now we know what those dogs were thinking

Tennessee Legislature Making It Illegal To Mention To Kids Gay People Exist

Yes, this 'Stacey' legislator is a guy. And yet he can't empathize with trans people.On Monday, Tennessee’s state House passed a bill to ban local laws that protect gay citizens from discrimination after the cesspool that is Nashville decided it would start considering gay people human beings of all things. (GAYS ARE A TYPE OF PLANT LIFE, NASHVILLE.) This is a fairly proactive approach to quelling equality before it becomes an epidemic in the South, but the Tennessee state Senate may have done one better: It passed a law that would make it illegal for teachers below the high school level to acknowledge that anybody in the world is anything but 100% hetero. Did you hear that, gay Tennessee children? The government of your state says you don’t exist and wants to make sure that if you think you are gay, you also think you are the only gay person in the world! That should be good for your emotional health.

The bill supporters, including sponsor Sen. Stacey Campfield, a Republican from Knoxville who unsuccessfully pushed the same bill in the House for six years before being elected to the Senate, say the bill is “neutral” and simply leaves it up to families to decide when it is an appropriate time to talk to their kids about sexuality.

It’s very neutral! Schoolteachers will teach children that every adult in the world has a spouse of the opposite sex or will eventually get one, imply that every important dude in history and culture loved sticking their dicks into ladies, and then if children just happen to start to think what is being presented to them by their teacher isn’t entirely factual, they can ask their parents and hope they know/will tell them the truth.

And then nobody will ever be gay in Tennessee again, the end.

Our schools already lie to children about Santa Claus and other things, so why let in the Enlightenment and start trying to build trust with students now? As they always taught us in school, “Lying is the best policy.”

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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209 comments

  1. nounverb911

    "And then nobody will ever be gay in Tennessee again, the end."
    Since no one can be gay, can we at least be happy?

    1. Sparky_McGruff

      I don't know about happy, but you can start drinking. A few tequila sunrises (or swigs from the backwash-filled jug of moonshine) and you probably won't care about much for the rest of the day.

        1. Sparky_McGruff

          I'll leave the fancy drinks for the fancy people. When I read the news these days, I lean more towards drinking brake fluid straight from the can.

    2. mourningnmerica

      When you say "…the end…" that has possible homosexual implications. Please be careful about that. You may have just violated Tennessee law. I would hate to have to turn you in.

  2. dr_giraud

    "Our schools already lie to children about Santa Claus and other things . . ." like American history, so why shouldn't lying legislators legislate lying?

      1. Limeylizzie

        How about when I was really good friends with this woman who looked like kc lang, and we would do everything together and then she put the moves on me in a car after a party when I was drunk?

    1. SorosBot

      And what about straight women making out with each other to arouse straight guys around them, or doing "lesbian" porn? Can we at least mention that? 'Cause that's hot.

  3. finallyhappy

    Alright, force TN to secede and have the gays,blacks and dems move up here to rational land.

  4. elviouslyqueer

    Rumor has it that Stacey Campfield himself has a hard time saying "gay," but mostly because his mouth is always filled with cock.

    1. snicker snack

      God damnit I'm trying to pretend to work here which is really hard when I'm laughing this loud.

    2. ttommyunger

      Yeah, that pix is just a little disturbing to an old reformed homophobe like me. I get the distinct (and I do mean stinked) impression Stacey would hold one between his teeth 'till the swelling went down.

  5. Sophist [غني عن ذلك]

    Tennessee Legislature Making It Illegal To Mention To Kids Gay People Exist

    …and no republican politician was ever mentioned again.

  6. nounverb911

    "say the bill is “neutral” and simply leaves it up to families to decide when it is an appropriate time to talk to their kids about sexuality. "
    Just like Palin did with Bristol.

    1. Beowoof

      That dumb bitch needs to take a cruise through the trailer park before she starts that shit.

    2. Swampgas_Man

      Long ago when I lived there, OK also had a long prohibiting mention of Teh Gay in schools. I think it was declared unconstitutional, but that doesn't stop these fools trying.

  7. BaldarTFlagass

    "Sen. Stacey Campfield, a Republican"

    Do they really even need to mention this anymore, when reporting these hyperdumbfuck legislation proposals?

    1. Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Did they add a stoning provision for anyone that mentions the ghayez? If not, they are doing a half ass job.

    1. HELisforHEL

      "Lady Bits" or "privates". Them's where yer pretty little babies comes from when you start spittin' them out at 13, like yer spose'to.

      Fuckin' hillbillies.

    2. DaRooster

      Not clearly… comes out "You Taurus"… which brings us to the "Its now illegal to talk about Astrology".

  8. JustPixelz

    How lucky for Tennessee that all their other problems are solved so they can finally focus on this!

    And by giving parents the opportunity to explain sex to their children in their own special way ("open wide while daddy shows you where the penis goes") this will be a great step toward reducing teen pregnancy in the state.

  9. SayItWithWookies

    Because as any parent knows, the best way to get kids not to think about something is to expressly prohibit it. The obedient little tykes just go merrily along with their lives, never bringing up the subject again.

    1. loulouroo

      Sounds like he's trying to compete with our own John LaBruzo here in Louisiana as the stinkiest of the assclowns. LaBruzzo constantly wastes legislative time trying to get poor women sterilized, welfare recipients drug tested, and most recently, ALL abortion illegal, no exceptions, up to the point of prosecuting doctor AND mother for infanticide. No, they will not shut up anytime soon.

    2. Ducksworthy

      Ooh Ooh Here it is.Its the opportunity of a lifetime. I'm going to get a state contract to supply my patented Dr. Duckswothy's Teeny Tiny Coffins which come with a 500X lens so the mourners can see the deceased.

  10. MildMidwesterner

    "GAYS ARE A TYPE OF PLANT LIFE, NASHVILLE"

    If they are alive, then they aren't a vegetable. Must be a…. oh, I don't know….

  11. CapeClod

    Why are they spending time on making the gays disappear when there are still unions to destroy?

  12. Eve8Apples

    Wait 'til Judy Garland – aka Dorothy – hears about this. She'll be whipping up a big batch of tornadoes for Tennessee. Nobody puts her gays in the corner!

  13. Dudleydidwrong

    No offense to real human people named Stacey, but I'd say his parents had some questions about this dipshit's sexual orientation at birth. Premonition of a big gender mixup? Well, it happened, just after his brains were scrambled by wearing that colander on his head every day. Tennessee: where nuclear waste belongs.

      1. AJW@[redacted]

        Some of my closest neighbors are nuclear waste! (True, Yucca Mountain is just over yonder).

    1. SorosBot

      Haley, Stacey, Lindsay; why is it so many Southern parents give their boy children girls' names?

  14. HateMachine

    I'm interested in the "below the high school level" part. So once these kids get into the 9th grade, homosexuality as a concept will just sort of spontaneously come into being?

    That would be, um, interesting?

    1. Failure_Artist

      At high school, teachers can go hog wild with the gay indoctrination! Live fisting demonstrations in every classroom!

    2. Biel_ze_Bubba

      "Below high school level", eh? In Tennesee, that means a lot of kids will NEVER get the word.

  15. CapeClod

    I have a friend who is in the music business there. They call it Nash Vegas, glittery and shallow.

      1. AJW@[redacted]

        You know you can see the Statue of Liberty in New York, right? Obama was right, Las Vegas is a shithole.

          1. AJW@[redacted]

            No, I don't gamble at all. Don't drink, either. Only time I go to casinos is to eat, hard to beat $9 prime rib.The only time I spent a night in a Vegas casino was at the Hard Rock Hotel, and I must say it was enjoyable. Big room, nice pool, and lots of youthful energy. I was 20 years younger then…

      1. Texan_Bulldog

        That categorical denial settles it for me then; just like Barry's long form birth certificate settles it for the crazy birthers.

      2. SorosBot

        Today, we were all briefly married to Rene Zellweger until she found out we were actually involved with Payton Manning and just wanted her as beard.

  16. weejee

    OT

    Since the tag-team at IHOP post shows that silly is clearly on the Wonkette menu this morning, Wired has a piece on C'Addle's beloved Archie McPhee's. So if yer running short on handerpants, a barrel full of owls, or Nunzillia (my fav from my rapped knuckles days), you should take a look.

  17. CapnFatback

    Also tabled until high school in the bill: races other than white, religions other than Christianity, and pizza other than Papa John's.

  18. Failure_Artist

    So what happens if a kid has gay parents? Is the teacher not allowed to acknowledge them? Does that mean that little Heather gets out of showing her report card to her moms?

    1. Buckminster

      Oh, pish! Didn't you see Pat Robertson's rationale about abortion? Teh Gheys can't make babies.

  19. phlox✔

    This was so much easier to accomplish in the 60s-70s when everyone and their sister weren't coming out of the closet publicly and on their own terms.

    "Teacher, how can Neil Patrick Harris have twin babies when he's not married? And who is that man he's kissing in this picture?"
    "Jimmy, ask your dad that question while he's watching How I Met Your Mother"

  20. chicken_thief

    Shockingly, the same people who believe Obama is a muzlin kenyan believe that that motherfucker is straight.

  21. Boojum_Reborn

    No gays. Pi = 3. Age of consent is 13. Death certificates for sperm.

    Sounds like jobs are their first priority.

  22. Nopantsmcgee

    Tennessee passes pro-discrimination laws, then tornados rip thru the South. God hates discrimination against gays.

    At least that's how I learned how God works from Pat Robertson.

  23. AngryGeometer

    I wonder if Rudy Gay's going to find it hard to play for the Memphis Grizzlies after this.

    1. HateMachine

      Oh god, the Commercial Appeal editors would cry forever if Rudy Gay weren't available for headlines anymore. It's the lowest-hanging fruit possible when it comes to headline puns.

      1. AngryGeometer

        There's a lot more to being a Memphis Grizzly than being good at basketball: bourré, holding jamon-eating contests between Marc Gasol and Zach Randolph, giving Grievis Vasquez swirlies, preventing OJ Mayo from cutting a bitch, etc. Just because he's fairly useless as a player doesn't mean he isn't helping his team win.

  24. Geminisunmars

    THIS JUST IN: An armed army of leprous armadillos has been spotted crossing the border into Tennessee.

    1. tribbzthesquidz

      Actually, the Lord got a few solid blows in last night. 33 dead in TN. Massive damage. Sweet Home Al-Bhama got it a lot worse. They must have moar ghey.

  25. widestanceroman

    Being of a certain age, I recall not one word about gay being spoken or acknowledged in school (save bullies), and that did nothing to stop me from growing up to be a happy, reasonably well-adjusted man who thinks cock-gobbling is just the best thing since sliced bread.

    Please, Staci, explain how this happened.

  26. donner_froh

    Get rid of all the state legislatures. These fuckers must roll out of bed in the morning and just pass a law about the first thing they think of.

    States should just keep the roads repaired and the garbage picked up.

  27. ttommyunger

    This competition for "America's Most Totally Fucked State Legislature" has got to stop somewhere; every time I think we have a winner some local fucktard pulls one out of his/her ass which totally trumps (yes, pun intended Godammit) the one before. I'm just waiting for one of them to fall in the shower and introduce a repeal of the Law of Gravity.

  28. proudgrampa

    Sen. Stacey Campfield.

    "Stacey???" How gay is that?

    To paraphrase Mr. Takei, they are ALL douchebags.

  29. Doktor Zoom

    How about a restriction that's TRULY equal–no mention of anything related to sex, gender, or relationships, homosexual or heterosexual? Anyone mentioning their spouse, boyfriend, girlfriend, or marriage, romance, kissing, or having children would be subject to a fine. I don't mind what straight people do in their bedrooms, but do they have to flaunt the fact of their heterosexuality in front of impressionable children?

    I don't want my kid exposed to filth like "Heather Has a Mommy And a Daddy."

  30. HateMachine

    Oh, and here I thought that gym class was about desperately attempting to assert your dominance over the other boys with protestations of "no homo!"

  31. prommie

    Tennessee just wants to stick true to the traditions of the pioneers. When it comes to preversions, they don't want no truck with this newfangled homo-sekshul stuff, no sir. They are gonna stick with good old fashioned god-fearing incest. It was good enough for their grandparents, dad-gummit.

    1. tessiee

      "good old fashioned god-fearing incest. It was good enough for their grandparents, dad-gummit. "

      Yeah, both of them.

  32. loulouroo

    Actually, it sounds like this was in rebuttal to Nashville passing an anti-discrimination law. Did I read that right? So, don't bag on Nashville. I'm not a fan, but it sounds like it may be the sanest place in the state.

    1. Fare la Volpe

      We really are. We're one of the few cities in the state that has anti-discrimination policies, and as far as I know the only city where our Mayoral candidates have used civil rights for gays as a positive campaign issue.

      Nashville is a great city, but dear God does it need to move out of this state.

  33. KnaveOfDiamond

    Why knock this great legislation? We're all pragmatists, here, and this sort of law worked quite well in Iran. Just ask Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

    (Also, this is a fine way to retroactively prevent the holocaust.)

  34. mumbly_joe

    Once again, a clear example about how conservatism is all about local control. I mean except when it gets in the way of bigotry or literally signing cities over to political cronies.

    Anyway, who here recalls what grade they were in at the precise moment that a "gay", or some anti-gay slur, became the pejorative du jour amongst your peers? My recollection is that it came into style in 5th grade, and had largely lost steam by high school. What I'm getting at is,

    The bill supporters [..] say the bill is “neutral” and simply leaves it up to families' childrens' peers to decide when it is an appropriate time to talk to their kids about sexuality.

    fix'd. This isn't about making sure "families" teach their kids about sexuality, it's about trying to ensure that kids' first exposure to the notion of non-hetero-sexuality comes in the form of either a condemnation or a slur.

  35. OneDollarJuana

    I proposed a companion bill in the State of Washington, to wit, "Special Access to Discriminate Against Tennessee Act", in which it shall be illegal to mention the existence of the State of Tennessee to any child under the age of eighteen.

    1. Negropolis

      WIN

      We already have a similar act here in Michigan with Indiana in mind. Indiana, as far as we're concerned, is that bass-ackwards place between Kalamazoo and Chicago.

  36. obfuscator2

    i assume the law contains a loophole allowing the mention of homosexuals as long as they are referred to as either "faggots" or "dykes". otherwise, where would the children of tennefuckee learn to hate gays? oh wait they'll still be able to learn from their parents and their coaches and pastors and well, from pretty much everyone.

  37. hagajim

    Has anyone in Tennessee proposed a law to ban Glee from the TEEVEE yet? How them parnts gonna splain to li'l Ellie that Billy and Johnny are just friends anwayz.

  38. BlueStateLibel

    Nice to see the Repubs are taking magical thinking to new heights–if they pretend hard enough not to see birth certificates or gays, guess what? Those things just won't exist anymore! It worked so well for the south in the Civil War, why shouldn't it work for the Repubs now?

  39. mavenmaven

    I think Campy's own comment suggests he's been watching gay porn:
    "It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out what's coming," Campfield said.
    (from his own mentally ill site, beyond belief what goes on in that person's head) http://lastcar.blogspot.com/

  40. poorgradstudent

    We Wonketteers need to set up a racket to bet on how Stacey Campbell will inevitably be outed by the media. There are so many options! Will it be plain-old cheating on his wife with a guy, will it be hiring a rentboy over Craigslist, will it be sleeping with the male grad student he leases a basement apartment out to, or will it be sex with a transvestite or transsexual prostitute?

    1. elviouslyqueer

      Um, not married. Also, marginally employed, speciously educated, and ostensibly Christian. Which means, of course, that he'll be caught diddling a male member of Young Life in his church's basement.

      1. Negropolis

        Single, Young Republican, Christian male and in real estate? My, my, my; so many options,so little time.

  41. natoslug

    If they remember to hold it, I'll be sure to post pictures. The school is very artistic, which apparently is antithetical to being organized. Somehow they manage to get things done, but it's like watching a herd of cats. When it comes to grading, they use a sort of UCSC version of grades, so rather than A/B/C, it's an essay grade. So what I'm saying is that robot ninja pirate day may end up being plankton awareness day or dental floss beanie baby day by the time it rolls 'round.

  42. thefrontpage

    Every single person in the Tennessee State Legislature is a gay person–everyone knows this. And after Legislative daytime sessions, they all go to a vast dungeon beneath the State Capitol for more "sessions" that involve various devices found at Comfort Zone.

  43. pacifistgunman

    Will Tardy Teabaggers make up their minds: government in our lives or out? C'mon Baggers, which is it?

  44. comrad_darkness

    News flash, Stacey, the gay fifth graders dealing with way to much in their young lives already are not the reason you aren't getting any.

  45. Mort_Sinclair

    Have I said yet today that I hate this fucking nation, that the people who live here are sexually obsessed cretins who embarrass the living shit out of me?

  46. Fare la Volpe

    I sent him an Aneros as a campaign donation. I know it'll be put to good use tonight.

  47. tessiee

    So, Senator Campfield wants to outlaw the very *mention* of homosexuality?
    Why would he want to do that?
    It almost seems as though he's REPRESSING something… or desperately trying to OVERCOMPENSATE for something…
    I wonder what it could be?

  48. scorpsav

    Its time to start dusting for stacey's knee prints at the public mensrooms. btw, stacey, what a lovely girls name. This guys has serious gay face.

  49. tribbzthesquidz

    Since when do parents discuss sex with their kids? They just want to insure that NO ONE will discuss sexuality anywhere, ever. Actual working knowledge of your body and desires takes all the romance, all the mystery away.

  50. Negropolis

    Apparently, if you just ignore gays, they simply don't exist. Well, that's how it works in Iran, anyway.

  51. tribbzthesquidz

    I would just like to say that it was quite a storm to behold last night here in good ol' Knox Vegas. Otherworldly even. I'm not going to go into all the "Storm Stories" details but will say I think I know whose fault this is now Stacey Campfield.

  52. dcjdjay

    That Republican has gay face.

    I really hate the South and all the crap it stands for. They're like Saudi Arabia without the burkhas covering their fat, ugly, stupid people.

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