it's a bird it's a ... wingnut on a rascal

Wingnut Mob Now Boycotting Superman, Because He Hates America

Too many pain pills, too much pot, tryin' to be something that I'm not ... I ain't Superman.When even the nation’s beloved cartoon superheroes are saying “Eh, fuck this place and your loser god,” your country might be on the “wrong track.”

So here’s mythical metrosexual King of America and lamestream media reporter Clark “Superman” Kent pledging to join the U.N. or something. Teabaggers will be very upset! Even though the only comics they read are “Mallard Filmore” and those emailed pictures of the Obama Chimp Family picking watermelons outside the White House.

Will that stop teabaggers and Palin slobs from “boycotting” something they don’t read and would never purchase. Of course not, c’mon, are you new around here? Behold the stupid:

Bleep Superman. I urge a boycott of Warner Brothers, all DC franchises, and particularly Superman. They intended this to be a political statement, but it is really a slap in the face of the American identity. Show me any one country that has done more for the world than America. We have fought for more people and sacrificed more treasure than any other country in history.

Great point! And we’re still remembered really fondly for all we’ve done in Vietnam, Cambodia, Laos, El Salvador, Guatemala, Cuba, Panama, Japan, Afghanistan, the Koreas, the Philippines, Iran, Iraq, Lebanon, South Africa, Colombia, Chile and a bunch of other countries we can’t think of right now, because we’re not looking at any random spot on a globe.

This better be some one shot crap shoot or everyone will need to get to work on boycotting DC Comics and the new Superman movie. I am getting tired of these leftist writers taking characters to push their own twisted agenda on the guise of some greater cause.

You know what’s going to be fucking awesome? Never looking at the Internet again. [Portland Mercury/Examiner/DC Comics]

About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • BarackMyWorld

    I thought Superman was an illegal immigrant.

    • SorosBot

      A Jewish illegal immigrant too, with two daddies.

    • BarackMyWorld
      • snoopyfan2010

        It all makes sense now.

      • not that Dewey

        I just went to the Metropolis, IL website, and your awesome photo was featured, front and center.

    • demnkids

      to be more accurate superman is an illegal alien

    • Terry

      He's an extraterrestrial anchor baby

    • Gopherit

      Where's his birth certificate? He doesn't get to slide just because Krypton blew up.

      • SorosBot

        What about his rebirth certificate? Sure, the guy claims he was brought back to life by Kryptonian technology in the Fortress of Solitude, but how do we know he's really the same guy everyone saw killed by Doomsday?

        • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

          In a world where so many verities have turned to dust in my fingers, I cling to one conviction: I hate DC Comics. Hated 'em in the 60s, and will hate 'em 'til my grave. Excelsior!!

        • TheMeatmaker

          Or records of his bris? Can he produce the Kryptonite Klippers?

    • Preferred Customer

      You might even say "alien."

      • BarackMyWorld
    • tessiee

      Well, he's from another planet, so he's by definition an alien.

    • HistoriCat

      Finish the danged space fence!

  • evan7257

    People mad about pretend decision by fictional character in a comic book.

    • elviouslyqueer

      But, but, this is important! Unlike, say, haranguing their congressmen about creating fucking JOBS.

    • Swampgas_Man

      If fictional characters weren't important to these people, they'd have nothing to do on Sunday.

    • Doktor Zoom

      Well, considering that, as Chascates put it, they "overwhelmingly believe in an invisible Space Giant who listens to the inner thoughts of over six billion people…and judges them," their concern over the actions of another fictional character makes more sense.

      Plus, Superman at least has a plausible origin story.

    • lulzmonger

      MURPHY BROWN DID 9/11 – PRESIDENT BARTLETT KNEW

    • Negropolis

      I totally get this. I was livid with how the writers ended Lost. Fuck 'em; fuck 'em all, everyone.

  • metamarcisf

    When the long form birth certificate is finally released, it will show that Kal-El was born on June 1, 1938 in Kryptonoplis, Krypton, to Jor-El, father, nuclear scientist and Lara, mother, housewife/cookie entrapreneur. Then the birthers can finally rest.

    • nounverb911

      Wasn't the birth certificate destroyed when Krypton exploded?

      • metamarcisf

        Nice try. It was attached to the indestructible rocketship that brought little Kal-El to Kansas where he crash-landed but was miraculously unhurt due to his newfound invulnerability. The certificate was hidden by the Kent family in anticipation of circumstances like this.

    • MommysFetusJar

      And then the PUMAS will jump all over Lara for being a damn stay-at-home mom like Michelle Obama, and the Confluence laydiez will get their panties all in a bunch again and maybe then we can instigate another epic blog war. Prtty Plz.

      UPDATE: Oh here…. I rest my case: http://riverdaughter.wordpress.com/2011/04/13/lef

      • Iam_Who_Iam

        OMFG

        What an idiot I am, I scrolled to the top and read it all. Goodbye, if you need me you'll find me curled in the fetal position over there in the corner.

  • Lucidamente1

    This is gonna be real tough for Captain America.

    • SayItWithWookies

      It's gonna give Captain America flashbacks to when he renounced his citizenship.

      • Terry

        If you didn't google that up, i'd hate to play you in Trivial Pursuit

        • SayItWithWookies

          I googled it. You'd still hate to play me in TP, but not over this.

  • http://guyclinch.blogspot.com GuyClinch

    I am getting tired of these leftist writers taking characters to push their own twisted agenda on the guise of some greater cause.

    He's got a point. GOPers never take characters — from that old non-graphic comic book the Bible, let's say — and pursue their hateful agenda.

    • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

      This reminds me of TP'ers dressing like Revolutionary era historic figures. Or the guy running for Congress who had actors portraying George Washington et al and saying "Ready your armies" or some horseshit. Or when Donald Duck encouraged people to pay their taxes to finance WWII. Oops, that's probably not what they want to hear.
      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gJ69X1qt4sQ&fe

    • SorosBot

      Yeah, it's not like Superman was created by liberal Jews (as were most of DC and Marvel's heroes) who pushed a left-wing agenda in the book starting with the very first issue or anything)

  • http://www.frso.org/index.htm 4TheTurnstiles

    At least they didn't have him "go Galt."

    • Gopherit

      Fortress of Solitude = Galt's Gulch

    • SorosBot

      That would only be the Kingdom Come alternative future Superman, who quit after the Joker killed Lois.

  • MildMidwesterner

    If I boycott all DC franchises, where will I get my delicious Five Guys burgers?

  • $exy$murf

    NERDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • nounverb911

    Do these people realize that Saudi Prince Alwaleed bin Talal is the second largest stockholder in Fox?

    • DahBoner

      Is he one of them there "good" ragheads?

  • http://www.kenlayisalive.org KenLayIsAlive

    "We have fought for more people and sacrificed more treasure than any other country in history." /fixed and…

    Lol at "treasure". What the fuck. The world just doesn't appreciate it when we send them our half-opened, overfflowing wooden chests full of gold coins, rubys, and pearl necklaces (with a skull sitting on top) anymore.

    • DaRooster

      Don't you forget the tear gas canisters, guns and… aw fuck it… too long a list.

      • sati_demise

        cluster bombs, white phosphorus, depleted uranium, land mines, mines in the sea blah blah blah, u R rite

    • Fare la Volpe

      Hey, those A-bombs were very expensive, and not once did the Japanese compensate us.

      • http://whateveritisimagainstit.blogspot.com trampndirtdown

        Not even a thank you note.

  • FraAnima

    I'm strictly a Marvel and Zap comic fan, but Kudos to Superman for this anti-imperialist statement.

    Fucking commie.

  • $exy$murf

    They're going to be really pissed when Robin finally comes out.

    • bumfug

      Do you really think republicans would be surprised that Batman was fucking his intern?

      • SorosBot

        But the current Robin is Batman's son, Damian Wayne; ew.

        • bumfug

          Well, Trump said he'd like to shtup his own daughter.

    • nounverb911

      Just don't mention this in Tennessee.

    • elviouslyqueer
      • johnnymeatworth

        Holy Upfist!

    • Cheetah Repeater

      What part of 'sliding down the Batpole' is hard to understand?

  • Barb

    Sarah Palin should take a cue from The Invisible Woman.

    • Extemporanus

      Superman is flying around one day, and with Lois Lane out of town on assignment, he’s feeling kinda horny. After awhile, he's pleasantly surprised to spot the notoriously slutty Wonder Woman lying naked and spread eagle on the roof of the Hall of Justice.  

      "Hmm," he thinks to himself, "I'm faster than a speeding bullet. I could be in and out of that fine Amazon pussy so fast that she'd never even know what hit her." And so with that, he flies down, does the deed, and a split second later is back in the air and flying away, his satisfied superdick flappin' in the breeze like some magnificent red crotch cape.

      A startled Wonder Woman looks up and exclaims, “What the holy Hippolyte was that?!"

      “I don’t know," answers the Invisible Man, "but my ass really fuckin' hurts!”

      • LouBristol

        lol.

  • OkieDokieDog

    We don't need no gay Superman or sissy Truth or radical Judges… I mean Justice.
    We have GOD on our side.

    • Swampgas_Man

      In the DC comics Universe, Superman IS God: ultimate moral arbiter of the universe, loves everybody but always willing to punch 'em, etc. Like that Jeebus guy but clean-shaven.
      How we got this from "leaping over tall buildings and punching choo-choo trains, I dunno.

  • OneYieldRegular

    For what it's worth, I've been boycotting Superman ever since he kept hogging the phone booth.

    • http://guyclinch.blogspot.com GuyClinch

      What's a "phone booth"?

      • http://www.kenlayisalive.org KenLayIsAlive

        It is a small room where people with untreated mental health conditions masturbate.

        • nounverb911

          Oh, isn't that the Senate's Cloak Room?

        • Fukui_sanYesOta

          Are you saying that superman, after whipping off his Clark Kent pants, roughs up the suspect before putting his underwear on over his tights? Eww.

          • doloras

            Maybe he does. We'd never know because he does it all at SUPER-SPEED.

  • pinkocommi

    Think about it. Relatives in Kansas. No birth certificate. Hates America. Obama is Superman.

  • RadioAfterbirther

    Hey, don't break your neck over this Ken.

  • Mumbletypeg

    What a revolting development, indeed.

    • bokononista

      Can we get that again, with more feeling?

    • Cheetah Repeater

      I'm trying to work in an "It's CLOBBERIN' time!" angle.

  • Pragmatist2

    Doesn't he look like what's-his-name, Levi Johnston?

  • Ruhe
  • http://gratuity.wordpress.com/ Gratuitous World

    Looks like a market opening for SuperRand.

    • http://guyclinch.blogspot.com GuyClinch

      Or John BOLTon and His Magical Moustache!

    • doloras

      Nah, get Steve Ditko out of retirement to revive Mr A, the Randian superhero.

  • BarackMyWorld

    I'm so sure all the rightwing talking heads decrying the liberal bias in the comics medium are regular readers of "Superman" or any other series.

    • Geminisunmars

      All of them.

  • nounverb911

    "Show me any one country that has done more for the world than America. "
    Ancient Rome?
    Ancient Greece?

    • http://guyclinch.blogspot.com GuyClinch

      Hell, Italy, just for the food, art and cinema. And amusing old-man sex scandals. (Fave recent Onion headline: "Berlusconi's Penis Stuck in Bottle Stuck in Prostitute")

    • DahBoner

      Ancient China?

      See also "Guns, Germs & Steel"…

    • doloras

      Ancient Rome didn't do jack except conquer places and enslave them. All the "culture" they spread they took wholesale from the Greeks. In fact, Ancient Greece : Ancient Rome :: Britain : America.

    • Numbat_Dundee

      Andorra. The Seychelles. Estonia.

    • Oblios_Cap

      The Arabs?

  • Gold_ManSacks

    How did Supes get citizenship in the first place? The Kent farm should have been raided and seized for harboring illegals and Kal-El should have been sent on the first ship back to Krypton. No Amnesty!!

    • northernbassist

      Special dispensation if your planet of origin explodes *before* you're deported.

      • Gold_ManSacks

        America can't afford to take in every stray from every exploded planet. Krypton, Alderaan, Throneworld, who's next?

    • RavenRant

      But first, a lengthy stay in a for-profit prison.

      • Gold_ManSacks

        Well obviously. Just think of all the license plates he could press w/ super strength and speed and such. To not hypocritically exploit him for the benefit of some faceless corporation and its shareholders would be to spit in the face of everything Superman stood for.

        Also, gold comes from stoopid white people. The poor ones sell me their parents jewelry then I melt it into TRUCKNUTZ or sell it to olds who are scared of the negro pres'dint.

        • RavenRant

          Good to know you're making yourself useful. Do you sell the scaredy-olds overpriced survival seeds, too?

          The gold may be profitable, but I still think you have a book in you. (Not literally, I hope. Unless you're into that.)

          But with your sure-footed instincts for exploiting stoopid white folk's fears, you could have a bestseller on your hands.

          • Gold_ManSacks

            I have never tried that particular kink but I can say with a high degree of certainty that it would not be my bag.

            Exploiting old whites, however, is exactly my bag. I do not sell them survival seeds, yet. I have made a good bit of cash on hand-crank radios, they are made in China, they don't work and are full of poison but I cross out China and write Ohio.

          • RavenRant

            The force is strong in this one.

          • di_da_is_alpha

            Good thing all the olds in my family have me to protect them if things meltdown. I've invested in brass and lead. And a little bit of copper jacketing. : )

          • SorosBot

            There's only on way to deal with your continued trolling – and that is through showing clips of superior shows. So, here you go; here is the indisputably best sitcom of the 80s merged with the indisputable best drama of the late 90s / early 2000s:
            http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pe0S02B1LlI&pl

          • Gold_ManSacks

            Guns are awful. Also, you are clearly a douche.

  • arihaya

    i wonder what the reaction of wingnuts when they read Japanese hentai manga

    • mavenmaven

      I suspect there are very few otaku teabaggers… most are rojin…

    • http://memory-alpha.org/wiki/Armus UpFistTroll

      "Those damned Japs, takin' something as American as Robotech and makin' it all Oriental-ish."

  • Mort_Sinclair

    Even superheroes get the I-can't-take-any-more-F350-Truck-Nutz-Amurkin-Eagle-Bible-Jesus-WTF-this-country-sucks blues.

  • Doktor Zoom

    As is this guy

  • BTWBFDIMHO

    Gilberto Gil talking with Superman? That's rich.

    • http://whateveritisimagainstit.blogspot.com trampndirtdown

      I suppose Astrud was out having drinks with Rita Lee.

  • prommie

    The president is near, and its the leftists' fault. I want my country back, and my superman. Let the Eagle Soar!

  • SorosBot

    He went against them, pissing off the real-world teabaggers:
    http://gawker.com/#!5468936/captain-america-again

  • dancesw_cougars

    I'll bet it was superman who masterminded 9/11

  • Doktor Zoom

    For god's sake, the Teabaggers already have Lex Luthor on their side. For that matter, I'm pretty sure the Koch bros modeled their careers on him.

  • bumfug

    The last straw was finding out that Lex Luthor had bought a shitty wig, built some garish hotels and was trying to parlay a crappy reality show into a run for president.

  • mumbly_joe

    So the tl;dr is that America is the this comment deleted by administrator of the world?

  • $exy$murf

    If you think that's bad you should hear what Superman said about Trig.

    • bumfug

      In the Bizarro world, Trig is Stephen Hawking.

    • Pragmatist2

      Was it "Trig, I'm your father." ???

  • RavenRant

    Ever notice how these folks are ALWAYS metaphorically getting 'slapped in the face' or having something 'rammed down their throats' or being forceded to 'bend over and grab their ankles'? What do you suppose that's all about, hmmm?

    • bokononista

      Poor neglected, closeted, so-wanting-it, Teabaggering sado-masochists.

    • tessiee

      Suppressed knowledge of the treatment they deserve?

      • RavenRant

        Interesting theory. S&M&B&D are almost as exciting to them as SPS*

        Also, in original post, "forceded'? Really, RR, proofread, dammit!

        *Sarah Palin Starbursts

  • http://wonkette.com/ Monsieur_Grumpe

    I guess I’m not surprised. The Tick seems more like a Teabaggers kind of super hero.

    “And, isn't sanity really just a one-trick pony anyway? I mean all you get is one trick, rational thinking, but when you're good and crazy, oooh, oooh, oooh, the sky is the limit.”
    The Tick

    • Doktor Zoom

      "Yeah. Down here I'm the apotheosis of cool." –Sewer Urchin

    • Guppy06

      On the contrary, a better representative of the Teabagger world outlook is the Evil Midnight Bomber What Bombs At Midnight.

      "Bad is good, baby! Down with government!"

      • Doktor Zoom

        And I say, Yeah, baby! I want to be bad! I says, SURF'S UP, SPACE PONIES! I'M MAKING GRAVY WITHOUT THE LUMPS! Aaaaaa-hahahahaha! …

    • LiveToServeYa

      Au contraire, The Tick is the sage of our times. And he was right about sanity, too. "I'm betting that I'm just abnormal enough to survive." – The Tick.

  • SmutBoffin

    Historically, Our Nation's superheroes have gone to war with us, no matter how foolhardy or unjust the imperial venture. Captain America got his start punchin' Nazis. Comics from the 70s depict characters (many of whom still exist today) fighting alongside Americans in Vietnam. Or fighting the Sovs during the Cold War.

    I'm sorry that comics/the people who write them no longer fulfill your jingoistic fantasies, Teabaggers. I really am.

    P.S. Thor is a secret muslin, despite being a deity himself.

    • Doktor Zoom

      Doctor Manhattan eventually wondered what the point of it all was, though.

    • mumbly_joe

      Cappy was actually pretty overtly intended to be pro-War propaganda for World War II- Marvel never was much of a soft touch when it came to those things; the reason he resigned in the 70's was literally because (implied) Nixon was evil.

      On the other hand, Iron Man IS the military-industrial complex, and started in the 60's as a vehicle for Cold War stuff- this is a pretty huge part of why he comes across as a collossal dick, constantly.

  • DahBoner

    Will Teabaggers still live on Opposite World????

  • Doktor Zoom

    Worst joke I know, ca 2004:

    Why didn't Superman save the Twin Towers?

    Because he's a fuckin' quadriplegic!

  • Extemporanusbirther

    I got Hot Pockets® full of kryptonite.

  • SorosBot

    "Show me any one country that has done more for the world than America. "

    Athens. Rome did quite a bit, too. And Sumer, what with whole invention of civilization thing.

    • genxr

      Correction: "Show me one country… and I don't have a passport."

    • user-of-owls

      What about Poland, huh shitface? That's right, Poland, who gave mankind the nurturing gift of galumpkis. Hadn't considered that, did you Mr. My Jingos Are Bigger Than Your Jingos?

  • http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=351473119155 Fred_Wertham_Jr

    That story is noncanonical. The real Superman would never do that.

  • CapnFatback

    Of course they're upset: this isn't the Superman the Baggers have been waiting for.

    • nounverb911

      Übermensch?
      I went to Camp Boiberik with him!

  • RadioAfterbirther

    You know who else was Superman?

    • mumbly_joe

      Ioseb Besarionis dze Jughashvili, also known as the Man of Steel?

      • flamingpdog

        Michael Steele?

    • Doktor Zoom

      George Bernard Shaw?

    • genxr

      Bela Lugosi?

    • DaRooster

      Stem cells?

    • fartknocker

      Ronnie Raygun?

    • bokononista

      Bizarro Superman?

    • bokononista

      Michelle Rhee?

    • Doktor Zoom

      Harry Reames?

    • SorosBot

      The Eradicator, Hank Henshaw / Cyborg, John Henry Irons / Steel, and the clone now known as Connor Kent / Superboy?

      • mumbly_joe

        You are my hero.

        Also, too, Ultraman?

        • zhubajie

          Don't forget Inframan!

    • user-of-owls

      Ray Davies?

      Oh, and your shameless p-trawling is dreamy.

    • tessiee

      Neitzsche?

    • Doktor Zoom
    • http://whateveritisimagainstit.blogspot.com trampndirtdown

      Nancy " Nancy Smash" Pelosi. No wait that's the Hulk… I'll get back to you.

  • nounverb911

    The Kenyan conspirators.

  • GregComlish

    Back in 1938 they wouldn't have used the politically correct term "Kryptonian". In those days Superman's race would have simply been listed as "Superior".

  • metamarcisf

    Kal-El, or Clark Kent as he became known, was considered a foundling and brought to the Smallville Orphanage by Jonathan and Martha Kent, who were then allowed to adopt him, the bureaucracy being less stringent in those days. It is unknown whether a traditional birth announcement was ever published either in the local paper or in the Daily Planet.

    • FrenchTwist40

      A certification of circumcision would also be acceptable in lieu of a birth certificate.

      • ThundercatHo

        No way. S-man is intact since foreskin is impermeable to sharp, metal objects. Which ought to make Lois a very happy little lady.

  • jus_wonderin

    This leads me to believe they are going to be really boilng when "FabulousMan" decides to move to Amsterdam.

  • whiskeybaby

    I realize this is kind of the pot calling the kettle black, but do these wingnuts not have fucking jobs, or at least access to the outside world? Do they sit around all day scouring the internet for things to get faux-outraged about?
    #rhetoricalquestions

    • zhubajie

      No, they don't have jobs! They are chronically unemployed because of fat or mental illness or perhaps have a tiny inheritance that's persuaded them they are too good to work. Yes, they, sit around all day, scouring the Net for excuses to throw another tantrum. (Fundamentalists pioneered this long ago).

  • mereoblivion

    Somewhere in Metropolis, Jimmy Olson is weeping.

    • user-of-owls

      Bullshit. Jimmy Olson is writing Chuck Grassley's tweets. On purpose.

      • flamingpdog

        Weeping AND writing John Boehner's tweets.

    • trondant

      While biting his pillow?

      • DashboardBuddha

        They don't call ol' Sup the Man of Steel for nothing.

  • finallyhappy

    There's a new Superman Movie? I guess I will have to go and see it for poltiical reasons.

    So I may go to the White House Correspondents Dinner(no, I am NOT invited) and stand outside and boo the Trump. The Post invited him- Maybe now is time to force my husband to cancel the subscription.

    • zhubajie

      I've heard there's a new Godzilla movie, too, Kingdom of Monsters. That's more to my taste!

  • Gopherit

    I can hear the Teabaggers screaming from their basements now : "Mom!!! Stop buying those Superman comics for me! And Burn my underroos!!! Superman joined the New World Order!!! WHERE ARE MY CHEETOS??!?!"

  • Sassomatic

    What right do writers have to use their art to express their ideas? Superman belongs to America, damn it!

  • DaRooster

    "We have fought for more people…"

    Really? Not for what we could get from them… er… OK.

  • fartknocker

    Well I hope Charlie Brown helps Snoopy puts on his WWI ace cap and goggles and strafes Swamp Fox Press or whatever the name of this tin-foil hat Gutenburg is. While Snoopy's at it, maybe he can air drop Lucy at Wasilla Rose's domicile and be a guest co-anchor on Faux news.

  • bokononista

    The new Teatard bling is going be the Kryptonite Patriot lapel pins, available as a bespeckled American flag or a downfisted hand.

  • genxr

    Lamestream Media!

  • capnhuggyface

    This is good news for Ziggy…

    • CapnFatback

      Make sure to use his full name: This is good news for Ziggy McCain.

    • Doktor Zoom

      Oh, Ziggy…will you never win?

    • user-of-owls

      Dude doesn't wear pants and gets sneered at by parrots. Good news for him would be the sweet embrace of death.

      • Swampgas_Man

        Today's Ziggy has a Man From Washington coming up to the Zig and saying, "I'm from the government and I'm here to implant this microchip in your brain." Really.

        • Doktor Zoom

          Oh, that Tom Wilson! Where does he come up with that stuff?

          • user-of-owls

            From the microchip in his brain, of course. Or maybe his obstreperous parrot.

          • Doktor Zoom

            He's pretty "edgy," don't you think? He's got "attitude."

          • user-of-owls

            Hmm. He's definitely got ppm between the ears, so I suppose if that qualifies as "attitude" then yes, just like the vapid parasites who will get married this weekend.

            As to 'edgy,' if you can geometrically define an angle in that bulbous mass, I'll send you an amero.

        • mumbly_joe

          Fourteen most frightening words in the English language!

          Well, after the white supremacist ones.

    • HedonismBot

      And the Spiders From Mars? Illegal aliens, the whole lot.

    • ShaveTheWhales

      I read that as "Zippy", and read all the comments trying to figure out why all the pinhead hate.

      Nevermind.

      • Angry_Marmot

        "If you can't say something nice, say something surrealistic."

  • Frost/Nixon/Robocop

    Truth, Justice, and the Trilateral Commission Way!

  • genxr

    It's just a plot device to build dramatic tension, leading up to the redemption in Act III, where Superman watches the Atlas Shrugged movie and finally sees the error of his ways. He spends the rest of the series water-boarding Pakistani taxi drivers.

  • bokononista

    Somewhere a bald eagle is shedding more tears than usual realizing he's stuck representing these crazies now that Superman pussed out.

  • mavenmaven

    Hoveround Man and Bristol Woman!

    • http://www.kenlayisalive.org KenLayIsAlive

      He's weeping now, but he'll soon be headed off to get some poster board and stick on letters for his anti-Superman truck screed.

    • RavenRant

      "Rascal Man' has a nice ring to it.

    • trondant

      Hoveround Man has to be the Piltdown Man of American politics.

  • rickmaci

    You all know Superman entered the country without proper papers, keeps trying to jump the system by a fake marriage to Lois Lane and is nothing but an illegal alien.

    • RavenRant

      But his Anchor Babies will be awesome!

  • elviouslyqueer

    Also.

    h/t BarackMyWorld

  • bokononista

    George Reeves!!!!!!!!!!!

    • tessiee

      Steve Reeves?

      • tessiee

        Keanu Reeves?

  • http://www.kenlayisalive.org KenLayIsAlive

    Awesome.

  • widget2011

    Jesus would bitch slap superman for that. Remember, we're talking about "Wild West Six-Shooter Jusus" as depicted in the Book of Morman, fucking morons.

  • Dudleydidwrong

    Does this mean that Clark Kent has applied for a job with Al Jazeera?

    • Extemporanus

      "That was Kal-El, reporting live from the Fortress of Allahtude. Shukran, Kal…super job!

      And now, let's check in with Rā's al Ghūl for an update on this weekend's weather. Rā's, whaddya got for us?"

      • Dudleydidwrong

        Kent also applied for a position with Xinhua News Agency in Beijing but there are some language barriers as neither Kripton nor Kansas English work well in translation.

    • Angry_Marmot

      I'd buy that comic.

    • sati_demise

      he was killed by friendly fire. it was covered up. wikileaks cable coming soon.

  • SheriffRoscoe

    Truth, Justice, and the *American Way.

    *Do you know how many people you could have billed for "services rendered," Superman? We have fire departments who'll let your house and pets burn to the ground for non-payment nowadays.

  • Doktor Zoom

    Wait, which one is Scratchy?

  • mumbly_joe

    Which is ironic for so many reasons, as the character was originally concieved to be Batman's beard.

  • DahBoner

    When I asked one Wingnut why the Bush family did bid'ness with the bin Laden family, I was told it was darn near impossible to not do business with 'em…

  • hagajim

    America….Superman's kryptonite.

  • comptoneffect

    And Sarah Palin doesn't read this newspaper either.

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    Didn't we talk about this yesterday? page 3

  • ChuckieJesus

    Aw, come on Wingnuts! Buck up! After all, Supes was created by a couple of poor, liberal Jews… and who the hell cares what they think?

    • HedonismBot

      Recently read "The Amazing Adventures of Cavalier and Klay." Highly recommend it.

  • savethispatient

    This is just a cunning ploy to avoid paying taxes, which is not okay, unless you're a big corporation!

    • HedonismBot

      Paying taxes on what?? Superman receives no paycheck, owns no property, has no heirs to worry about paying death taxes, etc. He lives off the radar – literally, due to his supersonic flight speed.

      • savethispatient

        Good point… merchandising rights, perhaps? I'm sure he does the motivational speaker circuit too…

      • Doktor Zoom

        The upkeep on the Fortress of Solitude is a bitch, though. It's mortgaged out the wazoo.

  • pdiddycornchips

    The teabaggers don't need Superman. They have Chuck Norris and Ted Nugent. Rifles and roundhouse kicks are more American than capes and red undies anyway.

  • savethispatient

    To be fair, that wasn't as bad as what the US electorate has done to America…

    • SorosBot

      That was the trouble – DC began the President Luthor storyline in 2000, and it turned out our real-world election ended up with someone much worse winning (well, "winning").

  • JudasPeckerwood

    Notice how you never see Superman and Jimmy Kimmel in the same r… HOLY SHIT!

  • DashboardBuddha

    Meh…boycott away. Superman is a dick

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

      Hah, you beat me to it! I love that site.

  • genxr

    Maybe it's a metaphor. The loaves and fishes represent CEO salaries and shareholder dividends, respectively, which multiplied as the poor people waited outside walmart for their paychecks to clear.

    • Doktor Zoom

      Well, obviously it's not meant to be taken literally. It refers to any manufacturers of dairy products.

    • RavenRant

      These people can only call themselves Christians by creatively explaining away everything Christ ever said ad did. Turns out, he was totally being sarcastic the whole time!

      • genxr

        And Jesus spoke unto them, "Hey, thanks for your support, I know you've come a long way and you're all really hungry, but I have these loaves and fishes right here, all you can eat for free… ha ha, I'm just kidding, nothing is free you dumb commies, and now I'm going to leave you all to act in your own rational self interest."

        • RavenRant

          I just envisioned a celebrity roast of Jesus. Am I going to burn in hell, or what?

          • tessiee

            I thought that was the Last Supper.

  • DangerHelvetica

    You know those boycotters would all kneel before Zod anyway.

  • user-of-owls

    Why the fuck anyone care 'bout this cowlick fag? Even fairy boy Jesus could woop 'em. And of course, George Fucking Washington could kick them both apart, finishing up by curing childhood polio, but not for British children.

  • carlgt1

    how long until we hear Repugs screech:

    "SUPERMAN HATES US FOR OUR FREEDUMS!!!!!!"

  • RavenRant

    Um, misunderstood, not misunderstand. Shame!

  • northernbassist

    Hell, I'm tired of having my instruments (mostly basses, but a few guitars too) construed as actions of U.S. policy. Miss *one* friggin' note and BOOM!! we're at war.

    Still.

  • RavenRant

    This should come as no surprise. Superman's slogan is "Truth, Justice, and the American Way" and as Father Beck has explained, justice is the root of all evil. And we know truth blows. And America has clearly LOST her way, so…

    Also, downfist troll better not come within range of my fists. (Er, claws.) Pindick.

  • trondant

    Being Tucker Carlson comes to mind.

    • RavenRant

      I hadn’t thought of that. BECAUSE IT’S TOO HORRIBLE TO CONTEMPLATE!!!1!

  • Nopantsmcgee

    Comic books to a teabagger. TL;DR

  • proudgrampa

    I, for one, am tired of my Sapphire martinis construed as instruments of US policy.

  • DonnyKerabotsos

    I think it's curious that we've never seen Lex Luthor and Donald Trump together. Maybe that explains the hair…

  • RavenRant

    The Water-into-Wine Shoppes – HUGE profits.

  • ttommyunger

    Always suspected the Right had a problem distinguishing reality from fantasy. File this story under "Suspicions Confirmed".

    • mumbly_joe

      I commented on this the other day, thanks to a Douche-hat column that ended by asking the profound question, "Is Tony Soprano in heaven?"

      • ttommyunger

        Reminds me of Quayle's criticism of a sitcom character, Murphy Brown. I guess they're lucky in a way, reality has a way of sucking sometimes.

  • ttommyunger

    Every night is cartoon night at Faux. “Sean of the Closet” is my personal fav.

  • metamarcisf

    As pointed out earlier, a circumcision certificate for Superman is an obvious oxymoron. Ironically, Superman's creators, Jerry Siegal and Joe Shuster were both Jewish. Originally it was intended that the Man of Steel be Jewish also. However, an early plot thread involving Lois, Hitler and a shower stall put this notion to rest forever.

    • Angry_Marmot

      He's Moses. Or maybe Arthur, since everybody keeps letting him down.

  • tessiee

    Wait till they find out that he's also dating Murphy Brown.

  • tessiee

    At least the ones who don't sound like Charlie Brown's teacher.

  • Troubledog

    How did motherfucking Superman, a literal alien, get US citizenship? Probably from Woodrow Wilson.

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

    I believe Captain America pulled this shit during Watergate, and again a few years ago with the "Death Of Captain America" stunt. DC Relevance FAIL!

    • SorosBot

      Well, it;s DC, so of course the relevance failed; meanwhile, Marvel had a storyline that involved Iron Man and Mr. Fantastic sending their unregistered former friends to an inter-dimensional prison where Earth law did not apply, which just seemed to be a wee bit of a commentary on the politics at the time (2007).

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

    Well what do you expect? Superman is a dick.
    http://superdickery.com/index.php?option=com_cont

  • BZ1

    BTW, The Sup is Canajan!

  • Negropolis

    Looks like we shouldn't be waiting for Superman, 'cause that dude is pissed. When he does come back to Rapure us, we'll regret it, for sure.

  • Negropolis

    BTW, they need to give Superman a black girlfriend. That'd really send them into a tizzy.

  • MadBrahms

    I once read a great book which framed imperial expansion as "the gift of empire"; the idea is that by bringing light to and civilizing the savages, the civilized (read: "conquering") nation creates a symbolic debt that is impossible for the exploited and conquered to ever repay.

    The upshot is that any resistance to imperial assholery is seen as a profound and even aggressive lack of gratitude. "Hey! We brought you the glorious gift of military dictatorship disguised as democracy, and you want to overthrow it just because a few pesky women and children were massacred? Ungrateful fucks." America: The 20th century's greatest giver.

    I've got to stop doing these late-night tl;dr serious posts.

    • zhubajie

      I've been reading Francis Younghusband's bio recently. It has a photo which sums up the British Empire pretty well: A Sikh is flogging a Tibetan while a Briton looks on (supervising I suppose).

  • widget2011

    I just don't get why superman was an american anyway. Superman would be far more comfortable in nazi germany as an aryan. Just think of the episodes under this context.

    1. Superman forces great britain to surrender.
    2. Superman single handedly forces 6 million jews into death camps.
    3. Superman defeats communism and socialism.
    4. Superman defeats the united states.
    5. Superman rounds up homosexuals worldwide, cures homosexuality for good.
    6. Superman protects the reich for 1000 years.
    7. Superman eliminates the indigent, cuts taxes and installs death panels.
    8 Superman protects the wealthy from moochers, and those who can't "pull themselves up by their bootstraps".
    9. Superman eliminates deficits worldwide by enslaving american middle class.
    10. Superman's motto: Work will make you free (Arbeit Macht Frei)

  • widget2011

    Can anyone add to that?

  • Redhead

    "Show me any one country that has done more for the world than America. "

    I guess ancient Greece is no longer the birthplace of democracy (at least in Texas' history books).

  • http://wonkette.com/ outragedcitizen

    I'm tired of U.S. Policy being construed as my policy.

  • http://wonkette.com/ outragedcitizen

    I've often wondered what Superman would have become had his rescue capsule landed in 1938 German or even Russia. We could be looking at an entirely different world right now.

    Oh, wait, Superman is fiction. Then why would anyone give a shit what he does?

    • SorosBot

      Sounds like someone's never read Superman: Red Son ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Superman:_Red_Son ). That was back when Mark Millar seemed like a talented newcomer, before everything he wrote became rape rape rape rape rape.

  • http://www.deathwishcreeps.com/about/ Camaro Nova

    I love how conservatives, idealists that they really are, only get worked up about metaphors, ideas (yes, even stupid ideas are still ideas) and the non-existent. They're never concerned with reality or practicality at all.

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

    Wingnuts should content themselves with fapping to '80s anti-brown vigilantism (The Dark Knight Returns) and homoerotic fantasies of European martial and cultural superiority (300) provided by the great Frank Miller. A few rapey issues of Cerebus the Aardvark should then bring them to completion.

    • http://wonkette.com Ken Layne

      Oh, they fucking love Frank Miller. Your mention of 300 brought back memories of the entire right-wing nerd blog world circle-jerking over some Frank Miller cartoon humans massacring whatever people they were worked up about that week (Persians).

  • revmod

    Don't forget the time the government felt the use of the costume required him to do their bidding.

  • Abenstern

    I've noted that the "OMG, Sooperman hates Amurrica" comes from folks who haven't read the book for years, if not decades. This basic ignorance is to be expected from such riff-raff but I would like to note a few things that have made Superman rethink his outlook.

    During Final Crisis, the world was taken over by Darkseid and only saved by Superman using the Miracle Machine wishing for "a happy ending." Next up was Darkest Night during which the reborn Krypton was destroyed by a US Black Ops group (under the command of his father-in-law Sam Lane). Now, at the end of the Brightest Day, after defeating a cosmically-enhanced Lex Luthor, he decided to stand betwixt the army and protesters in Tehran, silently supporting the latter for 24 hours. This action led to a clandestine meeting with a government official, complete with snipers with Kryptonite bullets.

    Good thing he was brought up in Kansas with solid values and respect for authority. There could have been many secret bases becoming smoking craters to declare his new world citizen status. I just wish he'd join a virtual state like NSK.

  • sati_demise

    I love you Mr. Layne.

  • sati_demise

    Is Lois your sister?