road prayer warriors

Pickup Truck Warns of Impending ‘Muslim Attack’

Mo' truck mo' problemsWHY WON’T AMERICA LISTEN TO THE PICKUP TRUCKS? Our nation’s pickup trucks are always alerting citizens to new threats, but nobody seems to listen, even though we do our part to bring them to the people. Things are getting so bad that it’s no longer enough to post messages on your truck; you now have to attach giant signs to let people know about the apocalypse that will be precipitated by Muslims overthrowing their dictators. It may be confusing that the same pickup trucks that were once proclaiming terrorists hate freedom are now afraid that “terrorists” want freedom, but, uh… hey, look at that Simba stuffed animal sitting up there. That’s pretty cool.

This is from new Islamophobe world headquarters Orange County, of course:

Keep on truck-hatin'

How does one “harden” a bomb shelter, anyway? Like, build yet another wall around everything? Or is this truck referring to the Pokemon move “Harden”?

And why does Simba hate Muslims? Was Scar Muslim? [thanks to Wonkette operative "Jim C."]

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About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef

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160 comments

  1. Doktor Zoom

    Nah, I don't imagine he gets very good mileage with that sucker stickin' up back there.

    1. DashboardBuddha

      LOLOLOL…like he can make a connection between bad gas mileage and propping up the very people he hates.

      1. HELisforHEL

        That's the heart of it. Funny how nearly all the truly idiotic notices like this are attached to gas-sucking pigmobiles. Dopes.OR ARE THEY DOWNRIGHT STUPID?!1!1!?2

      2. SheriffRoscoe

        If only we would listen to conservatives and fuck-up the environment a little bit, and DRILL HERE, DRILL NOW, we could all be driving large, heavy trucks with billboards adhered to the tailgate in a non-aerodynamic fashion. QED.

    2. AJW@[redacted]

      Plus, in California you pay dearly to register a pickemup truck, being a commercial vehicle and all. That's how you know he's serious!

  2. DashboardBuddha

    Armageddon tired of this crap. 5/21 is starting to get a Christmas feel. Only x days 'til Jesus returns.

    Mark your calendars!

    1. Ruhe

      I'll be dressing up as the Grinch for that and cupping a hand to my ear. "All the believers down in Jeebus-ville will weep boo-hoo when santy doesn't come to rapture them away."
      "Ah" said the Grinch "that is a sound I simply must hear!"

    2. JustPixelz

      Waaay ahead of you. I stopped taking my anti-psychotic meds, am eating fried cheese fries for every meal, and just told my boss what I REALLY think — with a sign on my pickup truck of course.

    1. AJW@[redacted]

      There's a Prius in my town with "Glenn Beck is my Educator" scrawled across the back in tempera paint. I never have my camera ready when I see it.

    2. _DA

      Sadly (or not, depending on how you approach this), the Prius is very mainstream these days. They said on the radio the other day it's been ten years since it came out.

      I've seen Prii with plenty of fun bumperstickers on them. Granted, the really insane stuff is usually reserved for pickups, rusted-out 1990s Chrysler minivans, or the constant stream of 2003 Buick Grandmamobiles I see on the roads here, but I don't think anyone really sees the Prius as a treehugger car anymore.

    1. themcwow

      I am sure I've seen this vehicle in the Ralph's parking lot, huge boom box blaring "Proud to Be an American," and the Huntington Beach police are afraid to approach or agree with this expression of freedom.

    2. evanm42

      Definitely not street legal. But, are you gonna be the cop to stop him and issue a ticket? Just imagine how many guns and/or body parts there are in that truck

  3. Texan_Bulldog

    Really, all that angst over what's going on in Israel? I find it hard to believe he could even find Israel on a map. Frankly, I think his fellow bubbas are more upset about the nigra in the White House.

    Also, where's the gun rack?

    1. V572..whatever

      Israelis are hardening their bomb shelters for the same reason we're building more fighters and warships: because it's good business for defense contractors. Civil engineers need government contracts too, you know.

  4. charlesdegoal

    Tolerant and politically correct is not necessarily incompatible with stupid. Actually, I can't think of many attributes that are incompatible with stupid.
    Still, I liked it better when trucks just said PASS / DIE.

  5. mull_man

    When are our mental health institutions going to show patients how to work the "caps lock" key?

  6. Mkloz

    Hakuna matata means DEATH TO INFIDELS in some languages (or so I've heard on the Talk Radios).

  7. fartknocker

    His spelling is relatively good. It's nice to see the goofy bastard found Microsoft Works on his Walmart P.C.

  8. __kth__

    Israel could indeed harden their oddly-unhardened bomb shelters to fend off the Muslim hordes, but wouldn't it be easier for them to use some of the hundreds of nukes they've amassed?

  9. ablington

    Jack, I'm sure Glenn Beck hawks a product specifically for hardening bomb shelters. I wouldn't worry about it.

  10. EatsBabyDingos

    "Harden" refers to "Harden & Weaver," who were ancient sages in the land of "radio" on a giant of a station known as "WMAL" in the land of bad pun jokes. Like the giant salt monster that kicked the nomadic Trids down the hill when the Trids went looking for salt. One day a rabbi went up a hill to watch the kicking, but he was unaccosted by the salt monster. The rabbi asked why only the Trids got kicked down the hill, and the salt monster replied "Silly rabbi, kicks are for Trids."

    So, obviously, Isreal is looking for more Trids.

  11. DaRooster

    Harden bomb shelters??
    Do you mean give them a bunch of guns, like John Wesley Hardin? (You spelled it wrong) He was definitely a gun proponent… he probably had an NRA sticker on his horse.

    1. __kth__

      iir my late-night Time-Life commercials c, Hardin was the one who was so mean he once shot a man for snoring. So I'm pretty sure this guy's terminal fatass sleep apnea would really send Hardin around the bend.

  12. SmutBoffin

    That truck actually gets great gas mileage, since it partially runs on chaw spit and composted Arby's containers.

  13. prommie

    Thats a "lyin' African" up there; or is it an African Lion? I get so confused. This just gives "trucknuts" a whole new meaning, doesn't it? This guy's head got asploded real bad by the election of the near president.

  14. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Wow!

    Liberal Media Fools Celebrate "Democracy"

    Israel Harden Bomb Shelters Coming Attacks!!!

    Downright Stupid?!!!

    So, taking the message behind the message, the person is anti-democracy, and believes that Israel is about to attack us, right?

  15. SorosBot

    Hey, the mere fact that you are driving a pickup truck already advertises the fact that you are an stupid ignorant redneck with a tiny penis (well, that or a contractor; but the NRA sticker already clears that up), you don't need to go out of your way to advertise that.

  16. whiskeybaby

    Wait, how does he know about the "coming Muslim attacks" anyway? He must be a Muslim plant. BURN HIM!!

    1. DahBoner

      I think he's confused and really means "Mu$lims", a new brand of beef jerkey.

      Yes, get ready for the coming attack of beef jerkey sticks…

  17. DaRooster

    At least this guy checks his grammar and spelling (or has someone do it for him). This is much better than that camper a few weeks back.

    1. SorosBot

      Even all his quotation marks were used correctly. This guy must be a parody; the good grammar is a dead giveaway.

    2. Wadisay

      Also, to his credit, he answered a question I've always had: how do you provide emphasis for key points when you are ALREADY USING CAPS AND BOLDFACE???!!! (Answer: underscore and red)

  18. ttommyunger

    This might cause a few heads to turn in some parts of the Country. Here in Georgia we would refer to this as a "Pick Up Truck", nothing more.

    1. tessiee

      In NC, calling it a "pickup truck" was a dead giveaway that you wuz a NPR-watchin out of stater. The locals never called that kind of vehicle anything but a "truck".

  19. CapnFatback

    Well, he's got a point. If Israel wants attacks of coming, their "bomb shelters" better be hard.

  20. weejee

    Should be noted the inverse proportionality rule. The height that a pick-up truck is jacked-up is inversely proportional to the owner's p-ness. So a fellah with a big pick-me-up that you need a ladder to get in is more likely to be packin' a Derringer rather than a Buntline Special.

  21. Eve8Apples

    Wouldn't it be much simpler to buy a bumper sticker that reads

    "I H8 BROWN PEOPLE!!!!!"

    1. ThundercatHo

      His vanity plate should read: IH8BO, wait , no that can't be right. I know: IH8NGAS, there.

  22. CliveWarren

    I'd love to disagree with this car but I have to tell you, that nothing makes my bomb shelters harden like cumming muslims. As a matter of fact, I think my hatch is about to blow right now…

  23. SayItWithWookies

    "We must continue oppressing the Muslims — because if we stopped, they would rise up against us for oppressing them for so long." Didn't Robespierre say basically the same thing?

  24. RodneyBadger

    How did he decide which words to make red and which to make black? Is this some sort of mobile wingnut madlib?

    1. RodneyBadger

      My coworker and I just played and this is what we came up with:

      "Zoinks! While the smelly tree and other sandwhiches jump the triumph of dressers, for the Muslim Brotherhood and terrorists in Egypt and all Muslim Countries . . . Myanmar is forced to run bucket toothbrushes for the crying muslim go-carts."

      BRB, gotta make a sign.

  25. Noisette76

    Wow- so subtle! The OC is not generally known for nuanced attempts at allusion- viz, Obama's head on a chimp, watermelons growing on WH lawn, etc. You gotta give this guy props for thinking the thing through.

    1. DaRooster

      He hates it when he has to explain… every… thing… to… his… friends…
      He's thinkin' about just switchin' sides 'cuz them mother fuckers are too damn stoopid.

    1. ThundercatHo

      Just the foreign Jews, not the NYC Jews with their fake salsa 'n unsweet donuts 'n such.

  26. prommie

    I just went and read that insane rant again, and I have to ask, is this Krauthammer's truck? Or maybe Joe Lieberman? Seriously, it could be anyone who is in PNAC. I've heard way more insane shrieky warmongering from PNAC, in fact.

  27. comrad_darkness

    Armageddon? What happened to that Rapture that was supposed to get rid of these dipshits?

    1. Ruhe

      I think they're all a little agitated that maybe it already happened and they didn't make the cut.

      1. HELisforHEL

        Well that's not fair–the entire idiotic god-vacuum thing was their idea to begin with. We certainly don't want'em.

        HEY CLOUD GUY–YOU FORGOT SOMETHING

  28. RedneckMuslin

    He's got a bumper sticker saying to join the NRA. He should join the Israel Defense Force if he's that god damned concerned about Israel's freedumb.

    1. Ruhe

      He should take his truck and all his tools over there and harden the bunkers himself since the Israeli construction industry is too busy building illegal settlements to work on that.

    2. tessiee

      Please, he's a big fat chickenhawk who wouldn't last five minutes in a grade school playground's defense force, let alone a country's.

  29. Hatrabbit

    It's in the Bible you Godless freaks. Just read the Book Of Pickups 3:14:

    "And Yeah the prophet come to set them free bearing stuffed Disney toys, NRA Stickers and a bobble-head Sarah doll. And Lo, the crowds shall rejoice and chip in for Gas Monies and the 'Blessed People of the Scooters' shall prevail and the Thinky-Heads will perish in a sea of bile and diet coke."

  30. poorgradstudent

    The real question remains: why do Muslims keep assuming we hate them and don't just want to share Democracy with them (through Tomahawk missiles)?

  31. Eve8Apples

    If that's his bumper sticker, just imagine the size of the cross dangling from his rear view mirror.

  32. 4tehlulz_lite

    Some say that this is paranoid racism, others say this is perfectly understandable. Tonight on CNN, a random loser American hero from the OC explains his position.

  33. baconzgood

    I shit you not (and Baconz is full of shit….and whiskey)…I just had a client give me this same diatribe about this exact same thing at my desk for the last 3/4 hour. Hence Baconz delayed snark.

    P.S. 113 pee!

    1. fuflans

      congrats on 113 pee and i hope you dealt with client like you deal with other work related tools.

  34. Mumbletypeg

    He's a fake prophesier. NO ACTUAL SPELT-OUT BIBLE QUOTATIONS!!2!

    Dear craven cough-stain of dirtpiled inspiration, I'll wish you better luck with your rhyming sense than your logical challenges. Draw more fleas with honey than vinegar, say the seasoned street-preachers; procure some smooth-talkin' lessons from a psalmist at *least* but Lord above, give your audience something to live for: POETRY, SCRIPTUREZ, or GTFO.

    /You can take the Babel out of Babylon, arrange your letter-sounds best to fit ya;
    but you can't make the verbal diarrhea go back to where the good lord split ya.

  35. MaxUdargo

    If the internet hadn't been invented yet, then this guy would have just invented the blog, except it would be called the trog, because it's a truck log. And later, when the internet was invented, people would say that the blog was the internet version of the trog.

    So this guy is a fucking genius, he's just running a little late.

  36. DustBowlBlues

    Has anyone pointed out that if you have the bad luck of following this clown and are reading this thing, it's tantamout to driving while texting Tammy that you'll meet her in front of Earrings 'N' Things by the food court. It's a safety issue, especially for people who agree with the truck driver and, being semi-literate, have to work harder, moving their lips, etc. to make out the words.

    PS I'm tired of the tornado. The southeast is welcome to our weather. But they're going to need better 'fraidy holes. (storm shelters).

    1. prommie

      "Fraidy Hole," I love that. Thats what we should have been calling Dick Cheney's "secure undisclosed location" all those years.

    2. MissusBarry

      Do you harden a 'fraidy hole to make it a better 'fraidy hole? Regardless, I'd prefer spending time in a soft 'fraidy hole to setting foot in an Earrings 'N' Things.

  37. ArmoredBore

    I've seen this guy before, I think. This photo doesn't show all the teddy bears and faux cannon on the roof.

    As if I didn't like trucks enough already. This behemoth is an affront to civil discourse and aerodynamics.

  38. Worthly[♬♪♬♪♫♪♬]Skum

    I agree with him on two points:
    1) many Americans are downright stupid;
    2) wow.

  39. genxr

    If he insists on blocking rear visibility he should at least get his left reverse light fixed.

  40. DaRooster

    FUCK!
    I can't even see the "GIT R DUN" sticker in the front… I don't care who you are thats funny right there… heh heh heh…!

  41. CookiE_MonstA

    Dear God, since you seem to be doing the whole end times with the wrath and everything all along the Bible Belt, would you please rapture the fundie twits off of this planet as soon as possible? The rest of us would like to get back some sense of sanity. Thank you.

  42. James Michael Curley

    I hope "Wonkette Operative Jim C" survived. That sole, right side rear light assembly shows he is backing up.

  43. mumbly_joe

    I just want to pause here to note that that's at least the second time that Jack has referenced Pokemon, and referenced in such a way that it's clear he has a fairly detailed knowledge of the card/video game franchise.

  44. Chet Kincaid

    I appreciate the shout-out to my old doo-wop group from the early 60s, "The Shades Of Armageddon", though. We had a pair of Ray-Bans as our logo. We were colored, also.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      My understanding is that Frank Zappa found much inspiration in the doo-wop groups of the 1950s and early 1960s, so my thanks to you, Chet, for your contribution to the "rock and roll" pantheon.

  45. iburl

    "I'M NO FAN OF HITLER, THE KKK, ETC. BUT -"

    Also you can "Harden" a bomb shelter by reading it Warren G. Harding's poetry.

  46. Poindexter718

    To be sure our challenges in the middle east have nothing to do with geezes driving around in geopolitically pimped-out 1/2-ton gas guzzlers with all the aerodynamic efficiency of Haley Barbour in cycling shorts.

  47. mavenmaven

    The only reason these right wingers keep referencing Israel (as they tend not to like Jews) is that they think the "international zionist elders" will help them out, like the Koch Bros, if they keep pretending to be on their side…

  48. Not_So_Much

    How does one “harden” a bomb shelter, anyway?

    I'm not sure, but I'll bet an X-ray of this proud patriot's skull will provide clues.

  49. ThundercatHo

    As my dear mother would say, "Just get rid of all these assholes and that will be present enough. Because, really, it's the thought that counts."
    Actually, she would just say the last part which is really secret mother guilt code for, "My present better be really good"

  50. Callyson

    I would love to go up to this person and politely ask "Has it not occured to you that the repressive Arab regimes whose downfall you believe will lead to Armegeddon are the reason for the appeal of Islamic fundamentalist governments in the first place?"
    It would be fun to watch that person's head explode…

  51. Callyson

    "Ohana means family – family means no one gets left behind"
    Commie pinkos…plus, you know, Hawaii is not really in the United States…

  52. [redacted]hse

    If this dickhead would drive under some low hanging high voltage wires it would make my day.

  53. ganmerlad

    I am so freaked out by my own country's politics right now that I don't have much time for all this chit chat, but you "harden" a shelter by setting it on fire and peeing on it to put it out. … the longer I take to explain it, the less time I have to harden a shelter for myself.

  54. Negropolis

    This is the best place to receive political commentary, from a tacky sign board in the back up a hillbilly or redneck's pick-up.

    I see the Okie sheen still hasn't worn off the kkklassy Teh OC.

  55. Redhead

    See, if truck drivers were armed, they could defend us from the coming Muslim attack.

    And if ALL truck drivers were armed, ALWAYS, they could defend us from truck drivers like this when they completely lose their marbles.

  56. SonofSpermcube

    Am I just imagining that there has been over the years a pattern of conservatives making fun of Volvos and Subarus plastered with liberal bumper stickers?

  57. Doktor Zoom

    Political Correctness = "Thinking the sandniggers deserve anything other than cleansing nuclear fire. Or objecting to calling them sandniggers.*"

    *Camel Jockeys and Ragheads are acceptable if you're talking to The Blacks.

  58. BaldarTFlagass

    "Dune Coon" is a bit of a gray area, Dok. Where would you come down on using that particular sobriquet when discussing Arabs with an African-American acquaintance?

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