VERY IMPORTANT FOR CONSUMERS TO ENJOY IT  11:45 am April 28, 2011

Royal Wedding News Watch: Internet Full of Scary Crime

by Ken Layne

All in the Family.Fox News has some hot Internet search results for you Royal Wedding fans of “princess Diana death photos.” It turns out that when bored gullible people get riled up by the entertainment-news media about the bloodline of some inbred Bavarians being ritualistically continued in a terrifying televised ceremony, Cyber Crime follows the voyeuristic mob like starving orphans in a Dickens’ tale. Some random Computer Security Experts tells Fox News, “It’s very important for consumers to enjoy it — it is a joyous occasion, after all — but be careful. They’re preying on people.” Very important, true. But the Royals are always preying on people. Isn’t that the whole point of having some random family tree of genetic mutations ruling over 62 million people because the Saxon Boar King Thiedericus of Liesgau smote Ceengør of Ålk in the summer of 953 near modern-day Blankenburg?

So what should the housebound on their Hoverounds worry about, when looking for “prince Charles age” or the aforementioned “princess Diana death photos” when watching the festivities in faraway England while realizing the span of time between Charles and Diana’s 1981 royal wedding and tomorrow’s somber freak show covers the entire span of worthwhile life for the vast majority of Americans? What should people do, in this country, while comprehending for the first time that there’s not much left beyond the crushing reality of another few years of pain and immobility followed by the black void of death?

Be careful of Internet scams, that’s what! Apparently most of the Internet is now dedicated to “malicious websites” about Will and Kate’s sexy ceremony, such as Fox News and the BBC. Everyone should avoid these sites as they are full of the cybercrime.

Again, from this Fox News story that also throws in a bunch of Harry Potter language because why not, that’s all the average Fox News viewer knows of “Merry Olde England” anyway:

So those researching royalty should be prepared for the boiling cauldron of online cyberscams, warned Helen Malani, Symantec’s Norton Cybercrime Education Expert. “There are huge crowds online, and where crowds go, pickpockets follow,” Malani told FoxNews.com. “We’ve been tracking it since February, and over 2,000 malicious sites have already been created,” she warned.

The company has discovered a massive upswing in so-called “search engine poisoning,” or the intentional creation of misleading and oftentimes downright dangerous websites intended to guide the gullible off track. Symantec found a surge in all sorts of malicious online activity related to such poisoning, such as spam designed to steal personal information and links to harmful sites hidden in search engine results.

So if Paul Ryan doesn’t steal your Medicare prescription card, the Russian hackers will! [Fox News]

 
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{ 134 comments }

Weenus299 April 28, 2011 at 11:49 am

It's not a monarchy anymore, it's a cult.

Sophist [غني عن ذلك] April 28, 2011 at 12:13 pm

Iä! Iä! Windsor fhtagn!

Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Diana R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn!

DustBowlBlues April 28, 2011 at 12:50 pm

Welsh?

ShaveTheWhales April 28, 2011 at 1:35 pm

Lovecraft.

Failure_Artist April 28, 2011 at 1:00 pm

When was it not a cult? People used to think the monarch could cure scrofula. At least the royals have stopped fondling people's diseased skin. In public, that is.

zhubajie April 29, 2011 at 6:37 am

Prince Charles is rumored to be a New Ager; maybe he should take up faith-healing. Works for Benny Hinn!

BarryOPotter April 28, 2011 at 2:08 pm

It's not a monarchy anymore, it's a cult.

Well, one must move with the times, when appropriate, mustn't one…

Negropolis April 29, 2011 at 7:44 am

Hey, it beats Scientology.

Texan_Bulldog April 28, 2011 at 11:50 am

"What should people do, in this country, while the crushing reality of another few years of pain and immobility is followed by the black void of death?"

Drink?

elviouslyqueer April 28, 2011 at 12:03 pm

Masturbate?

Not_So_Much April 28, 2011 at 12:35 pm

Drunkenly masturbate?

chicken_thief April 28, 2011 at 12:40 pm

I thought drinking and masturbating went hand-in-hand, so to speak…

Doktor Zoom April 28, 2011 at 12:03 pm

Buy gold?

mumbly_joe April 28, 2011 at 12:12 pm

Dress up like Hitler?

Ken Layne April 28, 2011 at 12:20 pm

Put in the missing verbs and other lost words before publishing the post?

Sophist [غني عن ذلك] April 28, 2011 at 12:22 pm

Why start now?

memzilla April 28, 2011 at 12:23 pm

Pinot 'n corn flakes for breakfast?

jqheywood April 28, 2011 at 1:46 pm

Breakfast o'Champions!

Pres[ $ rm -r * ] April 28, 2011 at 1:42 pm

Learn fisting?

zhubajie April 29, 2011 at 6:38 am

One acquaintance plans to smoke opium regularly until it finishes him off.

natoslug April 28, 2011 at 11:51 am

Fox News complaining about malicious sites is like a hookworm complaining about tapeworms getting all the juicy bits.

Ducksworthy April 28, 2011 at 2:37 pm

What do you call a parasite that lives off of people's stupidity? A Fuxnewz?

Zvi_Bleindmeis April 28, 2011 at 11:52 am

Lucius Malware must be at the heart of this.

Ken Layne April 28, 2011 at 12:21 pm

That is the greatest Harry Potter slash fiction character EVAR

Sophist [غني عن ذلك] April 28, 2011 at 12:28 pm

Accio Norton!

Not_So_Much April 28, 2011 at 12:37 pm

Man, think of all the digital monsters roaming the firewire of Malware Manor. Spooky.

CapeClod April 28, 2011 at 11:53 am

Next they are going to tell us that not all porn sites are on the up and up.

natoslug April 28, 2011 at 11:55 am

I find they're generally on the up and up for the first few minutes, but eventually they leave me flat. I just don't have the stamina I had at 18.

Doktor Zoom April 28, 2011 at 12:06 pm

I was interested…interested…more interested…VERY interested…then suddenly no interest at all.

ManchuCandidate April 28, 2011 at 11:53 am

Stupid white people.

Zvi_Bleindmeis April 28, 2011 at 11:57 am

Last night on NPR they were interviewing, among others, wedding enthusiasts in Glasgow of Pakistani and Indian descent. (They had wonderful brogues!) So it's not only white people.

ManchuCandidate April 28, 2011 at 12:05 pm

True, I can understand the interest of tinted people around the world who are subjects of the Queen (I happen to be one myself, but I could care less) but the white folks I'm referring to are those in the US America who if I recall aren't subjects of the inbred Saxons and don't understand why they would really care.

Duly_Noted April 28, 2011 at 12:09 pm

Stupidity knows no boundaries; it's that wonderful quality that unites all races, creeds and national origins.

Ken Layne April 28, 2011 at 12:22 pm

Stupid exploited Commonwealth native peoples.

CalamityJames April 28, 2011 at 11:54 am

And you guys said they wouldn't put the wedding on Wonkette!

mavenmaven April 28, 2011 at 11:54 am

Perhaps Wonkette needs to make commemorative plates, for Kate and Trump and Trig…

GodShammgod April 28, 2011 at 11:56 am

Royal commemorative TruckNutz?

widestanceroman April 28, 2011 at 11:55 am

Every sensible child knows what this means.

BarryOPotter April 28, 2011 at 2:15 pm

Don't even get me started on the poor and the needy, who are so selfish and greedy…

fuflans April 28, 2011 at 11:55 am

to be fair, the Saxon Boar King Thiedericus DID lower taxes.

Ken Layne April 28, 2011 at 12:23 pm

… and don't forget how He balanced the rancid butter budget.

chicken_thief April 28, 2011 at 12:46 pm

Jeebus wrote it in the Magna Carta jes like he did our Constitution?!

Numbat_Dundee April 28, 2011 at 9:47 pm

Besides, Ceengør of Ålk had it coming.

$exy$murf April 28, 2011 at 11:55 am

Please tell me that this is legit. Because I bought like ten of them.

Doktor Zoom April 28, 2011 at 12:08 pm

I love the decorative arts.

weejee April 28, 2011 at 12:17 pm

Where is the armadillo?

Lascauxcaveman April 28, 2011 at 12:22 pm

So tasteful! And so very, very NSFW.

horsedreamer_1 April 28, 2011 at 2:16 pm

I know. I opened it, &, uh,… Bam.

Not good for my performance review.

bureaucrap April 28, 2011 at 12:26 pm

I so love that the artist says that the design is NOT an anti-establishment statement. Only metaphorically. Oh, and literally as well.

DashboardBuddha April 28, 2011 at 12:57 pm

Remember the old Ed Sullivan show. When I was a kid, I loved the jugglers who did the spinning plates…these would be AWESOME.

Also, "loving and humorous image." I larfed at that.

MutteringLoner April 28, 2011 at 12:57 pm

I do believe the Wonkette Blingee Reference file just went bah-nanas!!

Native_of_SL_UT April 28, 2011 at 11:56 am

Oh fuck, my worst fear has been realized…that we would move from the Donald to the Royal wedding.

Chillwaver April 28, 2011 at 11:57 am

"Be careful of Internet scams, that’s what! Apparently most of the Internet is now dedicated to “malicious websites” about Will and Kate’s sexy ceremony, such as Fox News and the BBC."

So basically, just like it happens in real life, the FuxNews crowd is more likely to get every single disease out there.

edgydrifter April 28, 2011 at 11:58 am

And even after this grotesque farce is broadcast around the globe, people will still wonder why I hate monarchs.

bureaucrap April 28, 2011 at 12:27 pm

It's like the Catholic Church. It's all about "bells and smells".

Numbat_Dundee April 28, 2011 at 9:48 pm

Yep. People are always asking me why you hate monarchs.

harry_palmer April 28, 2011 at 11:58 am

The owner of Fox News and WSJ Online has the gall to call other sites malicious?

CapeClod April 28, 2011 at 11:58 am

Elizabeth is never going to die anyway, at least not before the final apocalypse, so why does any of this matter?

SudsMcKenzie April 28, 2011 at 12:00 pm

I'm hiding my collectors plates from the internets.

V572..whatever April 28, 2011 at 12:32 pm

The Franklin MInt®©™ has their security staff on high alert.

That is to say, they woke up Darius, the security guard.

SmutBoffin April 28, 2011 at 12:02 pm

See, America? This is what happens when you don't tax rich people. The boiling cauldrons and smiting and whatnot.

Think about that when watching the wedding of Baron von Trump VIII in 2054.

freakishlywrong April 28, 2011 at 12:03 pm

Funny Faux would report on this and not on the headline of the UK Independent this am:

The day America took leave of its senses

bureaucrap April 28, 2011 at 12:29 pm

Isn't that the headline every day? The only variant is how it takes leave of its senses on any particular day.

proudgrampa April 28, 2011 at 12:05 pm

Where is David Icke when we need him?

BEWARE THE REPTILIANS, SHEEPLE!!!1!

Mumbletypeg April 28, 2011 at 12:06 pm

Royal Wedding = a *meh* from U.S. viewers acc. to NBC.
Translated: "Boring Lamestream Media Accuses Royal Couple of being too 'Boring' Even For Them."

freakishlywrong April 28, 2011 at 12:14 pm

Unless, of course, someone demands the birf certificate. Then, it's on like Donkey Kong.

RadioAfterbirther April 28, 2011 at 12:07 pm

Personally, I'm holding out for the Tonya Harding style honeymoon vid.

con voce haughty
HRH K: Ooh Wills, your royal sceptre is so big. It's almost as if your a genetic mutant.
HRH H: What, you commoners don't tend to the royal landing strip? Princess…Bitch.
HRH K: Tongue punch my farty royal box.

Lascauxcaveman April 28, 2011 at 12:07 pm

OMG! I just realized Kate is a muggle! Don't marry her William!

In fairness to FOX, I think all news articles involving England should have the word 'cauldron' in them somewhere. But they lose points for using 'pickpocket' when they could have used 'cutpurse.'

ManchuCandidate April 28, 2011 at 12:43 pm

Sex Cauldron, actually

baconzgood April 28, 2011 at 12:09 pm

"Saxon Boar King Thiedericus of Liesgau smote Ceengør of Ålk in the summer of 953 near modern-day Blankenburg?"

That now is officially all I know about English history.

GrayRogue April 28, 2011 at 12:15 pm

That's all you (or anyone) needs to know about English history.

baconzgood April 28, 2011 at 12:12 pm

Whou caresu aboutu a countryu and peopleu thatu randoumely but "U"s in thieru wurds.

The Brits haven't done shit since the Blackadder.

SorosBot April 28, 2011 at 12:13 pm

Some useless rich fucks.

BaldarTFlagass April 28, 2011 at 12:13 pm

Are they gonna be selling the sheets from the wedding night bed? I remember some hotel owner sold 1-inch squares of the bedsheets that the Beatles had slept on, back in the day. In this case I guess you would have to pay a premium for the "wet spot" and a double premium for the bloodstain from the piercing of the Royal Maidenhead. Certificate of DNA Authenticity for these last two available for an additional premium.

V572..whatever April 28, 2011 at 12:34 pm

I banged Kate years ago, so forget about that.

SorosBot April 28, 2011 at 12:14 pm

Britain could use another Oliver Cromwell, one who wasn't a crazed fundamenalist prick.

V572..whatever April 28, 2011 at 12:34 pm

Teh religious crazy = revolutionary zeal. Can't have one without the other, apparently. Jefferson and Washington were just switching to a different business model, not overthrowing a king.

vulpes82 April 28, 2011 at 3:12 pm

Except he basically made himself a king ("Lord Protector" my ass) in the end. His son was just a wimpy pushover who couldn't keep it.

AJW@[redacted] April 28, 2011 at 12:15 pm


"Be careful of Internet scams, that’s what! Apparently most of the Internet is now dedicated to “malicious websites”


No shit! I clicked on a picture of a Kaiser roll the other day and got the red screen drudge siren attack.

Buzz Feedback April 28, 2011 at 12:15 pm

Will Lord Mountbatten be there?

harry_palmer April 28, 2011 at 12:18 pm

Parts of him will always be there …

bureaucrap April 28, 2011 at 12:15 pm

"Saxon Boar King Thiedericus of Liesgau smote Ceengør of Ålk in the summer of 953 near modern-day Blankenburg…"

Aaahh, good times. Remember it well. That night there was much feasting on blutwurst and knodeln, and the repeated singing of the celebrated "Vonderstiftunganzenheurenshaushpiellied" while quaffing tankards of blut-bier.

DustBowlBlues April 28, 2011 at 12:48 pm

Back in the days of Ethelred the Ready, who wasn't. (That's actually a true fact.)

Ken Layne April 28, 2011 at 12:22 pm

Make old Benjamin Franklin fuck them until they agree to an arms deal?

weejee April 28, 2011 at 12:23 pm

Sweet. Obvs Barry is Othello. Is Rove Macbeth and Coulter his Lady faire? Or maybe Dullfart and Xtine, or Barbour and Bachmann, or…

V572..whatever April 28, 2011 at 12:30 pm

Finally some royal wedding coverage on Wonkette. Time for Sarah to do something wacky! Anyone checked her twats? It's got to be galling to her to have some other woman get more coverage than she does.

zhubajie April 29, 2011 at 6:47 am

She saving her energy for a major shit-fit when Levi publishes his tell-all manga and hentai.

BlueStateLibel April 28, 2011 at 12:39 pm

I'll just be quietly crying, thinking that this is the wedding that Bristol and Levi SHOULD have had.

Limeylizzie April 28, 2011 at 12:40 pm

May I mention how much I despise the Saxe-Coburg-Gotha Cunts.

V572..whatever April 28, 2011 at 1:26 pm

Your comment makes CNN royal watcher and meth-head Richard Quest simply livid with rage.

Limeylizzie April 28, 2011 at 2:13 pm

Then tell him to loosen that ball-harness .

Beanball April 28, 2011 at 4:47 pm

As a descendant of an Irishman who left Ireland because of the British-mandated Famine, I too loath the fookin' Brit aristocracy.

Fuck the Queen & Up the Irish.

proudgrampa April 28, 2011 at 8:04 pm

Oh c'mon, Lizzie, tell us how you really feel!

chicken_thief April 28, 2011 at 12:43 pm

They've ignored the French ability to cook a decent meal for centuries, why start now?

deanbooth April 28, 2011 at 12:43 pm

With a few minor edits, this post could be about Jack's Trig celebration.

MissTaken April 28, 2011 at 12:44 pm

And they have those adorable miniature giraffes!

ttommyunger April 28, 2011 at 12:44 pm

The headline I'm waiting for: "Royal Twit to Wed Toothy Twat, Costing Brits One Helluval Lot-But it's worth it-NOT!" What are the odds?

Limeylizzie April 28, 2011 at 2:16 pm

When Princess Anne married Mark Phillips it was the first wedding of any of the Queen's spawn and it was a huge event, except in the Morning Star the Communist Party newspaper, where halfway down the front page in a teeny litte article it simply stated "Anne Windsor will marry Mark Phillips in Westminster Abbey today.

ttommyunger April 28, 2011 at 2:24 pm

Speaking only as a man, and not much of one any more, I can only say, “Sounds about right to me.” ps Limey, you are the shit! (In Americaspeak, that is a good thing)

DustBowlBlues April 28, 2011 at 12:46 pm

Jesus christ. Here I am, sans any running water and reduced to Stone Age conditions (if they had electricity and computers) and the editor writes this bleak story. All the news is about Dixieland being the new Tornado Alley and no one has mentioned that it seems to be only the Red States that get hammered by Mother Nature? There has got to be a sign in that, something on the order of, god hates redneck semi-litierates. Yeah, I think that's it.

DahBoner April 28, 2011 at 12:48 pm

All this talk about these limie Fluffernutters reminds me—do you know you can get a PC made of bamboo now?

(…cleans teeth with toothpick…)

chicken_thief April 28, 2011 at 12:49 pm

Some bitch I'd hit to some asshole that I'd really love to hit.

DashboardBuddha April 28, 2011 at 12:54 pm

I do believe this wins the day…but the "Tongue of Trump" thing made me throw up a bit. In fairness to Donny though, he jabbers so much that Oily would either have her nubbins sanded down, or experience dozens of multiple orgasms…clustergasms.

mereoblivion April 28, 2011 at 1:33 pm

Well, you definitely got back at me for making you throw up a bit.

DashboardBuddha April 28, 2011 at 1:34 pm

Well…didn't it make you too?

DashboardBuddha April 28, 2011 at 12:59 pm

I am less interested in this than I was my own wedding.

Failure_Artist April 28, 2011 at 1:03 pm

They weren't that great with the whole "staying a republic" thing. See: Bonaparte, the Bourbon Restoration, Bonaparte AGAIN.

proudgrampa April 28, 2011 at 1:20 pm

Oh, I don't think so, DustBowl. I suspect there are a lot of closet Royal Watchers among us… If you know whatimean.

Limeylizzie April 28, 2011 at 2:19 pm

I forgive you on behalf of generations of my people who worked in appalling conditions and were treated like shit by the aristocracy.

Pres[ $ rm -r * ] April 28, 2011 at 1:35 pm

Neal Stephenson wrote one of the best lines in SF in the Quicksilver trilogy when he described the scene when Queen Anne was on her deathbed died leaving no issue after all 17 of her children died themselves: "Anne's in miserable health, the House of Hanover is packing up its pointed helmets and illustrated beer-mugs and taking English lessons…"

Fucking House of Saxe-Coburg-Gotha, I mean, Windsor.

jqheywood April 28, 2011 at 1:39 pm

Okay, here are your princess Diana death photos: http://bit.ly/kJxpbL

Satisfied?

missemish April 28, 2011 at 1:58 pm

IT'S A TRAP.

jqheywood April 28, 2011 at 1:45 pm

Well…I only drink when the "sun is past the yardarm", and since I'm not a flat-earther, I know that somewhere on this glorious blue marble the sun is sinking into the horizon, why yes, I think I will have one. If I open the drink holder on this PC will one appear? Oh, I do hope so!

proudgrampa April 28, 2011 at 2:01 pm

<DIV>”Sun is past theyardarm” = “It's 5 o'clock somewhere!” </DIV> <DIV></DIV> <DIV>Bless you, m'boy. You do prefer your martinis dry, eh?—

jqheywood April 28, 2011 at 2:40 pm

I was taught the only proper way to make a martini (thanks, Dad!) was to add good gin, and I do prefer the Sapphire, to a shaker with ice, stir (not shake), and strain into a chilled glass (I usually put the ice in the glass while I'm looking for the gin bottle). Then you take the vermouth, and for a normal martini, you uncork the bottle and wave it near the glass and then recork the bottle and enjoy. For a truly dry martini, do not uncork the vermouth, but formally introduce it to the gin (gin, this is vermouth; vermouth, this is gin). Put the bottle away and enjoy.

proudgrampa April 28, 2011 at 6:42 pm

<DIV>My God, you and I must have the same Daddy! Nowadays, I just whisper “vermouth” in a very quiet voice over the martini glass. This saves one the effort and strain of removing the vermouth from the liquor cabinet.</DIV> <DIV></DIV> <DIV>Cheers!—

Hipple, Rev. Paul T. April 28, 2011 at 1:47 pm

There are certain stations on the satellite TV I will NOT watch because they are obviously probing the mind, if not bending it, using undetectable microlaser rays.

Among these are TLC, DISC, HIST, SCI, FOOD, anything by PBS, CBS, MSNBC, TWC, C-SPAN1, C-SPAN2, Communist News Network, and ESPNU.

And BRAVO, obviously.

Hipple, Rev. Paul T. April 28, 2011 at 2:12 pm

My bad. I thought we was talking about the satellite TV. I got that confused with the internets.

Don't even get me started on the internets where you got all of the mind control/mind data mining PLUS it is The Demon's playground.

jqheywood April 28, 2011 at 1:48 pm

And will they accept precious bodily fluids?

Warpde April 28, 2011 at 1:57 pm

Could we skip this wedding crap and skip right to the tampon part?

Poindexter718 April 28, 2011 at 2:08 pm

And what female sanitary product can Prince Willie appropriate for his wedding night pillow talk now that his dad has taken the obvious one?
I'm thinking Panty-Liner.
Maxi-Pad's bit daft and Widow Rag too old fashioned…

horsedreamer_1 April 28, 2011 at 2:15 pm

Still less expensive for the wedding than Obama's trip to India.

snoopyfan2010 April 28, 2011 at 8:06 pm

Yawn….

chascates April 28, 2011 at 3:05 pm

We have our own line of genetic mutations thanks to the families of Bush, Cheney, Quayle, etc.

widget2011 April 28, 2011 at 5:26 pm

Last glimpse of a feudalist society over seas. It does appear, however that a feudalist society is making a comeback over here though.

Meet your Owners, CEO's, viceroys, and plantation owners:

1 GE: new motto "we fuck YOU in the ass.
2 Bill Gates: I made mine by fucking you! Now my family is set for the next 200 generations!
3 The Koch's: need I say more?
4 The Waltons: "TURN THE FUCKING LIGHT OUT! JOHN BOY!" and "we helped send your manufacturing jerbs to fucking China, moran, give me a fucking tax break". And they will, HaHa.
5 Donald Trump: I'm so god-damned stupid, I just can't seem to keep my mouth shut, because I am a total Moron.

doloras April 28, 2011 at 7:03 pm

Actually, they're now half-German half-Danish, the latter coming from Phillip (whose granddad was actually King of Greece, back when the major export market of Northern Europe was minor royalty to newly independent Balkan states).

Jerri April 28, 2011 at 7:31 pm

"Online cyberscams."

Oh sure! Those are much worse than the in-person cyberscams.

PrimlyStable April 28, 2011 at 7:32 pm

But if online shopping isn't safe, where am I supposed to buy my Royal Wedding toilet seat, pizza and cock-ring?

BZ1 April 28, 2011 at 11:53 pm

If you can't wait for the nuptials, see: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kav0FEhtLug

Negropolis April 29, 2011 at 12:54 am

You know what I always found particularly tone deaf about he Nazi Harry thing? The Nazis where almost certainly trying to off his grandmother and her family in the worst way.

Negropolis April 29, 2011 at 12:58 am

Everyone else just calls it whisky dick, you know, flying half-mast. That can't be enjoyable.

drrty_martini April 29, 2011 at 2:04 am

Aww jeez…self abuse: I'm don' it wrong!

Warpde April 29, 2011 at 1:05 am

Channel 3, Wedding.
Channel 5, Wedding.
Channel 7, Wedding.
Channel 10, Wedding.
Channel 13, Wedding.
Channel 14, Wedding.
Channel 22, 23,25,27,33,36,37,39,44,45,63.101,122,133,134,235,345,455,662, Wedding.
Where the fuck is the Hockey game?

zhubajie April 29, 2011 at 6:43 am

Get rid of Windows and you'll have far fewer problems.

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