- Old-timey Clinton hack and current CIA Top Spy Leon Panetta is slated to take over the War Department! Do we mean, “The Department of Defense, Heil Hitler?” Nope! The War Department. Because when’s the last time the United States was invaded and had to defend itself? The War of 1812? Maybe that time we tried to stop The Beatles from singing songs? (This is why we need those new stealth fingerbanger bombers — what if The Beatles try to visit America again?) Panetta is “politically savvy,” apparently, and that is why he will make the perfect War Secretary. (Obama doesn’t need another jerk-wad secretary tellin’ him that robot-bombing Libya is a dumb idea.) Oh, also: Famous war monger Dave Petraeus will be the new Central Intelligence chief. Congratulations to all the people who are about to get robot-bombed/assassinated by Jason Bourne. [The Hill]
- Just a friendly reminder: BP will resume raping the Gulf of Mexico, again, very soon. Billions of dollars will be made! And soon all of this $$$ will trickle down to the dead sea creatures/ruined ecosystems/children with cancer. Just kidding. It won’t. [AP]
- Everything is terrible but at least we have armadillos, right? Yeah, except ARMADILLOS SPREAD LEPROSY. [CNN]
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from the Dept. of Meet The New Boss, Same As the Old Boss…
The CIA will now be opening branches in all 50 states. Look for the local representatives in your area.
Sort of like the Cheka meets the Bookmobile then?
Maybe they can share space with the FBI. They are everywhere.
My sleeper pick for SECDEF, Reggie White, comes up short, again.
Disqualified per dead for the past five years. Zombie Reggie White on the other hand …
He'd put the Mexican-American soldiers in charge of housing. Think of the savings!
Is it just the armadillos that cross over from Mexico, or all armadillos? Quick, someone call Lou Dobbs so we can get a definitive answer on this.
Armadillos spread leprosy? See, this is why condom use is so important!
Just because the armadillo is "ribbed for your pleasure" doesn't mean that you shouldn't wrap your willie!
We've got, you know, armadillos in our trousers. I mean, it's really quite frightening.
Not for long…
JCB- the Indian in the group?
I tend to think of the State Department as the Department of War, because that's where they get started.
~
They oughta go with the truth in advertising thing and call it Department of Aggression.
And I was thinking it would be more descriptive to call it the department of Protecting Rich Guys Overseas Assets. See, War is a Racket, Smedly Butler.
Bloody Imperialism, also.
Alms for an ex-armadillo?
Ex-armadillo? What happened?
Bloody Jesus Christ…I mean, did I ask to be healed? No. I had a good livelihood, and then…boom…you're healed, and good-bye income.
Well, there goes my plan to start an armadillo petting zoo….
Do porcupines spread disease? I know snakes do, which is why I stopped sleeping in that pit of them.
It's like the arms fell right off that idea.
Please support our new charity, Free Armadillos for Republicans and Breitard Trolls (FARBT).
Leave out the Breitard, so it's Free Armadillos for Republican Trolls (FART).
I love that word.
(Yes, I'm a third grade boy.)
I love that he nominated Petraeus because a lot on the right want him to jump into the Presidential race, so he's now been neutred or Neutraeus if you will. That s the only reason I like it, however.
Me too. One day I will be so proud that an American Hero arrested me for thoughtcrime.
I tend to agree. It's a fitting punishment for Petraeus: give him a job running an agency whose mission ended around 1990, and do it in a very public way that would call his patriotism into question if he turned it down. Now: I can haz Porter Goss investigation pleez?
Didn't work out so well with Jon "Clamshell" Huntsman.
Enghngnh, who'd be better? Anybody who'd want either job is automatically disqualified by the fact that they have no understanding of how difficult the jobs are, and how low the probability of successful outcome(s) are. Yes yes you're an SES-4 with your own driver and a private kitchen and a reserved seat at the State of the Union address, but it's pretty much all failure and degradation from that point on.
How ya gonna keep 'em down on the farm, ma, once they've Willie-Petered Fallujah?
Ahem, please don't comment on my comments until I'm done editing them, BTF. As I was saying: Top SES-4 salary is $236,000…not too shabby, plus free parking at the Pentagon/Langley.
And you would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for this meddling GS-13.
Congress hasn't changed a single law on oil and gas drilling in the past year A year later, the liability cap for companies that cause a major spill is still just $75 million, companies with dismal safety records can still obtain new leases, and they can still avoid compensating families when workers die on rigs.
Methinks BP may just have one of those dismal safety records.
Only elitists remember anything older than 30 days!
There you go with that facts stuff again. Republicans and teabaggers are never interested in facts.
companies with dismal safety records can still obtain
new leasessafety bonuses.fixed.
And we hope you liked that game of musical heirs.
Leon Panetta? Hmmff… I'm sure they could get George Tenet back when he gets done polishing his Medal of Freedom (or whatever dumb thing W gave him). Is the talent gene pool that shallow in DC? These people get shuffled around more than a dirty deck of cards in one of Donald's casinos.
I love Panetta. We have one near my office and I usually get the cinnamon scone and a coffee.
If only I could roll up into a protective ball.
What, you wanna be a pillbug?
Don't ever, ever try to drive over an armadillo with your motorcycle.
That could cost you an arm and a leg…
Is that armadillo called "Mayhem?"
You've cost me another coffee-covered computer screen…
The Ministry of Fights
Ministry of Silly Walks?
Robot-bomb all armadillos! Problem solved. America 1, Leprosy 0.
The limbs are sure to fly!
Jason Bourne better stick to having his adventures in Europe; them car chases with him driving old-style Mini Coopers and Yugos would just stone cold be over in 30 seconds here in the states where he'd be up against Challengers and Camaros and Mustangs and such.
And you never want to pit a Yugo against an armadillo!
Haha, of course we would give him a Hummer to drive around the desert killing Arabs.
I don't know about that, with the cost of gas, he may stand a chance. After all he can probably afford to fill it up. The Camaro and Challenger owners will be lucky to afford a half tank.
Its all so clear now. This is Panetta's reward for having his CIA dummy up the fake "Certificate of Live Interracial Fornicanization" document. The Petraeus move is the General's reward for being such an outstanding and obsequious ass-kisser extraordinaire (this also give him a chance to get inside and clean up all that pesky paperwork involving the Pat Tillman debacle). WIN!
Needs moar reverse vampires!
Sorry, next post, I promise!
Leon: more medals for McChrystal, stat!
No doubt!
Armadillo's spread leprosy! Now i feel justified for hating the south, as if tornadoes, bugs, the bible belt , the new nashville sound, snakes, and sweet tea weren't enough.
I shouldn't say this, but remember the Tea Party convention they had in Nashville? Then they had a massive flood that put the Opryland Hotel under water. I lived in Hendersonville, from age 10 to 17, and friends showed me pictures of the flooding of the hotel. I felt sorry for the people, not so sorry for the hotel owners.
I've stayed at that awful hotel several times and could not be happier that The Great Terrarium of Nashville was (I hope!) destroyed forever by floodwater. The Gaylord people who run it are union-busting scabs in any case.
Hope the Gibson factory store didn't get whacked though — bought me a J-60 Bluegrass Special there that I really love.
And here I thought the people of Nashville, like all Southerners, were bigots who hated the Gaylord people.
My friend, Darlene had three relatives who worked for the hotel and when they reopened they had a job fair and chose to hire new people instead of giving some back their jobs.
Thank you. Sweet tea is evil.
For one thing, if it's served cold, it's not tea. The British must be ashamed of that travesty the South calls tea.
I hope Leon brings some of that bunga-bunga to DC.
How come no mention of the killer storms down in Dixie? I reckon them folks ignored Easter same as Obama.
God is obviously taking revenge for the Progressive wave that has been sweeping through the bible belt.
Here I figured it was god's punishment for all the incest.
And I was thinking there had to be more pastors dressed in two wet suits with a large dildo up their asses, strangling themselves during masturbation.
http://www.fark.com/comments/3121079/Alabama-mini…
That was just high-functioning Birthers throwing themselves into tornados because their world ended yesterday.
Apparently NASCAR is an abomination unto the lord.
Patraeus' first act will be to send Osama bin Laden an iPhone cunningly delivered as a gift from a relative. As soon as he turns it on, we will then robot carpet bomb the entire area with Roombas.
When the Clinton administration tried to take out Bin Ladden in 2000, some ash*le in the DoD let it be known they had targeted Bin Ladden's cell phone.____Subsequently, Bin Ladden got rid of his cell phone, went off the grid, moved to Ruby Ridge, ID and opened a local Tea Party Nation franchise.
They eat them aramdillahs in Texas. Could explain a lot.
1812? The last time the United States was invaded was about fifty years after that. Clue: the attack came from inside the country, and it was one of the only wars where one side was clearly pure evil.
You mean this one, right?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Utah_War
No casualties, and resolved through negotiations. Peeuuwee – whut kinda war is that?
Also the one when the 501 Legion of the Imperial Army, Blizzard Force discovered our secret base and many heroic men and women gave their lives holding off the enemy while the bulk of the force was able to delete sensitive information about the remainder of our fleet before the base was overrun.
Now our base are belong to them?
Don't forget that time Americans were attacked by airstrikes about a month shy of 80 years ago… http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tulsa_Race_Riot#Atta…
And then there was that time in 1995…
(but we don't require defense against that, right?)
Leprosy? Good to know that is still biblical times in the south.
The recent HUGE fucking twisters are a message, too, perhaps…Jebus is trying to scrub out a stain on His 1:1 map?
Don't even get me started with the toad showers we get every spring. You think regular rain messes up your last carwash?
Leon wears his war department like a crown
Armadillos are Tejas speed bumps. Problem is the suckers don't squish much. My buddy and I hit one in West Tejas driving to freedomz in California after having been discharged from the Army and we almost rolled the car. We were in a hurry to reach the state line, so we left it behind for someone else to scoop up and catch the leprosy from eating a exhaust header-cooked delight.
Hood? Fort Ecstasy (Bliss)? RRAD?
& the Mariel boat-lift!
So we round up some armadillos, carpet bomb Afghanistan's tribal belt with them and give BP the rights to drill/rape their environment if they leave the gulf. Winning and tiger blood for everyone.
That is the most sensible solution to our Afghan situation I've heard to date! Seriously!
Well played BB.
More generals must get into politics, like Colin Powell or whatever didn't happen with Schwartzkopf, if the banana republic ideal is to be achieved.
Well, at least both Grant and Eisenhower proved to be good Presidents, Grant one of our greatest; but then they both helped win wars that actually mattered, not little invasions of foreign countries just for the sake of making up for the sitting President's tiny dick.
Will the Joint Chiefs warm to pulling out their pugil sticks to welcome Leon Piñata?
Does that mean that possums are no longer the armadillo of the South?
And hey, it nicely plays into the media myth that Republicans are better on "Defense" policy and that warmongering is somehow magically more serious than pacifism.
Armadillo stew. MMMM good. Excuse me, did someone lose a finger?
Is the CIA that store that you go to and they do your taxes? I didn't think so.
Wesley Snipes.
I nominate Allen West for head of the Department of Penis.
This change of deck chairs will be sure to set the ship on the right course!
Isn't it still called the Department of De-Fence?
Of course armadillos have leprosy. Just look at that skin.
Send all the armadillos to Molokai!
Scott Bakula and Sinbad spread leporsy?
(Does anyone but me get that?)
I'm lost. Which is normal, but still.
Wait, Sinbad the original sailor or the stand-up comedian?
The stand up. I'm giving myself pee points for obscurity.
I still don't get it, but yay for pee!
One of the best sports movies ever!
You're like me SorosBot. An intelligent man who wastes his brain powers on pop culture.
OT, but rightwing dude in the next cube is already spouting all the new birther talking points. I told him "If they had a film with Obama squirting out of his mom's birth canal with Diamond Head in the background, y'all still wouldn't wanna believe that he's an American, cuz y'all just can't handle that a Democrat (almost said something else) won the election" and he came back with some "Argle-bargle socialist Marxist not a democrat." I just laughed in his face and turned around to type this post. What a tool.
Dean Wormer: "What was that?"
Are you sure it was argle-bargle? Was it argle-bargle, or fooforaw? Either way, its probably time to bash each others skulls open and eat the delicious goo inside.
Twaddle. Sounds like twaddle to me, or possibly prattle. A tissue of mendacity in any case.
It was the Japanese: they can make a TV into a watch. American Indians can "sneak up on you." Etc.
Meh, Dick Tracy had a TV wristwatch radio decades ago.
Illegal armadillos carry leprosy across the border. There was a leper colony at Kalaupapa in Hawaii. Obama was (allegedly) born in Hawaii. Someone named Palin played an ex-leper in a movie. Connect the dots, people!!!
Don't forget who spent time volunteering in a leper colony during his epic moto journey. That's right, Young Pioneers: Ernesto "Guevara" Che!
Ah, the vocative "people," the surest disagnostic of a paranoid conspiracy freak.
Hey, I read the playbook!
Is there a sam'mich shop in your swamphole of a city serving up a Leon Pancetta yet?
Good idea. It will have to be extra crusty and the contents slip onto the floor every time you try to get a bite.
Hopefully Lizzie reads this and can explain. Pip pip, cheerio, ya bugger.
Careful with that patronizing "pip pip cheerio" stuff, or she might deal you a "dozy cunt" instead.
Well the British had an opinion of the south many years ago, populating Georgia with prisoners.
Rick Perry's gonna have to rename his boots. How about "sick" and "twisted"?
Left and right?
Chloe Grace Moretz would end the war in Afghanistan. With her fists.
Leon Panetta sounds like something you order when visiting Tuscany, and it comes with a shot of anisette.
war! Huh…good God ya'll, what's it really good for?
Asolutely nothin – except for some dude who sounds like cured ham…oh and all the military industrial complex companies.
Congratulations Mr. Pancetta, and lets hope as top spy guy Petraeus won't betray us.
Long pork stew?
Aren't armadillos the state lizard or something? Oh wait, that's Rick Perry.
Does this mean that Jesus didn't actually cure leprosy? What else didn't he do?
Okay, OT but MSNBC is on a royal wedding meth run, so I switched to CNBC, and even though Mandy Drury is wearing an admirably low-cut top, even they have found a tie in and are talking about how the Queen invests her ill-gotten gains. And NPR's deep in a whine-a-thon this week. Are there no bearable media besides our Wonket?
It will all be worth it if having Mika in London results in a Broadway style dance number paired with "Panic".
& thanks to V572… whatevs for tipping me to Ms Drury. Not having cable, I rarely get to flip past CNBC — there's cable at my gym, on each apparatus — so I had missed out on her. Much better talent than Erin Burnett or (egad!) Maria Bartiromo. (What was Joey Ramone thinking?)
Henceforth, I shall equate cleavage with credibility. I've discovered two very credible sources this morning at my wonkette, Ms Drury and whoever it was that Magic Titty brought up earlier.
Anchor armadilloes!
Fingerbanger bombers
Do these replace Nun schoolteachers rapping your knuckles with a ruler?
You're gonna need to do some yoga, then…
At last – a reason to stay out of the South. Oh – and that armadillo thing too.
I'm sending Paul Ryan an armadillo. Makes a nice pet.
Today we are all leprotic members of Dasypus novemcinctus.
Next: conclusive proof that Mother Nature has PMS – Leprosy Tornados!
But then we couldn't talk about it….
Huh?
I was hoping they'd nominate Pete Seeger for Defense. I would have suggested Ghandi, but he's dead.
Showers for everyone?
Everything is terrible but at least we have armadillos, right? Yeah, except ARMADILLOS SPREAD LEPROSY.
And prairie dogs are carriers of y. pestis, the causative agent of bubonic plague.
Also, fun fact: armadillos are one of the only creatures susceptible to leprosy, other than humans, so they are often used in research as convenient, albeit unconventional, animal models of the disease.
Reopen Armadillo World Headquarters as a detention center! Willie Nelson will perform, for teh morale.
Wait, shouldn't this be titled that Obama gave the CIA to David Petri Dish? Really, Leon Panetta was a terrible choice for the CIA and an equally terrible choice to move to Defense. That's a given. Mixing the military with the CIA is a MAJOR news story, IMO, and not a good one.
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