On Monday, Tennessee’s state House passed a bill to ban local laws that protect gay citizens from discrimination after the cesspool that is Nashville decided it would start considering gay people human beings of all things. (GAYS ARE A TYPE OF PLANT LIFE, NASHVILLE.) This is a fairly proactive approach to quelling equality before it becomes an epidemic in the South, but the Tennessee state Senate may have done one better: It passed a law that would make it illegal for teachers below the high school level to acknowledge that anybody in the world is anything but 100% hetero. Did you hear that, gay Tennessee children? The government of your state says you don’t exist and wants to make sure that if you think you are gay, you also think you are the only gay person in the world! That should be good for your emotional health.
The bill supporters, including sponsor Sen. Stacey Campfield, a Republican from Knoxville who unsuccessfully pushed the same bill in the House for six years before being elected to the Senate, say the bill is “neutral” and simply leaves it up to families to decide when it is an appropriate time to talk to their kids about sexuality.
It’s very neutral! Schoolteachers will teach children that every adult in the world has a spouse of the opposite sex or will eventually get one, imply that every important dude in history and culture loved sticking their dicks into ladies, and then if children just happen to start to think what is being presented to them by their teacher isn’t entirely factual, they can ask their parents and hope they know/will tell them the truth.
And then nobody will ever be gay in Tennessee again, the end.
Our schools already lie to children about Santa Claus and other things, so why let in the Enlightenment and start trying to build trust with students now? As they always taught us in school, “Lying is the best policy.”
We think those dogs would do a better job running this state. VIVA LA REVOLUCION DE PERRO! [Memphis Flyer/TIME]
{ 209 comments }
Clown vs. Board of Education?
Ha. Imagine Clarence Thomas voting for something like that today.
"And then nobody will ever be gay in Tennessee again, the end."
Since no one can be gay, can we at least be happy?
I don't know about happy, but you can start drinking. A few tequila sunrises (or swigs from the backwash-filled jug of moonshine) and you probably won't care about much for the rest of the day.
Surely you mean Cosmopolitans.
I'll leave the fancy drinks for the fancy people. When I read the news these days, I lean more towards drinking brake fluid straight from the can.
You can be heterosexually festive.
When you say "…the end…" that has possible homosexual implications. Please be careful about that. You may have just violated Tennessee law. I would hate to have to turn you in.
"Our schools already lie to children about Santa Claus and other things . . ." like American history, so why shouldn't lying legislators legislate lying?
Remember the Maine!
I loved Stacey Campfield in her Dragapella number "Proud Marys."
What about that "experiment" in college? Can we mention that?
LUGS! (Lesbian until graduation)
How about when I was really good friends with this woman who looked like kc lang, and we would do everything together and then she put the moves on me in a car after a party when I was drunk?
Since she's KD Lang, I think you're safe. Circumstantial at best.
Christ I nearly outed her, her name was KC something.
As long as you never played softball with her, you're safe.
Lesbians have the softest balls…
And what about straight women making out with each other to arouse straight guys around them, or doing "lesbian" porn? Can we at least mention that? 'Cause that's hot.
It makes sense: closeted Republicans forcing everyone else to stay in the closet.
Maybe they're looking to keep the local rest stops active for themselves.
"Jesus was born because Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny kissed."
Is that where the expression "Breeding like rabbits" came from?
Wasn't he hatched from a colorful egg?
Alright, force TN to secede and have the gays,blacks and dems move up here to rational land.
Where, exactly, is the border for rational land? I've been looking…
Kentucky?
Rumor has it that Stacey Campfield himself has a hard time saying "gay," but mostly because his mouth is always filled with cock.
However, just to clarify, not MY cock. Well, at least not in the last 72 hours.
God damnit I'm trying to pretend to work here which is really hard when I'm laughing this loud.
There is no try, only do. Pretend harder!
Yeah, that pix is just a little disturbing to an old reformed homophobe like me. I get the distinct (and I do mean stinked) impression Stacey would hold one between his teeth 'till the swelling went down.
Shouldn't that be cocks, plural?
That's a three-dick mouth if I ever saw one.
Tennessee Legislature Making It Illegal To Mention To Kids Gay People Exist
…and no republican politician was ever mentioned again.
Any bets that Senator Stacey likes ham biscuits, too?
No no. Stacey much prefers sausage.
"say the bill is “neutral” and simply leaves it up to families to decide when it is an appropriate time to talk to their kids about sexuality. "
Just like Palin did with Bristol.
It's just not appropriate to talk to your kids about sexuality until the third trimester.
"I might be gay."
"Well, why didn't this occur to you before you knocked her up?"
So what. In Oklahoma, black people don't work because they're lazy. The law says so. Pfffft.
http://tpmdc.talkingpointsmemo.com/2011/04/ok-gop…
Little Sally workin' hard for the Okies. White Christian Okies only.
You know what? George Takei has her number, too.
That dumb bitch needs to take a cruise through the trailer park before she starts that shit.
That's her constituency.
Long ago when I lived there, OK also had a long prohibiting mention of Teh Gay in schools. I think it was declared unconstitutional, but that doesn't stop these fools trying.
But the rampant (probably) fucking of animals in Tennessee is still cool, right?
Animals of the opposite sex only, of course!
"Sen. Stacey Campfield, a Republican"
Do they really even need to mention this anymore, when reporting these hyperdumbfuck legislation proposals?
He's got a girl's name but is doing a boy's job. He's a special kinda guy.
Is this that "Sharia Law" people have been going on about?
Did they add a stoning provision for anyone that mentions the ghayez? If not, they are doing a half ass job.
This is good, ole Christian law, so, yeah. Same difference.
But can they say "uterus"?
No. No, they may not.
"Lady Bits" or "privates". Them's where yer pretty little babies comes from when you start spittin' them out at 13, like yer spose'to.
Fuckin' hillbillies.
Not if it is a female teacher.
Not clearly… comes out "You Taurus"… which brings us to the "Its now illegal to talk about Astrology".
What, is Tennessee trying to get God's attention from Alabama?
Tennessee: God's rodeo clown.
How lucky for Tennessee that all their other problems are solved so they can finally focus on this!
And by giving parents the opportunity to explain sex to their children in their own special way ("open wide while daddy shows you where the penis goes") this will be a great step toward reducing teen pregnancy in the state.
This should go great with home schoolin'
I always thought that Gaybabies Huggies were a bad idea.
Gay MuppetBabies Huggies might be a better choice.
How long before "Stacey" gets caught in a motel meth tryst with a rough trick named Bubba?
Because as any parent knows, the best way to get kids not to think about something is to expressly prohibit it. The obedient little tykes just go merrily along with their lives, never bringing up the subject again.
Or they just go online, like everybody else does today.
Just dub in "Tennessee," and then George Takei's response is pretty much ready to go: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UACK93xF-FE
Or if you're in a hurry, shorter Takei
That is fantastic.
Thanks for the linky. I just sent it to my conservative sister.
I like this Takei…it works for most people. http://youtu.be/yytbDZrw1jc
but can you still carry firearms into gay bars?
Big guns are always appropriate in a gay bar.
Not only can you, it's mandatory.
Yes, but you can't call them [redacted] bars.
Senator Spacy Stacey pushed for requiring death certificates for all less that full-term fetuses. Doesn't look like the douchenozzle is going to run dry anytime soon.
Sounds like he's trying to compete with our own John LaBruzo here in Louisiana as the stinkiest of the assclowns. LaBruzzo constantly wastes legislative time trying to get poor women sterilized, welfare recipients drug tested, and most recently, ALL abortion illegal, no exceptions, up to the point of prosecuting doctor AND mother for infanticide. No, they will not shut up anytime soon.
Ooh Ooh Here it is.Its the opportunity of a lifetime. I'm going to get a state contract to supply my patented Dr. Duckswothy's Teeny Tiny Coffins which come with a 500X lens so the mourners can see the deceased.
Where are the fucking tornadoes when you need 'em?
What do they do with gay fetuses?
Can TN teachers let the kids read "Peter Pan" it's full of fairies.
And flying lesbians Gay-Pressuring poor English girls.
Making sure we don't forget that convicting Scopes was the state's proudest moment.
Proudest moment so far.
"GAYS ARE A TYPE OF PLANT LIFE, NASHVILLE"
If they are alive, then they aren't a vegetable. Must be a…. oh, I don't know….
I guess "Heather Has Two Mommies" won't be part of the reading assignment list.
Nashville Twats
NOT pure as country water.
Stacey has issues, methinks
All over his face, I'd bet.
Time to start the underground "It Gets Better: Elementary and Middle School Edition" on the Nasty-ville intertubes.
Apparently, the square root of evil is penis.
That's the tube root.
Ouch. I tip my asshat to you, sir.
That's Nashville math, for you.
Why are they spending time on making the gays disappear when there are still unions to destroy?
Wait 'til Judy Garland – aka Dorothy – hears about this. She'll be whipping up a big batch of tornadoes for Tennessee. Nobody puts her gays in the corner!
What's the big deal? I ignore aspects of reality all the time.
Oh, and Jack, you apparently missed out on darling Stacey's foray in to the world of gay hustling, also.
"I will happily do ________ for a thousand bucks."
A rich hustler is a happy hustler.
You can do with the rest all you want? Is he offering his ass?
Can they refer to homosexuality as "the love that dare not speak its name?"
They wouldn't dare.
I believe its name might be "Stacey."
No offense to real human people named Stacey, but I'd say his parents had some questions about this dipshit's sexual orientation at birth. Premonition of a big gender mixup? Well, it happened, just after his brains were scrambled by wearing that colander on his head every day. Tennessee: where nuclear waste belongs.
You're as bad as that Barry Soetero feller badmouthing carnies and sideshow freaks. Quit dissing nuclear waste!
Some of my closest neighbors are nuclear waste! (True, Yucca Mountain is just over yonder).
Haley, Stacey, Lindsay; why is it so many Southern parents give their boy children girls' names?
OH MAH GAWD! They'll all be indoctrinated into the GAY ARMY! It's an evil plan!
I'm interested in the "below the high school level" part. So once these kids get into the 9th grade, homosexuality as a concept will just sort of spontaneously come into being?
That would be, um, interesting?
At high school, teachers can go hog wild with the gay indoctrination! Live fisting demonstrations in every classroom!
I'm imagining John Cleese teaching one of those.
"I think we'll skip the foreplay today if you don't mind, dear…"
"Below high school level", eh? In Tennesee, that means a lot of kids will NEVER get the word.
I have a friend who is in the music business there. They call it Nash Vegas, glittery and shallow.
That's perfect! Thanks for sharing that. I'm going to Vegas next week, lol.
You know you can see the Statue of Liberty in New York, right? Obama was right, Las Vegas is a shithole.
Where do you stay in Vegas when you go there?
I only live a couple of hours away, so I drive back home.
This is good news for all those closeted gay country singers with the big hats.
Now T_B, to whom could you possibly be referring, hmmm?
That categorical denial settles it for me then; just like Barry's long form birth certificate settles it for the crazy birthers.
When I hit the link I was hoping to see John Rich.
was going with the dark horse Trace "it's not Tracey, cause I'm not gay!" Adkins
Today, we were all briefly married to Rene Zellweger until she found out we were actually involved with Payton Manning and just wanted her as beard.
OT
Since the tag-team at IHOP post shows that silly is clearly on the Wonkette menu this morning, Wired has a piece on C'Addle's beloved Archie McPhee's. So if yer running short on handerpants, a barrel full of owls, or Nunzillia (my fav from my rapped knuckles days), you should take a look.
Also tabled until high school in the bill: races other than white, religions other than Christianity, and pizza other than Papa John's.
no doubt (and sadly) soon to be followed by the "Suicide Does Not Exist" program….
So what happens if a kid has gay parents? Is the teacher not allowed to acknowledge them? Does that mean that little Heather gets out of showing her report card to her moms?
Oh, pish! Didn't you see Pat Robertson's rationale about abortion? Teh Gheys can't make babies.
They get in trouble for having the nerve to have a gay parent… it's been happening for a while.
I can personally vouch that it's been happening since at least the early eighties in Northern Virginia.
This was so much easier to accomplish in the 60s-70s when everyone and their sister weren't coming out of the closet publicly and on their own terms.
"Teacher, how can Neil Patrick Harris have twin babies when he's not married? And who is that man he's kissing in this picture?"
"Jimmy, ask your dad that question while he's watching How I Met Your Mother"
Shockingly, the same people who believe Obama is a muzlin kenyan believe that that motherfucker is straight.
With long, hot soapy showers thereafter.
No gays. Pi = 3. Age of consent is 13. Death certificates for sperm.
Sounds like jobs are their first priority.
Stole my post: "But just think of all the jobs this will create!" Shit!
Blow jobs from Teh Gheys?
Wun kin only hawp!
Tennessee passes pro-discrimination laws, then tornados rip thru the South. God hates discrimination against gays.
At least that's how I learned how God works from Pat Robertson.
Does this mean that kids can't watch Ernie and Bert any more?
I wonder if Rudy Gay's going to find it hard to play for the Memphis Grizzlies after this.
Oh god, the Commercial Appeal editors would cry forever if Rudy Gay weren't available for headlines anymore. It's the lowest-hanging fruit possible when it comes to headline puns.
Oh please. Define "play for".
There's a lot more to being a Memphis Grizzly than being good at basketball: bourré, holding jamon-eating contests between Marc Gasol and Zach Randolph, giving Grievis Vasquez swirlies, preventing OJ Mayo from cutting a bitch, etc. Just because he's fairly useless as a player doesn't mean he isn't helping his team win.
Also, a certain Motown great won't be selling very many records.
No one in Tennessee makes it to high school level.
THIS JUST IN: An armed army of leprous armadillos has been spotted crossing the border into Tennessee.
So that's what saved Tennessee from the wrath of God's tornados.
Actually, the Lord got a few solid blows in last night. 33 dead in TN. Massive damage. Sweet Home Al-Bhama got it a lot worse. They must have moar ghey.
Then you're not doing it right…
Being of a certain age, I recall not one word about gay being spoken or acknowledged in school (save bullies), and that did nothing to stop me from growing up to be a happy, reasonably well-adjusted man who thinks cock-gobbling is just the best thing since sliced bread.
Please, Staci, explain how this happened.
Clearly, you needed more bullying.
Get rid of all the state legislatures. These fuckers must roll out of bed in the morning and just pass a law about the first thing they think of.
States should just keep the roads repaired and the garbage picked up.
This competition for "America's Most Totally Fucked State Legislature" has got to stop somewhere; every time I think we have a winner some local fucktard pulls one out of his/her ass which totally trumps (yes, pun intended Godammit) the one before. I'm just waiting for one of them to fall in the shower and introduce a repeal of the Law of Gravity.
Sen. Stacey Campfield.
"Stacey???" How gay is that?
To paraphrase Mr. Takei, they are ALL douchebags.
How about a restriction that's TRULY equal–no mention of anything related to sex, gender, or relationships, homosexual or heterosexual? Anyone mentioning their spouse, boyfriend, girlfriend, or marriage, romance, kissing, or having children would be subject to a fine. I don't mind what straight people do in their bedrooms, but do they have to flaunt the fact of their heterosexuality in front of impressionable children?
I don't want my kid exposed to filth like "Heather Has a Mommy And a Daddy."
Oh, and here I thought that gym class was about desperately attempting to assert your dominance over the other boys with protestations of "no homo!"
Don't forget the towel snappin'.
Funny, I experienced similar disappointment when I tried cockgobbling.
Or gravy?
Tennessee just wants to stick true to the traditions of the pioneers. When it comes to preversions, they don't want no truck with this newfangled homo-sekshul stuff, no sir. They are gonna stick with good old fashioned god-fearing incest. It was good enough for their grandparents, dad-gummit.
"good old fashioned god-fearing incest. It was good enough for their grandparents, dad-gummit. "
Yeah, both of them.
I dunno, those guys in the back look OK to me.
Actually, it sounds like this was in rebuttal to Nashville passing an anti-discrimination law. Did I read that right? So, don't bag on Nashville. I'm not a fan, but it sounds like it may be the sanest place in the state.
We really are. We're one of the few cities in the state that has anti-discrimination policies, and as far as I know the only city where our Mayoral candidates have used civil rights for gays as a positive campaign issue.
Nashville is a great city, but dear God does it need to move out of this state.
Same with New Orleans. Now if we could just get Austin to secede with us….
But do you have to keep releasing all that horrible country music?
Why knock this great legislation? We're all pragmatists, here, and this sort of law worked quite well in Iran. Just ask Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.
(Also, this is a fine way to retroactively prevent the holocaust.)
Once again, a clear example about how conservatism is all about local control. I mean except when it gets in the way of bigotry or literally signing cities over to political cronies.
Anyway, who here recalls what grade they were in at the precise moment that a "gay", or some anti-gay slur, became the pejorative du jour amongst your peers? My recollection is that it came into style in 5th grade, and had largely lost steam by high school. What I'm getting at is,
fix'd. This isn't about making sure "families" teach their kids about sexuality, it's about trying to ensure that kids' first exposure to the notion of non-hetero-sexuality comes in the form of either a condemnation or a slur.
How will a teacher answer "What are these Westboro Baptist people protesting about?"
Driving his big tough Ford trucknutz really hard all the way home.
I proposed a companion bill in the State of Washington, to wit, "Special Access to Discriminate Against Tennessee Act", in which it shall be illegal to mention the existence of the State of Tennessee to any child under the age of eighteen.
Perfect. It's up to their parents to teach them such filth.
WIN
We already have a similar act here in Michigan with Indiana in mind. Indiana, as far as we're concerned, is that bass-ackwards place between Kalamazoo and Chicago.
i assume the law contains a loophole allowing the mention of homosexuals as long as they are referred to as either "faggots" or "dykes". otherwise, where would the children of tennefuckee learn to hate gays? oh wait they'll still be able to learn from their parents and their coaches and pastors and well, from pretty much everyone.
Has anyone in Tennessee proposed a law to ban Glee from the TEEVEE yet? How them parnts gonna splain to li'l Ellie that Billy and Johnny are just friends anwayz.
We're all Hetero sapiens now.
Nice to see the Repubs are taking magical thinking to new heights–if they pretend hard enough not to see birth certificates or gays, guess what? Those things just won't exist anymore! It worked so well for the south in the Civil War, why shouldn't it work for the Repubs now?
I think Campy's own comment suggests he's been watching gay porn:
"It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out what's coming," Campfield said.
(from his own mentally ill site, beyond belief what goes on in that person's head) http://lastcar.blogspot.com/
Uh, Tennessee legislators, you might as well try to bring back anti-miscegenation laws; Colorado already tried this 15 years ago, and the Supreme Court struck it down:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Romer_v._Evans
http://supreme.justia.com/us/517/620/case.html
Well, they already tried to can AmeriCorps, so this is no shock.
Stacey Campbell is as gay as I am.
We Wonketteers need to set up a racket to bet on how Stacey Campbell will inevitably be outed by the media. There are so many options! Will it be plain-old cheating on his wife with a guy, will it be hiring a rentboy over Craigslist, will it be sleeping with the male grad student he leases a basement apartment out to, or will it be sex with a transvestite or transsexual prostitute?
Um, not married. Also, marginally employed, speciously educated, and ostensibly Christian. Which means, of course, that he'll be caught diddling a male member of Young Life in his church's basement.
Ah, should have done my homework. I have to agree then.
Single, Young Republican, Christian male and in real estate? My, my, my; so many options,so little time.
If they remember to hold it, I'll be sure to post pictures. The school is very artistic, which apparently is antithetical to being organized. Somehow they manage to get things done, but it's like watching a herd of cats. When it comes to grading, they use a sort of UCSC version of grades, so rather than A/B/C, it's an essay grade. So what I'm saying is that robot ninja pirate day may end up being plankton awareness day or dental floss beanie baby day by the time it rolls 'round.
It's actually an automatic disqualification.
Ugh.
Are we not men?
They call Canfield the Nashville Predator.
Note: Canfield is not an hockey fan.
They're still angry about that smart alecky John Scopes.
And Tennessee education takes another giant leap forward.
Every single person in the Tennessee State Legislature is a gay person–everyone knows this. And after Legislative daytime sessions, they all go to a vast dungeon beneath the State Capitol for more "sessions" that involve various devices found at Comfort Zone.
Will Tardy Teabaggers make up their minds: government in our lives or out? C'mon Baggers, which is it?
News flash, Stacey, the gay fifth graders dealing with way to much in their young lives already are not the reason you aren't getting any.
Have I said yet today that I hate this fucking nation, that the people who live here are sexually obsessed cretins who embarrass the living shit out of me?
I sent him an Aneros as a campaign donation. I know it'll be put to good use tonight.
So, Senator Campfield wants to outlaw the very *mention* of homosexuality?
Why would he want to do that?
It almost seems as though he's REPRESSING something… or desperately trying to OVERCOMPENSATE for something…
I wonder what it could be?
Stacey Campfield sounds kinda gay…
Its time to start dusting for stacey's knee prints at the public mensrooms. btw, stacey, what a lovely girls name. This guys has serious gay face.
Since when do parents discuss sex with their kids? They just want to insure that NO ONE will discuss sexuality anywhere, ever. Actual working knowledge of your body and desires takes all the romance, all the mystery away.
Apparently, if you just ignore gays, they simply don't exist. Well, that's how it works in Iran, anyway.
I would just like to say that it was quite a storm to behold last night here in good ol' Knox Vegas. Otherworldly even. I'm not going to go into all the "Storm Stories" details but will say I think I know whose fault this is now Stacey Campfield.
That Republican has gay face.
I really hate the South and all the crap it stands for. They're like Saudi Arabia without the burkhas covering their fat, ugly, stupid people.
Stacey Campfield… Stacey? Really? How long do we give him before he gets outed in some Airport men's room?
Gay people don't "exist". They LIVE!
Was she the leader of KC and the Something Band?
Funky music, indeed.
Do you gamble, if you don't mind my asking. This is the bathroom of the shithole room the hotel gives the players for free. http://i42.photobucket.com/albums/e324/Barb092162…
I'll be there in June, also and bathe in that tub before I use the Paul McCartney tickets they gave me for free.
No, I don't gamble at all. Don't drink, either. Only time I go to casinos is to eat, hard to beat $9 prime rib.The only time I spent a night in a Vegas casino was at the Hard Rock Hotel, and I must say it was enjoyable. Big room, nice pool, and lots of youthful energy. I was 20 years younger then…
I love the food at the Hard Rock.
Comments on this entry are closed.