Wingnut Mob Now Boycotting Superman, Because He Hates America

by Ken Layne

Too many pain pills, too much pot, tryin' to be something that I'm not ... I ain't Superman.When even the nation’s beloved cartoon superheroes are saying “Eh, fuck this place and your loser god,” your country might be on the “wrong track.”

So here’s mythical metrosexual King of America and lamestream media reporter Clark “Superman” Kent pledging to join the U.N. or something. Teabaggers will be very upset! Even though the only comics they read are “Mallard Filmore” and those emailed pictures of the Obama Chimp Family picking watermelons outside the White House.

Will that stop teabaggers and Palin slobs from “boycotting” something they don’t read and would never purchase. Of course not, c’mon, are you new around here? Behold the stupid:

Bleep Superman. I urge a boycott of Warner Brothers, all DC franchises, and particularly Superman. They intended this to be a political statement, but it is really a slap in the face of the American identity. Show me any one country that has done more for the world than America. We have fought for more people and sacrificed more treasure than any other country in history.

Great point! And we’re still remembered really fondly for all we’ve done in Vietnam, Cambodia, Laos, El Salvador, Guatemala, Cuba, Panama, Japan, Afghanistan, the Koreas, the Philippines, Iran, Iraq, Lebanon, South Africa, Colombia, Chile and a bunch of other countries we can’t think of right now, because we’re not looking at any random spot on a globe.

This better be some one shot crap shoot or everyone will need to get to work on boycotting DC Comics and the new Superman movie. I am getting tired of these leftist writers taking characters to push their own twisted agenda on the guise of some greater cause.

You know what’s going to be fucking awesome? Never looking at the Internet again. [Portland Mercury/Examiner/DC Comics]

 
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{ 274 comments }

BarackMyWorld April 28, 2011 at 4:43 pm

I thought Superman was an illegal immigrant.

SorosBot April 28, 2011 at 4:52 pm

A Jewish illegal immigrant too, with two daddies.

BarackMyWorld April 28, 2011 at 4:58 pm
snoopyfan2010 April 28, 2011 at 7:43 pm

It all makes sense now.

not that Dewey April 28, 2011 at 10:25 pm

I just went to the Metropolis, IL website, and your awesome photo was featured, front and center.

demnkids April 28, 2011 at 5:03 pm

to be more accurate superman is an illegal alien

Terry April 28, 2011 at 5:05 pm

He's an extraterrestrial anchor baby

Gopherit April 28, 2011 at 5:08 pm

Where's his birth certificate? He doesn't get to slide just because Krypton blew up.

SorosBot April 28, 2011 at 5:16 pm

What about his rebirth certificate? Sure, the guy claims he was brought back to life by Kryptonian technology in the Fortress of Solitude, but how do we know he's really the same guy everyone saw killed by Doomsday?

Chet Kincaid April 29, 2011 at 12:06 am

In a world where so many verities have turned to dust in my fingers, I cling to one conviction: I hate DC Comics. Hated 'em in the 60s, and will hate 'em 'til my grave. Excelsior!!

TheMeatmaker April 29, 2011 at 2:25 am

Or records of his bris? Can he produce the Kryptonite Klippers?

Preferred Customer April 28, 2011 at 5:12 pm

You might even say "alien."

BarackMyWorld April 28, 2011 at 7:00 pm
tessiee April 28, 2011 at 10:04 pm

Well, he's from another planet, so he's by definition an alien.

HistoriCat April 28, 2011 at 10:30 pm

Finish the danged space fence!

evan7257 April 28, 2011 at 4:45 pm

People mad about pretend decision by fictional character in a comic book.

elviouslyqueer April 28, 2011 at 5:30 pm

But, but, this is important! Unlike, say, haranguing their congressmen about creating fucking JOBS.

Swampgas_Man April 28, 2011 at 6:10 pm

If fictional characters weren't important to these people, they'd have nothing to do on Sunday.

Doktor Zoom April 28, 2011 at 6:50 pm

Well, considering that, as Chascates put it, they "overwhelmingly believe in an invisible Space Giant who listens to the inner thoughts of over six billion people…and judges them," their concern over the actions of another fictional character makes more sense.

Plus, Superman at least has a plausible origin story.

lulzmonger April 28, 2011 at 11:44 pm

MURPHY BROWN DID 9/11 – PRESIDENT BARTLETT KNEW

Negropolis April 29, 2011 at 2:13 am

I totally get this. I was livid with how the writers ended Lost. Fuck 'em; fuck 'em all, everyone.

metamarcisf April 28, 2011 at 4:46 pm

When the long form birth certificate is finally released, it will show that Kal-El was born on June 1, 1938 in Kryptonoplis, Krypton, to Jor-El, father, nuclear scientist and Lara, mother, housewife/cookie entrapreneur. Then the birthers can finally rest.

nounverb911 April 28, 2011 at 4:51 pm

Wasn't the birth certificate destroyed when Krypton exploded?

metamarcisf April 28, 2011 at 4:54 pm

Nice try. It was attached to the indestructible rocketship that brought little Kal-El to Kansas where he crash-landed but was miraculously unhurt due to his newfound invulnerability. The certificate was hidden by the Kent family in anticipation of circumstances like this.

MommysFetusJar April 28, 2011 at 5:04 pm

And then the PUMAS will jump all over Lara for being a damn stay-at-home mom like Michelle Obama, and the Confluence laydiez will get their panties all in a bunch again and maybe then we can instigate another epic blog war. Prtty Plz.

UPDATE: Oh here…. I rest my case: http://riverdaughter.wordpress.com/2011/04/13/lef

Iam_Who_Iam April 28, 2011 at 5:46 pm

OMFG

What an idiot I am, I scrolled to the top and read it all. Goodbye, if you need me you'll find me curled in the fetal position over there in the corner.

Lucidamente1 April 28, 2011 at 4:47 pm

This is gonna be real tough for Captain America.

SayItWithWookies April 28, 2011 at 5:00 pm

It's gonna give Captain America flashbacks to when he renounced his citizenship.

Terry April 28, 2011 at 5:08 pm

If you didn't google that up, i'd hate to play you in Trivial Pursuit

SayItWithWookies April 28, 2011 at 5:16 pm

I googled it. You'd still hate to play me in TP, but not over this.

GuyClinch April 28, 2011 at 4:47 pm

I am getting tired of these leftist writers taking characters to push their own twisted agenda on the guise of some greater cause.

He's got a point. GOPers never take characters — from that old non-graphic comic book the Bible, let's say — and pursue their hateful agenda.

JustPixelz April 28, 2011 at 5:01 pm

This reminds me of TP'ers dressing like Revolutionary era historic figures. Or the guy running for Congress who had actors portraying George Washington et al and saying "Ready your armies" or some horseshit. Or when Donald Duck encouraged people to pay their taxes to finance WWII. Oops, that's probably not what they want to hear.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gJ69X1qt4sQ&fe

SorosBot April 28, 2011 at 7:41 pm

Yeah, it's not like Superman was created by liberal Jews (as were most of DC and Marvel's heroes) who pushed a left-wing agenda in the book starting with the very first issue or anything)

4TheTurnstiles April 28, 2011 at 4:47 pm

At least they didn't have him "go Galt."

Gopherit April 28, 2011 at 5:11 pm

Fortress of Solitude = Galt's Gulch

SorosBot April 28, 2011 at 5:18 pm

That would only be the Kingdom Come alternative future Superman, who quit after the Joker killed Lois.

MildMidwesterner April 28, 2011 at 4:47 pm

If I boycott all DC franchises, where will I get my delicious Five Guys burgers?

$exy$murf April 28, 2011 at 4:48 pm

NERDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

nounverb911 April 28, 2011 at 4:49 pm

Do these people realize that Saudi Prince Alwaleed bin Talal is the second largest stockholder in Fox?

DahBoner April 28, 2011 at 5:00 pm

Is he one of them there "good" ragheads?

KenLayIsAlive April 28, 2011 at 4:49 pm

"We have fought for more people and sacrificed more treasure than any other country in history." /fixed and…

Lol at "treasure". What the fuck. The world just doesn't appreciate it when we send them our half-opened, overfflowing wooden chests full of gold coins, rubys, and pearl necklaces (with a skull sitting on top) anymore.

DaRooster April 28, 2011 at 5:06 pm

Don't you forget the tear gas canisters, guns and… aw fuck it… too long a list.

sati_demise April 29, 2011 at 5:24 pm

cluster bombs, white phosphorus, depleted uranium, land mines, mines in the sea blah blah blah, u R rite

Fare la Volpe April 28, 2011 at 5:13 pm

Hey, those A-bombs were very expensive, and not once did the Japanese compensate us.

trampndirtdown April 28, 2011 at 11:37 pm

Not even a thank you note.

FraAnima April 28, 2011 at 4:49 pm

I'm strictly a Marvel and Zap comic fan, but Kudos to Superman for this anti-imperialist statement.

Fucking commie.

$exy$murf April 28, 2011 at 4:50 pm

They're going to be really pissed when Robin finally comes out.

bumfug April 28, 2011 at 4:53 pm

Do you really think republicans would be surprised that Batman was fucking his intern?

SorosBot April 28, 2011 at 5:36 pm

But the current Robin is Batman's son, Damian Wayne; ew.

bumfug April 28, 2011 at 6:01 pm

Well, Trump said he'd like to shtup his own daughter.

nounverb911 April 28, 2011 at 4:56 pm

Just don't mention this in Tennessee.

elviouslyqueer April 28, 2011 at 5:27 pm
johnnymeatworth April 28, 2011 at 5:33 pm

Holy Upfist!

Cheetah Repeater April 28, 2011 at 5:30 pm

What part of 'sliding down the Batpole' is hard to understand?

Barb April 28, 2011 at 4:50 pm

Sarah Palin should take a cue from The Invisible Woman.

Extemporanus April 28, 2011 at 5:35 pm

Superman is flying around one day, and with Lois Lane out of town on assignment, he’s feeling kinda horny. After awhile, he's pleasantly surprised to spot the notoriously slutty Wonder Woman lying naked and spread eagle on the roof of the Hall of Justice.  

"Hmm," he thinks to himself, "I'm faster than a speeding bullet. I could be in and out of that fine Amazon pussy so fast that she'd never even know what hit her." And so with that, he flies down, does the deed, and a split second later is back in the air and flying away, his satisfied superdick flappin' in the breeze like some magnificent red crotch cape.

A startled Wonder Woman looks up and exclaims, “What the holy Hippolyte was that?!"

“I don’t know," answers the Invisible Man, "but my ass really fuckin' hurts!”

LouBristol April 28, 2011 at 5:59 pm

lol.

OkieDokieDog April 28, 2011 at 4:50 pm

We don't need no gay Superman or sissy Truth or radical Judges… I mean Justice.
We have GOD on our side.

Swampgas_Man April 28, 2011 at 6:16 pm

In the DC comics Universe, Superman IS God: ultimate moral arbiter of the universe, loves everybody but always willing to punch 'em, etc. Like that Jeebus guy but clean-shaven.
How we got this from "leaping over tall buildings and punching choo-choo trains, I dunno.

OneYieldRegular April 28, 2011 at 4:50 pm

For what it's worth, I've been boycotting Superman ever since he kept hogging the phone booth.

GuyClinch April 28, 2011 at 4:53 pm

What's a "phone booth"?

KenLayIsAlive April 28, 2011 at 4:56 pm

It is a small room where people with untreated mental health conditions masturbate.

nounverb911 April 28, 2011 at 5:03 pm

Oh, isn't that the Senate's Cloak Room?

Fukui_sanYesOta April 28, 2011 at 5:35 pm

Are you saying that superman, after whipping off his Clark Kent pants, roughs up the suspect before putting his underwear on over his tights? Eww.

doloras April 28, 2011 at 6:06 pm

Maybe he does. We'd never know because he does it all at SUPER-SPEED.

pinkocommi April 28, 2011 at 4:50 pm

Think about it. Relatives in Kansas. No birth certificate. Hates America. Obama is Superman.

nounverb911 April 28, 2011 at 4:57 pm
RadioAfterbirther April 28, 2011 at 4:51 pm

Hey, don't break your neck over this Ken.

Mumbletypeg April 28, 2011 at 4:51 pm

What a revolting development, indeed.

bokononista April 28, 2011 at 5:25 pm

Can we get that again, with more feeling?

Cheetah Repeater April 28, 2011 at 5:32 pm

I'm trying to work in an "It's CLOBBERIN' time!" angle.

Pragmatist2 April 28, 2011 at 4:51 pm

Doesn't he look like what's-his-name, Levi Johnston?

Ruhe April 28, 2011 at 4:52 pm
Gratuitous World April 28, 2011 at 4:52 pm

Looks like a market opening for SuperRand.

GuyClinch April 28, 2011 at 4:56 pm

Or John BOLTon and His Magical Moustache!

doloras April 28, 2011 at 6:07 pm

Nah, get Steve Ditko out of retirement to revive Mr A, the Randian superhero.

BarackMyWorld April 28, 2011 at 4:52 pm

I'm so sure all the rightwing talking heads decrying the liberal bias in the comics medium are regular readers of "Superman" or any other series.

Geminisunmars April 28, 2011 at 6:59 pm

All of them.

nounverb911 April 28, 2011 at 4:52 pm

"Show me any one country that has done more for the world than America. "
Ancient Rome?
Ancient Greece?

GuyClinch April 28, 2011 at 4:58 pm

Hell, Italy, just for the food, art and cinema. And amusing old-man sex scandals. (Fave recent Onion headline: "Berlusconi's Penis Stuck in Bottle Stuck in Prostitute")

DahBoner April 28, 2011 at 4:58 pm

Ancient China?

See also "Guns, Germs & Steel"…

doloras April 28, 2011 at 6:08 pm

Ancient Rome didn't do jack except conquer places and enslave them. All the "culture" they spread they took wholesale from the Greeks. In fact, Ancient Greece : Ancient Rome :: Britain : America.

Numbat_Dundee April 28, 2011 at 8:48 pm

Andorra. The Seychelles. Estonia.

Oblios_Cap April 29, 2011 at 9:21 am

The Arabs?

Gold_ManSacks April 28, 2011 at 4:52 pm

How did Supes get citizenship in the first place? The Kent farm should have been raided and seized for harboring illegals and Kal-El should have been sent on the first ship back to Krypton. No Amnesty!!

northernbassist April 28, 2011 at 7:30 pm

Special dispensation if your planet of origin explodes *before* you're deported.

Gold_ManSacks April 28, 2011 at 7:35 pm

America can't afford to take in every stray from every exploded planet. Krypton, Alderaan, Throneworld, who's next?

RavenRant April 28, 2011 at 7:37 pm

But first, a lengthy stay in a for-profit prison.

Gold_ManSacks April 28, 2011 at 10:02 pm

Well obviously. Just think of all the license plates he could press w/ super strength and speed and such. To not hypocritically exploit him for the benefit of some faceless corporation and its shareholders would be to spit in the face of everything Superman stood for.

Also, gold comes from stoopid white people. The poor ones sell me their parents jewelry then I melt it into TRUCKNUTZ or sell it to olds who are scared of the negro pres'dint.

RavenRant April 28, 2011 at 10:11 pm

Good to know you're making yourself useful. Do you sell the scaredy-olds overpriced survival seeds, too?

The gold may be profitable, but I still think you have a book in you. (Not literally, I hope. Unless you're into that.)

But with your sure-footed instincts for exploiting stoopid white folk's fears, you could have a bestseller on your hands.

Gold_ManSacks April 28, 2011 at 10:32 pm

I have never tried that particular kink but I can say with a high degree of certainty that it would not be my bag.

Exploiting old whites, however, is exactly my bag. I do not sell them survival seeds, yet. I have made a good bit of cash on hand-crank radios, they are made in China, they don't work and are full of poison but I cross out China and write Ohio.

arihaya April 28, 2011 at 4:53 pm

i wonder what the reaction of wingnuts when they read Japanese hentai manga

mavenmaven April 28, 2011 at 5:17 pm

I suspect there are very few otaku teabaggers… most are rojin…

UpFistTroll April 28, 2011 at 5:21 pm

"Those damned Japs, takin' something as American as Robotech and makin' it all Oriental-ish."

Mort_Sinclair April 28, 2011 at 4:53 pm

Even superheroes get the I-can't-take-any-more-F350-Truck-Nutz-Amurkin-Eagle-Bible-Jesus-WTF-this-country-sucks blues.

Doktor Zoom April 28, 2011 at 4:53 pm

As is this guy

BTWBFDIMHO April 28, 2011 at 4:54 pm

Gilberto Gil talking with Superman? That's rich.

trampndirtdown April 28, 2011 at 11:48 pm

I suppose Astrud was out having drinks with Rita Lee.

prommie April 28, 2011 at 4:55 pm

The president is near, and its the leftists' fault. I want my country back, and my superman. Let the Eagle Soar!

SorosBot April 28, 2011 at 4:55 pm

He went against them, pissing off the real-world teabaggers:
http://gawker.com/#!5468936/captain-america-again

BarackMyWorld April 28, 2011 at 5:05 pm

Which was even more hilarious considering Captain America wasn't even the one that said what pissed them off.

dancesw_cougars April 28, 2011 at 4:55 pm

I'll bet it was superman who masterminded 9/11

Doktor Zoom April 28, 2011 at 4:56 pm

For god's sake, the Teabaggers already have Lex Luthor on their side. For that matter, I'm pretty sure the Koch bros modeled their careers on him.

bumfug April 28, 2011 at 4:56 pm

The last straw was finding out that Lex Luthor had bought a shitty wig, built some garish hotels and was trying to parlay a crappy reality show into a run for president.

mumbly_joe April 28, 2011 at 4:56 pm

So the tl;dr is that America is the this comment deleted by administrator of the world?

$exy$murf April 28, 2011 at 4:56 pm

If you think that's bad you should hear what Superman said about Trig.

bumfug April 28, 2011 at 5:00 pm

In the Bizarro world, Trig is Stephen Hawking.

Pragmatist2 April 28, 2011 at 5:21 pm

Was it "Trig, I'm your father." ???

RavenRant April 28, 2011 at 4:56 pm

Ever notice how these folks are ALWAYS metaphorically getting 'slapped in the face' or having something 'rammed down their throats' or being forceded to 'bend over and grab their ankles'? What do you suppose that's all about, hmmm?

bokononista April 28, 2011 at 5:14 pm

Poor neglected, closeted, so-wanting-it, Teabaggering sado-masochists.

tessiee April 28, 2011 at 10:18 pm

Suppressed knowledge of the treatment they deserve?

RavenRant April 28, 2011 at 10:39 pm

Interesting theory. S&M&B&D are almost as exciting to them as SPS*

Also, in original post, "forceded'? Really, RR, proofread, dammit!

*Sarah Palin Starbursts

Monsieur_Grumpe April 28, 2011 at 4:57 pm

I guess I’m not surprised. The Tick seems more like a Teabaggers kind of super hero.

“And, isn't sanity really just a one-trick pony anyway? I mean all you get is one trick, rational thinking, but when you're good and crazy, oooh, oooh, oooh, the sky is the limit.”
The Tick

Doktor Zoom April 28, 2011 at 5:01 pm

"Yeah. Down here I'm the apotheosis of cool." –Sewer Urchin

Guppy06 April 28, 2011 at 5:47 pm

On the contrary, a better representative of the Teabagger world outlook is the Evil Midnight Bomber What Bombs At Midnight.

"Bad is good, baby! Down with government!"

Doktor Zoom April 28, 2011 at 6:59 pm

And I say, Yeah, baby! I want to be bad! I says, SURF'S UP, SPACE PONIES! I'M MAKING GRAVY WITHOUT THE LUMPS! Aaaaaa-hahahahaha! …

LiveToServeYa April 29, 2011 at 8:54 am

Au contraire, The Tick is the sage of our times. And he was right about sanity, too. "I'm betting that I'm just abnormal enough to survive." – The Tick.

SmutBoffin April 28, 2011 at 4:57 pm

Historically, Our Nation's superheroes have gone to war with us, no matter how foolhardy or unjust the imperial venture. Captain America got his start punchin' Nazis. Comics from the 70s depict characters (many of whom still exist today) fighting alongside Americans in Vietnam. Or fighting the Sovs during the Cold War.

I'm sorry that comics/the people who write them no longer fulfill your jingoistic fantasies, Teabaggers. I really am.

P.S. Thor is a secret muslin, despite being a deity himself.

Doktor Zoom April 28, 2011 at 5:01 pm

Doctor Manhattan eventually wondered what the point of it all was, though.

mumbly_joe April 28, 2011 at 5:07 pm

Cappy was actually pretty overtly intended to be pro-War propaganda for World War II- Marvel never was much of a soft touch when it came to those things; the reason he resigned in the 70's was literally because (implied) Nixon was evil.

On the other hand, Iron Man IS the military-industrial complex, and started in the 60's as a vehicle for Cold War stuff- this is a pretty huge part of why he comes across as a collossal dick, constantly.

DahBoner April 28, 2011 at 4:57 pm

Will Teabaggers still live on Opposite World????

Doktor Zoom April 28, 2011 at 4:58 pm

Worst joke I know, ca 2004:

Why didn't Superman save the Twin Towers?

Because he's a fuckin' quadriplegic!

Extemporanusbirther April 28, 2011 at 4:58 pm

I got Hot Pockets® full of kryptonite.

SorosBot April 28, 2011 at 4:58 pm

"Show me any one country that has done more for the world than America. "

Athens. Rome did quite a bit, too. And Sumer, what with whole invention of civilization thing.

genxr April 28, 2011 at 5:16 pm

Correction: "Show me one country… and I don't have a passport."

user-of-owls April 28, 2011 at 5:46 pm

What about Poland, huh shitface? That's right, Poland, who gave mankind the nurturing gift of galumpkis. Hadn't considered that, did you Mr. My Jingos Are Bigger Than Your Jingos?

Fred_Wertham_Jr April 28, 2011 at 4:58 pm

That story is noncanonical. The real Superman would never do that.

CapnFatback April 28, 2011 at 5:00 pm

Of course they're upset: this isn't the Superman the Baggers have been waiting for.

nounverb911 April 28, 2011 at 5:12 pm

Übermensch?
I went to Camp Boiberik with him!

RadioAfterbirther April 28, 2011 at 5:01 pm

You know who else was Superman?

mumbly_joe April 28, 2011 at 5:03 pm

Ioseb Besarionis dze Jughashvili, also known as the Man of Steel?

flamingpdog April 29, 2011 at 12:38 am

Michael Steele?

Doktor Zoom April 28, 2011 at 5:03 pm

George Bernard Shaw?

genxr April 28, 2011 at 5:07 pm

Bela Lugosi?

DaRooster April 28, 2011 at 5:08 pm

Stem cells?

fartknocker April 28, 2011 at 5:09 pm

Ronnie Raygun?

bokononista April 28, 2011 at 5:11 pm

Bizarro Superman?

bokononista April 28, 2011 at 5:34 pm

Michelle Rhee?

Doktor Zoom April 28, 2011 at 5:36 pm

Harry Reames?

SorosBot April 28, 2011 at 5:39 pm

The Eradicator, Hank Henshaw / Cyborg, John Henry Irons / Steel, and the clone now known as Connor Kent / Superboy?

mumbly_joe April 28, 2011 at 5:53 pm

You are my hero.

Also, too, Ultraman?

zhubajie April 29, 2011 at 5:08 am

Don't forget Inframan!

user-of-owls April 28, 2011 at 5:39 pm

Ray Davies?

Oh, and your shameless p-trawling is dreamy.

tessiee April 28, 2011 at 10:22 pm

Neitzsche?

Doktor Zoom April 28, 2011 at 10:24 pm
trampndirtdown April 29, 2011 at 12:20 am

Nancy " Nancy Smash" Pelosi. No wait that's the Hulk… I'll get back to you.

nounverb911 April 28, 2011 at 5:01 pm

The Kenyan conspirators.

GregComlish April 28, 2011 at 5:01 pm

Back in 1938 they wouldn't have used the politically correct term "Kryptonian". In those days Superman's race would have simply been listed as "Superior".

metamarcisf April 28, 2011 at 5:02 pm

Kal-El, or Clark Kent as he became known, was considered a foundling and brought to the Smallville Orphanage by Jonathan and Martha Kent, who were then allowed to adopt him, the bureaucracy being less stringent in those days. It is unknown whether a traditional birth announcement was ever published either in the local paper or in the Daily Planet.

FrenchTwist40 April 28, 2011 at 9:03 pm

A certification of circumcision would also be acceptable in lieu of a birth certificate.

ThundercatHo April 28, 2011 at 9:35 pm

No way. S-man is intact since foreskin is impermeable to sharp, metal objects. Which ought to make Lois a very happy little lady.

SonofSpermcube May 1, 2011 at 4:47 am
jus_wonderin April 28, 2011 at 5:02 pm

This leads me to believe they are going to be really boilng when "FabulousMan" decides to move to Amsterdam.

whiskeybaby April 28, 2011 at 5:02 pm

I realize this is kind of the pot calling the kettle black, but do these wingnuts not have fucking jobs, or at least access to the outside world? Do they sit around all day scouring the internet for things to get faux-outraged about?
#rhetoricalquestions

zhubajie April 29, 2011 at 5:10 am

No, they don't have jobs! They are chronically unemployed because of fat or mental illness or perhaps have a tiny inheritance that's persuaded them they are too good to work. Yes, they, sit around all day, scouring the Net for excuses to throw another tantrum. (Fundamentalists pioneered this long ago).

mereoblivion April 28, 2011 at 5:02 pm

Somewhere in Metropolis, Jimmy Olson is weeping.

user-of-owls April 28, 2011 at 7:11 pm

Bullshit. Jimmy Olson is writing Chuck Grassley's tweets. On purpose.

flamingpdog April 29, 2011 at 12:40 am

Weeping AND writing John Boehner's tweets.

trondant April 28, 2011 at 7:31 pm

While biting his pillow?

DashboardBuddha April 29, 2011 at 7:49 am

They don't call ol' Sup the Man of Steel for nothing.

finallyhappy April 28, 2011 at 5:05 pm

There's a new Superman Movie? I guess I will have to go and see it for poltiical reasons.

So I may go to the White House Correspondents Dinner(no, I am NOT invited) and stand outside and boo the Trump. The Post invited him- Maybe now is time to force my husband to cancel the subscription.

zhubajie April 29, 2011 at 5:14 am

I've heard there's a new Godzilla movie, too, Kingdom of Monsters. That's more to my taste!

Gopherit April 28, 2011 at 5:06 pm

I can hear the Teabaggers screaming from their basements now : "Mom!!! Stop buying those Superman comics for me! And Burn my underroos!!! Superman joined the New World Order!!! WHERE ARE MY CHEETOS??!?!"

mumbly_joe April 28, 2011 at 6:23 pm
RavenRant April 28, 2011 at 7:15 pm

Too fit and relatively normal looking. The mutant molten eyes might be accurate, tho.

Sassomatic April 28, 2011 at 5:07 pm

What right do writers have to use their art to express their ideas? Superman belongs to America, damn it!

DaRooster April 28, 2011 at 5:07 pm

"We have fought for more people…"

Really? Not for what we could get from them… er… OK.

fartknocker April 28, 2011 at 5:08 pm

Well I hope Charlie Brown helps Snoopy puts on his WWI ace cap and goggles and strafes Swamp Fox Press or whatever the name of this tin-foil hat Gutenburg is. While Snoopy's at it, maybe he can air drop Lucy at Wasilla Rose's domicile and be a guest co-anchor on Faux news.

bokononista April 28, 2011 at 5:10 pm

The new Teatard bling is going be the Kryptonite Patriot lapel pins, available as a bespeckled American flag or a downfisted hand.

genxr April 28, 2011 at 5:10 pm

Lamestream Media!

capnhuggyface April 28, 2011 at 5:10 pm

This is good news for Ziggy…

CapnFatback April 28, 2011 at 5:29 pm

Make sure to use his full name: This is good news for Ziggy McCain.

Doktor Zoom April 28, 2011 at 5:32 pm

Oh, Ziggy…will you never win?

user-of-owls April 28, 2011 at 5:41 pm

Dude doesn't wear pants and gets sneered at by parrots. Good news for him would be the sweet embrace of death.

Swampgas_Man April 28, 2011 at 6:24 pm

Today's Ziggy has a Man From Washington coming up to the Zig and saying, "I'm from the government and I'm here to implant this microchip in your brain." Really.

Doktor Zoom April 28, 2011 at 6:44 pm

Oh, that Tom Wilson! Where does he come up with that stuff?

user-of-owls April 28, 2011 at 7:14 pm

From the microchip in his brain, of course. Or maybe his obstreperous parrot.

mumbly_joe April 29, 2011 at 7:27 am

Fourteen most frightening words in the English language!

Well, after the white supremacist ones.

HedonismBot April 28, 2011 at 7:09 pm

And the Spiders From Mars? Illegal aliens, the whole lot.

ShaveTheWhales April 28, 2011 at 8:28 pm

I read that as "Zippy", and read all the comments trying to figure out why all the pinhead hate.

Nevermind.

Angry_Marmot April 29, 2011 at 4:30 am

"If you can't say something nice, say something surrealistic."

Frost/Nixon/Robocop April 28, 2011 at 5:11 pm

Truth, Justice, and the Trilateral Commission Way!

genxr April 28, 2011 at 5:12 pm

It's just a plot device to build dramatic tension, leading up to the redemption in Act III, where Superman watches the Atlas Shrugged movie and finally sees the error of his ways. He spends the rest of the series water-boarding Pakistani taxi drivers.

bokononista April 28, 2011 at 5:17 pm

Somewhere a bald eagle is shedding more tears than usual realizing he's stuck representing these crazies now that Superman pussed out.

mavenmaven April 28, 2011 at 5:19 pm

Hoveround Man and Bristol Woman!

KenLayIsAlive April 28, 2011 at 5:36 pm

He's weeping now, but he'll soon be headed off to get some poster board and stick on letters for his anti-Superman truck screed.

RavenRant April 28, 2011 at 6:07 pm

"Rascal Man' has a nice ring to it.

trondant April 28, 2011 at 11:30 pm

Hoveround Man has to be the Piltdown Man of American politics.

rickmaci April 28, 2011 at 5:21 pm

You all know Superman entered the country without proper papers, keeps trying to jump the system by a fake marriage to Lois Lane and is nothing but an illegal alien.

RavenRant April 28, 2011 at 6:08 pm

But his Anchor Babies will be awesome!

elviouslyqueer April 28, 2011 at 5:25 pm

Also.

h/t BarackMyWorld

bokononista April 28, 2011 at 5:32 pm

George Reeves!!!!!!!!!!!

tessiee April 28, 2011 at 10:22 pm

Steve Reeves?

tessiee April 29, 2011 at 5:45 pm

Keanu Reeves?

KenLayIsAlive April 28, 2011 at 5:33 pm

Awesome.

widget2011 April 28, 2011 at 5:33 pm

Jesus would bitch slap superman for that. Remember, we're talking about "Wild West Six-Shooter Jusus" as depicted in the Book of Morman, fucking morons.

Dudleydidwrong April 28, 2011 at 5:36 pm

Does this mean that Clark Kent has applied for a job with Al Jazeera?

Extemporanus April 28, 2011 at 6:02 pm

"That was Kal-El, reporting live from the Fortress of Allahtude. Shukran, Kal…super job!

And now, let's check in with Rā's al Ghūl for an update on this weekend's weather. Rā's, whaddya got for us?"

Dudleydidwrong April 28, 2011 at 6:33 pm

Kent also applied for a position with Xinhua News Agency in Beijing but there are some language barriers as neither Kripton nor Kansas English work well in translation.

Angry_Marmot April 29, 2011 at 4:28 am

I'd buy that comic.

sati_demise April 29, 2011 at 5:35 pm

he was killed by friendly fire. it was covered up. wikileaks cable coming soon.

SheriffRoscoe April 28, 2011 at 5:37 pm

Truth, Justice, and the *American Way.

*Do you know how many people you could have billed for "services rendered," Superman? We have fire departments who'll let your house and pets burn to the ground for non-payment nowadays.

Doktor Zoom April 28, 2011 at 5:38 pm

Wait, which one is Scratchy?

mumbly_joe April 28, 2011 at 5:40 pm

Which is ironic for so many reasons, as the character was originally concieved to be Batman's beard.

DahBoner April 28, 2011 at 5:41 pm

When I asked one Wingnut why the Bush family did bid'ness with the bin Laden family, I was told it was darn near impossible to not do business with 'em…

hagajim April 28, 2011 at 5:45 pm

America….Superman's kryptonite.

comptoneffect April 28, 2011 at 5:52 pm

And Sarah Palin doesn't read this newspaper either.

weejee April 28, 2011 at 5:53 pm

Didn't we talk about this yesterday? page 3

ChuckieJesus April 28, 2011 at 5:56 pm

Aw, come on Wingnuts! Buck up! After all, Supes was created by a couple of poor, liberal Jews… and who the hell cares what they think?

HedonismBot April 28, 2011 at 6:30 pm

Recently read "The Amazing Adventures of Cavalier and Klay." Highly recommend it.

savethispatient April 28, 2011 at 6:02 pm

This is just a cunning ploy to avoid paying taxes, which is not okay, unless you're a big corporation!

HedonismBot April 28, 2011 at 6:33 pm

Paying taxes on what?? Superman receives no paycheck, owns no property, has no heirs to worry about paying death taxes, etc. He lives off the radar – literally, due to his supersonic flight speed.

savethispatient April 28, 2011 at 6:36 pm

Good point… merchandising rights, perhaps? I'm sure he does the motivational speaker circuit too…

Doktor Zoom April 28, 2011 at 6:43 pm

The upkeep on the Fortress of Solitude is a bitch, though. It's mortgaged out the wazoo.

pdiddycornchips April 28, 2011 at 6:26 pm

The teabaggers don't need Superman. They have Chuck Norris and Ted Nugent. Rifles and roundhouse kicks are more American than capes and red undies anyway.

savethispatient April 28, 2011 at 6:37 pm

To be fair, that wasn't as bad as what the US electorate has done to America…

SorosBot April 28, 2011 at 7:15 pm

That was the trouble – DC began the President Luthor storyline in 2000, and it turned out our real-world election ended up with someone much worse winning (well, "winning").

JudasPeckerwood April 28, 2011 at 6:47 pm

Notice how you never see Superman and Jimmy Kimmel in the same r… HOLY SHIT!

DashboardBuddha April 28, 2011 at 6:49 pm

Meh…boycott away. Superman is a dick

Chet Kincaid April 29, 2011 at 12:56 am

Hah, you beat me to it! I love that site.

genxr April 28, 2011 at 6:54 pm

Maybe it's a metaphor. The loaves and fishes represent CEO salaries and shareholder dividends, respectively, which multiplied as the poor people waited outside walmart for their paychecks to clear.

Doktor Zoom April 28, 2011 at 7:03 pm

Well, obviously it's not meant to be taken literally. It refers to any manufacturers of dairy products.

RavenRant April 28, 2011 at 7:05 pm

These people can only call themselves Christians by creatively explaining away everything Christ ever said ad did. Turns out, he was totally being sarcastic the whole time!

genxr April 28, 2011 at 7:17 pm

And Jesus spoke unto them, "Hey, thanks for your support, I know you've come a long way and you're all really hungry, but I have these loaves and fishes right here, all you can eat for free… ha ha, I'm just kidding, nothing is free you dumb commies, and now I'm going to leave you all to act in your own rational self interest."

RavenRant April 28, 2011 at 7:27 pm

I just envisioned a celebrity roast of Jesus. Am I going to burn in hell, or what?

tessiee April 28, 2011 at 10:25 pm

I thought that was the Last Supper.

DangerHelvetica April 28, 2011 at 7:06 pm

You know those boycotters would all kneel before Zod anyway.

user-of-owls April 28, 2011 at 7:20 pm

Why the fuck anyone care 'bout this cowlick fag? Even fairy boy Jesus could woop 'em. And of course, George Fucking Washington could kick them both apart, finishing up by curing childhood polio, but not for British children.

carlgt1 April 28, 2011 at 7:20 pm

how long until we hear Repugs screech:

"SUPERMAN HATES US FOR OUR FREEDUMS!!!!!!"

RavenRant April 28, 2011 at 7:25 pm

Um, misunderstood, not misunderstand. Shame!

northernbassist April 28, 2011 at 7:28 pm

Hell, I'm tired of having my instruments (mostly basses, but a few guitars too) construed as actions of U.S. policy. Miss *one* friggin' note and BOOM!! we're at war.

Still.

RavenRant April 28, 2011 at 7:33 pm

This should come as no surprise. Superman's slogan is "Truth, Justice, and the American Way" and as Father Beck has explained, justice is the root of all evil. And we know truth blows. And America has clearly LOST her way, so…

Also, downfist troll better not come within range of my fists. (Er, claws.) Pindick.

trondant April 28, 2011 at 7:36 pm

Being Tucker Carlson comes to mind.

RavenRant April 28, 2011 at 7:43 pm

I hadn’t thought of that. BECAUSE IT’S TOO HORRIBLE TO CONTEMPLATE!!!1!

Nopantsmcgee April 28, 2011 at 7:41 pm

Comic books to a teabagger. TL;DR

proudgrampa April 28, 2011 at 8:20 pm

I, for one, am tired of my Sapphire martinis construed as instruments of US policy.

DonnyKerabotsos April 28, 2011 at 8:38 pm

I think it's curious that we've never seen Lex Luthor and Donald Trump together. Maybe that explains the hair…

RavenRant April 28, 2011 at 8:42 pm

The Water-into-Wine Shoppes – HUGE profits.

ttommyunger April 28, 2011 at 9:20 pm

Always suspected the Right had a problem distinguishing reality from fantasy. File this story under "Suspicions Confirmed".

mumbly_joe April 29, 2011 at 7:33 am

I commented on this the other day, thanks to a Douche-hat column that ended by asking the profound question, "Is Tony Soprano in heaven?"

ttommyunger April 29, 2011 at 8:23 am

Reminds me of Quayle's criticism of a sitcom character, Murphy Brown. I guess they're lucky in a way, reality has a way of sucking sometimes.

ttommyunger April 28, 2011 at 9:34 pm

Every night is cartoon night at Faux. “Sean of the Closet” is my personal fav.

metamarcisf April 28, 2011 at 10:18 pm

As pointed out earlier, a circumcision certificate for Superman is an obvious oxymoron. Ironically, Superman's creators, Jerry Siegal and Joe Shuster were both Jewish. Originally it was intended that the Man of Steel be Jewish also. However, an early plot thread involving Lois, Hitler and a shower stall put this notion to rest forever.

Angry_Marmot April 29, 2011 at 4:23 am

He's Moses. Or maybe Arthur, since everybody keeps letting him down.

tessiee April 28, 2011 at 10:24 pm

Wait till they find out that he's also dating Murphy Brown.

tessiee April 28, 2011 at 10:27 pm

At least the ones who don't sound like Charlie Brown's teacher.

Troubledog April 28, 2011 at 11:35 pm

How did motherfucking Superman, a literal alien, get US citizenship? Probably from Woodrow Wilson.

Chet Kincaid April 29, 2011 at 12:09 am

I believe Captain America pulled this shit during Watergate, and again a few years ago with the "Death Of Captain America" stunt. DC Relevance FAIL!

SorosBot April 29, 2011 at 12:46 am

Well, it;s DC, so of course the relevance failed; meanwhile, Marvel had a storyline that involved Iron Man and Mr. Fantastic sending their unregistered former friends to an inter-dimensional prison where Earth law did not apply, which just seemed to be a wee bit of a commentary on the politics at the time (2007).

Chet Kincaid April 29, 2011 at 12:17 am

Well what do you expect? Superman is a dick.
http://superdickery.com/index.php?option=com_cont

BZ1 April 29, 2011 at 12:22 am

BTW, The Sup is Canajan!

Negropolis April 29, 2011 at 2:01 am

Looks like we shouldn't be waiting for Superman, 'cause that dude is pissed. When he does come back to Rapure us, we'll regret it, for sure.

Negropolis April 29, 2011 at 2:23 am

BTW, they need to give Superman a black girlfriend. That'd really send them into a tizzy.

MadBrahms April 29, 2011 at 2:39 am

I once read a great book which framed imperial expansion as "the gift of empire"; the idea is that by bringing light to and civilizing the savages, the civilized (read: "conquering") nation creates a symbolic debt that is impossible for the exploited and conquered to ever repay.

The upshot is that any resistance to imperial assholery is seen as a profound and even aggressive lack of gratitude. "Hey! We brought you the glorious gift of military dictatorship disguised as democracy, and you want to overthrow it just because a few pesky women and children were massacred? Ungrateful fucks." America: The 20th century's greatest giver.

I've got to stop doing these late-night tl;dr serious posts.

zhubajie April 29, 2011 at 6:28 am

I've been reading Francis Younghusband's bio recently. It has a photo which sums up the British Empire pretty well: A Sikh is flogging a Tibetan while a Briton looks on (supervising I suppose).

widget2011 April 29, 2011 at 7:00 am

I just don't get why superman was an american anyway. Superman would be far more comfortable in nazi germany as an aryan. Just think of the episodes under this context.

1. Superman forces great britain to surrender.
2. Superman single handedly forces 6 million jews into death camps.
3. Superman defeats communism and socialism.
4. Superman defeats the united states.
5. Superman rounds up homosexuals worldwide, cures homosexuality for good.
6. Superman protects the reich for 1000 years.
7. Superman eliminates the indigent, cuts taxes and installs death panels.
8 Superman protects the wealthy from moochers, and those who can't "pull themselves up by their bootstraps".
9. Superman eliminates deficits worldwide by enslaving american middle class.
10. Superman's motto: Work will make you free (Arbeit Macht Frei)

widget2011 April 29, 2011 at 7:17 am

Can anyone add to that?

Redhead April 29, 2011 at 7:42 am

"Show me any one country that has done more for the world than America. "

I guess ancient Greece is no longer the birthplace of democracy (at least in Texas' history books).

outragedcitizen April 29, 2011 at 8:27 am

I'm tired of U.S. Policy being construed as my policy.

outragedcitizen April 29, 2011 at 8:30 am

I've often wondered what Superman would have become had his rescue capsule landed in 1938 German or even Russia. We could be looking at an entirely different world right now.

Oh, wait, Superman is fiction. Then why would anyone give a shit what he does?

SorosBot April 29, 2011 at 9:58 am

Sounds like someone's never read Superman: Red Son ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Superman:_Red_Son ). That was back when Mark Millar seemed like a talented newcomer, before everything he wrote became rape rape rape rape rape.

Camaro Nova April 29, 2011 at 8:39 am

I love how conservatives, idealists that they really are, only get worked up about metaphors, ideas (yes, even stupid ideas are still ideas) and the non-existent. They're never concerned with reality or practicality at all.

Chet Kincaid April 29, 2011 at 8:58 am

Wingnuts should content themselves with fapping to '80s anti-brown vigilantism (The Dark Knight Returns) and homoerotic fantasies of European martial and cultural superiority (300) provided by the great Frank Miller. A few rapey issues of Cerebus the Aardvark should then bring them to completion.

Ken Layne April 29, 2011 at 4:02 pm

Oh, they fucking love Frank Miller. Your mention of 300 brought back memories of the entire right-wing nerd blog world circle-jerking over some Frank Miller cartoon humans massacring whatever people they were worked up about that week (Persians).

revmod April 29, 2011 at 9:12 am

Don't forget the time the government felt the use of the costume required him to do their bidding.

Abenstern April 29, 2011 at 1:31 pm

I've noted that the "OMG, Sooperman hates Amurrica" comes from folks who haven't read the book for years, if not decades. This basic ignorance is to be expected from such riff-raff but I would like to note a few things that have made Superman rethink his outlook.

During Final Crisis, the world was taken over by Darkseid and only saved by Superman using the Miracle Machine wishing for "a happy ending." Next up was Darkest Night during which the reborn Krypton was destroyed by a US Black Ops group (under the command of his father-in-law Sam Lane). Now, at the end of the Brightest Day, after defeating a cosmically-enhanced Lex Luthor, he decided to stand betwixt the army and protesters in Tehran, silently supporting the latter for 24 hours. This action led to a clandestine meeting with a government official, complete with snipers with Kryptonite bullets.

Good thing he was brought up in Kansas with solid values and respect for authority. There could have been many secret bases becoming smoking craters to declare his new world citizen status. I just wish he'd join a virtual state like NSK.

sati_demise April 29, 2011 at 5:17 pm

I love you Mr. Layne.

sati_demise April 29, 2011 at 5:20 pm

Is Lois your sister?

Doktor Zoom April 28, 2011 at 7:25 pm

He's pretty "edgy," don't you think? He's got "attitude."

user-of-owls April 28, 2011 at 7:47 pm

Hmm. He's definitely got ppm between the ears, so I suppose if that qualifies as "attitude" then yes, just like the vapid parasites who will get married this weekend.

As to 'edgy,' if you can geometrically define an angle in that bulbous mass, I'll send you an amero.

RavenRant April 28, 2011 at 10:36 pm

The force is strong in this one.

di_da_is_alpha April 29, 2011 at 12:04 am

Good thing all the olds in my family have me to protect them if things meltdown. I've invested in brass and lead. And a little bit of copper jacketing. : )

SorosBot April 29, 2011 at 1:01 am

There's only on way to deal with your continued trolling – and that is through showing clips of superior shows. So, here you go; here is the indisputably best sitcom of the 80s merged with the indisputable best drama of the late 90s / early 2000s:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pe0S02B1LlI&pl

Gold_ManSacks April 29, 2011 at 1:07 am

Guns are awful. Also, you are clearly a douche.

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