps…

  • Papa_Uniform

    And, oh scandal, it's white!

    • Not_So_Much

      First thing I thought of. What kind of scam are they trying now to steal our freedoms?!?!11?!

  • Hatrabbit

    Barack has a phantom knee that shows up randomly in photos, she has a phantom (white) hand. Neither of these body parts are documented on their 'birth certificates'.

    Harmless coincidence? You decide (but if you say yes, you're wrong.)

  • Callyson

    Well, the third hand is for flipping the bird to the wingnuts. A FLOTUS has to multitask these days.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Very diplomatic … 'cause a raised black finger would bother them, maybe.

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

    Must have been photoshopped by the same ponytail guy that Alan Jones found to show the birth certificate had been shopped.

  • WhatTheHeck

    Know what? I have never seen Obama in real life. I’m beginning to think everything about this man has been shopped. There is no real person, just someone the republicans made up so the Teabaggies could have a reason for existing.

    • OkieDokieDog

      I'm jumping on board your conspiracy crazy train.

      • WhatTheHeck

        Its not so crazy when you write it all down on a chalk board while holding a pointing stick. Go read it for yourself.

        • RavenRant

          My theory: Chalk dust is hallucinogenic.

          • horsedreamer_1

            Why do you think I always wanted to clap the erasers in third & fourth grade? Al the Janitor had slipped acid into the chalk.

    • finallyhappy

      Sorry,I've seen him twice and my daughter has shaken his hand. However, we were under mass hypnosis

    • SorosBot

      I have spoken to the man and can confirm that he exists, or at least did in 1996.

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      I'm with you, Heck, I think these others are all part of the conspiracy to make us believe in Obama.

    • Terry

      I ate Obama flavored ice cream once, but I'm reasonably sure it didn't contain any actual Obama.

      • finallyhappy

        Was this at Tropical Ice Cream on Georgia? The flavor she created to honor the President?

        • Terry

          Yep, York Castle Tropical Ice Cream. OMG, love love love love

      • comrad_darkness

        So, kind of like the Eucharist, you are saying.

      • Worthly[♬♪♬♪♫♪♬]Skum

        Chocolate Ambrosia.

    • AJW@[redacted]

      Then who sent me that email begging for money this morning?

      • http://whateveritisimagainstit.blogspot.com trampndirtdown

        Anthony Wiener?

    • not that Dewey

      Simone/Biden 2012!

    • Negropolis

      I really think Obama is just a collection of African pygmies stacked atop one another in a dastardly plan to take over America.

      That's what I heard on Fox, anyway. And Fox ain't never wrong.

      • horsedreamer_1

        Then, the GOP can run an hippopotamus against him in 2012. Easy win.

        • Moonbat

          Sadly, Haley Barbour decided not to run.

  • Hatrabbit

    Is Obama shaking the invisible hand of the Free Market?

    • HempDogbane

      Invisible hand usually rests on the shoulder of ordinary Presidents. In Obama's case reaches for his ass.

      • horsedreamer_1

        I was thinking of the Replacements — Pleased to Meet Me.

  • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

    Somebody give the First Lady a hand.
    They're in love and walk hand in hand (in hand).
    And today was the day Oprah became known as "The Hook".

  • Warpde

    Well if it's like having a third nipple life for Barack is good.

  • Gopherit

    That's the normally invisible hand of the market. The Breitards and Reptilians finally got to him.

  • Hatrabbit

    I would LOVE to get a graphic design job at Wonkette, but I know I could never get my MS Paint skills up to this level of sophistication.

    • Gopherit

      Plus, you know, Blingees.

      • Hatrabbit

        Forgot about that.

        Shit man, back to greeting Walmart customers.

        • DashboardBuddha

          Walmart greeters: When our local store opened, the greeters were all, "WELCOME to Walmart! Hello!! How can I help you?!"

          Now they're all, "Welcome to Walmart, here's your fucking cart. Welcome to Walmart, here's your fucking cart. Welcome to…what? Paint? It's in the fucking paint department. Here's your fucking cart."

          • Gopherit

            You just admitted to shopping at wal-mart. SCAB!!!

          • DashboardBuddha

            Hey…don't pick on me.

          • not that Dewey

            Scab!

            Picket!

            Don't; it might get infected.

          • Rotundo_

            It's what happens to people in retail: You start out before Xmas all happy and chirpy to be working, by the time Memorial Day rolls around, if you're still employed, you have the ten thousand yard stare and start talking like a jersey cabbie with a hangover. It's about all the contact with customers: If dealing with them full time for a few months doesn't suck the soul from you, the management will finish you off. Nurses Aides are the only ones who have it worse from what I have seen.

          • RadioAfterbirther

            I'll bet prison guard at the LA County Jail ain't no picnic.

          • BaldarTFlagass

            How 'bout security guard on the midnight shift at the Buckhead GA IHOP?

          • Angry_Marmot

            Special ed teachers, after a day of meetings with parents and social workers.

        • HELisforHEL

          That's kinda my retirement plan.

  • http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=351473119155 Fred_Wertham_Jr

    What's "Drudge"?

    • http://intensedebate.com/logout Gleem_McShineys

      When your santorum gets in your fedora.

    • not that Dewey

      It's how they get all the toxins out of the rivers.

    • Negropolis

      Just what it sounds like, pure and utter drudgery.

  • http://www.facebook.com/pages/Johnny-Appletruth/133951326629923?sk=wall deanbooth

    I blame his handlers.

  • gullywompr

    That's hawt.

  • facehead

    Wait a second .. that Drudge Siren is obviously photoshopped! a REAL Drudge Siren is much louder, much more annoying, and usually implies there's a boatload of dildos (and/or a very courageous Riley Waggaman) nearby ….

    Nice Try Wonkette.

  • bokononista

    The nail polish matches on all three hands. This is legit!

    • undeterredbyreality

      Oops–inadvertent downfist. Add two, take the square root of total fists for the day, divide by the total number of posts, and have another shot: Winning!

      • bokononista

        Undeterred by fisting, inadvertent or not. Enthused by the algorithmic breakdown you've produced!

    • not that Dewey

      But but but they didn't have roller-ball nail polish in 2011.

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    Left, right, and ambidextrous triangulating obvs.

  • EatsBabyDingos

    Verily, I say unto you:

    I'd care more if it was a third breast.

    • Not_So_Much

      Especially if it were on Barak Hussein Obamar. A zombie HoveRound apocalypse would ensue.

      • horsedreamer_1

        Barack did have a phase when Mechanical Animals was his favourite album.

        We're all stars now… in the hope show.

    • poncho_pilot
  • Barb

    I'm sure she wears a burqa when they are alone and it is not that noticeable.

    • flamingpdog

      Do they have "burqa burga" parties like that Berlusconi feller?

  • bumfug

    Oh thank "god," the guys at Area 51 were going nuts looking for that motherfucker!

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Three hands, no wonder he always seems so happy.

    Or maybe this is the invisible hand finally deciding to come out. And with Obama. This will send the Randians up the wall.

  • bumfug

    Well, nothing on TV but that royal pain in the ass, uh, I mean wedding – might as well kill some time by upfisting everybody to undo the phantom troll's mischief. Yeah, upfist everybody but me but I'm sure someone else will take care of that.

    • http://memory-alpha.org/wiki/Armus UpFistTroll

      Ask and ye shall receive.

    • RavenRant

      Done, and DONE.

    • Doktor Zoom

      Pardon me for breathing, which I never do anyway so I don't know why I bother to say it, oh God I'm so depressed. Life! Don't talk to me about life."

      • bumfug

        Have you ever wondered what Wonkette would have been like if you hadn't been around to post ?

        • Doktor Zoom

          I'm not getting you down at all, am I? I have this terrible pain in all the diodes down my left side….

          • http://oliphantparts.org/ natoslug

            I have this terrible pain in all the dildos in down my left side.

          • bumfug

            Did I fuck up and make you think my name is Clarence?

  • Crank_Tango

    I think that extra hand belongs to bill ayers.

    • Gopherit

      Not Soros?

      • Crank_Tango

        no that one's in the back of barry's suit.

      • RavenRant

        Have you ever seen Ayers and Soros in the same place at the same time? Hmmmm?!?

        • horsedreamer_1

          Given Soros, Jewish, Hungarian, naturalized American, Davos regular (has to be, right?) is a man of the world, I think "pallin' around with tourists" applies, here.

    • flamingpdog

      Obama's a snob – he'salways putting on Ayers.

  • Gopherit

    Admit it, Riley. Your Overlord Breitbart made you post this. Come to the light, Riley.

  • RadioAfterbirther

    It's nothing but preztidigitation. Big whoop.

    • Crank_Tango

      a little sleight of hand, heingh?

    • Doktor Zoom

      I guess some people will do anything to get extra thumbs, won't they?

  • pinkocommi

    In India, Michelle would be revered as a goddess for having three hands. In the US, she is reviled as a pinko commie for fighting obesity. The moral of the story is that idiocy knows no geographic or cultural boundaries.

  • finallyhappy

    I have strawberries and my plate celebrating the birth of Prince William- I am ready for the most important event at 3 AM tomorrow

    • Cicada

      God, I know. I'm super duper excited for the anniversary of the Louisiana Purchase too.

    • horsedreamer_1

      I will serenade Camilla with this: "it's 3 am, you must be homely".

      Also: any chance William is marrying into the Middleton family of glourified chavs to make his dad's second wife look better?

  • a_pink_poodle

    My God! My worst fears are realized!

    Obama… is just a big PHOTOSHOP! How come no one has ever seen him in person? I haven't seen one person who has met him in person!

  • JackDempsey1

    I'm not sure where she got it, but it sure would be useful when you're playing the slots.

    • Negropolis

      Is that a double entendre, or do you literally mean gambling at video slots at the Venetian?

  • Cheetah Repeater

    Unlike his 'certificate of live birth' (pffffft!) you can't fake something like this!

  • Guppy06

    Hand job!

  • DrunkIrishman

    It's the hand of Pres. Obama's clone Barry Soetoro!

  • Beetagger

    Barack is so well hung that it takes 3 hands to give him a proper handjob.

  • SayItWithWookies

    One hand is for liberals to be disappointed by, and the second hand is for conservatives to be outraged about. And on the other hand, there's the tea party…

    • Negropolis

      I wish she'd use all three to choke the lifeforce out of those bastards…as if I even have to indentify who "those bastards" are. She should take pieces of Barry's birf ceriticate and "show it down their throats."

  • Crank_Tango

    I can't believe someone would downfist a national treasure like yourself tommy, but here we are, and I have done what I can to correct the injustice done by the invisible fist.

    • ttommyunger

      Honestly, I would not know how to check the up/down fisting activity; that's how fucking clueless I am; and please don't enlighten me, I am happy in my ignorance. Hmmm. sounds like Dubya there. I scare myself.

      • RadioSuperman

        it's like Midway ttommy, if you see Zeroes, just keep dive-bombing with SBD Dauntless' and upfisting away.

        • ttommyunger

          Think I'll just stick with the ranting and snarking.

      • Crank_Tango

        yeah that's the pointless thing about it. you only know it's happening when people's scores are at 0. which lasts for maybe a minute until someone comes along and upfists you. so this asshole sits on here all day, and maybe for a second someone has a score of 0 on a post and never even knew what happened.

        talk about a waste of time, talk about going galt!

        • ttommyunger

          And I thought I had no life!

          • flamingpdog

            You HAVE no life, ttommy. No, wait, I'm going Republican, and projecting MY situation in life onto you.

          • ttommyunger

            OK then!

  • AJW@[redacted]

    I'm thinking that maybe The Addams Family musical is folding it's tent, and Thing needed a new gig.

  • DahBoner

    "Your wife has three hands"

    That means she has three fingers to give to 'Whitey', motherfuckers…

  • jus_wonderin

    oh gawd, i think i see her lizard skin zipper

  • Slim_Pickins

    Slight of hand so to speak?

  • Doktor Zoom

    Not sure, but I'm pretty sure this would be the preferred soundtrack.

    • ttommyunger

      Minus the primordial scream at the end.

  • unclejeems

    Phantom knee, third hand, now what? Personally, I'm waiting for the Teatards to start screeching about a long-form marriage certificate and proof of a prenuptial blood test. He's half "white" and since she's "black," then it could turn out via DNA that the marriage is illegal, according to a law that was struck down 40 years ago in Virginia. That would be about right for the 'Tards, or is that far back enough? Plessy v. Ferguson, anyone?

    The fall-back position would be their law school transcripts. Wait for it.

    • flamingpdog

      Fall-back position? Is that in the Kenya Sutra?

      • unclejeems

        That would be the lay-back position. Best done on the way-back machine. In transit between Kenya and Hawaii. And Indonesia.

  • freddymcmurray

    talk to the hand, sucka, talk to the hand

  • freddymcmurray

    a bird in the hand is worth three in the bush? this shit just writes itself.

  • unjamie

    The photographer explains this here: http://bit.ly/iI5rPO — but in my opinion, the explanation just raises more questions than it answers. In other words fake fake faaaaake FAKE FAKE.

  • RavenRant

    Idle 3rd Hand = Devil's Workshop!

  • JoshuaNorton

    OK, now I demand to see the longer form birth certificate. What is he trying to hide? Huh? Huh? ANsWer MeeE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    • Schmannnity

      retard Downs Syndrome testing one two three

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        19 hours and counting.

        • Schmannnity

          safe!

    • tribbzthesquidz

      Wherz the auto-tuned extended dance remix?!?! Or the twenty minute live version with the long jam?

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    That's the magical hand that guides and oversees the free market.

  • MaxUdargo

    Seriously, though… is this normal now? Are "photojournalists" routinely doctoring photos to "sweeten" them?

    What, am I fucking stupid? OF COURSE photojournalists have abandoned all pretense of professional ethics. Jesus, Max, the country thinks Donald Trump is a credible presidential candidate and everybody thinks you have right of way if you're turning left, you think the fucking photojournalists are clinging to rational integrity? You're old, Max! You're old and stupid and you should just shut up and die because dogs bark, okay? It's normal for dogs to bark and the police are tired of you wasting their time and they can't do anything about it unless the dog barks for 10-minutes straight while they sit in their car listening. And if the dog breaks off for 30 seconds during that 10-minute observation period, then you're just testing the officer's patience. You see that condescending smile? He's just dealing with you and your cranky complaints. But don't push it. They gave him a taser just for situations like this. Because a dog can't keep you awake at night if it doesn't bark non-stop for 10 minutes straight while a cop is listening. Silly old man. Stupid old man. But don't worry, we can see you're scared so we'll tolerate you and smile. But you're going to have to deal with the dogs. You can sleep when you're dead.

    What the hell was I posting about? This is wonkette? Did that fucking Lobsterback Palin do something stupid again?

    I'm really not senile, just drunk.

  • BarackMyWorld
    • SayItWithWookies

      Oh sure — then explain why it takes her mother three more frames to show up after the hand does. Couldn't it also be true that Michelle's mother follows her daughter around just in case they need a convenient scapegoat for why Michelle has three hands? This "explanation" raises at least as many questions as it answers.

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

      That's great. Truly a sign of the times.

    • RadioSuperman

      That only raises more questions.

      • flamingpdog

        Look at the third picture. Michelle has three knees!

    • fuflans

      man that woman rocks any outfit she puts on.

      • tribbzthesquidz

        I noted that also noted.

    • Boojum_Reborn

      It's the Hand of Glory. Like a voodoo glory hole.

    • Doktor Zoom

      Wow, she just appeared out of nowhere…like some kind of magic…uh…magic….(what's the word?) OH, yeah! Like a NUN!

      Those nuns, I tell ya, you'd think you were going to get away with something, and BAM! Out of nowhere, there they were!

    • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

      BarackMyWorld: You must be so very, very honored to have had a hand in resolving this issue. Very proud to have done something no one else has been able to do. Very honored. Also proud.

    • DashboardBuddha

      Wait a cotton-picking moment here! Michelle Obama's mother is allowed to ride Air Force One? What the hell are we running here, a bus service? Put the hag on commercial and remove this crushing burden from the back of the American white taxpayer!

      There, I have summarized just about every comment on Yahoo news.

  • Negropolis

    Michelle Obama Has Three Hands

    The better to needlessly strangle small mammals with, my dear.

    You know what other sinister things come in threes?

    • SayItWithWookies
    • flamingpdog

      The Holy Trinity?

      • MadBrahms

        The Palin daughters?

    • poncho_pilot

      sexually deviant mathematicians?

      • http://intensedebate.com/logout Gleem_McShineys

        American Pi

    • Doktor Zoom

      Downfisters?

    • horsedreamer_1

      Stooges?

  • catholic4condom

    Her hair looks blown back. Has she been using the Trojan "messager". An extra hand could come in er…handy.

  • Warpde

    Damn you photoshop!!!!!
    It was supposed to be a dick.

    Ha Ha.. only took me 6 hours to think of that one…
    Fuck I'm getting too old.

  • Blendergoathead

    If I had three hands, I'd never leave the house, ftw.

    • Negropolis

      Yes, you did just win the internets.

  • BZ1

    When will Obie stop using that PhotoShop?

  • FlipOffResearch

    I don’t know what it’s like for you guys, but I’ll tell you what it’s like for me.

    You wanna here some jokes: Whats Obama got in common with JFK and RFK . . . nothing yet!

    How about this: When Brady got half his brain blown out he turned into a Democrat. You can tell because he was for gun control. Why do you think Gabby Giffords recovery was so quick? She’s a Democrat. She only had half a brain in the first place.

    I hear shit like this every day. You guys don’t know how hard I am in the middle of teabaggers.

    It does help to comment here, when I can.

  • Boojum_Reborn

    Syncobated?

    • Doktor Zoom

      ow. My head.

    • ttommyunger

      I'll never know; I barely have room for two at one time.

  • fuflans

    it just occured to me and you know what really sucks? all the world will be watching the royal wedding and we will probably be represented by hoverounds specially imported for the occasion.

    ack.

  • Extemporanus

    Man, Barry's p-ness must be friggin' huge.

    MOAR LOVEFISTS PLEEZ MRS O!!

  • http://timothysees.blogspot.com/ natl_indecency_cmdr

    also, "trig" is the answer to 54-down.

  • fuflans

    i really hope SOMEONE is liveblogging the royal wedding as i must to bed.

  • sallysubterfuge

    And to think all this time I was fixated on her amazing arms.

  • http://wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

    Three hands, warm heart.

  • BarackMyWorld

    Terrorist fist-bump indeed.

  • http://www.frso.org/index.htm 4TheTurnstiles

    I don't care about her prostheses… Michelle is still damned fine. She can feed me organic arugula anytime she wants.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    ♫ I know a cat named Way-Out Barry,
    Got a cool little chick named Rocking Shelly.
    She can walk and stroll and Susie Q
    And do that crazy hand jive, too.♪

  • http://wonkette.com/ Monsieur_Grumpe

    Hopey is one lucky dude.

  • http://www.marionstein.net MarionNYNY

    I remember during the election, people were always saying there was "something" about her they didn't like. That must have been it.

  • horsedreamer_1

    Hands across the neck of America.

  • James Michael Curley

    You'll also notice that the plane has no wings.

  • jus_wonderin

    Hey, so what? Sarah has two faces.

  • HELisforHEL

    Oh dear. Thank you Riley–thank you for the most hysterical post I have seen all week. I'm crying in my drab gray cubicle of sadness. But lo, these are tears of joy at the sheer awesomness of this post.
    I desperately needed the laugh. I'm certain we all did. THANK YEW!!!

  • Negropolis

    Just like.