About the author

Riley is an "internet blogger." He has written for such internet websites as True/Slant and the terrible Brangelina gossip emporium "The Huffington Post." Riley lives in northeast DC, near H Street. Maybe you do too and want to hang out?

View all articles by Riley Waggaman
What Others Are Reading

Hola wonkerados.

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    1. Negropolis

      No, no, no. Get your conspiracies straight, my good lad (lass?). Michelle is the native-born Black Nationalist. Here husband is the foreign-born Indo-African marxist.

    1. Negropolis

      Three hands would be quite the advantage in other marital (non-marital if you're kinky) activities, if you know what I mean.

    1. Not_So_Much

      First thing I thought of. What kind of scam are they trying now to steal our freedoms?!?!11?!

  1. Hatrabbit

    Barack has a phantom knee that shows up randomly in photos, she has a phantom (white) hand. Neither of these body parts are documented on their 'birth certificates'.

    Harmless coincidence? You decide (but if you say yes, you're wrong.)

  2. Callyson

    Well, the third hand is for flipping the bird to the wingnuts. A FLOTUS has to multitask these days.

  3. WhatTheHeck

    Know what? I have never seen Obama in real life. I’m beginning to think everything about this man has been shopped. There is no real person, just someone the republicans made up so the Teabaggies could have a reason for existing.

      1. WhatTheHeck

        Its not so crazy when you write it all down on a chalk board while holding a pointing stick. Go read it for yourself.

          1. horsedreamer_1

            Why do you think I always wanted to clap the erasers in third & fourth grade? Al the Janitor had slipped acid into the chalk.

    1. finallyhappy

      Sorry,I've seen him twice and my daughter has shaken his hand. However, we were under mass hypnosis

    2. Lionel[redacted]Esq

      I'm with you, Heck, I think these others are all part of the conspiracy to make us believe in Obama.

    3. Terry

      I ate Obama flavored ice cream once, but I'm reasonably sure it didn't contain any actual Obama.

      1. finallyhappy

        Was this at Tropical Ice Cream on Georgia? The flavor she created to honor the President?

    4. Negropolis

      I really think Obama is just a collection of African pygmies stacked atop one another in a dastardly plan to take over America.

      That's what I heard on Fox, anyway. And Fox ain't never wrong.

    1. HempDogbane

      Invisible hand usually rests on the shoulder of ordinary Presidents. In Obama's case reaches for his ass.

  4. JustPixelz

    Somebody give the First Lady a hand.
    They're in love and walk hand in hand (in hand).
    And today was the day Oprah became known as "The Hook".

  5. Gopherit

    That's the normally invisible hand of the market. The Breitards and Reptilians finally got to him.

  6. Hatrabbit

    I would LOVE to get a graphic design job at Wonkette, but I know I could never get my MS Paint skills up to this level of sophistication.

        1. DashboardBuddha

          Walmart greeters: When our local store opened, the greeters were all, "WELCOME to Walmart! Hello!! How can I help you?!"

          Now they're all, "Welcome to Walmart, here's your fucking cart. Welcome to Walmart, here's your fucking cart. Welcome to…what? Paint? It's in the fucking paint department. Here's your fucking cart."

          1. Rotundo_

            It's what happens to people in retail: You start out before Xmas all happy and chirpy to be working, by the time Memorial Day rolls around, if you're still employed, you have the ten thousand yard stare and start talking like a jersey cabbie with a hangover. It's about all the contact with customers: If dealing with them full time for a few months doesn't suck the soul from you, the management will finish you off. Nurses Aides are the only ones who have it worse from what I have seen.

  7. facehead

    Wait a second .. that Drudge Siren is obviously photoshopped! a REAL Drudge Siren is much louder, much more annoying, and usually implies there's a boatload of dildos (and/or a very courageous Riley Waggaman) nearby ….

    Nice Try Wonkette.

    1. undeterredbyreality

      Oops–inadvertent downfist. Add two, take the square root of total fists for the day, divide by the total number of posts, and have another shot: Winning!

      1. bokononista

        Undeterred by fisting, inadvertent or not. Enthused by the algorithmic breakdown you've produced!

    1. Not_So_Much

      Especially if it were on Barak Hussein Obamar. A zombie HoveRound apocalypse would ensue.

      1. horsedreamer_1

        Barack did have a phase when Mechanical Animals was his favourite album.

        We're all stars now… in the hope show.

  8. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Three hands, no wonder he always seems so happy.

    Or maybe this is the invisible hand finally deciding to come out. And with Obama. This will send the Randians up the wall.

  9. bumfug

    Well, nothing on TV but that royal pain in the ass, uh, I mean wedding – might as well kill some time by upfisting everybody to undo the phantom troll's mischief. Yeah, upfist everybody but me but I'm sure someone else will take care of that.

    1. Doktor Zoom

      Pardon me for breathing, which I never do anyway so I don't know why I bother to say it, oh God I'm so depressed. Life! Don't talk to me about life."

        1. Doktor Zoom

          I'm not getting you down at all, am I? I have this terrible pain in all the diodes down my left side….

        1. horsedreamer_1

          Given Soros, Jewish, Hungarian, naturalized American, Davos regular (has to be, right?) is a man of the world, I think "pallin' around with tourists" applies, here.

  10. pinkocommi

    In India, Michelle would be revered as a goddess for having three hands. In the US, she is reviled as a pinko commie for fighting obesity. The moral of the story is that idiocy knows no geographic or cultural boundaries.

  11. finallyhappy

    I have strawberries and my plate celebrating the birth of Prince William- I am ready for the most important event at 3 AM tomorrow

    1. horsedreamer_1

      I will serenade Camilla with this: "it's 3 am, you must be homely".

      Also: any chance William is marrying into the Middleton family of glourified chavs to make his dad's second wife look better?

  12. a_pink_poodle

    My God! My worst fears are realized!

    Obama… is just a big PHOTOSHOP! How come no one has ever seen him in person? I haven't seen one person who has met him in person!

  13. JackDempsey1

    I'm not sure where she got it, but it sure would be useful when you're playing the slots.

    1. Negropolis

      Is that a double entendre, or do you literally mean gambling at video slots at the Venetian?

  14. Cheetah Repeater

    Unlike his 'certificate of live birth' (pffffft!) you can't fake something like this!

  15. SayItWithWookies

    One hand is for liberals to be disappointed by, and the second hand is for conservatives to be outraged about. And on the other hand, there's the tea party…

    1. Negropolis

      I wish she'd use all three to choke the lifeforce out of those bastards…as if I even have to indentify who "those bastards" are. She should take pieces of Barry's birf ceriticate and "show it down their throats."

  16. Crank_Tango

    I can't believe someone would downfist a national treasure like yourself tommy, but here we are, and I have done what I can to correct the injustice done by the invisible fist.

    1. ttommyunger

      Honestly, I would not know how to check the up/down fisting activity; that's how fucking clueless I am; and please don't enlighten me, I am happy in my ignorance. Hmmm. sounds like Dubya there. I scare myself.

      1. RadioSuperman

        it's like Midway ttommy, if you see Zeroes, just keep dive-bombing with SBD Dauntless' and upfisting away.

      2. Crank_Tango

        yeah that's the pointless thing about it. you only know it's happening when people's scores are at 0. which lasts for maybe a minute until someone comes along and upfists you. so this asshole sits on here all day, and maybe for a second someone has a score of 0 on a post and never even knew what happened.

        talk about a waste of time, talk about going galt!

          1. flamingpdog

            You HAVE no life, ttommy. No, wait, I'm going Republican, and projecting MY situation in life onto you.

  17. AJW@[redacted]

    I'm thinking that maybe The Addams Family musical is folding it's tent, and Thing needed a new gig.

  18. DahBoner

    "Your wife has three hands"

    That means she has three fingers to give to 'Whitey', motherfuckers…

  19. unclejeems

    Phantom knee, third hand, now what? Personally, I'm waiting for the Teatards to start screeching about a long-form marriage certificate and proof of a prenuptial blood test. He's half "white" and since she's "black," then it could turn out via DNA that the marriage is illegal, according to a law that was struck down 40 years ago in Virginia. That would be about right for the 'Tards, or is that far back enough? Plessy v. Ferguson, anyone?

    The fall-back position would be their law school transcripts. Wait for it.

      1. unclejeems

        That would be the lay-back position. Best done on the way-back machine. In transit between Kenya and Hawaii. And Indonesia.

  20. JoshuaNorton

    OK, now I demand to see the longer form birth certificate. What is he trying to hide? Huh? Huh? ANsWer MeeE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    1. tribbzthesquidz

      Wherz the auto-tuned extended dance remix?!?! Or the twenty minute live version with the long jam?

  21. MaxUdargo

    Seriously, though… is this normal now? Are "photojournalists" routinely doctoring photos to "sweeten" them?

    What, am I fucking stupid? OF COURSE photojournalists have abandoned all pretense of professional ethics. Jesus, Max, the country thinks Donald Trump is a credible presidential candidate and everybody thinks you have right of way if you're turning left, you think the fucking photojournalists are clinging to rational integrity? You're old, Max! You're old and stupid and you should just shut up and die because dogs bark, okay? It's normal for dogs to bark and the police are tired of you wasting their time and they can't do anything about it unless the dog barks for 10-minutes straight while they sit in their car listening. And if the dog breaks off for 30 seconds during that 10-minute observation period, then you're just testing the officer's patience. You see that condescending smile? He's just dealing with you and your cranky complaints. But don't push it. They gave him a taser just for situations like this. Because a dog can't keep you awake at night if it doesn't bark non-stop for 10 minutes straight while a cop is listening. Silly old man. Stupid old man. But don't worry, we can see you're scared so we'll tolerate you and smile. But you're going to have to deal with the dogs. You can sleep when you're dead.

    What the hell was I posting about? This is wonkette? Did that fucking Lobsterback Palin do something stupid again?

    I'm really not senile, just drunk.

    1. SayItWithWookies

      Oh sure — then explain why it takes her mother three more frames to show up after the hand does. Couldn't it also be true that Michelle's mother follows her daughter around just in case they need a convenient scapegoat for why Michelle has three hands? This "explanation" raises at least as many questions as it answers.

    2. Doktor Zoom

      Wow, she just appeared out of nowhere…like some kind of magic…uh…magic….(what's the word?) OH, yeah! Like a NUN!

      Those nuns, I tell ya, you'd think you were going to get away with something, and BAM! Out of nowhere, there they were!

    3. JustPixelz

      BarackMyWorld: You must be so very, very honored to have had a hand in resolving this issue. Very proud to have done something no one else has been able to do. Very honored. Also proud.

    4. DashboardBuddha

      Wait a cotton-picking moment here! Michelle Obama's mother is allowed to ride Air Force One? What the hell are we running here, a bus service? Put the hag on commercial and remove this crushing burden from the back of the American white taxpayer!

      There, I have summarized just about every comment on Yahoo news.

  22. Negropolis

    Michelle Obama Has Three Hands

    The better to needlessly strangle small mammals with, my dear.

    You know what other sinister things come in threes?

  23. catholic4condom

    Her hair looks blown back. Has she been using the Trojan "messager". An extra hand could come in er…handy.

  24. Warpde

    Damn you photoshop!!!!!
    It was supposed to be a dick.

    Ha Ha.. only took me 6 hours to think of that one…
    Fuck I'm getting too old.

  25. FlipOffResearch

    I don’t know what it’s like for you guys, but I’ll tell you what it’s like for me.

    You wanna here some jokes: Whats Obama got in common with JFK and RFK . . . nothing yet!

    How about this: When Brady got half his brain blown out he turned into a Democrat. You can tell because he was for gun control. Why do you think Gabby Giffords recovery was so quick? She’s a Democrat. She only had half a brain in the first place.

    I hear shit like this every day. You guys don’t know how hard I am in the middle of teabaggers.

    It does help to comment here, when I can.

  26. fuflans

    it just occured to me and you know what really sucks? all the world will be watching the royal wedding and we will probably be represented by hoverounds specially imported for the occasion.


  27. BaldarTFlagass

    ♫ I know a cat named Way-Out Barry,
    Got a cool little chick named Rocking Shelly.
    She can walk and stroll and Susie Q
    And do that crazy hand jive, too.♪

  28. HELisforHEL

    Oh dear. Thank you Riley–thank you for the most hysterical post I have seen all week. I'm crying in my drab gray cubicle of sadness. But lo, these are tears of joy at the sheer awesomness of this post.
    I desperately needed the laugh. I'm certain we all did. THANK YEW!!!

Comments are closed.