DEATH COMES TO THOSE WHO RAISE TAXES  2:26 pm April 28, 2011

George H.W. Bush a Scooter Person Now

by Jack Stuef

George W. Bush’s father:

I have a form of Parkinson’s disease, which I don’t like. My legs don’t move when my brain tells them to. It’s very frustrating. But I am in no pain, and I have discovered the amazing scooters, which Barbara accuses me of driving like I drive my boat. But they help me get around. I’m not sure about jumping. I announced I was going to jump when I turned 90. I have three more years to decide. My legs’ not working properly might be a deterrent.

Nonsense. If Teabaggers can go around in their scooters SAVING THE COUNTRY, surely this tea hater can drive his out of an airplane. He acts like he knows how to use a scooter, pfft! Real scooter people started using them when they were in their forties, because living under big government puts a tremendous strain on their bodies. That and poor diet/lack of exercise. [TIME]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 104 comments }

mirrorballdc April 28, 2011 at 2:29 pm

Great. Can't wait to see George Sr. appear in some Scooter Store ads.

nounverb911 April 28, 2011 at 2:32 pm

Every time I see the words "Scooter Store" they remind me of Phil Rizzuto shilling for the Money Store.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nDQHQkuv9l0

Winnie_Cooper April 28, 2011 at 3:57 pm

Like Bob Dole and Viagra. Or Pepsi. Or whatever it was that helped him make sweet, sweet old man love to Senator Elizabeth.

nounverb911 April 28, 2011 at 2:31 pm

Did medicare pay for it like the ads promise?

ttommyunger April 28, 2011 at 2:34 pm

This pussyfart has belonged in a Lard Rover since he turned twenty. His so-called parachute jumps (in tandum with a professional parachutist) only endanger someone else's life along with his own. He has been bought and paid for ever since he was called on that last intentional splash-down in the Pacific Theater. Dubya is God's curse on this turd and his harpy wife.

EatsBabyDingos April 28, 2011 at 2:43 pm

"Harpy wife" reminds me of when my 6 year old daughter carefully crafted a mother's day card that said in bold "HARPY MOTHER'S DAY!"

That was a dozen years ago and it still makes me laugh.

ttommyunger April 28, 2011 at 2:56 pm

Memories of children are the most precious in life.

SayItWithWookies April 28, 2011 at 3:32 pm

Unless you're GHWB, in which case memories consist of choking down your own phlegm while insisting you're soooo proud…

sallysubterfuge April 29, 2011 at 2:45 am

Nuh-uh! Memories of fetus jars are better.

ttommyunger April 29, 2011 at 6:57 am

Thx for slapping me back to reality, Sally; almost got maudlin there.

smokefilledroommate April 28, 2011 at 2:34 pm

He should just ride Babs around.

tribbzthesquidz April 29, 2011 at 1:53 am

BOOM!

BarryOPotter April 29, 2011 at 8:41 am

He should just ride Babs around.

Wait, isn't that how all this bother with his legs began?

Barb April 28, 2011 at 2:34 pm

Wonder if he has a little basket at the front of his scooter so that he can't take his jar fetus out for a little father/son outing? (cue Andy Griffith whistling theme song)

arihaya April 28, 2011 at 2:38 pm

one advice Mr ex-President : keep your son AWAY from the scooter

comrad_darkness April 28, 2011 at 7:59 pm

No no, hand W a bag of pretzels and say, here son, try out my scooter.

CliveWarren April 28, 2011 at 2:39 pm

"I have discovered the amazing scooters, which Barbara accuses me of driving like I drive my boat."

Nothing like setting your scooter afloat and taking on the high seas…

DashboardBuddha April 28, 2011 at 4:42 pm

For some reason when I saw that I read "Barbara's cooter".

Now I have a sad.

AutomaticPilot April 28, 2011 at 9:23 pm

Don't we all.

BarryOPotter April 29, 2011 at 8:43 am

And I, unfortunately, allowed the image of GHWB motor boating Barb to develop in my horrid, horrid little mind. Bad mind! Bad mind!

AutomaticPilot April 28, 2011 at 9:23 pm

He must drive his boat reeeeeeally slooowwwwww.

BaldarTFlagass April 29, 2011 at 8:38 am

"He drives like old people fuck."

harry_palmer April 28, 2011 at 2:40 pm

Just one more government-hating moran fattening up at the government teat.

SorosBot April 28, 2011 at 2:40 pm

I would think seeing what his son has done to the country and his family name would make H. W. want to jump out of a plane.

comrad_darkness April 28, 2011 at 8:00 pm

What? They are also rans compared to good old Nazi money Prescott.

gurukalehuru April 28, 2011 at 2:40 pm

Die whenever you are ready, old man. The world would be a better place if you had never been born.

CliveWarren April 28, 2011 at 2:41 pm

"I have a form of Parkinson’s disease, which I don’t like."

Sure, you don't like it but I'm sure Rush will find it hillllllarious…

Gratuitous World April 28, 2011 at 2:43 pm

yep!

__kth__ April 28, 2011 at 2:47 pm

I mostly object to this thread but that's a clean kill.

Buckminster April 29, 2011 at 1:30 pm

What in the heck? Who WOULD like Parkinson's Disease?

nounverb911 April 28, 2011 at 2:41 pm

Do you know who else should get shoved out of an airplane?

RedneckMuslin April 28, 2011 at 2:46 pm

"Scooter" Libby?

SorosBot April 28, 2011 at 2:54 pm

D. B. Cooper?

horsedreamer_1 April 28, 2011 at 3:00 pm

Otto?

GOPCrusher April 28, 2011 at 3:52 pm

Hermann Goering?

BaldarTFlagass April 29, 2011 at 8:38 am

Auric Goldfinger?

102415 April 29, 2011 at 1:30 pm

Donald Trump, focus people.

arihaya April 28, 2011 at 2:43 pm

Reagan got Alzheimer's, Papa Bush got Parkinson's, but Carter seems to be healthy, make me wonder why …

EatsBabyDingos April 28, 2011 at 2:49 pm

That's easy-he's like the Key Bridge-always going in and out of Rosslyn.

JustPixelz April 28, 2011 at 3:27 pm

Or the flights to LaGuardia going in and out of Queens.

DustBowlBlues April 28, 2011 at 3:33 pm

God loves Democrats. Suck on that, Teatards.

OkieDokieDog April 28, 2011 at 5:12 pm

Carter didn't sell his soul to the GOP Corporate Masters, he's told off the Southern Baptist Convention for being misogynists and… peanuts.

glamourdammerung April 28, 2011 at 5:20 pm

Kind of odd how neurological problems and conservatism seems to go hand in hand. One could almost see a pattern.

Hatrabbit April 28, 2011 at 2:43 pm

" I’m not sure about jumping. I announced I was going to jump when I turned 90. I have three more years to decide. My legs’ not working properly might be a deterrent."

Jump. Seriously, just fucking jump.

CapeClod April 28, 2011 at 2:44 pm

Does his protection for life squad get scooters too? That must be the suckiest duty in the Secret Service.

DustBowlBlues April 28, 2011 at 3:34 pm

Seriously. Besides incredibly boring, can you imagine what it would be like to be expected to take a bullet for this old fart?

rip1944 April 28, 2011 at 7:33 pm

Must be fascinating to watch mobility scooters with tinted windscreens, driving in 15mph convoys with blue and red flashing lights on top.

EatsBabyDingos April 28, 2011 at 2:46 pm

"I have a form of Parkinson’s disease, which I don’t like"

Well, why didn't you order the form of Parkinson's disease that you did like? Buyer's remorse?

freakishlywrong April 28, 2011 at 2:47 pm

Aww..Babs will just tell him he was under privileged anyway so this will work out very well for him.

Hatrabbit April 28, 2011 at 2:47 pm

"My legs don’t move when my brain tells them to. "

Are your limbs smarter than your brain? Check.

Here's your scooter, Sir.

poncho_pilot April 28, 2011 at 2:49 pm

the title of this article mislead me. i was hoping he transformed like this guy:
http://youtu.be/_haRIsvqvG4

Hatrabbit April 28, 2011 at 2:52 pm

Seriously, I would have sympathy for the man if it wasn't for the fact that he fucked the entire country with his breeding habits.

Monsieur_Grumpe April 28, 2011 at 2:52 pm
OkieDokieDog April 28, 2011 at 7:30 pm

Perfect. I bet Chuck Norris has one of these lil babies.

EatsBabyDingos April 28, 2011 at 2:52 pm

So, you drive the scooter like your boat? What, you get one mile to the three gallons (of prune juice)?

Well, at least you can afford it, thanks to voodoo economics.

widestanceroman April 28, 2011 at 3:15 pm

That also means he's drunk and listening to Jimmy Buffet.

aguacatero April 28, 2011 at 2:56 pm

Devolution makes us look back at earlier generations with a little nostalgia.

Gopherit April 28, 2011 at 2:58 pm

Karma is a harsh mistress, 41. Ask the ghosts of those people killed by the death squads the CIA created in Central America under your watch.

Pragmatist2 April 28, 2011 at 2:59 pm

He was a jerk and he sired a jerk but the guy is feisty.

CliveWarren April 28, 2011 at 3:00 pm

"Seriously, who's the better golfer: 41, 42 or 43?"

"I am going with my son. He gave up golf while he was President, but his game has really come back. He's tearing up the courses in Texas."

When I picture a great golfer he is definitely someone who tears up golf courses with his 9 iron – just cold running back and forth leaving huge unrepairable holes behind him. Wait, were we talking about golf?

pinkocommi April 28, 2011 at 3:17 pm

"My legs don’t move when my brain tells them to."

Nothing works below your waist, huh? If only you had this problem 65 years ago before you and Barbara conceived W., you could have saved the rest of us a lot of problems.

James Michael Curley April 28, 2011 at 3:28 pm

Did Poppy Bush pay for that thing or have the gov'ment buy it with the loophole in Medicare Part D created by Dubya?

JustPixelz April 28, 2011 at 3:30 pm

If only there was some medical technique to help people with Parkinson's. Perhaps something involving stem cells. I can't think of a single reason that can't be done. OH WAIT! Nevermind.

DemmeFatale April 28, 2011 at 7:00 pm

Repeat after me: "human-animal hybrids."

(Dubya dog whistling about stem cells in the SOU address.)

DemmeFatale April 28, 2011 at 8:06 pm

You can take away my p-ness, but you'll never take away my POST!!!!

(But I'm glad I struck a nerve!)

BaldarTFlagass April 29, 2011 at 8:48 am

To go on two legs is very hard. Perhaps four is better, anyway.

Just for inflicting W on us, this cat deserves a long stay in the House of Pain.

fuflans April 28, 2011 at 3:49 pm

i actually find bush senior a little sad – with more than a whiff of greek tragedy about him.

and come to think of it: hoverounds would be an exciting addition to sophacles.

DahBoner April 28, 2011 at 4:54 pm

"In Kitty Kelley's book The Family: The Real Story of the Bush Dynasty that New Yorker writer Brendan Gill was once a guest of George H.W. and Barbara Bush at their summer house in Kennebunkport, Maine. Stumbling through the place late at night in search of something to read, the only volume he could find was The Fart Book."

If you iz sad, Poopy Bush tell you fart joke and cheerz you up!

TheMeatmaker April 29, 2011 at 2:29 am

Oedipus at Colonuscopy

102415 April 29, 2011 at 1:39 pm

You made my day perfect!

emmelemm April 28, 2011 at 3:55 pm

Win.

GOPCrusher April 28, 2011 at 3:58 pm

I was going to make a totally tasteless post about how G. H. W. Bush with Parkinson's should jump from a plane, and hopefully the shakes will prevent him from being able to pull the rip cord leaving him screaming in terror as he crashes to Earth like a human lawn dart.
But that wouldn't be civilized.

hagajim April 28, 2011 at 3:59 pm

I thought maybe he had come out of the closet and was riding I Lewis "Scooter" Libby….my bad.

Chillwaver April 28, 2011 at 3:59 pm

At least he's got a reason to ride a scooter. Teatards, on the other hand, are mostly just fat and lazy.

Hatrabbit April 28, 2011 at 4:01 pm

They're not THAT fat. If you brush off all the cheeto dust they're about five pounds lighter than the scales would have you believe.

SonofSpermcube May 2, 2011 at 7:37 am

they're mostly just fat and lazy, just like the unemployed who should just get a job already.

chicken_thief April 28, 2011 at 4:03 pm

Damn. You beat me to a version of a "cup holder for Jar Fetus"!!!!

RadioAfterbirther April 28, 2011 at 4:36 pm

Don't leave it the sun with the windows closed, you could get charged with fetus endangerment.

OkieDokieDog April 28, 2011 at 5:08 pm

ha! Damn. I forgot about the cup holder. I saw a scooter ad on tv yesterday with the cup holder and a goody bag hanging off the side.

carlgt1 April 28, 2011 at 4:06 pm

looking back, it seems Reagan and his satanic philosophical offspring are far crazier than GHW Bush. I mean, who'da thought back then that a a Machiavellian wimp like Bush Sr would have been preferable to the teabaggers of today? hell Nixon (what with the EPA & all) seems like a drooling liberal compared to these latter-day taints…

doloras April 28, 2011 at 7:17 pm

"The Democrats left three letters out of their platform – G.O.D."

Poppy Bush at the 1992 GOP convention. Never forget, he's just as evil as his son, just smarter.

carlgt1 April 29, 2011 at 12:10 am

oh that was a funny one from GHWB considering the three letters he loves the most are "C I A"

DashboardBuddha April 28, 2011 at 4:43 pm

C'mon George…you gotta jump! Gunning the scooter down the open ramp of a C-130 at 12,000 ft and parachuting down would be totally BAD ASS!

OkieDokieDog April 28, 2011 at 5:17 pm

Just strap a bomb on it and have him jump out over some brown country.

DashboardBuddha April 28, 2011 at 5:45 pm

For freedom!!!!11!!!

DahBoner April 28, 2011 at 4:50 pm

"That and poor diet/lack of exercise."

Sounds like some of that Commie "personal responsibility" drivel.

Every Bagger knows you trash out your body, and then bad-mouth "Medical Science" because they can't just invent a Magic Pill that cures you instantly…

ThundercatHo April 28, 2011 at 4:51 pm

So, if he drives his scooter like his boat did he get like the James Bond edition?

deanbooth April 28, 2011 at 4:59 pm

Jump! In fact, make it a family outing.

LetUsBray April 28, 2011 at 6:19 pm

/am ashamed of myself for upfisting the last two posts.

wondering where i am April 29, 2011 at 10:00 am

Watch out for the freeper brigade. They're coming in their tank chairs!

DemmeFatale April 28, 2011 at 6:50 pm

Yeah, that way we'll see if Dubya REALLY answers to a "higher father."

Gleem_McShineys April 28, 2011 at 7:59 pm

"Now with 64oz FREEDOM TANK"

Rotundo_ April 28, 2011 at 8:55 pm

No side car for Babs, just a long saddle and a tee shirt emblazoned with "If You Can Read This- The Bitch Fell Off" on 41's back

RavenRant April 28, 2011 at 9:04 pm

He's riding Scooter? I guess it's hard finding gainful employment when you're a felon, even if your sentence was commuted.

Negropolis April 29, 2011 at 12:15 am

Wait, so he has Parkinson's now? That is actually…unfortunate. No, really. Reagan he was not. He's his own special type of crappy. His son is a whole other level of unadulterated dangerous.

Either way, Parkinson's is no fun, to say the least.

BZ1 April 29, 2011 at 12:37 am

HW: "So right now there are only five of us who understand what it means to be Commander in Chief.." not counting Lou Sarah, of course…

TheMeatmaker April 29, 2011 at 2:27 am

Funny, your brain not working properly was never a deterrent.

MinAgain April 29, 2011 at 9:59 am

I wonder if he will name the scooter Libby?

mrblifil April 29, 2011 at 11:57 am

Hey Poppy, you may not make it to 90. Howzabout you frontload and get in a couple dozen plane jumps in right now?

sezme April 29, 2011 at 1:16 pm

Legs not moving when your brain tells them to?
You say "a form of Parkinson's" I say "tertiary syphillis". Let's call the whole thing off.

NorthStarSpanx April 29, 2011 at 2:24 pm

I have a form of Parkinson’s disease, which I don’t like. (Would he prefer a different form of Parkinsons?)

My legs don’t move when my brain tells them to. It’s very frustrating. (Notice any big investments in stem cell research out of CT today?)

But I am in no pain (guess we are supposed to celebrate that?), and I have discovered the amazing scooters, which Barbara accuses me of driving like I drive my boat (one could almost felt empathy for the man until he brought up the privilege of luxury yachting.)

But they help me get around. I’m not sure about jumping. I announced I was going to jump when I turned 90. I have three more years to decide. My legs’ not working properly might be a deterrent. (You don't need your legs to fly George, you can just be pushed out, I'm sure lots of helpful Americans (or not) would gladly assist you.)

Cthulalala April 29, 2011 at 3:14 pm

"Throw Poppy From the Plane?"

randcoolcatdaddy April 30, 2011 at 10:05 am

"I have discovered the amazing scooters, which Barbara accuses me of driving like I drive my boat."

Much the say way he discovered bar code readers in a supermarket during his Presidency…

kittenbomb May 1, 2011 at 3:40 pm

"But I am in no pain…"

You would be alone on that. Thanks for nothing, 41.

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