George H.W. Bush a Scooter Person Now

  death comes to those who raise taxes

George W. Bush’s father:

I have a form of Parkinson’s disease, which I don’t like. My legs don’t move when my brain tells them to. It’s very frustrating. But I am in no pain, and I have discovered the amazing scooters, which Barbara accuses me of driving like I drive my boat. But they help me get around. I’m not sure about jumping. I announced I was going to jump when I turned 90. I have three more years to decide. My legs’ not working properly might be a deterrent.

Nonsense. If Teabaggers can go around in their scooters SAVING THE COUNTRY, surely this tea hater can drive his out of an airplane. He acts like he knows how to use a scooter, pfft! Real scooter people started using them when they were in their forties, because living under big government puts a tremendous strain on their bodies. That and poor diet/lack of exercise. [TIME]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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104 comments

    1. Winnie_Cooper

      Like Bob Dole and Viagra. Or Pepsi. Or whatever it was that helped him make sweet, sweet old man love to Senator Elizabeth.

  1. ttommyunger

    This pussyfart has belonged in a Lard Rover since he turned twenty. His so-called parachute jumps (in tandum with a professional parachutist) only endanger someone else's life along with his own. He has been bought and paid for ever since he was called on that last intentional splash-down in the Pacific Theater. Dubya is God's curse on this turd and his harpy wife.

    1. EatsBabyDingos

      "Harpy wife" reminds me of when my 6 year old daughter carefully crafted a mother's day card that said in bold "HARPY MOTHER'S DAY!"

      That was a dozen years ago and it still makes me laugh.

        1. SayItWithWookies

          Unless you're GHWB, in which case memories consist of choking down your own phlegm while insisting you're soooo proud…

    1. BarryOPotter

      He should just ride Babs around.

      Wait, isn't that how all this bother with his legs began?

  2. Barb

    Wonder if he has a little basket at the front of his scooter so that he can't take his jar fetus out for a little father/son outing? (cue Andy Griffith whistling theme song)

  3. CliveWarren

    "I have discovered the amazing scooters, which Barbara accuses me of driving like I drive my boat."

    Nothing like setting your scooter afloat and taking on the high seas…

      1. BarryOPotter

        And I, unfortunately, allowed the image of GHWB motor boating Barb to develop in my horrid, horrid little mind. Bad mind! Bad mind!

  4. SorosBot

    I would think seeing what his son has done to the country and his family name would make H. W. want to jump out of a plane.

  5. CliveWarren

    "I have a form of Parkinson’s disease, which I don’t like."

    Sure, you don't like it but I'm sure Rush will find it hillllllarious…

  6. arihaya

    Reagan got Alzheimer's, Papa Bush got Parkinson's, but Carter seems to be healthy, make me wonder why …

    1. OkieDokieDog

      Carter didn't sell his soul to the GOP Corporate Masters, he's told off the Southern Baptist Convention for being misogynists and… peanuts.

    2. glamourdammerung

      Kind of odd how neurological problems and conservatism seems to go hand in hand. One could almost see a pattern.

  7. Hatrabbit

    " I’m not sure about jumping. I announced I was going to jump when I turned 90. I have three more years to decide. My legs’ not working properly might be a deterrent."

    Jump. Seriously, just fucking jump.

  8. CapeClod

    Does his protection for life squad get scooters too? That must be the suckiest duty in the Secret Service.

    1. DustBowlBlues

      Seriously. Besides incredibly boring, can you imagine what it would be like to be expected to take a bullet for this old fart?

    2. rip1944

      Must be fascinating to watch mobility scooters with tinted windscreens, driving in 15mph convoys with blue and red flashing lights on top.

  9. EatsBabyDingos

    "I have a form of Parkinson’s disease, which I don’t like"

    Well, why didn't you order the form of Parkinson's disease that you did like? Buyer's remorse?

  10. freakishlywrong

    Aww..Babs will just tell him he was under privileged anyway so this will work out very well for him.

  11. Hatrabbit

    "My legs don’t move when my brain tells them to. "

    Are your limbs smarter than your brain? Check.

    Here's your scooter, Sir.

  12. Hatrabbit

    Seriously, I would have sympathy for the man if it wasn't for the fact that he fucked the entire country with his breeding habits.

  13. EatsBabyDingos

    So, you drive the scooter like your boat? What, you get one mile to the three gallons (of prune juice)?

    Well, at least you can afford it, thanks to voodoo economics.

  14. Gopherit

    Karma is a harsh mistress, 41. Ask the ghosts of those people killed by the death squads the CIA created in Central America under your watch.

  15. CliveWarren

    "Seriously, who's the better golfer: 41, 42 or 43?"

    "I am going with my son. He gave up golf while he was President, but his game has really come back. He's tearing up the courses in Texas."

    When I picture a great golfer he is definitely someone who tears up golf courses with his 9 iron – just cold running back and forth leaving huge unrepairable holes behind him. Wait, were we talking about golf?

  16. pinkocommi

    "My legs don’t move when my brain tells them to."

    Nothing works below your waist, huh? If only you had this problem 65 years ago before you and Barbara conceived W., you could have saved the rest of us a lot of problems.

  17. James Michael Curley

    Did Poppy Bush pay for that thing or have the gov'ment buy it with the loophole in Medicare Part D created by Dubya?

  18. JustPixelz

    If only there was some medical technique to help people with Parkinson's. Perhaps something involving stem cells. I can't think of a single reason that can't be done. OH WAIT! Nevermind.

    1. DemmeFatale

      Repeat after me: "human-animal hybrids."

      (Dubya dog whistling about stem cells in the SOU address.)

      1. DemmeFatale

        You can take away my p-ness, but you'll never take away my POST!!!!

        (But I'm glad I struck a nerve!)

      2. BaldarTFlagass

        To go on two legs is very hard. Perhaps four is better, anyway.

        Just for inflicting W on us, this cat deserves a long stay in the House of Pain.

  19. fuflans

    i actually find bush senior a little sad – with more than a whiff of greek tragedy about him.

    and come to think of it: hoverounds would be an exciting addition to sophacles.

    1. DahBoner

      "In Kitty Kelley's book The Family: The Real Story of the Bush Dynasty that New Yorker writer Brendan Gill was once a guest of George H.W. and Barbara Bush at their summer house in Kennebunkport, Maine. Stumbling through the place late at night in search of something to read, the only volume he could find was The Fart Book."

      If you iz sad, Poopy Bush tell you fart joke and cheerz you up!

  20. GOPCrusher

    I was going to make a totally tasteless post about how G. H. W. Bush with Parkinson's should jump from a plane, and hopefully the shakes will prevent him from being able to pull the rip cord leaving him screaming in terror as he crashes to Earth like a human lawn dart.
    But that wouldn't be civilized.

  21. hagajim

    I thought maybe he had come out of the closet and was riding I Lewis "Scooter" Libby….my bad.

    1. Hatrabbit

      They're not THAT fat. If you brush off all the cheeto dust they're about five pounds lighter than the scales would have you believe.

    2. SonofSpermcube

      they're mostly just fat and lazy, just like the unemployed who should just get a job already.

    1. RadioAfterbirther

      Don't leave it the sun with the windows closed, you could get charged with fetus endangerment.

    2. OkieDokieDog

      ha! Damn. I forgot about the cup holder. I saw a scooter ad on tv yesterday with the cup holder and a goody bag hanging off the side.

  22. carlgt1

    looking back, it seems Reagan and his satanic philosophical offspring are far crazier than GHW Bush. I mean, who'da thought back then that a a Machiavellian wimp like Bush Sr would have been preferable to the teabaggers of today? hell Nixon (what with the EPA & all) seems like a drooling liberal compared to these latter-day taints…

    1. doloras

      "The Democrats left three letters out of their platform – G.O.D."

      Poppy Bush at the 1992 GOP convention. Never forget, he's just as evil as his son, just smarter.

  23. DashboardBuddha

    C'mon George…you gotta jump! Gunning the scooter down the open ramp of a C-130 at 12,000 ft and parachuting down would be totally BAD ASS!

  24. DahBoner

    "That and poor diet/lack of exercise."

    Sounds like some of that Commie "personal responsibility" drivel.

    Every Bagger knows you trash out your body, and then bad-mouth "Medical Science" because they can't just invent a Magic Pill that cures you instantly…

  25. Rotundo_

    No side car for Babs, just a long saddle and a tee shirt emblazoned with "If You Can Read This- The Bitch Fell Off" on 41's back

  26. RavenRant

    He's riding Scooter? I guess it's hard finding gainful employment when you're a felon, even if your sentence was commuted.

  27. Negropolis

    Wait, so he has Parkinson's now? That is actually…unfortunate. No, really. Reagan he was not. He's his own special type of crappy. His son is a whole other level of unadulterated dangerous.

    Either way, Parkinson's is no fun, to say the least.

  28. BZ1

    HW: "So right now there are only five of us who understand what it means to be Commander in Chief.." not counting Lou Sarah, of course…

  29. sezme

    Legs not moving when your brain tells them to?
    You say "a form of Parkinson's" I say "tertiary syphillis". Let's call the whole thing off.

  30. NorthStarSpanx

    I have a form of Parkinson’s disease, which I don’t like. (Would he prefer a different form of Parkinsons?)

    My legs don’t move when my brain tells them to. It’s very frustrating. (Notice any big investments in stem cell research out of CT today?)

    But I am in no pain (guess we are supposed to celebrate that?), and I have discovered the amazing scooters, which Barbara accuses me of driving like I drive my boat (one could almost felt empathy for the man until he brought up the privilege of luxury yachting.)

    But they help me get around. I’m not sure about jumping. I announced I was going to jump when I turned 90. I have three more years to decide. My legs’ not working properly might be a deterrent. (You don't need your legs to fly George, you can just be pushed out, I'm sure lots of helpful Americans (or not) would gladly assist you.)

  31. randcoolcatdaddy

    "I have discovered the amazing scooters, which Barbara accuses me of driving like I drive my boat."

    Much the say way he discovered bar code readers in a supermarket during his Presidency…

Comments are closed.