it's morning in america

Obama Nominates Leon Panetta To Lead War Department

Reshuffle the hacks!

  • Old-timey Clinton hack and current CIA Top Spy Leon Panetta is slated to take over the War Department! Do we mean, “The Department of Defense, Heil Hitler?” Nope! The War Department. Because when’s the last time the United States was invaded and had to defend itself? The War of 1812? Maybe that time we tried to stop The Beatles from singing songs? (This is why we need those new stealth fingerbanger bombers — what if The Beatles try to visit America again?) Panetta is “politically savvy,” apparently, and that is why he will make the perfect War Secretary. (Obama doesn’t need another jerk-wad secretary tellin’ him that robot-bombing Libya is a dumb idea.) Oh, also: Famous war monger Dave Petraeus will be the new Central Intelligence chief. Congratulations to all the people who are about to get robot-bombed/assassinated by Jason Bourne. [The Hill]
  • Just a friendly reminder: BP will resume raping the Gulf of Mexico, again, very soon. Billions of dollars will be made! And soon all of this $$$ will trickle down to the dead sea creatures/ruined ecosystems/children with cancer. Just kidding. It won’t. [AP]
  • Everything is terrible but at least we have armadillos, right? Yeah, except ARMADILLOS SPREAD LEPROSY. [CNN]

About the author

Riley is an "internet blogger." He has written for such internet websites as True/Slant and the terrible Brangelina gossip emporium "The Huffington Post." Riley lives in northeast DC, near H Street. Maybe you do too and want to hang out?

View all articles by Riley Waggaman

Comments

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  • carlgt1

    from the Dept. of Meet The New Boss, Same As the Old Boss…

  • Weenus299

    The CIA will now be opening branches in all 50 states. Look for the local representatives in your area.

    • user-of-owls

      Sort of like the Cheka meets the Bookmobile then?

    • justkillmenow

      Maybe they can share space with the FBI. They are everywhere.

  • horsedreamer_1

    My sleeper pick for SECDEF, Reggie White, comes up short, again.

    • Weenus299

      Disqualified per dead for the past five years. Zombie Reggie White on the other hand …

      • horsedreamer_1

        He'd put the Mexican-American soldiers in charge of housing. Think of the savings!

  • Serolf_Divad

    Is it just the armadillos that cross over from Mexico, or all armadillos? Quick, someone call Lou Dobbs so we can get a definitive answer on this.

  • Barb

    Armadillos spread leprosy? See, this is why condom use is so important!
    Just because the armadillo is "ribbed for your pleasure" doesn't mean that you shouldn't wrap your willie!

    • JimmyCarlBlack

      We've got, you know, armadillos in our trousers. I mean, it's really quite frightening.

      • bagofmice

        Not for long…

      • [redacted]hse

        JCB- the Indian in the group?

  • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

    I tend to think of the State Department as the Department of War, because that's where they get started.
    ~

  • BaldarTFlagass

    They oughta go with the truth in advertising thing and call it Department of Aggression.

    • Beowoof

      And I was thinking it would be more descriptive to call it the department of Protecting Rich Guys Overseas Assets. See, War is a Racket, Smedly Butler.

    • LionHeartSoyDog

      Bloody Imperialism, also.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Alms for an ex-armadillo?

    • Moonbat

      Ex-armadillo? What happened?

      • jqheywood

        Bloody Jesus Christ…I mean, did I ask to be healed? No. I had a good livelihood, and then…boom…you're healed, and good-bye income.

  • tcaalaw

    Well, there goes my plan to start an armadillo petting zoo….

    • anniegetyerfun

      Do porcupines spread disease? I know snakes do, which is why I stopped sleeping in that pit of them.

    • widestanceroman

      It's like the arms fell right off that idea.

  • memzilla

    Please support our new charity, Free Armadillos for Republicans and Breitard Trolls (FARBT).

    • DemmeFatale

      Leave out the Breitard, so it's Free Armadillos for Republican Trolls (FART).
      I love that word.
      (Yes, I'm a third grade boy.)

  • Limeylizzie

    I love that he nominated Petraeus because a lot on the right want him to jump into the Presidential race, so he's now been neutred or Neutraeus if you will. That s the only reason I like it, however.

    • Weenus299

      Me too. One day I will be so proud that an American Hero arrested me for thoughtcrime.

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

      I tend to agree. It's a fitting punishment for Petraeus: give him a job running an agency whose mission ended around 1990, and do it in a very public way that would call his patriotism into question if he turned it down. Now: I can haz Porter Goss investigation pleez?

      • horsedreamer_1

        Didn't work out so well with Jon "Clamshell" Huntsman.

    • V572..whatever

      Enghngnh, who'd be better? Anybody who'd want either job is automatically disqualified by the fact that they have no understanding of how difficult the jobs are, and how low the probability of successful outcome(s) are. Yes yes you're an SES-4 with your own driver and a private kitchen and a reserved seat at the State of the Union address, but it's pretty much all failure and degradation from that point on.

      • BaldarTFlagass

        How ya gonna keep 'em down on the farm, ma, once they've Willie-Petered Fallujah?

        • V572..whatever

          Ahem, please don't comment on my comments until I'm done editing them, BTF. As I was saying: Top SES-4 salary is $236,000…not too shabby, plus free parking at the Pentagon/Langley.

          • BaldarTFlagass

            And you would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for this meddling GS-13.

  • http://www.stumbleupon.com/stumbler/cheaphits/reviews cheaphits

    Congress hasn't changed a single law on oil and gas drilling in the past year A year later, the liability cap for companies that cause a major spill is still just $75 million, companies with dismal safety records can still obtain new leases, and they can still avoid compensating families when workers die on rigs.

    Methinks BP may just have one of those dismal safety records.

    • http://andrewdrinker.wordpress.com Andrew Drinker

      Only elitists remember anything older than 30 days!

    • Beowoof

      There you go with that facts stuff again. Republicans and teabaggers are never interested in facts.

    • not that Dewey

      companies with dismal safety records can still obtain new leases safety bonuses.

      fixed.

  • freddymcmurray

    And we hope you liked that game of musical heirs.

  • Texan_Bulldog

    Leon Panetta? Hmmff… I'm sure they could get George Tenet back when he gets done polishing his Medal of Freedom (or whatever dumb thing W gave him). Is the talent gene pool that shallow in DC? These people get shuffled around more than a dirty deck of cards in one of Donald's casinos.

    • Rosie_Scenario

      I love Panetta. We have one near my office and I usually get the cinnamon scone and a coffee.

  • http://www.facebook.com/pages/Johnny-Appletruth/133951326629923?sk=wall deanbooth

    If only I could roll up into a protective ball.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      What, you wanna be a pillbug?

  • James Michael Curley

    Don't ever, ever try to drive over an armadillo with your motorcycle.

    • bagofmice

      That could cost you an arm and a leg…

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Is that armadillo called "Mayhem?"

    • undeterredbyreality

      You've cost me another coffee-covered computer screen…

  • lilblacktombo

    The Ministry of Fights

    • Ramon X

      Ministry of Silly Walks?

  • http://theblueelite.blogspot.com simplyblue7

    Robot-bomb all armadillos! Problem solved. America 1, Leprosy 0.

    • bagofmice

      The limbs are sure to fly!

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Jason Bourne better stick to having his adventures in Europe; them car chases with him driving old-style Mini Coopers and Yugos would just stone cold be over in 30 seconds here in the states where he'd be up against Challengers and Camaros and Mustangs and such.

    • AJW@[redacted]

      And you never want to pit a Yugo against an armadillo!

    • anniegetyerfun

      Haha, of course we would give him a Hummer to drive around the desert killing Arabs.

    • Beowoof

      I don't know about that, with the cost of gas, he may stand a chance. After all he can probably afford to fill it up. The Camaro and Challenger owners will be lucky to afford a half tank.

  • ttommyunger

    Its all so clear now. This is Panetta's reward for having his CIA dummy up the fake "Certificate of Live Interracial Fornicanization" document. The Petraeus move is the General's reward for being such an outstanding and obsequious ass-kisser extraordinaire (this also give him a chance to get inside and clean up all that pesky paperwork involving the Pat Tillman debacle). WIN!

    • bagofmice

      Needs moar reverse vampires!

      • ttommyunger

        Sorry, next post, I promise!

    • V572..whatever

      Leon: more medals for McChrystal, stat!

      • ttommyunger

        No doubt!

  • http://whateveritisimagainstit.blogspot.com trampndirtdown

    Armadillo's spread leprosy! Now i feel justified for hating the south, as if tornadoes, bugs, the bible belt , the new nashville sound, snakes, and sweet tea weren't enough.

    • Barb

      I shouldn't say this, but remember the Tea Party convention they had in Nashville? Then they had a massive flood that put the Opryland Hotel under water. I lived in Hendersonville, from age 10 to 17, and friends showed me pictures of the flooding of the hotel. I felt sorry for the people, not so sorry for the hotel owners.

      • V572..whatever

        I've stayed at that awful hotel several times and could not be happier that The Great Terrarium of Nashville was (I hope!) destroyed forever by floodwater. The Gaylord people who run it are union-busting scabs in any case.

        Hope the Gibson factory store didn't get whacked though — bought me a J-60 Bluegrass Special there that I really love.

        • SorosBot

          And here I thought the people of Nashville, like all Southerners, were bigots who hated the Gaylord people.

        • Barb

          My friend, Darlene had three relatives who worked for the hotel and when they reopened they had a job fair and chose to hire new people instead of giving some back their jobs.

    • anniegetyerfun

      Thank you. Sweet tea is evil.

      • SorosBot

        For one thing, if it's served cold, it's not tea. The British must be ashamed of that travesty the South calls tea.

  • horsedreamer_1

    I hope Leon brings some of that bunga-bunga to DC.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    How come no mention of the killer storms down in Dixie? I reckon them folks ignored Easter same as Obama.

    • http://whateveritisimagainstit.blogspot.com trampndirtdown

      God is obviously taking revenge for the Progressive wave that has been sweeping through the bible belt.

      • SorosBot

        Here I figured it was god's punishment for all the incest.

    • CapeClod

      That was just high-functioning Birthers throwing themselves into tornados because their world ended yesterday.

    • Cicada

      Apparently NASCAR is an abomination unto the lord.

  • CapeClod

    Patraeus' first act will be to send Osama bin Laden an iPhone cunningly delivered as a gift from a relative. As soon as he turns it on, we will then robot carpet bomb the entire area with Roombas.

    • James Michael Curley

      When the Clinton administration tried to take out Bin Ladden in 2000, some ash*le in the DoD let it be known they had targeted Bin Ladden's cell phone.____Subsequently, Bin Ladden got rid of his cell phone, went off the grid, moved to Ruby Ridge, ID and opened a local Tea Party Nation franchise.

  • freakishlywrong

    They eat them aramdillahs in Texas. Could explain a lot.

  • SorosBot

    1812? The last time the United States was invaded was about fifty years after that. Clue: the attack came from inside the country, and it was one of the only wars where one side was clearly pure evil.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      You mean this one, right?
      http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Utah_War

      • Geminisunmars

        No casualties, and resolved through negotiations. Peeuuwee – whut kinda war is that?

    • Gold_ManSacks

      Also the one when the 501 Legion of the Imperial Army, Blizzard Force discovered our secret base and many heroic men and women gave their lives holding off the enemy while the bulk of the force was able to delete sensitive information about the remainder of our fleet before the base was overrun.

      • BaldarTFlagass

        Now our base are belong to them?

    • iburl

      Don't forget that time Americans were attacked by airstrikes about a month shy of 80 years ago… http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tulsa_Race_Riot#Atta

    • not that Dewey

      And then there was that time in 1995

      (but we don't require defense against that, right?)

  • http://www.vinoverve.com Maman

    Leprosy? Good to know that is still biblical times in the south.

    • OC_Burf_Serf

      The recent HUGE fucking twisters are a message, too, perhaps…Jebus is trying to scrub out a stain on His 1:1 map?

    • user-of-owls

      Don't even get me started with the toad showers we get every spring. You think regular rain messes up your last carwash?

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Leon wears his war department like a crown

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    Armadillos are Tejas speed bumps. Problem is the suckers don't squish much. My buddy and I hit one in West Tejas driving to freedomz in California after having been discharged from the Army and we almost rolled the car. We were in a hurry to reach the state line, so we left it behind for someone else to scoop up and catch the leprosy from eating a exhaust header-cooked delight.

    • V572..whatever

      Hood? Fort Ecstasy (Bliss)? RRAD?

  • horsedreamer_1

    & the Mariel boat-lift!

  • BerkeleyBear

    So we round up some armadillos, carpet bomb Afghanistan's tribal belt with them and give BP the rights to drill/rape their environment if they leave the gulf. Winning and tiger blood for everyone.

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      That is the most sensible solution to our Afghan situation I've heard to date! Seriously!

      Well played BB.

  • charlesdegoal

    More generals must get into politics, like Colin Powell or whatever didn't happen with Schwartzkopf, if the banana republic ideal is to be achieved.

    • SorosBot

      Well, at least both Grant and Eisenhower proved to be good Presidents, Grant one of our greatest; but then they both helped win wars that actually mattered, not little invasions of foreign countries just for the sake of making up for the sitting President's tiny dick.

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    Will the Joint Chiefs warm to pulling out their pugil sticks to welcome Leon Piñata?

  • PsycWench

    Does that mean that possums are no longer the armadillo of the South?

  • SorosBot

    And hey, it nicely plays into the media myth that Republicans are better on "Defense" policy and that warmongering is somehow magically more serious than pacifism.

  • edywin2

    Armadillo stew. MMMM good. Excuse me, did someone lose a finger?

  • metamarcisf

    Is the CIA that store that you go to and they do your taxes? I didn't think so.

    Wesley Snipes.

  • http://www.wonkette.com John Birf Society

    I nominate Allen West for head of the Department of Penis.

  • prommie

    This change of deck chairs will be sure to set the ship on the right course!

  • BZ1

    Isn't it still called the Department of De-Fence?

  • magic_titty

    Of course armadillos have leprosy. Just look at that skin.

  • vulpes82

    Send all the armadillos to Molokai!

  • baconzgood

    Scott Bakula and Sinbad spread leporsy?

    (Does anyone but me get that?)

    • anniegetyerfun

      I'm lost. Which is normal, but still.

    • anniegetyerfun

      Wait, Sinbad the original sailor or the stand-up comedian?

      • baconzgood

        The stand up. I'm giving myself pee points for obscurity.

        • anniegetyerfun

          I still don't get it, but yay for pee!

    • SorosBot

      One of the best sports movies ever!

      • baconzgood

        You're like me SorosBot. An intelligent man who wastes his brain powers on pop culture.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    OT, but rightwing dude in the next cube is already spouting all the new birther talking points. I told him "If they had a film with Obama squirting out of his mom's birth canal with Diamond Head in the background, y'all still wouldn't wanna believe that he's an American, cuz y'all just can't handle that a Democrat (almost said something else) won the election" and he came back with some "Argle-bargle socialist Marxist not a democrat." I just laughed in his face and turned around to type this post. What a tool.

    • metamarcisf

      Dean Wormer: "What was that?"

    • prommie

      Are you sure it was argle-bargle? Was it argle-bargle, or fooforaw? Either way, its probably time to bash each others skulls open and eat the delicious goo inside.

      • V572..whatever

        Twaddle. Sounds like twaddle to me, or possibly prattle. A tissue of mendacity in any case.

  • Rosie_Scenario

    It was the Japanese: they can make a TV into a watch. American Indians can "sneak up on you." Etc.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Meh, Dick Tracy had a TV wristwatch radio decades ago.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Illegal armadillos carry leprosy across the border. There was a leper colony at Kalaupapa in Hawaii. Obama was (allegedly) born in Hawaii. Someone named Palin played an ex-leper in a movie. Connect the dots, people!!!

    • user-of-owls

      Don't forget who spent time volunteering in a leper colony during his epic moto journey. That's right, Young Pioneers: Ernesto "Guevara" Che!

    • prommie

      Ah, the vocative "people," the surest disagnostic of a paranoid conspiracy freak.

      • BaldarTFlagass

        Hey, I read the playbook!

  • Gold_ManSacks

    Is there a sam'mich shop in your swamphole of a city serving up a Leon Pancetta yet?

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

      Good idea. It will have to be extra crusty and the contents slip onto the floor every time you try to get a bite.

  • SorosBot

    Hopefully Lizzie reads this and can explain. Pip pip, cheerio, ya bugger.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Careful with that patronizing "pip pip cheerio" stuff, or she might deal you a "dozy cunt" instead.

  • Beowoof

    Well the British had an opinion of the south many years ago, populating Georgia with prisoners.

  • undeterredbyreality

    Rick Perry's gonna have to rename his boots. How about "sick" and "twisted"?

    • bflrtsplk

      Left and right?

  • horsedreamer_1

    Chloe Grace Moretz would end the war in Afghanistan. With her fists.

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

    Leon Panetta sounds like something you order when visiting Tuscany, and it comes with a shot of anisette.

  • hagajim

    war! Huh…good God ya'll, what's it really good for?

    Asolutely nothin – except for some dude who sounds like cured ham…oh and all the military industrial complex companies.

    Congratulations Mr. Pancetta, and lets hope as top spy guy Petraeus won't betray us.

  • Cicada

    Long pork stew?

  • ThundercatHo

    Aren't armadillos the state lizard or something? Oh wait, that's Rick Perry.

  • not that Dewey

    Does this mean that Jesus didn't actually cure leprosy? What else didn't he do?

  • V572..whatever

    Okay, OT but MSNBC is on a royal wedding meth run, so I switched to CNBC, and even though Mandy Drury is wearing an admirably low-cut top, even they have found a tie in and are talking about how the Queen invests her ill-gotten gains. And NPR's deep in a whine-a-thon this week. Are there no bearable media besides our Wonket?

    • horsedreamer_1

      It will all be worth it if having Mika in London results in a Broadway style dance number paired with "Panic".

      • horsedreamer_1

        & thanks to V572… whatevs for tipping me to Ms Drury. Not having cable, I rarely get to flip past CNBC — there's cable at my gym, on each apparatus — so I had missed out on her. Much better talent than Erin Burnett or (egad!) Maria Bartiromo. (What was Joey Ramone thinking?)

        • AJW@[redacted]

          Henceforth, I shall equate cleavage with credibility. I've discovered two very credible sources this morning at my wonkette, Ms Drury and whoever it was that Magic Titty brought up earlier.

  • http://www.wonkette.com Pres[ $ rm -r * ]

    Anchor armadilloes!

  • DahBoner

    Fingerbanger bombers

    Do these replace Nun schoolteachers rapping your knuckles with a ruler?

  • Moonbat

    You're gonna need to do some yoga, then…

  • Geminisunmars

    At last – a reason to stay out of the South. Oh – and that armadillo thing too.

  • OneDollarJuana

    I'm sending Paul Ryan an armadillo. Makes a nice pet.

  • lulzmonger

    Today we are all leprotic members of Dasypus novemcinctus.

    Next: conclusive proof that Mother Nature has PMS – Leprosy Tornados!

  • jqheywood

    But then we couldn't talk about it….

  • baconzgood

    Huh?

  • proudgrampa

    I was hoping they'd nominate Pete Seeger for Defense. I would have suggested Ghandi, but he's dead.

  • http://oliphantparts.org/ natoslug

    Showers for everyone?

  • http://www.wonkette.com/ sweetcommunist

    Everything is terrible but at least we have armadillos, right? Yeah, except ARMADILLOS SPREAD LEPROSY.

    And prairie dogs are carriers of y. pestis, the causative agent of bubonic plague.

    Also, fun fact: armadillos are one of the only creatures susceptible to leprosy, other than humans, so they are often used in research as convenient, albeit unconventional, animal models of the disease.

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

    Reopen Armadillo World Headquarters as a detention center! Willie Nelson will perform, for teh morale.

  • Negropolis

    Wait, shouldn't this be titled that Obama gave the CIA to David Petri Dish? Really, Leon Panetta was a terrible choice for the CIA and an equally terrible choice to move to Defense. That's a given. Mixing the military with the CIA is a MAJOR news story, IMO, and not a good one.